Original subtitles

At various junctures in all relationships, someone has to perform a

in order to protect that relationship's core.

In baseball, that's called taking one for the team.

It's not fun. It's going to sting.

But if it gives your team an edge, you do it, and you do it with a big fake

smile on your face.

Usually.

The house we're buying in Naperville, it's going to be inspected, and the guy

wants to know if it has a...

Something I've never heard of. A garage?

Man, I can't believe you're actually doing it. I mean, Naperville?

May you all be singing a different tune when I come by with bags and bags of

tomatoes from our vegetable garden. Wait a minute.

Free tomatoes?

Are you planning zucchinis? Because, yum.

You gotta get some chickens.

No, seriously, have you ever had an egg that just came out of a chicken? No, and

I've never taken a swig out of a cow's udder, but I don't think I'm missing

Hey, hey, poke a piece.

Fry drop in from Trouty, boy effin' howdy.

Really? He knows it's polka dot. I didn't call him. Sorry for the

visit, but a pipe burst out of the learning annex and my tumbling class got

canceled. Hey, sweets for the sweet?

Sugar cube.

It's like old school style from Mother Britain.

Wow, thanks. I'll give them to my horses.

Kenny Loggins, your slacks, taking in a full inch.

Dude, hop back on the carb train. You're looking too angular.

What's up, boo -boo? And a hearty hello to the rest of the mystery machine.

Hey, you want to play a hand?

Well, that's just the thing, boys and women, and why I stopped by. Trouty can

get us into an exclusive, hush -hush underground nightclub that features,

its many amenities, a sweet craps table and drinks that can knock you every

which way to Tuesday.

And the name of this magical club of which I speak of unequivocally?

Why are you whispering? It's a deal. You can't say it out loud. That is utterly

ridiculous. I've read about this place, and it's supposed to be epic, like the

old Playboy clubs, and super exclusive.

I heard cues I couldn't even get pivoted. How much like the old Playboy

And more to the point, and I think we all know where I'm going with this.

How hot are the waitresses? No bunny ears or powder puff tails, but the

meat is of similar quality.

I'm in. You're kidding me? You're really going to a place because the waitresses

are one step above Hooker? I'm in.

Oh, yeah. So, tomorrow night, we all down for a hang at the Stry's Inn.

All right, party people.

We ready for our big night out?

Yes. Um, it's not a mime club. Which one are you, Crockett or Tubbs? Well

played. That's a good one, David Copperfield.

Hey, have you heard from Trouty yet? No, he'll text me with the address once he

gets the go -ahead from the doorman, and not one second sooner.

Hey. Hey.

Kenny, I want to bring a guest.

Well, you can't, so the end.

Come on. I made a date with him for tonight before we knew about... This is

sand. It doesn't work that way, okay?

Wait a second. Is this Greg from Business Affairs?

Yes. Go do that, okay? We can go to, you know, another night, okay? Play

this thing out.

Once again, the phrase, Greg from Business Affairs, captures a certain

flair for romance that just...

Holy crap, I got the address. Let's go. Come on, we're rolling.

Here we go.

Oh, and that's Greg with two Gs on the end, right?

Yeah, how did you know?

We didn't. Just sort of, you know, sensed it. Yeah, it's weird.

Kind of weird.

What is that extra G for?

Eight.

Eight's the number.

All right, here we go.

See you, Tudor.

Sweet golden palace of the Himalayas. I know, right?

And the kicker? This place used to be a 31 Flavors.

No way.

Excuse me, but you can't. Yo,

Trouty, welcome home, my man. What's up, Willie Shoemaker? How you feeling, huh?

Hey, this is my tribe. Are we cool? We are very cool. If you're Trouty friends,

then you're friends of... We're Trouty friends.

Chowdy, I gotta hand it to you, man. This place is killer. And the fact that

are connected here is... I'm gonna go with unexpected.

This is a tasty beverage.

No, seriously, usually I'm not into these fruity drinks, but these things

be made with the freshest organic produce flown in privately from Hawaii,

Taipei, and... Hello, everyone.

I'm Steve.

Stevey, Steve.

How you feeling, man? Hey, these are my peeps, of whom I've told you about.

Yeah, of course. Know them in an instant. Um...

You must be Ken Dog, Mike the Red, Brendel, Boo Boo, and, of course,

PJ.

How come she gets to be PJ?

Trouty called her peanut butter and jelly once and she punched him. Hi,

Hi. Your club is amazing.

Thank you. You've only scratched the surface.

Hey, Frida, could we get a round of crab leg?

Mm -hmm.

Thank you.

Now, since you're all friends of Trouty, needless to say, drinks are on me. And

here are some chips.

to get you started with on the craft stable.

And if you need anything at all, please contact either Frida or Laurie or

Jasmine or Connie or Lisa or Gretchen or Beth or

Kathy. I'm sure you get the idea.

This is incredible.

Totally know it, my widgets.

Let's try it.

Come on.

So, yeah, Steve really hooked us up tonight. He gave us our own private

and personal waitress and access to the fancy bathroom.

Oh, wow.

Yeah. How do you know Steve so well?

Um, Steve and us are friends. Two little pieces of eight.

Oh. You playing nicely with RFK and MikeSpace .com? Because if not, Trouty

be all up in your grill, which, by the way, is one fine and dandy looking

Um, I think we're going to check out the fancy bathroom.

No. Excuse us. No. Uh.

You ever made love on a bed of popcorn kernels, baby?

Damn, little big man, you're looking all tense.

Want me to work out a knot or two? Trouty, really, I'm fine. Dude, I can

tell you sleep well. Come here.

Somebody's up a slow blow to Ben Franklin.

Sweet ride, sweet ride. Hey, let me blow on the dice. No, don't do it.

Come on, man, you guys know me. I'm like a walking rabbit's foot. Come on, let

me blow.

Don't do it, man, it's cursed. Just roll.

Hey, dog, really?

Come on, man, who's your pal?

Sure.

One more, baby.

One more, one more.

Step it out.

Step it out? Damn it.

Snap. That's never happened before.

So, PJ, having fun?

Yes, I am. I usually hate seaming clothes like this, but this place is

I'm actually not a seamy guy, although faking it's an occupational hazard.

I heard about your cozy little poker game.

I would love to play sometime.

Yeah, it's a small game with friends. That sounds good, too. Let's be friends.

Wow, you don't miss a trick, do you?

Part of the job.

Oh, is this the house specialty?

Nope, it's my specialty. I only make it for certain people on certain occasions.

Some a certain person?

You're absolutely a certain person.

Oh, looky, looky. Nice catch, Stevie Steve.

I've been trying to snag this carp for a while now. Hey, let me help to bridge

any gaps here. Both of you whisper in my ear and tell me who's your favorite

beanie.

Seriously, that play is crawling with celebrity. I could have spit on Gary

Sinise. I can't believe I missed it. Wait, you never actually told us what

down with Greg.

Private conversation for later. You totally had sex with him, didn't you?

Why not? You're a pig.

Anyway, come on, tell me more about... There's not much left to say, except

other than it was the perfect night.

Well, except for... Well,

Peach, you haven't said much. What did you think?

Steve hit on me. What? Oh, my God. What happened?

Okay, it was going great. Then, of course... Trouty. Thank you. But after

he did ask me out, and, you know, I don't know.

Wait a minute, PJ.

This is awesome.

Did you see? If she's in with Steve, that means we don't have to use Trouty

get into, and I can't believe I'm about to say this. This is crazy.

Yeah, you got to do it. You got to do this. It's not always your decision when

you take one for the team, but...

What the hell? The guy's hot. All right, all right, all right.

Hey,

we're up for Shufflepuck.

It was nice.

It was exactly nice.

He just broke up with his girlfriend.

So no, no, no. It's okay, because she made him feel like crap for ages.

So I took the role of builder -upper. Made him feel good about himself. So

that we're going out again tomorrow.

That's great.

And I want you to meet him. What, like on the second date, Stephanie? That's

weird. I don't want you to join us. I want you to just happen to be here, you

know? Having a drink alone.

I don't drink alone.

Which is precisely why you come here.

You know everyone, so you're not technically drinking alone.

Point made.

Come on, you have such a good radar and stuff like this.

And then you're free. To drink alone?

It's a great life I've carved out for myself.

Cheers.

So, do you like my place?

It's like being inside Jeannie's bottle.

Ready for the show again? Oh, I want to do it. I want to do it.

Okay.

I love it.

Holy crap.

Oh, my God, I love it.

Thank you.

Wow, they don't crack a smile, do they?

Two of those guys used to be with the Joffrey.

Oh, wow.

And, by the way...

Oh, no, I hate table magic. I'm sorry.

No, these are the exclusive white cards of Stride.

All access passes for you and for your friends.

Thank you so much. I don't know what to say.

Just say hi. Oh, hi, Steve. Hi.

It's just that you are so awfully close is all.

Yes, and transitively, so are you.

Oh, my God. You just turned into that guy in like five seconds. I know. I...

Sorry.

Still, let's make out. Oh, hey.

What's up? Are you kidding me? Who are you? Well, quite frankly, a guy who

to do a radio interview in about an hour or so.

Sorry, lovebirds, but I lost my cell phone, so I borrowed Ken Dogg's cell

to call my cell phone so I could try to hear it ring. So everyone...

Snap. Goose egg. Where could it be?

I don't know. Maybe we should take a quick pass around the club and find out.

gotta get going anyway, if that's cool.

Sounds cool to me.

There are a couple ways to take one for the team. One is to make a sacrifice

fly.

Trouty, did you know what was... Never speak of this. Then you knew that

Steve... Steve is a friend of mine. You are a friend of mine.

I don't want nobody to be unduly embarrassed.

Cool? Late.

You're out. It doesn't help your stats. Heck, your at -bat isn't even recorded.

But a good sack fly can often send a runner home.

White card to that place.

Way to go, PJ. We are in. We are now at the top rung of Chicago coolness. And

more importantly, we now live in a trouty free world. Yeah.

Guys, he got us in there in the first place, okay? Let up on Trouty. Why are

now the defender of Trouty? He's a human being, okay? With a heart.

We know he has a heart. It's just that, you know, it's surrounded on all sides

by a Trouty.

Hey. Hey, they've been waiting for you for another night of clubbing. After the

inspection, it took me two hours to get here from Naperville.

Two. What in the world?

Well, then don't move.

They.

I'm going to unstop them. bullet train to Suburban now.

From here on in, my life will only involve Naperville and stay -at -home

alcohol. Give me.

Look at her.

No, wait. Look at her.

No, wait.

Look at her.

No, wait.

I'm exhausted.

And it's still early yet. These are the responsible ones who have to hold down

jobs and stuff. Yeah, the hot coke heads don't come in until about one.

Hey, guys. We just cleaned up Baccarat. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Who

plays Baccarat? Well, evidently we do, and evidently we're very, very good.

I wonder why tonight is so different than the other night here.

I wonder if it's because there's no one chasing away the pretty lady.

Could be because nobody's been blizzowing on my dice.

Man, Trouty is the worst.

Sorry.

We were just enjoying the Trouty -free environment this evening. Really? I

thought Trouty was your... No, no, hold on there. We're not really friends with

Trouty. We're just kind of... We can't stand him. Yeah.

Trouty's not your... How can you not...

A few years ago, I was hiking next to the river in Yosemite when I tripped

over a huge beehive. A bee.

Started to attack me, so I jumped in the river. The unceasingly strong current

swept me towards the falls where Trouty was teaching a pack of Weeblos

semaphore. Trouty stripped down all the way for some reason, jumped in and

carried me to safety, swimming upstream like a trout.

And that is how Trouty got his name.

It wasn't until years later that I realized salmon swim upstream, so, you

it doesn't really work. Still, he risked his life to save mine.

So if you don't like Trouty, you don't like life, you don't like humanity, so

you know what? Get out.

Get out of... Just describe that.

Bye.

That place sucks.

Where's Trout?

Gone.

What?

Remember how his ex made him feel terrible?

And I was building him up. Well, I made him feel so good about himself that he

got up the confidence to call up the ex.

Yeah, I know. And according to his last text, things are going great.

Thanks. With an X.

It's his loss.

I know.

Okay, make me feel better. Oh, sure.

Hey, I heard that alcohol makes bad feelings go away. Let's try it. Hey, I

how you can really raise my spirits.

You can take me to the dry sand.

I don't know. I really have had it with that place. You said you wanted to make

me feel better.

Can I help you?

I'm PJ. Remember me?

I'll take it from here, so...

Hello, PJ.

Hey, Steve.

This is my friend Stephanie. We just came for a quick drink.

I'm sorry.

No. You and your friends are no longer welcome here. Look, this is about back

from the other night. This is not about the other night. This is about how you

and your friends feel about Trouty.

There's no discussion.

I'd like you both to leave my club.

No, wait. I like you, Trouty. Salt!

Go directly to jail.

You know what? I'm okay with that, because I would rather spend another

jail than another night in the Streisand!

Streisand!

Hi,

honey.

Oh, that's horrible.

Well, what else?

All right, all right, I'll talk to you at home about this. Okay.

Yeah, me too.

Hi. Everything okay? Apparently the house inspector found mold.

Tons of horrible, infectious mold.

The place is uninhabitable.

The place is uninhabitable.

The deal fell through. We're now moving to neighborhood.

Hey!

Hey, you guys.

What the hell happened with you and Trouty at the club?

Oh, you mean down at the Streisand!

Streisand!

Nothing.

Really. I mean, we were just ragging on Trouty a little bit, and then that Steve

guy went all ballistic.

He kicked us out. It was crazy.

Crazy. That guy's crazy.

I know.

Yeah. Hey, Trouty, come sit and have a drink with us.

Why don't you like me?

What? We like you.

I thought you were my family.

You know, my family. I loved you guys from both here and here.

My Christmas card last year, just a picture of the five of you.

New guy I was going to Photoshop you in this year, but not to hear this?

To know this?

Snap.

Wait, Charlie, we like you.

Well, I heard differently.

And if I have ever wronged any of you in any way, I would expect as a friend

that you would tell me.

God's truth?

100%, yeah.

No, wait, hold on.

Look, Johnny, you're right. We are your friends, so you should know.

They said some things about you, and they are sorry, but they said it.

But look, somebody should just tell you, because you're a really great guy, and

you deserve to know.

Sometimes you're a little tough to hang out with.

Why didn't you tell me about this before?

Because we thought it would be mean.

Not telling me it was mean.

So, come clean. What about me bugs you?

Oh, Charlie, this... No, no, come on, bring it. I deserve better, right? So...

Okay.

Uh, sometimes you can be a little bit, um...

Overbearing? Hold on.

All right, overbearing. What else?

You can be a little inappropriate with women.

I'm on it.

I think you just try too hard. I mean, you should really relax around your

friends. Yeah. Chill out in friend town.

I'll tell you something.

It's incredibly impressive to watch someone take one for the team,

when it's a team of just one.

I want you all to know that I will take this all to heart, and I will strive to

correct these errors in behavioral judgment.

Great. Hey, have a beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, grab a seat. Let's play.

Hold on.

Now it's my turn.

Kenny, you're first.

Trouty, don't play that way.

I'm done.

No.

Trouty, you know what? Go ahead. Yeah, go ahead and play it, Kenny. I said no.

I don't find fault in my friends. I don't.

I honestly enjoy how Kenny smells all garlicky all the time. I revel in that.

And the fact that Mike has a voice that can cut through stone, I don't see that

as a bad thing. It's what makes him him.

And Brandon, with his creepily constant five o 'clock shadow, a new guy with his

hair all zoot -stout like he just got struck by lightning, I respect it.

And P .J.

Because he was the only one that would tell me the truth.

I respect that most of all.

So?

Hey, guys.

The next round is on me.

How does that sound?

Terrific. I will go to the bar, and I will be right back.

Sit tight.

Hang on a second.

Zootst? My hair is zootst?

You know, actually, I think he was way out of line just now.

He didn't say anything about me. You have an enormous head. That's for Trouty

say, not you.

Buckethead, what are you drinking?