Original subtitles

Everyone has that friend who doesn't necessarily know what's best for

Mine's Brendan.

Hey, what's up, guys?

I might have put this here. Came with my new scooter.

What about a scooter?

In the middle of winter.

Dude, tell me about it. Way too cold to be walking everywhere.

Bren, I don't think that's such a good idea. Why?

Because you on a scooter is a recipe for disaster.

Do you even know how to ride that thing?

It's a scooter, man. It's like a bike with no pedals. What's the no? I think

more than that.

You guys are worrying for nothing, man. I'm going to be fine.

Oh, if I had a dollar for every time I watched you make a stupid decision.

How much would you have?

Enough to buy that scooter off him before he ends up like Gary Busey.

All right, I gotta go. Gotta practice with the band before our first gig.

Hey, all right, you guys already got a gig?

Yeah, at Brendan's joint. Technically, it's not a gig. It's an open mic night.

I'll get you guys flyers. We're working on a name, but right now we are leaning

towards the Kenny Mortori band.

It's catchy. Yeah, at least for the first gig.

Open mic night.

Problem is, we lost our bass players, so right now we're really scrambling.

Oh, Andy, didn't you used to play bass? I did indeed. In high school, I was in a

band called Skank.

Hey, you know, we're seeing people tonight. I mean, maybe you should come

audition. I was in Skank.

I don't audition.

You know what?

Honestly, we can't be choosy anyways. We've got a gig in four days. Open mic

night. Andy, you're in.

Let's gank out of here. Hey, one favor. I can't fit the drums in my car, so I'm

going to have to borrow Meredith's minivan on the night of the gig. It's

gig!

I've been searching everywhere for you guys.

Everywhere?

Well, here.

I searched here first.

Okay, well, listen, you guys.

I am running a You're a Great Guy But... seminar tomorrow, and I need a favor.

You run seminars now? My agents created a whole industry off of this book.

Women bring their girlfriends that are in bad relationships, and I empower them

to break up with the jerks in their lives.

Turns out women pay a lot of money to sit in a hotel room and get advice from

Stephanie. Women will take advice from anyone serving them a little cheese and

lot of wine.

But I'm short a dumping dummy.

Dumping dummy?

I need a man to be a dummy for the women to practice their breakup speeches.

Obligatory joke about Mike being a dummy. Obligatory joke about Mike being

Oh, that's just lazy, guys.

I blanked. Andy's not here. He usually does those.

Will one of you guys help me?

Oh, no, no, not me. I just recently endured a real breakup speech, and I've

my fill. You know what, Mike? This might be just the thing for you. You know, a

room full of women about to be...

Single?

Facing the long, dark tunnel of loneliness, desperate to find someone

And they're buzzed on wine, you say?

Fish in a barrel?

Meet Sexy Mike!

Run,

fish, run!

Sometimes, when you see a friend acting against his best interest, you feel like

you need to intervene.

And... Turns out driving the scooter's hard.

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Yeah.

Oh, you are hurt.

No, no, no, no, no. Dr. Brando thinks it's just a sprain. The doctor in your

head? Yeah, yeah. I mean, he does want me to reinforce the drugstore bandage,

but do we have any duct tape?

$13.

For duct tape? No, Kenny has asked me to keep track of all your bad decisions,

and I would be up to $13 after last night's shot of kiwi schnapps. You

think you would have made 13 better decisions than me? Absolutely.

No to that scooter. No to the blue socks.

No to the third bowl of pretzels.

No to the homemade toothpaste.

Hey, that's just baking soda and egg whites. Oh, and at least refrigerate it.

Good point.

You know, sometimes I wish I had a little PJ.

You know, one that I could take with me, sort of help guide me in the right

direction. Would I sit on your shoulder? Could I have wings?

Oh, little PJ.

She'd be stern, but fair.

Oh, you know what could be a fun experiment?

Let me make all of your decisions just for one week, and we'll see if your life

is better or worse.

Interesting idea.

You might want to agree before you eat the three -week -old yogurt.

Come on, I'm sure it's fine.

$14. All right.

Deal.

Brandon, I'll never see you wear V -neck sweaters.

They look good.

It's all thanks to PJ. She's been pulling out stuff I should wear more

Wait a minute. PJ's dressing you now? Brendan has given all of his decision

-making rights over to me for a week. Careful.

I did that with Meredith. Never got him back. Yeah, well, I gotta say, so far,

it's working out pretty great, man. I mean, she got me to go to a real doctor.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. A microwave burrito? What's going on?

I'm hungry.

Play some poker. You'll order something healthy later.

Ooh. What am I having?

You were thinking some chicken and salad.

Mmm.

Thanks, little PJ.

What are you doing to little me?

Batter on the back. Oh.

So, uh, what's gonna happen to that burrito?

Come to daddy.

Rendon, I was wondering if the Kinney Moratory Bank could get a quick practice

session in at the bar before the gig.

Open mic night and no.

I think what you mean is I think I can find an hour for you, whatever I can do

to help a friend.

I think we can carve some time out for you tomorrow afternoon, pal.

Yeah, I can only rehearse during lunch. That is, as long as I can eat during

rehearsal. Uh, that's not ideal. The way I figured is the band's going to need

at least 20 hours a week rehearsal if we want to get to the next level. What

level is that?

You know, writing, recording an album, summer tour, maybe with Wilco.

20 hours?

It seems a little much, Kenny. Well, if you want to get to the next level...

When you say next level, that kind of implies we're on some sort of level.

But we're not.

We're nothing.

Uh -oh.

I'm not feeling well.

That burrito hasn't played in a while.

All right, burrito. Let's go work this out in private.

See? That could have been you.

It's just that Ethan has no time for me anymore.

It's all about his career.

Well, often the thing that initially attracted you to a person is the thing

wind up not being able to stand.

That's true.

I liked him because he was so driven, but it turns out he's just selfish.

Time for you to break up with Ethan.

Now, sometimes saying the words is hard.

Mike is here to help you practice.

Go ahead.

Ethan.

You're a great guy, but we're through.

Yeah,

that was great.

I think you should pack and get out.

You're just no good.

I'm no good.

Everyone knows you're a pig. I think you should pack and get out. And then hit

me. And the way you love your mama is sick. Totally sick. Feels like you're in

love with yourself more than me.

No, it's hard. I mean, when you got a body like this, how can you not love it?

Be serious. I am serious. Come on, ladies. You know it. You see it.

Thoroughbred. I got to run.

You can't keep me in the paddock, lady. I got to get out in that grass and start

dancing. All right.

All right. Time for a break.

Having a good time?

Oh, a blast.

I haven't had this kind of self -esteem boost since I threw up on myself in

sixth grade.

You're really funny, Mike. Oh, thanks.

You know, my ex -boyfriend was so serious.

Are you here to break up with me slash him later? No, no, no. I'm just here

a friend.

She's the one who called you a pig.

Oh, yeah.

She was nice.

I don't understand.

What's happening? Where are you calling me from?

We're done, Ethan.

I'm breaking up with you.

So, uh, are you busy later, or do you want to, uh, practice getting a nightcap

with a guy?

A lot of standing around today, huh?

Aren't you glad I chose the more comfortable shoes?

Oh, not only that, but the baby powder?

Oh, no.

Hey.

All right, great.

We're all here.

Before we get started, quick band meeting.

All right, but I only have... I've been thinking. Our set list, it's a little

small. Well, we only have the stage for ten minutes. I think what's most

important is that we be generating original material as quick as possible.

want everybody here to write five songs this week.

Okay. Let's all come in tomorrow with ten possible names for our first out.

Shouldn't we be practicing?

That's a good idea.

Let's get back in tune.

Yeah, I gotta go. I got a deposition starting in 20 minutes. Good luck, man.

last one did not go well.

Here's my card. I'm a lawyer.

Hey, you mind if I leave some flyers for my band?

Not at all.

You're a downward spiral, huh?

Mm -hmm.

I'm Brendan.

I'm the manager here.

Amazing.

My psychics agreed that I was going to meet an R and an M.

Brendan.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Yeah.

We're supposed to spend multiple lifetimes together.

Should we get started?

Yes, we should.

You know, maybe you guys could play here sometime.

Yeah, that'd be wicked.

All right, I'm going to go.

But do you know where I can find absinthe to throw away?

All right, I'll figure it out.

So I'll see you soon.

No, no, no, no. Yes.

No, no, no, no.

Oh, yeah.

This chick is wicked.

Wicked? Like Boston wicked or like witch wicked? Who cares?

Dude, I checked out her band's website last night. Let me tell you, I liked

I saw.

Yeah. Downward Spiral is the next big thing?

Oh, no, no. Dude, the band kind of sucks, but Gwendolyn?

Playing bass is a thing to be... Oh, can it. Here comes PJ.

Uh, you know, I think... I think the Cubs would do themselves a big favor by

picking up a true left -hander. Yeah.

You're talking about that crazy rocker chick you met, aren't you? She's a

slash bassist. She's psycho slash crazy.

Psycho slash crazy with Gang's first name.

So what'd you do, Brendan?

Nothing. Oh.

Brando?

What did you do? I invited her to Crowley's tonight. What about her deal?

Little PJ said it was okay.

Uh -uh. Didn't you? Yeah.

Can't you hear her?

I can.

Gwendolyn, she's an accident waiting to happen. No, she's a microwave burrito

driving a scooter in Luthor. Hey, for your information, Mike said that burrito

was delicious.

And I got another one on the way home.

That one really did me in. Hey, speaking of mistakes, how was it being an

emotional tackling dummy?

Great. I actually hooked up with this really cool woman. Wow. The dummy

back. Yeah. We went out after, and she thinks I'm funny.

Yeah. Who knew that being funny was going to be my in with the ladies?

She thinks you're funny? She thinks I'm hilarious.

Actually, last night, I busted out my koala bear doing the Rubik's Cube, which

you guys never really appreciated.

Is that what that is? I always thought it was a squirrel, like, opening mail.

You see, that's not funny.

Anyway, she likes me so much that we're going out to dinner with her friends. So

it looks like I'm taking the show on the road.

Andy, why didn't you show up for the photo shoot?

That was for real?

Yeah, it was for real. I only rented that merry -go -round for an hour, you

know. Why are we shooting the album cover before we've even had our first

Open mic night.

Exactly. Hey, I'm taking this band very seriously.

I think you're taking it a little bit too seriously.

Like, stop calling my wife to find out if I rehearse.

It's weird.

I gotta say, I'm starting to question your commitment to the band.

There's no question. The Kenny Moratoria Band is fifth.

After kids, wife, jobs, sleeping, eating, and drinking.

Drinking, six, seven, online scrabble. Anyway, I gotta get out of here.

I have a wrongful discharge case in the morning.

My wrongful discharges are usually in the morning as well.

It's just us, buddy. You don't have to be on.

Here, I'll give you a ride back to the 20s.

Hello.

Oh, is that the witch?

No.

That's all right. I'm just going to buy her a beer and talk music.

Meet me in Tulsa. I'll be there by morning.

It'll be worth it.

Tulsa? That's one long scooter ride.

Dude, you are not seriously considering that.

Oh, come on, PJ. I haven't had any girlfriend in a really long time.

Girlfriend? That's what you call it? I'm just saying I haven't been on a date in

months. I'm not saying don't date. I'm saying don't date.

That.

You haven't exercised in a while, right? Don't sign up for a triathlon. You do a

little stretching first. I don't want you to hurt yourself.

You're right. You're right. You're right.

Who needs? Yes, please. Yeah?

What is that look?

Oh, I know that look.

I do, too.

And I don't like it.

We're not getting our beer, are we?

believe you me i never picked up the violin again mike i mean you kill me

hey mike these are my dear friends this is jill and this is todd hey nice to

meet you robin i'm so sorry we're late there was an emergency at the hospital

what happened did you lose your patience what patience did you lose your not

patience but patience

What happened?

A school bus crashed.

Colonial Williamsburg is amazing.

You know, Todd's such a history buff.

They were building a cannon using 18th century... I love that you have a

Bluetooth earpiece on in this one.

The British are coming. One if by land, two if by the information superhighway.

Come on, Todd, let it out. It's okay to laugh.

Who ordered the tax and tip?

Hey -oh!

Uh -oh, somebody broke a window.

Booyah!

You should work on a design for the bandana.

I need you to run over to the Army surplus store in Belmont and pick up a

Hang on a second.

We need to talk.

Yeah, I...

I kind of need to talk to you, too, Kenny. Okay, let me start.

Getting a band's chemistry just right can be a tricky thing, Andy. I

agree. And I like you, but I don't want our differences about the band to get in

the way of our friendship.

I'm so glad to hear you feel that way. I was completely dreading this.

I've already talked to the rest of the band, and we all agree we should

go on without you.

I'm sorry, what now?

Well, the guys and I are having fun playing music, and you're a little

You're messing with the vibe.

To be clear, you're kicking me, Kenny Moritore, out of

the Kenny Moritore band.

We still want you to come to the show, you know, comps.

Hey, guys.

I need your help.

Brendan was supposed to be my dummy for my seminar tonight, and I found out that

he's gone.

I need a man.

Whoa, no, no. Sorry, Seth. Robin's calling me later, and I gotta be a man

her tonight.

Bobby, why don't you fill in?

Uh, well, I don't want to miss the Kenny Mortatory Band. It's their first gig.

Open mic night.

It hasn't even rehearsed yet. Come on. And it's Kenny.

I mean, how good can it be?

Don't worry. He'll do it.

Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I think you got me confused with Brando, Peach. See, I'm not the guy that you

get to make all the decisions for. I'm sorry.

Of course you're not.

I'll see you at eight.

Okay.

What just happened?

You just don't take anything seriously, and it's become a problem.

I mean, I think you're funny, but you're always on, you know?

It's tiring, Mike.

Oh.

That's really good, Robin. Really good.

Okay, time to end it for real now.

Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm so sorry. There's another sign.

Hey, hello.

Hey, Robin.

Hey, I can barely hear you. What's with the echo? Hang on, Mike. It's a trap.

You're a great guy, but everything's not a joke. You're never serious.

It's over, Mike.

Oh, Kenny.

Sucks I kicked you out of the band right before your first gay.

Eh, it's just an open mic night.

Besides, Brendan wasn't even there. You know what? I'm fine with it. In fact,

maybe what I'll do is I'll start the Andy Franklin band and I'll see how he

likes it.

At least you didn't get dumped over the phone in front of a room full of

strangers. And me. I was there.

I thought it was going so well. Why did she end it? I don't know.

I guess I was too funny for her.

Buddy, I hate to split hairs, but... What?

What happened to you?

Dude, that girl is insane.

We partied in the quarry.

We had sex in a nursing home.

I got pushed in a river. We broke into a zoo.

I had to take a bus home, man. Somehow she got me on the no -fly list.

Tulsa has a river?

Oh, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I smell kind of weird.

Apparently, when Gwen breaks up with you, she's got to douse you with turtle

urine. Something about cleansing the spirit guides or something.

Dude, that's rough.

I don't know.

No regrets, man.

Might have been the greatest two days of my life.

Dude, you almost died.

Twice. Yeah, what a rush.

So worth it.

Here's the sex in the zoo.

Yeah. You can only do so much to protect someone from themselves.

I can show Brendan the dangers.

But in the end... Sorry, Peach.

Sometimes you gotta just eat the burrito. Oh, speaking of that, I am

Who's up for an awful burger?

What's an awful burger? Double cheeseburger, grilled onions, smothered

On a bed of twice deep fried hash browns with a fried egg on top.

Not on the menu. You gotta order a special.

Who's in?

BJ?

All right, what the hell?

Cool, because if a chick orders it, we get half off.

Oh, the things that girl could do with a wheelchair.

Wheelchair?