Original subtitles

Sit.

Now, let's get a little shampoo in all those nooks and grannies. Yes.

And wash the weevils out of your whiskers. He's a good boy.

Now we'll rinse your body with the council tap water.

There.

That's it.

Now, wait a minute.

Jessica's supper's ready.

So you stay there.

You stay there like a good boy and you practice your swimming.

Right? You look at me, you play with your duck.

You can practice your doggy paddle. And I'll be back in five minutes.

What's this?

Haddock and cheese and macaroni dinner.

Yum, yum, we're going to enjoy this.

Doesn't it look nice?

Mr. Panda thinks it looks nice. He likes haddock. And Daddy likes his haddock.

And Jessica likes her haddock.

Now, what do we do when we like our haddock? Eh?

Yes?

Oh.

No, come on now. We don't shake our heads. We open our little mouths, don't

So we're going to eat it up, aren't we? Like this. One spoon for Daddy.

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm.

Oh, I did enjoy that.

And one for Mr. Panda.

He liked that, didn't he? And he enjoyed that. He likes it. Look, he wants some

more. No, no, no. You can't have any more.

He can't wait to get his hands on your macaroni. Look at him jumping up and

down.

You'll have to eat it up quickly or there won't be any left.

Come back here.

That's it. Get indigestion.

Is Jessica going to show Daddy how she can make a big tunnel?

Look, I'm making a big tunnel. And here comes a train.

Look, we put the spoon on the train.

And it goes choo -choo -choo -choo -choo -choo -choo -choo -choo -choo -choo

-choo. Puff, puff, puff, puff, puff. Round and round and round and over the

bridge and into the tunnel.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

And now... And now it's going... It's going round again and there comes the

train and going to Mr. Panda and he's opened the tunnel and into his tunnel.

Yum, yum, yum, yum. Now the train is coming down over the bridge and all the

into Jessica's tunnel.

No, no, that didn't go into the tunnel, did it? It went all over Daddy's... Now,

look.

Here comes the supper train. The driver's name is Bertie. If you open

he'll pop inside unless his engine's dirty.

Now, Jessica, Daddy's talking to you in an angry expression.

On the brink.

Now, for the last time, the very last time, one spoonful for Daddy.

One spoonful for Mr.

Panda.

Who made the rude noise?

It was Mr.

Panda's naughty, dirty Mr. Panda.

Slap his paws.

That's it. And into his tunnel. And there's one spoon for Jessica into her

tunnel.

And there's another spoon for Daddy.

Excuse me.

I think someone's just pulled my communication cord.

Oh, good evening, Mrs Lewis. Do come in.

I hope I'm not disturbing you.

You're not eating or anything, are you?

No, no. I've finished my supper.

I was just wondering if my lodger was here.

Mr Quincy. No, no. He's gone dancing with Betty.

Has he?

Oh, yes. Come to think of it, I believe I have seen them out together before.

But then, I expect you knew about it.

It's a Wednesday night. It's dance night.

See?

Since Betty's mother had her operation, she can't babysit for us anymore.

In fact, she can't sit anymore.

So we babysit alternate weeks with Jessica.

Last week, Betty stayed with her and I danced with Mr Quincy.

You danced with Mr Quincy? Yes, he's very good.

I've danced with a few men in my time, but none quite as light on their feet as

him. The men often dance together.

It seemed a bit strange at first.

Yes, it would.

All those bare legs.

Bare legs?

What kind of place is it?

Well, it's Scottish dancing.

Well, I've flung many a fling with Mr Quincy.

See, he's chairman of the local Liberal Party, and I'm his membership secretary.

So I thought that if I went dancing with him, I might get the chance to get to

know him a bit better.

He seems to be getting to know Mrs Spencer very well.

What do you mean?

What time will they be back?

About 10 .30.

What do you mean?

Pity it had to be Scottish dancing.

I mean, with him in his kilt.

My Alfred used to play football.

I've seen what the sight of a pair of bare knees can do to a woman.

We got rid of all those unwelcome little visitors, have we?

Yes. I just got rid of an unwelcome visitor myself.

Now, wash with soap, dry with towel, lose those germs and we won't smell.

There's a good boy.

used to blow my mummy dry every Friday night.

So she'd be nice and smart for Wilfred Pickles when he'd come on the radio.

Have a go, Flo, your sister's feeling low.

She kicked a Christmas pudding and nearly broke her toe.

You liked that, didn't you?

Right, all finished.

That's it, up. Now down we go.

That's it.

Is that your mother I hear returning from her gallivanting?

I think it is.

In there.

That's right. You go on being as smart as that, I'm going to enter you for

chuffs.

I hope I've not bored you too much.

All I ever seem to talk about is dancing and politics.

Oh, that's... It's all right, Roland.

I know how much your dancing means to you. And the team are doing so well,

aren't they? Oh, yes. Everyone's working together.

I'm sure we've got a great future ahead. Oh, that reminds me. I've got some news

for you. I meant to tell you earlier, but... Would you like to come in for a

coffee? And we can talk inside.

Thank you.

Well, that is... Are you sure your husband won't mind?

Oh, Frank won't mind.

No, he likes company.

home for some coffee.

Roland, do I know him?

Mr. Quincy.

Frank, hope you don't mind.

Well, I was feeling a little tired. I was just about to mount the staircase.

Well, you go on up, Frank. I'll see to Roland.

Yes, please, you go to bed. You don't look too good.

Nothing like dancing for keeping you fit and active.

You know, people never believe that I'm nearly 42.

Oh, I would.

lounge, Roland?

You sure I can't help you? No, it's quite all right. Thank you.

So, it's Roland now, is it? It was Mr. Quincy last night.

Well, he is our dancing partner.

I can't keep on calling him Mr.

Did you have a nice evening?

Oh, very nice, thank you.

Two jars of haddock macaroni and cheese, and three hours of chronic indigestion.

Then I sang Jessica to sleep, told the dogs to stop licking parts he shouldn't.

Then I washed them for him and then blew him to sleep.

It was very exciting.

Oh, good.

Well, I'm sorry we were late, but we stayed behind afterwards talking.

He should be a little more considerate. The only reason I'm still awake is

because I'm not asleep.

Frank, have you noticed something about Roland?

Funny you should say that.

Don't you think he looks a bit like my father?

He looks nothing like your father.

I thought he looked more like your mother.

He's certainly got a walk.

Well, he's very quick on his feet.

Yes, he was certainly quick enough jumping through that front door.

seen our new t -shirt? I'm saving that for visitors.

Well, we've got a visitor.

Doesn't he know what time it is? 11 .30. He's got to get home yet.

He only lives next door.

Oh, sugar.

Pardon? We've got no sugar. Could you put some in the bowl? I'll get the milk.

You've got to be more careful, Betty.

The things you do could be misunderstood.

What things?

Well, he's a single man with a single man's faculty.

And you don't want to start infacultating too much.

He's already shortened his kilt by several inches.

What in the dog's bowl? Look what you're doing.

All right, all right.

It's the same way you always smile at the butcher.

The butcher?

He's been married 40 years.

As my mother said.

Just because your hat is on the peg doesn't mean to say your head's in the

cloakroom.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, he thinks you're a bit, you know.

What? Well, you know.

Paul?

Simple sexy.

Well, of course I told him you weren't.

Thank you very much. Well, you don't want all the neighbours talking about

Well, I don't see why not. They've done nothing but talk about you ever since we

moved here.

Oh. Well, I'm glad I'm making some sort of impression.

Especially now after my entrance into politics.

Did Roland say anything about me being on the committee with him?

Well, he did say that working with you had been an unforgettable experience.

Did he?

It's amazing how quickly you got this room up together.

Last time I was here, you had hardly any furniture.

Yes, well, it was a bit of a struggle.

But the local church formed a Frank Spencer disaster fund.

And the monks at St Cuthbert's had a whip round.

I didn't get a lot from that.

Because they don't pay a lot for monkeys nowadays.

Well, I hope things go a little more smoothly for you from now on.

It doesn't do the Liberal Party image any good, you know, if people fear

committee member living the way you were.

It doesn't do anyone any good living the way I were.

Anyway, I think Betty's got it all looking very nice now. Oh, your wife has

good taste.

And some things.

That belonged to my mother.

Oh. Chinese?

No, no, she was English, same as me.

I mean, was it made by the Chinese?

Oh, possibly. She did work amongst them for many years. Really?

In Hong Kong?

No, at a Bullcock Road lawn.

Oh, in the RAF, I see.

Yes, indeed I was, as was my father and his forefathers before him.

Were you ever? No, no, no. I tried for the commandos.

But I have this funny leg, you see.

So I noticed.

That explains a great deal.

I must say, I admire your wife.

She's always so cheerful.

In spite of everything.

She tells me that you're still out of work.

It's true. I did vacate my last position.

That's only because I wasn't very happy about some of the manager's decisions.

She said he sacked you.

That was one of his decisions.

Frank, I just thought perhaps Roland would prefer a glass of wine. Oh, yes,

would be nice. It's rather warm this evening.

Frank, would you get the glasses, please?

You sit down, Roland.

Thank you, Betty.

I do hope you don't think we're heavy drinkers. Oh, no, of course not.

No, we only get it out on special occasions.

That's why we've got so much left.

Roland, I believe you said you had some news.

Oh, yes, I certainly have. You'll be pleased to know that Mr Ian McDougall,

prospective Parliamentary candidate, has agreed to be guest of honour at our

forthcoming fundraising dinner. Oh!

And afterwards, as a tribute to his country of birth, you know, I've been

to present a display of Scottish country dancing.

Oh!

That's our first public performance.

Um, Frank.

I take it that dress will be formal, tilt and foreign?

Naturally,

the dancers will be expected to be in the appropriate costume.

Oh, Betty, isn't that exciting?

I've only been there in lessons for a few weeks and already I'm going to be

dancing before a prospective MP.

Frank, if I could just explain... One

lump or two.

Do I detect the aroma of the French vineyards?

No, no.

Dispenser rhubarb.

Yes, it's homemade.

Frank makes it all himself.

Yes, there you are, Rowling. You try that.

That's a near -virgin bottle of the 77.

August. Very good month for rhubarb and dispenser bins.

Oh, I do hope there's a photographer at this special occasion.

It would be so nice to have a photograph of us all dancing.

Well, not all of us, I'm afraid.

Of course, it would be nice if we were all in the scene, but you do understand,

on such a special occasion, I do feel that only the very best dancers should

on display.

Ah, yes, I agree there. I endorse that right up to my head. I know it's a

disappointment, but I'm afraid, well...

Someone's always got to be first reserved.

Indeed they have. And let me say at this point, clearly, let it be understood.

If anyone drops out, you're going to be the first one to come in.

I'm already in.

It's you who's out.

Me? Aye.

Me? Aye.

Well, myself, a fencer in the Kilted Reserve.

Frank out?

I mean, not after all of his effort. I'm sorry, Betty, but we must make a good

impression. Well, is it anything to do with the way I dress? Because I have got

a proper sporran now.

Like something, anyway. Heaven knows what you were wearing round your waist

week.

That was a little fur glove.

Betty, he's got the proper outfit now.

Yes, the Caledonian Society presenting me with a kilt and all the accessibles.

They belong to a bedridden Scotsman who dropped his caber at the last Thailand

game. No, Frank, I've made my decision.

Is it my knees?

I know they stick out a bit, but I could learn to walk all over again.

Knees? Of course it's not your knees, man. You're too splendid. Knees, it's

you. You're just not good enough for the team.

Not good enough?

Oh, can't you fit him in somewhere? I mean, it's so important to him. Well,

would you expect?

He's only had a few lessons. Oh, but...

Look, everyone gets rejected at some time or another.

But not as often as Frank.

Look, couldn't I go along and just make a little exhibition of myself?

That is just what I'm trying to avoid.

If I can't be in the team, couldn't I end up doing a little dance on my own?

But when you are in the team, you always end up doing a little dance on your

own. Oh, look, but he does know the steps now. He's been practising them at

home. Well, I'm sure he has, but... What about sword dancing?

That I can do. I've been practising with the bread knife.

No, no.

I do not want you performing before Mr MacDougall. I can't risk a political

occasion becoming a fiasco. A fiasco?

Is the right literature coming into my ears?

From one colleague liberal to another, I've a good mind of hand in my kilt.

Well, of course.

It's entirely up to you.

That was Columbo.

Look out, ma 'am. Look what you're doing. Stay, boys, stay.

What did you... I just hope he isn't going to be sick.

Show him where the bathroom is.

Yes. Come on, Columbo.

No, not the door. Oh, Roland. Oh, my goodness. I'll get a cloth for you. It's

all right. I've got some cleaning things next door. I think I'd better go. Oh,

I'm ever so sorry.

Frank, will you get Roland's jacket?

come out.

It's a warm night. Why don't you carry it?

Fold it up properly, Frank.

Shall I wrap it?

He lives next door.

Betty.

Thank you. I'll see myself out.

Good night, Roland.

I just hope he didn't swallow any. Well, of course he didn't. Do you see him

coughing? Not Roland, a dog.

Just look at the state of him.

I'm taking him around the block for some fresh air.

Well, look, he's big enough to walk.

He can't. He's drunk.

I've also drafted a letter of thanks to our candidate, Mr MacDougall, who at the

moment is on a visit with home near Loch Lomond.

Extremely beautiful area of Scotland, I'm sure you'll all agree.

Ah, Trossachs.

I beg your pardon?

Trossachs.

That's the part of Scotland that Mr. MacDougall is now visiting.

The Trossachs.

I mentioned to Mr. McDoodle that we may be a comparatively small branch, but our

canvassing is beginning to show results, as I'm sure our membership secretary

will confirm in his report.

Oh, yes. Mr.

Chairman, if I may take the floor.

Mr. Chairman, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm pleased to report that I have managed to gain a few new recruits from

Indian community.

Very encouraging, Mr.

Membership Secretary.

Mr. John, if I could linger a little longer.

Regarding my Indian recruits, I would say that I have promised them, if there

an election, transport to the polling station.

Oh, yes, let me arrange that. How many are there?

649.

But I can take three in my car.

If they did all turn up, we'd have twice as many votes as our last three

candidates put together.

Are you quite sure they're all going to vote for us?

Well, I'm not too certain about the Bhagwan Rams, but I have left one of our

brochures with them, and the milkman has promised to translate it for him

tomorrow morning.

So we should know about lunchtime.

With respect, Mr.

Membership Secretary, I do think that in the future it might be as well if you

can find your canvas into those members of the electorate who can actually speak

English.

Otherwise, how the hell?

Well, how can they possibly understand our policy?

Point of order, Mr. Chairman.

Are they even aware of McDougall's thoughts on immigration?

Well, I've no idea who's going anywhere. He's not.

Immigration is when you're coming into a country, not when you're going.

But then Mr. Spencer never did know whether he was coming or going.

If I could draw your attention, please, ladies and gentlemen, to item six on the

agenda, social activity.

I think you'll all agree that our garden play was a resounding success.

Yes.

Despite one or two disappointments.

Mr. Chairman, if I may indulge myself on your floor again.

May I inquire, in your expression of the word disappointments, God and fate are

relevant activities pertaining to, were you perchance referring to my exhibition

of canine handling?

Point of order, Mr. Chairman. Mr. Secretary's canine handling is not on

agenda. Yes, with respect, Mr. Membership Secretary, I do think we have

more important things to discuss. I'd rather forget the whole incident.

Quite enough has been said about that dog already.

But that's why I'm here to defend him, Mr. Assistant Treasurer.

Mr. Treasurer.

You see, it's possible that some of you may have felt that he didn't quite rise

to the occasion.

He didn't rise at all.

But that was part of his training.

It's very difficult to keep a dog sitting in the sitting position.

But he was still in the sitting position two hours after the fight was over. I

thought he was dead.

Indeed he was not. A pity.

He always closes his eyes when he's thinking.

It's the sign of a good dog. You may also have noticed the alert position of

right leg.

I did when he stood next to me.

That wasn't his fault. That was that hat you was wearing, all them pom -poms.

You look like a coconut tree.

Ladies and gentlemen, to order, please. Item six on the agenda. It also includes

Mr MacDougall's visit, which we want to advertise as much as possible.

In fact, I think I did mention at our last meeting that I'd welcome any idea

to how we should word our posting.

Yes, let's mount a campaign to be proud of. Apart from posters and leaflets,

what we need is some really good slogans. Yes, we do need some good

Something original, mentioning Mr MacDougall by name and explaining who he

Mr Chairman, here I make.

McDougal is a man who'll put us on our feet. So meet the face behind the kilt

and give him back his seat.

By his seat, I mean his parliamentary support, not his bodily posterior.

Quite, quite.

Now, regarding arrangements for the dinner... See, my mother was always very

busy. I understand the tickets are going quite well.

She won first prize for Rosie's toilet soap in the war.

Yes, yes, I think we can definitely promise Mr MacDougall a large audience.

Rosie's soap is second to none when you've got Rosie Bath Night's fun.

She got two book tokens for that.

She said he'd be arriving in the afternoon.

By train, I assume? Yes, yes, he gets in at... MacDougall, MacDougall, what

rhymes with MacDougall?

Oh, it's three, three o 'clock, yes. Myself and some of the committee will

to be there to meet him, of course. And we must arrange cars.

MacDougall is frugal.

No, no, no. Don't make him sound mean.

It's bad for the party.

I booked him in at the star hotel. Oh, how long will he be there? Oh, just the

one night. I'm afraid he'll have a very important meeting on the following day.

MacDougall comes from Scotland.

MacDougall comes from Scotland, and you may think he's foreign, but here is he,

and you soon see he's not all wind and sparring.

Mr. Chairman, with regard to our forthcoming dinner, do I have your

that Mr. Spencer will not be included... McDonnell will... Oh, no, no, no, it's

a wrong name.

Mr. Chairman, do I have your assurance that Mr. Spencer will not be included...

But Mr.

Spencer will not be included in your dancing. Yes, you certainly do. As I

earlier today.

Today.

Today.

McDougal is the man today.

It's true that he's a Scot, but now he's thrown his kilt away.

We can just see what he's got.

If you do find yourself two legs short for the dancing tonight, mine are both

still available. No, look, I've already told you we have all the dancers we

require.

It's just I've been rehearsing.

There's someone I missed in my recruiting campaign.

Excuse me.

A very good day to you, sir.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Mr. Spencer, and I am here to meet a Scotsman.

I am not a Scotsman.

Indeed, you are not, sir.

I am here to meet Mr.

McDougall, your liberal candidate.

Mr. McDougall is a fine man.

Oh, yes, very fine indeed.

And when you get home, I would like you to tell all your friends and neighbors

to vote for Mr. McDougall.

Yes, certainly.

When I get to Bombay, I will tell everyone.

And you needn't think that we're providing transport for him.

Mr. McDougall.

Mr.

McDougall is the man for you.

So back him to the hilt.

He'll stop the rot.

He knows what's what. There are no flies up his kilt.

It's a short drive from here.

My briefcase. I've forgotten my briefcase.

Look at the briefcase.

I'll get it.

Oh!

Excuse me, sir. Could you hold the train, please? I've got to get a

I don't think that's the right carriage.

He'll soon find it anyway.

Will he?

Speak to him.

He should have found it by now. I think that's my carriage.

I'd better have a look.

It's all right. I found it.

so far, and it's not over yet.

However, seated next to me is a gentleman who's far better qualified to

about that.

I refer, of course, to our guest of honor this evening, our parliamentary

candidate, Mr. Ian McDill.

Thank you,

ladies and gentlemen. It's good to see so many people so thoroughly enjoying

themselves and contributing to party fun.

I'm very glad to be given this opportunity of introducing the final

it is something that I have been particularly looking forward to. In

have a shrewd suspicion it was arranged for my benefit.

It is, need I say, a display by the Quincy Scottish Country

Dance Team.

Although, regrettably...

Mr Quincy is unable to take part.

But let us give him a big hand.

However, however, we are not to be disappointed.

Despite the short notice, a replacement has been found.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the Quincy Cottage Country Dance piece.

Shit!