Original subtitles

Hey, my neighbors Jenny and Brett barbecued a tri -tip. There's some extra

the fridge.

Free meat.

Hoffman Estates rules.

It's actually kind of growing on me. Seriously?

Yeah, people are super friendly.

My catty -corner neighbor, Fitzy, mowed my lawn.

Just cats.

Now, is it catty -corner or is it kitty -corner? Catty -corner.

Boop. Ew.

I should do something nice for Fitzy in return.

What's the protocol?

I don't know. You could reseal his driveway for him. That's a suburbs

right? Yeah, but where does it end? He paints my house. I put a pool in his

backyard. Next thing you know, we're raising a barn like an Amish community.

Oh, my God. I just got an email. Lissa is coming in from New York for the

weekend. She's my old buddy from college, the editor of my newspaper.

She gave me my first column.

She's hot and single.

Every player starts out as a humble rookie.

Along the way, the challenge is, how do you stay that way throughout your

career? What up, Chicago's 37th sexiest bachelor?

Brando, be later. Where have you been?

Sorry, man. Hams here had a huge craving for Belgian wafts. I'm a little dry

here. Any juice?

Right there. Oh, Hams, this is them.

Yes.

Brando, we dealt you in.

Oh, dudes, no, I'm not staying. I just came by to grab a little shout -out

before we head out.

Head out? It's 11 .30.

Don't your clothes have to get up for school tomorrow?

Whatevs, man. Noah's Ark doesn't even open till midnight.

Get it.

Nice. That's what you two look like when you high -five.

Dude, you're already in. Just play the hand.

All right, fine.

What do we got?

All right, I'm all in.

What? I got a hand.

And I called.

I got a call.

No,

no, it's just some lame apartment.

One girl.

No, not really.

It's like a six, 6 .5.

No, that's impossible. Are you kidding me? That's a bad beat. Hey, you wanted

to play, so I did.

Sorry, baby.

Wow. Hey, Sweets, I'm going to need to get online ASAP.

Hey, partner, did I tell you? I ordered something for the store that I think

you're going to dig. You ordered something without asking me?

No, I ordered something great without asking you. What is it? I can't tell

Otherwise, I'd be a surprise ruiner, like Robert.

I am sorry. I thought you knew that James Bond gets caught and told the evil

secret. He's in handcuffs on the poster.

What up? What up, hairdo?

You sick or something?

Oh, no, man. This is my new drink. Electric season vodka.

Ew. Okay, so I'm thinking I'm going to take Lissa off to Evanston, right?

Because we're going to go to Miller's bookstore like we used to and pick out

books and have coffee and, you know, it's just going to be just like old

You think she'll like it? I don't know. I never really knew her. I mean, I think

she and I once shared a bagel.

But I'm sorry I won't be seeing her.

No, why not?

Remember, I'm going to Lake Geneva tomorrow with Lance.

I'm having a top -secret practice vacation night to see if he's really

material. So, wait, if it goes well, you're going to ask him? No, if it goes

well, I'm going to ask him to saga talk for a weekend. And if that goes well...

Okay, okay, I get it. I get it.

Ooh, I got the go.

Hams is hooking me up with the booth at the Brimstone.

Wait, we already got tickets to the midnight show of the Simpsons movie.

Yes, and I will definitely, definitely be there.

Oh, guys, do me a solid and cover my C's and F's.

I only got enough cash for a tax.

Peace.

Okay, does anybody know that douchebag who just left?

Not me. I don't hang with douches. What's wrong with him? Ever since you

him that sexiest bachelor thing, he's been shortening his words, wafts and

Yeah, it's annoying.

Hey, guys.

Sorry I'm late. I got spit seeds.

Tried to leave. He stopped me. We started talking. Next thing I know, I'm

helping him put a kegerator in his garage.

What's that smell?

Mrs. Fitzy made zucchini bread, zucchini muffins, and something called zucchini

spread, which is on the toll road because it smelled like a hot pond.

Some players get to the majors and struggle, and others hit the ground

and become all -stars right away.

PJ?

PJ, PJ, you have to meet my friends. This is Tina, Debbie, and Veronica.

Hi. Oh, I'm so happy you could join us.

Oh, yeah, me too. I didn't know you were bringing friends.

So, PJ, listen to us put you right for sports. She covers the Cubs, and she's

brilliant. Wow. So, come on, tell us. Tell you what? You know, which Cub

the biggest bat?

Can we please go eat? I am literally starving to death. Is there anywhere to

in Chicago?

Oh, I just had such a craving for that Cuban place on 9th Avenue.

You would love this place. Small, great sangria.

Hotty hot waiters. Am I right?

It sounds great.

Well, it's New York.

Of course it's great. They have the best meatballs.

You already mentioned the waiters.

I just can't believe I'm seeing you.

Very exciting, partner.

My order has arrived.

Are you ready?

And the home of...

Did you steal some little girl's swimsuit? It's Mary Lou Retton. Mary Lou

Retton? That's not going in my store, man. Man, she was tiny.

I sell sports memorabilia.

Sports? Gymnastics is a sport. No, it's not. Can you play defense?

No, but you keep scoring. The most points wins.

So Family Feud is a sport?

Has it been washed?

Hey, what up, kids?

Check this out. I went to Billy Corey's birthday party last night. What? Oh,

thanks. Brandon, you totally blew off the Simpsons movie. What?

Oh, dude, this party was flammin', man. There was no way I could beat it. Check

this out, okay?

Me and Billy.

Me and Billy.

Billy buying me a drink.

Oh, and this is this hilarious little dog I saw. Check that out. Look at him

Look at the face.

He's almost human. Dude, why didn't you invite us to the party?

I just kind of figured it wasn't your scene, you know?

I didn't know we had a scene. Yeah, what's our scene? The one where we wait

around for our friend who never shows?

All right, all right, look.

You know what? I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'll have a little discussion with Hams.

See if he can get you guys into Lab Rat.

Lab Rat?

Yeah, you know that club? It used to be Blue Room before it was Suede.

The old pecker.

Oh, yeah.

You got a second?

Yeah.

So listen, I was sort of hoping that after this we could go up to Miller's

bookstore.

Miller's? I haven't thought about that place in forever.

Yeah? Yeah. Oh, that'd be great. I've never seen so much sausage. You should

Rio.

Guys,

I miss Bestie.

Oh, this adorable, vest -wearing kid from Iowa that brought up our midnight

melt. He made my tuna. No, no.

Please, Bill.

I'm out of champers.

Waiter. Yes.

So, are we pouring this now, or are you still working?

Right away, ma 'am.

So, what are we doing tonight?

Yeah, PJ, this is our big night in Chicago.

How are we spending it?

I was hoping to show you guys this place called Crowley's. It's a mellow dive,

but it's got... Great beer.

How about the Lab Rat? Oh, that sounds perfect. What is it? It's New York,

Chicago's favorite New York nightclub in Chicago.

What's New York, Chicago?

It's our tour book that lists places that are just like New York in other

cities. We have one for London, Atlanta, and Brooklyn. That's the best one.

The Lab Rat is so hot, it has bikini girls in gerbil balls.

Shouldn't it be the other way around?

One problem with all -stars?

You have to hang out with your entourage.

More champers? Oh, champers!

Andy, it's Saturday night.

Don't you have a wife and a child and a life in the suburbs?

I'm not driving back till my neighbor falls asleep.

Pitsy rented Braveheart and told me to give a knock when I get home.

What a nightmare. If my rolling rock sign's lit, it means I'm up. Give a

I miss the city where your neighbors are cold and suspicious.

The way it should be.

Mm -hmm. I found it. And here's the receipt from when I bought it. I guess I

thought I was going to do a lot of picnicking in 2002.

Oh, wow.

Thank you so much.

Since Lake Geneva went so well, Lance and I are going to a free concert at

Millennium Park.

Some jazz harpist.

What, a free jazz harpist? You guys, I don't want to go to the lab rat tonight,

and I don't know what to do.

Lissa seems like she's changed. She's completely New York -y. Well, you

seen her in seven years. I mean, that's a long time.

Yeah, but she was really cool, okay? And now she's completely different. I don't

know. Maybe it's her friends. They were so awful.

Yeah, you're at that age. What does that mean? You know, it's the time when

people really start to become who they are.

You end up drifting apart from people who were once really important to you.

Yeah, I guess I just don't really want to drift apart from her.

Well, maybe you should tell her that. But sometimes you gotta let a friend go.

And it's a good thing.

Because when you get to be my age, you barely have time for the friends you

have. Certainly don't have time to fit in new ones.

Fitzy. I guess.

It was so weird. All she wanted to do today was spot and club.

I like your verbs that are things.

I think I'm gonna sandwich after I sofa here for a bit.

This is absurd.

It's going to be an hour and 30 bucks before we even get to the bar.

Totally barbaric. I have arrived.

Fall in.

Are you President Brando?

by 50 ,000 people every day of all walks of life.

It just made me so accepting.

Excuse me, could you back up? Old Spice makes me sick.

Chicago bartenders are so slow.

On the plus side, these are only 20 bucks each.

Here's to finding a guy who knows more about de beers than de bears.

You guys want to meet some great Chicago guys?

Honey, I want to eat some real... Okay.

My God, look at that place.

Oh, look out.

Whoa.

Girls and gerbil balls. I bet you think that's a sport, too.

They race? Yeah.

Where the heck did Brendan go?

Veronica, Debbie. Veronica.

Debbie. Tina.

My bad.

And that's my old pal, Lisa.

Oh. Hey, guys.

We're just about to go to the bar and beg for some drinks. You want us to beg

you anything?

Yeah. I'll have a hip and hop with Grey Goose and Corlejo.

A what?

Oh, it's like a Cosmo with tequila.

Mmm. Yeah.

So how long are you... Two nights. And what are you... Consulting.

I love New York.

The city that never sleeps.

Do you sleep?

Or are you up all night?

Oh, I burn the candle at both ends. Ooh, that's a lot of work.

Totally. Fire hazard.

What are we talking about?

Lisa.

You know, I feel like we haven't had a chance to catch up at all. I know.

Well, you know what? Maybe tomorrow, before you leave, we could...

I don't know, just the two of us. We could get some coffee, you know? We

go up to, like, Evanston.

Why would I want to go up to Evanston?

Don't have to go to Evanston. We could, like, just, I don't know, we could get

coffee anywhere, I guess. Oh, my God. Is that that guy from college?

What's his name?

Brandon?

Brandon. And he is not like that. What, you know him?

Oh, my God. He got so hot. Oh, let's go talk to him. Um, yeah, you should go.

I'll just hang out by myself.

I'm going to chalk up the lack of connection to the fact that you are in a

plastic ball.

Okay.

We've got to get out of here.

We've got to get out of here. We've got to get out of here.

Hey, there's Brando.

Brando!

We'll call him.

Why don't you tell him you're 1984 and you want your sunglasses back?

Why don't you tell him you're 1984 and you want Mary Lou Retton's leotard back?

Dude, stop.

Did he just scream me? I will... Well,

it's just disgusting.

How are you? It was nice to meet you. This place is nuts. We're gonna blow.

Nuts? Blow?

Too many options.

I just want to be loved.

I overcompensate.

Warren and Andy?

Uh, wait a second, neighbor.

Most entourages are just yes -men.

They ensure the all -star keeps believing their own hype. But the good

sure that even in success, the player stays grounded.

Guys, what's happening to my friend?

I mean, Lissa used to be so cool. Now she's a nightmare.

All right, what about Brendan?

He's horrible. I know. Ever since the whole sexiest bachelor thing, he turned

into a total grade -A, free -range douchebag. Screw him. He screened me.

Kid's completely out of control.

All right, maybe he doesn't know how bad it's gotten.

You guys, we've got to do something about Brando. I mean, he is retrievable.

know it. And if we do something now, it could be, like, just a phase, you know?

Like, everybody has a weird phase, right? Yeah.

I tried to rock the bolo tie during that whole Joshua Tree period.

It happens, everyone.

That doesn't.

All right, so what are we supposed to do then? Just ride this out and hope it

goes away?

I think it's more serious than that. I think we've got to do an intervention.

A douchebag intervention.

I like it. I like intervening. You know that.

Hey, we sold the leotard. You're kidding me. Who would want to buy a Mary Lou

Retton leotard?

Evidently, MLRGold84 at AOL .com.

I got Mary Lou Retton's email.

Nice. Send her a picture of me sticking a landing. Yeah.

Sorry about Lissa. Yeah.

I just decided to let her go.

A friend I was worth fighting for, but Lissa and I just grew apart.

Oh, hey.

How was the picnic last night?

I asked Lance to Italy.

No way!

Oh, my God!

Wait, what happened to Socketuck? I don't know. I just got caught up. It was

perfect mix of wine, starlight, and jazz harp.

What makes that?

Wine. Mostly wine.

Okay, I want to remind you all that Brendan may not want to be helped, but

must happen for his own good. For his own good.

You, what up, y 'all?

Dr. Brando's drinking sake tonight. You don't have to pour it for me, because,

you know, it's bad luck to pour your... What's going on?

Brendan, please come over and take a seat.

Why? What is this?

Brendan, we all love you.

We just want to talk to you.

Brendan? Your friends are all here tonight to support you. They care about

and want you to know that lately they have noticed... Dude, you've been acting

like a total douchebag. Total douchebag. Okay, all right, let's remain calm.

This is for Brendan.

Now, they've each written you a letter.

Bobby.

Dear Brando, you've been acting like a douche lately. When you bail on us at

last minute, it really hurts my feelings.

And last week, you went all in with the 7 -4 offsuit and took all my money, and

it really sucked.

Thank you, Bobby. That was very brave.

Kenny?

Dear Brendan, since you got named to that sexy Chicago list thing, you've

kind of douchey. When you tried to get me to buy the new Fergie album, it made

me feel so lonely. I want you to get better. P .S. I don't understand your

genes. All right. You know what, guys?

I really don't have time for this, okay? Because I'm supposed to play laser tag

with Jeremy Piven at midnight.

See? That's what we're talking about.

Okay.

Brendan. You screened my call, douchebag.

You're a really big douche. If you were a superhero, you'd be Captain Douchebag.

Your superpowers would be screening calls and the ability to wreck any hang

douche. And then I drew a picture of you as Captain Douchebag. Who's he

fighting? That's a giant lizard.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. I got fixied pretty bad.

I tried to talk.

What's going on?

Andy, it's the douchebag intervention, remember?

Oh, right.

Kenny, when you act like you're on The Sopranos... Andy, it's Brendan's

intervention.

Sorry.

Brendan, why are you being such a lame -o recently?

Look at you.

Look at your hair.

Have some cucumbers.

You know what? This sucks, okay? I finally started getting some attention,

got to deal with this?

You know what?

You guys are all just jealous. You should feel thankful that I still make

for you.

Oh, douchey bun. Douchey style.

Calm, stay calm. This is all part of the healing.

I don't have to deal with this, okay? You know what my new friends would think

if they knew I was hanging out with some dad from Hoffman Estates? Easy,

Seacrest. Okay, that is enough.

Brandon, come on. You are not mean and awful. Why are you acting like this?

isn't you.

I mean, come on, man. Look at your bell. Hey, you know what? Look at it!

Oh,

my

God. Yes, exactly.

Look, it's been really rough for us, you know?

I just don't understand what you're trying to prove.

Nothing. I don't know. I just... I was just sort of going with it, you know? It

was fun.

Was it?

Was it really fun?

Yeah, a little.

But you guys, hams is not that smart.

Wait, you're hams?

Look, Brandon, you're not one of those guys that cares about clubs and name

-dropping. I mean, you've never been that guy.

And all this fake stuff, I just don't think it's going to really make you

you know? And we just wanted to tell you all of this because we want you back.

Wow, is that really that bad?

Fees and vods, come on. I have arrived.

Fall in.

I am so sorry that I blew you off, man. And I'm so sorry that I screened your

phone call.

I'm sorry for all of it.

It's okay, Brendan. What matters is you want to change.

I do.

I don't want to be a douche.

Man, if this is what you guys are saying to my face, I can only imagine what

you're saying behind my back.

In success, the challenge is don't forget where you came from.

It sounds easy, but sometimes you need help from the people who love you.