Original subtitles

If I have to work with that man for one more second, I will not be responsible

for my actions. I will not be responsible.

I'll have it, Mrs. Perkins. I'll stick my boot right up his... 25 years I've

worked for your grotto.

5 years as a fairy.

6 years as a pixie.

And 14 years as Father Christmas.

I've worked my fingers to the bone for this store.

And I expect some consideration. I demand some consideration. I asked for a

trained, capable, competent pixie. And what do I get?

Incapable, incompetent, hand -fisted, brainless little butt.

Text here I've ever seen in my entire life.

And keep away from my sack.

I wouldn't dream of touching your sack.

I had no intentions of touching your sack.

Fair enough.

You just take one step.

Gentlemen, please.

Surely you can work together without all this acrimony.

Mrs. Perkins, there are some pixies you just can't work with. There are some

pixies no one can work with.

I didn't have to be a pixie, you know.

This isn't my normal occupation.

I know quite. I've got a lot of other strings to my bow.

Strings that people wouldn't even know about.

Mr. Spencer, you are the chief pixie. Mrs. Perkins, I am the only pixie.

And about as much help as a three -legged reindeer.

Mr. Spencer, you must understand that although you are the chief of the

Father Crispus is in charge of our fairy grotto.

He is your chief.

That's the trouble with that grotto.

There's too many chiefs and not enough pixies.

I'm doing all the pixying myself.

Well, it's very difficult to get the staff. There's plenty of staff in there.

There's two gnomes sitting doing absolutely nothing.

I know one's got his little fishing rod out.

Just sitting on the hump, that's all.

That's all he's supposed to do.

Gnomes don't do things.

Pixies do things.

Gnomes are just decoration.

They're just there to make a pretty sight.

But why can't I just sit there?

Because you are not a pretty sight.

Mr. Wheeler, this really isn't helping us to get on with our work.

Can I sit under the tree like the fairy?

You keep away from that little fairy. That fairy is a broken woman.

Little fairy, have you seen a 14 stone if she's a day?

She's already pulled one of her wings off. He's vicious, Mrs. Perkins. A

vicious, sadistic little pixie. I had to. She was sitting on my magic flute.

You had no business to let us sit on it.

A pixie's magic flute should be where a pixie's magic flute belongs.

Round a pixie's neck.

I had to cut it off.

It was stopping my circulation.

I'm a married man.

And this costume leaves a lot to be desired, I must say.

I can hardly cock a leg.

Don't you kung fu your leg a move.

It's a good job you were standing there, Mrs Perkins.

I was trained by a monk.

Mr. Spencer, I'm sorry about your costume, but you'll just have to manage

best you can.

I admit that it was originally designed for a female.

Oh, well, that explains a great deal.

That is an authentic pixie costume, handed down from pixie to pixie. Little

pixie to little pixie may be.

Little pixies with little legs and little developments.

Oh, shut your mouth!

When I was a little boy, Father Christmas was fat and jolly.

Always had a happy smile, a little quip and a merry gesture.

Oh, that's a nice merry gesture.

I was nearly physically attacked there. No -one is going to attack you if you'll

both just calm down or... Mr Spencer, this is my side of the desk.

And now, all this arguing is getting us nowhere.

I'm a perfectly competent pixie. Oh, no, you're not.

I asked him to take the children to the magic wishing well, and they all

finished up in the saloon bar of the Red Lion.

That's only because one of the little boys wanted to do a Tommy Tinkle.

And if the little devils don't like their presence,

he gives them their money back.

What? Well, they kept shouting at me and harassing me.

Well, you should have stood up to them.

The last cheap pixie I had could have cleared that grotto in five minutes

He was a proper pixie. I'm a proper pixie. And he can sing and dance and do

funny things. I can sing and dance and do funny things.

The sun has got his eyes.

You see what I mean?

Mr Wheeler, I think we should try and be a little more charitable.

Mr Spencer's doing his best.

If I can give him one more chance, surely you can. Oh, no, I... That is my

decision.

Right.

One more chance, Mrs Perkins said, and that's what you're going to get.

Because if you make one more mistake, you'll be down that labour exchange so

fast your little pixie boots won't touch the ground.

Now, come on!

I do, don't you? Because I gave you your instructions this morning. Yes, I did.

Unless you've forgotten them already. No, I haven't.

Right.

Now, pixie bugle, which you will blow.

Not now, when I tell you.

Right. Now, stand by your tree.

Open your tree.

What do you do?

I put my left hand in.

I put my right hand in.

My mother used to sing that.

Never mind your mother.

You do the hokey -cokey and you shake it all about.

I'll shake you all about in a minute. And what do you do next?

You put your left leg in.

With your lever.

I pull my lever with my left hand.

Until you are safely in position.

Right? Yes. Then I will press the button with my right hand.

Oh, there's a worm.

Mind your worm.

What do you do with your second button?

That will be thumb -pressed after I have pressed my first button and my second

lever. Simultaneously?

And both together.

Any case of emergency?

I will drop everything. You will not drop everything!

I'll rephrase that.

I will not drop everything.

I will release my second button after pressing my first button and pulling my

lever. Then I will take my handle.

Wow.

That should be simple enough even for you.

Oh, it's a little more complicated than my sandbag flying device, currently

being used by nativity angels of the Methodist denomination.

But it doesn't... It seems quite straightforward.

It better be straightforward, because I shall be watching you from up above.

And if anything falls on you, it won't be a Methodist angel.

Hello, children. Hello, children.

This is your chief pixie talking to you. I am your chief of the pixies.

Now, we're all here to see Father Christmas, aren't we? And Father

coming from Toyland with lots of nice things in his flying saucer.

And he's going to come down and give us all presents.

not person.

It was you. Give me that up here immediately.

Who do you think you are?

Spider legs.

Spider legs indeed.

Stop looking up there.

I'm the chief of the pixie.

I'm the friend of all the little boys and girls. Oh, no, you're not. You're a

puff.

I beg your pardon. Block your ears.

I'll remember your face.

You needn't bother cleaning your chimney this Christmas.

Get on with it.

Right. I will blow my bugle one more time.

No, you won't. You'll pull your lever now.

All right, well, stop shouting at me.

Here I go.

describe me?

Well, I'm trying to find myself another job, so I thought I'd try advertising.

You don't know the first thing about advertising.

I meant advertising myself in the paper shop window.

Do you need a man?

If so, contact F .W. Spencer.

Well, you can't put that in the shop window.

No, just write

I like that, I like that.

No, no cross -out qualified.

They might expect you to do something complicated.

What do you mean? What about my lamp?

I'll tell you.

I've got it. I am willing to offer my services.

No.

No.

No, one of them funny ones might read that.

Experience driver.

Distance, no object. Oh, be serious, Frank. I am experienced. My car's a

familiar sight in Dockyard Lane.

When you're driving it, it's the only car in Dockyard Lane.

No, cross out experience driver. Now, what have you got left?

I am a man.

Distance, no object.

Mr. Rogers hasn't worked for six months. Mr. Rogers is 86 years old.

Nobody likes to keep active, though, doesn't he? And he's got all his

I've got all my faculties.

Young ones, all real.

Oh, that's nice.

Yes, but somebody's already won that.

Mind you, I could get the lawnmower.

Oh, I need money, Betty. I've got to win some money.

Have you seen this telephone bill? It's astronomical.

You've been calling your father again, haven't you?

No. Well, your mother has, hasn't she?

Yeah, I can see it in your eye.

Look, do you want her to pay for the call, is that it? No, no, no.

It's just that we've got to economise.

The whole country's facing a big slump.

And we're slumping quicker than anybody else.

It's just as bad for me. I mean, I don't enjoy seeing you worried. I'm doing the

best I can to save money. No, no, I didn't mean that, Betty.

Please, Betty.

Don't make me run.

It gives me the cramps.

Look, I'll tell you what we'll do. After Christmas...

I'll take you up to Scotland and we'll have a nice holiday.

I'll show you where me mother bought her kilt.

I don't want a holiday, Frank. All I want is for you to cheer up.

I mean, things aren't that bad.

No. No, I know you've lost your job and we haven't got any money.

We can't afford to go anywhere.

Please,

Betty, don't cry.

I like seeing you cry.

No. It was a lovely thought of you to try and win me a lawnmower.

It's something I've always wanted.

But we haven't got any grass.

I'll grow some, Betty.

I'll grow some.

Now, don't cry. Oh, I can't help it. Listen, you know what we used to do when

you got upset when we were courting?

You remember what I used to do?

Yes, you do. I can see it in your eyes.

now Frank I used to go and turn the television off and then I'd creep

over to you and I'd sit down next to you put my arm round you and I'd blow in

your ear and then I'd say was that funny smell

Oh, it's no wonder she's losing weight.

No, look, Frank, you must go and keep yourself occupied while you're out of

work. I mean, couldn't you find yourself a little hobby?

I've got my do -it -yourself handyman kit. No, I mean something useful.

Useful? Did I hear correctly?

Who made the front door, may I ask?

And the bell?

Which is still going strong, if my ears don't deceive me.

And I'm in the middle of re -springing.

You can't buy those in the shop.

Beautiful indeed.

I'd like to know what this house would be like if it wasn't for my box of

Frank, the letter for you. Mrs Baker's just brought it round.

Why did she have it?

The postman gave it to her this afternoon.

That's the third time this week. Why doesn't he bring them here?

Because we haven't got a letter box.

I can't do everything at once. I'll get round to it.

Well, you should have thought of it when you made the front door.

I did.

Jessica did a dribble on the blueprint.

Look, I know you think I'm always criticising, but it's not as though I'm

for a lot.

I mean, I've never wanted a fur coat or a deep freeze or anything like that.

All I want is a letterbox.

Betty?

I got a letter, Betty.

Yes. From the BBC.

I'm excited, Betty.

Oh, don't get excited.

No, you know what happens when you get excited.

Now, pull yourself together, friend. Pull yourself together. Keep a clear

Now, tell me, what does it say?

You remember.

You remember when we had a television set.

before you tried to mend it.

And you remember that the BBC wanted entries for that do -it -yourself

man about the Home Award?

Yes. Well, Mr Skinner from the do -it -yourself shop sent my name in.

He what?

I'm his best customer.

Has he actually ever seen anything you've made?

No, no, but I've told him all about it all.

And now the BBC have written to me, Betty. I've been chosen.

I'm a candidate.

The television people want to come here.

Come here?

And see all my work.

I think I'll make a cup of tea.

Oh, Betty, I think this calls for something a little stronger than tea.

I think we could open a bottle of the 64.

The 64?

My mother's homemade wine.

Oh, Betty, I've never been chosen to do anything before.

Rhubarb or prunes?

Rhubarb.

It's a very bad year for prunes.

Well, it wasn't this colour last year.

No, but all the goodness has gone to the bottom. No, no, no, don't do that,

Frank. You know what happened last time. All right, well, put it back in there.

Let it simmer down a bit.

Now, I must get everything organised. I want everything to be ship -shaped when

they arrive. But what about my letterbox?

I shall make the letterbox and my respringing of the upholstery my first

priority.

Just think, if I'm successful, I could be in the Radio Times.

F .W. Spencer.

Exhibition of front doors, lampshades and resprung sofas.

When are they coming?

They said, that's up to me.

They'll come any time I'm not at work.

Any time, really, can't they?

Because I'm hardly ever...

I'm always here.

Except on Wednesdays when I got my driving lesson with Mr. Finney.

Won't take long. I mean, last time you were home again in 20 minutes.

It wasn't my fault.

I should have had my full quota.

Did the car break down again?

No. Mr. Finney did.

Why don't you fasten your seatbelt, Mr. Finney?

It restricts me if I have to take emergency action.

You mean like...

Jump out.

I mean like if I have to take over the wheel.

Yes, but you have jumped out before, haven't you?

On several occasions.

Yes. Yes, yes, I have.

I was a bit scared too.

Well, let's start, shall we?

Right. Now, Mr Spencer, one moment.

Now, before we go out onto the road, have you remembered what I told you? The

three essentials for safe driving?

Apart, of course, from closing the door properly.

I'm sorry. Now, three things you have to remember, Mr Spencer.

Three things, right.

Before you overtake, turn left or turn right.

Yes.

Oh, what are they?

How do you expect to pass your test if you can't even remember a simple

sequence? I can, I can, but you keep shouting at me.

Mirror! Mirror. Signal.

Signal. Maneuver.

Maneuver. Mirror. Signal. Maneuver. Mirror. Signal.

Maneuver. Well, think it. Do it.

Hope it. Rise it up on the wall beside your bed if you have to. I have. I have.

It's all over my ceiling.

All right. Let's calm down, shall we?

Yes. Let's not get excited.

No.

Now, you remember our little saying?

An angry motorist.

is a bad motorist.

An angry motorist is a bad motorist.

But... a happy motorist is a good motorist. Splendid!

Splendid! Right, well, now, let's start nicely and... Right.

An angry motorist... Right.

One. Switch on.

Two, select gear.

Three, depress clutch.

Four, indicator to right.

Five, mirror.

Six, move on.

Four, indicator to the right.

Five, check mirror.

Six.

Move the handbrake.

Seven.

Move away.

Keep your eye on the road.

Mr. Finney, have you ever been on television?

No.

I'm hoping to be.

On the BBC.

If you keep on driving, I guess we'll both be on the BBC.

On the nine o 'clock news.

You said I was driving much better.

Much better. Could you possibly go just a little faster?

I don't want to get too close to the car in front.

Now, Mr Spencer, I can't even see the car in front.

That's because it just went round the corner.

I mustn't take any chances. Mr Spencer, that car is at least 300 yards ahead and

we passed through the built -up area 20 minutes ago.

I think it's reasonably safe for you to exceed 15 miles an hour.

I'm going much faster than that. Look.

Now, keep your eyes on the road and your hands on the wheel.

I'm ready for anything. Yes, I'm alert.

And I'm ready for anything, Mr. Finney.

And I'm happy, too.

We haven't really practiced any of the overtaking yet, have we? That's because

you've never driven fast enough to catch up with anybody.

Now, look.

There's a woman on a bicycle ahead. You can overtake her.

Can you give a sequence? Mirror, signal?

Maneuver. Mirror, signal, maneuver.

Right. Off you go, then.

Ah, the devil's increasing his speed.

You can overtake a woman on a bicycle.

Put your foot down.

And look behind before you pull out.

Don't shout at me. Well, keep that mind on the job.

And hit me.

Oh, now you're slowing down again.

I'm not. I'm not.

Don't hug.

Audacity.

Now, keep at this speed.

I feel like Andy Stewart.

Who?

The racing driver.

Andy Stewart wears a kilt.

Not when he's driving.

Ah, now then.

I want you to take the next turning on the left.

Right. Left!

That's what I meant.

Left, right?

Oh...

Just take the next turning that you come to on the left. Now, I'm going to ask

some questions on the highway code.

Oh, I think we're coming to my weak spot.

Oh, this is a nice wide road, isn't it?

I'm sorry.

Well, don't you touch anything until I get in there.

What are you doing? Get back in that car.

Aren't you getting in? Well, of course I'm getting in.

Well, I'll get in there with you then.

They look lovely.

Thank you, Frank, and so do you.

Here, Betty.

Do you think I should grow a moustache?

Well, you haven't got time to grow one now, Frank. They'll be here in five

minutes. I didn't mean now, Betty.

I meant for future use.

It might improve my image.

Just think, after today, we're going to be known by millions of people. We're

going to be seen all over the country.

I think my father used to have a moustache.

Because he was always very spiky when he picked me up.

I'm so nervous, Frank. There's no need to be. There's no need. Well, you're

worried. You're perspiring.

No, no. That's my aftershave.

No, perhaps not, eh?

It might be a ginger one.

It's thanks.

Don't panic.

Come in here.

I'm sorry I'm a bit late. There was a bit of confusion. I was told by a

neighbour that it was a house with a green gate.

Oh, well, yes, it used to be green. Oh, yeah, but I've been doing a bit of

painting. Oh, do you really? Well, I must say, it all looks very good.

I'll take your coat for you, Mr Jacobs.

Is it all right if I get everybody to come in now? Oh, yes, please. All in

Come on, that's Neville. How are you doing, Neville?

And that's Linda who does the makeup.

Well,

Mrs. Spencer, as you know, you've been chosen for our Man About the Home Award.

What we're going to do is we're going to do some filming.

We've got the crew along, and what they do is...

What we really want to do is to see some of the work that you've done. Over

there, will you, President?

You've got a funny walker there.

He's actually got quite a lot of heavy equipment.

Mr. Spencer, what we'd really like to do is perhaps see some film of the work

that you've done.

Yes. And a tour of the house. Oh, yes, I have often.

No,

well, you'll want to do it as well, certainly. Mr. Spencer, are you...

all right? You look a little... No, no, I've just got very damp skin.

It's spreading.

I see.

Have we got any turt?

Turt? Oh, furt.

She's had a bit of trouble. Oh, I... So, so. Who has? Jessica.

Much better now.

All over the kitchen, under the sink.

Mrs. Spencer, would you mind, because we want to get this picked up, would you

come and sit with me over here? Sit down there.

Mr. Spencer might actually need something.

Thank you, Neville.

No, no, no, no, no. You just kissed him. You wiped my aftershave off.

Don't worry, Mr. Spencer. Just relax. What are you doing to me?

Just giving you a microphone. Don't put your face close to me.

All right. I'll touch my wife's personal, didn't you?

Mr. Spencer, don't worry about it. Relax.

Relax and ignore the camera. And if it's all right with you, we'll start with

Mr. Spencer first.

Hello? Oh!

I'm sorry.

Right. All right, Desmond?

Frank Spencer, man about the home, take one.

You nearly had my nose off then.

Desmond. He's a bit fast with his clapper, isn't he?

If Spencer knows.

Shall we try again, Desmond? Lovely. Thank you. Frank Spencer, man about the

home, take two.

Mrs. Spencer.

Desmond. He's very patient, Desmond, isn't he?

He has to be at times, isn't he?

All right, let's try it again.

Frank Spencer, Man About the Home, take three.

Mrs. Spencer, were you very surprised when you found that your husband had

chosen for the Man About the Home Award?

Well, I was a little surprised, yes.

Mind you, he's always doing...

great blessing to have a handyman for a husband. Oh, yes, I'm always grateful.

I never know what he's going to do next.

In fact, it usually comes.

All right,

cut, Desmond.

What are you doing? I'm not having any more of that. You was humming my

there.

I was trying to do was to keep the three of us together. I am trying to conduct

an interview.

On second thought, Desmond, I think we'll scrub the interview and we'll let

work speak for itself.

I tell you what we'll do, Mr. Spencer, we'll do some film of your work. You go

out to that door and come, if you will, through the hallway where your wife will

be waiting for you.

Frank may do that as well.

Well, that's absolutely splendid.

So, you'll come into here. Yes, and through the doorway, down the hall.

right. And you ignore the camera, and you ignore me.

Just be yourself. And I'll be out in a minute to run you through it, all right?

So, I stay in here, then, do I? If you would, Mrs. French, but you would sit

over there, would you? Yes. Sit down there, all right? What I want you to do,

you will, is to wait there to greet your husband when he comes home from work.

Just imagine it's an ordinary, normal day in your family life.

Right. Now, Mr Spencer.

Mr Spencer.

Mr Spencer.

Mr Spencer.

There's someone at the door.

Hello, Betty. I'm home.

It's me, Betty. Here I am. I walked all the way down the pathway.

And then I got over there. Mr Spencer.

You told me to ignore you.

Not when I am speaking to you. And we're not ready yet. And when I told you to

go outside the door, I didn't actually mean outside the house.

Well, you didn't say that. I was just trying to get into the part.

And I thought it would give the viewers a chance to hear my bell.

Well, I think the viewers have had their chance to hear your bell.

And now they'd like to stop hearing your bell.

Desmond?

Ignore the hallway.

Do you want to see my R .F. Pricey? No.

He's not getting on all right.

He's very quick at picking things up.

Oh, he's had to pick up quite a few things already.

Right, let's do it. Frank Spencer, man about the home, take four.

Spencer, we are ready for you.

Mr. Jacobs, are you ready for me?

words and she spoke first. You don't have any words, Mr Spencer. This is

film. All I'd like to see is perhaps your mouth working. Now, will you please

outside and do it again?

I'm sorry, Desmond.

He hasn't been on television before. It's all quite new to him. Mrs Spencer,

I want him to do is to come through that door and just say...

I want to get this thing done. Let's do it. Strike, Spencer. Mind about the home

take. Fine.

Keep running, Mr. Spencer.

Keep running.

Keep running.

Keep running.

Oh, snap your foot.

Oh, cat.

Mr. Spencer.

Can't you do something about that door? I just need a little adjustment.

Is there anything at all in this house that doesn't either stop, rattle, or

He's not like this on any questions, is he?

Don't forget his sofa.

Oh, I will never forget his sofa. What about my bookshelves?

Oh, at last!

Something I can actually use.

Now, what I'll do is have that book out.

Mr Spencer, it wasn't even straight.

Wouldn't you have measured it?

The cat sucked the numbers off my ruler.

I will not be... Now, that's the spirit.

I will not be deficient. Now, we'll think of something.

Yes, we will. I've got it. Linda, you take the lamp. Linda, you take the lamp.

Neville, far end of the bookshelf. Far end of the bookshelf, Neville. And you

hold that side up, Neville. Hold it up there.

Yasmin, you shoot half the bookshelf, but don't show him. No, no, no. And,

Spencer, you sit over there. You sit there, Betty.

Julian, down by the door.

Julian, down by the door. And, Mr. Spencer, be quiet.

Now, down on the floor.

No, not everybody down on the floor.

Julian, down on the floor and open the door. All right? Now, right. Mr.

I'll try.

And this time, we will do it as much as I don't care if he comes through that

door on all fours. You just keep shooting. All right? Craig Spencer, man

the home, take six.

Mr. Spencer?

Mr. Spencer? He's coming.

Who's coming?

Oh.

How's Mrs.

Hayes? What?

I was just inquiring about your good lady wife.

I hope she's in the best of health.

I expect she'll be glad to see you safely home again.

I shall be glad to see me safely home again.

Is this your car?

Excuse me, Mr. Hayes.

Haven't we forgotten something?

You did remember to bring your car.

No. What?

Now, that's not what I meant.

Do you have, perchance, any little defect or some little thing that's been

giving you a bit of trouble?

Of course I don't.

Now, that's what you're meant to ask me.

I know what I'm supposed to ask you.

Do you have any physical disabilities?

No.

Just the same I was the last time I drove you.

I thought the end result would be a little different.

Now, can you read the number plate on that car?

Do you mean the little red one or the big rusty one?

The little red one.

The big rusty one's mine.

J -D -L

-4 -7 -8 -J

for Jessica.

So far, so good.

Excuse me.

May I ask, is this your last run?

I sincerely hope not.

I meant, am I the last one today?

Yes, yes, and we don't have a great deal of time, so can we get on?

Well, let's hope it's tenth time lucky.

Now, I'd like you to go a little faster, please.

I thought you told me to slow down.

I'll tell you when to slow down.

Not too much, I said a little faster.

Do you always sweat when you're nervous?

No, I want you to take the next turning we come to, please.

Right, right. Mirror, signal, manoeuvre.

Well, does the lorry come up behind you?

Well, I'll increase my speed.

There's no need for that.

Just be indescribable. Make your intentions clear.

Your instructor told you that, didn't he? Yes, he did.

He also told me that an angry motorist is a bad motorist, but a happy motorist

is a good motorist. Did he indeed?

Yes. Mr. Spencer, you're still going too fast.

You're still going much too fast, Mr. Spencer. Mr. Spencer, will you slow

Use your gears. Change down.

One minute.

Signal. Yes, gears.

Gears. Hands on the wheel!

Keep going, keep going.

You were shouting.

Oh, my God, look out!

Of course, this seems

a bit early.

Must be a new driver.

Mr Hayes? Mr Hayes, are you all right?

Mr. Hayes?

What is it, Mr. Hayes?

Speak to me, Mr.

Hayes!

Stop!

You only had to say.

Can I get my handkerchief out now?

Would you like your handkerchief?

I was quite worried there for a minute.

We'll stay here for a while and then you'll feel a bit better. I want to get

out.

Do you think you should?

I must get out.

I think I'm going to be sick.

in the highway code.

What?

Tall, short road.

I think that fresh air did you a bit of good, Mr Hayes.

You're looking a lot better now.

Not quite so green.

Where are you going? I didn't say turn left.

You said you wanted to get back to the driving centre as soon as possible. I'm

taking a shortcut.

Come on, don't... Turn down here, this just goes to the sea.

No, it's all right, because I can go round the corner.

My mother used to take me to the seaside, because my Uncle Adrian used to

Punch and Judy show, and she used to help him. She played Punch and he played

Judy.

They used to let me do the voices sometimes.

Hello, Mr Punch, I'm the crocodile.

Snap, snap, snap.

Will you pay attention?

You don't have to shout.

Just tell me what to do.