Original subtitles

Frank? Frank?

He's outside.

He's opening the window.

Oh, Frank, he's coming in.

Then his teeth look different.

The Prime Minister.

The Prime Minister finished his speech two hours ago.

Dracula, that is.

He's just arrived at the girl's house.

I like these old silent films.

It's not a silent film.

Well, at least it wasn't when it started.

I'll have a look.

No, don't touch him! Don't do that.

No, I'll just have to get the man up in the morning, though heaven knows what

he'll say.

We've been blacklisted by three television companies already.

Well, our whole set might be mended by now. Well, how could it be? You only

it up on Tuesday.

And they're still looking for half the parts.

Jack, why don't you go to bed?

You know you've got to be up early in the morning. There's always a queue at

labour exchange.

I don't know why they couldn't keep me on at the post office.

They're shorter postmen.

Did they ever find your mail sack?

Yes.

It was at the bus depot.

I must have left it on the back seat of the 32.

Frank, you know that postmen aren't supposed to deliver their letters by

My feet hurt.

I've got athlete's foot.

They gave you a bicycle.

It only had one pedal.

a bite with one pedal, can you?

Frank, I spoke to the head postmaster personally, and he assured me that it

definitely had two pedals when they gave it to me.

in great suitcase with her.

Oh, let her in. Don't just leave her standing on the doorstep. Well, she

what time it is. Beth hasn't left her. Beth, please, Mum.

Oh, Beth. Oh, Mum, what's happened?

It's your father.

I just had to get away.

Here. Oh, Mum, you haven't left him. He hasn't stopped complaining since he got

back from his last trip.

And he's brought a pet with him.

A pet.

He doesn't pay any attention to me.

Tonight was the last draw.

I said to him, from now on, you can take care of yourself and your python.

Mum, I do know Dad can be a bit difficult, but you just can't leave him.

You don't know what he's like.

I'm just a slave to him. Day after day, waiting on him hand and foot, week after

week, month after month. Mum, he only comes home twice a year.

My mother had a lot of worry with my father, too.

Your father never came home at all? No.

if you don't understand.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, Frank.

Please find it.

Yes. Look, get hold of her legs and put them up so that the blood rushes to her

head.

No, she can't. She's got a dip in the middle.

Legs down the bottom.

Let's see.

It's not old, is it?

Frank,

put her on the bed.

Frank,

I don't like the look of her at all.

No.

got a spare room.

Well, you'll have to go on the landing then.

Oh,

I'm very worried about her.

You know what she's like. She always pretends to be here when she wants to

her own way.

Just an excuse to stay here.

But I think we ought to call a doctor, Frank. She has Dr. Smedley. Could you

phone him? You know where the phone box is?

It's out of order.

I pushed.

Oh, Frank, never mind. It doesn't matter now. Look, you'll have to try the

neighbours. Try Mr Faraday across the street. You know, the one who's just

in. He's got a telephone and he's a writer, so he's bound to be still at it.

What?

What? He's still at it. I don't want to intrude or anything.

for someone to talk to.

Hello, Peter.

Yes? This is Mark, Mark Faraday. Oh, hello, Mark.

Listen, Peter, I need your help. Well, anything I can do.

There is something.

I'm terribly stuck with the last script of the series. It's got a beginning and

middle, but no end.

Yes, I know the feeling. Look, could you pop round and have a chat about it?

Of course. I'm sure you'll be able to come up with something.

Are you at the new flat?

Yes. It's 20 Wilton Avenue.

Okay, is it?

Fine, except for one thing. What's that?

Well, it's supposed to be a quiet neighbourhood, but there's this demented

living across the street called Frank something or the other. What's he done?

Well, among other things, he blew up his television set.

Well, that's not too bad, surely.

It is, if half of it comes through your window.

Maybe that was his swan song.

I hope so. I certainly don't want him around when I'm working.

Oh, and Peter. Yes? Bring a bag or something with you, and then if we can't

the answer tonight, you can take these previous scripts home and look through

them. Okay, can do. I'll be right over. Bye -bye. Bye.

Is there anyone there?

Oh.

Hello?

Hello?

Is anyone at home?

Mr. Faraday?

Nice.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Frank.

Frank Spencer.

I need a doctor.

You're Frank from across the... A doctor.

Are you ill?

No. It's my mother -in -law.

She's not here as well, is she?

No. She's in bed.

I sat on her.

I was trying to get her legs up in the air.

So the blood would rush to her head.

And it dropped off.

Can I use your telephone?

working, don't let me disturb you.

She's my wife.

What is your mother -in -law's name?

Mrs Fisher.

Mrs Fisher?

Oh, yes, I know.

Hemlock Road, isn't it?

No. Oh, she's not Mrs Fisher of Hemlock Road.

Yes, she is Mrs Fisher of Hemlock Road, but she's not there.

Well, where is she?

She's with us.

I see. And where are you?

Oh, 20 Wilton Avenue.

20 Wilton Avenue.

All right, I should be there in about ten minutes. Goodbye.

Thank you, Doctor.

Goodbye.

Go on.

Oh, well, I'll pay you for the call. No, no, no, please.

I have to work.

I have to.

Well, thank you very much, Mr Faraday.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

He's coming as soon as he can.

Oh! Good.

Mum, Dr Smedley is on his way. Frank's just phoned.

He knows our address, doesn't he, Frank?

You did give him our address, didn't you?

Well, he asked me where I was calling from.

And I told him it's 20 Wilton Avenue.

Yes, that's Mr Faraday's address.

Didn't you give him ours?

He never asked me.

Typical. Frank, why do you do these things?

Well, shall I phone him again? No, no, it's too late now. He'll have left,

he? You'll just have to wait outside and stop him.

All right.

And, Frank, don't go disturbing Mr Faraday again. He's probably got a lot

writing to do.

My script.

Oh, God, where the hell's my script?

Excuse me.

Are you looking for number 20?

20, yes. Oh, well, you want 15.

Number 15, over there.

Look, I had a phone call.

No, no, it's my fault.

Can you come with me? I don't quite understand.

We'd better hurry. Is Mark all right?

They're just coming.

Dr. Medley.

Mark? Mark?

You're not Dr.

Medley. I was born.

Are you going to examine her?

Well, before I go any further, I really... No, no, not her.

This one.

Here. Look, shall I undress her? Ooh.

Ooh.

What for?

Well, so you can look her over.

Look, will you wait outside?

Hmm. No, no, not you.

Doctor! Doctor? I'm not a doctor, I'm a writer!

Ah!

Yes. Where's your mother -in -law?

Aberdeen.

What?

You're sending her to Scotland? For calling me out on false pretenses.

I didn't call you. I was given your address on the telephone.

Telephone? Oh, no.

Look, over there. Just go straight across.

Number 15.

Are you quite sure about that?

Do they need a doctor?

Do they need a doctor?

You're not going in there, are you? Yes.

You fool.

You fool.

Dr. Smedley.

Dr. Smedley. It's all right, Mrs.

Fisher. I'm here.

I'd have been here sooner if some idiot hadn't sent me to the wrong house.

Have you met my husband before?

No.

Chimneys. Cough.

Chimney. I advertised in a local paper and your wife wrote to me.

F Spencer Enterprises.

Chimney sweep.

Oh, yes.

You were my first customer.

Did you get a second?

I couldn't very well, could I?

Not without my brush.

Is it still stuck up there?

and to pull it down.

The lounge was ruined.

Look, I'm sorry about the disorder, but Mum has had a bit of an upset.

I'll just straighten out the bed covers.

No, I'll do it. No, leave it to me. Give me that.

I have your poor thing.

Take your hands off me.

Do you want an aspirin? No.

Get out of here. Just get out of here.

So when he asked

me in, I thought he must be a friend of yours.

I didn't realise it was him.

Then he dragged me upstairs and asked me to examine some old woman.

Like a nightmare.

I found him crawling around under the desk.

He'd rearranged everything. Everything he hadn't flooded.

Now I can't find the damn script.

Do you think he's taken it?

No. Why should he?

You don't think he's waging some sort of vendetta against you, do you?

Why? In heaven's name, why?

I've only been here a week and I met him for the first time tonight.

There was another man outside when I left. That was the doctor.

Are they having him certified?

No. It's his mother -in -law. He sat on her.

God. Do you think he'll go to bed now?

He must sleep sometime.

There's nothing wrong with her. She's just a bit depressed.

Drop that in at the chemist in the morning.

It's only a tonic.

And if she's not better in a couple of days, give me another ring.

I think I'll take the clock out to bed.

Because my watch has stopped.

And I need the right time to get up in the morning.

You do what you like, Frank. Just don't bother me, that's all.

I mean it, Frank.

I've had enough for one night. What with the television set and my mother and

the wrong doctor and the telephone calls. I can't take any more, Frank.

I've had harassments too, you know.

Haven't you had enough of him for one night?

We've had a bit of a row.

I think I'll just pop along and talk to him and... Oh, I see.

Oh, I'm very worried about him, ma 'am.

He just doesn't seem to know what he's doing.

He never knows what he's doing.

And when he's done it, he doesn't know why he's done it.

And nobody else knows why he's done it.

But he still goes on doing it.

He's not coming in.

I've had enough interruptions for one night. It might be somebody else.

It is him. He's got that bell stuck again. He did it before.

Peter.

He's brought the script back.

Jolly good.

I'm ever so sorry.

I don't know how it happened.

Good night.

Good night.

Oh, do you have the right time?

12 .28.

I'm a couple of minutes fast.

Why, why are you carrying a clock?

My watch has stopped.

Good night, then.

Good night.

I

told

you he was mad.

Why don't you ring for the police?

Talk sense. What can I say? Frank's at large. Send for reinforcement.

He must be breaking some law. He did steal your script.

He's brought the damn thing back again, hasn't he?

What about carrying an offensive weapon?

Have you got an offensive weapon?

That clock could do some damage.

He's got that bloody thing jammed again.

He's always getting it jammed. Damn him! Damn him! Now, careful, Mark.

Don't let him break you.

Blast the noise!

Why does he have to keep torturing me? Why? Why? Easy, Mark. Take it easy. I'll

go.

Oh.

Yes?

Mark?

Mark, have you got a ladder?

He's not on the roof, is he?

I can't get in.

Can't get in?

Go and get him what?

His house.

His wife's locked him out.

Locked him out? You can't blame her.

He ought to be locked up.

Mark, don't get excited.

Excited? Who's excited?

I'm not excited. Why should I be excited?

Couldn't you just knock on the door?

I don't like to.

I don't want to wake her up.

Why not?

You've woken everyone else up. Those you haven't blown up.

She's a bit upset, Faye.

Because her mother's there.

And we've had a bit of trouble.

About her husband's python.

It was the same when he had his monkeys in the greenhouse.

I don't know what they used to get up to in there.

But we never had a single cucumber.

And all my tomatoes went blue.

So can I borrow your ladder?

He only wants a ladder, Mark. Have you got one?

Yes. Yes.

Well, can I borrow it?

Sure. Why not?

Why bother to do any work when you can lend people ladders?

Who wants to write flabby scripts anyway?

He's been working very hard.

I think he's a bit tired.

Mark,

if you tell me where it is, I'll get it for you. Oh, no, you don't.

It's my letter, and I'm going to keep my eye on it.

He's already taken my script.

He's not having my ladder.

Snakes and ladders?

Shh.

No, it's fine.

My ladder.

Maybe it's my window.

Is that your room?

No, no. That's the landing.

It's the only window that's open.

Hey, don't take the ladder away until I'm inside, will you?

Oh, God.

Don't tempt me.

Control to Charlie 1.

Charlie 1.

Proceed to 15 Wilton Crescent. 15 Wilton Crescent. Neighbours report attempted

break -in. This is Charlie 1. Roger and out.

15? Wasn't that where we went? Yeah, Tuesday night.

Bomb explosion report. Someone blew up his television set.

Who blew up the television set?

Well, you get that you can ask him, can't you?

What's he doing now?

He's got his clock caught in his trousers.

And you come down out of there.

Come on. Take your hand off me. I'm a big name in the film industry. On

location, are you, sir? You don't understand it.

He's going to fall.

What are you doing up that tree?

I didn't want to disturb you.

Up you go.

Up.

I've got me rash.