Original subtitles

The great thing about having close friends is that you get to celebrate

little milestones together. I would like to propose a toast to me and my

upcoming birthday.

Happy birthday.

What is it? I will be turning 35.

Dude,

I think that officially makes you the old man of the group. Not so fast.

here is 36.

35 and three quarters.

You don't look a day over 50. You don't act a day over 12.

Old man, fight.

Old fan party.

Old fan party.

What's your plan for the big day, man?

Well, no one's ever thrown me a surprise party, so I was thinking maybe you guys

could surprise me with that.

I can't see Mike here expecting it. Don't sell him short. Mike could plan

own surprise party and still be surprised.

No, no, I don't want to plan it.

I want you guys to take the ball and kind of run with it. I'm thinking party

bus, beer kegs, paintball.

Go. We are not getting drunk at playing paintball for your birthday.

I might as well just pre -dial nine and one and get a head start.

Hey, you guys.

Hey. Okay.

You are never going to guess what I'm doing tomorrow.

Going fishing. Driving to St. Louis. Creating a beautiful glass menagerie.

having lunch with a very important Hollywood producer.

Josh Hellman wants to turn my book, You're a Great Guy But, into a movie. No

way. That's awesome.

That's amazing. How did that happen? My agent sent it to him, and he really

liked it. And he's in town shooting this movie with Vince Vaughn and Drew

Barrymore, so we're lunching.

What's the Vince Vaughn movie?

Dog trainers who fall in love at the dog show, and it's called, um... Shih Tzu

Happens. Legal beagles.

That doesn't even make any sense, man. Why would the dogs be lawyers?

I don't know. Shih Tzu Happens makes sense.

Can I get you a drink, Doc?

Oh, hey, yeah, uh, red wine. Hey, you know what? Let me get it.

Maybe if I suck up to you now, you'll take me to the Oscars with you.

And, Kenny, I was wondering if you wanted to come with me, because I don't

why I'm so nervous, but I could really use the support. Yeah, absolutely. It'll

be fun. I may have to run a couple ideas by myself.

Or just sit there and look cute.

All right, dude, enough with the constant texting. Who is she?

Haley. She's a bartender over at Danny's in Bucktown.

Long brown hair. So hot. Oh, good Lord.

She's got this panther tattoo that runs down the entire right side of her body.

Hello, kitty.

You have no idea.

Do you think she has any hot friends who might be interested in some drunken

whirlyball? Dude, we are not playing whirlyball.

Beer pump?

No. Booze cruise? No.

Color me mine. Color me mine? Drunk? I don't think you know what that is.

Oh, you know what would be great?

Bing bong. Hi, my name's Candy.

I'll be your plumber and I would like to fix your leak.

Oh, what are you doing? That's like the worst sexy stripper talk I've ever

heard. Hey, Bobby, we had a problem with your credit card. It wouldn't go

through. Oh, that is... so weird. That's the second time that's happened today.

Um, sorry. Here, let me give you some cash.

Thank you.

That's weird.

Why don't you call them tomorrow? That fraud protection thing turns my card off

all the time.

You better get that fixed by next Friday, Robert.

When you surprise me with a bottle of rumplemint, some go -karts, and a big

of daddy ball. No, you're not playing daddy ball.

Oh, yeah.

I'll have a cup of decaf.

And we're going to split the chocolate lava cake.

Are you serious?

That's amazing.

I haven't seen somebody order a dessert in three years.

Wow. You guys do it right in Chicago.

Just go for it. Well, we walk a lot here.

That's the cutest thing I've ever heard.

Walking. Could you imagine?

Here's the deal, Stephanie.

This book is amazing.

Great title, great characters, great concept. And it's got that urban

sensibility that I find slamming.

Oh, thank you. My job is to take this book that I love so much and turn it

a huge movie.

Ultimately, a franchise.

You're still a great guy.

You're a great girl.

You're great parents. I mean, stop me. I could do this forever.

You're a great mayor. You're a great vampire.

Right?

Oh, this is so exciting.

Yes, it is. But I'm not sure exactly what that has to do with the book.

Hilarious. Hey!

Do you like Ryan Reynolds?

Sure. He's awesome.

And ripped.

I'm just saying.

You're just saying what?

I gotta go. I gotta take this call. It's a nose call.

I'm not gonna take notes. I won't tell Fox to kiss my ass.

You know what I'm saying, Doug? Kenny. My man. Well, thank you so much for

lunch, Josh.

And it was really great meeting you. Keep your schedule open next few days,

okay? Because we're gonna get together. We're gonna close this deal.

Hi, you guys.

Hey, is everyone on?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm still in Chicago.

Yeah, I saw a guy in acid -wash jeans.

No, I'm not kidding.

Did you hear that?

What's wrong with acid -wash jeans?

God, I can't believe this is happening.

And who should play me? Because there has to be a Stephanie character, right?

Halle Berry!

How crazy would that be? You're a great guy, but starring Halle Berry.

I can totally see the poster.

Thank you.

Good thing my acid -washed jeans are pleated.

Hey, B .J., so how are the plans for Mike Fest coming?

Good, why?

Well, I had an idea, just in case you needed one. Sure, what is it?

A day at Six Flags, some whirlyball, dinner at Twin Anchors, followed by a

crawl through Lincoln Park and Lakeview.

Dude, just pick one thing for your birthday, and we'll do it right.

Okay. Pub crawl.

Fine.

Unless you guys are going to surprise me with a road trip to Champaign -Urbana.

We are not.

Fine. I'll call it a day.

But let's go out at 11, like we used to.

11? Yeah, we're way too old for that.

I'm not ashamed to go to bed at 11. If I'm not in my pajamas by 11, something's

gone terribly wrong. All right, I say we pick a more age -appropriate time to go

out, like, say, 8.

8? Come on.

I'm not turning 100.

You kind of are. If we go out at 8...

We'll hit more bars, increasing your chance of finding the future Mrs.

Mike Callahan. Or at the very least, your next incredibly awkward sexual

experience. Fine. 8 p .m. Friday night, we meet at Crowley's.

Yeah, uh, Queen's the stoneture in town.

And Haley wants me to go with, so I have to play this one by ear.

You can't play my birthday by ear. You're either in or you're out. Dude,

tattoo. And if it wasn't my birthday, I would high -five you. But!

You are super lame if you blow off Mike Fest for some bartender chick. Yeah,

Brendan, there'll be other bartender chicks. Come on. But he's old.

This could be his last birthday.

Mike, I have a little conflict, too. No, no, don't do this to me, poopy. No, no,

no, that's the night that Josh is taking me to dinner to close my movie deal.

Okay, now that's a good excuse.

Uh, panther tattoo?

No. A little bit? No.

I know it's Mike's birthday, but it would be nice if you could meet me and

for a drink before dinner.

That's a good idea.

He and I didn't really hit it off.

What do you mean?

I mean, Josh is a tool bag.

I'm not, so... Wait, my Josh?

No, no, he's not. He was completely charming.

Your Josh was kicking your ass because he wants your book.

A book, I guarantee, by the way, he didn't read.

Of course he read it. He said it was great. He said it had a great title.

Look, look, look, I have a solution to this. Do you want to bring Josh to the

pub crawl?

No, if he's a total tool bag, he should not come on the pub crawl.

Dude, you're not coming to the pub crawl. I'm playing it by ear.

What does that even mean?

I can't believe you're not being more supportive.

I am supportive. I'm telling you, this guy's going to ruin your book.

All right, fine.

I will go to dinner alone, and you can just be that way. Oh, I'm going to be

that way, because being that way is right. When he gets this way at work, I

him a granola bar, because sometimes he's just hungry.

Hey, guys.

Hi. Sorry I'm late. You are not going to believe what I've been dealing with.

What, sire? Buffalo Stampede.

Creating a beautiful glass menagerie. See more than one play.

What happened, Bobby? Well, I haven't gotten the full story yet, but according

to my brother, Jack, it sounds like my dad invested our entire family fund

with Marvin Fisher.

Oh.

Marvin Fisher, the Ponzi scheme guy. The $25 billion Ponzi scheme guy? Well,

that wasn't always his title. We actually used to call him Uncle Marvin.

you're basically saying that the Newman family fortune went... Yeah, but, you

know, there's a bunch of lawyers working on it now, and the truth is, it's hard

to believe that that much money could just disappear.

Are you okay? Is there anything we can do?

I'm fine. I mean, all my accounts are frozen, which is kind of crazy, but, you

know, I'm sure they're going to sort the whole thing out.

Maybe we should just reschedule the pub crawl. You know, Steph's got the dinner,

and Bobby's got a lot going on, and Brendan's lame.

I know it's your birthday and all, dude, but it's not like it's a big one.

Actually, Brendan, it kind of is.

I know I've been a little vague about my age before, but the truth of the matter

is that I'm not turning 35.

I am turning 40.

What?

In your face.

40. 35 and three quarters.

40.

You know what I want for my birthday?

Just for one day, I would like you to be nice to me. How about I get you a hip

replacement and a bucket of fiber?

Old man fight!

Old man fight!

You cannot play whirlyball on your 40th birthday.

You'll die!

I never thought I'd live this long.

Here's the deal with the pub crawl.

We order a drink, we drink it, we move on. We do not get comfortable in any one

location because I have a list of about 24 bars here that are... Four bars.

Four bars? Four.

Come on.

It's a pub crawl.

Hi, I'm Mike. Hi, Mike.

Yeah, I tried to drink at 24 bars on my birthday and my liver shut down

somewhere between Fullerton and Belmont.

Hey, guys.

Hey!

Well, there's a surprise. Look who decided to show up for my 40th.

Well, I mean, what's more important, man? Your birthday or some hot bartender

chick, right?

That's what I'm talking about.

You ready? Hell yeah.

Let's put those drinking helmets on.

Popcorn! Woo -hoo!

Well? Oh, I'm going to hook up with her later.

Dude, she's the worst.

Oh, come on, PJ. She's got this tattoo. I don't want to hear it. She's really

good. No, seriously.

Don't say it. Dude, I will punch you.

I'm so sorry.

Okay. Dog movies become a zit on my ass.

We gotta find our lead.

You know how hard it is to find a purebred French bulldog in this city?

funny.

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry.

Now you.

You, you.

You and your amazing book.

Are we doing this? Are we getting into bed together? And I don't mean for that.

I mean to make a lot of money.

Well, Josh, I am so excited. Aw. I am. And I had this idea that maybe Zoe

Saldana could play the lead.

You know, she was in Guess Who and Avatar.

Yeah, no, I know who she is, yeah.

Uh, not for this.

No.

This is Sandy Bullock.

This is... You're a great guy, but I'm too crazy to see it until it's too late.

And so I get a job as a caterer, and I mess up your wedding.

Laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh. The end. Ka -ching.

But shouldn't it be a movie about a woman who finds the courage and the

to leave a lousy situation? I mean, that is the premise of the book.

Uh, I'm making a comedy, and you just pitched me a Hilary Swank film, so...

You know, I've been to Sundance, and it's very cold.

Josh, can I ask you something?

Yeah.

Did you even read the book?

I guess I don't.

Uh, I'm not sure what kind of question that is. I don't understand the

It's just that based on what you said, it doesn't seem like you actually read

book. Time out here.

Let's get real real, okay?

Okay. You've done your job. You wrote a book with a great title.

Now, let Daddy take it. Make it into something.

And then you and Doug, you can walk down a red carpet.

You know?

Oh, oh.

Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie, big smile, big smile. Stephanie, Stephanie,

Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie.

You're welcome.

I'm going to have to leave Belden Tap. I love that place.

You know the rules, Captain. You don't get too emotionally attached to any one

place because you are playing the field. You know what, guys? This is my

brother. Excuse me, one second.

Oh, man, poor Bobby. Can you imagine trying to sort through such a huge

financial mess?

Actually, I can. I run a business with Rip Van Winkle.

Okay.

Find you some almonds. What do you know?

Time sure flies when you're having fun.

Brando, don't do it. Hey, dude, pub crawl, awesome.

Did you make this an annual event?

Wait, where are you going? We've only gone to two bars.

Happy birthday, buddy.

You are so lame.

How can you do that? How can he do that?

Dude, panther tattoo.

You guys, I'm so sorry to do this, but we need to make an emergency stop at my

apartment, like, right now.

Evidently, the feds are seizing all our assets, and they're coming to pick

everything up.

Another great thing about having a big group of friends is that you can turn to

your team when things go south. All right, what's the plan?

Um, okay, Mike, you look for valuables. Bobby, let's grab important photos and

document. Kenny, there is a 40 -year -old bottle of Laphroaig in the pantry.

Some things get better with age. And some things don't.

Seriously, Mike, take anything you want. Consider it an early birthday gift.

Who's that?

Cornelius Newman, my grandfather.

He's very clean.

I want this.

Go ahead, man, knock yourself out. That is your birthday present.

All right, Grandpa.

Let's go. You're coming with me.

Hey, I'm just assuming we should take all these files. Oh, you know what? We

should grab those photos.

Oh, Dad.

This was really, really dumb.

This can all still get worked out, right?

No, it's definitely over.

I am so sorry.

It's the weirdest feeling.

I mean, it's hard to wrap your brain around losing all of your money.

Everything.

I mean, it doesn't even feel real.

I don't know what to say.

There's nothing to say except... You do.

Corny, you could stand to lose a few pounds.

Is this the Newman residence?

Yeah. We're here to seize your assets.

Hey, Bobby, there's two... Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I can't believe you guys concocted all of this for the... I'm the birthday boy.

I'm sorry, sir. You're going to have to step back. What are you going to do?

Arrest me? You're already seizing my assets.

Mike, what are you doing?

Dude, you are... Awesome.

Watch this. I'm about to get searched.

Frisk me. Okay. Frisk me. Sir, you need to stop right there. Why? Because I

might have a concealed weapon.

This

is

the weirdest night of my life.

Man, I was not drunk enough for a tase.

I've never heard you make a sound like that before.

I don't ever want to hear it again.

Well. Better me than Robert.

Yeah, I wasn't really in danger of being tased, Mike. On the plus side, I always

wondered what a good solid tase would feel like, and now I know.

I only peed a drop.

Welcome to your 40s.

Hey, I don't know about you guys, but I could really use a drink or three.

You want to head to Crowley's for one last round?

Are you sure you're up for it?

Yeah. Oh, I don't know, man.

I'm sore.

I can't feel my feet, and the inside of my mouth tastes like sulfur.

Am I the only one who's surprised tonight was Mike's first tase?

You guys, let's just have one drink and then call it a night, huh? Yeah, for

sure. Absolutely.

Surprise!

I can't believe you threw me a surprise party! Oh, this is amazing!

Ah, you guys rock! Thank you!

You totally got me! Happy birthday!

Thank you.

You!

Let's touch them.

Come on.

That's all I wanted. A little bit of sugar.

Dude, I think you peed more than just a drop.

Maybe a little. You. Me.

Boop. Hey, who wants a drink?

Huh? Because they're buying.

Let's do it.

Yay.

Did we do all this?

Maybe. It was tough, though. You're like that annoying kid who tears through the

house before Christmas looking for presents.

Creepy bathroom in the basement. Check.

Found him every time. Happy birthday, Mike. Thank you. Hey, you guys. Hey,

birthday, Mike. Hey, thank you, creepy. Mwah.

You?

I hate you. What'd I do now?

You were right.

Josh turned out to be a giant tool box.

Bag. Well, he was both then.

It was totally clear he didn't read my book.

And he was definitely going to ruin it.

So the deal is off.

I'm really sorry, Steph.

I told Josh I wasn't going to let him turn your great guy butt into some

movie. Wow.

Good for you.

I'm sure he took that well. He suddenly became the Josh.

No one says no to the Josh.

The Josh is going to bury you.

And then the Josh called me girlfriend.

I wouldn't call you that. You are my girlfriend.

Hey.

Well, well, well, look at the panther dragged in. I'm so sorry for bailing on

you. All right, I thought it was way out of line. Keep talking. The combination

of beer and cake has put me in a very charitable mood. Well, you know, I was

the show and I'm thinking, hey, what the hell am I doing? What am I doing? This

isn't right.

So I completely blew off Haley. Hey, thanks a lot, man. That means a lot to

You got it.

Bring it in. There you go, pal. Happy birthday.

I'm going to pass out cake.

Who wants cake?

Get your own.

So she bailed on you, didn't she?

Yeah, yeah. She's sleeping with one of the guys in the band.

Just didn't want to go to the show alone.

Surprise, surprise.

Such an idiot.

Brando, come on, dude. I mean...

A giant panther tattoo doesn't exactly scream, hey, I'm completely stable.

We're like, ooh, hepatitis C.

Hey, everybody, a toast to Mike.

To old man Callahan.

Even though he chases kids off his lawn.

And eats dinner at 5 p .m. And cuts out articles he thinks we'll all find

interesting. And is a member of the greatest generation.

We still love him.

Cheers.

Hey, you guys ready to roll?

Uh, yeah, let me close my tab out. Cool.

Hey, how you doing? You okay?

Yeah, yeah, you know, a little numb, broke, homeless.

On that note, actually, can I spend the night at your place?

Gosh, numb, broke, and homeless. Now that's a sexy combo.

Absolutely. Actually, I might need to spend the next few weeks at your place.

Is that cool?

Of course.

Hey, look, I know what you're going through must be just terrible.

But you got to look on the bright side, you know?

At least you're not 40.

Thank God.

Hit it?

Yeah. It's good to have close friends to share life surprises with.

Because no matter how much you prepare for them or even ask for them, they can

still sneak up on you.

Happy birthday, buddy.

Right behind you.

All right, let me cash out here with Matt. No way, Mike. This one's on the

house.

Thank you.

Hey, nice picture.

43, huh?

Happy birthday.

Thank you.