Original subtitles

Get in! Why do I have to do it? Don't you answer back at me. I'm not.

You want your sharps?

They're on. Any fish to bite?

They are.

Get in!

He's softening him up for the eating.

The good guys have been summoned to the BBC.

Holly wobbles when I get here. I get the butterflies in the tummy.

Thoughts open on their own and everything.

It's only nose.

It's worse than nose, right? I'm losing my nips. Just clench them up. Find a

toilet for me. Just clench them. Now.

It's a bloody lady. It doesn't matter. Go on, go on.

You stand guard.

Mr. Sheriff, you need a hand, yeah?

Excuse me.

Please, please, please, now.

Would you please, out now.

Just out of the door.

Please would be nice. Please, thank you. Goodbye.

Hi. Hi, which room's Paul Jackson in, please?

I can't tell you that at the moment, but have you got a name?

Yes, Detective Inspector Beach.

I'll go straight up.

No, just wait a moment.

You don't recognise me, obviously. It's Detective Inspector Jim Beach from

Operation Good Coast.

Right. If you want to take a seat, basically I'll just call through to his

I'm here to see Paul Jackson.

I'm here to see Paul Jackson.

I've been here a long time now.

She has only just arrived here.

I've been here at least three quarters of an hour. I don't want to take a

seat. I want to go upstairs and have my meeting with Mr Jackson.

There you go. You see, Mark, there's more than one way to skin a cat. You

shouldn't have said there was a murder. It doesn't matter.

You told lies.

Oh, shit.

Hello. Hello, we're here to see... Excuse me. Oh, look who's here.

Little Miss Busybody again.

That's Missy. I don't know who you are, and I don't particularly care.

I don't know who you are. Who are you? Well, I am Detective Inspector Beach,

I'm going to see Paul Jackson before you are. Do you understand me?

And if you want to make yourself busy, you get Sergeant Ash and I a cup of tea.

Oh, yeah.

These shows do really well for us. I'm sure you remember Lenny up the Amazon

Joanna Lumley on the desert island, you know, Russ Kemp in Alaska. They do very

well. I really would ask you to consider taking the team on a BBC survival trip.

We'd love to. We could do anything. Make shoes out of bras and... I think the

big thing is, I'm delighted you're so positive, the thing is now we've got to

fix the date because obviously you'll need to go on the BBC survival course

before the filming. With respect, Paul, we survive in the urban jungle. We're

trained, anyway.

Every day is an assault course for us, so I don't think we're doing anything.

Benefit from another course.

Marooned on a desert island, DI Beach and the good guys put their Hendon

training into immediate effect.

Honestly,

sandals, shorts.

Oh, there you go. What we need to prove, just for the record for the camera, is

that discipline is going to win through here. This uniform, for example, is

designed to assist, protect.

It's the best thing you can wear in this situation.

Discipline is the key. I mean, Joanna Lumley, fine, that's okay.

But she didn't have the discipline.

She went away with a very good figure.

Quite voluptuous, actually.

Discipline, in the only way that a special force can do, is going to win

in this debate.

Attention! Come on!

All the men in Sergeant Ash, come on, men, stand in a line. Attention.

Put your bloody shirt button up! Where do you think you are?

Well, it's obvious to me, at any rate, that the only way we're going to survive

this is if you listen to my hard -earned experience.

Bill, Tassad, I want you to go off together and find some building

you know, something that we can make bricks out of for a shelter, OK?

Right,

now, the rest of you men, I want you to patrol the beach in pairs, just like you

would at home, OK?

That's obviously going to give the...

And he ne 'er -do -wells the impression that there's a very heavy police

presence on the beach here.

Well, the BBC have given us some dried biscuits and some water just to last us

for a while, haven't they? Yeah, not much, though. We have to ration it and

recce with some fresh water somewhere else.

See, we've got to find... This is between seven of us. We've got to find

water first, and the biscuits do us for a couple of days, and then we've got to

find some food.

A solid in there? Yeah, it's light.

What it is, BBC have asked us to do, you know them video things, like where you

take what you're doing in the daytime.

So this is us just walking along the beach. Yeah, we're supposed to be

along the beach. I think it's a deserted island, isn't it?

Yeah, I know. Oh, look at that.

You're making all the soup run in my eyes. Are you holding it the wrong way?

I'm tipping back.

We're still on 2E, right, and I have to say, I kind of like it, because though

it's a deserted island, we're still British Police, and we're still getting

suits! Aye!

Yep.

All the soap.

There you go.

That's it, sir.

What? It's all the fresh water gone.

What's all gone?

It's all gone.

What are you looking at me about, then?

You see, Paul, I run a happy and efficient ship, because a ship can't be

unless it's efficient, and it certainly can't be efficient unless it's happy.

And that's why my men would follow me to the ends of the earth. The discipline

instilled in them is such that they will do anything I say without question.

They never, ever question me.

That fat bastard's used all the water. Watch your mouth. He's your governor,

remember? I don't care. He's used all the water. That was supposed to last him

for three days. Look, he's used it all.

I don't believe it. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Where's all the dry biscuits?

All dry biscuits.

I don't like the look of that fella. It's definitely petering out.

There's no more wood. What can I do?

But if you'd let us go out and get some more wood, we'd just wake it up. Are you

mad? Go out there.

There's all weird animals out there. There might be a troop of baboons

for you or something.

See?

That's what I mean.

Go and have a look, Ray.

And we're very scared to see these monsters out there, innit? They're big,

they've got fangs, and they've got scaly skin, and they live in a cave. Oh, for

God's sake. They do. There aren't any monsters out there. There's probably

some cannibals. There are.

There's another one.

Sam, look, the fire's coming out. We've got to get wood from somewhere.

Off me.

I don't want anyone going out there. There are obviously dangerous animals

there.

How's that?

I'll just have to think of something else.

There you are, Ray.

A lovely fire. You're a genius, you know. I've never seen a fire so big.

What a great idea that was.

Thank you.

I know, I know.

But we've got no more clothes to burn.

What was that?

We're really happy about this. We're going to burn up in this thing. I've got

really sensitive skin. Let me tell you something.

You're lucky I didn't burn your helmets.

Then you'd get sunstroke if I did that, wouldn't you?

Just kill yourself.

Can I have a word? What?

We burnt our own heads.

What? We burnt our own heads.

God. Strings, come here. Come here. Give me that. What? Right. Now listen up,

you recalcitrant shower of shit.

Well, as you can all see, the sun's very hot and I'm very bald.

So I've had to fashion myself a hat out of a coconut husk, like this.

I've added a few leaves.

And once I've burnt all our clothes and things, I managed to retrieve Her

Majesty's police force badge.

So that will still give me Her Majesty's police authority, even though we're on

a desert island.

The governor's been gone for half an hour.

I need more. He's just trying to get us breakfast, that's all.

He said he was going foraging for food. Yeah, but why can't me and Bill go

foraging for food? He wanted to do it. Here we go.

Daddy's home with the bacon and with the breakfast. Are you all hungry?

No,

I wouldn't do that, sir.

You've got to test them first, right?

You've got to rub them on your skin.

You've got to wait at least a week. And then if nothing happens, you can eat

them. I can't wait a bloody week, can I?

You eat it.

Go on, you try it.

Oh, it does smell nice. It smells like strawberries.

A bit creamy and like honey. Get it.

Give it to me.

It was those berries I told you about.

It was Mr Knight.

It was the berries.

Help him.

Blimey, Ray.

I give those berries a miss if I were you.

Men, Sergeant Ash and I have been talking, and we've decided that all we

do, really, is to sit here and wait for those coconuts up there to fall

to the ground.

They're juicy, full of nutrition, and we'll have a veritable feast.

And not only that, you can use the coconut oil to make suntan lotion, so

won't get burnt.

So it won't go ash's tip of the day, that.

Sir. At least let me and Bill go fishing. I mean, we could catch some

couldn't we? If anyone goes fishing, De Sade, it will be me.

Is that clear?

Well, I need the point of stick.

Hooray. Latch me a point of stick immediately.

Aye, sir.

I'll show you what fishing is, De Sade.

Sir.

It's a very simple idea of the governor's. As soon as the sharks smell

they'll all come.

Help me!

Having squandered all the rations and failed to provide a single scrap of

material, Beach is about to discover...

Rebellion is in the air.

Me and Bill, we've decided that we're going to make a camp further up the

No disrespect, sir, but it's just we've got to survive, and we could do it a lot

better on our own. If anyone wants to come, come. You're welcome.

But it's up to you guys.

I'll come, Sarge.

I'm sorry, sir.

Needs must.

I'll remember who began this little mutiny, Desard.

And you, Phil.

And you, Mark Kemp.

Bones.

Thank you.

You're a very loyal officer.

I appreciate it.

Well, you know, throughout the ages, men have demonstrated qualities that

kingdoms have been built on, such as trust and loyalty.

And Bones here has demonstrated both of those qualities today and I'm immensely

proud of him. No, no, you've done very, very well.

Men putting trust and loyalty in people greater than themselves.

People like me.

You feeling better?

No.

You see, people laughed at me.

They didn't think I'd be able to build a shelter here.

Well, let me show you something.

Have a look at this.

There you go.

Not bad for an urban policeman.

Right, Mark. Right, lads.

Meanwhile, the mutineers are making surprisingly good progress.

Two up, two down.

Can I stick up there?

Yeah, there's a little bed up there.

Alright, guys.

We've got it all rolling in.

Come here, come here. Quiet a minute.

We've got all this food here, right?

And you can all eat.

Both of you can eat. But, it's going to cost you.

Alright?

Best life.

Won't be any more than a restaurant in London, but it's going to cost you. What

sort of restaurant?

Medium,

yeah.

We haven't had hardly anything to eat or drink for some considerable time now.

And some men affect their minds.

With me?

I'll just rely on my natural born leader instinct.

I am starting to see bones in a slightly different light.

Sir? Stop looking at him in that way. Listen to me, Ray, listen.

Can't you hear the sound of the sizzle when the fat hits the fire?

It's fat.

Those legs, we can score them and rub them with sea salt and bake them very,

very slowly.

And the shoulders, all those shoulders, we can use those for sausages, Ray.

He's a lovely little porker.

And we're going to eat the practical bastard.

Honestly, I just have to say, that is the most fantastic lobster.

I mean, you just don't get that at home, do you? That's free fresh. That's

because they're frozen at home. Everything's frozen. And that is, as God

it. I'm blowing it up.

I don't know if I could eat anything more.

He's a little fat sod, and we're going to eat him. Stop talking.

You know, listen to me. Last night, he was snoring like a pig. Like a little

suckling pig.

All it takes is one rock and bash on ahead, and we've got him.

Hey, Bones.

Having escaped Beach's cannibalistic advances, Bones has joined the

That's a bit vicious, that. It's nothing.

You'd better be careful, would you?

Bones, what's up with your bum bum?

Oh, it's just some herbs.

Some bouquet garnier.

Last night we heard the monsters, but we haven't heard them tonight.

Get up off this. Ray, how many times do I have to tell you? There are no such

things as monsters.

What the hell is that?

Run! Run!

What are you, bastards?

Ray, what are we going to do about these bloody monsters?

They're everywhere.

So it's probably... So many monsters.

All I want is something to eat. Lifelong friendships are becoming frayed.

Oh, f*** off, Bobby.

I will.

Ray?

Don't go.

I'm really sorry you had to witness that outburst, but after 17 years, I'm just

sick of this emotional blackmail, this physical abuse.

However, it has been discovered that the good guys are not alone.

underneath the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath

the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath

the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath

the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath

the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath

the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath

the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath

the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath

the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath

the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath

the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath

the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath

the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath

the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath

the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath

the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath

the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath

the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath

the mango tree underneath the mango tree underneath the mango tree

Sorry, no, you can't have none of my conch.

No, I was trying to get hold of your shell.

Yeah, so the BBC asked if I wanted to do it, and I thought, why not? It's

lovely, isn't it? Gorgeous.

And the crew are really nice. You'll have to come and meet them. I'd love to.

Yeah, they're really nice guys.

Noel Gallagher as well, you know, from Oasis. You're joking!

He's on the north of the island, but he's got the right hump because Ralph

Harris is next door.

He's been cleaning since we do too loud.

It was Paul Jackson from the BBC who made me go on a survival course. It was

really good. I learned loads and loads and loads.

It's the one that Joanna Lumley did, and Ross Kemp, Lenny Henry did one as well.

They all did it, and as you can see, it really pays off. Look at that, there's

my dinner.

It's lovely, isn't it? It's not bad, isn't it? That is, honestly, that is

delicious. Better than Norbu, isn't it?

You really should eat some of this. I won't eat that, and you can't make me.

I've not eaten her food either. I'll catch my own, thank you very much.

I'm surprised she can eat it without chips and vinegar.

We were doing just fine until she came along.

Geordie Bimbo.

And now all he says, who done of this, who done of that, and who bloody done of

the other?

He's sick.

He lives in our hut. He eats our food.

Well, I don't need him.

I can get my own food.

To be honest, I do have to say, it's a little bit strong, because they're mates

and they're charging us, but... Yeah, I mean, we've run out a bit of a tab now.

It's getting, you know... I have to say, the food is excellent, and Sergeant

Bill, they are superb hunters, you know, and we have not wanted for nothing. No,

they're the best. I mean, it's all on a plate for us now.

Well, hey, BBC comes up trumps again, all right? But this Ardenbill have a

secret supplier.

What we'll do is we'll get rid of all your drink -driving convictions for

all right? You know that little wacky -backy problem you had?

Grab that, no problem.

But keep it coming, all right, guys?

We'll see you in two days.

Two days.

So, look, all you need to do, if you want to go to the toilet, right, take a

hole, number ones, number twos, whatever, in the hole, and then just

with some earth and some leaves. You'll find, if you're a bit constipated like I

am, coconut milk.

That's really good.

It's a good tip, isn't it?

It's really funny, because, like, when I wasn't eating and drinking, I saw the

monsters, and now that I'm eating and drinking, I don't see the monsters

anymore. Well, of course. I mean, when you don't eat or you're dehydrated, it

causes hallucinations.

You must have learnt that on your course.

What course?

Your BBC course.

Look what I've found.

I've found water.

This is a water hole in its back.

It's a little bit salty, but who cares?

Oh, the other thing I found here, look.

It's these lovely soft groundnuts that grow by the water's source.

Can you get them?

Look.

He's like a stag in rut.

All he thinks about is...

No, do the right one.

I've done my hair done.

If you suck really hard, there's lots of milk in there. I can't get it in. No,

go on, suck hard.

That's it.

Disgusting, isn't it?

What's she got that I haven't got, huh?

Well, I'll win him back.

He's mine.

I've got a mouth of rats on me.

And as you smell, that's gone off, hasn't it? You know, you've got to be

careful. There's nothing worse than a bit.

Thanks, Donald.

Ain't that... Oh, smell that.

Give it a mark, eh?

Mark, do you want some whelks?

Good, I'll give that a go, yes.

Cheers, son.

17 years.

17 years of my life.

And she comes along.

Of course, I get a bit grey, putting on a little bit of weight. She trades me in

for a new model.

Well, I don't think... I don't think I look that bad.

How do I look?

Does that look all right?

Just tell me what you want. Beach is desperately trying to win back Ash's

affection.

Stop it. It's frightening, mate.

I don't feel too good.

I've got real weird sort of pains, you know.

I feel giddy. I really feel rough.

You've got, like, stabbing pains.

A bit all bloated. Yeah, bloated, that's it, yeah. A seafood bacteria,

definitely seafood bacteria.

Let me feel.

Sorry, did you get that?

I'm sorry, it's not going to be like that.

Stop it, will you? You're scaring me.

Follow me round, you'll be afraid no longer.

Little Miss Cleverclaw's Donna didn't find this for you, did she?

Look.

Mark, there's the captain.

Filth. We've got to do something. Can't we build him another shelter, Bill?

Way down. I know you might laugh, but in Thailand, when you've got an upset

stomach, what they do, they get an unripe banana and they stick it in the

orifice.

What have you done?

Yeah, yeah. Butt plug it. Yeah, a butt plug. It's a lot more simple.

Mark, look, I think you should try it. You've got to try it, Mark. That end.

Come on. Because you've already done your underwear, haven't you? You're

these leaves. Stick it up there. Go on. Get in. Go on.

Ah.

Oh.

Oh, that's hard.

There might be alligators and things like that. You don't know, do you?

But all things considered, I think it's going quite well. We've got food now,

we've got water, we've got shelter.

And the only one slight problem we've got is Mark's little bit of tummy

But Bones's tie tip has really sorted that out, I think. Oh!

Hi,

Ray. Come on, Ron. Oh, thank you. I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

It's full of bleachers.

What's on me?

What are they?

They're the leeches.

Oh, my God, Ray, pull them off! I can't, I can't, no, they leave their heads in

it, you do, don't you?

Just let them have their fill and they'll drop off at their own accord,

they, Donna? Put salt on them! I told you, I told you, didn't I? Put salt on

them! I can't, just leave them!

So Donna Bloodyair's been on a BBC survival course, has she? And what's she

learnt? How to put a mascara on.

I'll tell you what, she'll be crying at home if she tips a nail garnish, that

one.

Then you've got mussels and oysters. What you do with those is you tap them

they should close, then they're really good to eat.

Winkles and welts, what you do with those, they've got an air passage,

or entrance, which should close completely when you shake it.

And then you've got limpets, you find those on rocks. What you do with those

you get your knife.

fries it off, and if it's really hard to come off, then they're the good ones.

Then you can eat them.

Tell me the truth, though, all right?

I've kissed someone once properly.

Yeah, there you go.

Was it nice?

Yeah.

Uh -huh. Who was it?

I can't say, no.

Oh, go on, you can tell me. No, I can't, I can't. Sir told me not to tell

anyone.

Oh, I've got another one coming. Oh, no! I'm sorry. Not again.

Oh, this is a big one.

Oh, that's disgusting.

That's making my eyes smart.

Oh, mummy.

I can't be having this.

We're in the shelter. Take that.

Light them as they come out, man. Light them.

That's got a smell.

That's disgusting.

It's not like that.

Has he done that kind of thing before?

No, look, stop you. There was no tongues or anything like that. It's just when

you practice on a chocolate donut, you know.

Sir? Ray.

Sir, what are you doing here?

They're not dropping off.

What? I'm starting to feel ever so weak. No, they will. They will drop off once

they've had their fill.

Actually, it's night time now. Actually, things have really improved because

Mark's lighting his farts.

It's definitely killing the smell, so it's much better in the shelter.

Only thing is, it keeps burning his grass skirt.

Oh, yeah.

The leeches are still with me.

They're feeding.

And I don't care, because I fed well tonight.

Yeah, about there. Is there anything? Is there anything on my neck?

There's just, like, two marks, two puncture wounds or something.

I'm afraid you've been bitten, I think.

Were you?

Oh,

Ray, that was quite serious, actually.

I'm serious.

I'm going to get some help,

OK? I'm going to get some help.

This has just gone completely, disastrously wrong. I've got a report

Beach is losing blood. I don't know how, but apparently there's blood

everywhere. Ash is bumming food off Donner Air, which is cheating.

They're cheating on this bloody thing. And Bones has actually punched one of

senior, most important artists. Bones has punched Rolf Harris. Did you know

that?

We've been looking for Sir now for two hours, but...

Quite honestly, this is hopeless. We'll have to come back in the daylight.

Sir!

Sir! I don't care. There's a multi -million pound investment on that

We've got multi -cross -channel shows going on there. The whole Christmas

schedule is at stake. Get them off that island.

No, no, I recognise that tree. Look, stop!

Stop! I think he's here where I left him.

Well, another hour's passed by and we can't find the governor anywhere.

Let's be honest, I'm giving up hope. Oh, I've got one coming.

Oh, no!

Oh, please.

Oh, it's coming.

Oh, help me.

Oh, help me.

Here I am, all alone.

Ray's left me for Donna.

Just me, my leeches for company.

They're hoping I'm going to get beaten by the monster.

And look, there it is.

Do you see its eyes?

Get the lights up. Get your pants down. Get your pants down.

He's still there.

He's just sitting there waiting for you.