Original subtitles

If bricks could talk, what stories you could tell.

I'll bet you've seen some sights in your time.

Mr Hollis.

I was just going down memory lane.

My grandfather used to work here.

It's a pity you can't follow his example, lad.

Put that stuff in the stores and stay clear.

We're just about to bring these chimneys down.

Yes.

Yes, I'm afraid they've had their last smoke.

Sorry if you don't get a move on. They're waiting to start blasting.

All clear?

Yes. Right on schedule.

One minute to go.

Attention!

Attention!

Blasting in 60 seconds!

Yes, it's been a few years since my grandfather's done really good at your

columns. I can just see him now, standing here, warming his bread and

over his old pipe, and with a smile on his feet.

Yes, only another 15 minutes now and it's all coming to an end.

He is a smoking service.

Now it's only 10.

I've got a package for you.

It's my ears.

I didn't hear you.

And a letter as well.

There's no need to shout.

But you said you couldn't hear.

The letter was delayed. It was sent to your old address.

I haven't seen your dog lately, Columbo. All right, is he?

Yes, fine, thank you.

But the cat's run off.

I think she's trying to find our old house.

Yeah, well, we've all been trying to find your old house. That's what caused

It was number 49 next to number 48.

Yeah, well, there's nothing next to number 48. Just a great pile of bricks.

You mean they haven't repaired it yet?

Good heavens above, what's the world coming to? When I was there, I

rebuilt that house.

What?

You got it too, have you?

It's the bells.

It's ringing in my ears.

I was chased by a chimney last week.

It's a miracle my hearing's still here.

Pardon?

The only reason I'm talking to you today is because I'm still here.

If I'd stayed where I was, I'd still be there.

Good day.

Silly sod.

There's a parcel for Jessica.

Did she send away for anything?

I don't know, Frank. She did type quite a few letters last week.

Oh, it's from Dr.

Mender. How did he know it was her birthday this Saturday?

Oh, well, he always remembers because his birthday's on the same day.

Oh.

Oh, it's a little duck.

It's lucky he posted it in plenty of time.

This kangaroo stand's been travelling for weeks.

Kangaroo stand?

It's from Grandad Spencer.

He's written to me from Australia.

I thought he was dead.

No, he wasn't when he wrote this.

Dear Frank, don't worry if you've lost my address because I'm not there

You'll be in... Interested to know that your cousin Harold has now settled over

here and has been fighting with the Australian Army.

He has also been fighting with the Australian Navy.

Five civilians and a prison governor.

Does he mention me?

Oh, yes. P .S., by the way, do you still have the cat?

And P .P .S., how's Lettie?

That's nice.

Well, you should hear what he calls Auntie Dingle. What?

Woolloomooloo.

Woolloomooloo? I have now left Woolloomooloo and bought a sheep farm.

A sheep farm at his age?

He's not that old, and the spinsters are very fit.

My mother was always very healthy, even when she died.

Well, it's probably only a small farm.

Small? It's colossal. It's got 20 ,000 sheep.

20 ,000 sheep.

Imagine shaving that lot.

Andy wants me to take flying lessons.

You can't take flying lessons. Why not?

There'll be a piece of pudding after all my RAF experience.

Then we can go out there and run the farm for him.

You mean he wants us to live out there?

Well, I can't run it from here, Betty.

That was the chance of a lifetime learning to fly.

I'll be like the flying doctor.

Frankie's running a sheep farm, not a hospital.

All right, then.

The Flying Shepherd.

But, I mean, you've never met him. He hasn't written for years. Why does he

you now?

Well, because I'm the last of the Spencers.

I'm his air soul.

Air soul?

His air soul, apparently.

Apart from Jessica, and she's a girl.

So that makes me the male limit.

out to Australia just like that? I mean, I can't decide to spend the rest of my

life with a man I've never even seen before.

Well, you'd never seen me until we met.

Betty's coming to see us.

When? It's all right, it's all right. We've got plenty of time.

I can't get away for at least three months.

But that letter was posted three months ago.

Three months? Oh, that means... Oh, and we haven't even got the spare room

ready.

I'll have to buy another sheet.

Frank, have you really made your mind up about this? Oh, Betty, when I make my

mind up, I make my mind up.

We'll get two new blankets as well.

There.

And you stand over there.

That should make him feel more at home.

Frank?

Yes? Do you think he'd like a pot in his room?

right next door to the bathroom.

Oh,

I see you've brought your record player in. Yeah, well, I thought he might like

a little music.

I couldn't get any waltz in Matilda, but I've got a few Frank Highfields for

him. And an LP of the second test.

Do you want to hear it?

No, not now, Frank.

Listen, I think we'll leave the window open in case the cat comes back.

Yes. She hasn't been the same since she fell in the rhubarb wine.

I've told the police she's missing.

Well, I just hope they don't try to breathalyser.

Mind you, she should have sobered up by now.

She's already spent four days on the roof trying to sleep it off.

What a week this has been, Frank. I've had so much on my mind lately. What with

you nearly killed at the brickworks and Grandfather's arrival and Jessica's...

I've tried twice.

Oh, that reminds me. I saw Dr Mender today and I thanked him for the birthday

present. Oh, good.

Did you notice anything strange about him?

Well, he did seem a bit worried.

I could hear him talking to himself before I went in.

Really? But did he recognise you?

Well, of course he did.

Only I saw him in the high street last week a couple of times and I waved to

him. And he looked right through me and hurried away.

He's done that several times.

Look, will you be seeing him tomorrow?

Later in the day, I think, yes, I will do.

But I want to call in at the second -hand shop first, because they've got

chimney -sweeping equipment in the window.

Oh, good.

Then you can give him a present.

Oh, what's that?

I've bought him a potpourri.

Really? I thought he was a Baptist.

No.

of those little ornaments.

It's a little ornament that gives out a scent like flowers.

Oh, that's nice. It all smells.

So whenever he gets a funny smell, he'll think of us.

That's it.

Right. Oh, woe is me.

No. Oh, woe is me.

Alas, alas, alas, I'm so unhappy.

Misery is mine. Oh, really, this dialogue is appalling.

Deserted by those I love, all alone in the world, without a single

friend. Yes?

Oh, it's you, Hutchins.

You're not so worried about that script. Yes, I'm sorry I let you talk me into

it now.

Why don't you find somebody else for the parts? But why?

Maitland says you were marvellous in your last hospital panto. Good Lord,

was 40 years ago at medical school.

I don't know what my private patients will say.

Well, it's just as bad for me. I'm in it as well.

Anyway, nobody's going to recognise us in costume.

That's the only reason I'm doing it.

Even so, some of my patients are going to consider it rather odd for a man in

position.

Fortunately, some of my patients are a bit odd themselves.

is mine

deserted

by those I love

Dr. Mender.

He didn't even wash his hands.

Yes?

Yes?

Come in!

Dr. Mender?

Oh.

It's Mr. Spencer.

I'm over here.

Spencer, I just wish you went.

I just thought that maybe you couldn't see me.

Have I called at an awkward time?

You always call at an awkward time.

My clinic closed two hours ago.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Thank you.

But I called about a personal matter.

Mr Spencer, why are you here?

I wanted to tell you something. What?

It's Saturday tomorrow.

Is that what you came to tell me?

No, I haven't finished yet. Well, I have.

I'm up to my eyes in work, and you have been to see me nine times in the past

two weeks.

Well, that's not my fault. That was because of my hearing accident.

I've been in deaf shock for a week.

Haven't we all?

I just wanted to tell you that on Saturday is Jessica's birthday and

Oh. Oh, I see.

Yes, all right, sit down, sit down. Thank you.

I haven't got long.

Oh, dear.

Well, first of all, I wanted to say thank you for Jessica's present. And

said ta -tas as well.

Well, she didn't really, but when I mentioned your name and showed her the

little duck, she knew what I was talking about.

Quite all right, my pleasure.

Well, the thing is, you see...

The thing is, it's better than my birthday soon as well. But we want to

that because we don't want you to feel that just because we got you something

that you've got to get us something.

Because if you get us something just because we got you, then we won't get

anything at all.

Because then you wouldn't have to get us anything.

But you have got us something already, although you haven't really.

But as you've got something for Jessica, it's the same as I found it, isn't it?

So, you don't have to do anything just because we have.

You did say your daughter knew what you were talking about.

Well, I'm glad someone does.

That's not very nice.

We got you a present.

Oh, I see. Well, I certainly didn't expect... Well, thank you, and please

Mrs Spencer. It's very kind of you to think of sending me something. No, no, I

didn't send it.

I brought it with me.

Brought it with you? Yes. Now, you're not to look at it until Saturday,

that would spoil it.

You promise now?

I promise.

Now, you can hang it in any room in the house.

But it would be nice if you put it inside the hall. And then whenever you

friends coming round, you'd open the door and they'd all go, Ooh!

Dr. Mender!

Yes, they certainly would.

There. What's this?

That's your present.

Oh, I see!

Well, then, this is your brush.

Yes, you can't have them both.

I was a little bit confused. I've had a lot on my mind lately.

Dr Mender.

Yes. I know it's none of my business, but you've been very good to us.

And I know you think I'm a bit of a mutant sometimes.

Yes.

But I'm always here.

Yes, I know.

No, I mean, I'm always here if you need a friend.

Now, as my mother always said, a trouble shed is a trouble doubled.

So if you do want to talk about it... Talk about what?

Well, you know, I was in a little boy's room.

I didn't mean to listen, but I couldn't help hearing what you said in your

cubicle closet.

Well, I can explain about that. No, no, there's no need to be ashamed of. Oh,

yes, I know, I know, I know.

I'd be very grateful if you would just keep it to yourself.

Of course, of course.

My lips are solid.

By the way, if ever you want your chimney swept... Mr. Spencer, you swept

chimney four years ago.

The brush is still up there.

You've got a good memory.

any more trouble.

My wife is trying to get to sleep.

Well, it's only five o 'clock in the afternoon.

Doesn't she go to sleep at night?

Since you came here, nobody sleeps at night.

Yeah, look, what are you doing at one o 'clock this morning? You were standing

on top of your coal shed, waving a kipper and whistling.

My cat's run away.

I was trying to attract her.

You can attract anyone.

Yeah, look, two o 'clock this morning, you're on the telephone shouting your

head off. What were you trying to do, get through to Australia?

Yeah.

I don't think that's funny. No, no, I don't think anything's funny.

I was trying to get through to my grandfather in Australia, but over

their clocks are upside down.

See, they sleep during our day.

In this street, you don't get to sleep night or day.

It's not my fault. I tried to call him this morning.

But in Australia, he lives right out in the back out, see?

And there the kangaroo must have kicked down his lines.

Oh, hello, Mr Lewis.

Have you finished, Frank?

No, I have not finished, Frank. But I will finish, Frank, one day.

I will, one day.

I think he's cracking.

I can't understand it. Our last neighbour, it took six...

before he broke down.

Oh, she's... That's Jessica.

Yeah, she must have found her Jubilee coin.

What? Well, I just thought for a nice birthday surprise, she'd just like to

up and see the Queen's head under her pillow.

Dr Mender,

yes.

Horace Hutchins.

What? A rehearsal for the hospital pantomime tonight?

No, you did not mention it this morning.

Well, look, I've only just got my costume. I haven't even tried it on yet.

Oh, yes, I'm sure Matron's looking forward to it.

Oh, very well, I'll come round as soon as I can.

Doctors.

I should have gone to sea like my father.

You know where you are with sailors.

Yes? I've just had a call from a Mr Spencer.

I can't see Mr Spencer now. Tell him to stay in shock until tomorrow.

No, it's not him. It's his little girl.

He said she swallowed the Queen's head.

Oh, no.

Oh, get on to Dr. Hutchins. Tell him what's happened.

Tell him to meet me at 27 Sodbury Terrace in about half an hour. And tell

we'll go on to the rehearsal from there.

Oh.

Mr Lewis, I'm afraid you've appeared at a bad time. When you appeared, it was a

bad time for all of us. All I've heard for the past half hour is you shouting

and hollering.

Because I've been strucken with the panic strict up there.

He had to call the doctor.

Oh, I see. He's taken your ways.

Not me.

It's Jessica who's not very well.

As for my own defect, it seems to me that my ears are just too big a problem

the National Health to cope with.

Your ear is what I defective.

It's what's in between them.

I beg your pardon?

I am on early shift tomorrow morning, four o 'clock, and I am now going to

sleep. If you give one single shout, drop one single screwdriver, or wave one

single kipper, you will be the first man to go into orbit with my boot as a fuel

pipe.

Fuel pipe, indeed.

Looking at me in that tone of voice?

Any more of that and you'll be laughing on the other side of your boot.

Mrs. Spencer, your daughter is perfectly all right. Oh, good.

This is for Mr. Spencer.

It might help to calm him down, if anything can.

Well, I'm so sorry you had a wasted journey, Doctor, but Frank really did

that she'd swallowed that coin. And then when he shouted for me, she'd already

been sick.

Mrs. Spencer, I think I'd be sick if your husband held me upside down and

me.

She was so frightened.

Of course she was frightened.

Mr. Spencer charging around the bedrooms doesn't have to frighten anyone.

Standing still, he can be quite alarming.

Oh, Dr. Mender, before you disperse your tools, could you have a look at my

ears, please?

Frank, the doctor is in much too much of a hurry to look at your ears. It won't

take a minute. I've got them with me.

Mr. Spencer, there is nothing more I can do for you.

What do you mean they're beyond all medical aid?

Mr Spencer, I sometimes think you've always been beyond all medical aid.

In that case, you leave me no alternative.

I shall transport my hearing aid to Harlot Street.

I shall seek a second opinion.

You've had three opinions already.

You've seen Dr Hutchins at the hospital, you've seen my colleague, and you've

seen me. I can't give you any more treatment.

It's just a question of time. Your ears will be perfectly all right.

Pardon?

coffee. Pardon?

You got it as well.

It's the bells.

Frank, just put the gas on. I'll pop up and see if Jessica's all right.

I'm sorry I was irritable just now. It's just that I've had a lot on my mind

this week.

That's all right, Dr. Mender.

I've explained it all to her.

All alone in a world without a friend. Oh, don't remind me about that. I

I asked you to keep it to yourself.

Oh, well, we can't have secrets amongst friends, can we?

And you are amongst friends.

Would you like a sausage roll?

Excuse fingers.

No, I don't think... Good heavens, I shall hardly have time to change.

Now we don't dress for dinner.

You don't understand.

I'm due at the hospital in ten minutes and I have to dress up. Oh, a special

occasion?

It's all right. She's fast asleep.

Spencer, I think I'd better forget about the coffee. I have to be at the

hospital with you.

No, no, it's only just round the corner.

You can change upstairs while your coffee's perfor -shaking.

Is that all right, Betty? Well, of course it is. Oh, do stay, Doctor.

Please. Please do.

All right. It would save a bit of time. Thank you, yes.

My clothes and the car.

Frank.

Frank, what's he going to the hospital for?

Well, he's got a special function on and he's going to wear a dinner jacket.

I think a night out will do him good. What did you think of him?

Well, I didn't think he was looking his old self.

No, nor did I.

I'm glad my mother's not alive to see it.

It's just like my Uncle Albert.

The one who thought he was Nelson?

No, no, that was his son, Mildred.

Now, Uncle Albert was just like Dr Mender. Got very depressed.

One day he just went in, jumped in the bath and sank eight of Mildred's

battleships.

And when she went in to try and get them back, he stuck his carbolic up her

telescope.

My zipper's stuck. Could you give me a hand?

You can't reach me from there, huh?

I don't want to reach you.

Mr Spencer, I don't have too much time. I have to wear this tonight.

Dr Mender, you can't go out like that.

What's the matter with you? You look like a woman.

Well, I should hope so. That's the whole idea.

like it. No wonder the cat ran under the bed.

What are you talking about? Stop saying such silly things. I'm not. He asked me

to zip him up.

He's standing there. Mrs. Spencer, I think I've forgotten a handbag. I wonder

you have one I could borrow.

I thought you were joking.

Joking? Was Uncle Alfred joking when he sunk Mildred's battleship?

What are we going to do?

We can't go in and go out.

Like that, the neighbours might think it's me.

I tell you what.

You go up there and talk to him, woman to woman.

I'll call our doctor.

He is our doctor.

He is our doctor.

I'll call the hospital. I'll get someone else's doctor.

Go on, you go up there. I'm right behind you. Oh, Frank, I'd be a lot happier if

you were right in front of me.

Oh, look, you go and face him and I'll phone the hospital.

All right.

All right.

After all, I am the head man in the house.

I'm the only man in the house.

All right, Dr. Mender.

Don't be afraid.

There's no need to hide. I'm your friend.

No, I'm not your friend.

Where have you gone?

To my car.

Wasted enough time already.

All I want you to do is help me. I will. I will.

fight this together.

What the devil are you talking about?

Please, please, just keep saying to yourself, I'm a man.

I'm a man.

I'm Dr. Mender, the man.

Will you get out of my way? You can't sit stuck in outside that front door.

Think of your wife.

I haven't got a wife.

That explains a great deal.

Well, think of my wife. Think of me.

It's impossible not to. You're never out of my sight.

There's the neighbors.

Have you gone mad? Those bells, those bells.

Oh, my God.

They'll put a stocking over your head. They'll think it's her mother.

It's her mother.

Dr Hutchings from the hospital. Is this Dr Mender? My goodness, you were quick.

Oh, no.

Not you.

Hutchings, thank goodness you're here.

May I intercept you, please?

What's wrong with you this time?

It's Dr Mender.

I know it's Dr. Mender.

Well, don't you notice anything different about him?

In what way?

He's wearing a dress.

Well, I can see that. Is that what you're wearing tonight? Yeah, if I ever

there. But you can't go out like that.

No, it is a bit chilly.

You'd better borrow my overcoat.

Come on, Hutchins. We should be on the stage by now.

Curtain went up at 7 .30.

On the stage?

Yes, it's a dress rehearsal at the Hospital of Pantomime.

The Pantomime? Yes.

Oh!

We're the Ugly Sisters.

You're the Ugly... Well, you don't look that bad.

And all the time we thought that you was a couple of... No.

We're the Ugly Sisters.

And we're one short. No.

The third one's gone down with gum. One short?

Well, then, I could be the solution to your problem.

I've done a bit of thespianism myself.

So I could be your ugly sister.

Don't be ridiculous, ma 'am. Well, I've already got my costume. I made it for

the Sodbury Terrace Carnival.

Cheeses of all nations float.

But they had one cheese too many and pushed me off the float.

My dear fellow, I haven't time to listen to all this rubbish about change. Have

I got time to change?

Change? I'll be right there.

I am a little Dutch girl done up with paint and powder. I'm here to please

edam cheese and half a pound of gouda.

Dutch girl?

Gouda? What's he talking about?

Oh, come on, Amanda.

Now he's woken up, Jessica.

Would you excuse me?

It's all right, darling. Mummy's coming.

What that poor woman has to put up with.

You mean a difficult child? No, a difficult husband.

Lettie! You look exactly like your photo.

I beg your pardon, sir.

I am the family doctor.

Lettie?

Certainly not.

I've seen some ugly -looking pom -sheilas, but starve the lizards.

Oh, if you're the third ugly sister, I'm afraid they've gone.

Will somebody tell me what's going on here? I've just flown 13 ,000 miles and

arms are tired.

Yes, Grandpa!

Yes!

Now, where is my grandson?