Original subtitles

One of the great things about baseball is that even if your team loses, they

another chance to win the next day.

Okay. Same can't always be said about life.

All right. Thanks for the call.

What is wrong with me? Am I, like, unemployable? Oh, no, Mike. Oh, you're

best. It's a really tough market right now.

But someone should want to hire me. I'm educated. I'm highly skilled.

Can you get a raccoon out of a chimney? Because I'll lay down a cool hundred

right now.

This thing's as big as a dog.

Sorry I'm late.

Hey, Kenny.

What's up, buddy?

Hey, Kenny.

Are you still looking for an extra set of hands to help you out down at the

shop? Yeah, why?

Why didn't you say anything? I've got hands.

What do you think about hiring Mike?

Oh, uh, no.

No, no, no.

Is that somebody's cell phone?

Well, it's not mine. It's not a Gwen Stefani song, so it's not Mike's.

How about it? I'll give you some. It's a free ringtone, okay? I don't know how

to change it.

It sounds like it's coming from your computer.

Yeah, it's a stupid video conferencing thing that paper installed on my

computer. I hate it. Just answer it. I don't know how. We got this at home.

Let me call tech support.

Oh, hey, sweetie.

It's Daddy.

Yeah, when Nana calls on the computer, how do you... No, no, yeah, just

one question.

Okay.

Thank you.

She can't talk. She's hooking up the surround sound.

Wait a second. Maybe it's voice activated.

Hello?

Hello? I think maybe you just click on the little picture thingy. Yeah, I know.

It's not working.

Oh, hey.

Oh, my God.

Hey.

desert i can see you too and you're surrounded by a bunch of guys are you

managing a boy band hey where's the camera on this thing hey guys oh you

what we'll be over here indiana jones nice meeting you wait

where are you

Thorne's this dude that she dated after college. She was crazy in him.

How crazy?

No, thank God, Thorne. I can't believe you.

Ew. Yeah, like that, only three octaves higher.

So listen, PJ, I'm coming into Chicago in a couple of days, and, well, I'd

really like to see you.

Yeah?

Okay. I'd love to take you to dinner.

Okay.

What is wrong with her? That's how she has been around Thorne. For an entire

summer. I mean, we were happy for her, but... Gosh, yeah. Like that?

Yeah, like Mike at a Gwen Stefani concert.

How about it? I'll give you that.

Well, it can't be the biggest voice phenomenon.

So, dude, are you going to hire Mike or what?

I can't just make that decision. It's an extensive process.

Let's do it, man. Let's get it going.

Have you had any previous retail sales experience?

Wait a minute. Are you seriously interviewing me for this job?

Dude, you've known me for five years.

The Gap.

For how long?

I don't know. How long is Christmas break?

Any references?

Yeah.

You're not going to get a good reference from me. You set me on the raccoon job.

I'll vouch for you.

Although, to be honest, I'm not entirely sure what your last name is.

Please.

Oh, come on. That summer, every time I called you to hang out, you were off

having some rooftop picnic or something. Just the two of you.

Really? Thorn, that computer guy?

Look at you. It's upsetting me. Oh, come on. She can't help acting like an

idiot. Thorn's the love of her life.

No, we had a great summer.

Hey, PJ, I got a question for you. If you and Thorn had such a great summer

together, why'd you break up?

We didn't really. The summer ended, you know. I got this internship, and he went

off to work for CNN, so we just went our separate ways.

Yeah, so no official breakup. Things just left hanging. That's an open

No. Open -enders are for tacky people who want to keep hooking up without

for dinner.

No. That's friends with benefits, and it's a beautiful thing.

So if he hadn't moved away, would you guys still be dating? I don't know. It

seven years ago.

Maybe.

Total open -ended. That's an open -ended thing.

It's not an open -ended thing. And they're going out for dinner tomorrow,

is such a big move. I mean, he's coming back for a second chance, and you're

going to get back together. No, we are not. I mean, so much has changed.

Look, I only saw him from the waist up. For all I know, he wears a fanny pack.

It's a safe place to keep money.

This is kind of embarrassing.

Don't look, but this girl over there is totally flirting with me.

Don't look. Don't look. Don't look.

Uh, dude, she's flirting with me.

What?

Well, that's one conversation I don't have to have.

You shouldn't flirt with her.

Yeah, I'm going to be right back. Wait, wait, what about Colleen, your

girlfriend? What about her, Mom?

Something about Brendan's changed. Ever since he was named one of Chicago's

sexiest bachelors, he's become more... Confident? No.

Cocky? No.

Douchey? Yeah.

He's a little douchey. You know what? He is. And we avoid those people. We don't

go into their bars and they don't come into ours. I don't know. That sounds

of douchey. All right, guys. It's not that bad. Let's give him a break.

All right.

But if he has to hug anything out, I'm going to tell all the kids down at Urban

Outfitters how old he is. Hey, maybe they're hiring.

Well, they're not. But thanks for reopening that wound.

Kenny, come on.

Okay. All right. You can come to work at the store.

Really? Yeah.

Start tomorrow.

Tomorrow's not good for me. You're already fired. I'll be there at 8.

It's a pretty simple database, really.

All the cards and collectibles are indexed by sport, team, and year. So

say you want a 1962 Mel Roach.

Why would I do that?

Well, you wouldn't, but a customer might.

Who would want a 1962 Mel Roach other than Mel Roach? Pay attention.

Yeah, I got it.

Now, where would one find a 2007 breakfast burrito?

Okay, I gotta hit a garage sale. You got any questions?

You didn't answer the burrito one.

Shortest duration between decision and regret in all my life. I doubt that.

Remember tequila bong?

Oof. Okay.

I'll be back in a couple of hours. Hey, if I wanted to take a nap, you know

what? I figured it out myself.

Counseling would be more like driver's ed, you know, where you ignore the film

shifts that they show and sleep through a couple of lectures and then be on your

way. Wow, that just cleared up so much about your driving.

But this guy Lance, it's like he enjoys torturing me. Lance?

My physical fitness coach.

He calls it debt relief. I call it eating in without cable.

Well, stick with it. I'm sure it's going to get better.

Hey, Thorne said that this restaurant calls for...

Smart casual.

That's code for wear a shawl, right?

No. No, no, no. You have to change. Why? What's wrong with it? Peach, this is

the chance for a storybook ending. We're talking about Thorne. You need to be

the total package tonight so when you walk into that restaurant, his jaw hits

the floor.

Stephanie, no one's jaw is going to hit the floor.

Okay, my jaw hit the floor.

But at least I'm not drooling.

So I quit.

I just couldn't do it anymore. I know how important being a journalist is,

but... So if you're seeing all that pain and suffering... I don't know how you

did any of it.

An engine backfiring sent me running scared.

I'm not so sure about that.

Remember the 4th of July?

On the boat on Lake Michigan? We were so close to the fireworks, I thought I was

going to go deaf. You wanted to be close to the action.

Well, not anymore.

My days of being smuggled across borders by Pashtun tribesmen are behind me. I'm

serious about settling down.

I just bought a house in Seattle.

Really?

May I take your plates?

Yes, please. Thank you.

Do you remember what we did after the fireworks when we got stuck in all that

traffic?

Why did we drive?

And you had that Belle and Sebastian song stuck in your head. The wrong girl.

And you kept humming it badly.

Hey, you put it on that mixtape for me. It was right between the Fountains of

Wayne song.

And the Flaming Lips song.

And the Flaming Lips song. I can't believe you remember that.

I was going through some stuff the other day. And I found this.

I thought I lost it. I figured you might want it back.

That is really sweet.

Now, if I just had a tape player.

This is amazing. It's like we just picked up where we left off, isn't it?

Amazing.

This you?

Yeah.

Okay.

I'll call you before then.

What? Hey, buddy.

What's going on? What did you do to my shop?

Organize.

I don't know what system you were using, but finally I can find things.

But I simply asked you to open the shop.

Kenny, come on. In the state it's in now?

It says closed.

Read the sign for it, nerd.

Look what I found.

Give it to me. I'm going to smash your head. No, don't!

So, Thorne, the open ender.

Still open. It is so open. It's like I'm alone in the end zone, no one within 20

yards open.

See, I'm so happy for you. I don't even mind that you just used another sports

analogy. And it's so crazy that Thorne could be the guy that you end up taking

to Italy. You know, I always wondered, like, what would it have been like if I

had followed him after college or if he had stayed here?

And I'm happy I'm getting to answer those questions, you know? Oh, I'm so

for you, too.

What are you doing?

Lance, I have to brew my own coffee at home now.

Such a hard ass.

That's his job.

Yeah, but does he have to be so strict?

I tried to loosen him up by buying him a silver pen and pencil set.

That did not go well.

Bobby, we have a problem with Mike. What kind of problem?

You have to fire Mike problem.

Why would I fire Mike? Why would Bobby fire Mike? You have to. You made me hire

him. Look, I'm very particular about the way I do things at the shop, okay?

Mike's got a lot of ideas.

Dude, ideas are good.

Light bulbs, liberty, beer.

These things all started as ideas.

Yeah, come on. He's just excited he has a place to go during the day.

Go calm down.

Kenny, I got an idea to revolutionize your business and bring it into the 21st

century. Bang.

He's gone. Kenny.

Okay, here's my idea.

We get into ticket brokering. I have connections all over town, so I can get

great seats for face value and crappy seats for free.

Plus, by selling tickets out of the store, we increase foot traffic.

What do you think?

That's no liberty.

Kenny? Those guys make a ton of money. Yeah, we can beat those guys, Kenny.

You know what?

It's not a bad idea.

We should sit down and talk about it.

Great.

Great.

Hey, so you think he liked it?

That's a good idea.

Good, because I got another idea.

We get a van. We call it the memorabilia mobile.

We go to junior high, summer camps, old folks' homes. Pace yourself, buddy. One

idea at a time, okay?

That's Colleen again, isn't it?

Man, she... calls a lot. It's kind of irritating.

Well, admit it. You're dodging her calls.

No. No, I'm not. It's a classic. You're dodging her calls as a way to break up

with her. That's ridiculous. I don't have to break up with her since we're

just seeing each other anyway.

Well, that makes sense.

Dude, you gotta break up with her.

Absolutely.

Especially if you have the DTR.

The DTR?

Yeah, to define the relationship talk.

You know, is it cool if I leave my stuff over at your place? What do we call

each other? Yeah. Well, then I'm in the clear.

How long have you guys been dating?

A couple of months.

That's a common -law relationship.

Oh, dude, there's no such thing as a common -law relationship. Well, not in

state, but just you trying to pull that crap in Indiana.

Nope. So what, I have to officially break up with her? Yeah.

Maybe not face -to -face, but you at least owe her a call.

Could he get away with a text message?

That's how Julie dumped me. Dude, that's just sad.

If you're going to make up an imaginary girlfriend, at least dump her.

Don't let her dump you.

All right, okay, wait. I'll make it really simple, okay?

Have you seen her naked?

Well, yeah. Okay, then you've got to break up with her face to face.

Hey, Kenny, did you ever see Julie naked?

Because if I had an imaginary girlfriend, she'd always be naked.

I'm going.

During the course of a season, a new day often means a second chance to do what

you couldn't the day before, a chance to make up for the mistakes of the past.

You still have time for a quick bite? Yeah, would you mind if we sat down for

second? I want to tell you something.

No.

I wanted to tell you this the other night, but I got so swept up in seeing

again, and you're just so great.

But I'm just going to say this.

I'm engaged.

To another person.

But then all it takes is a bad start and things are seemingly over before they

even began.

I admit I was reluctant at first, but this ticket brokering idea, I mean, it's

fantastic. Mike crunched the numbers. I can totally afford it. The best part, I

don't have to do a thing.

So he's a genius.

Yeah. Even a blind squirrel finds a nut from time to time.

There he is. Let me buy my partner a drink.

Mr. Morituri, I'm here to negotiate on behalf of my client, Mike

Callahan, regarding his percentage of your store's ticket brokering.

Percentage? You haven't even worked a full week yet.

I've talked to my client, and we think we can reach a settlement everyone can

be happy with. So do I. Bobby?

Fire Mike.

Hold on, hold on.

Andy, will you excuse us one moment?

Recess.

Dude, you just said yourself that Mike had a great idea. I know, but... Is it

time?

Memorabilumobile.

Wow.

Right.

I screwed up.

I should have just told you about the engagement from the beginning. I'm so

sorry.

Okay, but Thorne, if you're engaged, why did you need to see me?

Well, this isn't my proudest moment, but I

thought if I saw you again and I was still in love with my fiancée, then

I'd know I was doing the right thing by marrying her.

Okay.

That summer we spent together.

That was so special. And we left things so unfinished, I was afraid I was still

in love with you.

But you're not.

I'm engaged.

Yeah. To another person. Right.

Right. So.

So. Wow.

You really know how to make a girl feel special, don't you? EJ, honestly, you

are kinder and...

And more beautiful than even I remember.

And coming here, having to tell you, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to

And I've survived helicopter crashes and being shot.

And international flights either next to Ann Coulter.

What can I say? I mean, that was the best summer of my life, you know?

Nothing's going to take that away.

For me, too.

And I'll think of you every time I hear that Belle and Sebastian song.

The wrong girl?

The wrong girl, right. Yeah, thanks.

So.

So.

Getting dumped, you really work up a thirst. How about a drink, huh? Oh, I

guess. Wow.

How about another one? Yeah.

All right, gentlemen, let's have a fair negotiation.

Everything in good faith.

Let's shake hands.

Since it was Mike's idea, we think it's only fair he should receive 100 % of the

ticket brokering revenue. What?

Trust me. You gotta start high.

It's my store.

50 -50.

90 -10.

50 -50. 80 -20. 50 -50.

70 -30. 50 -50.

50 -50.

Fine. 50 -50.

I got you 50 -50.

What do you think?

On the bright side, you're on to Seattle.

Yeah, it rains all the time, and the Mariners are horrible.

Totally. Flannel, Pearl Jam guys throwing fish, that's not for you. No,

fine, you guys.

I guess...

Seeing him made me realize that since that summer, I haven't really had a

relationship like that, you know? I've never had a relationship like that.

Ever. And you probably won't.

All right, well, I gotta go.

Where are you off to? I have a meeting with Fiscal Fitness Lance.

A meeting at 8 at night?

We're having dinner at this tapas place, Emilio's.

What, you're having dinner? I thought you hated Lance.

I did. I mean, I don't understand it. He makes me so mad, and yet I am so

unbelievably attracted. I'm attracted to him. Careful, lady. That's a bullet

train to Hoffman Estates.

Bye.

Amelia, this is Greg.

Colleen and I ate there the other night.

Wait a second. I thought you were going to break up with her.

Well, I was, but, you know, we talked, worked things out.

Hey, there you are.

Did Colleen do something different with her hair?

That's not Colleen.

Hey, wait. I thought you talked to Colleen.

Oh, I did. Just not about Melanie.

Ew. Do she?

Right? Yeah.

Ooh, got a friend.