Original subtitles

Jim, I just popped in to say how much I appreciate the energy and enthusiasm and

dedication you're bringing to the new task.

And indeed the seriousness with which you're treating it.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

The good God.

Well, no, that's your perception of it, which, with the greatest respect, is

wrong. Oh, you see, because we are at the cutting edge here. And we're

undercover. And we're doing what we do best. We're saving people's lives.

Now,

remember, children, nonce. Night owls never cross erratically.

Now, what you must do... The good guys have been put on special assignment.

The chippy chipmunk rode safety course.

Now,

some people are silly.

And they cross in the wrong place.

And, oh, I think I see a silly person coming. Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Can anybody tell

me what he is now?

Yes.

Yes, he is, but he's a squash tomato, isn't he?

That's right, he's a squash tomato.

He's actually pureed tomato now.

Tomato ketchup is what he is.

Okay, stop giggling, Mark, please.

And I only hope if these kids see me dressed as Safety Squirrel that they're

going to get some sort of... No, you're Chipmunk.

No, I'm a squirrel. You're Chipmunk. That's why I call you Chippy.

However, change is in the air as D .I. Beach receives an unexpected summons.

Yes,

we did contact Detective Inspector Beach because this particular visit does fall

under the jurisdiction of his force.

And the family are very keen to visit this specific public house so that they

can meet.

Ordinary people, you know, spend a short time amongst ordinary folk.

And it's entirely fitting that ordinary policemen should oversee the operation.

All very ordinary.

We're unhappy about this perception that the family is perhaps losing touch with

ordinary life.

So what we want is everything to be absolutely normal.

A reality pill, if you like.

However... DI Beach has other ideas. Get all those leaves up and put them back

on a tree.

All right?

Strings, has that carpet been washed?

It's covered in stains. You can see it from up here.

Bones? Is that gloss?

Forget gloss. I want green gloss for green grass, all right?

I don't care. I want it nice and shiny.

Go on, look at his fit.

What do you think you're doing?

Sorry, sir? What do you think you look like?

On your head?

Oh, um, oh.

Yes, I've just wiped it out. It's for the guests. It makes me look more regal.

It's ridiculous.

Anyway, if anybody's going to wear a golden helmet, it's going to be me.

I'd love to tell you the identity of this family, but obviously I can't for

security reasons. I'm sure you understand that. But we're going to

the Jubilee family.

The only thing I can tell you at this stage is that we do have a bit of a

dilemma as to whether we're going to drive them or fly them by RAF helicopter

from Windsor.

One, two, three, eight.

We do insist that a toilet is

available to the family at all times. Now this is going to require rather more

planning than you may imagine because the important point is that the facility

needs to be no further than 15 feet.

Away from the family at any one time. 15 feet.

Well, I hope their aim is as good as it is when they're shooting their chickens,

if you like.

It's also important that this facility is in tip -top condition.

Right, come here.

Come here, please.

Oh, all right, down there.

Look at that.

Healthy. If that was cleaned with any degree of frequency, you wouldn't have

this problem, would you?

Now, somebody's got to take a chisel to that.

When about 16, 17?

They have this operation.

They do wee -wee, but the operation stops them from doing poo -poo.

Well, they never, ever go for a shit. No, they do wee -wee.

Colostomy bag, it's called, isn't it?

I don't know.

No, it ain't a colostomy, is it? I don't know what it is, but they just don't

go. That's why, that's why. When you ever meet the mother, you're supposed to

never pat her handbag.

I don't know what all the fuss is about, mate. I mean, we've all had a

discussion. And it's common knowledge, isn't it? Everyone knows that the

Jubilees do not go to the toilet.

Beach has ordered Mark and Bones to clear the area of all offensive

They've asked us to look after the dietary and the sanitary needs of the

corgis.

Now that is smashing, isn't it? Meanwhile, meticulous preparations

Sir, the idea is, we have these on observation when we're stuck in a

And what we're going to do is we're going to take these out, put one in

room, so that at any time Jubilee is only 15 feet away from a toilet.

Yeah, well, I've said it. I mean, it's not a big deal, is it? They're not going

to use it. It's not going out live. I don't believe chihuahuas.

Mark, can you come in here and look at this?

We've at least had to zhuzh it up a little bit.

These are the ones from your book, aren't they, sir? They are.

They really set it off. And these cherries, they look like the ones in

bedroom, sir. They are the ones in my bedroom.

Really? Yes, and let's have a look inside.

Yeah, but it's totally loaded.

All fluffy bits in there.

That's it. Just in case of accident. I'm just kidding. Can you bring the camera

in, Mark?

That's it.

At the back here, we put a piece of velvet, red velvet.

because, well, the crown could scratch.

You could so easily lose a stone.

Well, that one looks like a small doggy, doesn't it?

We found quite a lot, actually. We've got about two pound here.

Don't be shouting at me. I'm not shouting.

We can only afford one port -a -loo.

Don't say that term with me. We can only afford one port -a -loo. How can we

keep 15 feet away from her and him and him at one time? It has to be 15 feet,

Ray. It's in the book.

I don't know.

We're working out.

Improvised.

Right, now, you have to imagine, sir, that I'm one of them, OK? Ready?

Watch. Hop.

That's perfect. Fifteen feet at all times.

Back a bit, Bill.

You should really stay back, cos I don't need to all splosh about in here, you

know what I mean? It's funny, isn't it, now, that you... I've never seen... You

don't see any white dog shit any more, do you? I ain't seen... It's like... Not

since the 70s.

Anything? I'm definitely getting something, definitely.

I'm not. I think it's working.

Another officer dispatched to the front.

Hello, sir.

Oh, stop it! Oh, no, I've got that. I've got that. I can taste it down the back

of my throat, too.

Oh, God, I have to blame you!

Obviously, they've asked me to look after the music for the Jubilees visit.

And between you and me, it's a bit embarrassing.

Have a look at that.

Because I'm a bit of an anarchist, you see.

But, well, the job's got to be done, so we'll crack on with it. I'm going to

give them a real strings welcome.

It's going to be rock and roll.

God save the... I shouldn't have said that. In you go, Ed.

Sort those vents out, Ray.

As thick as you can.

Oh, the smell.

Oh, the smell. You've got to do something about the soundproofing.

Just get rid of it. We've got to get it out. We've got to dispose of it in an

orderly fashion. Look, let's bung it in here.

See, if this gets in a kid's eye, it's got a worm in it and makes them go

It's absolutely... I don't know. I wonder

what he had last night.

The Jubilees are going to be here in an hour. And look, the place looks like a

rubbish tip.

Come on, get all the rubbish together.

Sarge, just plonk it down here in the middle of the floor. As we put the ship.

Just put it down there. We get all the bags together and then we're going to

skip them. What, mix it up with all the other rubbish? Put it down there, Bones.

Oh, no, no, no.

What's all this?

It's less than an hour before the Jubilees arrive and there's bags and

bloody bags of rubbish everywhere.

All right, so I'm going to skip it. You were going to do it, weren't you? You

were going to do it. I never asked you to do it now, did you? Let me get it

now. Do it.

All right, I promise.

The smell of pine disinfectant still lingering in the air. The Jubilees

arrive for their low -key visit.

Can you, Mark, have you seen both?

Your Highness, will you come?

Have you got us both in shot now?

But it is actually bomb -proof and it's bulletproof, but rather lovely to look

at at the same time, I think.

Well, that's all very well. Of course, don't you think it'd be so much more

attractive if they were leaded?

As in?

No, no, they're designed to keep lead out.

So then the governor kicked the bag and it was covered in shit. That was ten

minutes before you arrived.

So he stinks.

We've got the worst of it, but he's told me to spray him every time the... Oh,

for heaven's sake. I mean, we are always covered in the stuff. And the public

see the arms pair because all the time we didn't bother to wash it off.

Now, have you got your own teeth?

Of course.

Right, because I'm going to get you some biscuits, OK?

Thank you.

You're not like the other old people I look after, you know. You don't smell of

pee.

Right, now, do you want chocolate ball buns or custard creams?

Yeah, chaps, come over here. Look, look.

I was supposed to look after the corkies, but they've put me in charge of

cars. Look, it's got everything. It's GPS.

It's got a bomb -proof floor, lead -filled doors, bulletproof windows.

Now I can practice my anti -terrorist driving techniques. Look at this, mate.

I understand you both served in the Royal Marines.

Yes, sir.

79 -384, sir.

The Thard and Bill take Jubilee 2 down memory lane.

They took hold of him and made him put the white vest on.

And the little white knickers, sir. And the white socks, sir.

The little ones.

The little ones, yeah.

And then they covered him in glitter, sir.

Well, that's tremendous.

I'm very pleased to know that.

Thank you, sir.

Meanwhile, Jubilee One is enduring DS Ash's every attention.

No, it does not.

the modern -day questioning room where you see the familiar twin -deck tape

recorder.

I'm rather interested in questioning rooms myself.

You are? Well, I've actually done some drawing.

Would you like to see them? They're rather pretty little watercolour. Oh,

indeed. We would have them.

What fun.

I was enormously pleased with the water and the trees in the background. And the

lovely liberal use of colour.

Hey, hang on a minute. That's a ducking stanch.

Strange, please.

No, I'm sorry, sir, but that's the fascist representation of a torture

Shut up.

I particularly like the restraints on the ground floor.

What I thought I'd do is obviously let the corgis run about.

It's going to tire them out. So when the Jubilees have finished their visit,

they're going to go back to their house.

The corgis are going to be tired.

And obviously then, you know, they're going to sort of, they're going to be

to go to bed.

I didn't see him. Well, you've done another one. You've done both of them.

I'll just go to the club. Oh, Jesus. That's all I heard.

What are we going to do?

Well, Arthur, you're supposed to be looking after the dogs.

Yeah, but you weren't supposed to drive the car around the car park, were you?

You're not supposed to let them in the car. You're supposed to stay in the

car. Look.

Well, I'm to the lead.

Oh, no.

I like this one.

Mm -hmm.

Yeah, that's a tremendous idea.

It's a nice one, isn't it, sir? Nice colour, sir.

Looks like an Indian made that one.

More like a cowboy, I'd say.

Now, look, I'm going to have to stop you there.

Why? Because you can't go further than 15 feet from the toilet.

Good heavens, why?

Well, it says so in your book, doesn't it? Now, come on, sit down.

Well, of course, Gordon and me had a rather good game called Hide the

Caramel. And you had to decrease it on your purpose.

Well, of course, everybody knew exactly where... Well,

I had rather good wheeze. I've hid it behind my ear.

Meanwhile, the bonding between Jubilee 2 and the ART continues.

Oh, yes.

Takes me back.

I've got a long day ahead of us, so I want you to go to the loo, OK?

But I don't need to go. Yes, you do. You do. It's them rusks. They go straight

through you. You do.

Jubilee 1's patient.

is finally beginning to wear thin.

That's it.

There's a little brush there if you go number twos, all right? And I'll be

outside, but I won't listen.

You have to be firm with the elderly.

I saw Mummy and Daddy on the ship.

Ran up the gangplank.

And she wouldn't even kiss me.

Not even just a little kiss on the cheek.

She just...

Shook my hand.

Just hearing that makes me so cross.

Extraordinary. Has your mother ever kissed you?

No.

No, she never kissed me, but she did other things.

Of course, I mean, nobody's understood me. My nannies, my parents, God, even my

polo ponies.

I understand.

What on earth does that smell? It smells of poo.

I've been given the great honour of looking after Jubilee One because I'm

good with old people, you see.

Oh, she seems to be stirring now.

Oh, yeah.

It's the rusks, you see.

Now, this is a lovely bit of kit, sir.

It's a flashbang grenade.

We throw them into the room when the terrorists are there, and a huge

disorientates them.

Beautiful. And it's British -made.

Hmm. Certainly doesn't look as if it's made by an Indian.

No. Oh, shit!

It's Lloyd! It's Lloyd!

It's Lloyd! It's Lloyd!

What's going on?

What's going on? What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Very successful day so far. I think you're...

Whilst Jubilee One receives on -the -spot medical attention, Beach travels

to ensure the rest of the day goes without a hitch.

There are people here that have no organisation to be here.

Silence,

please! Let's have you all up on your feet now!

On your feet! Come on! Chop, chop!

Move it. Move it, move it.

Mind just lining up against the bar, please.

Get them all out of here! Everybody!

Follow the police officer.

Thank you.

Just get into the bank of the police.

Thanks very much.

I really think you should just calm down, OK?

You should just calm down.

Come and have a cup of tea and a tablet. You don't want a tea and I don't want a

tablet. I want the real, authentic EastEnders in here now, please. Thank

We'll go and fetch them. Right.

We've been given our orders by the Governor.

We've been told to acquire the target.

And we've been told to shoot to kill.

There he is, Bill.

50 yards approaching.

40.

30. I have, I have. Go, go, go!

Sir, I've got those East End people, like you said.

Having cleared the pub of all its regulars, speech introduces a more

East End crowd.

Right, lads, we're cheeky chirpy cockneys today.

And the birds tap into my garden.

Real people.

You see, the problem with all this was... Are you getting me there, Mark?

..was finding the real East End people.

The people that actually won the war for this country, the backbone, the bulldog

breed, the real cockneys, those born within the sound of bow bells. I mean,

long were we looking before we found these? I was looking for three days. I

couldn't find them, could I? You mentioned the Pearly Kings and Queens

Association.

Bingo, there we are.

But the pièce de résistance, if you come round this way, is a real East End

barmaid.

This is not.

Mine's a pint of bitter, please, Sharon.

Well, it's not on, really. I was just sitting there. Police come through me

door, telling me to get up and go to a real East End pub.

I mean, for the... I like the family and that.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I mean... Cos it happens.

My mum would probably be well pleased.

Fantastic point.

It helps you to work in a pub, can't you?

Smash it.

Put a head on that.

Do you know I didn't even work in the Vic?

I beg your pardon? I didn't even work in the f***ing Vic.

They pressed me out of my ass. They think I've got nothing to do since I

that programme.

Do they?

Do they think that I don't get no work?

I don't know about that.

Yeah, sometimes it is a bloody thankless task and we have to take life.

Doesn't really matter though, does it?

Well, it don't matter to you.

No.

I mean, he does it well, doesn't he? He's like a heartbreaker, a lifetaker.

Well, the governor's asked me to sort of be the official food taster.

I have to take a little bite out of everything just to prove

that it's not poison.

Well, no, no, it was very prudent of Sir. He spotted the fact that the drinks

weren't tested for poison and he took it upon himself.

To do that.

It's just unfortunate there was rather a lot of them.

Blue one's fine.

That's good.

Sir, do you mind if I just air in a worry?

We don't have any worries, Ray.

Shouldn't you let the other men drink them, sir? Then we can spread the load a

little, couldn't we?

Men can't drink on duty, Ray. Now, where's the gin?

That one is.

Having consumed 25 units of alcohol in the line of duty, Beach is now

the spontaneous knees up for the Jubilee's arrival.

Have you got it all out? No.

It's a funny colour, isn't it?

Oh, I've got it. No, come on.

I must have picked up a germ off a dirty glass. I know, I know.

Come on, let's go out. It's my glove.

No, no, the glove's gone.

No, no, you haven't lost it. It's gone down to your eye.

Let's leave it there. It's dirty.

Don't leave it.

I'm not going to leave it. Excuse me, boys.

Come on.

Having regained her composure and her hearing, Jubilee One dutifully continued

her tour.

You might be a servant.

So you

got it then? Yeah, got it then. Well, the governor would be pleased about

Yeah, but we've been talking, Ray, and we think we're right on the edge of the

law on this one. Don't worry about it. We are the law. Now, pop it in the

microwave, quick.

How long? Give it a half hour on full blast, Bill, all right?

Meanwhile, Bones is leading the entertainment extravaganza.

Good evening.

It's my turn now to do a little joke that I heard the other day.

This fella, he's up in court.

for buggering a corgi.

Anyway, he comes up in front of the judge, and the judge says, buggering a

corgi? He says, that's disgusting, my man.

How low can you get?

The first is Chihuahua.

Where are my dogs?

I just feel certain I've met you before.

Perhaps it's just you remind me a little of...

Who's going to say Fergie?

Fergie, who's she?

I have to inform you that this has been the most disgraceful display I have ever

experienced in all my years representing this family.

Beach is beginning to see his chances of a knighthood receding.

Detective Inspector Beach is something... What have you done?

Quiet, please. The pièce de résistance coming in right now.

Ba -ba -da -da -ba -da -da, real pub grubs for a real pub lady. Ba -ba -da

-ba -da -da, stuffed with a turkey, swan in a basket.

Disgusting. Oh, come on. So, sort your missus out, will you? It's beautiful.

Get off me! It's disgusting!

Without Beach at the helm, things are rapidly beginning to spiral out of

control.

You, call yourself a man, you wouldn't even kiss your son.

What kind of father do you think you are? You've got a heart of stone. You're

cold man, you are.

That's all right, you'll kiss my... That's all right, I'll give you a damn.

good. You understand me?

No,

no, in retrospect, I think it went very, very well.

You know, I'm taking into account the governor's behaviour. That was due to

drinking in the line of duty and taking tranquilisers.

Well, they just don't mix, do they?

You know I had a slice of toast for breakfast this morning. I couldn't

eat anything now. Right, I'm sure you've had enough, and we're going to go.

We're going. We're not going anywhere. Yes, you are. You're coming with me.

I've only just started.

No, you just started. You're coming with me.

Look, come on. Don't you touch my hand on me. I'm not touching you now. Don't

get aggressive with me. You always make me leave when I'm having a good time.

You always do this every time we go out. No, we don't. Come on, let's go. Get to

the bar and get these people a drink. You're going to have a drink with me.

cannot hold your drink. Come on. Get her a snowboard. It's not normal.

Come on. Come with me.

I wasn't too bad, was I, Ray? No. No, no, you were fine.

Well, up until we scuffled, I suppose.

Scuffled.

Oh, God, no.

Yeah, well, it's 52 shots. 52 shots of alcohol.

No -one can take that.

And a cap at all, at the end of the evening, I caught him drinking half a

of champagne.

I think he mugged himself off.

Oh, my God, I'm never going to get a night's sleep now.

How are you going to get to see me?

No more.

Oh, my God.

The Jubilees finally beat a hasty retreat.

Well, to be honest, he really let us down. I mean, you can't act like that in

front of the family.

No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, security. You can't say who it is, Bones. You can't,

OK? What do you mean? Everyone knows us.

I mean, look, they were filming.

He's lucky he never ended up in the bleeding tower.

Oh, the bit with the... Yeah, you offered her a hot dog, sir.

What? Yeah, the only thing, it wasn't a hot dog, if you know what I mean.

It wasn't supposed.

He put tomato sauce all over it and started waving it about everywhere.

Splashed all over her coat, ruined it.

I told her to put her chicken in and we'd get it done and dry clean it for

I'm gonna get you.