Original subtitles

Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go!

The good God.

What are you doing?

It's a game, sir. It's quite educational.

Backwards. Well, I don't want you playing bloody backwards. Come on, clear

away. We've got work to do.

Manpower. Come on, old man.

Right.

Identity parade.

Have you memorised the victims?

Great.

Go to the top.

Tiddles. Timothy.

Edipus. Nice.

Unusual name there. Can we have that up? This gives you a perspective on their

respective heights.

Actually, this is the one we're most concerned about at the moment because

is the youngest and the most vulnerable consequential.

This is in inches by the way, sir. Thank you for stating the obvious, Ray. I've

got a ten -foot cat.

I've had a few leads on the catnapping, actually, sir, which I'm following up,

but I think Sergeant Desire had a brilliant idea.

What we want to do is...

Me and Bill, we're going to take plaster cards of each of the paw prints of the

victims, and then we can use them as an identification later, whatever happens

in the case. Because no two paw prints are the same.

No, no four paw prints.

No two.

Hang on there. Four fingers on each paw.

Four paw.

prints on each cat. But no two paw prints are the same.

Because if you get twins, they have the same paw prints.

So you could have four.

Two at the front, two at the back.

When a feline walks, who'd two?

Because when a feline walks, it puts the back print into the front foot.

That's very accurate. And if you were one of my officers, you would know.

That we believe that not only is there no job too big, but there's also no job

too small.

And catnapping is a heinous, serious crime.

And we're going to stamp it out.

Ray, we're supposed to be a crack elite unit.

Why are we doing something as trivial as catnapping? We're not, we're not. Look,

we've got a new job.

The good guys have been given an important assignment.

Well, yes, it is the commissioners house, but that doesn't mean we're going

charge him in there like bully boys with strong -arm tactics now Squatting is

illegal. Let's remember that at all times and it's not right no matter who

are So we're going to go in now and see what we can sort out in a diplomatic

kind of way Right here. We are this is something we've done a hundred times

before we're doing a nice orderly fashion. Let's see if anybody's at home

It seems to be going quite well at the moment. Nice and orderly. Stay still!

Stay still!

Stay still!

This is rather nice, isn't it?

The surrounding is lovely.

Sarge! What? Sarge, come here. Look at this. Look at this. It's disgusting.

I can't see anything.

No, no, not that there. Look.

Oh, my God. Oh, quick. Out.

Out. Get out. Oh!

Look, can we just watch where we're treading, please?

How can you let dogs just roam around your house with poo everywhere?

Disgusting. I'll stay and feed it on them.

That's disgusting.

Look, they're still up the back of my legs.

Oh, no.

One of them's shat in my helmet.

I'll take it off to go to the toilet. We'll sit here and put it back on.

You can't put it back on. You tip that out and put that back on again.

Sometimes the dogs really are supposed to walk them in the park, aren't they?

Really? I've been walking this one in the park, walking it round the house and

it's cacking everywhere.

Bill, just rub that bit off there. Oh, yeah?

I think it should really get people out, yeah.

Look how stenchy it's overwhelming.

It's not.

It is. It's all over your arse. Wipe it off.

I ain't going to wipe it off. It's the gasping bones. It's all over your arse.

You're going to have to... No, wash it properly. I think you're going to have

wash it properly, mate.

Oh, no, I've stepped on it now.

It's everywhere. I found him, so he was hiding in the cupboard.

Calls himself the leader.

So you're responsible for all this malarkey, are you? Hey, hey, hey, hey,

big fella.

Shh.

What is your name?

Jim.

Jim, that's a beautiful name. Thank you.

You know, Jim, you've got a lot of poison, a lot of negative energy picking

there. You need to burn.

How to release.

Let me show you something, Joe.

Joe, Joe, come to me, Joe.

Joe.

I want you to release me.

And it's human.

That's disgusting.

That is disgusting.

Well,

I'm hurt. I'm confused. I'm astounded at the strong -arm tactics of our police

force. You have to understand, we are not a cult. I have no hold

over my children.

I mean, it's not as if I have her magical power.

Don't cut any ice with me, Jim.

What?

I want you to raise your right arm for me.

And you may say that possession is nine -tenths of the law, but I represent the

other tenth. You're looking at the other tenth here, and this time it's

personal. The commissioner wants you down.

No, don't swing on it, Ray. You won't go there, will you? Please, you don't have

to film everything.

That does a bit of stiffness. Look at the weather.

These people, strong -arm tactics aren't going to work with them.

What's needed is a bit of psychology.

I'm going to go back in there and I'll give that leader a bloody good talking

to.

Oh, my leader, you're my leader.

Oh, yes, my leader.

Any movement to the bow?

A little bit of thing. An illusion.

Mind you, traditionally I'm quite constipated.

Well, it transpires that these are good, peaceful kind of folk and I'm not going

to disturb them.

Beach has been persuaded by the leader's good intentions.

Until they get relocated.

Sorry, Mark.

OK, good guys, let's go and let's get rid of all that negative energy.

It isn't doing any of us any good.

Cat -napping duties continue.

I mean, if there ain't no cats, there ain't going to be no catnappers, is

What are we doing up here?

Oh, I've got one of them burning, shooting, twinging pains again.

Oh, my God.

So, is it enough?

I don't know.

Sort of inside or sort of outside.

I'm not quite sure.

It is absurd.

There was no need for slapping me around the face. I'm only telling you what

happened. You give them advice on how to grow weight.

back in the window. Don't be ridiculous.

You did. I did not. You did. And you give him a license. You give the leader

license to defecate, defoliate, and fornicate. I told you.

Bloody leader. It's him, isn't it? All this is coming from him. You said it. If

he's putting this around about me, I want to speak to this leader character.

I'll put him on. Get him in here.

Get him in and I'll show him who's boss.

I will.

I think bloody things anyway.

They're always coming off at the wrong moment.

How's your bum?

Still hurts.

Sir, the leader is here. Good morning, Jim.

It's a beautiful morning. Don't you have a beautiful morning, Jimmy?

I've got just about enough of you in your antics, son of Jim.

I've been far too lenient with you for far too long.

I'm wishing for one. You are exalted. Praise be to the show. Always. Your

will follow.

Well,

the governor's having his meeting with the leader.

Makes you laugh, doesn't it? There's only one leader here, and that's my

And I'm sure he's going to tell him who's the governor.

Mark?

Sir?

Mark, turn it off for a minute.

Sir?

Sir, what's the matter?

Well, there's been a real spate of catnapping around here recently, so they

me to speak to Mrs.

Shidlow, who's lost her cat recently.

And I've got to put her at ease, because she's a bit upset. She's an old lady.

And I think I'm good with the public, you know, like Bruce Forsyth.

Hello, Mrs.

Shidlow. That is correct.

Daniela. That is correct. Can I call you Daniela? Yes, certainly you may.

It's about your missing cat. Ah, yes, I have lost him a few days ago. His name

is Rascal.

Rascal? Yes, very friendly cat. Do you know, as a coincidence, I had a cat

called Rascal? Really?

Yeah. Oh, that is a very unusual name.

Isn't it? It is, isn't it? Yes, but I think he deserves his name. Yeah. What a

shame. I have lost him.

I lost him as well, you know. Oh, goodness, really?

What a coincidence. Yeah, they found him in the freezer at a local butcher's,

actually. Oh, what a shame.

He's always so strong.

He's always so dominant.

Look, you promised there's a fight. We'll keep him undercover tonight.

Yeah, yeah.

It's no problem.

And you won't tell anyone around the office about it.

You can go away with it. As if we would. Come on. Dish.

It's probably my life.

Oh, that's a good one. Son.

Son.

Oh, honestly, I can feel something up there. Look, look.

Look, have a look. Look.

Oh, get out of it, you disgusting pig.

Put your trousers on.

Jesus. Put your trousers on. All right.

Must be disgusting. I'm only showing you.

Oh, filth.

I don't know. I don't see that there's a problem at all. And there are certain

people, if you're a nameless, that think that I'm not my usual self.

That's not the case.

As far as I'm concerned, it's business as usual.

The first thing I felt was like a little finger poking out of my arse.

Now it feels like a whole hand.

Look, the best idea, you got these on the job, didn't you? So if we take the

plaster cast of them, you can use that as proof and claim compensation for it.

Kind of dangerous, to be honest.

They look well angry.

Are they red?

Yeah, they're red now.

Like a dog's tongue.

I can't believe it. He's been completely taken in. He's been taken in by the

leader.

Have a look.

It's ridiculous.

What have you got for me, Jim?

That's poor.

That is piss poor.

Grab the bull by the horns. Try to be more entertaining or something, Jim,

Try. I am your leader, little man.

Speech and the leader are becoming inseparable.

I'm not

going

in there.

I'm not going. I'm not going in there. I'm not going in there.

I'm going to take you back to a previous life, a past life.

Someone who you were.

There's too many of you boys.

One at a time.

One at a time.

Ray. Don't make any sudden movements.

Ray, what's the matter?

Listen, sir, I'm really worried about you. Don't you worry about me, you worry

about yourself, Ray.

Look, you haven't slept in a week.

Don't need sleep.

You do.

The leader said, when you are quiet in a piece, you don't need sleep. You don't

need sleep.

I don't. Now go away, I'm going to levitate round the room.

Flying.

I am flying high over the rooftops. The tops of the trees.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

But I'm not skiving. This is important police research into fast food and where

they get their materials from. It's a widely held theory that cats do end up

some fast food.

So I'm experimenting here. I've got some Chinese takeaway, kebab, and I had a

bit of fried chicken. Found a rat bone in that.

It doesn't really help us with the cats, though.

And there was something that looked suspiciously like whiskers in my kebab,

my kebab shop owner was a bit hairy, so hard to tell. That'll go to forensics.

But, you know, hopefully we might find Rascal, if we find anything dodgy.

So, here we go. Do you want a bit?

This is what the Home Secretary said about you in 1992, that you were a

to public order.

What? Hello?

Oh, I'm sorry.

We're busy.

Do you mind?

I know you forgot. It's time for our wrestling lessons.

Wait, wait, wait.

Do you mind?

It's time for our wrestling lessons, which we've been doing for ten years.

Come on, sir. You can't give up now.

We've almost mastered the leg -over -the -ear manoeuvre.

And in the last week, before the cleaner come in... Ray, not tonight, not ever,

please. Just close the door on your way out, do you mind?

It's ten years we've been doing it. Please, Ray.

Just go. Well done.

I've got the wrestling wine and everything.

Well done. But it's small steps.

Do you remember what I said? It's small, precise steps.

Well, yeah, yeah, to be honest, I'm shocked, I'm hurt and I'm angry.

You know, ten years we've been wrestling and this leader comes in and, you know,

all of a sudden the governor's found a new wrestling partner.

I suppose he'll show him all our secret moves.

Yeah, no, that's absolutely right. For the leader, his past had come back to

haunt him.

Those heady days, Harry the Hypno, I was known as, for LWT.

And then, of course, the show was taken off air because of the scandal that

ensued, which I'm sure you remember.

I don't really particularly want to go into it, but what basically happened was

the man was found with the money, and technically, I had nothing to do with

I have no spooky hold over this man, D .I. Beach.

He is a grown man, a grown, wonderful man, capable of making his own

Oh, why don't you just go to the doctor?

I don't want to go to the bleeding doctor.

They're professional. He'll cure it for you, won't he? Surely.

Last time I went to the doctor, and this is the last time, he ripped one of me

bollocks off.

I know it's sort of this up your bum bum, but what actually is... What is

It's varicose veins of the sphincter.

I brought the stuff back from my place, like you asked. Thanks, Ray.

Best we civilise about these things, I suppose.

Yeah, you're quite insolent. You're quite insolent. This is your strawberry

-favoured massage, or...

Oh, and by the way, I found these Femi gums in your smoking jacket.

Can you hurry up with this, because I'm feeling quite vulnerable down here.

I don't want my Harris on television either.

They're like grapes, aren't they? Sort of veiny.

Yeah, like veiny plums.

I think what we've got to do, we've got to make a plaster cast of it.

Because it's definitely come up, hasn't it? So a bit more plaster this time,

Bill. Get the old rubber gloves on. I'm not touching them.

Rubber gloves. Industrial ones. Industrial.

Oh, I don't know about you guys, but I am absolutely brass monkeys. It's

freezing, isn't it? And these uniforms, to be honest, they're useless in this

world. You know, they issue with thermals, but they're not really my

like to wear me leopard skins underneath of this.

So there's a lovely little market up the road.

And I might pick up a little woolly or something, you know, something to keep

out the cold.

That's what.

Yes, I understand that Ray's a little concerned about me.

Heart's in the right place, of course.

But he really can be a stupid, little, insignificant, leaderless little man.

And I'm off to the leader for a cup of tea.

Now, where's the harm in that?

But tea was not the only thing on the menu.

I am just one.

In no way am I letting this job slip.

I'm first and foremost a police officer.

I'm 24 hours a day. I'm a police officer.

I'm also the chosen one. Where the horns have heard.

This is crazy. I mean, leave. You can't just leave.

I'm leaving you, Ray.

I realise now that I should never, ever join the police force.

I'm going with the leader to a better place.

Release. Soul poison.

Release.

And... Pinch off.

I'm not having much luck at the moment. It's all summer season.

It's all gone, you know, lightweight.

But apparently there's some Russians round the back, and they've got some

gear. So I'm going to have a look there.

Mark. Yes, sir?

Just bag that up for us, will you? I'm not picking up the poo, sir. It's the

guns. You ain't got germs. I'm not picking up the governor's poo -poo, sir.

like my brother and my police.

Oh, that's all I've got to remember him by.

Um, this is Daniela, isn't it? Yeah. Will you say a few more details, a bit

fuller description, please, of Ross? It was a black cat.

Black? Yes, with a little bit of white on his ear. Yep.

And white paw, just a little bit of white paw. White paw.

And the tip of his tail was white. Right. Like if it was dipped in milk.

Or with love.

And he had a collar, which was tartan, red tartan. Tartan collar, with

a bell?

Yes, that's right.

Right.

No. No, no, no. What?

What?

What?

I mean, they're actually pulsing with his armpit. I think what we should do,

though, I mean, you have got to go to the doctor.

I think we should start thinking about getting him there quickly.

What we'd do is we'd take one more cast, just, you know, to show him. The last

one. So that people can see. Isn't that amazing? Another one. Yeah, just one

more.

Oh, he's stuck. He's sick. He's stuck.

That is dangerous. We've got to do something about that.

Bill, hand me the tool.

What's that?

Bendo, Bendo.

No! Stay still, stay still.

He's like Carrie. When I stuck him, his piles exploded all over me.

But the good thing we did get is with his plaster cast, we got some nice

didn't we?

Yeah.

Ash tray. Ash tray.

Fruit bowl. Fruit bowl.

Melon bowl.

Melon bowl.

Right.

We've broken into the leader's HQ. We've taken everything that's in there. Now,

we found out they've gone to their main HQ in South America, right?

But we need to know where. So if we sift through this, let's see if we can get

some kind of a clue as to where they've gone. Oh, my God.

What?

There is.

There definitely is, I know, because I've washed them hundreds of times.

Oh, yeah?

This is their rule book, right?

And it says here, the chosen one who wears the horns of Herm will have his

testicles removed before he enters the cult.

This is to keep him pure.

I think everyone in the cult's had his balls chopped off.

Hang on.

No, the governor will be all right. Look, because it says here, the chosen

have to be virgins.

Yeah.

Official funding for the rescue has been refused, so Sergeant Ash has to pay for

the trip by borrowing the money from Beach's mother.

Not looking good in there. Well, we finally tracked the governor down. We

evidence that we found back at the cult place in England.

The thing that surprises me is that there is no way...

A man like my governor, with his strength and integrity, could be sucked

cult like this. No way.

Percent! Percent!

Percent! Right,

boys. Right, mate.

How's the governor, then?

He's still got his puffy bits.

Looks like it. I'll just check.

Oh, yeah. He's still got his tackle in one piece.

It is conkers, isn't it?

I think so, but I don't know conker trees around here, are there?

It's not bad as it goes, you know.

You know, like in the playground, I used to be a conker champion.

Did you? Yeah, I weren't bad as it goes. Do you remember conokers? They were

sort of a modern -day equivalent of conkers, weren't they?

It can't be conkers, though, because conkers more sort of, it's been there

from... It's sort of more ancient, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

Look at her, she's good. She's very good. Look. Oh,

that's it then, you've won, haven't you?

Bones, you got to have a conker.

Can't we just shoot them in the legs hard, just drag them out?

I've got an idea, OK?

Listen, you, just give us beach and we'll walk away.

You'll never take me alive, copper.

Come and get me.

Why are you going to wrench your little lady? The hell I am.

So loose. Bloody thousands of them.

Look at that conker, right?

I mean, to get it that hard, right?

You've got to soak that in vinegar. You've got to bake that for weeks. I'm

telling you, I've never seen one like that. That is rock.

Hold on a minute.

That's not a conker.

That's a bollock.

It's a bollock.

What?

I don't believe this. British policeman.

British suppressor of all that is good and right and pure.

Let me assure you of one thing and one thing only.

Nits that you can do about it.

He's right, Ray.

The governor signed this disclaimer and the leader can go ahead with the

operation.

Legally, there's no reason to.

Well, I'm not having it, boys. I'm sorry.

If I could just talk to the governor, he's like John Luke Picard when he was

taken over by the Borgs, you know?

If I could talk to him, I could get through to the real him.

Strong man with a strong backbone.

I can't let him do this to them.

He means everything to me.

I'm going to go and offer to take his place. That's no good. Remember what we

read, Ray. The chosen one's got to be a virgin.

Yeah?

I'm satisfied.

I'm satisfied with the suppressor, with the deal that has been struck.

I no longer require this chosen one.

Welcome, Ray. Welcome.

Welcome to your new family.

Welcome to your purification.

Hold my baubles. Hold my baubles.

He's with his family now.

We will perform this rite to the entire world.

Come on,

sir.

Calm down. You don't understand.

I want to go back. No, no, no, you can't, sir. I know where I want to be.

And I still have the horns of Hearn. And you both shall burn.

Shall I slap him?

No, leave it on. Don't take away my power.

The leader didn't want me.

There's the chosen one.

Because he reckons when he rang the bell, nothing happened.

Still, I've been told as well that in a couple of weeks my horse will go back to

normal.

Right, guys.

How is the governor today?

He's slubbing himself in poo.

Spreading it all up against the walls. I can smell it.

Yes,

sir? Get me some trousers.

I can't, sir. I'm sorry.

It's cold.

No, I can't, sir. They said I can't. I'm sorry.

Bones! Bones!

I'm still a chicken.