Original subtitles

I suggest, sir, you go to the gents before you leave home.

Just chill.

You're kidding me.

Fine start to our second honeymoon, isn't it?

Travelling in different carriages.

I've said I'm sorry. That's what you said after the first honeymoon. We

even on the same train then.

The platform's mixed up. That was a lovely wedding night with me in Torquay

you in Shrewsbury.

Looks a nice hotel, though, doesn't it?

Nothing wrong with that, anyway.

Well, let's hope it stays that way.

Good evening, sir. Madam. Good evening.

I've booked a room for the weekend.

Mr Spencer.

Spencer. And Missy.

Oh, yes, I forgot.

And Missy.

We're together.

Well, if you would be so kind as to sign the register, sir.

Shall I put Mr.

N. Miffy?

Yes, well, it is customary under the circumstances.

I haven't done this before.

I've been away from home, too.

Oh.

Room number five, sir.

Just at the top of the landing.

Thank you.

I say, I'm just having a look round. I've got a nice room.

Hope yours is all right.

We just started our second honeymoon.

Have you?

I haven't done much today.

The manager's name's Mr. Bedford. I think he's all right.

I'm just going to have a look in the kitchen. Can't be too careful, can you?

No.

Mr.

Bedford, I wonder if I can have a look in your kitchen.

Legs apart.

Frank, why didn't you just tell him we wanted a double bed?

No, I didn't want to make a fuss.

Not after the way he looked at me.

All I've got to do is move the two beds together.

What is it?

It's all right, don't worry.

I just ripped a bit of lino, that's all. Oh, Frank, you told me not to mess

about, didn't I?

Oh, it's all right.

Cover it over. Give me that mat, Betty.

Oh, Frank, look!

They should have had carpet in here, then we wouldn't have had this worry.

Perhaps they took it out when they saw us coming.

It's all right. I can use the mat under the wardrobe.

It's all right. Don't worry.

Now, what have I got?

Mine, I've torn twice.

One good mat, one tall mat.

I'll tell you what, I'll put the tall mat behind the door and I can take it

in the morning.

Now, what have I got?

One good mat, liner torn twice.

No, we only tore it once. They can't blame us for that hole.

That was covered over, wasn't it? If they see that, they're bound to think it

was us.

And look, if I pull this liner over towards the bed, that will cover this

completely. Then this bit will be spared then. What will you do with the spare

bit? Put it in the corner and take it out in the morning.

Now, what have I got? One hole and a good mat.

So, I shall take the good mat and place it over the good hole.

Now, that'll be better all round, because when I bring the lino nearer,

will be nearer the bed.

With the good mat over it? With the good mat over it, so you'll have something

warm to jump over onto in the morning, won't you?

But what about the other side of the room when you move the lino over? I'll

come into that.

There will, of course...

A few inches of bare balls over here.

So what I shall do is, I shall move the wardrobe over there, the other side of

the washbasin to cover the bare balls.

But listen, what about the torn mat?

Forget about the torn mat, that goes out with the torn liner.

In the morning?

In the morning?

In the morning.

Now, what I should then have is a corner full of good liner here, a whole corner

full.

I would be covering the good bear balls, won't I?

Now, I've got to get this lino with a straight edge so I can bring that over.

Well, I can't do it like this.

Have you got a lino knife?

I am a silly. I forgot to pack one.

Well, I'll go downstairs and see a button farmer and they must have a knife

somewhere. No, you can't go down like that, Frank. It's all right. I'll only

in a minute. No one will see me.

Now, don't do anything while I'm gone.

I can hardly start without you, can I?

Same things like that.

I've been in the kitchen. I haven't seen the bathroom yet, but it should be all

right. Good night.

get you something, sir.

Oh, thank you.

I'll have a double brandy, please.

You, uh, you didn't hear anything, did you, sir?

About who?

I thought I heard a rather strange noise coming from your room, sir. Oh, the

floorboards. Good boards. Stay out, good Lord.

Leave our boards floors.

Better drink this before it gets cold.

That's nice.

Excuse me.

Do you mind if I come round?

Round where?

You know, in there with you.

Just, I feel a bit conspicuous out here.

I've got my pyjamas on.

Here you go, sir.

Thank you.

Oh, that's better.

It's nice in here, isn't it?

If you say so, sir.

It's more private.

They can't see what you're doing in here, can they?

I never mind people seeing what I'm doing, sir. No, neither do I.

you looking at?

The time, sir. It is getting very late. Have you been here long?

Yes, I took over from my brother about a couple of years ago.

Oh.

I'm an only child.

Yes, I just thought you might be.

My mother did want more, but my father was called away unexpectedly just after

was born.

What business, hmm?

Very likely.

My mother was never one to ask questions.

That's one double brandy.

60p. Right, very nice.

But you must let me get you one tomorrow night.

That's it. Strike, strike, strike.

Oh, Frank, do you think you should?

I don't want you to mess up the room.

I'm not messing it up. I'm making a few adjustments.

Now, that's it.

Now, off you get.

Right.

And put that in corner. That can go out in the morning.

And empty the wardrobe.

Oh, come on.

Perfect.

Frank, these boards look damned.

That's all right. This wardrobe will cover them.

Now, give me a hand here. Come on.

Legs apart.

Wait. Wait.

so silly. I was thinking we need a hammer.

Father, which are two hands?

What are you doing now?

I thought you wanted to pray.

Don't be so silly. I'm looking at the floor. I need a hammer. Then I can knock

this apart and I can put the strips of wood underneath and that'll steady it.

Oh, no, Frank, no. You've already broken the floor.

No man who never did nothing.

Never made any mistakes.

strips of wood underneath and then everything will be all right. Now come

give me a hand, Becky.

Hold this back up there.

Up in the air. Oh, I don't have to stand here all night, do I? Just hold it.

Where?

One minute.

Right.

Try that.

Have a look.

No, one end's higher than the other. I've just got a bit too much underneath,

that's all. Now hold it up again.

What exactly is going on?

I fell out of bed.

Well, look what you've made me do.

What's he saying?

We made him wet his trousers.

Always change it.

You can't change a door.

Not the door. The wardrobe.

There's an empty room across the passageway. They're bound to have a

there. We just do a swap.

Heads apart.

You haven't done this sort of thing before, have you? Come on, one last

then we can go to bed.

I'll just see if the coast is clear.

Yes. And change the bedspread as well. What do you like? What do you like?

Straight over.

minute, there's a wardrobe in here.

No, we can't take his wardrobe.

Well, he won't mind. He's most probably not using it. No, but it's stealing.

We're not taking it off the premises, are we? We're just moving it from one

to another. And he can have ours.

Come on, let's depart.

Wait for five minutes. He's been wandering around all night.

Well, he can take it in himself.

It's moved again.

It was outside that door. Now it's outside mine.

It seems to be trying to get into my room.

It's not your wardrobe, then, is it? No.

Excuse me, sir.

Have you got a wardrobe?

Yes, thank you.

broken. Yes, well, I can see it's broken.

Well, you can't leave it there. Anything could happen.

Oh, very well. Well, we'll just have to put it in the spare room and then sort

it all out in the morning.

That is, if we're still here.

Well, I'm not going anywhere.

No, but I might be.

Would you believe it? He didn't even want his wardrobe now.

Now, perhaps you can sleep safely.

Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. It was really quite exciting,

wasn't it?

Now, it's all over.

Yes, well, it is all over, so I think you should go to bed now. Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Mr.

Bedford! Mr.

Bedford! Mr. Bedford, the wardrobe's gone.

Yes, we've just put it in the spare room, haven't we? That wasn't mine. That

the family one.

There are no funny wardrobes in this hotel, sir.

Only funny people.

Well, where's mine gone to, then?

Well, it didn't come past me.

I'm going to get to sleep.

Well, you don't sleep in a wardrobe, do you, sir? Well, I want to know where it

is, though, don't I? I don't want to have to lie awake all night worrying

it. Wouldn't you worry if your wardrobe walked out?

Look, this is the spot. This is where it stood.

I say.

You don't think it's got something to do with the other side, do you? The other

side of what?

The spirit.

My grandfather always said he would try and come back to me.

What, in a wardrobe?

He never said anything about a wardrobe.

Perhaps that's the only way he could manage it.

Yes, quite. Well, I'll have a look round, sir.

Here, he's left his clothes in there.

You said he wasn't used.

Now they'll get the police in.

Now I'll just take his clothes back. There's no need to make a fuss.

He can always wrap himself in his bedspread, can't he? He hasn't got a

bedspread. Oh.

for me.

First of all, he didn't want his wardrobe. Now he doesn't want his

Is that you, Grandfather?

What's he doing?

I think he's trying to communicate.

With? His Grandfather.

Is he staying here as well?

He's dead.

You really will have to take something for your nerve.

I am. The next train home.

Look, my clothes have come back.

but my wardrobe hasn't.

Now, is there anything else missing?

Well, I don't think so.

Ah! The bed!

But your bed is still there!

The mouthpiece disappeared.

Are you sure you had one? Oh, of course I had one. It was blue.

It went with the wallpaper. Now it's gone with the wardrobe.

Where has it gone?

He's got it. He must have.

Well, what would he want with it? I've heard some very strange noises.

It could be doing something very funny.

What, with two wardrobes and a bedspread?

Very well.

I'm sorry to trouble you, sir.

You haven't taken this gentleman's wardrobe, have you?

I've only got one wardrobe. He's got two.

I know it seems rather silly, but this gentleman... He's got my wardrobe. My

wife is trying to get the clean. Yes, I do beg your pardon.

Well, go on, have a look.

Would you mind, sir? He would settle things once and for all.

It's behind the door. There was nothing behind the door.

Well,

I can see everything now.

I knew there was something funny going on. Yes, we've disturbed these people

enough for one night. Thank you very much indeed, sir.

It's all right. I think they're gone now.

Oh, what a mess. Where am I supposed to put my things?

On the floor.

All I want is something big enough to go over that hole.

If I had a bigger mat, I could spread it out over there and lead it back across

the bottom of the wardrobe.

There is no point in going on about it, Frank. We haven't got a bigger mat.

I wonder if he's locked his door.

I'm not going in that room again. We don't have to go in there. He's got a

just inside the door. I could open the door sneakily, grab hold of the mat.

Paul, he won't miss an old mat, will he? We'll wait till he's asleep, then he

won't notice a thing.

It's the other thing.

Don't make too much noise. You're the one who's making the noise.

Wait a minute.

Right, now spread it out. Spread it out. All the way. Yes.

That's it, perfect.

Yes, it's a nice mat.

Pity we haven't got a floor underneath.

Betty, I know we've had a few harassments, but it's all over now.

Oh, Frank, I'm worn out.

I just want to go to sleep.

No, tonight's a very special night.

It's our second honeymoon.

I've been looking forward to it.

Well, so have I.

No, you'll feel all right in a minute. Just you relax.

I'll take care of everything.

Oh, Frank, put me down.

Your eyes are watering.

I want to make this a night to remember.

Oh, I will remember it, Frank.

I'll never forget it.

You're not sorry we came?

Of course not.

Oh, Frank.

anything like it. Look at these straw balls. They're rotten.

You know, if I had a chisel, I could spin the cup.

What are you doing now?

I'm going. I've had enough. I can't stand anymore. Betty, you can't go now.

the middle of the night. I don't want to...

Mr. Bedford!

Mr. Bedford!

Mr. Bedford!

What is the matter now?

Mr. Bedford, I've heard noises in my chair. started to move. I couldn't stop

I want another room. I've never had a room like this before, everything on the

move. Well, I suggest you stay awake, sir.

Perhaps if you keep your eye on things, they won't move about so much. I'm not

sitting awake all night watching the furniture.

Couldn't I... Couldn't I move in with you?

No, you could not. This is a hotel, not an introductory service.

Well, I've been in the light, Tom. Yes, and so am I.

Look, couldn't you just keep watch outside?

Oh, very well, then, sir.

Maybe they'd think there was an earthquake.

They couldn't blame us that, could they?

We wouldn't have an earthquake just down the wrong room.

Well, maybe I could take a few things over on the way out. That might convince

them. You can use a few things on your way in.

We'll probably be prosecuted.

They've got to find us first, haven't they? It's got our address in the

register. Not the real one.

You gave them a false address?

Just in case.

A few years back with Mum down in Bournemouth.

It wasn't her fault she slipped.

The bed was rotten anyway.

We had a terrible night.

Up all night flushing a mattress down the toilet.

Let's just get out of here. Hang on, Mac.

Yes. Fine, go.

It's a slight problem.

What?

and tie some sheets together like in coldies.

I pull you down and then you pull me.

It's too far.

It's not. Get yourself together.

Mr. Bedford. All quiet.