Original subtitles

That wasn't bad, was it?

I think I've mastered that.

Well, I did stop.

Well,

I had hoped that you'd be driving a bit faster by your twelfth lesson.

It's your father's car, isn't it? I don't want to overheat it.

You can do 50 or 60 miles an hour.

That's on a straight road. I was coming round the corner.

The corner was 100 yards back. You had plenty of time to accelerate.

I didn't want to unnerve you.

Well, look, do you think you want to go on with this? I mean, you've always been

nervous of cars.

I know, but if I can drive it, I hope my qualifications want it.

Make it easier for me to get a job.

I'm doing quite well now.

It's only the road signs that confuse me.

It's a bit mixed up with the traffic lights.

But I've mastered the emergency stop.

Yes, it's five miles an hour.

Look, do you want to go in?

No, I think we'll go round the block once.

Give them time to decide what I'm going to do today.

I think so, yes. Mr Hooper said when he sent me for that job yesterday, I

suppose I'll see you again tomorrow as usual.

Good morning, Mr.

Batchelor. Morning, Mr. Hooper.

Morning. Everything ship -shaped and Bristol fashion, I hope?

Yes. Good, good.

No crises on our hands this morning, then? No, sir.

Everything's normal.

Excellent. You know, I'm going to find the south of England a little quiet.

we go again.

There's a queue 100 yards long at my last employment exchange. A thousand men

out of work. It was quite a challenge.

It's not quite as bad as that here.

Let me just get the problem ones.

Oh, Mr. Hooper.

Any man without work is a problem.

Depends who the man is.

You just can't help some people. But it's our job to help people. That's why

we're here.

What are we supposed to do if a man comes in here every day and he's tried

possible job? What?

He's talking about Mr Spencer, our most regular customer.

Spencer? Has he been here a long time?

He was here before I was.

Mr Rufford used to deal with him. Ah, now, Mr Rufford, yes, I've heard

about that. Yes.

That was the window he jumped through.

And I got lumbered with Spencer.

Lumbered, Mr Hooper, lumbered. You call finding a man work being lumbered? Mr

Rumford said he was unemployable.

No man is unemployable. And don't let me hear you using that word in this

building again.

Well, he was ten years at the Ashton Labour Exchange before he moved to our

district. I did hear that the staff at Ashton had a collection to help pay for

his removal.

Mr. Runford wanted us to have another collection here so we could send him

again. That is the most extraordinary story I've ever heard. I should very

like to meet the man who's tried every possible job.

Good morning.

Oh, good morning. I'm Mr. Bradshaw, the new manager. Can I help you?

Mr Hooper usually deals with me.

He might not like it if someone else did. There's Mr Hooper. Mr Hooper?

What job have you lost this time?

A little more politeness, Mr Hooper, if you don't mind.

There.

Conway's Window Cleaning Company, Victoria Road.

Now, how did you mess that up?

Well, I left yesterday afternoon.

You only started yesterday morning.

I don't like heights. Well, why the hell did you...

If this gentleman, Mr... Spencer, F .W. If Mr. Spencer

is... Well, if Mr. Spencer doesn't like heights, there wasn't much point in

sending him out on a window -cleaning job, was there?

He could have been killed.

You cradles, of course, is that you don't touch the buttons. They're fully

automatic. What are you doing?

I'm not coming up.

Stop messing about. Come on. No, I can't stand heights.

Come on, mate, and never mind about all

that. It's like models. I can't stand it. Wait, what are you doing? I want to

get out. Let me get out.

Never mind about your fucking rent. Let's just get rid of this bloody broom.

I don't actually know what the official position is, really.

Then why did you leave?

The foreman threw a bucket at me.

Well, I mean, couldn't you explain things to him? Perhaps he'd let you do

inside window.

I tried to see him at the hospital.

He's in the same ward as Mr Rumford.

Ah, yes, Mr Rumford. Could you see any sign of improvement in him?

I couldn't see him at all, really.

It was when the nurse told him I was coming.

He hid under the bedclothes.

And the foreman locked himself in the lavatory.

Well, I mean, surely you've got something else for her, Mrs Spencer.

I'm willing to have a go at everything.

You have had a go at everything. Oh, good God, man, show a bit of initiative.

Why don't I very best have? All right, Mr Hooper, right. I shall deal with

if you don't mind.

Right, now then, Mrs Spencer, educational qualifications.

Do you have any certificates?

Yes, I have one.

Ah, we have one certificate.

O -level or A -level?

25 yards breaststroke.

Well, I mean, that's hardly relevant, is it really?

Well, I thought it would help me get a job more easily.

I wanted to be a lifeguard.

Splendid occupation. Now, I might be able to help you there.

No, not good anymore.

Because of my ears.

What's the matter with your ears?

When I get salt water in them, I go all dizzy.

Mr. Cooper, I am trying to help this gentleman finding out if he's had any

experience. He's had plenty of experience. Just turn over the page.

right. I was just about to.

No, I see you were a trainee chef at the Fleece Hotel.

That was before it burned down.

And were you there when the fire started? He was the only one there when

fire started.

And, uh, postman, plumber's mate, ticket collector, deck chair attendant,

security... Oh, security guard.

Now, how did that go?

Well... Rex!

Rex, here I am, boy!

Who's that?

It's only me.

What are you doing here?

Well, I was a little bit worried about you, so I thought I'd come along and see

how you were getting on.

I can't find Rex.

He's my dog.

I wouldn't mind so much, but he's pinched my whistle.

You see, his lead broke.

So I had to use the chain from my whistle to tie him against the door

Didn't want him wandering off.

He's very valuable.

Well, how did he get away from the door handle?

He did, and he took it with him.

Strong as a horse.

You didn't pass him coming down the road, did you? No, no, I only saw two

lorries go past.

Frank, how long have you been out here?

Oh, I think about 1 ,800 hours.

Well, don't you think you ought to be getting back?

I can't go back without my dog and whistle, can I? I'll lose my job.

Frank, look!

This belonged to you.

Oh, thank you very much. That's Rex.

He's ever so valuable.

I'm the only one who knows how to handle him.

Down, boy, down.

Down.

I picked him up just along the road.

I was on my way to Grouper's factory.

Oh, well, then it's lucky you've seen me.

I'm the new security guard.

Can I be of assistance?

I have been trained to act in an emergency.

You'd better start acting right away.

Some villains have just knocked off two lorry loads of stuff from your factory.

Oh.

Frank, what will you do next?

Barman, night porter, cranny journalist.

Yes, well, you've started to be very active.

Now, where were we now? Oh, it's the education.

Now, you have no certificates at all, I mean, apart from the... 25 yards breast,

I think.

Well, I don't think we'll bother with that. We don't have all that much call

short -distance swimmers.

Now, then, what school did you attend?

Well, I moved to bed a bit, really.

I was sort of freelance.

Well, how long were you at school?

I mean, when did you start school?

Well, it's difficult to remember exactly.

Yes, well, I don't expect you to remember to the nearest week, but how

you when you started school? Four, five, six, seven?

Ten.

Ten? Oh, good God.

Well, it was a very long journey.

And there weren't any buses.

How old were you when you left?

About eleven.

You only had 12 months at school?

Well, I used to go back a bit after that.

But I didn't stay very long.

I got lonely.

You found it difficult to mix with the other children?

There weren't any other children.

Oh, you were the only one in the class?

I was the only one in the school.

My mother used to take me during the summer holidays.

So I wouldn't get bullied.

Didn't she want you to have an education?

She didn't want me to mix with the other boys.

Just in case I picked up any dirty habits.

His mother was a victim.

What's he say about my mother? Nobody is saying anything about your mother.

Don't you take my mother's name in vain.

Nobody is taking her name in vain. But you see, with your lack of proper

education... I didn't have a lack of proper anything.

My mother gave me all the education I needed.

And the caretaker was very helpful too.

Good God, if the education in this country depends on the shoulders of

caretakers... He was a very nice man.

He kept rabbits.

I don't want to hear about his bloody rabbits.

Mr Rumford never swore at me.

And I don't want to hear about Mr Rumford.

Not even when he jumped through the window.

He was a very nice man.

And I am a very nice man. You're not.

Look, I have been very nice to you since you came into this building. You have

not. I don't like you.

And if you're going to carry on giving me harassments, I shall leave.

Now, Mrs.

Panther, please.

I am going to find you a job. Just give me 24 hours.

Come and see me again tomorrow.

Saying about my mother? No, he didn't say a thing about your mother.

I'm a man.

I bet you, I bet you a fiver you can't find him a job he can keep for a week.

You bet me five pounds you are on. You have got a lot to learn about me, Mr

Hooper, a lot to learn. You've got a lot to learn about Mr Spencer as well.

Now, this is where to go, and don't forget to say that I sent you.

And the very best of luck, my son.

Thank you, Mr Spencer.

Well, I've just sent Mr Spencer out on a job.

You see, I've been studying his papers very carefully, and I think the main

difficulty was he'd always been alone, no -one to guide him. So where I've sent

him, he'd be working with a team of well -trained, friendly men, each one

capable of giving him sound, helpful advice.

Get your ruddy hand off my trousers.

What's he doing now? He's trying to pick my pockets.

I'm not.

Good. I have never seen such a bleeding... Mr. Spencer, do you think

make a little more effort, please? Now, if you was to put your hand on the

mattress instead of my braces, we'd move a lot quicker.

We're an hour behind as it is, sir.

No, no, I'm sorry. And I'm sorry I dropped the piano.

He means the one in the next street, sir. Yours is all right.

So far.

Grab on, then.

Relieve Frank, will you? No, relieve us all.

Yeah, Frank, you go and get the headboards, all right?

And try not to break anything this time.

Yes. My mother was very religious.

Oh, that's very interesting.

I nearly became a priest.

That is interesting.

There were difficulties, though.

Oh, there are always difficulties, I'm afraid.

And what was your particular problem?

They wouldn't have me.

One can't always understand these things.

No, I couldn't understand it at all. No, one can only pray.

That's what my mother always said.

Used to say, Frank, I'll just have to pray for you.

When I went for a job or anything.

God moves in a mysterious way, as wonders have performed.

That's it.

That's what the priest said when I tried to join up.

I thought I'd mention it, seeing as you're in the same line of business.

I'm very glad you spoke to me, Frank.

I suppose you don't often get the chance to have a serious conversation.

Oh, well, in my parish... What the hell do you think you're doing?

Sorry, sir. All right, stay where you are. Bird, can I be of help?

Not unless you can drive a car, sir. I want this van shifted forward about six

feet. Bird!

Oh, I can drive.

You can drive?

All right, then, go on, then. Be careful, then.

That's fine, young man.

Lucky I brought them with me to my driving lesson afterwards.

You're not still taking lessons? Yes, I'm getting on quite well.

I've had 14 so far.

Oh, but, look, are you quite sure it's perfectly all right? I mean, I don't

to interfere at all, but you do understand... Mind your fingers,

I said, Mr Foreman.

I said, do forgive me... You'll be all right, sir. You'll be out of the way.

Who the hell's that?

Frank!

Mr Spencer?

Sacked on his first day, again.

Must be very worrying for you.

Yes, well, I've managed to find him something else.

What? Another job?

That was quick.

Oh, I don't mess about, Mr Hooper. I believe in getting on with things. Well,

you think he'll be able to keep it? Mr Spencer?

Yes, I should think so. You see, there's no great problem. It was merely a

question of finding out where he could be fitted in.

Um, by the way, uh... Before you both start, I thought I ought to tell you

we should be having a new member of staff.

Professor of work, you know.

He'll be assisting me in various duties.

Mr. Bradshaw, I am the senior member of your staff. I am quite capable of

offering you any assistance you require.

This is no reflection on you, Mr. Hooper, at all. I merely thought that

blood, new ideas would help us a little. And I'm sure he'll be a great asset to

all of us.

Ah, here he is. Come in. Good morning.

Now, this is Mrs. Dobson and Mr. Spencer. Good morning.

And, of course, you already know Mr. Hooper.

Now,

I'm sure they both make you feel at home. I thought this was his home.

Mr. Spencer, would you mind waiting out there, please?

Now,

is something the matter? It's not right, is it? Not right? I mean, you're

jeopardising the entire employment exchange just so you can win your bet.

little wager has nothing whatever to do with it. Well, I'm not giving you the

money until he's done a week.

Mr. Hooper.

Mr. Spencer is here to stay, whatever you might think. I have found him

employment worthy of his talent.

They are nice.

Mr.

Spencer! Come away from there!

are you doing? Do you know what this is?

Oh, I thought it was some sort of tea thing.

Tea thing? This is £300 ,000 worth of equipment. There are only six of these

the entire country.

Oh.

What's it do?

Well, it stores information.

It transmits and receives all the data concerning jobs and men.

It's called Harpo, you see.

Named after the firm who invented it, the Harrison Adams Research Programme

Otulator.

And, look, you see this spool here?

Now...

This contains two years' concentrated information from every employment

in the country, and yet, within seconds, every detail on this can be transmitted

to our computer headquarters at Runcorn.

Have they got something like this on Clacton Station?

If you put a penny in, it tells you fortune.

I've got mine with me.

I always carry it around with me. My mother is rather proud of it, I think.

There. You are kind.

intelligent and generous.

But your ruthless streak could make you enemies.

Lucky colour blue.

I know it's not really true, but I like to look at it when I'm feeling

depressed. It cheers me up a bit. Oh, I'm sure it does. But I think you'll

that scientific technology has moved down a little since the days of fortune

-telling. Oh, yes. You can get milk now.

Where? On Clacton Station.

Oh, if it's working.

What, the station?

Now, the milk machine.

My mother always used to think there was a man inside doing it.

I couldn't understand machines.

I told her there wasn't, but she made me take the back off and have a look.

No, she never understood machines.

My mother.

It's like Ernie. She used to send him Christmas cards so he'd remember in the

drawer.

Yes, yes. Well, there are certain similarities between Ernie and this, but

is far too complicated for you to understand.

Still, I'm sure I'll pick it up after I've had a couple of goes, aye.

A couple of goes? Mr. Spencer, you surely don't imagine that you're going

able to handle this?

Well, I can. I thought I was going to be your assistant. No, no, I just want you

in the building, you know, to help generally.

Now, what would you say to a cup of tea?

I wouldn't say now.

No, no, I would like a cup of tea.

I'll get it for you. Yes, if it's not too much bother. Now, look, the kitchen

across the corridor there, and Mrs. Jones will show you where everything is.

Where's the fire extinguisher?

Oh my God!

came into my office, and you asked for a fire extinguisher.

I just wanted to know where it was.

Well done,

Mr. Cooper.

Oh, 25 seconds. That's not bad for a first exercise.

Exercise?

Fire drill. I just wanted to see if you were on your toes.

Dismissed. Not you, you fool.

Mr. Spencer, why can't you mind your own business?

Well, you told me that I should look round. I wondered what I should do in

of an emergency.

If ever there is an emergency, the most useful thing that you can do is to get

out of this building as quickly as possible.

You no longer have any confidence in me.

I don't want you to leave, of course.

Now, why don't you go and see about that tea, eh?

I'm sorry.

Bradshaw here.

Ah, hello, Runcorn.

Yes, yes, certainly.

Right away, yes. I'll deal with it. Right.

Mr. Hooper!

Computer headquarters, Runcorn on the phone.

They want a complete check.

Full rundown and all our information.

Right.

Don't bring that thing in here. Mr Hooper.

Well, just keep it out of the way, will you?

Yes.

Hello, Runcorn.

Bradshaw here.

Runcorn here. We shall want your 1972 -73 revised six.

1972 -73 revised six. Right.

Right. No, no, no, no. Spool 49.

Spool 49.

We had 49 out yesterday.

There's some over here.

49. 49 should be... There's 79.

There's plenty.

49 should be... There's 49.

Oh, 49.

You idiot, look what you've done.

I'm sorry.

Can you remember what was done there?

Remember, there were over two million calculations on that one spool alone.

Two years' work. And now look at it.

I'll get you another cup of tea.

We shall just have to transmit the master, that's all, and send the

afterwards. Quick, quick, quick, quick.

Hello, Roncourt. Look, I'm sorry about the delay. There's been a slight

technical hitch, but you should be getting something through any minute

Right. Hurry up, please.

You can

smell something.

Watch out.

Oh, my God.

That's runcorn gone up, too.

I'll report about this in writing.

Yes, sir.

I'll pay for any damage.

£300 ,000 worth.

I'll offer my services for nothing.

Rancorn costs two million.

I work nights.

Get out! Get out! You are hired!

I'll be off then.

If any other little thing comes up.

I'd be interested.

Yes. Yes, there is something.

Now, look, would you take this home, read it carefully, and follow the

instructions.

Emigrate to Australia.

You see, look, I think you'll do well there.

Now, you see the man in the picture? He's a sort of a cowboy.

And he's got 5 ,000 sheep, eh?

Now, that would suit you, wouldn't it? 5 ,000 sheep, eh?

You see, if you had 5 ,000 cheap, you could afford to lose a few. You know, I

mean, people would hardly notice, would they?

No.

After all, I couldn't lose them all, could I?