Original subtitles

Prize. Prize it.

Mind my trouble. I'm a married man.

What

are

you doing?

Yoga.

Supposed to make you relax.

Will you please stop it? You'll do yourself an injury.

I told you yesterday I might be trying out some new positions.

Well, I wasn't quite sure what you meant.

Now, what's wrong?

Nothing.

I've just been worried about my last job.

I missed that fire engine.

I know, you always missed it. That's why they sacked you.

What's wrong?

Nothing. You haven't damaged yourself, have you?

No. It's just that I haven't felt up to it lately.

Well, when do you think you will, then?

I don't know. I've had a lot of worry betting.

It's bound to affect our relationship.

It's very difficult to have any kind of relationship if I'm in bed and...

I've been a bad husband.

Oh, no, you haven't, Frank.

And a bad son -in -law.

Your mother's never liked me.

Oh, but she will.

Our marriage was a great shock to her.

You know, she wanted me to marry somebody else.

Who? Well, no one in particular, just somebody else.

That's nice, isn't it?

I get very depressed.

I've been going through my whole life.

I'm a failure, Betty.

You are not a failure, Frank, and you mustn't go on thinking like that.

You'll make yourself ill.

Why don't you go and see someone about it?

Don't you even know where you were born?

Well, your mother must have told you.

She might have mentioned it.

But we talked of so many things.

Mr Spencer, you really must try to answer my questions. Now, that's the

point of your visit here.

Didn't your doctor tell you anything?

Well, he seemed a little confused when I went to his surgery.

My wife told me to go and see him, and when he saw me, he didn't know what to

do.

So he sent me to you.

Well, of course he wouldn't know what to do. He's not qualified to deal with a

situation like this. Now, I am.

I'm an expert. I know what's wrong with people like you.

I'm a failure.

No, you're not a failure.

Mr. Spencer, I know that you're not a failure.

And it's my job to convince you.

Now, that's why you're here.

Now, you must have faith in me.

I'm going to probe into the corners of your mind.

and dig out all the little fears and anxieties.

Hmm? Hmm.

What exactly was your relationship with your mother?

I

was her son.

Now, I know you were her son, but I was thinking more of, well, for example,

did she dominate you?

Well,

did she or didn't she?

I don't quite understand what you're getting at. I should have thought that

a perfectly straightforward question.

Did she dominate you?

Dominate, Mr. Spencer, it means to control, to command, to tyrannize,

bully, shout at.

Tower above!

I think I'll try the word association test again.

I might have a breakthrough.

Do you want me to lie down again?

No, thank you. I've already fallen asleep twice.

But when I came in, you told me to try and relax.

Relax, yes. I didn't want you to doze off completely.

Well, I was tired.

I've been up all night worrying about this.

I'm tired too.

I have a great deal of work to do and a lot of people to see, and since you

came, you haven't given me the slightest cooperation.

I have.

You've been here exactly half an hour.

Half that time you've spent asleep, and even when you're awake, you haven't

answered a single question.

You won't tell me where you were born.

You don't want to talk about your childhood.

You can't or won't mention a single thing about your mother, and your father

seems to have disappeared completely.

Mr Spencer.

What is the matter with you?

I told you, I'm a failure.

No, you're not a failure.

You only think you are.

Now, this is the whole root of your problem.

Why do you have such a low opinion of yourself?

People just don't seem to like me.

Well, of course they like you.

Now, I'm sure that you have lots of friends.

When I heard you were coming to see me, I had a few words with a mutual friend

of ours, Father O 'Hara.

I wanted to background information on your church activities.

Father O 'Hara, your parish priest, hmm?

He doesn't like me.

Well, of course he likes you. It's his job to like you. He likes everybody.

I can't even go to confession anymore.

I've been blacklisted.

Well, yes, he does mention that there were some incidents, but he didn't tell

you not to go anymore.

He just suggested that you should ration yourself a bit.

Well, apparently it was unfair on the others.

You're practically living in that box.

Did you have to take your sandwiches?

Why did he stop me getting a job, then?

He stopped you getting... What job?

I wanted to be a priest.

A priest?

Hmm. A priest?

Why?

I'd heard there was a shortage.

And it was December.

You know, the Christmas season.

They always have a rush on.

I thought they could do with every man they could get.

Mr. Spencer, you don't just become a priest.

You've had no religious training whatsoever.

I've been in a monastery.

Oh, really?

Oh, Father O 'Hara didn't tell me that.

No. Were you a novice?

No, I was homeless.

Was that the only reason they took you in?

I didn't have anywhere else to go.

And they said they'd put me up for a month or so.

And then I had a bit of bother with the chapel roof.

What did you have to do with that?

I fell through it.

I had the room above.

And when I jumped out the bedroom window... You jumped out of the window?

Mm. Why?

This monk came in with a big bell.

It was four o 'clock in the morning. I thought the place was on fire.

I know I'd asked for a call for an early service, but I didn't think it was

going to be that early.

It was only four o 'clock. I'd only just gone to bed.

I see.

Well, what about your Sunday school activities, hmm?

I was in a nativity play.

Yes?

I played Jesus.

Made a great impression on me.

Most probably affected my whole life.

Mr. Spencer, you were only three weeks old at the time.

You don't forget things like that.

That's why I've always kept myself pure and chaste.

So it would hold in good stead for me when I had the medical.

Medical? Being a priest.

Mr Spencer, don't you think you're aiming a little too high?

I mean, why can't you be more content?

After all, St Peter was only a fisherman.

But he did other things as well, didn't he?

That's all that he had.

Oh, yes. I've never had a chance.

Well, why can't you be more positive?

Think of your achievements.

I haven't got any.

Now, I've never had any encouragement. You need encouragement.

Well, what about your mother?

Now, surely she pushed you on?

She entered me for a baby show once.

Oh, really? Did you win?

I was disqualified.

Why? I broke the spring on the pram.

She had to exhibit me in the cat's box.

I see.

Well, you've a wife now, haven't you?

Now, meeting her for the first time must have meant a great change in your life.

Well, tell me about that.

There's been a lot of trouble there as well.

Yes.

Now,

now. Lady Bell, stop.

Stop, I'm chafing.

Thank you.

I had a little accident in the pond.

I'll help you find your horse.

Can you get up behind me? Oh, thank you very much.

I'm not putting you to any trouble, am I? Oh, no, no, it's no trouble at all.

She won't bite me, will she?

No, that's the back.

Oh, good morning.

You've had quite a hectic day, haven't you?

I don't seem to really get on with horses.

I prefer darts, really.

Well, what did you come here for, then?

Oh, I live with my aunt, and she thought the fresh air would do me good.

Well,

I joined because I thought I might make...

three times, and you're the only person that's talked to me so far.

That's nice to talk, isn't it?

Do you think I'll get a refund?

Well, not if we can't find your horse.

Look, maybe you should let me off here. I don't want to get you into any

trouble. Oh, no, no.

I'd rather stay with you.

You can tell me all about your dart.

I'll do other things as well.

sort of person that would lead an interesting life?

Bowls.

I play bowls as well.

Oh. When I said I went bowling, I meant on the green.

I haven't done this before.

It's quite easy, Frank.

All you have to do is try and knock down as many of those pins as possible.

Give it a good swing.

Well, I expect I'll soon get the hang of it.

Thank you very much for walking me home.

I didn't like to leave you. You were so shaken up.

Would you like to come in for a cup of tea?

Oh, I wouldn't mind.

Don't make too much noise, because I'm living with my auntie, see? She wouldn't

like me bringing anyone home.

Oh, I haven't got a key.

It's in the door on the end of a string.

She won't let me have one of me own.

In case I might lose it.

That's silly.

No, no.

That's what I'll say.

Can't you find it?

I've got it.

What's the matter then?

I've got my hand stuck.

Can you grab hold?

Yes, Auntie, I'm just coming in.

Who's that with you?

It's just a friend.

I'm Betty.

Betty Fisher, Mrs... Miss Stingle.

Miss Stingle? What are you doing here? She just brought me home, Miss Stingle.

You should be in bed.

It's only half past nine. It won't hurt me to be late just for once.

I would not take you in if I didn't know that you were going to go out every

night picking up women.

I've not been picking up... No, we only went...

They've pulled it down.

You can still see the bricks, though.

And part of the air raid shelter's still standing, isn't it, Frank?

That was the living room.

Did he tell you about his mother?

She was ashamed of him, you know.

She was not. When the education people called, she used to hide him in a

cupboard underneath the stairs.

He never went to school until he was ten years old. And when he did, all the

others stayed. away.

They did not. And it's no good you flouncing yourself at him. That won't

anywhere. She's not a strong trust. You birdie dolls are all the same. I'm not a

birdie doll. And you don't even think he's got any money either because he

hasn't. That's not true. I do have a bit. I've got some.

Oh, it doesn't matter, Frank.

I'd still like you even if you didn't have anything.

Would you?

Yes. I'd put your heart built by your teddy bear.

Oh,

teddy bear.

Hasn't? It's just decoration.

Are you coming in or do I have to come down?

Oh, I'm just coming.

Thank you for a nice evening.

We had a lovely time, didn't we, Frank?

I'm sorry you couldn't see my mum's house, but it gave you a good idea

the site.

Oh, I'm sure it was a lovely place, Frank.

It was.

Good night, then.

Good night, then.

Good night, then. Good night.

Can you manage all right now?

Oh, yes, thank you.

I know where the light is.

Yes, well, I can see it could have been rather difficult for you.

But surely when you explain the situation to your aunt... She knew what

Yes.

She threw me out.

For some reason, I just keep on upsetting people.

You do not upset people. You only think you do.

I upset them. Make them angry.

You do not make them angry. I've just told you that.

I antagonize people. You do not antagonize people. Good God, how many

times?

I know what I'm talking about.

I always antagonize. Shut up!

Do not antagonize people.

You only think you do.

Now, repeat this after me.

I do not antagonize people.

Go. I do not antagonize people.

Good.

But I do.

I told you.

People don't like me.

People do like you.

Your wife likes you. Your aunt likes you. Father O 'Hara likes you. I... I

you.

Then there's your wife's parents.

I've always had a bit of worry about her mother.

I've had constant harassments there.

Well, I'm sure she's very fond of you. Perhaps she's a woman who hides her

feelings. I wouldn't say that, no.

Surely, when she found out that you wanted to marry her daughter, she must

shown some emotion.

Yes, she got very emotional.

About gaining a son -in -law?

No, about losing a gas cooker.

What has a gas cooker got to do with you marrying her daughter?

Nothing at all.

Then why mention it?

Well, it wasn't working at the time, and Betty'd rung up for the man to come and

fix it, and he hadn't come, and she was very worried. Her mother's got an awful

temper.

I think that's why her husband joined the Navy.

He hadn't been home for six months, and he only went on a ten -day cruise.

Plus, she'd just started her spring cleaning.

I don't think I didn't call at a very inopportune moment.

Oh. Mrs Fisher?

Yes? Mr Spencer?

Yes? Your daughter suggested that I should call.

Oh, good.

She did give you the message then. Do come in.

I was beginning to wonder if she'd forgotten.

No. I'm sorry I haven't called before.

You certainly took your time.

I've been putting it off.

It won't light.

Oh.

She said you'd had a bit of trouble with it.

I was worried what you might think when you first saw me.

Look, I'm only too delighted you've come at all.

Can you fix it before lunch?

Maybe. Yeah.

Haven't you brought any tools?

No.

I could get some.

Oh, no, no. For heaven's sake. Don't let us waste any more time.

I know.

I'll lend you some of my ass. Do you think I ought to?

We won't mind.

He hasn't used them for years.

No, I meant with... I've heard a rattle. I think there might be something loose.

Well,

this was very loose.

The other's all right.

Not that one.

I'm always afraid of a gas leak. I can't see a thing.

Have you got a match?

A match?

My mother was always afraid of the gas because of her leg, you see.

Her leg?

Yes. Frank, she used to say, I will never have an explosion because I'll

be able to run away.

That's a big one.

Frank.

Frank Spencer.

You're not little Frank, are you?

Jessica Spencer's boy.

You knew my mother.

Everyone knew your mother.

She had many friends.

I don't think they'll remember me.

It's been three years since I got the sack.

Aren't you the gas man, then?

No.

Oh,

for grief.

Did you think I was?

No.

I'll claim on a personal matter.

You keep away from me.

Would you let me marry your daughter, Betty?

Betty? You?

Marry Betty?

You can't marry Betty.

She's got someone else.

He's a big man.

Ever so big.

Big and rich.

It'll be here any minute.

She's been going out with him for weeks.

Come in.

Spencer, I never thought I'd see you again.

Mr Hargraves.

Oh, my God.

Do you think you can do anything with it?

As he be.

Yes. Right, I'll arrange to have your gas turned off right away.

You're not going?

And when you get a new cooker, they might allow you a quid on the old one.

Well, if he'd be had it, you'd be lucky to get that.

Frank Spencer!

Mrs Fisher, could you tell me where your... what his

name is?

It's the cold.

And the smell of the gas.

And meeting strangers.

Stop at the stairs at the door opposite.

Thank you.

Oh, that is... Yes, it's Frank.

That's Jessica Spencer's son.

The Jessica Spencer.

Who? You must have heard about her. Everybody's heard about her. No. It's

son. My house.

Oh, Mum, I love him.

You love him?

Nobody don't love the Spencers.

They just keep out of their way.

Mum, you'll grow to like him, really, you will.

But he never knew his mother.

She's never really liked me.

It's been fair.

You were right and I was wrong.

You are a failure.

I told you, didn't I?

I was right all the time.

And I was wrong.

For the first time in my career, I failed.

No, you didn't. You mustn't think like that.

Don't you understand?

I'm a failure.

I'm the failure.

We decided on that. It was unanimous. I'm the failure and you're the expert.

Expert? How can I be expert if I'm wrong?

But that proves you're right, don't you see?

Think about it. No, I don't want to think about it.

Good God, how can I be right if I'm wrong?

Yes, but if you don't know you're wrong, you can't be right.

It's only when you thought that you were right that you were wrong.

And now that you know you're wrong, you're right.

To put it another way... No!

No.

No, I just want you to go.

Just leave me alone.

Yes.

Well, thank you very much.

You've taken a great weight off my shoulders.

Am I the first failure that you've met?

I don't suppose you often meet people like me, do you?

Mr Spencer, I have never met anybody like you.

It's not often that anyone does really know what they really are, is there?

If I have any more problems,

I'll know where to come, won't I?

I'm a failure.

Oh, really?

He just told me.

I'm just going out to tell the wife.

No.

I'm a failure.

I'm a real failure.

You soon will be if you don't shift yourself.

I told you.