Original subtitles

The good God.

Well, yes, even us hardened professionals need some recreational

So the governor's given us some time out to watch Big Danny Boy Sullivan in a

boxing match.

We've had a sweepstake on it and all the boys are really sort of... That

fight was a fix, Mark. I want this document.

It was a fix.

It was men on men, sir. What? Men on men.

Don't be vulgar. I'm not being vulgar. It's a boxing match.

That man, Danny Boy Sullivan, is a criminal.

I had it on very, very good authority he was going to win that fight. What

happened? He lastly took a dive. Quite clear. This man, intelligent man,

Sergeant Ash, taken in by this deception.

Five officers here, five of them all taken in.

That's irrelevant.

The money is irrelevant.

I want to sort this out.

What I want to do is start an operation to expose us to corruption.

Leave my ears alone.

Back off.

It's clear to me that that fight was fixed, it was rigged, and the gang...

fundamentally corrupt. Okay, I agree.

And what I want from you as an idea is how we expose it. Hello?

Uh, sir, just, um, we're 12, we're short, so it's your... No, no, Ray, can

sort that out for me, please?

I just have strings, I'll give you... I want some ideas. Bill's won it and he

wants it, he's going off duty.

I'll give it to you later, I say.

I'm trying to talk about a serious investigation. Go on, carry on, sir. And

you're getting hung up on a... Poxy £12.

Well, it isn't my £12, it's yours.

And I have to pay for it again.

Right, the government has to get some initiatives from them as how we go

with this operation.

My plan is to put an undercover policeman, one of my operatives, into

-boxing circuit.

Because this Danny Boy Sullivan business is getting out of hand.

But all we've got to do now is pick the right man for the job.

D .I. Beach is displeased with the way trials for the undercover boxer are

progressing. I

knew

that the governor would fancy himself as a bit of a boxer, so I've taken prior

precautions.

I had a word with Desard and Bill and said that if they harm one hair on his

head, I'll have him sacked.

Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, Bill!

Bill, you remember what I said.

Good! Shut up!

Now that's better, much better.

Nice one, Bill.

Nice one, sir.

Desard, Desard!

Oh, good Lord!

That's as much of a surprise to me as it is to anyone else. I fully expected

Bill.

It's hard to be the man for the job, but obviously this place has stayed as

beautiful as it has for a very good reason.

So it's obvious I've got to be the undercover officer in the ring.

I don't mind. Duty calls.

No, I'm not. I'm not going to hold for Mr Warren. I've already been holding for

Mr Warren.

Beach's next job is to find a fight promoter. Hello?

Look at me.

He's going to regret this when he knows who he's dealing with.

I know, sir.

You're disgusting.

You're the rest of them. Because, you know, I suppose it's working in such a

male environment, they feel they've got a right to take the mickey.

But it really is a personal, sensitive issue.

It's one of those myths, isn't it? It's, you know, one of those male myths.

I've got a mate of mine who's taken that Viagra now. Yeah.

He reckons he can get it over the counter.

That's an improvement, isn't it?

Well, sir, he's like a terrier, and he's adamant that he wants to nail Danny Boy

Sullivan. And he's entering a professional world, and he needs

people. And that's why he's zeroed in on the famous boxing promoter Frank

Warren, because he's simply the best.

Sir, Frank Warren is not taking you seriously. I've tried everything.

He's just not going for it. So we've thought of a new angle for you. Well,

got a good idea. What you need to do is a promotional video.

It's like show busy because then he'll see what you're about and he might talk

to you. So we spoke to the BBC guys. They said they'll do some, you know,

of you in the gym, etc.

I'll do some music.

You know, because you said you'd do it, wouldn't you?

Right? And honestly, so they do it all the time. It's all about like, you know,

soundbites like politicians do.

Right? So what you do is you go into Frank and you go, Frank, bosh, this is,

know, this is the governor. This is me.

It's professional.

All you need now is a name.

Well, yeah, I mean, the governor doesn't look like much of a boxer. It's fair to

say, isn't it? No, in fact, he's far from looking like a boxer. Yeah. Pretty

blubbery. Looks like a space hopper boxer.

But we're going to take him training out.

We're going to roll him out.

No, we're going to shape him up, make him look good, make him look a bit

You see, so what we want to do is to improve your hand -eye coordination.

I mean, this is all to do with boxing training.

Have you seen the Rocky films?

No, one of them, I think. Well, there's Rocky 1, 2 and 3, OK?

And what happens... There were four. Four. 1, 2, 3 and 4. And what happens in

one of the films is... No, there was five, wasn't there? Yeah.

Yeah,

just they'd never come out in the cinema.

They still counted, didn't they? It was five.

So what happens is the chicken runs around, OK? And you have to grab it.

the film, Rocky couldn't grab it because the chicken's too quick. So we sent

bones out for a chicken. Boys, boys.

Bring on the chicken.

Oh, here it is.

Roasted chicken.

It's outrageous.

The point was that it's a live chicken, so the governor could run around.

How could he run around like that? How much fun should you get a live chicken

from? It was a genuine mistake. Calm down, calm down.

All right, listen.

Uncle Ashley's tip of the day is always make a good thing out of a bad thing.

I'll come up with something, all right?

This is absolutely ridiculous.

You.

You were throwing that too quickly. If I didn't throw it, you wouldn't need to

chase it, would you?

Stop

making

that noise.

If you're pulling it too quickly, I can't respond.

Now pull it. Go on.

What did you do that for?

What did you do that for? I'm trying to... You just pulled it along, didn't

Ray, stop it. What?

No, stop it. You're just trying to make me look silly now. I'm not trying to

make you look silly.

Beach returns to more conventional training methods.

Stop it now. Stop. What?

You're just showing off because the camera's here.

How am I showing off? You're trying too fast. You're just trying to make me look

an idiot. If I go any slower, I'll fall over.

We'll stop it. Just walk.

Come on, keep up. Oh, God. Yeah, come on.

Uh,

hello? Yeah, um, is Mr Frank Warren there, please?

Uh, it's PC Mark Kemp.

Um, it's Ree, uh, DI Beach, potential champion.

Two. Three.

Come on, sir. Come on.

What about Wednesday? You can come back Wednesday if you want.

Come on, Governor.

I'm doing my best.

Goodbye.

Blimey, Bones.

I know you said it was little, but that's a button mushroom, mate.

It's all in working order, though.

Yeah.

Take that about that, mate. I'm with you there.

I'm doing my best.

I can't breathe!

Just do something!

I can't breathe.

Just do something!

All right, I'll come back at some point.

Thanks.

All right, let me explain something.

I'll explain it to the camera and I'll explain it to you because you've failed

to understand that this is part of a carefully planned sportsman's diet.

It's not fatty... There's a great myth spoken about fatty food and athletes.

It's stored energy.

All athletes need carbohydrate for energy. There's sugar.

That's what I'm doing.

Where's the salt?

The salt's over there, sir. You're going to get a heart attack.

Buzz, come here.

Listen, I want you to do me a favour, right?

I've given you a thousand... Listen to me, right?

I've given you a thousand pounds.

I want you to go over to Danny Boy's son and offer it to him as a bribe to take

the dive, OK?

Yes, sir. You got that?

Go on.

Now go.

Go on.

Yes, sir.

This is for a camera.

Camera.

Now, we're offering Danny Boyd Sullivan a bribe of £1 ,000.

If he takes that and takes the dive, then we know he's corrupt and the

governor's correct.

Right. It's not chilli sauce all over it. It's not chilli sauce, sir. It is

bloody. I've just licked my finger. I know you by now. I've put tomato sauce

it like you are. I've done it myself.

I took it off the man and done it.

If nothing I can do is right for you, is there nothing?

He's quite a cool name for a little fat guy. When he's out of scotch, he's like

a rubber man. He can get his leg right back behind the ear, and he'll be happy.

Really? Yeah.

Clever. What's he like?

I don't know why I'm bothering doing it. It's because

Danny Boy Sullivan's going to take the bribe. What am I training for?

Ridiculous. Mate, it's going to be a nice, flat, empty stomach.

I've earned a good lunch, I think.

Mark, do you want to come?

My treat, Tom?

Yeah.

Sure about this, Gav?

Yeah, look, listen. He's done a lot of stuff for the guys at the station. He's

done all their verrucas, bunions.

He's very good with feet.

Yeah, I know, but they don't exactly put me at ease, does it, Strings? Well,

verrucas and bunions is different to what I'm having done.

It's all you can afford, mate. I mean, he's in the right area, isn't he?

No, sir. Nose, Ira. Nose, Ira.

Oh!

Sir? What?

Just been to Frank Warren's office.

If I keep bugging him, he just won't let me in. The secretary won't let you in.

Stop punching me while I'm exercising.

Well, I mean, it's fair enough, sir. I mean, at the end of the day, he's a

player. He's not going to let Mark Cameron... Major player? What do you

sir? He's chopped liver. I'm a major player.

I know, he just... Well, we'll see about that, won't we? You get the men

together now. Stop punching me!

Eight, nine, ten.

Well, here we are. We've got access to Frank Warren's office, as you can see.

Get out of the way, Ray.

There you go. It's all there.

It's time now for me to take matters in hand.

Go on, boys. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.

Go.

Go.

This is the BBC making a documentary.

Ignore them.

What do you mean, ignore them? What are you doing here? What's going on? I'm

here to pick your brain's frame. What I want to do is show you my promotional

video.

I'll do that for a laugh or something.

You went through all this to bring this up to me and show me that video.

That's a lot of trouble, I know, but it's worth it. A lot of trouble?

You've got to be out for a laugh, haven't you?

I mean, you do realise, Mr Bones, that a penis enlargement, you know, if for

life, I mean, it's an irreversible operation.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I mean, it will certainly improve the quality of your life. I mean, it'll

improve the quality of your wife's life and all, that's for sure. I don't have a

wife.

Well, I mean, it'll improve the quality of, you know, your life in general, put

it like that.

You were there to help me launch a boxing career. I've got to get deep

undercover to expose, you know, Danny Boy Sullivan, right?

I mean, everybody knows he's bent.

Danny Boy Sullivan?

I lost 12 pounds the other day on Danny Boy Sullivan. That's an issue.

Now, if I can get an operative in there, deep undercover... And you're going to

be the operative? That's going to be me.

And you're going to launch your career in the ring?

I'm not really thinking of it as a career. I'm actually thinking it as my

to get in there and expose this shyster for what he is.

Can you help me, Frank?

Well, I suppose it's my public duty, isn't it?

I'll have to help you. Good.

If you scratch our back, Frank, we can scratch yours.

Lovely.

Well, he means well. He definitely means well.

He's not a bad fella.

And if I can help him in any way to root out any corruption, I'll do it. I mean,

it happens in all walks of life. In the police force, we've seen it. And if I

can help him, I'll do it.

Listen, guys, and I'm not being funny about this, because I know you lot don't

earn a lot of money.

But what guarantee can you give me about my fee?

Oh, yeah.

Would you like it now?

Very nice.

Yeah, it won't. Keep that quiet, mate.

It's a rainy day, mummy.

Yeah, it's a thunderstorm there.

Well, let's really be honest about it. You know, you've got to just look at

yourself. You're not the right height.

You haven't got the physique.

You certainly don't look like you've got any condition whatsoever to me.

Don't look like you've got a lot of charisma.

I'm worried about that letterboxd man. If anyone hits you in the neck, they'll

put you in the office.

So I'll take the fat from your stomach line, inject it into your penis, so it's

up to you to choose what size you want.

That one.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

The working involvement, mate, that's going to cost you at least £1100.

I've only got £1000.

I ain't got £100 on you, have you?

Well, yeah, I have, but I think it should be more realistic, Bones. I mean,

get an erection with that, mate, you're going to pass out.

Someone's going to promote you.

You're going to invest a lot of time in you, a lot of money in you. You've got

to find a decent trainer.

You've got to take you through the whole thing, get you fit, and then, you know,

you might get there. Danny Boyce Sutherland's manager may take you

but you definitely need a good manager, which ain't going to be me.

But, you know, you're too busy.

Beach is displeased with his new management.

How am I supposed to get about?

If you, my manager, walk around looking like a wet weekend, boxing managers are

flamboyant characters.

They've got style, razzmatazz.

I'm beside myself in fury with you.

I'm that close to hitting you.

And you wouldn't want to be on the end of one of my punches, boy.

The shape I'm in at the moment, I'll shave up.

Well, Bones is under the knife now, and apparently it's all going very well, so

it's good. And just found out, actually, that you get a sort of double bubble on

this, because they take the fat from around your gut, which, let's be honest,

he's got plenty of, so you get slimmer, and you get your wedding tackle

enlarged. So Bones is going to be a bit less Peter Glaze and a bit more Peter

Andre at the end.

So it's good.

And it'll be up and about in about ten days or so, so he'll be there for the

Governor's big fight.

It's all very positive.

Not bad, Jay.

Someone in possess.

I have given you the rumble in the jungle. I have given you the thriller in

Manila. Well, now I'm going to give you raging pain.

Ladies and gentlemen, good people of England, I want you to give me a call by

Friday and I'm going to give you in the comfort of your own home this

magnificent fine for £9 .99.

Well, well, well.

What's that?

No, it's great. It's perfect. I love it.

It's terrific.

You've got style now. You stand out from the rest of the crowd.

It's brilliant.

Sir, please, I mean, look, I know Danny Boy Sullivan's taking a dive, but I

still think you should train. Beach continues with his rigorous training

There's an art to doing this. You squeeze it, but it all comes out.

And they give it another little squeeze, and more comes out.

Want a lick? You're nice.

Go on, have a lick.

Only a little one.

What's that like, mate? That's lovely.

I have to stick with it. My father, he wants plenty of drink and plenty of

after the fight. Do I understand?

I want things like these biscuits here. I want a lot of chocolate biscuits in

the dressing room. None of these custard creams, Frank.

White chocolate or black chocolate? Well, whatever, Charlie. I just want

chocolate. Frank, what is it with you, man?

I don't need your dress shirts, man.

Why don't you dress like me, bigger style? Give me the name of your tailor.

I'll tell you, man, you're just dressing so dull now, man. I know your office.

Who's that? Who's that looking like that?

Looking like that, Frank?

Frank,

I've got to say one thing for you, man.

You know what you've got to do? You've got to take all of this stuff off your

wall. You need leopard skin. You need things like an elephant tusk on the

a whale bone. Frank, I have to say, you ain't got no style.

I'm only joking, Mr. Warren. And you, out!

And you, out!

I'm only joking, Mr. Warren.

Out!

Out!

Can

we

just talk about the fight? Out!

Out!

Can I just give you a call afterwards, maybe?

It's only a gimmick, sort of. Don't forget mine, I'm running out of change.

I'm sorry, Mr White.

On your way.

Just... Can't we just talk for a minute?

Never again.

Forget me.

Bye.

Sir, you're absolutely right. Holmes has just told me that... Danny Boy

Sullivan's taken a bribe. There you are. That's what I tell you.

Well, genius, mate.

Couldn't you be training?

Right, how many times do I have to tell you? I am training. I'm replacing...

Don't sit on my couch, will you?

No, no, I mean... I'm replacing the energy level. It's sort of training, you

know, because you've got to make it look good. Give me a break, will you?

Yeah, but it's quite energetic, isn't it? Stored energy.

Sugar.

Can't fight without it.

far be it for us to say, but we think the governor should be making a little

more of an effort. You know, if he's going to give a good show, look good, he

should be giving a bit more effort.

He's just giving lip service at the moment. At the moment?

Well, miles by lip service. Yeah, and a cup of cola.

Exactly.

He continues with his rigorous training regime.

No, come on, Bones. Look at me, look at me. Right, Danny Boy Sullivan, he's

accepted the bribe, yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

And he knows everything? He knows that he's got to go down and not touch the

governor?

Yeah, he's going to go straight down.

You sure?

Sure. Good.

Well, I think you'd better go and have a cold shower, Bones, don't you?

Hey, there's a lot in my eye.

And what do you think?

Please. Not that. Look deep up.

First blood. No, not that. You see, the eye of a tiger ran.

The eye of a tiger.

Right?

All right, I suppose it's no secret because you've seen it now, but, you

you bloody saw when I'd it done. It was the size of a small suckling pig.

All right, don't keep on.

I can't. Hit me, Desard.

It will hurt. Hit me.

I can't, honestly. It will not hurt me. Hit me. It's an order. Hit me. If it's

an order and you're sure. Hit me!

Get me a mask on. I don't think I need to. Oh, sugar.

No, no, no, no. Sir, I don't think you should smoke. Not on your ass, my lord.

Trust me, Ray. I know what I'm doing. No, it's not smoking.

Not what you're about, sir. Look, you two, listen. Stop panicking.

Danny Boy Sullivan has taken a thousand pounds. He's going to do a dive.

It's no problem.

The good guys are taking their preparations for the fight

very seriously.

He's like a country. He may be small, but he packs a mad punch.

Shut up.

Listen, with Danny Boy Sullivan, you've got to fight him out. You've got to say

things to him. You've got to goad him. Things like... That's not very nice.

Might certainly get him mad.

It's supposed to be a good, real fight, but I can't see much problem. I've seen

him. Small, fat, can't see problems.

Sweetheart.

D .I. Beach was totally out of order. I mean, how can he say what he said?

I'd have been Danny Boyz, I'd have smashed seven colours out of him. It was

diabolical. Get out of here!

Let go of me! Let go of me!

Oh, f*** you!

Greg, watch this. I'm really going to wipe you.

I'll tell you what, I can't wait for you, son.

Round one, the fight has begun.

Boy, Sullivan plays it cool, but my fighter, he ain't no fool.

It was really painful to watch, to be honest.

I think, really, we're all a bit to blame because the promotional video was

good that we all did, the governor believed his own hype, you know, and he

thought he could do it.

But, you know, to be honest, I find it all a bit barbaric, you know.

I'm more of a sort of racket sports kind of guy.

Badminton or short tennis.

Round two.

Boy Sullivan is in a stew.

With a left and a right, the region pick is dynamite.

You can't squeal. Or if you get hit and you're hurt, then you shouldn't show

you're hurt. But every time he got hit, he was like squealing like a pig, like a

fat pig.

Round three.

Boy Sullivan is being chopped like a tree.

My boy is so quick.

Boy Sullivan, he's just a hairy...

ensued was basic intrusion into my governor's human rights.

He had three ribs, a dislocated collarbone, and what looks

like it's going to be a very nasty cauliflower ear.

I thought

I had a career of being a boxer. I thought I was quite good at it.

And now I'm just back to being a normal policeman.

I don't believe it.

I don't believe it.

What kind of police?

Well, they're bruises, aren't they?

Yeah?

Sure?

OK.

The IBG has given up boxing.

It's about time he did it as well. He looked terrible. He was an absolute

He was an embarrassment to boxing.

You know, Mike Tyson, I'm sure, will sleep easier at nights now knowing he's

to sing.

But you now go back to what he's good at doing, whatever that is.

I could have been a contender, eh? I should have been a winner.

But I'm a no -go loser.

I feel like I'm only half a man.

Oh, my God, I am only half a man.

Yeah, you'd better take the old bottle of fun.

I'm gonna get you.