Original subtitles

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine...ten.

- No... - Yeah, ten £1.20s.

Guv, we get off at the stop before you.

Yeah, that's right. Make these three 90s, I suppose.

Can I get the cheap day return?

# The Good Guys! #

OK, as you're all aware, or should be at this stage, we've lost our transport.

But that's not the be all and end all.

In fact, we're going to have an open day

to raise awareness about what we're doing here, the good work we're doing.

The object of the exercise is to let those powers-that-be know we are doing good.

I've decided, em, whether wisely or not - I don't know, I think it's wisely -

that we're going to have an open day

to let everyone know exactly what we do.

Em, it's going to be a fun day, for everybody.

In order to do this, we need a very big show, a big splash,

lots of ideas from you, hopefully.

I've taken the liberty to invite a very good friend of mine to help us with this,

to bring his show business knowledge.

So give a warm welcome to Mr Big himself - Christopher Biggins!

A big round of applause - Christopher Biggins!

Good to see you! Hey, Jim! How are you? Nice to see you. Well, look!

This is going to be special! Hi, guys!

The Commissioner of Police will be coming. I'm speaking to him shortly.

I know he... I know he is coming.

And many other important guests, a few VIPs.

And what about you? You've dressed up, haven't you? Look at this. This is great!

This is exactly what we want.

We're going to take this Force and make something very special. Are we all in?

- Yes? Yes! That's good. Bigger! - Yes! Yes!

Terrific!

I didn't mention funds. It's nothing to do with money.

It's just to let people know what's happening. We'll have it right outside.

Just out there.

It's going to be a very, very exciting day.

Sarge, can you stand up, please?

I think he should be dressed. I mean, look at this dreary coat.

Can you stand up just here, please?

What does it mean? He should be more flamboyant.

- What's he doing now? - What are you doing, Bones?

Oi! No, no! What are you doing?

- What? - Is this an air gun? A bloody air gun!

- That's my act. - Were you going to fire that?

Get out of here! Out!

# I loves you, Porgy

# Don't let them take me... #

What about... # Mama's little baby eats short'nin'... #

No, no, the love interest is great.

- Why don't you...? - Excuse me, guv.

- This is, um, "Porgy and Bess", innit? - Yes.

- "Porgy and Bess". That's... - A famous opera.

- George Gershwin. - It's a black opera, black cast.

- Yeah. - George Gershwin's Jewish.

- So it's... - You think it's better with make-up on?

Black 'em up, you mean? Jesus Christ!

- What's the matter? - With white bits.

(STRUMS GUITAR)

# Then I saw you

# In the street that day...

# I love you, baby!

# Yes, I do! I do! I do!

# Yes, I do-o-o-o! #

Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to settle down and imagine you're hostages

in a hostage situation. And the iron hand of the law is about to intervene.

- Do you want me tied up? - Yeah.

- You be tied up. - Just for a bit of fun.

- Is it all right? - Do you think a few sequins...?

If we could jazz it up a bit.

Raid!

(CHRISTOPHER) Now, this is good!

- The white smoke... - Stay still! Stay still!

- It's not poisonous? - No.

Chris, what do you think about us having some music?

No, no, this end! No, this end! Follow my voice!

Hello? This way, this way.

That's it. Out you come.

I'm sorry! Mr Biggins, I'm really, really sorry.

Quick, get out! Get some oxygen!

Bring him round! Bring him round!

- I think he should go home at least. - Sorry, are you busy?

I've just got an idea about the open day. Can I come in?

- I just wanted... - Get out!

No, honestly, guv, just bear with me.

- This is Sherlock. - Mark, take it out.

No, guv, it's my uncle's dog.

Your uncle? The Commissioner's dog? Sherlock?

Say hello. I've just had an idea, right?

My uncle thinks the world of this dog. Right? Yeah?

What about if I go and teach this dog some tricks?

- Fences? - Fences, paws...

If he comes in to the open day and sees that we can train his dog,

he'll think, "These are main players."

Really?

Guys, I'm not being funny, but we're trying to work out what we're gonna do.

- Do you mind giving us five? - You'll put the dog off.

I'm a very experienced trainer, you see,

and if there's other people around,

it just confuses the line of command.

OK. No, I understand that.

Yeah, OK.

Thanks, yeah. Cheery-bye.

It's no. How are we doing?

It's looking very bleak, sir.

Bleak? How are we doing, Ray?

No one's coming. That's how bleak it is.

- Nobody? - No.

What we could do is get Sherlock to do a wall walk

down at the end of the showground. Put a titbit...

Bones, let's just keep it simple.

Something like paw and belly. Just keep it simple.

What about abseiling her out a window?

There must be... Give me another name.

- Johnny Blick. 741... - What's the prefix?

0171, sir. 0171 741 4049.

- You'll have to put your money in. - I put the money in! Look, come here.

- What does that say? - "Pay on answer". Sorry.

- Wait. Wait. - Go to Bones. Sit.

Go to Bones. Go on. There you are.

- So we've got one, ain't we? - Good dog!

Sherlock... Sherlock! Sherlock!

Come here! (BLEEP) Come here! Sherlock! Come here!

A bloody machine! Come on, give me some more. Lady...?

- I phoned her. - Fiona Boyce.

I phoned her up. She slammed it down.

- In, out, jump, jump. Got it? - Come on, then. Come on, girl.

In...out...jump...

- Go on, then. Go on, over. - Jump.

Sherlock, come on. Over. Sherlock! It's just no good.

The guv'nor's asked us for ideas,

so I've had the idea to stage a hostage sort of situation

involving action vehicles, the A.R.T. over there. Boo-Boo and Gary will help out.

And I've spoken to Christopher and he said I can direct it. I'm quite excited.

- Just bring her through it. - You go through it, then. Let's go.

Come on! Good girl! That's the one, innit?

Stop the car! Stop that car!

Oi, you! Get out! Come on! Out the car!

- Gary! Gary! - Where are you, guys? Come on!

- How can you do this to me, Gary?! - What's she doing here?

Are you shacked up with her? Dirty old trollop!

Gary, I hate you!

He'll piss in your wardrobe!

And let me tell you something else!

Let me tell you about this man! He is disgusting!

Yeah, let's go in. We'll go inside. We'll do it inside.

Well, the rigours of being creative. Eh? See, that was Gary's wife out there.

Going mad. He's got trouble at home.

She's driven us inside to rehearse now.

And, eh...you know, it's not the same.

We can get it together in there. I'm creative, as you know.

I'm taking it seriously, this opportunity that Christopher Biggins has given me,

personally. And no one else is taking it seriously.

The A.R.T. are mucking about. There's no focus.

I'm supposed to pull that in, get the focus and get the show on.

The show must go on. You guys are great, though. Just stick with it, yeah?

- That's it. Let's light it. - Go on, then.

And it will rise above that, or should do if you got it right.

- Tastes nice? - Could be a bit sweeter. It's all right.

They're just hanging, Ray.

- They haven't got any helium in them. - We can't afford helium.

- Ah, but... - Keep them away from the jam.

If we put them on bits of wire, it looks like helium.

(HUMMING)

Can you get the camera down?

As Keith Floyd would say, the food is the star of the show, not us.

Can you get that?

I've got one here... Not one I made before, but I'm cobbling two together

to get a very good-looking cake.

(HUMMING)

Take two and...action!

Stop the car!

Easy! That's a bit violent! You kicked him in his jaw!

Can we do it again?

Take three... And take five...

One more take. I'm really serious.

And...take 12. And...action!

All right, stop the car! Stop the car!

Go! Go! Go! Gun! Gun!

Right, you, come here!

- (KIM) Oh, God! - Hold on! You've broken me gun!

Oh! That's it!

You can't do anything!

It's broken my gun! You...!

It's going to be a shambles now 'cause you were mucking about.

Hah...

Make sure the wings... Oh, all right. OK.

Thank you. In order for the wings to stay on,

we have to add this mixture here.

- I was only trying to help. - It's all right. You can have the bowl.

Now...

Popping the wings on the... Oops! ..on the top there.

Et voilà ! One fairy cake.

- Bones, I think we're on a winner. - More petrol, do you think?

- Open your eyes. - Open them now?

- I like it! - Great! That's the world's first.

Look. A Smiler McCarthy shy.

Knock Smiler's teeth out for a pound, sir.

- Here we go. ..Close enough! - What a shot!

I just, honestly...

All the flames and... We just thought we'd push the dog through and...

And the dog sort of... It sort of jumped, but it sort of...

It just all went black.

We tried to pat it out, but it just...

Is it completely dead?

Um...

Of course it's completely dead! It stinks of petrol.

Right, right, listen.

Everyone. I'm just gonna ask one favour, OK?

Now...are you gonna do this for me?

We've got to keep this under wraps.

For a couple of days. We've got the open day coming up. It's a very big day for us.

It's an unfortunate thing, an accident. It could have happened to anyone.

And please, please, keep this under wraps until we have time

after the big open day to break it to the...to the Commissioner.

In the right atmosphere and right surroundings. Yeah?

- So turn the camera off... - It's amazing how heavy it is.

Put it away somewhere out the way. Put it in the cupboard or something.

I'm as sorry as anyone about this.

I mean, no one wants to kill anything, do they, when the...

..in the course of their work?

It would have been a good trick, though.

Now, men, the hostage show is gonna be great, but it's not quite there yet.

Where it is, it's there. It's not...there!

- What colour would I be in? - I think yellow would be great.

It just sort of has a feel for you. And I think red for you.

And a lovely vivid blue for you. It would really bring out your eyes. Wonderful.

- 'Ere, this is, this is... - I know what you're saying.

- But just go along with it. - Just follow it through.

- But we'll dress up. - Dress up all you like.

Strings is directing the show.

- Is that all right with you? - Perfect.

- I've done entertaining before. - So I heard.

Hold on. What are we dressed in, then?

I think the sergeant's made a good point.

They would be wearing that. They're not comfortable...

- Fine! You sort it out! - Is that all right?

- Christopher! - We'll compensate...

You sort it out! Whatever you feel happy to wear!

It was a working dog. It would want the open air, the open spaces.

All right. Come on, let's just do it.

(KIM) Somewhere in the nice sunshine.

# Now, don't you tell it to the trees They might tell the birds and bees... #

- It's my song. - I don't think so, Ray, but good try.

Do you think I need a touch of make-up?

Well, it can help. Are we going to be videoing this on the day?

- A record for all of you to keep? - Good idea.

- I think so. - There is the documentary crew.

Fine. I think you do. We need to flatten out the face, then put a bit on.

Get rid of those pock marks, freckles. Do a bit of eye make-up.

And what we could... Well... There's something missing with you, Ray.

And I have the very thing! It'll look great.

What's that, then?

I've very rarely seen D.I. Beach get stressed out like this week. It's a big day.

It hasn't gone to plan. It's a bit thin on the ground with Joe Public.

However, I think they will come.

Roll up! Roll up! Come and meet your local undercover police squad!

Free fairy cakes for each person!

The important thing is that the Commissioner sees what we're doing.

And we get results. If you just look over my shoulder, you can see...

..the kind of thing that we're talking about here. Sorry.

And, um...

It's not really essential that we get a lot of people here. What is essential

is we get the right people here. And I think we've got the right person.

The person I want to see what we do.

As long as he's aware, that's all that matters to me.

Roll up! Roll up! Knock the smile off Smiler's face! £1.50 a coconut!

Come and get your cakes! Home-made cakes, made by the guv'nor of the unit.

And I make the best fruitcake this side of London. So come on!

- There you go. That's £1.50, please. - It's me that wants a go.

- Let him have a go. - You gave him the ball!

That's it. And the next one.

Wey-hey-hey!

Unlucky, madam.

Unlucky. I'll tell you what. Another three goes and you can have a coconut.

- That's not a winner. It's 22. - Nine, six and seven is 21.

No, it isn't. Hang on. Nine and seven is 16. And six is 22.

- 21 wins. Not 22. - Well, there's no need to be...

An accountant (!)

Roll up! Roll up! Knock the smile off Smiler McCarthy's face. £1.50.

- Hello, Uncle! How you doing, mate? - Mark, good to see you, boy.

- Hello, sir. Beach. Nice to see you. - Good to see you.

- Where's Sherlock? I've been worried. - He's here somewhere.

- Inspector Beach. Chrissie, my wife. - I've got a pair of tights that colour.

- Everything OK? - Yeah, really good. Come on.

- We've got the BBC making a film. - Really? I didn't know about that.

(CHRISSIE) I'm really worried.

Sergeant Ash and Christopher Biggins.

- Very nice to see you. - I didn't know you'd be here.

- My wife Chrissie. And you are...? - Ash.

- This is my wife Chrissie. - Very nice to see you. And this is...?

- Poodle Watson. Sherlock's brother. - Aww, hello. Hello, Poodle.

- Mark, can we find Sherlock? - Yeah, he's been very fretful.

- Are the BBC here all day? - They've been here for several weeks.

(MARK) Can I get anyone a coffee?

- Perhaps the lady... - I'm completely useless.

- Go on. Let me take Watson. - I'll hold the last one.

Watson would be better at this than me!

Oh! Very near! Oh!

One more.

- I think the lady wins a prize. - I didn't get near.

- A prize, Ray. - She didn't knock it off.

- Oh, very nice (!) - No, a bigger prize, Ray.

- That's the biggest we've got. - Anything bigger? A special prize.

- Is the big stuff under here? - No! No, sir. That's not a prize.

Don't be silly! Come on, Ray. This is fun, Ray. Come on.

It should have been a coconut. Sir...

- There we go. - Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Commissioner, gathered guests, you see before you

the motorcycle pyramid!

- Marvellous! Very, very good. - (APPLAUSE)

This is a very, very tricky exercise.

It would look quite sensational if we had a motorbike.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

(LIP-SYNCHING - BADLY - TO RECORD ) # If there were no crowd, Bess

# If there was only...

# ..just you and Porgy

# What then?

# I loves you, Porgy!

# Don't let them take me! #

(HOWLING)

# I loves you, Porgy! #

What is this? What is it?

What is this?

("PORGY AND BESS" CONTINUES)

Fantastic! Bravo! Bravo!

More! More! More! Darlings, wonderful!

They've been rehearsing for weeks.

(WHISPERED CHAT)

Ladies and gentlemen, we come to the finale of today's activities.

What you're going to witness today is everyday work for us, I'm afraid.

Violent criminals, em, in desperate situations.

Now, you're going to hear cars chasing, the crackle of gunfire,

but please don't be alarmed. We are in complete control of the situation.

OK. And...action!

- The robber you see... - Stop the car!

- This is a stick-up! Get out the car! - Damn! What's up, brother?

- Yo, yo, yo, what's up? - Stay still!

(STRINGS) Oh, no, it's the rozzers!

(BEACH) He's completely surrounded. Shoot him, De Sade.

- Put the weapon down! - Hold on.

Gary's missus turned up.

If my missus had turned up like that there'd be a slapped botty tonight.

Maz knows. Eh, Maz? You said you weren't gonna print that.

Naughty boy.

- Why are you doing this to me? - 'Cause I love you!

- You won't come home. - There's no need...

Can you do this in five minutes?

- You're showing me a deep hate! - I love you!

Five minutes. Can we finish the scene?

Can we just finish the scene?

- I don't care! Gary, please come home. - There's no need. I love you, baby.

What you gotta do now is go home...

- I want to take you home! - We introduced an element of realism.

Something the Commissioner didn't expect as well.

I think it's concluded the day's activities with, er, quite a dramatic finish.

Well, that's it. Well done. Give yourself a big round. Come on.

Terrific show. I've enjoyed myself. I hope you enjoyed doing it.

But let's not get too starry. We've got proper work to do.

I do appreciate that when you've done a performance like this,

there's always an adrenaline rush. It takes time for you to come down.

So...you're a normal person now, just take it easy. Chris, something to add?

I have, I have. All stand up. Could you stand up?

Just relax, throw yourself around.

- Let's have a nice bend over. - I can't do that in these trousers.

Just do it seated. And as you come up, nice big breath.

And as you take the air out of your body, say, "I am not a star.

"I am normal." Here we go.

I am not a star! I am normal.

Here we go. Down again, down again.

Well, it's been an interesting day.

I've enjoyed myself immensely and I've won a prize,

and we'll review the whole situation, but we've had a lot of fun, certainly.

Sorry.

(ALL) I am not a star!

I am a normal person.

Very good. Down again.

The funding situation for this operation? It's unfair for me to comment about that.

Obviously, I'm optimistic that we can do something about it

and I'm sure everything will be fine.

(CHRISTOPHER) That's it. Marvellous. Do you feel better? Here we go.

(ALL) I am not a star!

I am a normal person.

I don't really think I can answer any more questions now. Thank you to the BBC.

It's very heavy, this.

Ray, why didn't you tell me? Why did you make me...?

- You must have known what was there! - I tried to tell you. You shut me up.

I tried.

Hopefully he won't recognise it.

- It looks like a labrador. A black one. - Shut up!

# Ready or not, here I come

# I'm gonna get you

# Ready or not, here I come

# I'm gonna get you

# Ready or not, here I come

# I'm gonna get you, get you, get you

# I'm gonna get you

# Get you! #

(WHISPERED ) The Commissioner.

Commissioner.

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