Original subtitles

I think that we all, as human beings, try as best as we can, if given the

choice, most of the time, or at least sometimes, to be, if possible, ethical.

You know we'd save enough energy to light more than 2 .5 million homes if we

just used one of those energy -efficient light bulb things? You mean the six of

us? No, I meant everyone in America.

I don't know everyone in America.

So much for that point.

Hey, Pete.

Hi, guys. Kenny.

What are you doing here?

It's poker night. Believe me, I try to avoid you on all nights, but I came

bearing news.

Check out who my magazine chose as one of Chicago's 50 Sexiest Bachelors. Oh!

It's not that big a deal, okay? Come on, why didn't you tell us about this?

It's embarrassing. Well, I won't fight you there.

But come on, this is awesome.

It is, and he should be honored. And did I mention there's free booze?

Yeah. Thursday, Aubrey Whiskey is throwing a promo party at the Panda Bar.

Sweet.

Oh, we are totally going.

Oh, there'll be a ton of women there hoping to glom on to one of the sexy

bachelors. Well, we're not one of them. Nope.

Well, we know one.

So we hover around Brando all night, and when the moment's right, bang. Bang. We

swoop in to snag his drunken cast -offs.

Daddy, how did you meet Mommy?

Well, dear.

Mommy was a drunken cast -off. Yeah, see, she wanted to go home with Uncle

Brando that night, but Daddy was in the right place at the right time.

Daddy, do you think I can be a drunken cast -off someday?

Dare to dream, sweetie.

Good night.

Every job has its own set of ethics. In journalism, your job is to report the

facts. Just get the story. And above all, don't insert yourself in the story.

Dugan, welcome to the Cubs. Let's talk about your big first start tomorrow,

P .J. Franklin, fun times. I know who you are.

Really? Yeah.

Press conference at spring training.

You asked me why I had no control of my fastball.

Sorry, it's going to come up when you hit six batters in three innings.

Flattered you remember, though.

Well, you're hard to miss in a clubhouse.

Thanks.

So are you, even though you're wearing the same thing everyone else is.

That's why we're all numbered.

Anyway, hi.

Bobby Newman from the Tribune.

I'm a reporter, too.

Nice to meet you both.

So, PJ, did you want to maybe ask some questions or something? I don't know. I

just figured since we're here.

Yes, of course.

So, what do you like most about being a Cub so far?

Playing at Wrigley.

I mean, I just feel pitching off that mound makes me feel stronger.

Yeah, you seem stronger.

More sure of yourself.

Are you flattering me now?

Because... I'd be flattered if you were. Are you saying you'd be flattered to be

flattered by me? That's flattering.

Wow, that almost seemed like an interview.

Damn, I have to go. I have to do a meet and greet with a few of the owner's

friends. Hey, which tie goes better with over -scrutinization?

Wow, you just pulled out like a seven -syllable word.

Yeah, but it was hyphenated, and I think I made it up. Point made.

You better go with the stripes.

You're a little disappointed, aren't you, about the made -up word?

Oh, a little.

What? Just the whole thing.

So these are Chicago's sexiest batsmen.

You know, Bobby, you're actually as hot as these guys. You should be on this

list. Well, I'm not, so, you know. Mike's right. You got these guys' hands

Can we not on the list? I don't know.

Well, you should be.

You're a good -looking man.

Okay, thanks, fellas.

Pete.

That's the guy over there, number 26, Chicago's sexiest union plumber.

Wow. But plumber, really?

Thought you would have gone for, like, sexiest doctor or attorney, you know,

someone in a higher bracket.

PJ, union plumber. Oh, hot damn, go get him.

Pointing to Mark Meisinger?

Maybe. I know him. Went to Y camp with him.

Good guy.

Really? So, what do you think? Could you introduce me to him? No, no, no, no,

no, no, no. Why not?

Because I don't have to recommend you and no, no. Come on, Kenny.

What do you want?

You work for the damn magazine.

I know, but it's always better to have a personal vouch.

Damn, I gotta go.

Number 13 got his head stuck in his limo's moonroof.

Sexiest brain surgeon in my ass.

Tis true, tis Trouty, tis Trouty, tis true. What's up, 312?

LB's all around. Pound it.

Explode it. Drill it. Hey, buddy. Finesse it.

Never quit. What are you doing here, Trouty?

How do you like me now? You're number 16?

Chicago's sexiest party man -boy.

Trouty appears at every party and hip happening in the city, and just as a

changes his colors to match his surroundings, Trouty seamlessly fits in

myriad social ponds of Chicago, and that, dear readers, is how Trouty got

name. That's the third version of how Trouty got his name I've heard in the

year. Hey, Sporting Life, what number sexy are you?

Uh, I'm not on the list, Trouty. What?

In Tarabang?

What happened? Did you photograph Puffy?

Were you having a bad hair day? Although, you do kind of actively pursue

I'm famished.

Ampersand plummet.

Actually, Brendan is on the list. So, what number sexy are you? Uh, 37.

Slam?

No, man, that's cool. I mean...

The important thing is that you're all up in there swinging.

Yes.

All right, gentlemen, I'll see you over at the free gift bag table.

Hey, if any of you don't want your witch hazel, follow up.

This whole thing seems greatly diminished now. Yeah, we all felt the

Free whiskey, empty hands, what the hell?

Hi.

Hi. Wow, what are you doing here?

Number 25.

Cubs press office at work, I guess. Not my choice, trust me.

No, seriously, I don't belong in this group.

Sure you do. Okay, um, Bobby.

He belongs on this list.

I am not on the list, okay?

I'm sorry, but evidently being sexy is not one of my best qualities, so

just back off.

Well, um...

I was on my way to the bar. Would you like to get a drink?

I got a game tomorrow.

But you know what I do want?

Pancakes. I will see if they have them.

Don't bother. Come on.

Come with me.

I'm new in town. I need someone to show me where to go.

I know I shouldn't insert myself in the story, but what if that story has

striking blue eyes and a jawline that can slice cheese?

Wait, so he asked you out for pancakes.

Good move, which I'm stealing. And you said no?

Dude, I cannot date him, okay? He is a cub.

All right, that is breaking like a ton of unwritten journalism rules.

Unwritten rules were meant to be written. Then broken. Written, then

Thanks, Kenny. I got a little lost there. Dude, she can't and she

She's supposed to report the story, not be in it.

Plus, he's a professional athlete.

I mean, from what I've heard, they're not the most monogamous bunch.

Well, no, no, he doesn't seem like a pig. I mean, he does seem like a really

nice guy.

And let's not forget, he's numerically way hotter than Brendan. Twelve!

He's twelve hotter.

Eh, I don't like it. I don't know.

This doesn't end well.

You've actually never met him. What are you talking about?

I know him. He's on my fantasy team.

He's breaking my heart, and he'll break yours, too.

All right, look, there's this...

black tie party for the magazine thing at the guy view room this weekend so

chat him up and see if he's a good guy yeah is that the private party yeah yeah

i was gonna blow it off but it's the kind of thing that colleen might dig so

hold it you're taking your girlfriend to a party where the hottest richest women

in chicago will be throwing themselves at you what's wrong with that dude you

don't bring sand to the beach look mike i'm dating colleen okay i want to bring

colleen i'm fine you're adult This is a totally unique situation.

No one would blame you if you took a little Colleen break. In fact, I

to be your non -threatening wingman to help you sort through all the potential

ladies. Don't take Mike. Take me. I'm even less threatening.

Wow. What a sad competition.

Oh, damn. I gotta go. I gotta get up for my son.

Hey, hey!

I knew you'd all be in here, man. You guys are as predictable as the back of

hand. What's up, boo -boos?

Hey, I think I know why you didn't make the list. You don't have your own

personal scent.

Hey, Brendan, wherever you're going, I'll show you how to get there.

Sure. Let that soak in.

If I could just get into that party, I would kick some ass.

Charming cocktail conversation, consuming finger food, but not too much.

This is my wheelhouse.

I always thought watching TV in your underwear was your wheelhouse.

Mike, Mike, go bike. You want to come to the party? Done.

You, my friend, are Trouty's plus one.

Really? You're not bringing a date?

Dude, you don't bring Dasani to Niagara Falls.

I like it.

Dude!

Hi. Hey, Steph. What you doing here?

Well, I'm about to disgust myself.

You always do.

Excuse me. Have you met this yet?

Trouty.

It's okay, baby. Daddy's got you.

Steph, where was I?

Oh, disgusted. That's right.

I wanted to know if you wanted to be my plus one to the Chicago magazine party,

if but only if you promised to introduce me to Mark the plumber. No, I will not

be your pawn. No, ma 'am.

I don't like this any more than you do. But you want to go to that party, and I

have a ticket, so... Steph, I thought I was your plus one.

I don't like this any more than you do.

Well? I'm about to disgust myself.

Okay. Great!

Well, if you guys are going, then I'm in.

How? You don't have a ticket?

Well, Bo Bike, here's the deal. I keep my old wedding tux in my trunk.

If I'm running late to something, I slip into it, speed like a maniac. If a cop

pulls me over, I say, Hey, I'm late for dinner with the mayor. Or I'm hosting a

roast of Dennis Farina.

Dips his hat, I'm on my way. A tux is magic.

Hey! Tracked you down.

Hi, Matt.

How did you know I would be here?

Asked around.

Word on the street was this was your regular hangout. Predictable.

These are my friends.

Hey, guys.

Hey, hi.

Can I get anyone anything?

Try cats.

We're all good, but PJ is empty.

Oh, done.

Be back in a few. Okay.

Wow.

He is pursuing you actively.

I can't believe he showed up here. He did research.

How cute is that? Oh, Paige, your beer might be heavy. You should go help him

with it. No, come on. It's a little bit obvious, don't you think?

He thirsts you out and unabashedly cornered you on your home turf.

Oh, Matt!

Ethics is often the battle between what you want to do and what you should do.

For instance, a pitcher might want to throw a fastball at a batter's skull,

ethically, he's pretty sure he shouldn't.

Hey, I was wondering, do you want to make me really happy and come with me to

this stupid Chicago magazine party, which would make it so much more fun?

What?

Or should?

I don't mean to keep calling in this marker, but do you still owe me some

pancakes? Well, I know how should feel, though. Okay.

Let's try want.

Hey, Franklin, how's tricks?

Tricks are fine. Jack, how's things?

Oh, the gout's receding a bit. Thanks for asking.

Hey, I got a story for you. The great Jack Briscoe is giving a lowly beat

a story? Come on, what's the catch?

Oh, it's not a news story, it's a story story.

You know, when you recount something that happened in the past.

Ever heard of Barb Sikowsky?

No. Well, she was an up -and -coming reporter trying to move into sports.

You know, and back then there were no women sports writers.

Halcyon days, really.

Anyway, you know, she started to date a cub.

So the players, the manager, the coaches, the other sports writers, they

started looking at her a little differently.

Hey, you know, just another baseball floozy.

So her career plummeted, and she wound up editing the Can You Find This page

Highlights magazine.

So, um, why are you telling me this?

Well, no reason. Just telling a story.

Just keeping alive the oral tradition.

Good luck, kids.

Let's find the SS Brendan and start scraping off the lady barnacles.

Hey, Mike Cirona, why are you even wasting your time with number 37 when

got number 16 on your wing?

I'm 42 % more juicy.

Nice math, Jody. Illinois Allstate math, late 1994.

Good evening.

You got in. The tux works.

Tux always works. One slight improvement, though, I've added the

Makes me look like I'm in charge of something.

Hey, you. Yes, sir.

Get out of here. Sure.

It's going to be a good night.

Hey, hey, number 16 up in this.

Hey, look who's here. Hi. Come on.

I'm just going to run our coat over the coat room.

I'll be right back. Thank you.

I thought you weren't going. But I did, so shut it.

There's Brando.

Brando.

Hey, guys.

Congratulations.

Wow.

What are you all doing here? Well, everyone kind of figured out various

get in, and ta -da, here we all are. Hey, where's Colleen? Oh, uh, she, um...

Hey, it's Bobby.

Why is Bobby here?

Oh, hi, guys.

Um, hi.

Hold on.

Bobby's here with Brendan.

He's Brendan's plus one.

Oh, my God.

You totally lied about bringing Colleen.

You chose Bobby over all of us? Excuse me.

Hey, guy.

Can we get a few shots?

Sure, absolutely.

Let's do it.

What a douche.

What the hell is Brendan?

I have a ton of questions for him. Where the hell is that Mark guy? I have a ton

of... for him. Please don't.

Maybe you had to go snake a drain.

No, it's a real thing.

Hold it. Hot plumber at 11 o 'clock. Let's do this.

How do I look?

Like someone a plumber would date?

It pains me to spend time with you.

I'm so glad you came out with me.

And none of the guys believed me when I said we were going out tonight.

Oh, what do you mean? What guys?

You know, Barrett and Dempster and Dee Lee.

You mean the Cubs.

Well, they were just saying you've turned down everybody, so I'm touched.

Hi, guys.

No one questions this thing.

I got a busboy putting a case in it to mirror this Astrovan as we speak.

Weed.

Hey, Matt.

Can I get a pic of you and your girlfriend?

Yeah, sure.

Um, what's this for? Chicago Magazine.

You're from the Sun -Times, right?

Uh, yes, but...

Sexy. Who's to say? I mean, it's so hard to put your finger on sexy.

Oh, I guess it's not.

Hey, there you blow, Micah Shevitz. Lost you in the field. My apologies.

That's the dance with the one who brung you.

What's wrong, baby? You can't count? Number 16.

I spotted Brando. Come on.

So we won't take pictures together.

Let's just have a drink and go back to having fun.

Oh, I can't. I'm so sorry.

I shouldn't have even come here tonight.

But I've got to protect my reputation. There's so many ethical questions that

come with a reporter dating a player.

PJ, I don't mean to sound too dramatic, but it doesn't happen.

We both met someone we really like, and we're done?

Come on. A job's a job.

Not for me. Not this job.

I just... It has to be just business with you and me.

And it sucks.

But that's what it has to be right now. Well... What if we just

lied to everyone and snuck around and spoke with, I don't know, Ukrainian

accent? You know, I did that once. I so can't do a Ukrainian accent.

You sure about this?

Yeah.

Okay.

I get it.

Stupid ethics.

Tell me about it.

I gotta be at the park tomorrow, so... Yeah.

See you there.

P .J., we're going to nail Brandon. You in?

Yeah, okay. What's going on? You're pissed at Brando.

Rap knuckle? Too much.

You okay?

I will be.

Take five, guys.

Where do you think you're going?

Uh, we were just gonna have a smoke.

I didn't know you smoked.

Hey, let's all join them. Let's all join them and suddenly start smoking.

Yeah, maybe we should. I could grow some trees right now.

Apparently smoking is sexy.

So what gives?

Yeah, let's start with the lying.

Hey, I didn't lie, per se. I just... Whoa.

That is such an awesome feeling.

I think...

I don't... I might throw up.

Look, it's kind of obvious Brendan wanted a hotter wingman to make him look

good. Thereby doubling his odds at scoring.

I mean, I just... Brendan, that's so icky.

Come on, Bobby.

He just asked me.

Well, of course he asked you. Look at you.

You're adorable.

Those dimples.

That cute little grin.

Can we just stop all that, please?

Gentlemen, it's not Boo -Boo's fault that he's all hot.

Genetics roll their dice. It takes their chances.

Sometimes you walk away from the table looking like a young Harry Hamlin. Yeah,

and why are we yelling a cute little Bobby when Brendan blew us off? Yeah,

you're the one that lied.

I don't think so.

Going up.

Okay, everyone, I lied.

I'm sorry.

And you're right, I was really dumb and pathetic and weak.

I'm not a chick picker -upper.

I thought you're...

Wingman stuff is true, so... Sorry.

Brandon, that's lame.

I know.

Especially since it didn't work, thanks to you.

And, Brando, I guess to be fair, you did take my advice and acted like a

douchebag. I feel good in here.

So people do things they shouldn't do, whether it's for ego or temptation or

money.

Kenny, why didn't you tell me that Mark has a fiancée?

You never asked.

And quite often, it's for fun.

But when they do the right thing, the ethical thing, ultimately, it feels

Well, you were still throwing pretty well. You think Piniella pulled you too

soon? I know I probably could have gone another inning, but I burned things out

this early, right?

Okay, guys, unless there's anything else.

I'm good, thanks.

Or that's what I'm telling myself.

That and you're not that cute and...

He probably collects his toenail. Hey, one more thing about that Barb Sikowsky

person. She was an enormous drunk, and she had the vocabulary of an eight -year

-old. So that might have been why her career tanked. But you never know.