Original subtitles

Hey, guys. Hey.

You guys are a bit cranky these days, and the reason for it is so elemental.

It's so primal. It's almost animalistic. Your shirt.

Yeah. Teams of all sorts go through slumps, periods when things just aren't,

know, coming together. And this team is in a huge slump.

In that for the first time since I can remember, not a one of them is going out

with anyone.

And I mean no one is getting anything.

About what?

About the shirt.

No dates. No one night stands.

Nothing. And wow, they're cranky. What do you mean stupid?

How can a shirt be stupid? You asked me what I thought about your shirt and I

told you it's stupid.

You know what? You're stupid.

I think you're stupid. I think you're stupid. I think your pants are really

stupid. My pants are smarter than you. Wow.

It's like being at the Algonquin Roundtable. Come on.

Who's Ben?

Oh, my God.

And Andy, well, he's married, and that brings a whole different set of reasons

to be cranky.

Andy, are you going to play or what? We need you.

I don't think I can.

This is insane.

Get to bed now. It's Savannah's fifth birthday this weekend.

Meredith wants us assembled for when she wakes up.

There's, like...

800 pieces to this thing. I thought the farm would be easier than the 100 -acre

wood, but apparently I was wrong.

Look at that.

Tiniest jelly jar I've ever seen.

Why is there a jelly jar?

Evidently, Ma makes her own preserves.

I can't wait to have kids.

Yeah, you see, now that would require you having sex.

Oh! Ow!

Just shut up. You shut up. Be quiet. Just shut up. The hole under your nose

is... We really need to be writing this stuff down.

Hey, what are you guys doing tomorrow night? Sam Winch's band is playing at

Hideout. Oh, he's good. He's really good. Oh, we started playing him at the

station, actually.

Which is what I will be doing tomorrow night.

Taking change shift.

Change shift. Change shift. Change shift. Change shift. That's fun. I have

dinner with my cousin from Indiana.

Sorry, I'm out.

I'm going to a Peter, Paul, and Mommy concert tomorrow night in Elgin.

I don't want to talk about it.

All right, Kenny, you and me.

Um, uh, I don't know. I don't think, uh, no, I'm volunteering at a dog rescue

place tomorrow.

Really? Yep. Who's deal?

Me. Okay.

Well, I love dogs. I might want to go with you. What's it called?

Uh, what?

It's a dog shelter.

What's it called? Last to Come Home. I like the movie. It's called Last to Come

Home. It's a collie.

Shelter, because Lassie was a collie. Lassie was a golden retriever. Golden

retriever. Shelter, because Lassie was a golden retriever. Face.

Lassie was a collie. Uh, Shane Shift.

Say it with me. It's fun. Shane Shift. Shane Shift. Oh, my God. You guys are

full of crap.

I'm calling bullshit.

What? Why?

What are you guys doing tomorrow night that I'm not invited to?

Nothing. God.

Nice work, Kenny.

Good, Pete.

We're all going out tomorrow night, and the whole idea was that it was just

supposed to be, you know, guys' night.

What?

Why? We're going out to pick up girls. Boom!

I said it. Look, we're all in horrific slumps right now. So?

So we're going out.

Hunting.

Hunting? Hunting, okay? We've decided to adapt a pack mentality, like wolves or

velociraptors. Look, it's just guys being guys, all right?

The bottom line is that we need to go out and be piggish without you looking

over our shoulders and, let's be honest, judging the prey that we ensnare.

Oh, my God, that's disgusting.

And shut up. I would not be judgmental of your women, okay? I never said

anything about that total north suburban whore that you went up to Wisconsin.

And shut up again. I know what I just did.

PJ, seriously, you're not missing out on anything, all right? We're going to the

slug house.

Ugh, the slug house. That is just disgusting.

Well, that's where the prey is. Okay, so let's just play cards. Brendan, your

deal. Thank God you guys are pathetic.

Dinner with my cousin. I'm working a double shift. I come on a collie

The Peter, Paul, and Mommy thing was true.

Yeah.

Even though he's dating Claire, Bobby and I are in a good place

these days. We're just friends, and that's okay.

No, really.

I love Sam Winch. I do. Okay. I can't do it. I have dinner with Claire. It's

like our two -week anniversary or some crap like that.

She's one of those.

Well, if she brings you a teddy bear and names it, then you break up with her.

Okay.

You know, I did get her a corsage. Is that weird?

Did she name it?

Thank you.

Um, this is a bar, right? Because I just ordered a martini and Crowley glared at

me. Did you ask for blue cheese stuffed olives again?

What? It's a simple question.

Come on. You know what? You have good timing because I got to get going. So I

will see you at poker.

Totally. Cool. See you guys. Bye.

Wait a minute.

Is Crush Boy back in the picture?

No. No. No. That's done. We're fine. We're just friends.

Really? Yeah.

I mean, yeah, okay, it was exciting. Like, that, you know, initial crush

You know what I mean? We'll go this way or that way. Now that the unknown is

known. Wow, that's a little sad.

Oh, so what? Who else you got lined up?

What are you talking about? Who you working on? Who's your next crush?

No, I'm not working on anybody.

Everyone is working on someone, okay? Because I'm working on seven crushes.

As we speak, it keeps me on my game between, you know, actual human dating.

Dude, I don't have a crush.

I mean, I've always at least had a crush.

All right, well, just pick someone famous.

You know, like George Clooney or Matt Damon.

Oh, my God, freshman year.

Didn't you have a crush on Matlock? Oh, for like a minute, okay? And he was

really smart.

Okay, you guys, look, I'm in a slump, too.

Let me come to the slug house with you. No.

Why not? I can help hunt. I want to hunt. I want to be hunted.

No. I say we let her come.

What the hell, you know? Let her be our wingman.

We're all in slumps. Let's help each other out.

Who the hell are you all of a sudden? Come on, Mike. She's going to be fine.

Helpful even.

Yes. Thank you. We'll all be each other's wing person.

Oh, you see? Why? Come on. Why can't I come?

Because to be a good wing...

person, you, PJ, are going to not be comfortable doing what you have to do.

What's that?

Making me look good. That is hard. Okay, you guys, look, I'm not going to judge,

and secondly, I understand you guys, and I understand women.

Kind of, dude.

No. I buy all drinks all night. All right, you're in.

All right, here we go. One more round of confidence shots.

Here we go.

What was that? I don't know. What was this?

Did he see?

You're cool.

All right, so when a team is in a slump, they'll do almost anything to find

their way out of it. You know, they'll wear the same underwear for a week or

turn their socks inside out. Whatever it takes to get out of the slump.

Even this.

Oh, my God. Are you kidding? What? I'm just saying.

All right. Okay. Are we good? I'm in.

Let's do this.

I think I just caught chlamydia.

What? It's a joke. I mean, seriously.

Geez. Old style.

Go around the Jaegers and just keep them coming.

We're going to do this. We're going to do this.

Disgusting. So anyway, I'm at Yosemite for like a week

camping, and it was amazing.

I was going to go get some drinks, but did I hear you talk Yosemite? Didn't you

go fly fishing there and catch like eight or nine in a day? Actually, it was

ten, and I totally forgot about that. Wow.

That's awesome.

Yeah, it was great. Did you grill them up over the campfire? No, no, no. I hate

fish. Oh, I love fish.

I starve without sushi. Oh, my God. Me, too. Where do you go? Oh, this great

place up on Clark.

I love that place. I know. Oh, my God. It's kind of hard to get into, though.

Oh, you know where the best is? You're not going to believe this.

Skokie. When I think sushi, I don't think Skokie. I like chicken teriyaki.

Anyway, it's actually up on Dempster near Old Orchard in a mini mall. Well,

course. You've got to give me the address, like, immediately.

Oh, wait, there's a napkin over there. Okay, it's actually not on Dempster, but

if you go towards Waukegan, up to the right, you know that cemetery?

Oh, yeah, of course.

Totally. They play movies over there. I heard. Oh, you've got to go. It's so

nice.

Can I get another beer for her? What is it? It's Kathleen, right? Dude, did you

see that play?

No, I'm talking to Kathleen. Oh, my God, it was awesome. The ball shot right

back to Maddox.

That's great news. I'm going to watch that on SportsCenter later. So,

Oh, dude, watch the replay. Seriously, it's unbelievable.

Would you excuse me?

Sure.

She's cute, dude.

Don't. You know what? Just don't.

Oh, I'm sorry.

So, we're driving back from the St. Louis game, and the cop pulls us over.

And then, PJ, tell Nancy what I said.

What? You know, to the cop.

What? I don't know what you said.

What I said when the cop pulled us over. I said, you know... That was you? I

thought that was Bobby. No, no, that was me. You didn't even go to that game

with us. Why don't you go talk to Brendan?

Oh, dude, I don't want to bug him. He seems to be doing really well, huh?

You're killing me.

Hey, PJ.

Yeah. This is Ed.

You went to the King Tut exhibit, right? Yeah. You did? I did, too.

Kismet! This is actually the second time that I saw it, and it was as, I don't

know, as magical as it was when I saw it as a kid. Remember, it came by back in

the 70s. We were studying ancient Egypt in school.

I grew up in Glenview. Yaw and fright.

I still live there.

Anyway, then Steve Martin did that song.

If this were an actual hunt with actual guns, I would be able to kill Ed and

turn the gun on myself.

And Kenny and Mike.

Oh, I don't eat food.

You are the best cow.

That's why you're going to be the king of all the cows.

Hey.

Hey, how'd it go? Well...

We left with four and we came back with four, which would be great if we were an

outward bound group.

However... I'm sorry, okay? I don't know how else to say. I'm sorry.

It was a complete waste of time.

I'm sorry.

What are you talking about? You were batting them away.

None of them were really my type. Oh, so now you're above slutty and young. Hey,

you guys, look.

Next time, I promise.

Next time? No, not next time. No, there's no next time for you, Missy.

we, the council, have voted you off the island.

You guys, when a team slumps, they go through that slump together, okay? They

tough it out.

She's right.

Sometimes they make a trade or even release a player because they're a

albatross. They do that.

I'm not an albatross.

Oh, you are an albatross. No, I'm not. Oh, you're an albatross. You guys are

dicks.

Oh, you're an albatross.

Hey, hey, that is not a toy.

She threw a sheep in my shirt.

Sheep shirt.

Just all jello shots and idiots from the outer suburbs. I'm talking like outer

suburbs, like, you know, Canada. And the guys, they were just all different.

They were all like... Oh, they were all guy -y.

Plain and simple. And you are not guy -y. You are girl -y.

Hey! Hey, Bella!

Hey, Jay! How's it hanging?

Low and easy.

Okay, you're girl -ish.

Now, look, I know that you love those guys, and I do too, except Kenny, but

can't be one of the guys all the time.

I mean, did it ever occur to you that they actually might be dragging you

Have they ever set you up with anyone?

No. All right, here's the solution.

We're going to go out for a civilized night on the town, and we are going to

dress up like women and have cocktails.

Proper cocktails that don't come in a can.

Huh.

You know, that could be fun. Done.

How's Monday?

Oh, I can't. Football's on. Tuesday.

Cubs -Dodgers night game. Wednesday.

Blackhawks. Paige, come on. Okay, Thursday.

I can't. The O .C. Oh, I can't believe you watched that show. Well, fine.

Okay, okay, fine.

I'll Tivo.

There you go, beautiful.

Keep swinging.

Right back at your ass, baby.

Yep.

I don't do that.

The O .C., huh?

I don't know, man. I've been to Orange County, and people in Orange County do

not look like that. If they did, they would move to L .A. to get on a TV show.

Another picture? Yeah. Absolutely. Thanks. That's great.

M -7.

M. Okay, M. There's no M.

Sorry.

F -7.

Myth. And you're an idiot.

Isn't that Brennan?

It's Wendy.

Wendy's calling.

Wendy. I thought they broke up. Exactly my point. Why would she be calling him?

You check the phone log.

I'm in.

Dude, you can't do that. No, it's easy. I have the same phone.

Oh, this is messed up. There's tons of both incoming and outgoing calls to one

Wendy Herringer. Oh, really?

Oh, and he's got three calls to Sybaris.

Very telling.

Sybaris? What is Sybaris? Oh, Sybaris. It's like this total pleasure palace

motel out in Northbrook with hourly rates and satin sheets and waterfalls in

room. It is epic.

Epic. That is telling.

Now, I'm not a fancy girl. And the only way I would come to a place like this is

if my parents were paying and I knew I could split early because they go to

sleep at like 8 .30. So how's that going down?

It's good. And fast.

The glasses are so...

I'm all here.

Civilized. And nothing gets you out of a slump like a hot bath and a well -made

drink. Yeah, it's been a while since I felt feminine. And it was long overdue.

You know what? We should do this more often. It's good to feel soft.

You know?

Pretty.

Womanly. I mean, every once in a while I think to myself, do I even have a

vagina?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I will say this, though.

The service is crazy slow. I know, but cocktails, proper cocktails, take time

make. Yeah, well, they don't take time to drink.

I'm going to go up and get myself a fast beer.

You cool?

Mm -hmm. Great.

Make sure they put it in a glass.

You really think I'm going to clamp it, don't you?

Hey, that martini was great.

Do you have an old style?

Sorry, no old style.

Boy, I saw that coming.

What beers do you have?

Half a bison, an old speckled hen, a six -point craft ale brownstone.

The closest thing to an old style that they have here is a Pilsner Arkell.

And hello.

Thank you.

I'll have a Pilsner Arkell.

And hello.

Q3. Now he's come.

Q.

G3. What is the matter with you?

Hello, liar.

What? Well, your phone rang, and we happened to notice that it was Wendy.

Wendy. Really?

That's weird.

Weird? Is it weird? Is it weird to you?

Weird. Hmm.

That's interesting, because, you see, we did a little... Invasion of your

privacy?

Bingo. And we noticed that you guys have been talking all the time. What's the

deal? You're back together again, aren't you? Dude, you went through my phone

log, man?

Maybe.

Dude, why have you been lying to us?

Come on. We lied to PJ about what we were doing the other night. How is this

different? Hey, we're not the ones on trial here. You see, this is why he was

getting hit on so much the other night, because he has the stink of success on

him. Yeah, that's true. Nothing is more attractive than somebody who doesn't

need to be attractive.

Since I got Claire, I've been batting them away.

You know, the whole Wendy thing, it's just been so on again, off again, I

just... I feel stupid, you know?

Really, really stupid.

So I didn't say anything because I didn't want to look, you know, stupid.

Yeah. Hey, Brando, come on, that's ridiculous.

I mean, every time you've gotten back together with her, you look stupid.

And yet, we always get past it.

Thanks, Mike.

Look, if you're seeing somebody, we're happy for you. I mean, you're not in our

slump and... That's a good thing, so good job, buddy. Well done.

I mean, technically, I'm not in your slump either, but... Thanks,

fellas. It does feel good to not have to keep it a secret anymore.

We're not going to tell PJ, though, right? Yeah, I wouldn't. No, heavy man,

she would rip your head off.

Well, you're a journalist. You must have a million stories. Why not write a

book? Oh, my gosh, I don't know. It's such a huge commitment. You know, books

are really long. Come on.

Nicole Richie wrote a book? I know you can.

Well, look at this. We're talking about actual stuff.

And he's cute and funny.

It's also grown up and mature.

Well, it's time.

The London office just got to work.

It's that conference call. I'm sorry. I gotta take it. No, I know, I know, I

know. I mean, for the record, you're the only one I know who doesn't avoid calls

from work.

And London, by the way. Okay, so tomorrow night, top of the Hancock,

room. Trite, I know, but you can't beat the view.

Yeah, no, I mean, it's a clear night. We can see all the way to Gary, Indiana.

Have you been there? I have not had the pleasure.

Well, if you play your cards right, buddy, I might just take you there.

I know a steel mill that has a fantastic tour.

I'm in.

All right, well, good night.

As

nights

go, that was one of the best.

And now we're back to that exciting guessing game.

Will it go this way or that way?

I mean, I've got a pretty good idea it's going to go that way.

And we didn't talk about baseball the entire night.

Oh, yeah.

Ow!

Get him!

Hey, when are you going to get a flat screen in here? Your disposal's broken.

You're out of bugles again.

I finished.

Whoa, what are you wearing? Why do you look like that?

I went out.

With who?

Queen Elizabeth?

Okay, forgive me for classing it up a little bit. Do you guys ever think that

maybe this is the reason why you're in a slump in the first place?

What are you talking about?

This! You guys!

You act like you're in a frickin' fraternity, and you wonder why you're

seeing anybody?

I mean, okay, you guys are great guys, right? But this whole going out hunting

as a group and acting like, well, pigs doesn't work, okay?

Tonight, I went out. I acted like an adult.

And I am officially out of my slump.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to go take a bath.

Is she seriously taking a bath?

Please, sir, could you bring me some more hot water for my bath?

It's like Oliver and Elton Man. A little bit of a mix. Did you get it? That was

nice, man. She is right.

You guys are kind of immature.

See you next time with the silo. Oh, my mistake.