Original subtitles

A wise man once said, a little friendly competition never hurt anyone.

Need me help organizing my money?

I wonder if he was talking about this bunch.

Who needs?

Oh, so you guys all still down for the games to cast on this weekend?

Is that the board game thing?

Oh, yeah.

Ten games, three nights, the losers buy booze for the winning team for one whole

month. Finally, it's a chance to avenge our loss to these two.

We didn't lose, we tied. Tying Mike is a loss, so we lost.

Yes. Victory is ours.

Eat it.

Good one, Weird Al. So not scared.

Oh, you better be. Because Kenny and I are going to be all over you like a pair

of wool pajamas.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Kenny is my partner.

Your partner? Yeah. Just you remember?

You were just sitting in for me. I couldn't make the last decathlon.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you were off dating that rich guy.

Vince. Mitch.

Hank. No, I think it was Mitch.

Mitch, Vince, Hank, whatever, man. That dude sucks.

All the guys you date suck.

I kind of like the new one.

Bobby, you must suck in some way. We just haven't figured it out yet. You

my sister, I'll... have another scotch.

Anyway, the point is, the team is me and Kenny. It always has been.

And we're three and one against you.

Three and two.

Okay, but it's still my team.

Then I'm not on.

I want to play.

Okay, we pick Bobby. Bobby!

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're picking up new players now?

Well, you can't do that. This is not happening. Look, losers pick first, and

pick Bobby. Now it's your turn. We're not picking new players. What are you

talking about? Three against three.

This will not stand.

Oh, it will stand.

It will stand tall.

And then it will do a river dance.

All right, all right. You know what? That's cool. That's cool. They want to

lame. That's fine. We'll, uh, we'll pick, um... Wait, wait, wait.

I think he moved.

There's only one person left.

Dude. It's all right. I've been picked last before, but I'm a lawyer now. And I

make $800 ,000 a year.

You really? No.

But it made you want to be my friend, didn't it?

Okay, it's settled.

You schmucks are going down.

There's not a chance.

Us, the dream team.

You, Angola. Us, cheese it.

You, Chief Nip. Us, the Godfather. You, Godfather 3. Us, Radiohead. Y 'all,

Coldplay. What's wrong with Coldplay? Oh, dude, if you even need to ask.

Who's Coldplay?

All right. All their songs sound the same. The guy's a douche, and he named

kid Apple.

Okay, now who's radio head?

Hey, y 'all.

Hey.

Hey. It's poker night. What's your deal?

Well, I just got a really cool freelance gig. I'm writing an article for Cosmo.

It's called What He's Really Like When You're Not Around.

When you're not around, happier.

So I need your help. You're beyond help.

Wow, two jokes in a row, Kenny. You want to go for three? What did the rug say

to the floor?

I've got you covered. So I would love to watch you guys for a couple of days

just being yourself. You know, like...

You know, like a window into a frat house. I want to see how you behave when

don't have to behave.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think they're behaving right now? Because I guarantee

of them has their pants unbuttoned.

It's how I roll.

Why would we want to help you? I mean, we all got burned by your last book.

Yeah, you made everyone look like a jerk.

Well, not everyone.

I mean, what's in it for us?

I'll buy you lunch.

Come on, guys. Free lunch.

Any restaurant in the city?

Sure. Does it include a beverage or not? If that's what it takes, yes.

Do we have a deal?

I'll have a steak burrito and a large orange drink.

Anywhere in the city. I said steak.

With a burrito, I can save half for dinner.

Great. I'm so excited.

I'll be like Diane Fossey.

That's funny.

Diane Fossey was a woman who watched what apes do for a living.

What did they do?

Who? The apes.

They were apes. But did they make stuff?

No. So what did they do for a living?

Mike. Go ahead.

Sweet! Sweet!

Guys,

come on, please give me something. You haven't said a word to each other in 45

minutes.

I'm Mike.

Kenny.

Oh, come on. This is what we do.

What do you want us to talk about?

You know, whatever. Stuff that you guys normally talk about, okay?

Okay.

Hey, did you know that lobsters have clear blood? I didn't know they had

They do, and it's clear.

I've learned something new today.

You're welcome.

Guys, oh, now you're just being ridiculous.

No, it's true. It's clear. That's pretty crazy, right? No, no, not that. You

guys, come on. I need you to be more, you know, guy -y.

Guy -y.

I don't even know what that means.

Hey, I know.

Where's my burrito?

Fine.

Forget it.

Boy.

Go high, go high, go high.

Oh!

Damn it! Like I said, gentlemen, us, the Dream Team, you guys in Angola.

Coma, oh!

That means eat it in Angola. I learned it just for this.

Boom!

Paging, Dr. Brando.

Dr. Brando is now on call. Scalpel.

Grab the bread basket.

Oh,

look at that. Harvard Medical School, people. And suction.

All right.

Okay. Take it away.

I am going to remove this man's wishbone. No, no, no. Do the spare ribs,

wishbone. Oh.

No, no. the writer's cramp. It rolls under the lip. Peach, I know what I'm

doing. Okay. Sorry.

Just remove the spare ribs.

I'm pretty sure we all know what you've had removed.

Good work, doctors.

Yes.

Learned it from a colleague of mine, Johnny Walker.

Have you two met? Perhaps he's at the bar.

Who needs?

Yes, please.

I know it's his age of fixing up, but really, it's tougher than that. I know,

know. It's just, you don't have to tell me. I can pick my own pieces, you know?

Okay.

It's just one game, though, and we're still up two to one. Right, right. I'm

just saying, you know, they're just stupid board games, so, you know.

Relax.

Relax? I'm relaxed.

Yeah, but sometimes you get a little too competitive.

What do you mean? I'm just as competitive as everybody else.

Pete, you're uber competitive.

You're just as competitive as I am. No way.

Oh, my God, you are. It's still not true. Yes, it is. It's not.

What? You're trying to win this ridiculous argument. I am not.

Probably. Do you see?

You care about winning just as much as I do. No, I do not. I'm just... trying to

give you a bit of constructive criticism, and if you don't want to hear

is totally fine.

Oh, and by the way, the spare ribs are way harder than they look.

Oh, really?

Yeah, that was really... What did that wise man say about friendly competition

again?

So, we kind of had our first fight.

Bobby thinks I'm too competitive.

You?

No, he's crazy.

No, but he would have never said anything if we weren't dating. What is

guys that when you start dating them, they feel free to have opinions about

Well, they're measuring you against the idea of their dream girl. And they've

all got one.

Jessica Alba, Heidi Klum.

People not known for their trash talking or saying in your face.

So irritating.

The male ego is fragile.

That's why I never play games with guys I date.

It always gets weird. They can never just play to have fun. Well, but I'm not

guy. Not always.

Then I can totally play to have fun. He'll see.

Not always.

You look cute today.

Don't. Oh, how's your article coming?

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know what to do. I've learned nothing so far.

Except lobsters have clear blood.

That's not really a Cosmo article.

Oh, but I'm going to your apartment to watch Brando, though.

That should work out for me.

He leads a much sexier life.

So this is what you do on your day off? I'm getting stuff done around the house.

Oh.

Cleaning.

Yeah.

Tara wants to go ice skating at Millennium Park.

Oh, Tara.

Who is she?

Waitress at the club.

Okay, waitress. I like it. I like it. All right, so what now, huh?

Oh, dude, I can't. I'm way too busy.

Brendan, you're doing absolutely nothing. Bob Fosse didn't judge those

Okay, first of all, it wasn't Bob.

And secondly... Never mind.

Entree.

Hey, I got an hour, bud. You ready? Yeah, let's do this.

Weird. What's she doing here?

Watch a couple monkeys play Madden 09.

Yeah.

Beaker.

Bartini. I know that drink anywhere.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Okay, okay.

Okay, this one is.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

uh, uh,

uh,

Your time begins now. Okay.

Okay,

that is a bunch of squiggly lines. Okay, squiggly lines under the water,

squiggly lines under the pool, squiggly lines under the ocean.

Eels, it's got to be eels. Okay, school of fish, stingrays, eels, seaweed.

Yes, yes, right, right.

Oh, my God. Good call. I would have never guessed that one. Okay.

This is something long, like a log. It's a tube, some kind of log tube, a pole.

It's a hot dog. It's a hot dog, right? Okay, it's a hot dog with...

It's a hamburger.

It's a hamburger, right? Okay. And it's a hamburger with legs. And it's a

hamburger running.

Where's it coming from? It's going to McDonald's.

I don't know. It was a good game. That's not how it works. You're the enemy.

Don't high -five me.

Stupid games, right? Just having fun.

Hey, what's up? Hey, does your brother live north or south of Webster?

South. South. Got it.

Oh, how's the decathlon going?

Are you being a good sport?

I'm just playing to have fun.

We're losing. It's horrible.

But hey, I'm going to prove that I'm the better man.

Woman.

Girl. Whatever.

Hey, uh, how are the dudes?

Really boring. As dull as I thought they were, they get duller.

Really? Having said that, I have high hopes for Andy. He's got a family and a

full life. He's gonna need to blow off some steam.

Honey, are you sure you don't want to come to the zoo with me and the kids?

There's absolutely nothing I'd rather do, but it's the perfect day to get on

roof and clean out those gutters.

Okay. Just be careful on the ladder.

Cool. You know me, Mayor of Safetyville, where I recently passed a bill

demanding more safety.

Savannah, honey, where did you put the baby?

Oh, God.

Love you.

Savannah.

Remember, I'm a ghost. Just pretend I'm not here.

Got it.

Which letter is just to the left of the letter C on a computer keyboard?

Z.

Nope. Damn it.

X. Yes.

Who is the North God of Thunder?

The main man Thor.

Nerd. PJ, focus, please.

What alloy is formed when you combine tin with lead?

Tin. No, wait.

Yes. Tin and lead makes pewter? Pidge.

Sorry, I didn't know that.

And finally, what was the name of the robot girl on the 80s sitcom Small

Vicky. It's Vicky. That's correct.

Best show ever.

Okay, that's it.

And with a final score of 18 to 17, this round goes to...

Nicely done.

I can't believe this.

Which means the decathlon is tied.

Now, according to the new rules of the game, you are going to play a

The team that writes down the most correct answers in two minutes wins the

championship. And your time begins now.

Which male tennis star has the most Grand Slam titles?

Okay, okay. Well, um, Yvonne Lendl, um, Bjorn Borg, uh, Boris Becker. Rod Laver?

Well, actually, I was gonna say Pete. Oh, it's Federer.

You sure? Yeah, I was gonna go Pete Stanford. No, no, no, it's Federer. I'm

positive. I'm positive.

Okay. Kenny, I love you, but stop naming your tennis shoes.

In the thong, my darling Clementine, how did Clementine die?

She was hit by a bus.

Did they have buses back then?

Oh, she was swallowed by a horse. What are you talking about? Come on, I know

this. She said on a muffin. It's a muffet. It's a toughet. It's a wrong

rhyme. You're reading too many golden books. Just hold on a second, all right?

Guys, we should go Federer. Okay, let's do that. Okay, wait a minute. You

thought it was Sampras. No, but if Bobby's sure, let's write that down. But

you really think it's Sampras? It doesn't matter. Let's go with your

hon. PJ, you've got to stop doing this.

It's like you're not even trying. I'm totally trying.

No, you're not. Why aren't you trying? I'm totally trying. I'm being a team

player. I'm being nice. Why are you being nice in the middle of the

Because you told me I'm too competitive.

Why would you tell her she's too competitive in the middle of the

I didn't say that.

Oh, you did.

Okay, we don't have time for this.

You told me to relax.

What is wrong with you? Why would you tell her to relax?

No, but dude, it's because she was like all over me and she was making me pick

the spare ribs, but I was like... I know how to play Operation.

Oh, my God, I'm going to write down Rod Laver. No, no, no, no, no, no.

How's it coming?

I don't know. I'm sticking to the part where the guy's the miner, but he's,

uh... Oh, wait.

Wait, I got it.

She drowned.

She totally drowned. She drowned. She drowned.

Is that what this is about?

Because I told you to pick the steroid.

Well, when you put it like that, it makes it sound silly.

In Bobby's defense, a guy doesn't want to be told...

What to do in front of his buddies. It makes him seem a little bit like a wuss.

Well, Bobby's not like that. He's not like a guy guy.

See, that also makes me sound like a wuss. Am I right, Kenny? A little bit.

in PJ's defense, you told her to relax in the middle of the decathlon, speaking

of which, is it Sampras or Federer?

Sorry, I didn't mean to boss you around.

No, it's okay. It's okay. I overreacted. I'm sorry that I told you to relax.

And I don't think you're too competitive.

Really? No, you're not too competitive. You know who is?

Sampras. Or is it Federer?

Time's up. Pencil down, turn in your answer. What? Okay, I know it's Sampras.

Okay. You know it. Wait, we just have to write it down.

Okay.

Now, this team got one.

And this team...

God. None.

How is that possible?

None?

None?

That's one less than one.

Which means... Free

booze for a month!

Oh, and you know what?

Daddy's thirsty now, so pay up, bitches!

I think it was fun.

I'm gonna get so much expensive liquor, even if I don't like it!

Pete Sampras.

It's Pete Sampras.

Why do I have to be on a team with a couple?

Oh.

God, that's really kind of weird.

I think I'm just getting used to the fact that we're like a couple.

Yeah, yeah, me too.

I mean, maybe that's kind of part of it. When you told me what to do before we

were a couple, I always had the option of...

Ignoring you.

Well, I mean, you can still do that.

Can I?

Really?

Well, choose wisely.

Clearly. Boom!

Oh! And the streak continues.

Ah! I just took your money, dream team -er.

That's good. Keep going with it. Oh, I intend to. Yeah!

Bong! Hello.

All right, can we please get a moratorium on the high fives? There have

too many of them lately.

I would second that. Totally agree.

Okay, okay, but...

I think we should do one more.

Two, three, four, five. Oh, hello.

Bing.

Bing it.

Come on, holy man.

Okay, no more. I'm up.

Hey, you guys.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, so I turned in my article today and I brought a copy so that there would be

no surprises.

Burrito. Orange.

Drink. All right, what he's really like when you're not around.

What are we like? Totally awesome, right?

Sorry, ladies, they're complete duds.

What? What?

Come on.

Really? Come on, that's so lame.

Here we go. Okay, when we're not around, they just shut down. They power down

like robots.

Robots? Like good robots or evil robots?

Well, I mean, all robots start off good, but, you know. No, no, no, no, no. Here

is the thing.

You guys are on to something. So I decided to give it a try.

I spent an entire day on the couch in my sweats watching old movies.

Sounds like a pretty good day. Yeah.

I'm telling you, my skin has never felt better.

Right? We spend so much time trying to achieve that we've forgotten the

of powering down.

I encourage you ladies to take some time each day just to do nothing.

Completely zen, that's all I'm saying.

I'm totally confused.

Are we totally lame or are we totally kick -ass?

You're everything all at once.

Wow. We're deep.

Powering down's a beautiful thing.

I can't wait till my son's old enough and I can teach him how to power down

properly. Well, you are the master.

I can power down a millisecond.

Just did it.

And again.

That's a double one.

How's that burrito?

He's gonna put me totally to sleep.