Original subtitles

One of the great things about sports is that it creates heroes, people who give

us something to aspire to.

In life, finding a hero isn't always as easy, but I've been lucky.

Excuse me, miss, is there a film on this flight?

Aunt Phyllis!

Aunt Phyllis is my own personal hero. She lives this amazing, exotic life.

Are you doing here? I'm running from the law.

Yeah, well, you're just going to be surprised.

No, I'm writing a piece on Chicago for travel and leisure.

Your article on Uganda?

Yeah.

Did you really hate the grasshopper? Uh, no.

But my assistant told me all about it while I enjoyed a big, fat, juicy steak.

Oh, my God, I can't believe you're here.

For the next few days, I'm all yours. Does Mom know you're here?

No, but it's a short weekend. You know, your mom would have me come out to the

house, and then she'd want to show me her azaleas, and then I would die of

boredom. Anyway, I'm here to have fun, and you know how your mom hates...

She doesn't hate it. She has a complicated relationship with it. Look,

want to have a bonding weekend with my niece without anybody questioning it. Is

that so bad? No, absolutely not. Your secret is safe with me.

There's the carom board I got you from New Delhi. Oh, that looks great there.

And that reminds me, here.

I've got these.

These are petanque boules that I won off of an old man in Provence. Oh.

Oh, wow.

These bowls are... What are these?

It's lawn bowling, but much more pretentious.

Oh. Should we go out and patank? I've got a better idea. Why don't we go to a

bar and get patanked? I know the perfect place.

This is the perfect place. I can live here. PJ kind of does.

Nah, you're at your place sometimes.

Yeah, like when we're playing poker, which is what we're doing tomorrow

Which is where I'll be taking all your money.

Man, you sound exactly like PJ. Are you kidding me? I sound exactly like her. I

practically based my life on this woman. What? You're the reason I became a

writer. Oh, please. You passed me years ago.

Oh, now cut that out. You're the big writer. No, you're the big writer.

the big writer. All right, you've convinced me.

Oh, my God. Right now, sitting at the bar, that's Danny Finn. Really? Where?

Who is Danny Finn?

Oh, he was a pitcher for the Cubs in 86.

Then he went to Philadelphia and he came back in 89, right? That dude hit more

batters than any pitcher in the history of the game.

Yeah, he's totally old school. He's the first guy off the bench in a brawl. It

doesn't matter who's fighting. He just comes out swinging. He's awesome.

He's like my hero.

Go buy him a drink. I can't just walk up to Danny Finn. What would I say?

Can I buy you a drink? I can't say that.

Can I say that? Yeah. You guys go be his wingmen. Come on. Knock him dead,

buddy. Let us know if he gets his digits.

Look who's here.

Hi. Oh, my God.

Look who it is.

Phyllis, I haven't seen you since PJ's graduation party.

Weren't you the one? Yes. It doesn't even matter what the question is. The

answer's always yes.

Oh, this is my fiancée, Wendy.

Fiancée?

Where have you guys been?

Oh, we were up at Sunset Ridge Country Club. We booked it for the wedding. Oh,

my God. Where a string quartet will greet us with our song.

Oh, my God.

And then, once we say our wedding vows, we're going to release 45 pure white

doves into the evening sky.

Oh, my God.

Did you believe it? God, I feel like I'm going to cry. Me, too. Me, too.

If the whole dove thing flames out, we could always do something here.

Okay, honey.

We've been through this.

It's a joke.

And we've heard the joke.

I loved it. Tell it again.

The coordinator.

All right.

How you doing?

I don't care.

Weddings are for brides, so, you know, I'm just rolling with it.

Aided by this.

For God's sake, ladies, get it over with.

Uh, Mr. Finn, I'm so sorry. It's just that I'm a huge fan, and I just wanted

come over here and buy you a drink, but I can see that you have your hand full.

Barkeep, could I get another... Jack and Coke. Jack and Coke for Mr. Finn.

Nice to meet you.

Heroes don't always have to be untouchable, Ike. And if you're really

might even get to hang out with them.

Somebody needs some more poker juice.

Well, if you're offering.

That's just for you. Thank you. This wine is fantastic. Where did you get it?

This old Turkish woman makes it in her sink.

You brought it all the way from Turkey?

No, no. She lives on the corner of Webster and Halstead.

You know where they have good wine is Eddie and Angie's Steakhouse.

Yeah, because that's where I'll be spending tomorrow night with my good

Danny Finn.

And your good best friends Kenny and Bobby? Yeah, they'll be there, too.

with never -win Danny Finn?

Yeah, Danny and I don't like that technique.

Sorry I'm late, everybody.

Meredith had me looking at a new school for Savannah, and I got caught up with

some teachers.

Oh, come here!

You haven't changed a bit.

This head was this big when he was eight years old. Yeah, finally got the neck

muscles to hold it up.

You know what? I used to take PJ and Andy to the movies when they were kids

every time I came into town because their mother wouldn't let them see

Took him to see Planet of the Apes, but we didn't make it past the first scene.

They were talking apes.

Riding horses.

All right, who do you need?

I'm all wined out.

I'll have a vodka rocks.

I'll help.

Hey, Phyllis is awesome.

I know. I am so lucky to have her. We're so alike, huh?

Hurry up in there, Peach.

I've waited my entire life for a Cubs World Series. I shouldn't have to wait

that long for a drink.

Almost scary.

Oh, my God.

With your head.

as much as mine. The best cure for that, tequila sunrise and a two -man massage.

Did I ever tell you about Jose and Rigo?

No.

What was that?

Kenny!

What you doing here?

Uh, leaving.

Morning, cutie.

I can't. I can't wrap my head around Aunt Phyllis sleeping with Kenny. I

wrap my head around anyone sleeping with Kenny.

What do you think of this one?

Ah, he's kind of toothy. What about that guy?

Oh, I didn't see him.

Yeah, he's kind of nice. The whole coffee thing.

Fresh air.

People watching.

Match .com.

I should do this more often. Yeah, you guys, we have a serious weird thing

Andy, for all we know, Kenny could be joining our family. Oh, let's not get

carried away here. Oh, my God, wait.

If they got married, that would make Kenny my uncle.

Yes, but somehow not my uncle. That's how deeply in denial I am about this.

Steve, you should tell Phyllis how you feel. Just get it out in the open. I'm

sure she'll understand.

Oh, here's a good one.

Dr. Lakeview 77.

I should send him a wink.

Wow, Stephanie, that picture is gorgeous.

I know, isn't it? I used the photographer who shoots all the Chicago

covers. That must have been expensive.

Well, I've given up shoes for a year, but if it lands me a doctor, it was

it. What is it with women always wanting to marry doctors? Like no other

occupations are valid?

There are a lot of perfectly happy people in this world who married

workers, farmers.

You wish you married a doctor, don't you?

Yeah, a hot one.

Even though we know our heroes are human beings, it's still surprising to see

them when they actually act like it. Oh, that's the spot right there.

Oh, oh.

Watch the hands, buddy. I don't know where they've been. Oh, wait. Yes, I do.

Look at that, honey. Another one.

Phil, you want to come with?

Yeah, sure, Pete.

She'll be right back, Mr. Magic Fingers.

Right back.

You're Aunt Phyllis.

I gotta tell you. No, you don't.

Thank you. Uh, this is none of my business, but this whole, you know, you

Kenny thing is happening fast.

Oh, we're just two adults having a little bit of fun, that's all. All

Yeah, but, you know, just so you know, I'm having a little trouble with the

whole, uh, public displays of affection thing. If you think it's weird in

public, you don't want to know what goes on in private.

Oh.

Papa! I am so glad you're here.

I need to know if you're bringing a date. We're already up to 324, and the

only holds 340.

Wouldn't you know it? I'm bringing 16 dates.

Oh, yeah, and the guys are getting together tomorrow to get fitted for

tuxes, so are you free? Yeah, of course.

Why would she need to be there for that?

Because PJ's going to be my best man.

No,

seriously.

PJ's my best man. I told you this.

You were serious about that?

Yeah.

Um... Huh.

So, you thought I forgot, right? But I didn't. I opened the 91 season with a

fastball. Right off his head. He goes down like he's shot.

They thought he was dead. But to this day, he cannot grow hair on that spot of

his head.

I just cut him off.

On the Dan Ryan. Right there on the expressway, exactly.

And like a pullover, man.

His little kid is going like, Daddy, don't get out of the car. Finally does

out, and I take his inhaler out of his hand.

Run for it, man. The kid's like, Dad, don't run for it. Don't. He can't

He doesn't have it in the inhaler.

Can I get you guys anything else?

I would like another Johnny Walker blue double.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We're out.

Well, somebody just lost their tip.

Uh, Danny, why don't you just order a different type of scotch? What type of

scotch do you think I should order?

Maybe a Glenn shoving up your ass?

Seriously,

man, one of the best dinners ever.

Well, when you run with the big dog, things freaking happen.

And now, I've got to go drain the main vein.

Think fast!

Come on, man, climb the ladder and ring the bell.

Dude, that guy sucks.

Seriously, one of the worst guys ever.

Talking about Danny Finn is a legend, man.

You're just jealous.

I'm jealous of Danny Finn? Are you a crazy person?

This is a once -in -a -lifetime experience. You're going to tell your

about this dinner. I will. I'll tell them that I went to dinner with a

has -been who wouldn't shut up, but still managed to kill an entire bottle

Johnny Walker Blue. Like I said, a legend. Now, come on, man. Ding dong.

Wait a second.

Isn't the bathroom that way?

I'll pause.

Bring the bottle.

If Kenny shows up in the next couple of minutes, keep him busy, because I'm not

ready yet.

Okay. You haven't said anything to your mom about this, have you? No, of course

not. Why?

Oh, if she knew that I was having a fling with a younger man, can you

I'm kidding.

Hey, Peach.

Hey!

Listen, uh, I got some bad news.

I'm not his best man, huh? She's hell -bent on this being a traditional

and traditional weddings don't have best ladies.

Well, that sucks.

I know. I'm sorry. It's just, you know, I just want everything to be perfect for

her. You know, it's her day.

Yeah, well, it's your day, too. I mean, this wedding has no Brando in it.

This whole thing, it's just been one big battle, you know? And to tell you the

truth, I'm just sick of fighting. Brendan, this is like one of the most

important days of your life. If you don't take a stand now, when are you

to?

Hmm.

Hey, Wendy.

Roses are nice.

Yes, the yellow and the daisies would go well with the skirt around the tables.

Yeah.

Hey. Hey, hey.

Wow.

You look great.

Thank you very much. Wow.

Two seconds, cutie. Okay, take your time.

Here you go.

Sit down. Thank you.

Hey,

are you cool with all this? Yeah. I mean, it's kind of strange, but, you

you're two adults just having some fun. Well, wait.

I'm not just having fun. I mean, I really like her.

You know me. I'm not the kind of guy who just...

fools around with somebody for the hell of it i mean i think this uh i think

this could turn into something really yeah what's up sexy you ready babe uh

okay yeah i'll have her home by 11 um no that's not gonna be i think

uh don't wait up for it okay

One thing I love about Chicago, it's always happy hour.

I think I'm going to stick around for a couple more days. Oh, my God, that's so

great. Kenny must be totally psyched to hear that you're staying. Yeah, you know

what? Maybe we should keep that a secret.

Why? Well, Kenny's a lot of fun, but, you know.

I don't think you guys are on the same page.

What are you talking about? Well, Kenny likes you.

No, I mean, like, he really likes you.

So, you know, if you're not that into him, you got to be straight with him.

Kenny knows the deal.

Yeah, he does.

It's just, like, he's my friend.

Well, he's my friend, too.

No, Phyllis, I'm being serious.

Oh, who have we got here?

What? Oh, no, Phyllis, I'm being serious.

I... I cannot tell you how many times your mother has started a sentence with

that lead in. Okay, Phyllis. That and have you planned for your retirement or

can help you stop smoking. So you're changing the subject. Phyllis, you're

changing the subject.

Oh, you were actually saying that. Oh, I'm sorry.

If it makes you happy, I'll talk to Kenny tonight before poker.

But you let him down easy. He's a really good job. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

One thing I love about Chicago, it's always happy hour.

Who are Tim and Tina Minder?

Oh, that's Dad's chiropractor and his wife.

The Minders made the cut.

Sweetie, let me handle this.

All right.

Just kind of seems like you're handling everything.

Well, if I left these decisions up to you, Judas Priest would be playing at

reception. That would kick ass.

Now, that is a wedding actually worth going to.

What are you trying to say?

I'm just saying, you know, all this stuff is meaningless.

Honestly, I would rather elope.

We could just drive to Wisconsin tonight, just you and me, get this whole

out of the way right now. My parents have already booked the space. They

paid for the doves.

Screw the doves, the minders, all of it. I mean, come on, this wedding has

become something I never wanted.

Really? Because this is exactly what I want. I mean, what am I going to have us

say in anything, huh?

After the ceremony?

After we have kids? After you tell me you want to move to the suburbs?

You don't want to move to the suburbs?

You do?

I can't wrap my head around it, you know? One minute we're getting married,

the next it's all over.

It's all right, man.

Yeah, man, we're real sorry.

So, no doves?

No doves.

Hey, this guy needs a drink.

Oh, just the one?

I'll help carry.

I think we just hit that point where it's like, you either move forward

together, or you call it quits.

You guys want different things.

Yeah, but it didn't always used to be like that.

You know, I still remember that first day. You know, when she walked into

Vintage Vinyl, I mean, she had a Ramones shirt on, for God's sakes. Yeah, but,

Brent, she was 23 years old.

You've grown into being different people, and you're still clinging to

image in your head of that girl who walked into the record store, and that's

who Wendy is anymore.

Well, I guess she's not.

Guest rooms open, as always.

You know, as a special treat.

I might even pay a little rent this time.

That is a special treat.

Dude, Danny Finn just walked into the bar.

Should we buy him a drink?

No! He ditched us with like a $600 bill.

He likes good scotch.

Okay, that was one of the worst nights ever.

You want to let him get away with that? Damn it, you're right.

I'm going to go say something.

Fine. I'll come with.

Hey.

Hey, good to see you guys.

Just in time. Bartender. A round on my friends.

Yeah, not so much. See, you owe us some money from the other night.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

You walked out on a $600 tab.

Did I hurt the little baby's feelings?

He gets it.

on, man. Just do the right thing.

You know, buying you a drink is one thing, but sticking us with a huge tab,

that's just... You tell me you think some meal at a crappy steakhouse is

for all the good times I've given you? Are you a crazy person? We just met.

The memories, man.

Come on, the memories of all those summer afternoons where I led the Cubs

victory. Think about that, and then tell me who owes who what.

I'm gonna give you a memory.

Bartender, can I get a drink right here, please?

I want you to remember this is the last drink some fan ever bought for your

washed -up ass.

Nice. Thanks, man.

You don't get it.

Hey, uh, you're Danny Finn, right? Sure am.

Want to buy me a drink?

Hey, Phyllis, ready to play some poker?

All of her stuff is gone.

I think I have the answer.

What?

Wait a second. She just took off just like that?

Just like that.

How could she do that?

You're probably too young to remember, but she's always been like that, Peach.

She's a runner.

I'm surprised she lasted the weekend, really.

No, wait, but we were having such a good time, you know?

And there was Kenny and... Not anymore.

Thank God.

Look, Peach, there's a reason why she's not that close to anyone in the family.

I can count on one hand how many times any of us have seen her in the last ten

years. Yeah, well, that's because she travels so much. And isn't that a

convenient excuse?

No, it's different with us, Andy.

I mean, I'm her favorite, you know, and we're so alike, and... Whoa! Oh, my God,

no, Peach.

You two are nothing alike.

You're... you're like Mom.

Like Mom?

Okay, mom is... Responsible, generous, caring.

I mean, you'd never run off and leave your family or friends, would you?

Resemblance is kind of scary at times.

Kenny, what you doing here?

Playing poker, right?

Hey, I picked up a bottle of Merlot. You're gonna love it.

Uh...

She didn't tell you anything, did she?

What are you talking about?

Wait.

So she's gone?

It's a sad thing when we find ourselves disappointed by our heroes.

Whether it's because we idealize them...

Or think we know them.

Or want to be like them.

And always things when our heroes fall from grace.

And again, it also helps to remind us who our real heroes

are.

Hey, Mom.