Original subtitles

Do you want 49?

Keep going!

Keep going!

Keep going!

Keep going!

You'll have to park further down.

Do you want 49?

Yes, sir. Just a minute.

Are you all right? Come on, just hit something.

Try again.

Hang on a minute.

I'll tell you what to do. Right, reverse.

Now, what we need is more space.

amongst yourselves.

I do have quite a lot to do.

I don't know what you're standing there for.

There's nothing to see.

Oh, thank you.

I didn't want Frank to carry it. It's got all my glassware.

William, that's a bit premature, isn't it?

I haven't even moved out yet.

It's like Piccadilly Circus out there. Have you packed the teapot?

Teapot?

Well, here's the handle.

The rest of it can't be far away. Oh, everything's getting broken. We won't

anything left.

Betty, calm down.

Surprise. Here's the teapot.

I'll tell the removal men to be more careful. The removal men haven't even

started. It's you.

Will you stop getting excited?

I don't know much to do. I don't know how we're going to go.

Please, Betty, just sit down. Take the floor off you, please.

Don't worry, I've got everything organised.

It's my glasses!

Eddie, please, please!

We had too many glasses anyway.

Yes, did I hear a knock?

Excuse me, that's going in the back of the car with me.

I'm not removals, it's rent -a -television. I'm taking you back to the

Yeah, well, he's had second thoughts.

Well, he has no right.

I've paid my black and white deposit.

Well, you'll have to speak to the manager.

I certainly will, young whippersnapper.

Mr Spencer.

I am he.

The name is Denham, area housing officer.

I'm charmed.

Good grief.

Ah, you noticed.

I was getting round to it. Getting round to it? Mr Spencer, you're supposed to

be moving out this morning. Well, I wanted to leave the house as I found it.

you'd left this house as you found it, you wouldn't have to leave.

And where are the removal men?

They're out in the garden shed having a meeting.

Trying to decide whether it's safe to come in or not.

Just look at it.

Is it like this upstairs?

No, no, no, no.

It's quite bad up there.

Are you the removal man?

Yes, and we're not going upstairs.

There's no need. I've brought everything down.

You certainly have.

What do you expect with all the upheaval of moving?

Just as I was getting it straight. Getting it straight?

Yes. All I needed was a little more time. If we'd given you any more time,

place would have fallen down.

Oh, hardly that.

I admit there are one or two small defects.

did have to come to this, ejaculated from our fixed abode.

Look at the state my wife's in.

The cat's not taking it too well either.

Her tummy's in a terrible state.

Don't you understand? You've made this entire building unsafe. It could

at any minute.

We may well consider taking legal action over this. Well, you can count on me to

back you up.

Whoever built this once hung in drawing and quartering. Not against the

builders, against you. You had no right to carry out alterations without the

consent of the council.

Excuse me?

Excuse me, Mr Denham, for correcting your wrong.

Tenancy agreement.

Conditions of tenancy.

The tenant, that being my good self, and my spouse, shall be liable for all

minor repairs.

Minor repairs? Well, undertaken, I might add, under great stress.

Working all hours.

My notice has hardly been under the duvet.

Last night he slept on the bedroom floor. I was told that you all had to

downstairs.

The bedroom floor is downstairs.

He used to be upstairs, but we had a bit of woodwork.

Mr. Denham, I don't think you fully appreciate what I've been trying to do.

there we agree.

Frank has been trying to save you money.

Exactly.

I think it should be quite clear to you that this house is not perfect.

Is that surprising?

According to our survey, you have removed half the supporting wall.

When you moved in, this house had wall -to -wall carpeting. Now it doesn't even

have wall -to -wall floors.

It's easy for you, isn't it?

Standing there in your semi -detached council trousers.

It's easy to knock a man when he's down. I don't have any choice. You never seem

to get up.

And, Mr.

Benfer, when you move into your new house, you will not remove a single nail

loosen a single screw without obtaining council permission in triplicate.

But that's not my...

Now, mind my sexy progress.

These plants are very delicate.

Although I have found that they do thrive on the...

Does

this timber have to go?

No, that's the bedroom floor.

so I can keep an eye on my plants.

Edie?

I can't quite believe we're moving, Frank.

I know.

We've had some happy times in this room, haven't we?

You remember the day we got married?

and you carried me over the threshold.

I know I was meant to carry you, but I had a bit of trouble.

I know it sounds silly, but I've always thought that when you leave a place that

you've liked, a little part of it goes with you.

A little part of it is going with us.

I decided... Tighten the bedroom floor with a sound.

She's got heavy boots on. Where does she think she is? Browns Hatch?

My best poof.

Have you taken leave of your senses?

He'll be squashed flat. Here, help me shift this stuff.

That's no good.

Mr. Spencer.

Good afternoon.

Is this the North End Council Estate?

Hospital?

Hospital? What happened?

I fell in some tar, didn't I?

I've been greased, scraped, scrubbed, lubricated in all my personal regions.

They changed my oil three times.

And whose fault was it, may I ask? Who was driving like Knocky Lider?

empty, I thought you and our furniture might still be on the road.

Most of it still is.

Is it all right?

It'll be a little easier to assess that after they shoveled it up.

Shut up!

What about all your clothes?

You're looking at most of them.

Apart from five socks, three shoes, a pair of Y -fronts that were found

a bollard.

houses which were 200 yards further down the street hanging from a lamppost.

That's not mine. Don't look at that.

Why is it everything has to happen to us? I mean, isn't it enough that we have

to live in this awful hell?

Oh, come on, Betty. It's not as bad as all that.

Come on.

Give me another couple of days, I'll have it looking just like our old place.

Don't you dare.

I know it's not Buckingham Palace, but a few homely touches.

No curtains in the window.

Pictures on the wall.

Flowers in the vase.

Water in the tap.

Gas in the pipe.

You mean we haven't... No anemones? No.

Right. Where's the telephone?

We haven't got that either.

But they knew I was coming today. I booked it.

Specially. Oh, Betty, I can't operate without a phone.

It's like my right arm.

Look what they've done to me. I'm on the brink. I'm a man in... Man in cess now.

Go straight down to the gas port, see about the water, and then telephone,

telephone house.

No. Better still, I'll go down there and face them voice to voice. No, they

won't give you a telephone just like that.

They will if I explain our situation.

The last time you explained our situation, they cut us off.

Mr. Spencer?

I am he.

I am Mr.

Wright. Please sit down.

Thank you.

Now, I understand you'd like the telephone installed.

I would indeed.

I have written to you asking for this, but as yet I have received no reply.

Really? Well, that's most unusual.

It's Spencer F .W.

That is correct.

Yes.

27 Thudbury Terrace.

Yes.

Yes, we seem to have had a few little problems with you already, Mr Spencer.

To what are you alluring?

Well, there was the question of your garden extension.

Which, I might add, was never extensionified.

We do not install telephone equipment.

In chicken houses.

That was my workshop.

There was a chicken in it.

Well, he had no right to be there.

I know I left the door open, but I can't be held responsible for every piece of

powder and poultry that happens to pass by.

There also seems to be a great deal of correspondence regarding your telephone

bills. Oh, I didn't make half those calls.

If an anonymous mouth keeps ringing up saying rude and lewd things, I don't see

why I should have to pay for it. How can anonymous calls go on your bills? He

kept reversing the charges.

Honestly, Mr. Wright, I've done everything in my power to find out who's

responsible. What about the police?

No, no, no, it doesn't get me.

Have you informed the police?

Of course.

But they just told me to make out a list of all the people that didn't like me.

But that was weeks ago.

And they've done nothing?

I'm still writing out the list.

I see.

Yes, well, we'll get you a telephone as soon as we can, Mr Spencer. Yeah, but I

had heard that you kept a few, you know, up your jumper.

I beg your pardon? I'm speaking metaphysically, of course.

But I had heard from them out there that you kept a few lines under the counter.

For important businesses like doctors and vets. You're not a doctor?

Not at the moment, no.

Are you a vet?

Well, I once helped give birth to a pig.

That's when I lived on a farm.

Mr Spencer, what exactly do you do?

Don't you know?

No. That is why I am asking.

baby being born, haven't you?

Well, it's just the same with a pig.

Only there's a lot more grunting going on.

What is the nature of your business?

The nature of my... Well, I have my finger in a lot of people's puddings at

moment.

I'm into all sorts of things. I hope soon to form my own company.

In a council house?

Yeah, well, that's why I need an office, you see, and I have one to meet my

clients.

Hence my dire need for a telephone.

What's the number?

I beg your pardon?

The telephone number of your office, Mr Spencer.

Ah, well, I... Where you meet your clients.

Gone out of my head. I assume, to keep in touch, that the office has a

telephone. Yes.

It's 54837.

Thank you.

5... 5... 4... 4... 8... 8... 3... 3...

Thank you.

I don't think they're really... Just a minute, Mr Spencer. Please!

I beg your pardon?

It's the labour exchange.

Well, they do use it as well, yes.

Are you telling me that you actually rent an office at a labour exchange?

Well, it's not exactly an office.

It's more...

You rent a corridor.

Well, they don't charge me for it.

That way I can meet a lot of people, see.

Then that's your business.

Standing about in a corridor asking people if they want any work done. And

manager doesn't mind.

The manager suggested it.

See, as he couldn't find me a job, he thought maybe someone else could.

Yes, well, there's no need to keep you any longer, Mr Spencer. We shall inform

you when we've got something for you. But I thought... Good day, Mr Spencer.

I wanted to make someone happy with a phone call.

Come in.

Sit down, please. I won't keep you a minute.

That's a shorter telegraph pole.

No.

Only, I've got a big plum tree in my garden.

I'll have to look it on there.

Please, please, please.

Oh, excuse me. I did knock and you didn't hear. I know the door was open.

I'm Mr Lewis. I live next door.

Oh, hello.

I'm Mrs Spencer.

Oh, yes. Well, and I...

Hope I haven't inconvenienced you. I wasn't expecting you till tomorrow.

I'm afraid I've turned your water off.

Oh. Yeah, well, you see, there's only one stock cock for both houses. I had a

few little repairs to do. Oh, will they take very long? No, no, no, nearly

finished. Here, perhaps you'd like to come and meet the missus. They were

to be neighbours.

Oh, that would be nice. Come on in.

Eddie!

Mr Denham wasn't there, but his secretary said that maybe the water was

off from the... Oh, well, it'll be a nice surprise for her.

Your husband's very capable.

You've never needed any little jobs done.

Alfred's very good with his hands.

Just a question of knowing what you're doing.

Thank God! Oh!

Oh, my God!

Another little job done.

Forty -three to go.

Frank!

Frank, have you turned the water on? Yes, it's all right now.

Where you been?

There was none need to send for anyone.

I'm sorry, you seem to have had a wasted journey.

Oh, is it raining?

Did you touch that stopcock?

I did indeed.

As you most probably know, I have to share a cockstop.

Yes, I did know that. And that idiot next door went and turned the water off

without telling anyone.

Frank, he told me.

Oh, you've seen him?

Well, if he interferes in my water again, I shall have to go and see him

You are.

Indeed I am.

And you can tell your waterboard. I am not from the waterboard. Mr. Lewis lives

next door.

Next door?

Our next door?

The next door?

Next to this door?

Any more questions?

No.

Then perhaps your wife would leave us alone for a couple of minutes.

No, I'll go with her.

This is a nice, quiet street. And I hope for yours take it safe that way.

Do I make myself clear?

Yes, you do.

There's no need to be frightened of a new house, is there?

Do you remember Peter the Pixie?

Peter the Pixie had to leave the magic forest because he misbehaved with the

fairies, didn't he?

So what did he do?

Long as having a bath.

He walked all the way to Pixieland and he said his poem.

And what was his poem?

Goodbye, little fairies.

I'm leaving at the double.

I'd like to stay for one more day, but I've had a bit of trouble.

Yes. Was that funny?

Yes, it was.

And then they reached Pixieland, and they lived happily ever after, didn't

And that's just what you and me and Mummy are going to do, aren't we?

That's it.

That's it. You play, we come. Would you like me to sing you a song?

Shall we put the music box on?

Yes? It's your favourite.

I'll sing you... I'll sing you a little song.

We'll wake Mummy up in the bath.

Let me sing you a little song about a cat.

Listen.

There was a man who bought a cat.

He fed it well.

It got so fat.

He had to stroke it with a broom.

And when it purred, it shook the room.

Eating, eating, he couldn't stop.

Growing, growing, until he went pop.

One day outside, a dog it saw, and went along to shake

a paw.

The dog just gave a frightened pant. He thought it was an elephant.

I think she's all right now.

I think Mr Lewis enjoyed it as well.

I could hear him snoring.

Well, I'm glad somebody's enjoying something. We've got no hot water.

Well, I don't understand that.

It was all right when I bathed Jessica.

Unless my elbow deceived me.

Well, I didn't hear the tank filling up again afterwards.

All right, I'll have to investigate.

Have you got any matches?

Oh, Frank, you can't... I can't do it tonight.

Betty, remember what my mother always said before she reached for the hammer?

Put behind you what's in front of you today, or otherwise you'll wake up

tomorrow with what's behind you in front of you.

I think.

Well, she seems nice enough.

He's all right, too, in his own way.

As long as he stays in his own way and keeps that in mind.

We haven't been here far.

Give him a bit more time before you judge.

Then see what happens.

All right, well, give him a bit more time and we'll see what happens.

See what happens?

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

What a night.

Oh, Mr Lewis.

How's your close -to -sleeping row going on?

He's only in the loft.

He's no fit to be up there. That loft runs right through to our house.

could happen.

I shall have to see the house, you know.

They've no right to send him to a nice, quiet street like this.

They could have sent him out in the forest.

Or better still, on the top of a cliff.

No, he doesn't like heights. Well, I don't like noise.

Well, he hasn't done anything.

Well, you'd better stop him before he does.

You don't have to tell me that.

Perhaps he's fallen asleep on the job.

It's a pity he didn't fall asleep before he started the job.

Well, I hope he hasn't had a fall.

Well, a bit of luck he's fallen and broken his breaking neck.

I heard that.

Throwing abuses at me in my loft.

That is my ceiling you are standing on.

Frank, what's happening?

It's all right. The cat followed me up.

I'm trying to catch her.

Come on there. Puss, puss, puss, puss, puss.

Never mind the cat.

to chase my cat upstairs.

I am not a peeping Tom.

Look at my bedroom!

Ah, yes.

You've got the same curtains my mother had.

wake you earlier.

Excuse me.

It's all right, Mr. Lewis. I am now underneath you.

All is well.

I will push you back up.

That'll save making any more damage.

I'm just telling your wife about my mother's curtains.

I'll give you curtains.

It's not as bad as all that. As my mother always say, when things look bad,

go to sleep and dream away your sorry.

But you may have had an awful day, but tomorrow could get worse.