Original subtitles

Jack flew in from New York, okay? He took me to this cool little Italian

in Wicker Park. We had this bottle of wine.

And... And then we went to this little blues place and we, um... We

danced. You danced?

I know. Me.

To blues.

Huh.

Can I see a little bit of what that looked like? Yeah, I think it's best for

both of us if I don't. Well, so now what?

Oh, God, I don't know.

I don't know. I mean, I really want Bobby to have a great wedding, and I

have fun with his brother Jack.

Maybe it just doesn't have to be more complicated than that. No, who cares

Bobby thinks about it? I don't. So you're not going to tell him, are you?

just that he has so much on his plate.

Hey, what are you guys doing here? I thought we said no poker.

Brando said it was okay.

Is it okay? I have to pack.

You know I can't not play poker.

I know.

That's why I invited him to play poker.

What about you, Bobby? Don't you have, like...

Getting married stuff to do?

Elsa kicked me out.

It's like you're already married. No, no. She said she wanted me to go out and

relax. She says I'm tense.

Hey, I need cash from everybody.

Oh, no.

I left my wallet in the car.

It's great. It's great. Now I have to walk outside and down the stairs and do

the whole front pocket.

Okay,

dude.

Anything we can do to help?

Yeah. Yeah, could you work on keeping my father sober and making sure he doesn't

embarrass me or make my mother cry?

Is there anything we can pick up for you? Maybe some light errands?

No, no, but thank you. Oh, so your buddy John is definitely going, right?

Because I made him a CD of some great local bands.

You made him a mixtape?

No, it's for our bar.

You know, it's just some suggestions of some music that I think he's really

going to like. So it's a mixtape?

Hey, high school crush, we're going to play poker or what?

Ooh, what's wrong with him?

Oh, his ladies found out about his plans to meet someone new at the wedding, and

they both dumped him.

Finally, some decent gossip.

Kenny, I'm sorry.

Me too.

No, no, man.

Weddings are the perfect place to rebound. So many sad, pretty girls

that their time's running out. They'll fall into the arms of the nearest guys,

and that's going to be us.

So you're using Bobby's wedding just to hook up? Hell yeah, it's the only reason

I'm going.

I can get behind that.

There's no reason I can't have a fun romantic time with Jack, while Bobby has

lovely wedding. I mean, look at this place.

It is ridiculous here. Is this all yours?

This is unbelievable.

Yeah, now I see why you had me sign a prenup.

Hey!

Chicagoans, welcome to California.

Hey, Dad.

I love a wedding.

Uh, you guys, this is my father, George Newman.

Hello again, Mr. Newman. Oh, please.

Call me dad.

You can call me daddy.

Well, that would make sense since I'm half your age.

I like her.

Where's your mother?

She's coming in tomorrow. She had some benefit.

Yeah, she hates me. Yep, she does.

So, Mr. Newman, you like horses?

No, I'm deathly afraid of them. But the ladies love the hat.

My, my.

Hello, Mrs. Newman number six.

You don't want that one. She's evil.

Well, that's the way I like him.

Like Vino?

You guys, I'm so, so sorry about him.

Who? Daddy?

Oh, no, come on. He's hilarious.

Oh, yes, he's hilarious. He keeps joking that he wants this to be a double

wedding, except it's not a joke. And now someone has got to save Stephanie.

Where's Jack? I need Jack.

Right here.

What's up, little brother? Hey, I thought you were on dad patrol.

I am.

He's harmless. Just laugh at everything he says and eventually he'll fall

asleep. And Bobby... Oh, Dad!

No, Dad!

Welcome to the insanity that is the name of Daniel.

Hey. Hey.

I had a really good time at that blues place.

Did I dance?

I believe you did.

We both did.

You also sat in on Harmonica.

I did? No.

But now the dancing part doesn't seem nearly as humiliating, does it?

This place is incredible.

What are you looking at the place for? Look at the Swedes.

It's on.

The Kenster is going hunting tonight.

Really? Seriously?

Who's the Kenster?

Those girls are cute.

Yeah, they're pretty.

Excuse me?

Well, they're pretty, but aren't you a little old to be playing with girls?

Wow, this is fun for all ages.

Pace yourself, Mike. It's going to be a long weekend.

Oh, check out Haas here.

Howdy.

Howdy? Really? Are you trying to repel women?

Just you.

Howdy, howdy, howdy.

It's not working. It's embarrassing.

Well, Bobby's dad says howdy. Well, Bobby's dad is rich.

He can say whatever he wants.

Fine. I won't say howdy. And no hat.

Makes your puny little head look even punier.

Puny's a terrible word.

Hey, guys.

Hey, buddy.

Everyone's ready. I can show you your room.

And then after that, we have the welcome wine tasting, followed by the welcoming

barbecue. It's all printed in your welcome package.

We just really want you to feel welcome.

Come on.

Hey, eating candy will still feel welcome even if you miss the welcome

tasting. Maybe. Who'd want to make the welcome barbecue?

Hi. Hi.

Um, look, I don't want to keep you from the welcome whatever they have planned.

I just really wanted to do this.

Oh, wait, Jack.

I was thinking, it might be better if we didn't tell Bobby about us. You know,

it's his wedding, and he's just got so much going on. I just... Yeah, that's

fine. He doesn't need to know.

Wait, why? Are you embarrassed of me?

Yes, totally.

Because I don't think that's very funny.

Seriously? Can you stop talking?

Jack!

And that's why they call it California.

That is a fun fact.

What's up?

Have you guys seen, like, 20 Swedes come by?

No. I think I've lost half of Elsa's family.

Already? They just got here. Couldn't have gone far. They are a slippery

Okay, that was too close.

30 ,000 square feet. I think we could have a little privacy.

And that's why California cheese is so dense.

It's okay.

She knows.

Good cover, though. Never would have guessed.

Dude, wine tasting is really just a classy way for people to get day drunk.

I hate wine. Can I get a beer?

All right, then fill it up.

Keep it coming.

Come on. Come on.

Do it. Do it.

There you go.

Like I said, classy.

And then Dad proposed, and I laughed.

He wasn't joking.

Did you tell him he was a great guy, but?

No, I told him he was weird and creepy and to take his hand off my knee.

See? That's all you gotta do.

Jack,

could you go corral Dad, please? He just hit on Elsa's mom.

Well, at least she's age -appropriate.

Yes, except she's married to Elsa's dad.

You know how Dad is when he's been drinking.

Okay, just stop letting him get you so crazy. I know, but can you just get him

out of here? Yes, I will talk to him after we finish this pinot.

Right. He could be married by then.

Maybe you should help him.

Way beyond help.

Plus, my dad, he's harmless.

He's harmless.

I said no.

Stop proposing.

Excuse me.

Kenny. What are you wearing?

My lucky flip -flops.

Even after four glasses of wine, you still repulse me.

You have to change your clothes.

What? Why?

Because if you ever want a woman to be interested in you again, you need to

listen to me. Why are you helping me?

I'm in the most beautiful location I've ever been to.

Surrounded by lush vineyards and beautiful mountains, and all I can see

ugly, lucky flip -flops. So you're doing this for you?

Of course, sweetie.

Well, good luck, son. Pretty sure this one likes the ladies.

What? What?

What'd I say?

It is so great to have you and your brother back here. I really miss those

vacations where we used to beat the tar out of each other.

Yes, those were the days.

Who won?

You know, it's really not important.

We were just kids. Kids wrestling.

So Jack won. Every time.

Well, not every time.

Thank you. Sometimes you bit me.

Now, come on, when?

Scar right there, see?

Look at his little bobby teeth marks.

Well, he was 22.

Okay. Okay, what about this one? You remember that? Your archery set?

Dude, that's nothing.

Hockey stick.

Beer bottle.

Wendy.

Oh, man, you made it real.

Still don't like it, but I need a refill.

Oh, I love that year.

Perfectly aged. Really an amazing blend.

Yeah. Who doesn't love an old wine blend?

You know nothing about wine, do you? No, I'm more of a beer guy.

Well, the thing about drinking wine is savoring the experience, not rushing to

some finish line of being drunk.

See, that's where it loses me.

Oh, there's a white over here that if you really sip it and savor it, it kind

tastes like beer. Really?

No, it's wine.

You're in a vineyard. This isn't Milwaukee.

You know, Milwaukee is actually the New York of Wisconsin.

A lot of people don't know that.

So, I think I'm going to go lay down for a bit.

Sleep off some of this wine.

Well, you can't lay down.

If you nap now, you're done for the day and you'll miss the barbecue.

You've got to power through.

Change your shoes. Take a shower, but no napping.

Come on, Brendan. Any respectable day drinker knows that.

Look, I just want to close my eyes. No napping!

No one should be alone.

Everyone find a no -nap buddy.

Buddy.

Excuse me.

I need someone to make sure that I don't go to sleep.

Huh.

Yeah, I could do that.

Hey.

I never got to finish showing you around the property.

Oh, yeah?

Well, judging from the size, that could take like a month.

How do you feel about meeting me over by the guest house?

Can you be more specific?

It's on your welcome map.

I've got good news and bad news.

Good news is, I think I may have met wife number six.

Sorry, ladies.

The ship has sailed.

Unless, of course, you feel like you have second thoughts.

Bon voyage.

Um, Dad, what's the bad news?

Oh, the bad news, yeah. The minister called. He can't make the ceremony. He's

got kidneys, though.

No, no, the wedding is in two days.

That is okay. We will just find another minister.

Well, we better make this happen because Anna could be so upset if we can't work

this out.

Have you seen Jack?

No. I have no idea where he is. Yeah, of course not, because whenever I need

him, he's not around. Man, I asked him to do one thing, and he couldn't even

stop Dad from hitting on Elsa.

Wait, wait, wait. Your dad hit on your fiancée? Yes, he said he didn't know it

was her. He said they all look alike to him.

Well, maybe you should be mad at your dad and not Jack.

I just want him to be a little more helpful. You know, he's my best man, and

would be nice if he started acting like it. All right, well, is there anything I

can do? If you wouldn't mind marrying my dad, I think that would take a lot of

the pressure off.

Well, the question is, could I live with the hat?

No, man, I'm not being a baby. I'm allergic to bees. All right.

Hey, man, what you doing?

Just having a snack.

Alone? Yeah.

Just a guy having a snack.

Cheese. Nice.

Yeah, that's really dense California cheese.

Strawberry chocolate campaign, and it was how to pack a picnic. All right.

Brando, you want one? Oh, come on. What's my name, baby?

Jackpot. Fence of chocolate.

Thank you. Oh, hey, handsome.

I like this look.

Thank you. Is it true you don't look disgusting?

Well, you don't look like crap either.

You know, you could learn something from this.

What? This? No, no, no. I wore this for John. Inside joke. Oh, I had a message

from John. He's actually stuck in Chicago. It doesn't look like he's going

make it out here. No.

Yeah. Sorry.

Man, we're going to steal the bar deal. Well, you're just going to have to

cruise for chicks like the rest of us. You may want to change into something

nicer.

Okay.

Hey, where is everybody?

Naps. I tried to warn them. You can't save guys.

And where's Mike?

Oh. I'm sure he's on his way. No chance he'd close his eyes.

What is this? I don't know, but it tastes expensive.

Hey. Hey. Hey, buddy.

Hey.

We're so happy you made it. Hey. Hey, there he is. Place makes me feel poor.

That's what my dad said, too.

Hey, Andy.

Hey. All right.

There's no luck on the minister.

I did find a rabbi's wife and a doula.

Okay, what's a doula, and can they marry us? No idea, and not in California.

Our minister got kidney stones, so we're searching for a new one. No, I'm a

minister. I'm a candlestick maker. I'm president. What are we doing?

No, I did one of those online church things to marry these friends of mine

ago. So legally, I can marry people.

You're kidding. That's awesome.

I should find out if my certificate is still up to date, but... Uh -oh, what if

it's not?

Well, then we got a big problem, because I think it cost 12 bucks to renew it.

Judging from this shack, I don't know if you can afford it.

We'll work it out.

Thank you.

Uh, what happened to you?

I was waiting.

Oh, my God, I am so sorry. We had a little crisis.

Oh, man, I have been looking for you everywhere.

I'm right here. What do you need?

Well, I needed your help. We were trying to find a new minister and... We found

one, right? And it's going to be okay, right?

See?

All fixed.

Bobby, you need to take it easy.

Have some fun. Enjoy your wedding. Right, PJ?

Oh, look.

Teeny tiny hot dogs.

Get out of town.

You almost found them, right?

Nah. Probably turned the ground some hot.

If we could kind of gather around, we wanted to do a little toast.

Thank you so much for coming. I can't tell you how happy we are to have you

here.

Yes, yes. Thank you all for being here for our very special occasion.

It's not that special.

Dad's done it five times.

All right, come on, guys. Relax, okay? I'm just trying to lighten things up a

little bit. It's just where we started.

Stop it, please.

Okay. Sorry.

I just thought, you know, it's a wedding. It's supposed to be a

right? So, you know, fun.

So... Oh, no, okay. Just, sorry.

Go ahead. Do your thing.

Huh. That's weird. You're being rude and insulting.

Usually you're such a gentleman. Oh.

Really? I'm the bad guy? We're trying to get you to loosen up? I don't need to

loosen up.

Obviously. Looks like you're having a great time, Bobby. I would be. I would

if you would stop talking.

Okay. Great. All right. Give your little speech there, skinny. Oh.

Oh.

Wow. Sorry, Elsa.

It's okay. No, you know what? It's not okay. It's fine. She's got some wet

okay? It's all right.

Loosen up, buddy. Can you get your arm off of me? No, buddy.

No, no. I'm serious, okay?

What is your problem?

Really? Okay.

Whoa!

Wait! Wait! Oh, my God.

50 bucks on Jack. I'll take that bet. Somebody do something.

Oh, let him fight. It's good for him. Buddy.

Buddy.

You okay?

Of course he is. He was winning.

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm just a little embarrassed.

Let's just go upstairs, okay?

Okay.

I'm sorry, everyone.

That was awful.

All right, I'm going to go talk to Jack.

I'm going to fix this.

Yeah, yeah.

How's she going to fix it? Why would you listen to her?

And what'd I tell you about prying?

That no one likes a nosy Nellie. Then don't be one.

Wedding checklist.

Wear bad bridesmaid dress.

Drink too much tequila. And oh, get in the middle of big family fight.

I have not had enough tequila.

That was stupid, huh?

Kind of.

I don't know what happened. I was just making some dumb jokes, you know?

He's so sensitive.

Well, you know, it's his wedding, and... Wait, do you think it was my fault?

Well, I actually don't really think it matters whose fault it is. I just think,

you know, it's his weekend, and he's probably entitled to be a little

right? So you do think it's my fault. No, you're not listening to me. I'm...

I am listening to you.

Yeah, you know, and I've heard this my whole life.

It always happens whenever we get together.

You know, something goes down, it's always Jack's fault. It's always poor

Bobby and his big bad brother Jack.

It's a classic.

Well, Jack, I think you're actually being a little dramatic.

I'm being dramatic?

Okay. Sorry for that. Look, I really appreciate you trying to help, but you

can't change Newman family history.

Wait, what are you doing?

I'm removing myself from the drama.

Wait, come on, stop packing.

PJ, trust me.

Things will be a lot smoother if I just leave.

No, but that's not what I'm saying.

Jack, don't leave.

Tell Bobby good luck.

You see, this is why you should hook up with someone you're never going to see

again.

I mean, why do I have to make things so complicated?