Original subtitles

The good God.

Bronze.

See that? That's bronze.

Now how many people are in this disco dancing contest?

A few, sir. A few.

How few is a few?

Three, sir. Three.

So you've heard that.

You gave it up, didn't you?

Sir. Shall I show you what I think of bronze?

Shall I?

I'll give you three weeks off to win this contest, and you come back with

bronze. Well, you don't win bronze. You lose gold and silver. No.

Meanwhile, Springs' second career is looking up. EMI Records, biggest record

company in the world, and Tony Wadsworth.

Tony Wadsworth.

Top man.

No coffee, boys.

No, no, no, no. Tony Wadsworth, I've done business with him many times. Many

times. Old friend of mine. Old friend of mine, I got you in there. I said I

would get you in there, didn't I? Laddie, I knew you'd come through.

want to get in, I get in. Oh, man.

Well,

I thought about changing one of the lyrics, actually.

Which one?

Well, you know it says, give me an E?

Yeah. I thought, a drug reference, you see.

really be associated with that.

Why not? But I'm still a policeman at the moment.

You want my advice?

Take to being a policeman.

Because it's really not very good.

Because it's got TV coverage of Korea, you see.

No, no, no.

The point is it's crap.

I've got a file that I keep this sort of stuff in.

So you keep tape? Yeah, I'll keep the tape.

Future reference.

Right, so you will... Oh, yeah, you've got my telephone numbers. You've got my

telephone numbers, Tony.

Really very, very pleased to meet you, but I can't believe how bad that was.

We'll see you again. Yes, absolutely right.

Hey,

great, well, so we'll hear from you then. You've heard from me.

Right, OK. Thank you. Thank you, Tony. See you again.

Brilliant. Thanks.

Thanks, Tony.

Well, here we are at last. I can tell you we are on the eve of Operation

which is probably the biggest operation mounted by a police force in conjunction

or in tandem with the Spanish police for the last 20 years.

And I'm happy that you're going to be there to witness this.

Naturally, the burden of responsibility falls on my shoulders, but as you

probably know me by now, I relish such challenges.

I hope it makes good telly.

Well, this is it.

Blood, sweat and tears and vigorous training.

We're all ready for Operation Zorro, which will be out in Spain, alongside

Spanish police.

So, well, if you want to join us, we're all packing, getting ready to go, and

here's to it.

Muchas gracias.

But there's a problem already with Beach's trunk.

There are liquids in there. I packed that in the trunk.

Is that heavy, Sarge?

There's no room for your... Out. All the baggage. There's no room for you or

your baggage in there.

It's just for my trunk. Just put it in.

I've only got a little one, sir.

Come on, we're late. Come on, everything out.

I've weighed them three times with 75 keys open.

I've talked to the airline.

I've told them we were pre -shopped.

On operation, mate. Well, what's 75... What's that in old money?

It's 75 big bags of sugar. That's too much, isn't it?

Something's got to go here.

Gentlemen, if I have your attention, please.

Bones, will you open this bag, please? Let's see what you've got inside there.

No, close it. Close it, please.

Oh, it always smells like that.

Thank you.

This time it's hard. Please open the bag.

If you don't mind, let's see what you've got in there.

I'd rather not search it. Why not?

Oh, I'll open it. If you don't want to open it. Go in front of the cameras.

Hold on a minute, guys.

No, that's for surveillance.

Oh, I'm not going. Hold on, hold on. That's disgusting.

Oh, wait.

Oh, wait. I'll put it in the car next to me. Are we really using these things

once again?

You signed the chip first. I signed the chip? Yeah, he bought four of them.

I mean, is it morally correct?

Oh, he bought two males, two females.

This is a joke, isn't it?

Golf clubs?

It's not a holiday, it's a police operation. Get rid of them. No, I'm

explain to my uncle. He wants me to deliver them in Spain to his villa.

To the commissioner's clubs? Yeah.

I'm rather smart, aren't I, Taylor?

I might take a lesson myself in a moment.

Bill, well done. Nice and compact.

What's this?

It's a guitar.

I know it's a guitar. Get rid of it.

Thank you. He can take his clubs.

In terms of sugar, what would it be? Two lumps?

Four lumps.

Thank you. Leopard skin pants.

Not the leopard skins.

The leopard skin pants.

About the same, two, three, four? No, these are about two lumps. Two lumps,

okay, T -shirt.

Right.

One pair of pants, two lumps.

One pair of leopard skin pants, two lumps.

Passports for left -hand tickets, right, hold them up now, please.

Everybody got one? Good, thank you.

Have a look at that.

Do you want to see this? Yeah, let's have a look.

There he is.

We've got a real problem.

What is that? There's nothing like you.

No, it's a nine -year -old passport. It's the vaguest reason.

That's right.

Well, it is me. You're going to embarrass me. You're not going to get in

country with this.

I can't run that risk. You've got to do something about it now.

Okay,

good, guys. Come on.

We've got a slight hiccup.

It's too heavy.

He's not too heavy, Ray.

It is within the legal age. I can't explain to this young lady that he's not

heavy. I have been quite meticulous.

I have obeyed to the letter, the instructions of your airline.

Too heavy.

We have lost, as a group of people, we have lost 75 kilos to come on this trip.

And that's Mark Bagel. He has left his bag at home.

Oh, come on.

Unfortunately,

Mark has left his bag unattended.

I mean, I'm the first to admit, you know, I'm not the greatest policeman,

know, on the planet, but I think I could look anyone in the eye and say that I

think I have got a talent for dancing. I mean, it's like it just gives me an

energy. You know, like them porridge commercials where they had sort of

It's that it just completely envelops me.

I mean, I know it's very important that we're going out there for Operation

Zorro. But, I mean, I really wish it was the Europeans, you know, that I was

going out for.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Because I'm quite a fast dancer.

I mean, say, for instance, that speed like that, you know, it's quite

It wouldn't blur, would it, on that one?

No, no.

Do you think, sort of like that, or the Y -fronts? I mean, normally when I

dance, I'm sort of oiled. You know, like... I don't know, it's just...

like that would be better.

What, ribbed?

It's important that they're pink, because then they match.

See? Everything.

Thank you Quite

an

accident when I was a child

Or left testicle, it's been removed.

Please be alarmed, there's a strong explosion.

Please be alarmed.

What's it, Mark? Black or white?

Or both?

Eh?

That one.

For Beach, there are more troubles afoot.

It doesn't look like it's broken. It's a wheelchair.

Can you wiggle your toes, sir? A little, sorry.

That's it. Can you feel that?

Oh, my God.

Is it broken?

I'm sorry.

I dropped it on his foot.

It's so heavy, the thing. I was trying to prove to the ground start. It was

light. It dropped on his foot. You will be bloody sorry.

It's all around the instep area.

I need pain.

Quickly, please. I am in agony.

I wish you'd get a doctor. Please get me something, will you?

Have you ever noticed how horny you get in airports?

Do you know why that is?

It's because all the pheromones are released from the body.

Is it? Yeah, it's because of the excitement.

Well, ever since my loss, I've had a priapism anyway.

A what?

Constant erection.

These are special forces.

They're for gunshot wounds.

You know, like really, really heavy stuff. Do you know what I mean? There's

side effects. Yeah, they're called contraindications.

Nausea. Trimmers.

blurred vision, constipation, loss of coordination, blurred vision, and

hallucination.

Oh, charming.

You know what they are, don't you?

Pheromones. No.

It's something you give off a smell, and pigs have exactly the same... Oh, yeah,

yeah, I know what you're talking about, yeah.

So, what, if you sort of rubbed a pork chop all over your body, then it'd be

attractive? I don't know, you could try it, I suppose.

But it's like, they've got this new... They're actually trying to bottle it.

And if they can get it, mate, you will be like Casanova.

They could probably call it pig or something.

Excuse me, mate.

Can you explain to me why my bag's just been blown up?

I'm not being funny. I just left it over there and that's it.

That's my uncle's clubs.

That's £1 ,500 worth of clubs and you've just blown them up.

It's like, you know, what?

What are you going to do about it?

They think it's a bit of a liberty.

Eh?

Maybe you could do something with your testicle.

Yeah, but then I wouldn't have it, would I?

They could take a little, what do they call it, you know, a biopsy.

Well, they did anyway, a big biopsy.

Not the whole thing.

No, out of the jar, though. They took a bit of that, and you could find it to

isolate your pheromones.

Then you'd have women all over you.

Better than rubbing pig on you, isn't it?

All right, gather round, please.

Mark, come on, come in here.

Quickly, Mark. I don't have much time left.

What happened to your bag?

It got blown up, sir.

It's not funny. It's happening already. I'm seeing things.

All right, listen, please.

Seriously.

For the next 24 hours, you are not to obey any command I give to you here. You

must ignore every command I give for the next 24 hours. Is that perfectly clear?

Sir, is that including that one?

I'm relinquishing responsibility, relinquishing my command to Sergeant Ash

And Sergeant Ash will share command with the big white rabbit in the lederhosen.

The flight has not been without incident.

Yeah, you know, I wrestled him away from the pilot and he was fine. And we

landed and the chute went out and we all got down there safely.

And if he had his high heels on, it would have punctured it. But thank God

took them off.

He's fine.

Tell the truth that the governor, he let us down a bit on the plane. I mean,

I've taken a few of them special forces painkillers myself before.

All they did was kill the pain.

It's just completely running amok in the galley.

So obviously everyone sort of looked up.

He just went to go for the, you know, like the exit, emergency exit, and then

the steward rushed over, grabbed him.

Leave me alone!

Get the camera out of the way, will you?

I was in the toilet, and, you know, I heard all the ruckus going on. I came

I thought it was a mid -air hijack.

He'd come flying out of the toilet and grabbed the governor, didn't he? I know,

and then, you know, we found him.

He was a hijacker. He could have been... It's luck that we landed in Gibraltar,

because if he had landed in Spain, they would have shot us. Definitely.

They would have shot us bang, you know.

As an undercover police unit, the first task is to make contact with the local

MI6 operative.

He did the meeting point.

Even if it is the meeting point, mate, MI6 ain't going to come with the camera

in.

There's no way. The camera's not even disguised on that thing.

MI6. So where are we meeting MI6?

He's gone.

He's gone.

He might sweat all the toxins out, mightn't he?

Sir, I'll get you a nice little drink.

I won't give you a drink. I'll get you one later.

I'll get you one later.

Look, you all know the password that the government's given you. You all know

it. Go and use it. Go and find someone. Use it now.

Listen, take your hat off.

I

made

this password up myself.

I don't want to blow me on trumpet, I think it's very good.

Anybody who is working undercover will tell you that the more obscure the

password, the better it is.

And I'm quite proud of this one.

We're going where the sun shines brightly.

We're going where the sea is blue.

We've seen it in the movies.

Now let's see if it's true.

Right. Okay.

Are you the one?

No. Oh.

Everybody loves a summer holiday. Doing things they always wanted to. Fun and

laughter on a summer holiday will make our dreams come true for a week or two.

That's not him.

Ray, I'm feeling so much better. Just let me outside. No, no. You nearly got

I nearly let you out, but remember, remember, you give me specific orders

let you out, not to follow your orders.

You're not you.

You're not you.

Stop it.

Don't swear. You're not you.

He's not him. He's not.

We're all going.

We're going where the sun shines brightly.

We're going where the sea is blue.

At long last, contact is made with MI6.

Why are you late?

I see you've got the film through again. All right, guys, smart. What the bloody

hell are you doing here?

I'm the MI6 guy.

You what?

I work for MI6.

Joke! No.

Roy, Roy, unstrap me, will you?

If you work for MI6, get these straps off. Yeah, I can't really do anything

because I've got a password.

What's a password?

It's part of the process, MI6. I need a password. It's a summer holiday.

No, I need the whole thing. I need the whole song.

I don't know the whole bloody song, Roy. That's a password. You've got no

password.

We're going where the sun shines brightly. We're going where the sea is

I've seen it on the movies. Let's see if it's true. Who?

That second verse means the first verse.

So we're just here looking for undercover MI6 people. And that was the

Oh, right.

So we couldn't know if it seemed a bit mad.

Do you know who you remind me of? What?

You know that thing, the boy over there?

Yeah. You really, really look like him.

Really? Yeah. Do you think any Italian or Latin in you?

Not that I think of.

Yeah. I don't know, I must just be there.

Seen it on the movies.

Seen it at the movies.

Let's see if it's true.

Come on, Roy.

I've done that bit.

Everybody loves a summer holiday.

Doing things they always wanted to.

Fun and love grown up. Summer holiday.

Make their dreams come true.

For a week or two Am I sick?

Am I sick? No?

No. No. No.

Have another go.

Have another go.

There's no need for the F word. Would you kiss your mother with that mouth?

on. Oh, God, help me!

Do you want to meet up later on? Perhaps go for a drink or something like that?

Yeah. Yeah, sounds good.

What, you'd actually meet me for a drink?

Really?

Well, 40 years of age and I've never been out with a girl before.

I've asked them, but I've always refused.

And what you just witnessed, I asked that girl out for a drink and she said

Why this time, I don't know.

I'm over the moon, actually.

Over the moon.

It's lovely to see you guys again. It's lovely. It's been a long year.

Got a couple of hotels out here now. The good guys are staying at one of them,

actually. Quite a few people. And life's sweet, you know.

Then MI6 asked me to help out. I thought, why not?

Queen and country and all that. So, yeah, doing all right, you know.

Where are our rooms?

Well, they're staying in them. They're Belgian missionaries. They spend an

day being a bit of a cock -up at reception.

But this is your hotel, is it not? Yeah, but it's still at the brim.

You knew we were coming?

Well, yeah, technically, but they can't leave till the morning because they're

getting the train. So what are we supposed to do then?

Well, I thought you could sleep on these.

Look!

That's one of them, you know when they've got the dye in the swimming

know when you have a Jimmy Riddle? Look!

18 bucks, look!

That's classic.

You're like one of the Red Arrows, look.

A lot of smoke fading out.

I'll do a loop -the -loop.

All of my life I've been searching for a

love like yours To come knocking on my

heart's open door And so, I just feel that

I need to come clean with you, that's all.

About what?

It was quite difficult for me to say.

Don't tell me you're married.

No, no, no, it's not that.

It's just that, um... What? What is it?

Well, you still love me.

Look, they're laughing.

Was it one big joke on my part, or what? It wasn't a joke. I wanted to take you

swimming. What are you doing, taking the piss out of me or something like that?

I'm not taking the piss out of you.

Let's go, please.

No, I was just being honest with you.

If she really loved you, she would have loved you for your hair or not. Yeah,

well, she never did, she. She obviously don't like bald people.

Uncovered. Yeah, have your laugh, have your laugh. I just hope it don't happen

to any one of you. Can I pull the rug on him?

I'm going to have to change my lyrics now.

It's a tragedy now.

How could I know that you'll desert me?

Because I have no hair.

Right, now will you just do me a favour, Strings?

Just shut it, will you? Don't you like it? Shut it.

Andrew and all, go on, get away from me.

Gives it a tragic twist, Sarge.

And the BBC tends to agree.

a perfect idea, and I just wanted to give you a call about it. No, it'd be

great. It'd be absolutely great. I mean, I'm going to give it the full

production number, and I think it's going to be a summer hit. Please, trust

Really.

It's a tragic song.

Very good news. The BBC want to make this into a video, a top -class video.

There you go.

Yeah, but it's just to take the piss out of me, isn't it, basically?

I think it's excellent.

I think we should look at it like that. It wouldn't be a piss tape, would it?

No. See, Sarge?

It'll be like Robson and Jerome, because it's the B.

I'll do it to help you out.

But, you know, I know what you're doing.

Strings and ash, Sarge.

Robson and Jerome.

Look, come on, guys. Give it a go. Let's do this video. We should all be in it.

It'll be great.

Here you go.

Trust me.

Definitely don't.

I think so as well. I mean, I know what's going to happen. We're going to

really puffy.

No, no. You are the hunk element. You and Bill. To be honest, I'm not being

funny, Strings. I mean, if you don't mind, I mean... I'll do the

I mean, I'll make sure it's done properly. You're masculine choreography.

We're a bunch of conscious emplacements, aren't we?

It's got to be asymmetrical with energy. Do you get what I mean?

So everything's sort of got sort of a dynamism, almost like this. So I'm

like that, it's almost like... Like that, you know.

Do you get what I mean?

Maybe some spins.

And I think... I had this sort of image where we're sort of human dominoes, so

we're all lying.

We're all lined up along the beach and it's like, top, top, top, top, top, you

know. You know what I mean?

I've never known a girl that I could call

my own.

Give me strength and give me dignity.

Something...

No hair

Baldy Song is now available at All Good Record Shop.

What, Mark?

That video was puffy.

I wish I'd done it now.

Sixteen hours later, Beach was finally released, in time for lunch.

Bastards!

Next

week,

the team face off to their biggest challenge yet, Operation Zorro.