Original subtitles

I'm an open book with pages left to write.

Can't wait to see what's inside. This is a new story of my life.

Hey, Katrina.

How was the Aerosmith concert?

Oh, you got me. I couldn't see a thing.

I thought you spent all that money on eighth row seats.

Yeah, well, a woman's basketball team had seventh row.

A point guard named Sandra offered to put me on her shoulders, but then I

realized she meant after the concert.

Katrina, you know, I'm always impressed with the way you handle adversity.

Oh, well, I'm trying to stay positive.

Like it said on the back of Sandra's shirt, I go down smiling.

At that concert, I really wish I knew you were going. I would have got you

backstage. You're kidding.

Didn't you see when they pulled me on stage to dance to Walk This Way?

No, but that explains why Sandra ignored me during that song.

How'd you get backstage?

Oh, I used to date one of the guys in Aerosmith.

I'd love to tell you who, but I signed a confidentiality agreement with Steven

Tyler.

Oh, you were a groupie.

Excuse me?

I was not a groupie. I was a girlfriend.

Right, and I was never a nerd.

I was a mathlete.

I was not a groupie.

Groupies don't get taken to dinner. Girlfriends do. Groupies don't spend the

night. Girlfriends do.

Groupies have sex on tour buses.

While their son crossed over.

I'm going to dance.

Oh, cool. What do you play? Bass.

He sings bass in a barbershop quartet.

We have a steady gig at Shakey's Pizza.

Second Thursday of every month.

Stay with the band. I can get you a free pizza.

Topping.

It's not free. It comes with barbershop quartet music.

Well, I think it sounds like fun.

And I'd love to come see you sometimes.

Oh, yeah, good. They could use a groupie. Oh, I'm sorry. A girlfriend.

No, I think you could use the girlfriend.

I used to have groupies.

What? All the guys at NASA did during the space race, especially during

launchings. I wonder what it was.

Something about a 300 -foot rocket blasting into space really gets the

going.

Let me ask you a question.

How do we get a woman like Skylar to notice me?

Well, Stuart, Skylar is an extremely beautiful woman. And you're...

From what?

Hey, believe it or not, Harold, I have dated attractive women.

Really?

Yeah. Yes, really.

Remember Janine?

Janine. If we'd found life like that on Mars, we'd have left it there.

Okay, okay.

Granted, Skylar's in a league of her own.

And I realize I'm not the type of guy that she'd immediately go for, but I

over time she might develop an interest in me. Well, I suppose if you

demonstrated certain characteristics.

Like what? Physical beauty, wealth, charm, fame, charisma.

Prospects of obtaining any one of those.

Appreciate your honesty.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just drag myself back under my bridge and mate

with a goat.

Do you really expect much of a turnout from this thing?

To a Susanna Wolfe book reading?

She's only won the Penn Faulkner Award and the Booker Prize.

Oh, gosh, I hope no one gets trampled in the stampede.

What time does it start, anyway?

What, you're coming?

Yes, Gavin.

I believe you should try new things, even if you don't think you'll like

That's what Sandra told me when she was rubbing my shoulders during Sweetie

Moose Man.

And so envy the stone, smooth but unstartled by the tread of those

journeymen, bound forever by their memory of that star.

Well, wow,

what a treat. Thank you again, Ms. Bull. It was my pleasure.

Now, does anyone have any questions?

I do.

The protagonist in your last novel is named Dylan.

Is that because you secretly harbor affection for an ardent admirer named

No, it isn't, George.

My name's Dylan now.

Yes, the judge informed me that you changed and now stop coming to these

All right, I think we're done with questions. Now, Mrs. Wolfe has

agreed to stay and sign copies of her book.

I can't believe you slept through the whole thing. Me neither. I've got to get

that on tape. It's better than Ambien.

Thank you again for coming. You were wonderful. Oh, I just hope I didn't go

too long. No, no, no. I could have listened to you all night.

Hey, if you're not busy later, join me for a drink. I'll tell you an off -color

story about John Grisham.

You... you want to have a drink with me?

I'm... I'm honored. I mean, I'm like your biggest fan.

No, you're not!

And guess what? Harold Smith is shooting a video tonight in town. Do you want to

come with me and watch? Are you serious? That would be fantastic.

See, if you keep a positive attitude, good things will happen.

Wait, will they be at one of those crazy backstage parties where they expect me

to have sex with them? Of course not.

Could there be?

Mr. Stewart, I fear I may have offended you yesterday. I'd like to apologize.

Oh, I appreciate that, Harold. You did, uh...

It kind of hurt my feelings. Well, you shouldn't listen to me.

I'm no judge, that sort of thing. Never have been.

Back at NASA, when we were misguidedly training chimps for a space flight,

was this one named Captain Bobo. We never thought he would find a mate. I

practically made you sick to look at him.

Lab assistants had to use mirrors to feed him.

Where are you going with this, Harold?

Well, eventually, even he attracted a female. So, there's hope.

Hope!

Look who finally decided to join us. We've been open for an hour already.

What are you talking about? You just got here ten minutes ago.

What are you, Big Ben?

Yeah, uh, sorry. I'm late. I had the craziest morning. First, my car wouldn't

start. Then my landlord called to tell me I was late on my rent. And I slept

with Susanna Wolf.

You're kidding me. No, no, no.

She's the first woman I slept with since my divorce. I know. What happened?

Well, she asked me out for a drink last night after the book reading. And we had

the most stimulating discussion about literature. Her insights into Dante

Get to the sex. Right, right.

One thing led to another. She invited me back to her room for a drink, and then

we, you know, conjoined.

Oh, are you guys talking about those poor twins?

No, hell, my brother here got lucky last night.

With conjoined twins?

No, you're the one who said twins. It was just one person.

Susanna Wolf.

Oh, that author you're all crazy about.

What, she picked you up after the reading?

We went out, yes.

Oh, so of all the fans that were there last night, she chose you to go back to

her hotel room?

Well... Now that you mention it, yes, she did. Oh, my God, Gavin!

What? You're a groupie.

That's crazy. I'm not a groupie just because... You're a fan she picked up

a performance and used for sex?

She didn't use me, and I'm not a groupie. Well, let's see.

Groupies don't get dinner. Did you get dinner?

No, but... Uh -huh.

Groupies don't spend the night.

Did you spend the night?

She had an early appointment.

Oh, so I slept with her longer at the book reading.

Better watch out, Gavin. You're going to get a reputation as an easy read.

Not that I even feel the need to dignify this discussion, but if I'm just a

groupie, then why did she give me her phone number?

Did you try it yet?

No, but why would I even doubt it?

What are you doing?

Oh, okay, go ahead. Yeah, sure, call her. I need to speak to her anyway.

Carpet Emporium.

For your information, we already have a date for dinner tonight.

Obviously, I just wrote the number down wrong. Maybe she moonlighted there

installing carpeting.

We know she enjoyed laying you.

Gavin? Yes.

I'm Barbara Kramer, Ms. Wolfe's publicist.

Oh, hi. Is Susanna... I'm afraid she can't make it tonight. Family emergency.

Oh, no. What happened?

Huh?

Uh, well, uh... Actually, see, the thing is, a lot of times she gets... There's

no family emergency, is there?

I'm sorry. I wish there were.

Oh, my God.

I am a groupie.

Okay, trust me, this is no reflection on you. I've had this conversation with

more men than you can imagine.

Suddenly I can imagine a lot.

Double it.

Okay, for what it's worth, she said very nice things about you. I mean, assuming

she didn't confuse you with someone else. But I doubt that. The book tour

started. God, I'm a bad publicist.

Excuse me, could I have a vodka martini, please?

Dirty.

Like me?

Oh, my God. I am so nervous.

What if I pass out or throw up or break something?

They're rock stars. You'll fit right in.

Look at me. I'm shaking.

They're just people. And you're awesome.

Here, take this.

What is it?

A breath mint.

Are you sorry?

I do not.

And I love those shoes.

They were super expensive, and I probably should have got them, but I was

thinking if I was going to meet Aerosmith, then I wanted to...

Cat?

Excuse me, did you guys see my friend? She's about this tall, has brown hair.

Haven't seen her.

Uh -oh.

Uh, Cat?

six hours, I clawed my way out from under a giant amp, kicked out a window

squirmed free.

And then after I relocated my shoulder, I took the bus home and drove straight

here. That's horrible. You took the bus?

You know what?

I am not going to let this get me down.

I'm going to stay positive.

I am high on life and maybe a little secondhand pot smoke.

That's okay.

They're just shoes.

Just shoes?

Oh, my God, there's something seriously wrong with her.

Katrina?

Isn't that your green jet apart down the street?

Yeah. There appears to be something on it. What? A piano.

From all the yelling, I gather they were trying to haul it up through a window

when one of the cables snapped. I'll have a latte.

I'm so sorry.

Oh!

Excuse me.

Good morning. Isn't it?

Sorry, I know I'm late again. I had another crazy morning. I, uh, went to

eye doctor about these floaters, and, uh... Anyway, it's all being fixed,

I thought this was Animal's Publicity.

She's the second woman I slept with since my divorce.

She had sex again?

How'd that happen?

Well, I went to meet Susanna for the date we planned, and her publisher

up to tell me she wasn't coming. And she ended up sleeping with you?

I mean, I realize it's a publicist's job to put a good spin on bad news, but

wow.

I know it seems weird, but we really connected.

Oh, but this is so unfair.

You score twice off a damn book reading, and I'm getting less action than

Captain Bobo.

I'll tell you, Stuart, Barbara's smart, she's sweet.

I don't know, there could be something there. We had an unbelievably great

night. Oh, really?

What happened?

It's very simple, you see. Your knuckles meet the wood, and the sound alerts

people of your intention to enter.

Speaking of wood, guess who got lucky again last night?

Stuart!

Oh, so Book Lady actually showed up?

No, this time it was with her publicist.

Oh, God, Gavin, no!

What? Don't you get it? You were passed around.

I was what?

Passed around.

It's when someone gets handed off to underlings after the star is done with

them.

Picture a groupie minus the positive self -image.

Oh, that is ludicrous. I was not passed around.

Well, then why did this woman show up to a date that you had with Susanna?

She was simply being nice enough to, uh... Let you down easy?

Offer your shoulders to cry on?

Have a few drinks and invite you back to her place where the consoling will lead

to... All right!

You may have been right about Susanna, but Barbara's a completely different

story. Oh, Gavin, if you knew Susanna wasn't going to be there, why did she

you go all the way down there?

She could have just called you here at the bookstore.

Obviously, she didn't have the number.

Even though she's the publicist that just booked a reading here?

Well, she could have.

I mean, it still doesn't... Oh, God.

I am such an idiot.

Yeah, you had sex with two different women on two consecutive nights.

Loser.

As I recall,

the way Captain Bobo ultimately attracted a female was by freeing her

tire swing in which she had become entangled. Harold.

I don't know that I want to hear much more about this hideous chimp that you

think I resemble. My point is that were you to rescue Skylar from some similar

entrapment, it might imbue you with a certain heroic appeal.

Look at that.

It's a pod I removed from the button panel in the elevator.

Now it'll stop between floors the next time someone, say, you and Skylar...

gets on it.

And you can use this to rescue you both.

I don't need the tricker into liking me, Harold.

Okay? Despite your opinion, I can attract a woman on my own.

You're right, you're right, yeah. Perhaps you and your quartet can

with a rendition of Coney Island Baby.

Give me that.

Tell me how this works before she gets back from lunch.

Uh -oh.

Katrina? The elevator stopped.

Oh, it worked.

Katrina, don't worry.

We're going to get you out.

Yeah, well, take your time. This is way roomier than the bin I was trapped in

last night.

Guys, guys, where's Katrina?

I want to introduce her to someone.

Stuart, Harold, this is Steven Tyler.

Hello. Oh, my God, hi.

Did you say Steven Tyler?

Yeah, hi, Katrina.

This guy told me you had a rough time last night and asked if I'd stop by to

meet you.

You guys, get me out of here!

That's me, Harold.

Listen very closely.

Put this pod in the open slot of the... Never mind.

I wish I could come down there and give you some... love in an elevator,

Katrina. I gotta go.

How about a finger shake goodbye?

Cat's here, okay.

Okay. Time to let go, Cat.

You're hurting me, Cat.

Cat!

Nice to almost meet you.

Hey, David, can you really still do those splits?

Can I?

to a surprise party for George Clooney tonight, and I really want to take you

with me.

Well, what time because I'm going to need to shower and get some stitches.

What?

I'm still pretty upset about that whole pass -around thing, huh?

Well, wouldn't you be?

I've been leaving messages on her cell phone all day, and she won't return my

calls. I am this close to trying again and really telling her off. Oh, Gavin,

why bother?

as a couple of fun little flings.

I don't have fun little flings, okay?

I mean, I thought they had interest in me as a person.

You know what? I think you should call that Barbara. Tell her how you feel. Let

her have it.

I think I will.

I mean, people should know that there are consequences to their actions and

it is just not right to treat another human being this way. I know. Good for

you. Don't let her get away with it.

Voicemail again.

Barbara? This is Gavin from last night, in case you don't remember.

Um, just want to tell you that I, uh... I'm not a pass -around.

I am not a pass -around. I have self -respect.

And I have self -respect.

I'm more than just another hot young blonde who can date you to Best Western

Omaha.

The point is, Barbara, your behavior was despicable. I regret ever having met

you. You have an annoying laugh, you wear far too much perfume, and...

Considering how often you seem to have sex, you're shockingly unskilled at it.

That was fantastic.

You told her.

I sure did.

I just wish I had someone else to call, but the truth is I haven't slept with

that many people.

Boy, I wish you could see that little hooker's face when she picks up that

message.

Barbara? Yeah, you know the good thing about voicemail? You can never be that

brutal if you're actually talking to the person.

Barbara? Yes, Bar - Barbara, Barbara, what's wrong with you?

Hi, Gavin.

Barbara?

Um, what are you doing here?

Well, I left my cell phone at the restaurant, so I had to pick it up, and

that you called, so I thought I'd stop by and see if you were free for dinner.

I had such a nice time last night.

Oh, yeah, I, uh... Oh, God, another message. I better check, though. Uh,

wait, wait, wait, wait.

Before you listen to that, I, uh... Oh! It's from you.

No, no, no. I just want you to know I was very upset when I left that message,

okay? It was like a misunderstanding.

Please stop listening.

Unskilled?

That's not what I meant.

Wait, wait, wait. Barbara, you're very skilled sexually, like a pro.

What was that about?

Looks like the third time this week he's gotten screwed.