Original subtitles

OK, what you just witnessed was a J-turn, through 180 degrees.

It's a very skilled thing.

It allows us to take evasive action. Ray, just past the cars.

This tends to frighten the public a bit, so we watch it. Ray will reverse at speed.

All right, now.

- No, Ray! Stop! - Did I hit her? Did I hit her?

Are you all right, love?

Call an ambulance - now.

Ray!

- Is she breathing? - Yes!

♪ The Good Guys! ♪

It could have been an awful lot worse. It really could.

That young lady is very fortunate that it was us that were coming along

and not a normal motorist. At least we're trained.

Had it been a non-professional in that situation, it could have been carnage.

- That's right, isn't it? - Yes, sir.

Let's stick to what we agreed to talk about. We've got serious police matters,

and I hope you're going to make a serious film about this.

So let's stick to the agenda we have, shall we?

OK, gentlemen,

Detective Inspector Beach.

(ONE PERSON APPLAUDS)

London, as we know it.

- Sir. - A warren... No. A warren of crime.

A hotbed of crime.

Some of it petty, some of it not.

It's the not-so-petty that we're interested in.

Mr McCarthy deals in anything nasty.

We want to put a stop to this.

That's why we created Operation Good Guys. McCarthy is the Teflon Don.

Er, if I can say Teflon.

Don't want to advertise anything.

But nothing sticks to him. And we've got to make something stick.

This is the chap we're dealing with - the gentleman, if we can call him that.

- Smiler McCarthy. - Cor! Crime pays, sir!

- (LAUGHTER) - All right, calm down.

Yes, he does like to be seen with lovely ladies - and not his mum and his auntie.

- Now... - (LEWD CHEERS)

We want people from all parts of the Force. Specialists.

So we've picked a crack crew here. Our Good Guys.

I'm D.I. Beach's right-hand man, you see.

I've always worked with D.I. Beach. Life without D.I. Beach to me is no life at all.

To draw a simile on my job, if you think of "Star Trek",

you know Jean-Luc Picard and Colonel Riker? I'm Colonel Riker of the two.

I'd better be going. Warp Factor Nine!

(ENGINE STALLS)

See ya.

Yes, it's quite exciting working with D.I. Beach. I know I am his first choice,

as far as getting staff together is concerned. I've got quite a good history.

I've worked all over the country. Being a black copper hasn't held me back

except when I did an undercover job in Shropshire,

where it was kind of obvious that I wasn't local. I couldn't quite fit in.

It's just an honour to be chosen for this team. I was the guv'nor's first choice.

And, eh, it's a bit like being chosen to play for the Rolling Stones or something.

It doesn't get any better than that.

One of the officers was my first choice. Very pleased to have him. Young Mark.

I'm delighted that he's on board.

(CAMERAMAN) The Commissioner's nephew?

Yes. Yes, he is the Commissioner's nephew. Very good officer.

I've just come out of Hendon,

which is like a college where you go before you sort of get your badge.

I won the five-a-side tournament there. Pretty good. Got a sort of medal for that.

Em, you know, that sort of stuff. You do all sorts of stuff, like police-y things.

So I've done that. Mm.

(BEACH) Quite frankly, I don't care what their religion, creed,

race is. They can be black, yellow, white.

They can walk around in suspender belts. They can do what they want.

As long as they do the job properly, that's all I'm concerned about.

OK. Was that good? Was that all right for you? Yeah?

It's very confusing when you see something like this over your head.

Let's get to the McCarthy family tree.

Here they all are. A pretty foul bunch.

Let me just put this up... Ready, Ray?

I'll take it up. Thank you. All righty.

And the reason we've had this hand-picked team is that in many cases

units aren't actually working together in a coherent cohesion.

So, gentlemen, there you have it. The McCarthy family tree.

Let's move swiftly along now.

The other major tool that you have at your disposal

is the mainframe computer here.

He'll rue the day Bill Gates was born.

Excuse me, sir... Who's Bill Gates?

- Windows... The computer Window guy. - Like Ted Moult?

No. In California. I think it's California, anyway. American gentleman.

I will demonstrate to you now how easy it is to get into this system.

What's wrong with it? Something wrong.

- Did you try...? - What?

(WHISPERS)

It's not doing anything. Can I have a word?

(BLEEP)

It all seems to be going wrong!

The purpose of the operation we're setting up today is to, um...

..put Mr McCarthy behind bars.

- He's got Mega Death! - Mega Death II !

- It's for my nephew. - Go on.

Oh, yes!

Oh, yes...

Oh! What's the fire button?

No need to spend money needlessly.

It's an ordinary bar of soap. No need for it to be wet. Just pop your pins in there,

and if you use knitting or sewing needles, they glide through the fabric.

'Cause they're coated in soap. There. Uncle Ash's tip of the day.

That's fascinating. Thanks, Sarge.

I'm here as the accountant for the unit

to ensure every penny is accounted for.

Get him outta here or I'm gonna kill him! I mean it! There's gonna be a death!

I'm not here to be popular or not popular.

I'm here to do my job. It's quite lonely.

I wanna kill him! He's been picking on me!

Pack it in! I'm telling you. It's an order. Pack it in.

I don't normally react like that. It's just him. I'm so tired.

I've been out there for three nights, sir.

It's dead out there. Three solid nights. I've come up against a brick wall.

Honestly, no one is talking. Smiler's got everybody scared.

- And I think... - It's my back in these shoes!

You need something with a thicker denier. Something like a 40.

- If Leyton will pay for it! - Don't worry.

Every villain has his Waterloo.

And, eh, McCarthy will get his, too.

There was Eliot Ness,

J Edgar Hoover, Nipper Reid on this side of the ocean.

- D.I. Beach. - Thank you very much, Ray.

Yes, hopefully. It'd be nice to go down in history for putting somebody away

as nasty as Smiler McCarthy.

And the beauty of this is that he hasn't got a clue that we're here.

We're all over him like an invisible rash. He hasn't got a clue.

- Who is it? - Smiler McCarthy.

- Who? - Smiler McCarthy.

I'm not here. Not in.

Hello?

No, I'm afraid he isn't in...Smiler.

(ANGRY YELLING)

You're a bunch of (BLEEP) Crack squad?! I want results! I want them now!

There's no pressure. I don't want anybody to feel any pressure at all.

You're not talking to each other, I think you're not communicating.

It's time you all sat down, in a calm moment,

and went over everything, minute by minute.

Right, well, good news. I think I've got something.

I think I've found someone. An informant. Used to run with McCarthy.

Having said that, er...

I feel someone else maybe should

sort of, like, go and visit this guy and get the information.

I act as the bait a lot of the time. I'm deep undercover. I go in there - bosh!

In, get 'em to bite

and then we nick 'em.

(WHISTLING)

I s'pose I'm a bit like... Like Robert De Niro is a Method actor,

I suppose you could say that I'm a Method policeman.

And I love my job.

The reason I love Operation Good Guys is each individual member of this team

is willing to make the ultimate sacrifice. No sacrifice is too great.

(RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)

Hellraiser!

I don't mind extracting information from anyone, right?

But if I had known... I didn't know till I put my glasses back on what he'd done!

(MARK) Bones, your hair has a hard-on!

- Shut the (BLEEP) up! - Right, pack it in. It ain't funny.

(GARY) I really appreciate you covering for me, mate!

Look at that. Look, look.

Did you get that? It's "The Golden Shot"!

Bob Monkhouse, where are you?

Easy! Easy!

Oi, guv! Guv!

As you see, our big informant - Lenny the Cut - wasn't a knife man after all,

but a punk hairdresser wanting to pass information to our undercover officers

whilst he's cutting their hair. That's in order to keep his cover.

Well, I can understand that.

I know you're pissed off,

feel like a prat, but you've done sterling work. Congratulate Gary and Bones.

They've come up with an informant who is second to none, very clever.

He even speaks in a language that allows us to know what's going on

and protects him from those that might do him a nasty. This is what he tells us.

Number one, we have a major player.

I don't need to tell you who that is, do I?

Perhaps I should - it's Smiler McCarthy. Of course.

Number two, we have a contract man. OK? An assassin.

Number three, we have a shooting.

OK? And we have a time - 12.45.

The worst scenario is we find somebody who is going to kill someone else,

stop that happening and bang them away. The best possible scenario is

we bag McCarthy at the same time.

But there's one piece of this jigsaw that's missing - the venue.

I need the venue!

I need somebody to go back there and find out where it's going to happen.

And I want a volunteer.

Strings?

- Sorry, sir. - It's just a haircut.

I can't risk...blowing my image and end up looking like Mr Whippy.

(BEACH) Oi, Bones!

What about Mark? He's not got much.

No, you're having a laugh.

- We're not going through that again. - Sarge, I... It don't make sense to me.

What doesn't make sense?

- What's it called? Cryptical? - Talking cryptical.

Saying things without saying it.

Yeah, I understand what you're saying, but, in practice, how do you do it?

You say to me, "It's sunny outside," without saying it.

Bones, take him through this, will you?

Is...

Say, "It's sunny," without saying it.

- Is your hi-fi in the yard? - Bones, Bones, Bones...

- Don't... - Sony? Is Sony outside?

Is your hi-fi in the yard?

Say to me, "It's sunny," without saying it.

- You can't. - That's what I mean.

It's like, you know, crosswords. Cryptic.

It says something in the clue, but the answer's different.

So, like, for instance, what?

Eh, right. Three Across. "Criminals, etc. It's no good to talk about them."

Wish me luck.

It seems that an alien virus has...jammed the system.

It could be the original software.

We're getting the technical bods down to deal with it

and get up and running as soon as possible.

- What information did you get? - Nothing.

I tried, but... You know what I mean? That's the way it goes, innit?

Anything happening now at the front?

No. Nothing. Is it loose, that one?

(BANG)

- (BLEEP) I'm sorry! - Are you all right?

I'm sorry, sir. ..Oh!

Oh, my arm... I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

I'll be all right. Just give me a minute. I'll be all right. I'm sorry.

- Hang on. - Can you get me a glass of water?

Right.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

We've had a problem with the computer, as you know.

Em, one thing I try to instil in everybody is that we don't have problems.

It's not a problem. It's an opportunity.

An opportunity to get to know each other better.

Excuse me! Who went in my office and took my signed - excuse me -

my signed 1982 Tottenham...

(JEERING)

It creates good team spirit. I'm not going to stop them doing that. I want that.

That's good. Is this chair squeaking too much? Are you picking this up?

(SOUND MAN) Yeah.

Who done that? Do you think that's funny?

And they cut it, they stamped on it. Destroyed it.

I'll probably keep the ball, though.

Probably keep it. It's just not the same not blown up, is it?

We are that close to completing this jigsaw at the moment. Are we not, Ray?

(LEYTON) We're getting dangerously close to spending our budget.

We have the contract man, Roy. That's how close we are.

Now, what we don't have is a venue.

In order to get that venue, we've got to spend a little bit more money. OK?

The hair has always been part of that image. I'm very proud of it.

It's taken a long time to grow. It's natural curls, nothing else on that. All natural.

And this barber, this snout who the boss has been sending the guys to,

have you seen the state of their hair?

No way I'm letting him loose on this.

Well, actually, I love the hair.

I'm just so pleased with it.

I've taken some stick from the boys, obviously, but I'm gonna keep it.

I'm getting noticed again. It's like the old days, in the band.

Yeah, just love it, you know.

I got the venue as well. The boss is happy with that.

Anyway, I'll just play you this song. This is my song to bond the team.

We need a bit of bonding.

♪ Ready or not, here I come

♪ I'm gonna get you... ♪

- (SONG IN BACKGROUND - See, I told you. He's got two previous.

♪ Oh, I'm gonna get you... ♪

Now, let's say the target vehicle is here.

♪ We're gonna get you...

♪ 'Cause we're the Good Guys

♪ We're gonna get you Here we come, here we come

♪ Here we come, come come Here we come

♪ Ready or not, here I come! ♪ What do you think?

You will work on your instincts today.

I don't want to hear about anybody who has to stop and think what they're doing.

You've all been chosen especially because of your instincts.

Remember this... In the words of the late great J Edgar Hoover,

"You are honoured by your friends.

"You are distinguished by your enemies."

Today you will all, every one of you,

be very distinguished indeed.

And something else - you're simply the best.

Better than all the rest.

Better than anyone, anyone I've ever met.

I'm stuck on your love.

So...

Sergeant Ash, go get 'em.

- Sarge, you all right, mate? - How do we shut the door?

Push it!

Give it a nudge!

- Sarge, I'm feeling a bit sick. - I can't wait to get stuck in.

- Mark's feeling sick, Sarge. - Can we pull over, driver?

- He's gonna get sick. - Wait a minute.

(STRINGS) If he's sick, I'll be sick. I can't stand the sight of vomit.

Have you got a sickbag?

Hold on. Hang on.

Oh, no, he's started me off.

- Come on! We're late! - Get us a Coke, will you?

(RADIO ) Beach to Ash, over.

Lemon Team is in position, boss. Over.

Lemon Team is in position. Over.

Thank you, Ray. Give me an ETA on Lilac Team, will you, Ray? Over.

Lilac Team have arrived and are closing the doors, boss.

Estimated time five minutes. Over.

Good. Thank you, Ray. If you get a moment, give the lads a talk. SKIRT.

Strength, know-how, instinct, resolve equals triumph. Over.

We appreciate that here, boss. Thank you.

Is that him?

Ash to Base, Ash to Base.

The cheese is set. The cheese is set.

The spring is taut. We are awaiting the mouse. Over.

- Is it bone? - Real bone. Cost me a fortune.

It's ghastly as well, isn't it? Ghastly.

The mouse is squeaking. Target has arrived, boss. Over.

Good Guys are go, go, go. Good luck.

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

- Open the bloody doors! - Whoa! Side door! Side door!

Side door! Side door! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

(CHAOTIC YELLING)

Armed police! Stay still! Don't move! Put your hands on the wheel!

On the wheel! Now!

Get out of the car! Out of the car!

Let's see your hands! Stand up! Hands up!

Turn around! Now!

Over to the wall! Over to the wall! Go!

Come on! Hands to the wall!

Get your hands up! Right now! Move it! Get over there!

- Get over there! - I'm David Seaman. What's going on?

Shut up! Shut it!

(YELLING)

Lie still!

Armed police!

We've got everyone. Any black people?

(BONES) Who you looking at, shorty?

Bones, don't hit him! Bones!

Stop it! Stop it!

- Isn't it? It's David Seaman. - Who the (BLEEP) is David Seaman?!

I've told you before, shut it!

Shut it! What did you do that for?

- Can we cut this, please? - Turn the camera off! Turn it off!

Off! Off! Turn it off!

I'm telling you to turn it off!

Can we switch this off, please? Now? Camera off. Thank you.

- Something's gone wrong. - Beach to Ash. Come in. Ray? Over.

- Oh, my God... - Where the (BLEEP) are you? Over.

Ray, is Mr Seaman injured?

Over.

Eh...

A few bruises. I think Bones got a little carried away, sir.

Control? Control from Operations Room.

Ray, I'm on my way down. Over.

Control? Get an ambulance to the O.P. straight away.

It's very easy to criticise

and point out all the bad points and what went wrong.

We've got to remember the positives, and there were an awful lot of them.

The team got to work as a unit and it was slick, it was fast, it was efficient.

It says, "We act on behalf of David Seaman...blah, blah.

"We seek compensation and damages for wrongful arrest, false imprisonment,

"defamation of character, grievous bodily harm and loss of earnings

"incurred from said injuries." Our lawyers estimate about ã200,000.

I hope that in due course Mr Seaman and his family will understand

that we've got a difficult job to do here.

You don't make an omelette without breaking eggs, do you?

Or legs, in this case, but...

It's... It will happen for us.

Also there's damages to David Seaman's car - ã1,570.

His lawyer's glasses - ã380.

I was on my way to a photo shoot

and these guys came round with guns.

I was just attacked, really.

There was a guy with green spiky hair who was hurling abuse, spit coming out.

And damages to Mr Seaman's reputation. Anything up to ã4 million, sir.

Then there's taxis to and from the hospital - ã52.

- Minicab? - Black cab, sir.

To them, it's like the Muppets. It was like "Sesame Street" out there.

"Sesame Street" with guns.

Oh, let's get this out of the way, over and done with.

Anybody can make a mistake, OK?

It wasn't C-Man, contract man. It was David Seaman, the footballer.

The shooting, yes, it wasn't a shooting, a contract killing. It was a photo shoot.

And, yes, he is a major player!

How could we know that Lenny the Cut was related to Smiler McCarthy?

The computers were down.

To find out information like that is an extremely intricate operation.

You have to go to the Records Office in Newport, it's manpower and money...

You know, it really is a difficult thing.

Look at this. This is ridiculous.

It's in the phone book. Lenny McCarthy, OK?

Sorry... Yeah, McCarthy L.

In the phone book. Smiler's cousin.

Let your fingers do the walking (!) It's ridiculous.

Smiler McCarthy.

He can't see us in here 'cause we've had special glass fitted. Reflective, one way.

So we're perfectly...

..inconspicuous here.

There's the demon barber (!) Lenny the Cut.

He can't see us.

He can't.

Oh, dirty...!

But you can't see in.

You couldn't see in, could you?

(TV) And it's a crying shame that due to David Seaman's mysterious injury

he couldn't be here today.

With him, things would be very different.

The final whistle has gone. England are out of the World Cup.

♪ Ready or not, here I come

♪ I'm gonna get you

♪ Ready or not, here I come

♪ I'm gonna get you

♪ Ready or not, here I come

♪ I'm gonna get you, get you, get you

♪ I'm gonna get you

♪ Get you! ♪

(BLEEP)

- What happened? - I don't know! I'm (BLEEP) bleeding!

Sarge!

Some (BLEEP) put pins in the soap! Get me some bandages, Bones!

- Just go and get the sarge! I'm bleeding! - Sarge!

(BLEEP)

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