Original subtitles

As you can see, we've finished planting some hidden surveillance cameras

around Smiler McCarthy's property.

We have to be very, very quiet.

- De Sade? - Yeah?

- Where's your hand? - I've got them both here.

- There's a dog! - Ssh!

- He's going to the toilet. - Quiet, mate.

Aah! He's got my arm! Aah! (BLEEP)

You can't shoot it, boys. Can't shoot it.

Do something. Get on the talkie.

- We need a dog handler... - Anything!

- And a medic. - It's gone down to the bone!

# The Good Guys! #

OK, excuse me. Pay attention.

Please, all listen up, as they say in the US of A.

We've got a visitor with us today, Lou Farino. Lou "Frisk 'Em" Farino,

as he's more commonly known, from NYPD. He's over here from the States

to tell us how they do things over there. So, please, make him feel at home.

New York's finest, Lou Farino.

(GARY) Go, Louie! Go, Louie! Oo! Oo! Oo! Oo!

Ssh! Gary!

I could show you now. We have a book, "Frisk 'Em". Can you get that on camera?

A bit of glow from the light, but it's "Frisk 'Em" by Lou Friskham-Farino.

I'm very impressed by this man. I'm glad to have him here.

He's going to show our troupe here

a few home truths and also a bit of extras as well.

(A NERVOUS COUGH)

I like the American way of doing things. I like our way too, but we can learn

from across the pond, across the water. This is a "hands across the water" thing.

We've got a lot to offer as well. Em, but we need a bit of punch in our exercise

and I think Lou's going to bring that to this operation.

(FIRES SEVERAL SHOTS)

Aaaah! He's a nutter!

In New York, that's how we get your undivided attention.

- That's why we live 'ere. - Stupid. We're in London.

Yes, it's true. The Americans do things a little differently than we do.

We've got to embrace that, learn from it.

It isn't like the movies. They don't charge in. It's not "Streets of San Francisco".

It's not all, "Freeze, buddy!" It's not quite like that.

But whatever they've got to offer, we've got to take that on board, use it

and see where it gets us. I welcome Lou Farino being here.

I've apologised to them upstairs, sir.

They've got the hump. The bullet... You know the nice lady?

- Joyce? - Yeah. She's claiming for her handbag.

- Honestly, I don't think it went through. - We can send them another desk.

- Are we insured for that? I mean... - A word.

So what are their names, these three?

This one is Flossy, Julian and Bobtail.

Flossy's the mother. She's my favourite. She's been with me the longest.

- Are they any particular breed? - Rabbit breed.

There is $500,000 in this bag.

This is what we're gonna use

to nab Smiler McCarthy.

Are you not taking it to the Bureau de Change?

On no account, and I must stress this,

on no account does anybody open this bag.

And I'll tell you why.

This money, this half million dollars,

will go to Smiler McCarthy

to buy twenty million pounds English sterling UK money.

- Counterfeit money? - Counterfeit money.

Now, inside the bag...

is aluminum dye.

Silver aluminum dye.

When he opens this bag, ba-boom!

It's all over him. He can't get away from it. We've got him with the dye.

We've got him with the dye on the money and he's in the slammer!

(GARY) Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah!

Yeah, yeah.

Don't get me wrong. They seem really nice, but can they cut the mustard?

Whoa, whoa, let me stop you there.

I don't know how you do things in the US of A, mister, but we take great pride

in recruiting the élite. What you see out there is the top 3%...

(STRINGS) Jesus Christ!

(INTERVIEWER) Why did you open it?

I just wanted to see $500,000.

I mean, when am I ever gonna have the chance to open a bag and see all that?

So I just thought, "Bosh!" And then... I look like I'm from the Wizard of Oz.

It's a mistake anyone could make. We've got it under control.

De Sade, pick these off the floor, please.

Stick 'em like that and when they're dry, they drop off.

Please, please... Can you get out?

Out. Out!

Oi! You've got one stuck to your foot!

I think we probably spoke earlier about the sort of qualities

that are required for a crack élite unit such as this. Em...

I'd like to add something to that. I think the people I've chosen for this job

have a rather unique ability

in that they don't just leave their work in the locker when they go home.

But equally importantly, they don't bring their personal problems into work,

em, and that makes them

very, very special indeed.

(NAGGING VOICE ON PHONE)

Gary! Can you hear me?

I said why don't you come over to the window? I've got a pair of your pants.

Baby, darling...listen...

Um, listen...

- Are you sure? - Yeah. Just fine.

- No problem? - None at all. Just the wife.

They're Tuesday pants! I haven't got a clue. Perhaps you can explain to me.

Who's that?

We all have our own personal problems. My mother might be angry with me,

but I don't bring it into work because I'm a professional and so are these guys.

They're like G-Men. He'd have been very proud of us.

Like that, yeah.

- What have you guys got? What is this? - It's a surveillance camera.

You know, they make cameras now so small that you can't even see them.

He can't go into the pub with this under his arm. The suspect's gonna see it!

- Come on, guys. Don't... - Why not use this camera (?)

Look, I'm undercover, guys! Hey, I'm undercover!

- You're abusing... - Idiot!

..the freedom I've given you now, so if you don't mind.

I can see, but you're being masked.

- What's that, sir? - A theatrical term for not being seen.

- Blocked. - Let me explain what's going on.

We can't use the silver money, of course. Well, for obvious reasons.

We have got the opportunity to get the information

about when Smiler gets the money.

Gary's inside the pub now to get it out of someone.

With your state-of-the-art equipment (!)

Nothing wrong with the equipment. OK?

- You comfy? That's good. - A bit like James Bond.

Some have two sun roofs. They call it "dual".

Eh, can I have... Can I have a whisky, please?

A large one. Cheers, mate. Ta.

- With ice? - No, straight up. Thank you.

That's him. He's made contact.

Yeah, basically, what I wanted to know was, um...

..was, eh... When do you think the cash is gonna arrive?

Can I have another one?

- He whipped that down a bit quick. - Better not let Leyton know!

- See the football? - Yeah, what a match!

The Arsenal.

Do you really think a back four over thirty are gonna win the Championship?

Can I have another one, please? Ta.

- Think he's drinking too much? - Ssh!

So my wife, right, my wife...

Silly cow!

I'm a painter and decorator. I work all hours...

That's brilliant.

They don't stop nagging. She wants...

He's not doing what he's supposed to.

He's behaving the way any other drunk would at a bar. Naturally.

Love her, though. No, I do. I love her.

I love her... I love her 'cause she's a silly cow!

(LOU) He's doing what a drunk would do because he's drunk!

Know what I mean?

- No, he's putting it on. - He's had about ten Scotches!

No, he's got hollow legs, mate.

You! Oi!

SHUT IT!

All right? Who's your bird? Where did you find her? Can I have a go?

- (VOMITING) - Jesus Christ! ..Right!

- You want information? I'll show you... - Put the gun away!

I'll put a cap in that sorry bastard's ass!

- No, put the gun...! - Come back here!

Don't slam the door! He's a very violent man, sir.

You, hands on the bar! Get away!

Now...

I know you're Smiler McCarthy's boy.

Tell me what I wanna know or I'll blow your goddamn head off!

- Just wait here! - Don't scratch it!

That's how we do things back home. You ought to read my book again.

(ASH) Oh, you bloody animal! Get off of my brand-new car!

I think in this business you really have to have the ability to cut out emotion completely.

Remain icy cool. Calm, collected.

People might call us not very human, but it's the way we get the job done.

It's hard-hitting, action-packed stuff...

- Morning. - Morning.

- What's going on here? - I'm, er...

This is my office. It's my private office.

For my private use.

What are you doing here? It's 7.45 in the (BLEEP) morning.

Who let you in? Where did you get keys?

Comfortable, are you? Make yourself at home, why don't you (?)

Ray! Ray?

- Sir? - Come here!

You, Sonny Jim, are out of order! Barging in my private office and using it

to promote your bloody book! I've got a book about this operation! MY operation.

Not some cheap, trashy novel! A proper book!

We've got some... Let's see.

Em, fresh lemons. ..Oh, hello.

Em, what I'm doing is I made a concoction that I believe

will take the indelible dye from our faces. I'll show you what's in it, shall I?

We've got some granulated sugar. About two ounces, like that.

See that? Some extra virgin olive oil. Very important.

Very good for moisturising the skin. Just a little drop of that. Just a soupçon.

Some Worcester sauce. A few drops.

Oh! That's too much. Just a little bit.

Not too much. I got a secret chemical ingredient - the tip of the day.

And...to finish it off, some ordinary concentrated household bleach.

Just dab a little... Starting at the edges, working your way in.

- Circular motions I find best. - That's stinging, Sarge.

That's all right.

- No, it's... - Just work it through...

(GARY) It's bubbling a bit!

- What's that smell? - It's going pink.

- You all right? - It's burning, Sarge! Yeah!

Come over here. It's all right.

Ah! It's burning me, Sarge!

Have you, eh...? Someone get me some water, please!

- Get some water. - Quickly! Get some water!

There's smoke!

We now know that £20 million of counterfeit notes

will be on Smiler McCarthy's premises on Wednesday the 5th.

McCarthy's house, by the way, is... West London. This is the...A40.

Basically, it's here.

We know that we've got a small window of opportunity, about half an hour.

But we're going to be there and we're gonna surround that place.

Very quietly, under cover of darkness. And wait.

I'm just very pleased, 'cause in a quiet moment the guv'nor has said

that he's going to give us - well, me personally - the means to protect myself,

which means for the first time that I'll be issued with a firearm.

(SNIGGERS)

Ha-ha-ha!

Ohh... Oh, dear.

That's it. Bang-bang.

All right, then. There's just one more thing.

Something quite personal to me. I don't know if you know this. Ray knows.

There's a bit of gypsy in me, on my mother's side, going back 1,000 years.

And I'd like to do an old Romany custom,

which is to give you each one of these.

A charm to ward off anything unpleasant that might come your way. Bones.

- Sir, I bought a shoulder holster, sir. - We'll talk about weaponry later.

- Mark, one for you. - What's the furry thing, sir?

It's a rabbit's foot.

Gary. Gary, take it, please. Put it on. That's an order.

(STRINGS) Shall we wear them later?

You can wear them now. That's for you, Ray. All righty.

So, there we go.

Now, as the Americans say, "You be careful out there." Good luck, everyone.

Not quite what you expected, Bones.

Now you all know what I feel like a little bit.

Anything for a change of luck for me!

- (CHARMS JANGLING) - We'll go to the Communications Room.

- Make sure everything's A-OK. - All right, Ray?

- Thanks, Sarge. - All right, Sarge.

Look on the bright side, boys. You'll never get lost up a mountain, will you?

No, it's not that they don't like them.

- I mean, they're lovely. Works of art. - Bloody ingrates, that's what they are!

No, it's the noise. That's the general consensus.

- Very difficult to move about... - (JANGLING)

Rabbits' feet weren't made to hang round my neck, as far as I'm concerned.

You know, rabbits' feet, they were made for walking.

That was a beautiful animal once.

That's all there is to show for it.

It's an order! Bloody well tell them they're wearing them. And it's an order from me!

(DIN OF JANGLING)

OK, we've now established headquarters in this van. This is the HQ van.

We're positioned outside Smiler McCarthy's house.

Always got to be prepared on these.

It gets long, tiring, tedious, it gets boring even sometimes. It certainly gets cold.

I always wear a pair of tights. Women's tights.

Keeps you warm at night, it's essential.

All right, it may look a little daft - a bit of a Nora Batty going on here.

Straighten that out. But it keeps you warm, does the trick.

Welcome to Fairy Land (!)

(BONES) Shall I order a pizza, sir?

Mr Farino, would you like a pizza?

This is what we call a classic piece of misinformation.

Em, no disrespect to Lou Farino, but this happens sometimes

where we've got the wrong date, wrong time. The money isn't going to turn up.

Em, so perhaps the strong-arm tactics that Mr Farino used in the pub

weren't necessarily the best ones.

Em, the American hard-hitting way doesn't always hit the target.

Stay where you are.

- Back off! - Don't approach him.

Farino is approaching the drive. Over.

Beach to all units. Do not approach. Repeat, do not approach.

Come on! Move it! Quick!

Get 'em up! Up! Up! Up!

Get over there! Get down on the ground! On your knees!

He is armed. McCarthy in custody. Over.

We've got a hostage situation now.

This is my bag, lads. Stay here. I'll sort this out.

- Shall I come, sir? - No, I'm trained.

- Lou, listen very carefully... - Shut up!

(ASH) Stop it! Stop it! Lou, please.

We need some communications going.

- There's nothing I can do. - Get me something.

- Ray? - Yes, sir?

Let me do the talking. OK?

- But... Are you sure, sir? - I'm trained.

Shut up! Hey, did he get my pizza yet?

Did you get his pizza? Get the bloody pizza!

- Lou, I want to talk about your mother. - What about her?

I want to go back to those tender, caring, carefree days...

..when... Were you breast-fed or bottle-fed?

Experts say if you were breast-fed, your personality is more rounded.

Really?

I was tinned, myself.

(ASH) Sir?

Do you remember that song we all used to sing?

Keep your chin up, sir. Remember Rolfie, sir?

# Do you think I would leave you lying... #

Everybody.

# When there's room on my horse for two

# Climb... # Keep it up, sir.

# And don't be dying

# I can go just as fast with two

# When we grow up we'll both be soldiers

# And our horses will not be toys

# And to think it's that I remember

# When we were two little boys # I can't go on!

Well, gentlemen, this thing has exploded out of all proportions.

The world's attention is upon us now.

I think it's very important that we create an exclusion zone,

a ring of steel. I want an icy moat of man-eating sharks.

Above all, I want the press kept out. OK?

- Give him an order. - I could order you to put that gun down.

What? Like you ordered me a pizza?

I'm not going to. I know you've got a problem and what that problem is, Lou.

- What's my problem? - You think only you have problems.

- "I Don't Give A Damn". - Yeah.

- That's the song. - Got it.

- Do you remember it? - Yeah. Number One, wasn't it?

No. Well, in the indie charts it was. Not...

- It's a mobile phone. - Yeah.

He's got one as well. Press 2. Watch my phone bill.

- It was the Bootleg Angels. - What a band!

- 1977. Throbbing Gristle, Gonads... - Right. They were supporting us.

Golden rule - don't give him anything unless you get something back in return.

Hello? Hello?

- Lou? Lou, it's Ash. Listen, mate... - I can't hear you!

It's Ash!

- Ash? - We've got to talk. Listen to me.

- Is there anything I can get you? - Where are you?

I'm over here.

(LOU) What the hell are you on the telephone for?

Hey, hey, get me some...mineral water.

Get me the French stuff. None of that Irish crap. I'm more partial to the French.

Get something in return? Give me Beach's hat.

- No! Something bigger. - And his trousers.

I don't know. I haven't done this before.

OK, OK, you got a deal. You got a deal.

But whoever brings the water comes unarmed or I'll pop him.

- We're gonna take... - Dom, I got his hat, tie, trousers.

- Christ, it's a bit small. - It's a bit little.

It'll be all right. It's deep pan.

- It's all we've got. Got the pill? - But the pill's nearly as big as that!

- It'll be fine. - Don't overdo it.

He might feel sick.

Are we meant to be crushing them up?

We've gotta crush them up. It looks like Smarties!

- No, it'll be all right. - I can't.

I'm not putting my guv'nor's life in jeopardy with that.

- Don't overdo it. - Double portions. All right.

- How long will that take to work? - Do your stuff, boys. Good luck.

- Sarge? How long? - Dunno. Just sit it out and see.

I'm quite hungry myself, actually.

That wouldn't fill your tummy, would it? The size of that. That's a medium.

I wonder what the small one is like.

Pineapple? I'll have it if you don't want it.

- Be my guest. - Thank you.

(BEACH) # I said who-o-o... #

Hey, your boss has eaten the pizza.

He seems very happy. Did you put a little Prozac in the pepperoni or something?

Goddamn assholes!

# Who do you think you are? #

The siege in the West London home of Hugo McCarthy has come to an end.

It appears the gun carried by Lou Friskham-Farino has turned out to be a fake.

Farino, whose autobiography is an overnight best-seller,

is now receiving psychological evaluation and $1 million for his film rights.

Mr McCarthy is suing the police for a similar sum.

Don't forget to buy my book. £17.50, in the shops from Monday.

- It's a really good read! - Shut it! You're nicked! Get in!

It'll be out in paperback soon!

Shut that door!

It's... It's been a busy day.

Listen, I've got to call this to a conclusion. He's had a hard day.

Thanks. You can turn it off now.

# That's me in the corner

# That's me in the spotlight

# Losing my religion... #

# Ready or not, here I come

# I'm gonna get you

# Ready or not, here I come

# I'm gonna get you

# Ready or not, here I come

# I'm gonna get you, get you, get you

# I'm gonna get you

# Get you! #

Another one of Ash's top tips of the day is simply wash the money.

Sarge, the money's breaking up! Disintegrating!

Open the door!

- It's on a cycle. - Open the bloody door!

Oh, no!

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