Original subtitles

Picture of delicious, anyone?

Here, here, here.

Is that my shirt?

Oh, yes. Sorry, we were playing with Savannah in the kiddie pool. Mine got

wet. Did Elsa get all wet?

Oh, that's crossing the line.

What? This girlfriend you're talking about, man. So that's the line now,

I thought it was oil, like all oiled up.

Fine,

okay, I'll say some stuff then, and you tell me where the line is.

Elsa shopping for vegetables.

Elsa eating chocolate cake.

Elsa horseback riding.

What are you doing? Maybe let's not do this.

Dude, it's his girlfriend, all right? Show some respect. Man's got feelings

her. Feelings?

What, are you in love?

I gotta go.

Seriously, seriously, I have to take off soon because Elsa and I are watching

this Project Runway marathon tonight.

Project Runway? The show where they make shirts?

You watch that show?

Lame, dude.

I could make a shirt. No way.

You have any idea how hard that is? How hard can it be?

Take a needle, some cloth, a little string. You mean thread?

Whatever. I can make a shirt. You can't make a shirt. You can't even make your

own bed.

How much do you want to bet?

$35 ,000.

Free booze for a month.

Fine. We'll do a competition.

Everybody takes 20 bucks, buys some fabric, you buy some string, spend the

three days making shirts, and on Saturday we show them off.

Okay. Dude with the best shirt drinks for free for the month on the loser's

dime. I like it. I'm in. In.

Andy? It's okay. I've discovered a little place called The Gap. Turns out

make shirts.

Besides, I got a lot on my plate.

Joe and I are putting the final touches on this big real estate deal. I guess

we're going to need models for our shirts.

I call Elsa.

All right, take it easy.

What? I didn't cross the line. I didn't say something like, my shirt's going to

be made of lotion.

No way!

No way!

I can't stop smiling. I think I'm skipping, but I don't care.

There's a new man in my life, and I think it's going to change everything.

Okay, what would be the craziest thing I could tell you guys right now? You can

fly. You're a dude.

I don't want to play this game anymore.

You ready?

I am writing a book.

Wait for it.

I am writing a book with and about Spike Upton.

Wait, what? Spike Upton.

As in the picture, Spike Upton, from the Met. Yes, the one and only. Why haven't

you told us about this? I didn't want to jinx it. I wanted to wait until I got

the job. How did you even get that job? Well, Jack Briscoe set me up with

Spike's agent.

His agent read my samples. We met. We totally hit it off. And I'm writing a

with Spike Upton.

Unbelievable. I'm so proud of you. This is huge. This is big time. Okay, can we

meet him?

Hey, Kenny, why don't you just relax, okay? He's just a guy.

Puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like everybody else. His

baseball uniform pants?

Hey, PJ.

Spike! Hey, how's it going?

Uh, these are my friends. This is my brother Andy. Hey, Spike.

This is Brendan.

How's it going? Mike Cowhead. Big fan.

Oh, thanks.

Huge. You're awesome.

Much better looking in person.

Take it easy.

Oh, I can't help it. I'm just, uh, I'm a huge Mets fan.

He's from Chicago.

Mets the number one!

It's all right. I'm from Chicago.

I grew up a Cubs fan.

Me too!

We have so much in common. I knew we would. Hi, I'm Kenny. He's a little

I've seen worse.

You ever been to Shea on a Tuesday?

Tuesday!

We're going off to dinner to celebrate our book, huh?

That's right.

I'm excited to start writing, although I gotta say, I don't even know where to

begin. No, it's like I said, your story writes itself.

Awesome in college, awesome in New York. It should just be called Totally

Awesome by Spike Upton.

Order now and you'll also receive I Creeped Out Spike Upton by Mike

Let's go. Later, guys.

All right, let me see. What did you guys get at the fabric store?

Okay, well, I went with some really vibrant colors, like perfect for late

spring, early summer, what have you.

I went with stretchy fabric. Andy, come on. It's not too late to get into the

competition. No time.

This Park Ridge deal's been keeping me busy. I've been pulling a lot of late

nights at the office with Joe.

Bet Savannah misses you.

Are you kidding? She's good.

Bobby and Elsa, they're like her own private Ken and Barbie.

We went to Target this morning. Did you grab those socks for me? Top drawer,

bedroom dresser. Thanks, honey.

Speaking of work, what's up with our newest and bestest buddy? I don't know.

It's weird.

Bike's not like...

As focused as you might think, he's kind of ADD.

And he's really into decorating my apartment.

He bought me sconces.

That is weird.

Okay, let me say something. As your friend and the biggest Mets fan ever,

is the most important relationship of your life. More important than your

husband, whoever he is. I had money on Thorne.

You did with who?

Nobody. Okay, that's not the point. Look, the point is that he's famous. I

like to be his friend, so please don't screw this up.

I know, but it's really hard, okay? We've had, like, three meetings, and

barely gotten any work done. Well, if you ask me... We didn't.

He can't expect you to do all the work, you know? I mean, he has to meet you

halfway. If he's not into the book, then just move on. No, I can't do that. This

book is a huge career changer for me.

Hey, buddy. Hey, Rendo.

Dude, you missed our trip to the fabric store.

Oh, sorry about that, guys. I, um... I lost my job.

What? Coast has been turned over to a computer.

Dude. That sucks, man. What happened?

Man's cutting costs again. The whole station's automated now.

I've been replaced by an iPod.

My God, that's terrible.

I know.

Oh, Brando, I'm so sorry, man. I gotta say, I was really starting to enjoy the

coast. The Coast FM.

I wish there was some magic potion that could make all your troubles go away.

Look what we have here.

Hurry up with the sewing machine, Bob. I got a book from 4 to 5.

You know, it's kind of cute to watch you guys try, but you don't stand a chance

here. You're dealing with the master. I'm kind of like the Tiger Woods of

sewing. You know what, buddy?

We're going to let you have that one.

That does look like it's coming along nicely.

Look at that scene.

Really? I have no idea. You could hold up a washcloth. I wouldn't know the

difference. Well, it's a good thing you're a judge.

You know, Elsa and I are taking Savannah to the Shed Aquarium tomorrow.

Well, as long as you're taking over my job as man around the house. You think

you could check out the showerhead in the guest bathroom? I think we need a

one. Took care of it yesterday.

Bobby, I love you.

Killed me to say this, but I don't hate the pattern.

What happened to your voice?

My allergies are acting up. I'm allergic to cats.

And pigs.

You sound sexy.

Really? No.

Oh, you guys are not going to believe this. Spike never showed up for work.

do you mean?

I went to his hotel to meet him, and he blew me off.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to sit at a hotel bar for three hours and

not drink?

I ate two pounds of nuts.

That's terrible. Well, not the nut part. That's always been a fantasy of mine.

He's a professional athlete, okay? He leads a completely different life.

He can't be bothered to be places at certain times.

Yeah, but how am I supposed to write a book with him? First, I can't get him to

focus. Now, I can't even find him. He's busy. Just write it for him. Make up a

bunch of stuff.

You know, I like pandas, corn dogs, New York never sleeps, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, done.

Dude, she can't do that.

You don't even want to do that.

I mean, I loved good sports books when I was a kid. You know, they inspired me.

I want to inspire other kids.

I know, me too, man. I loved I Am Third.

Secret Hoops.

Seabiscuit. Rudy.

Rudy.

Rudy. Rudy.

Rudy.

We're done?

Seriously, guys, I need you to help me figure out a way to get through to this

guy. Okay, you have to make him understand that he's got a great story

No, I've tried that. Well, he's a baseball player.

Maybe he just needs a little coaching. You know, let him know who's boss.

Look at this face.

He's very big.

Tell him you're 110%. Coaches say that kind of stuff all the time. Yeah, it's

the bottom of the ninth. Base is loaded. Fourth and one. This is our house.

Remember the Alamo.

What are you talking about?

I don't know. You always tell him what my old softball coach used to say to me.

You're awkward, you're slow, and I'm worried you might get hurt.

Brando!

room working the phones trying to find another job it's sort of pressing all

old rock stations are gone unless i want to move to el paso brando come on

you're a great dj there's got to be another gig out there for you dude

can get really hot not even drunk trust me there are no gigs i mean do you think

i would have spent another day playing the soft hits of the 70s if there were

other jobs out there And I need something, man. I'm not exactly flush

right now. Well, you could always sell off a chunk of your massive record

collection. To who?

All the used record stores are gone, too.

Record stores, radio stations, DJs, all gone.

Extinct. Just like the pig -nosed bandicoot.

Elsa has a minor in zoology.

You know, you could just get a job like bartending for some quick cash.

Yeah, there's like two million bars in Chicago. You could have a job by the end

of the week, for sure.

I haven't bartended since college.

But you've been doing a lot of research from the other side of the bar. Uh -huh.

It would be cash in hand really soon.

Yeah, but even in college, it wasn't really bartending, you know? I was just

sort of in my dorm room cracking Zimas for trampy chicks.

Hey! I had a Zima in your dorm room.

And?

And then I slept with your roommate.

Hey, PJ. Sorry I'm late.

Oh, hey, guys.

Jordan wanted to play 18 at Medina, so we played 18 at Medina. Because when

Michael Jordan wants to play 18 at Medina, you play 18 at Medina.

Quick, guys, hide the shirts. I don't want Spike to see our lady work. What's

up, guys? What are you doing? Oh, nothing.

Just a bunch of guys.

This shirt?

Cool.

Really? You might not know this, but I got my own clothing line.

No, I know.

What's up, Tin?

I love it. I have your pants.

That sounds weird.

The guys are in the middle of a shirt -making competition.

Oh, you mean like Project Runway?

I love that show. Do you just hate Christmas? It's like my favorite show in

whole planet. I watch it all the time. All over again.

Incredible. Guys, let me check out your stuff.

Hey, let's just get a little bit of work done first.

Yeah, this will only take a second. What do you got?

Check this out, Spike. This is mine. Hey, Spike, can I talk to you in the

kitchen for a second?

Yeah. Come on.

Cool.

Hey,

Spike.

What's going on?

It's my putting.

That's what's costing me.

No, I mean, do you want to do this book?

Oh, yeah.

Then act like it, all right? Act like it matters.

I do.

No, you don't. You seem to want to do anything else but write this book. Oh,

that's not true.

Cool, fruit.

Jeez.

Look, Spike.

Would you screw around like this before a start against Atlanta?

No. Because what would happen if you did?

I'd get shelled.

All right, well, this is exactly the same thing, okay?

You want to write a book, you've got to give it 110%. Do you know why? Why?

Because you are a role model. And a good Spike Upton book could move and inspire

all these kids who look up to you.

Really? Yeah.

Okay, what was your favorite book when you grew up?

Um, it was a book about how awesome Ernie Banks was. Do you see what I mean?

Yes. Now, I want you to settle down. I want you to get into your rhythm and

this off.

Yes, ma 'am. Go get him.

Ow!

Hey, you want to hear something funny?

I am actually starting to miss Gordon Lightfoot. No, that is so sad.

No, not as sad as this.

I've got an interview.

Some swanky bar over on Damon.

That's great.

So, what do you think? Tucked? Untucked? Tucked. Really?

Damn. You're good.

I feel like an idiot.

Oh, how did your little talk with Spike go?

Oh, my God. I think I finally got through to him. Yesterday we worked for

three hours.

After that we went antiquing. He bought me this brass urn.

Huh.

Yeah, I think some people just need solid coaching.

Well, you got any pointers for me?

Lie about your resume?

Way ahead of you there.

Two years, head bartender at Flush.

So, Flush.

Never heard of that place. Sounds made up. Yeah, right?

That's probably why I closed.

So, look, mate, I've got to say, I've got some concerns with your resume. Oh,

well, I've been DJing for the past eight years, you know, so I've been kind of

busy with that.

Yeah, fantastic. Well, look, mate, I've got to be honest with you. I need

someone with a bit more experience. This place gets absolutely mad every night

of the week.

Oh, my God. Hi, Brendan.

Hey.

Wendy? Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Whoa.

What is that?

Oh, it's a baby.

Baby?

Is it yours?

Mine? Well, yeah, ours.

Actually, Des plus me, so... This Des?

Oh, I certainly hope so.

Yeah, Des and I are married.

Yeah, seven glorious months.

Oh.

Wow, wow. That's a lot of information that just...

Yeah. Huh.

Uh, well, this, this is Brendan.

Brendan.

Brendan.

Oh, Brendan.

Nice. Yeah, fantastic. Nice to meet you.

What are you doing here?

Well, shouldn't you be at work?

Oh, yeah, they finally killed the station.

Yeah, it was Iron Maiden one minute and Air Supply the next. Bloody hell.

Brendan, I'm really sorry.

Yeah.

Well, look, seeing as though you're an old...

friend of the family, maybe we could start you off as a barback. Or you could

just get some experience in a small pub, come back and see me in a year.

Oh, he's constantly expanding. Yeah, opening up a new place in Logan Square

week. Expanding locally as well.

Yeah,

you know, I'm going to think about that.

In the meantime, I've got to go right now, though.

I've got some stuff, you know, some top secret stuff that I'm kind of...

So good luck with that.

Well, you too.

Yeah, OK. All right.

The guy is British, okay?

British. I mean, how can I compete with that? They're just cooler. So much

cooler. Oh, the accent.

It makes him so much more attractive.

Colin Firth. Jude Law.

Oh, the new James Bond guy?

Oh, my God, could you just die? Oh, I mean, a British accent and a Zima, done

and done.

Did she see the signs?

I mean, did Wendy know that I was going to crash and burn this summer? Is that

why she left me? I mean, it's just so embarrassing.

Well, nobody could have seen this coming, Bren.

Yeah, right?

I mean, on top of that, she called me Brendan.

That whore.

No, it drives him crazy when his girlfriend uses his full name. I don't

know what button it pushes, but it's a big one, huh?

Here, drink right from the pitcher. You deserve it, girl.

Thanks, but I gotta get ready for this stupid contest.

Oh, hey, there's Jack. Hang on a minute.

Don't. I was just looking.

Jack. Hey, what you doing here? I'm looking for you.

Oh. Got some good news and some bad news, kiddo.

The bad news, your buddy Spike is walking away from the book project.

No. Yeah, but the good news is you're in a bar, which is the best place to be

when your hopes and dreams are crushed like little bugs.

No, wait, okay, wait, you're kidding me. What happened? I don't know. His agent

said something about he had to get down to Amish country to look for quilts.

Oh, God, I can't believe it. I thought I finally got through to him.

Yeah, well, somebody did.

Apparently some idiot told him that he was going to have to give 110 % to this

book.

God.

You know, Jack, I really wanted this to work. I mean, I tried and I tried and I

tried. Yeah, I know, PJ, but the truth is, you know, you're not the first

to strike out with Spike Upton. No pun intended.

Was it? No, they've gone to a couple of people with a little more experience

first.

34 people to be exact.

Okay. Anyway, you hang in there, kiddo. Don't you let the bastard grind you

down.

Oh!

Nice!

Oh!

Wow. Yeah.

So, Mike, I'm actually impressed.

Tell us about your shirt.

Well, it's from my night and day collection. Perfect for work, but also

for the club.

Could you turn around, please?

Bang! Oh, God!

Bang! Because when a guy's dancing, his back gets hot.

Right. Okay, Kenny, what about you?

Well, as you know, I'm Italian.

I have.

Anyway, I've always been inspired by the neighborhood cafe, where you know

everybody, where mama brings you a nice pasta fazool, maybe a good chicken par,

maybe an ice pot.

You're wearing a tablecloth. I'm wearing a tablecloth.

Kenny, what happened to the shirt you were working on?

I still wouldn't have gone tablecloth.

Brando, tell us about your shirt.

She married a dude who owns a bar.

Let's move on.

Yeah, yeah.

That is a very nice shirt, Bobby.

Who made your shirt, Bob?

Me.

Elsa.

Okay, guys, thank you very much. We'll call you when we're ready.

Boom.

Oh, God, it's just so good.

The fashion disaster.

I'm permanently scarred. I didn't think they could do it, but I didn't think it

would be that bad.

I mean, they were tasteless. They were poorly made.

And I didn't like the shirts either.

So what should we do? Well, one of them's got to win, right?

Or maybe one of them doesn't have to lose as much as the other ones.

I know what to do.

Guys?

We have picked a winner.

Bobby, you cheated.

Kenny, it's a tablecloth. Mike. Bang. Oh, no, don't.

Brando, you are the winner of Project Crowley's. Congratulations.

What? Come on. We found your shirt was unique, avant -garde, and expresses a

about you and your personal pain.

Ha! Yes, I knew it.

Took me ten minutes to do this thing. Woo!

God, I can't believe I drink for free.

What should I get?

What should I get?

Sympathy vote, huh?

Oh, come on. Look how happy he is.

Are you going to keep wearing that?

No. I'm going to put this on.

They're not even drunk.