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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:25,892 (mysterious music) 2 00:00:43,076 --> 00:00:44,611 - Hello, brothers and sisters. 3 00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:47,313 This is the Reverend Nathan Ashbury of the Divinity Church. 4 00:00:47,313 --> 00:00:49,582 You know, a lot of people today are in a panic 5 00:00:49,582 --> 00:00:51,718 of the recent resurrection of the dead, 6 00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:53,853 and what this means to our future. 7 00:00:53,853 --> 00:00:55,688 Well, as any good Christian knows, 8 00:00:55,688 --> 00:00:58,191 this was prophesized long ago in the writings of 9 00:00:58,191 --> 00:01:00,627 John for the book of Revelations. 10 00:01:00,627 --> 00:01:03,463 This is our judgment day, and as long 11 00:01:03,463 --> 00:01:05,832 as you've walked the line and been right with God, 12 00:01:05,832 --> 00:01:07,300 you have nothing to fear. 13 00:01:07,300 --> 00:01:10,170 Rejoice, as Jesus is coming at last. 14 00:01:10,170 --> 00:01:11,871 And for those of you who have not let Christ 15 00:01:11,871 --> 00:01:14,541 into your heart, it's not too late for you as well. 16 00:01:14,541 --> 00:01:16,409 Repent your sins. 17 00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:20,346 Let the spirit of God fill that empty void in your heart. 18 00:01:20,346 --> 00:01:22,348 Return to the flock, my little lamb, 19 00:01:22,348 --> 00:01:25,452 because Jesus loves you, and I love you. 20 00:01:25,452 --> 00:01:27,620 Again, this is the Reverend Nathan Ashbury 21 00:01:27,620 --> 00:01:28,888 of the Divinity Church. 22 00:01:28,888 --> 00:01:30,623 Please join us every Wednesday and Sunday 23 00:01:30,623 --> 00:01:32,892 on Channel 83, cable 12. 24 00:01:32,892 --> 00:01:34,494 Christ be with you. 25 00:01:34,494 --> 00:01:36,896 Be safe, and have a good day. 26 00:01:50,577 --> 00:01:53,813 - Yep, that's how it's done, babe. 27 00:01:53,813 --> 00:01:55,281 - Right. 28 00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:59,352 - Now the old one-eyed wonder lizard's gotta spit. 29 00:02:00,854 --> 00:02:02,655 - Douche bag. 30 00:02:02,655 --> 00:02:06,759 I can't believe he dragged me all the way here for this. 31 00:02:17,337 --> 00:02:20,273 (zombies growling) 32 00:02:21,608 --> 00:02:24,110 (tense music) 33 00:02:26,045 --> 00:02:27,981 - Holy shit, dead tits. 34 00:02:29,315 --> 00:02:32,218 (zombies growling) 35 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:40,827 Oh shit. 36 00:02:44,797 --> 00:02:46,966 - God damn it, Gilbert, can you hurry the fuck up? 37 00:02:46,966 --> 00:02:50,303 I'm not trying to be out here all night. 38 00:02:52,071 --> 00:02:53,640 Fucking douche bag. 39 00:02:54,807 --> 00:02:57,544 What the fuck, stop playing around. 40 00:03:00,947 --> 00:03:04,551 (woman screaming) 41 00:03:04,551 --> 00:03:07,387 (Gilbert groaning) 42 00:03:12,625 --> 00:03:15,562 (zombies growling) 43 00:03:32,412 --> 00:03:35,081 (woman screams) 44 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:41,154 (zombies growling) 45 00:04:07,113 --> 00:04:09,616 (woman gasps) 46 00:04:31,337 --> 00:04:34,007 (woman screams) 47 00:04:58,631 --> 00:05:01,134 (woman gasps) 48 00:05:12,512 --> 00:05:13,846 (women laughing) 49 00:05:13,846 --> 00:05:15,348 - Alright ladies, settle down, 50 00:05:15,348 --> 00:05:17,483 the night is still young and we have to pace ourselves. 51 00:05:17,483 --> 00:05:19,419 - Yeah, settle down, bitches. 52 00:05:19,419 --> 00:05:22,221 We got all night to get our party on. 53 00:05:22,221 --> 00:05:23,723 - Oh, God, I've been looking forward 54 00:05:23,723 --> 00:05:25,325 to this get together all week. 55 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,694 The kids have been positively annoying. 56 00:05:27,694 --> 00:05:31,030 "Mom, Vanessa has my dolly and she won't give it back." 57 00:05:31,030 --> 00:05:33,299 Or "Mom, Riley is thumb-wrestling his wiener 58 00:05:33,299 --> 00:05:36,035 "to Daddy's magazines again." 59 00:05:36,035 --> 00:05:37,704 - God Lord, Molly, I know what you mean. 60 00:05:37,704 --> 00:05:39,872 Little Billy has been running all over the house, 61 00:05:39,872 --> 00:05:43,576 tell me everything he's going to be doing at camp this week. 62 00:05:43,576 --> 00:05:45,044 - Well, it's his father's fault. 63 00:05:45,044 --> 00:05:47,513 All those HBO shows he lets him watch with him, 64 00:05:47,513 --> 00:05:50,016 each and every one of them filth. 65 00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:53,186 - Hey, I like Game of Thrones. 66 00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:54,687 - You gotta love HBO. 67 00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:56,622 It doesn't matter if it's taking place in a castle 68 00:05:56,622 --> 00:06:00,927 besieged by dragons, on in a town in the old west, 69 00:06:00,927 --> 00:06:02,395 it's all about the fucking. 70 00:06:02,395 --> 00:06:04,397 - Oh my God, Stacy, that is so not true. 71 00:06:04,397 --> 00:06:06,666 You have no idea what you're talking about. 72 00:06:06,666 --> 00:06:08,668 - Come on now, it's all garbage nowadays. 73 00:06:08,668 --> 00:06:11,371 Teen moms, guidos, anorexic models, 74 00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:13,673 fornication, it's all garbage. 75 00:06:13,673 --> 00:06:15,942 - Hey Jenny, I was a teen mom and a model, 76 00:06:15,942 --> 00:06:18,311 and I turned out alright. 77 00:06:18,311 --> 00:06:21,614 - Yeah, you're a regular Rhodes scholar if I ever saw one. 78 00:06:21,614 --> 00:06:25,752 You, your husband, and your kid shacking up with big sis? 79 00:06:25,752 --> 00:06:27,520 I'd call that winning. 80 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:28,921 - You're such a cunt, Stacy. 81 00:06:28,921 --> 00:06:30,456 - Born and bred, bitch. 82 00:06:30,456 --> 00:06:32,158 - You wait and see when my agent calls me back 83 00:06:32,158 --> 00:06:33,693 on the next Michael Bay movie. 84 00:06:33,693 --> 00:06:36,496 You'll be looking at Hollywood's hottest new leading lady, 85 00:06:36,496 --> 00:06:39,832 and my sweet little Bella will be right by my side. 86 00:06:39,832 --> 00:06:41,834 - So Michael Bay is making porn now? 87 00:06:41,834 --> 00:06:43,069 Sweet. 88 00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:46,305 - You're like so not right in the head. 89 00:06:48,007 --> 00:06:50,410 - Oh, my God, that is divine. 90 00:06:52,311 --> 00:06:54,614 - I know, better than sex, right? 91 00:06:54,614 --> 00:06:57,750 - Not better than sex with my man, I'll tell you that much. 92 00:06:57,750 --> 00:07:00,586 Slade's got Ron Jeremy's cock 93 00:07:00,586 --> 00:07:03,055 with the tongue of Gene Simmons. 94 00:07:03,055 --> 00:07:05,091 - Hello, TMI, Stacy. 95 00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:07,660 - No, too much information would be telling you 96 00:07:07,660 --> 00:07:10,797 that one time, Slade diddled my cooter with a corn dog, 97 00:07:10,797 --> 00:07:13,633 and then he ate that sumbitch. 98 00:07:13,633 --> 00:07:16,536 - Jeezy birdbaths, that came out my nose. 99 00:07:16,536 --> 00:07:19,038 - No lie, Slade had me so wet 100 00:07:19,038 --> 00:07:21,774 the breading didn't even peel off the corn dog. 101 00:07:21,774 --> 00:07:24,510 - Well, with that lovely image forever burned 102 00:07:24,510 --> 00:07:25,645 into our brains, maybe it's time to change 103 00:07:25,645 --> 00:07:27,847 the topic of conversation. 104 00:07:27,847 --> 00:07:31,551 So Molly, how are you and Victor doing? 105 00:07:31,551 --> 00:07:34,554 - I'm going to get cleaned up, guys. 106 00:07:36,222 --> 00:07:38,724 (tense music) 107 00:07:41,627 --> 00:07:43,062 - Oh, oh, oh God. 108 00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:51,137 Get away, you pervs. 109 00:07:52,939 --> 00:07:54,173 Oh God, oh God. 110 00:07:55,608 --> 00:07:57,677 - Oh my God, guys, you'll never guess what I just saw. 111 00:07:57,677 --> 00:07:58,511 - What is it, Molly? 112 00:07:58,511 --> 00:08:00,012 What did you see? 113 00:08:00,012 --> 00:08:01,781 - There are these men chasing this woman down the street, 114 00:08:01,781 --> 00:08:03,649 except the men look dead, and the woman looked 115 00:08:03,649 --> 00:08:06,052 like a man in a skirt, and I don't know, 116 00:08:06,052 --> 00:08:09,956 we gotta go help her, or him, or, or whatever it was. 117 00:08:09,956 --> 00:08:12,925 - Girl, have you been dipping into my weed stash? 118 00:08:12,925 --> 00:08:16,028 - Now Stacy, I'm sure Molly's just a little confused. 119 00:08:16,028 --> 00:08:19,732 It's probably just some drunks outside fooling around. 120 00:08:19,732 --> 00:08:21,234 - I, I suppose so. 121 00:08:25,905 --> 00:08:27,974 - Man, this shit's going to be off the hook. 122 00:08:27,974 --> 00:08:30,042 Got your nipple (laughs). 123 00:08:30,042 --> 00:08:33,613 - Indeed it will, my friend, indeed. 124 00:08:33,613 --> 00:08:37,350 - I don't know, guys, I got a real bad feeling about this. 125 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:41,821 - Victor, Kalie was the hottest bitch back in high school. 126 00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:44,790 Now if she is still just half as hot 127 00:08:44,790 --> 00:08:47,527 as she was back then, imagine the entourage 128 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,862 she's going to have now. 129 00:08:49,862 --> 00:08:51,330 - Are you guys deaf? 130 00:08:51,330 --> 00:08:52,965 How many times do I have to tell you, 131 00:08:52,965 --> 00:08:57,136 I don't care about that shit, I love Molly. 132 00:08:57,136 --> 00:09:00,139 - No one is going to force you to do anything. 133 00:09:00,139 --> 00:09:03,175 Just don't screw it up for the rest of us. 134 00:09:03,175 --> 00:09:05,411 - Fine, let's get this over with. 135 00:09:05,411 --> 00:09:06,712 - Come on, you wean bag, what are you worried about? 136 00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:07,713 Seeing some tits? 137 00:09:07,713 --> 00:09:08,548 Come on! 138 00:09:14,921 --> 00:09:17,557 - What do you mother fuckers want? 139 00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:21,627 - [Bill] Is this Kalie and Leroy's place? 140 00:09:21,627 --> 00:09:25,031 - Bitch, do I look like Google Maps? 141 00:09:25,031 --> 00:09:26,732 I don't know. 142 00:09:26,732 --> 00:09:30,236 We came with that horny old bastard Lloyd. 143 00:09:33,639 --> 00:09:35,207 - Oh God, make him stop. 144 00:09:35,207 --> 00:09:37,009 Get him off, get him off. 145 00:09:37,009 --> 00:09:40,046 Make him stop, get him off. 146 00:09:40,046 --> 00:09:41,714 Spot, Spot! 147 00:09:41,714 --> 00:09:43,049 No, bad dog. 148 00:09:43,049 --> 00:09:44,650 (Spot barks) 149 00:09:44,650 --> 00:09:49,155 Now what has Mama told you about humping strangers? 150 00:09:49,155 --> 00:09:52,058 - Oh, it smells like he jizzed on your foot. 151 00:09:52,058 --> 00:09:53,826 (Spot whines) 152 00:09:53,826 --> 00:09:57,330 - Lady, what's up with your, uh, boyfriend? 153 00:09:57,330 --> 00:10:00,666 - And he's not my boyfriend, he's my dog. 154 00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:03,269 He was hit on the head when he was younger, 155 00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:06,105 so he actually thinks he is a dog. 156 00:10:07,773 --> 00:10:10,610 Aww, how can Mama stay mad at you? 157 00:10:11,911 --> 00:10:14,246 Oh, you're such a good boy. 158 00:10:14,246 --> 00:10:16,582 Yes you are, oh yes you are. 159 00:10:19,051 --> 00:10:21,253 - Uh, we'll be leaving now. 160 00:10:21,253 --> 00:10:25,324 We're sorry about interrupting whatever the hell this is. 161 00:10:25,324 --> 00:10:26,726 - Yeah, whatever. 162 00:10:28,027 --> 00:10:31,364 Come on boy, let's go back to the party. 163 00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:44,010 - I'd do her. 164 00:10:44,010 --> 00:10:46,512 - I told you we should have gone to Vegas, seeing hookers. 165 00:10:46,512 --> 00:10:47,413 - Whatever. 166 00:10:51,917 --> 00:10:52,752 - Ow! 167 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,054 - Victor, is that you? 168 00:10:55,054 --> 00:10:56,622 Jesus, it is you. 169 00:10:56,622 --> 00:10:58,190 - Hello, Kalie. 170 00:10:58,190 --> 00:10:59,625 - I see you still got these two degenerates 171 00:10:59,625 --> 00:11:01,160 dragging you around. 172 00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:04,497 - Hey, Kalie, long time no blow. 173 00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:05,998 - You. 174 00:11:05,998 --> 00:11:08,567 - Hey, I don't recognize you without a dick in your mouth. 175 00:11:08,567 --> 00:11:09,869 My dick. 176 00:11:09,869 --> 00:11:11,604 - Well, how's this for you? 177 00:11:11,604 --> 00:11:13,939 - Hey, Kalie, how you been? 178 00:11:13,939 --> 00:11:17,209 - Come on in, you guys, join the party. 179 00:11:19,011 --> 00:11:21,480 - I'd like to come in something. 180 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:23,949 - Well, you can't get herpes twice. 181 00:11:23,949 --> 00:11:25,418 - Guys, this is going to be a freak show. 182 00:11:25,418 --> 00:11:27,386 Let's just get out of here. 183 00:11:27,386 --> 00:11:30,690 - Why don't we get in there, and get some poon? 184 00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:31,957 - Victor, baby, 185 00:11:33,592 --> 00:11:34,760 live a little. 186 00:11:36,962 --> 00:11:38,164 Let's go find some. 187 00:11:38,164 --> 00:11:40,800 - Come on, get the fuck in there. 188 00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,939 (rock music) 189 00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:57,883 Great googly moogly. 190 00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:01,053 Look at those boobs. 191 00:12:02,154 --> 00:12:04,490 Those are sweet boobs. 192 00:12:04,490 --> 00:12:05,891 - Indeed they are, my friend. 193 00:12:05,891 --> 00:12:06,792 - I really like boobs. 194 00:12:06,792 --> 00:12:08,294 - Indeed they are. 195 00:12:17,503 --> 00:12:21,674 - (sniffs) I don't smell that bad, do I? 196 00:12:40,226 --> 00:12:42,027 - Well, Kalie, you certainly have 197 00:12:42,027 --> 00:12:44,897 a very diverse group of people here tonight. 198 00:12:44,897 --> 00:12:46,098 - Oh, absolutely. 199 00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:48,934 We were in, I love ethnic people. 200 00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:51,270 Well, come on, enjoy the party. 201 00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:53,072 - Hey, remember that time she blew us? 202 00:12:53,072 --> 00:12:56,242 - Indeed I do, my friend, indeed I do. 203 00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:03,849 (overlapping talking) 204 00:13:03,849 --> 00:13:04,683 - Spanks. 205 00:13:07,219 --> 00:13:09,789 (girl squeals) 206 00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:15,127 (overlapping talking) 207 00:13:22,501 --> 00:13:24,837 - I got a tinkler like Henry Winkler. 208 00:13:24,837 --> 00:13:25,671 E. 209 00:13:32,678 --> 00:13:35,047 - Hey dude, how's it hanging? 210 00:13:35,047 --> 00:13:36,215 - Baby pooped. 211 00:13:39,185 --> 00:13:42,254 - Ugh, now that you mention it, I fucking smell it. 212 00:13:42,254 --> 00:13:45,024 But you know what, it's nothing to be ashamed about. 213 00:13:45,024 --> 00:13:46,792 You know, one time my girlfriend and I 214 00:13:46,792 --> 00:13:48,994 went to go see Marky Mark, and we had these 215 00:13:48,994 --> 00:13:51,230 really fucking rancid tacos, 216 00:13:51,230 --> 00:13:54,066 and I had the apple squirts pretty fucking bad. 217 00:13:54,066 --> 00:13:56,635 So I went to check, and you know what? 218 00:13:56,635 --> 00:14:00,306 It was running off my fingers like a fucking waterfall. 219 00:14:00,306 --> 00:14:03,976 And Marky Mark himself comes down from the stage 220 00:14:03,976 --> 00:14:06,879 to give me a high fucking five. 221 00:14:06,879 --> 00:14:08,747 And let's just say, he wasn't having 222 00:14:08,747 --> 00:14:11,383 good vibrations after that. 223 00:14:11,383 --> 00:14:12,952 - Change me, daddy. 224 00:14:12,952 --> 00:14:14,153 - Whoa, whoa, whoa! 225 00:14:14,153 --> 00:14:15,621 I am not your fucking daddy, 226 00:14:15,621 --> 00:14:18,524 but I will beat you like a stepchild. 227 00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:19,592 (Tom yelps) 228 00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:20,459 Ow. 229 00:14:20,459 --> 00:14:21,727 You bitch baby. 230 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,763 - Bad man yell at baby. 231 00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:30,135 (rock music) 232 00:14:31,403 --> 00:14:34,039 - Holy shit, Dick Jizzler. 233 00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:35,808 What the hell are you doing here? 234 00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:38,344 I have all your movies, man. 235 00:14:38,344 --> 00:14:43,315 Charlie's Anals, Duffy the Poontang Slayer, Robo-cock. 236 00:14:43,315 --> 00:14:46,218 And my wife's all-time personal favorite, 237 00:14:46,218 --> 00:14:49,255 When Harry Met Sally and Came on Her Tits. 238 00:14:49,255 --> 00:14:51,123 - Yes, I like that one too. 239 00:14:51,123 --> 00:14:54,593 It allowed me to flex my acting muscles as well as my 240 00:14:54,593 --> 00:14:55,594 love muscle. 241 00:14:57,463 --> 00:15:02,167 - I would be honored if I could have your autograph, sir. 242 00:15:02,167 --> 00:15:05,504 - Kid, can't you see I'm busy with Yoko, here? 243 00:15:05,504 --> 00:15:07,573 - My name's Monica. 244 00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:09,742 - Don't ruin it, dim sung. 245 00:15:15,047 --> 00:15:17,616 (Monica farts) 246 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:42,675 Ah, jism. 247 00:15:44,410 --> 00:15:46,745 - Did you just snort wasabi? 248 00:15:48,047 --> 00:15:51,283 - When I eat Asian, I have a little wasabi. 249 00:15:51,283 --> 00:15:52,184 Want a hit? 250 00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:55,721 - That's, that's okay, maybe 251 00:15:55,721 --> 00:15:57,056 some other time. 252 00:16:00,426 --> 00:16:02,995 - Just kick back, put your feet up, and relax, Molly. 253 00:16:02,995 --> 00:16:05,230 That's what ladies' night is all about. 254 00:16:05,230 --> 00:16:06,031 - You know what? 255 00:16:06,031 --> 00:16:07,266 You guys are right. 256 00:16:07,266 --> 00:16:08,667 All that stress with the kids and work 257 00:16:08,667 --> 00:16:09,969 must be getting to me. 258 00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:11,570 Well, I say no more. 259 00:16:11,570 --> 00:16:13,572 No more stupid mother-in-laws telling me 260 00:16:13,572 --> 00:16:15,774 how to make tuna casserole, neurotic chihuahuas 261 00:16:15,774 --> 00:16:17,676 shitting in my favorite slippers, 262 00:16:17,676 --> 00:16:19,478 little hell spawn running me ragged 263 00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:21,580 or an oversexed husband trying to get me 264 00:16:21,580 --> 00:16:23,749 to dress up so we can play gladiator. 265 00:16:23,749 --> 00:16:26,251 Nope, on this day, I just want to drink 266 00:16:26,251 --> 00:16:29,154 fruity alcoholic beverages, paint each others toenails, 267 00:16:29,154 --> 00:16:32,291 and talk about boys, just like in high school. 268 00:16:32,291 --> 00:16:33,792 - Yay, Molly! 269 00:16:33,792 --> 00:16:36,762 Except, I really don't want to bang Kirk Cameron anymore. 270 00:16:36,762 --> 00:16:39,965 He got like uber-creepy when he found Jesus. 271 00:16:39,965 --> 00:16:41,033 - Well, hey there girl, why don't you 272 00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:42,501 come give daddy some sugar? 273 00:16:42,501 --> 00:16:44,169 - Baby, you're back! 274 00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:48,540 I didn't think they'd let you til October. 275 00:16:53,812 --> 00:16:54,713 - Ah, shit. 276 00:16:57,282 --> 00:16:58,550 They got bigger fish to fry 277 00:16:58,550 --> 00:17:00,552 than sticking it to the old Slade train. 278 00:17:00,552 --> 00:17:02,988 Besides, I just roughed him up a little bit. 279 00:17:02,988 --> 00:17:04,223 - A little? 280 00:17:04,223 --> 00:17:08,027 Babe, you cracked a pool stick over his head. 281 00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:10,662 - Now, in my defense, he invaded my personal bubble. 282 00:17:10,662 --> 00:17:13,098 I was just defending myself. 283 00:17:13,098 --> 00:17:16,001 - But did protecting yourself really merit you 284 00:17:16,001 --> 00:17:19,538 taking a Corona bottle, shoving it up his ass, 285 00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:21,740 parading him around the whole bar, 286 00:17:21,740 --> 00:17:26,078 and saying, "Hey everybody look, its Sissy McPussypants." 287 00:17:26,078 --> 00:17:30,049 - Abso-fucking-lutely, 100% necessary, darling. 288 00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:32,985 Don't take shit from no one, that's my motto. 289 00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:35,888 - Slade, did you happen to see anything 290 00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,723 strange on your way here? 291 00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:39,258 - Strange like what? 292 00:17:39,258 --> 00:17:42,795 - Oh, I don't know, like anything out of the ordinary. 293 00:17:42,795 --> 00:17:44,530 - Molly thinks she saw some zombies 294 00:17:44,530 --> 00:17:46,965 chasing after some woman. 295 00:17:46,965 --> 00:17:47,900 - Say what? 296 00:17:48,934 --> 00:17:51,003 That's fucking sweet. 297 00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:53,005 Wait, did you just say chasing? 298 00:17:53,005 --> 00:17:55,607 God damn it, I hate that shit. 299 00:17:55,607 --> 00:17:59,211 Give me old school Romero shamblers any day of the week. 300 00:17:59,211 --> 00:18:01,713 - Well, not running exactly, 301 00:18:01,713 --> 00:18:04,116 more like aggressive speed walking. 302 00:18:04,116 --> 00:18:06,885 - Anyway, running zombies are for queers. 303 00:18:06,885 --> 00:18:09,121 No, I didn't see anything out of the ordinary. 304 00:18:09,121 --> 00:18:12,324 I think you ladies been hitting the bottle too hard tonight. 305 00:18:12,324 --> 00:18:15,527 - Yes I, I suppose that's it. 306 00:18:15,527 --> 00:18:17,696 - Well, ladies, I hate to drop a sausage bomb 307 00:18:17,696 --> 00:18:19,998 on your estrogen parade, but uh, 308 00:18:19,998 --> 00:18:24,269 my little lady's kitten is purring, if you know what I mean. 309 00:18:24,269 --> 00:18:26,505 So I'ma take her upstairs, 310 00:18:26,505 --> 00:18:28,040 'bout 20 minutes, 311 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,042 then we'll come back down and watch us The Notebook 312 00:18:30,042 --> 00:18:31,743 and have us all a good cry. 313 00:18:31,743 --> 00:18:33,779 - Well, shit babe, let me grab that corn dog 314 00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:36,181 and I'll be right behind you. 315 00:18:36,181 --> 00:18:39,852 - Well, in that case, we'll be five minutes. 316 00:18:42,688 --> 00:18:44,556 - Please don't ruin my good sheets, 317 00:18:44,556 --> 00:18:47,693 just use the children's room. 318 00:18:47,693 --> 00:18:48,927 - Aw, shit. 319 00:18:48,927 --> 00:18:50,395 How am I suppose to get my pecker hard 320 00:18:50,395 --> 00:18:53,532 looking at Twilight posters and Barbie dolls? 321 00:18:53,532 --> 00:18:55,200 - Baby, you could get your pecker hard 322 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,903 watching Clint Howard take a sponge bath. 323 00:18:57,903 --> 00:18:59,838 - Now, I will not have you speaking ill of him, 324 00:18:59,838 --> 00:19:02,875 that man is a goddamn national treasure. 325 00:19:02,875 --> 00:19:07,179 I don't think I want to unleash the kraken on you now. 326 00:19:07,179 --> 00:19:09,014 - I'm sorry, daddy. 327 00:19:09,014 --> 00:19:11,083 I think I need a spanking. 328 00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:12,317 - Oh, you're going to get it 329 00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:14,820 for talking shit about the master. 330 00:19:20,759 --> 00:19:23,262 (tense music) 331 00:19:33,305 --> 00:19:34,840 - Megan dear, do you happen to know 332 00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:37,776 if Stacy has been over at the house at all recently? 333 00:19:37,776 --> 00:19:39,611 - I don't know, Jenny, I've been keeping busy 334 00:19:39,611 --> 00:19:42,714 with my Zuma classes, so I haven't been home much. 335 00:19:42,714 --> 00:19:44,750 Why are you asking? 336 00:19:44,750 --> 00:19:45,951 - Oh, I was just curious to know 337 00:19:45,951 --> 00:19:47,886 if she'd come over to hang out with you. 338 00:19:47,886 --> 00:19:49,087 - Uh, yeah right, Jenny, 339 00:19:49,087 --> 00:19:51,890 'cause Stacy and I have always been BFFs. 340 00:19:51,890 --> 00:19:53,325 - Well, I just thought that maybe 341 00:19:53,325 --> 00:19:55,694 she'd come over to hang out. 342 00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:58,330 - Like, what would we even do together? 343 00:19:58,330 --> 00:20:01,900 Go mudding and watch those icky hobos on Duck Dynasty? 344 00:20:01,900 --> 00:20:04,269 - I suppose you wouldn't. 345 00:20:04,269 --> 00:20:07,873 - OMG, you think he's cheating, don't you? 346 00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:09,107 - Hey, I didn't say that. 347 00:20:09,107 --> 00:20:11,443 - No, but you're obviously thinking it. 348 00:20:11,443 --> 00:20:12,978 And with Stacy? 349 00:20:12,978 --> 00:20:15,414 Hello, ew, she's like Larry the Cable Guy with a vagina. 350 00:20:15,414 --> 00:20:16,949 - Well, 351 00:20:16,949 --> 00:20:17,883 I just found this. 352 00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:19,384 This is Bill's business card. 353 00:20:19,384 --> 00:20:21,486 It fell out of Stacy's pocket. 354 00:20:21,486 --> 00:20:24,423 She dropped it on the step. 355 00:20:24,423 --> 00:20:25,624 - That's all? 356 00:20:25,624 --> 00:20:27,726 - Look, I know that sounds odd, 357 00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:30,395 but it's got Bill's personal cellphone number on it, 358 00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:32,130 and he never gives it out to anyone. 359 00:20:32,130 --> 00:20:34,633 He doesn't even let me use it. 360 00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:40,072 My God, he's cheating on me (crying). 361 00:20:42,207 --> 00:20:44,610 (rock music) 362 00:20:47,312 --> 00:20:50,249 - One hundred percent all beef. 363 00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:52,584 - Oh, naughty explorer, you. 364 00:20:53,418 --> 00:20:56,188 (toilet flushes) 365 00:20:59,825 --> 00:21:01,326 - Damn enchiladas. 366 00:21:02,361 --> 00:21:03,195 Whew. 367 00:21:05,130 --> 00:21:06,765 So, what did I miss? 368 00:21:08,166 --> 00:21:10,802 - Oh my God, Molly, Jenny thinks Bill and Stacy 369 00:21:10,802 --> 00:21:12,537 are having an affair. 370 00:21:13,839 --> 00:21:16,341 (Jenny cries) 371 00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:19,878 - Jenny, why would you think a thing like that? 372 00:21:19,878 --> 00:21:21,079 Just because we met through our husbands 373 00:21:21,079 --> 00:21:22,547 doesn't mean we're not friends. 374 00:21:22,547 --> 00:21:25,250 Stacy would never do something like that. 375 00:21:25,250 --> 00:21:26,518 - I agree. 376 00:21:26,518 --> 00:21:28,553 I mean, Stacy is one skanky ass slam pig, 377 00:21:28,553 --> 00:21:30,188 but she wouldn't fuck Bill. 378 00:21:30,188 --> 00:21:31,390 - That bastard, I can't believe 379 00:21:31,390 --> 00:21:33,959 he did this to me and the kids. 380 00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:35,761 - So what if she had his business card? 381 00:21:35,761 --> 00:21:38,196 Maybe she was just seeking legal advice. 382 00:21:38,196 --> 00:21:39,665 - Yeah, right. 383 00:21:39,665 --> 00:21:42,334 He advised her right out of those ratty ass panties. 384 00:21:42,334 --> 00:21:43,435 - Really? 385 00:21:43,435 --> 00:21:45,504 Megan, she's your sister. 386 00:21:45,504 --> 00:21:48,373 - Well, excuse me for speaking the truth. 387 00:21:48,373 --> 00:21:50,575 - Just wait til Stacy comes down, 388 00:21:50,575 --> 00:21:52,644 and we'll all talk it out. 389 00:21:52,644 --> 00:21:55,180 - After she finishes going down, you mean. 390 00:21:55,180 --> 00:21:57,349 (Jenny cries) 391 00:21:57,349 --> 00:22:00,552 - Slap my ass and call me Tom Selleck. 392 00:22:00,552 --> 00:22:01,386 Ooh. 393 00:22:01,386 --> 00:22:03,889 (Stacy moans) 394 00:22:10,696 --> 00:22:13,432 (woman coughing) 395 00:22:15,901 --> 00:22:18,170 - [Man] What the fuck, honky bitch? 396 00:22:18,170 --> 00:22:20,072 - I can't believe the kinky fuck bit me. 397 00:22:20,072 --> 00:22:22,708 - Oh, so it's not period blood. 398 00:22:22,708 --> 00:22:25,644 (woman coughing) 399 00:22:25,644 --> 00:22:28,647 (death metal music) 400 00:23:02,447 --> 00:23:03,382 - Ah, shit. 401 00:23:07,185 --> 00:23:08,987 Aw, what the fuck? 402 00:23:08,987 --> 00:23:10,489 (man screams) 403 00:23:10,489 --> 00:23:11,323 - Asshole. 404 00:23:14,926 --> 00:23:16,361 - I'll take that. 405 00:23:21,166 --> 00:23:22,267 Fucking bear. 406 00:23:24,970 --> 00:23:27,973 - What'd that bear ever do to you? 407 00:23:27,973 --> 00:23:29,307 - I don't like bears, okay? 408 00:23:29,307 --> 00:23:30,942 - Bears are manly. 409 00:23:30,942 --> 00:23:34,045 - Nicolai, bad man yell at me. 410 00:23:34,045 --> 00:23:35,981 - This party's different for sure, 411 00:23:35,981 --> 00:23:37,816 but it's also kind of awesome. 412 00:23:37,816 --> 00:23:39,751 You know who I just ran into? 413 00:23:39,751 --> 00:23:40,819 Dick Jizzler. 414 00:23:41,787 --> 00:23:43,488 - The Fantastic Whore? 415 00:23:43,488 --> 00:23:45,724 Rise of the Silver Squirter? 416 00:23:45,724 --> 00:23:48,360 That very same Dick Jizzler? 417 00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:49,694 - The very one. 418 00:23:49,694 --> 00:23:52,164 He was sitting right on this couch. 419 00:23:52,164 --> 00:23:55,200 - Man, I always wanted to be like that guy when I grew up. 420 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:58,170 - We all did, my friend, we all did. 421 00:23:58,170 --> 00:23:59,438 - Oh (farts). 422 00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:01,640 Fuck, what was in that crab dip? 423 00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:05,310 Uh, oh God, I hope it's not the Marky Mark incident again. 424 00:24:05,310 --> 00:24:06,945 Where's the shitter? 425 00:24:08,713 --> 00:24:11,650 (mysterious music) 426 00:24:26,765 --> 00:24:28,600 (Tom farts) 427 00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:30,802 Well, this isn't the shitter. 428 00:24:30,802 --> 00:24:32,404 Well, hello ladies. 429 00:24:35,106 --> 00:24:37,042 What are your names? 430 00:24:37,042 --> 00:24:38,176 - I'm Inga. 431 00:24:38,176 --> 00:24:39,211 - I'm Ilsa. 432 00:24:39,211 --> 00:24:41,580 - [Both] We're sisters. 433 00:24:41,580 --> 00:24:42,914 - Are you now? 434 00:24:42,914 --> 00:24:45,417 How very West Virginia of you. 435 00:24:48,153 --> 00:24:49,821 - [Both] Vhat? 436 00:24:49,821 --> 00:24:51,056 - Nevermind. 437 00:24:51,056 --> 00:24:52,824 Please, continue. 438 00:24:52,824 --> 00:24:54,059 Kissing. 439 00:24:54,059 --> 00:24:56,928 - [Both] We will give you the pleasure. 440 00:24:56,928 --> 00:24:59,231 - Tonight I'm ordering off the take-out menu, 441 00:24:59,231 --> 00:25:01,566 'cause I'm about to eat out. 442 00:25:03,568 --> 00:25:05,604 - Gentlemen, I have a certain blast from the past 443 00:25:05,604 --> 00:25:07,405 that would like to say hello. 444 00:25:07,405 --> 00:25:09,975 - Holy shit, number 27 himself. 445 00:25:11,109 --> 00:25:12,444 - Hey boys. 446 00:25:12,444 --> 00:25:14,179 - How the hell have you been, man? 447 00:25:14,179 --> 00:25:15,947 - You know me, I've been keeping busy. 448 00:25:15,947 --> 00:25:18,250 - Last time I saw you was at the, uh, 449 00:25:18,250 --> 00:25:20,085 big championship game. 450 00:25:21,386 --> 00:25:23,488 Oh, dude, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to 451 00:25:23,488 --> 00:25:25,290 bring up any bad memories. 452 00:25:25,290 --> 00:25:26,791 - No no no, I'm not offended. 453 00:25:26,791 --> 00:25:28,560 In fact, if it wasn't for that little incident, 454 00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:30,562 I never would have married my little angel here. 455 00:25:30,562 --> 00:25:32,163 - Aw, baby. 456 00:25:32,163 --> 00:25:34,933 You have such sweet pillow talk. 457 00:25:34,933 --> 00:25:36,868 I can't wait to ride your face later. 458 00:25:36,868 --> 00:25:38,603 - Mm, I'm going to blow that pussy up 459 00:25:38,603 --> 00:25:41,973 like a Taco Bell shitter on two for one night. 460 00:25:41,973 --> 00:25:43,508 - It was certainly great catching up with y'all, 461 00:25:43,508 --> 00:25:46,611 but we really ought to be leaving now. 462 00:25:46,611 --> 00:25:50,782 - Victor, what the hell are you doing, we just got here. 463 00:25:52,017 --> 00:25:53,118 - Look look. 464 00:25:53,118 --> 00:25:54,452 I got handcuffs. 465 00:25:55,820 --> 00:25:57,489 - Whoa, hey, whoa. 466 00:25:57,489 --> 00:25:58,723 - Lay down. 467 00:25:58,723 --> 00:25:59,824 - I usually got to pay extra for this. 468 00:25:59,824 --> 00:26:00,926 - Right here, Inga. 469 00:26:00,926 --> 00:26:02,193 - What, hey. 470 00:26:02,193 --> 00:26:03,695 - It doesn't hurt if you hold still. 471 00:26:03,695 --> 00:26:04,996 - Ow, you cunt. 472 00:26:04,996 --> 00:26:07,666 Ow, you can't close me like a suitcase. 473 00:26:07,666 --> 00:26:09,301 - Yes, we can. 474 00:26:09,301 --> 00:26:10,135 - We will. 475 00:26:11,636 --> 00:26:12,637 - The dick? 476 00:26:12,637 --> 00:26:14,873 - Oh, I will get. 477 00:26:14,873 --> 00:26:15,941 - The dick? 478 00:26:15,941 --> 00:26:16,741 What dick? 479 00:26:21,046 --> 00:26:22,881 Oh my Goooooooooooood! 480 00:26:29,421 --> 00:26:32,157 Whoa, what, hey, I'm an exit only kind of guy. 481 00:26:32,157 --> 00:26:34,225 I will cunt punch both of you. 482 00:26:34,225 --> 00:26:36,361 Get that thing away from my butt hole. 483 00:26:36,361 --> 00:26:39,664 No, not my (yelps). 484 00:26:39,664 --> 00:26:40,966 Oh, hey, wha ... 485 00:26:42,133 --> 00:26:42,968 Ooh. 486 00:26:44,569 --> 00:26:48,039 (death metal music) 487 00:26:48,039 --> 00:26:51,610 - Ilsa, no (screams). 488 00:26:51,610 --> 00:26:53,478 (Ilsa screams) 489 00:26:53,478 --> 00:26:54,679 - Oh, my tit. 490 00:26:54,679 --> 00:26:56,047 (Ilsa screaming) 491 00:26:56,047 --> 00:26:58,483 (indistinct) 492 00:27:00,085 --> 00:27:03,121 - Oh, what a waste of great tits. 493 00:27:03,121 --> 00:27:04,289 - Oh, uh, die. 494 00:27:09,227 --> 00:27:11,062 - Yeah, kick his ass, that's what you get for 495 00:27:11,062 --> 00:27:13,965 not letting me come come, you dick. 496 00:27:17,602 --> 00:27:19,004 - Hello, brothers and sisters, 497 00:27:19,004 --> 00:27:21,306 this is Reverend Nathan Ashbury of The Divinity Church, 498 00:27:21,306 --> 00:27:23,742 and I have a question for you. 499 00:27:23,742 --> 00:27:27,178 Why are you so shocked the dead are returning? 500 00:27:27,178 --> 00:27:31,082 Why are you so shocked they are devouring the living? 501 00:27:31,082 --> 00:27:33,318 You were warned about this. 502 00:27:33,318 --> 00:27:37,422 It's right here, right in the Good Book in black and white. 503 00:27:37,422 --> 00:27:41,226 This is because of your sinful lifestyle, 504 00:27:41,226 --> 00:27:43,395 your premarital relations. 505 00:27:44,562 --> 00:27:48,400 You promoted and embrace same-sex marriage. 506 00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:52,971 You've desecrated your bodies with tattoos and piercings. 507 00:27:52,971 --> 00:27:56,775 You have no care for your fellow man. 508 00:27:56,775 --> 00:27:59,377 And now, God is cleaning house. 509 00:28:00,278 --> 00:28:02,580 This is a mighty purge. 510 00:28:02,580 --> 00:28:05,116 The seven seals have all been opened. 511 00:28:05,116 --> 00:28:09,120 All seven trumpeteers can be heard in the distance. 512 00:28:09,120 --> 00:28:12,724 And that sound is getting louder and louder. 513 00:28:12,724 --> 00:28:13,958 Repent. 514 00:28:13,958 --> 00:28:17,562 Repent for your sins before it is too late. 515 00:28:17,562 --> 00:28:20,231 Jesus loves you, and I love you. 516 00:28:21,332 --> 00:28:23,468 Again, this is the Reverend Nathan Ashbury 517 00:28:23,468 --> 00:28:24,803 of The Divinity Church. 518 00:28:24,803 --> 00:28:26,538 Please join us every Wednesday and Sunday 519 00:28:26,538 --> 00:28:29,040 on channel 83, cable 12. 520 00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:30,542 Christ be with you. 521 00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:31,676 Be safe, 522 00:28:31,676 --> 00:28:33,344 and have a good day. 523 00:28:35,113 --> 00:28:37,382 - Yeah, hop aboard the old Slade train. 524 00:28:37,382 --> 00:28:38,483 Whoo, whoo! 525 00:28:38,483 --> 00:28:39,651 - Oh, yeah. 526 00:28:39,651 --> 00:28:40,485 Oh. 527 00:28:40,485 --> 00:28:42,420 Oh, fuck my monkeypuss. 528 00:28:43,321 --> 00:28:44,222 - Oh, yeah. 529 00:28:46,424 --> 00:28:49,861 The Sladenator's going to tear through your baleen. 530 00:28:49,861 --> 00:28:52,363 (Stacy moans) 531 00:28:53,465 --> 00:28:55,867 - Oh, di-di-di-di-di-dig-suh. 532 00:28:58,970 --> 00:29:01,473 (Stacy yells) 533 00:29:04,576 --> 00:29:06,911 - Oh, baby, that was amazing. 534 00:29:09,280 --> 00:29:13,952 - Man, I haven't been fucked like that in four months. 535 00:29:13,952 --> 00:29:17,388 - But, you went to prison six months ago. 536 00:29:18,456 --> 00:29:19,390 - Uh, yeah. 537 00:29:20,458 --> 00:29:21,993 That's what I said. 538 00:29:21,993 --> 00:29:25,930 I haven't been fucked like that in six months. 539 00:29:25,930 --> 00:29:27,699 And look, monkeypuss. 540 00:29:33,538 --> 00:29:36,241 - Ha, I came twice actually. 541 00:29:36,241 --> 00:29:40,411 So, um, what are you bitches gossiping about behind my back? 542 00:29:45,950 --> 00:29:47,452 Oh, it's on, bitch. 543 00:29:47,452 --> 00:29:51,823 I'm going to shove my foot up your goody-two-shoes twat. 544 00:29:51,823 --> 00:29:54,259 (rock music) 545 00:29:57,028 --> 00:29:59,964 Don't pull my hair, you fucking pussy. 546 00:29:59,964 --> 00:30:02,400 (indistinct) 547 00:30:04,002 --> 00:30:07,539 - What's all this finger banging? 548 00:30:07,539 --> 00:30:10,275 (women grunting) 549 00:30:16,848 --> 00:30:19,918 - You screwed my husband, you whore. 550 00:30:19,918 --> 00:30:22,187 - Oh, Molly, you want some? 551 00:30:23,188 --> 00:30:26,291 - Clint Howard in Carnosaur. 552 00:30:26,291 --> 00:30:28,793 (porno music) 553 00:30:45,543 --> 00:30:49,881 Yeah, Clint Howard in Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 and 5. 554 00:30:49,881 --> 00:30:52,383 (porno music) 555 00:31:05,730 --> 00:31:08,166 Clint Howard in Leprechaun 2. 556 00:31:09,834 --> 00:31:11,836 - Slade, you've got to help me break them up. 557 00:31:11,836 --> 00:31:13,504 Slade, snap out of it. 558 00:31:13,504 --> 00:31:15,073 Help me before someone gets hurt. 559 00:31:15,073 --> 00:31:17,642 (Slade chokes) 560 00:31:21,145 --> 00:31:22,714 - Baby. 561 00:31:22,714 --> 00:31:24,148 Stop, stop, stop. 562 00:31:32,657 --> 00:31:35,159 God, stop it, stop it. 563 00:31:35,159 --> 00:31:37,495 Damn, baby, why y'all fighting now? 564 00:31:37,495 --> 00:31:39,464 - She started it. 565 00:31:39,464 --> 00:31:41,966 - You screwed my husband, you whore. 566 00:31:41,966 --> 00:31:43,334 - Are you kidding me? 567 00:31:43,334 --> 00:31:46,471 Bill's like the biggest asshole on this planet. 568 00:31:46,471 --> 00:31:48,706 I wouldn't touch him with a stolen pussy. 569 00:31:48,706 --> 00:31:50,775 - Then why did I find this. 570 00:31:50,775 --> 00:31:52,510 It fell out of your back pocket. 571 00:31:52,510 --> 00:31:54,879 Bill never gives out his personal cellphone number, 572 00:31:54,879 --> 00:31:57,148 not even to his own mother. 573 00:32:02,186 --> 00:32:04,188 - Oh my God, guys, what time is it? 574 00:32:04,188 --> 00:32:06,891 You're making me miss my stories. 575 00:32:07,992 --> 00:32:09,527 In this one, Hector finds out that 576 00:32:09,527 --> 00:32:12,330 Maria's been cheating on him with his twin brother Jorge, 577 00:32:12,330 --> 00:32:14,832 who's part of the cartel, and we also find out 578 00:32:14,832 --> 00:32:17,068 who ate the quesadilla. 579 00:32:17,068 --> 00:32:17,902 Dios mio. 580 00:32:19,370 --> 00:32:22,674 - We interrupt this program to bring you a special bulletin. 581 00:32:22,674 --> 00:32:25,143 There are bloodthirsty and violent ghouls 582 00:32:25,143 --> 00:32:28,346 all over the area of Martinsburg. 583 00:32:28,346 --> 00:32:29,847 Stay in your homes. 584 00:32:29,847 --> 00:32:32,884 I repeat, stay in your homes or in your offices. 585 00:32:32,884 --> 00:32:34,585 Do not attempt to talk to them. 586 00:32:34,585 --> 00:32:36,654 Do not have sexual relations. 587 00:32:36,654 --> 00:32:40,358 Their saliva, their semen, their vaginal secretions 588 00:32:40,358 --> 00:32:42,460 can infect you permanently. 589 00:32:42,460 --> 00:32:43,828 It's worse than Ebola. 590 00:32:43,828 --> 00:32:45,263 You must stay inside. 591 00:32:45,263 --> 00:32:48,866 Do not let any of these ghouls come anywhere near you. 592 00:32:48,866 --> 00:32:51,536 Even the CDC, I don't know what that stands for, 593 00:32:51,536 --> 00:32:54,739 but even they in Atlanta have failed miserably. 594 00:32:54,739 --> 00:32:57,308 We now take you to Washington D.C., 595 00:32:57,308 --> 00:33:01,512 to the President of the United States of America. 596 00:33:01,512 --> 00:33:03,047 - What the hell's this shit? 597 00:33:03,047 --> 00:33:06,217 Nobody every interrupts Mickin Stories. 598 00:33:07,652 --> 00:33:11,255 What the hell, it's on every fucking channel. 599 00:33:11,255 --> 00:33:12,090 Ugh. 600 00:33:14,292 --> 00:33:16,494 - My fellow Americans, 601 00:33:16,494 --> 00:33:18,830 today has become a reality 602 00:33:18,830 --> 00:33:22,834 for things that were once thought to be impossible. 603 00:33:22,834 --> 00:33:26,004 We have a new enemy on the home front. 604 00:33:26,004 --> 00:33:29,140 This enemy is ruthless, cruel, 605 00:33:29,140 --> 00:33:32,176 deadly, and non-discriminatory. 606 00:33:32,176 --> 00:33:35,346 It can and will attack both male and female, 607 00:33:35,346 --> 00:33:39,450 young or old, as well as our four-legged friends. 608 00:33:41,386 --> 00:33:44,222 This enemy is known as the undead. 609 00:33:45,423 --> 00:33:48,426 It can mask itself as close friends, 610 00:33:49,327 --> 00:33:51,329 relatives, or even pets. 611 00:33:52,830 --> 00:33:54,932 There are specific signs to look for 612 00:33:54,932 --> 00:33:58,503 in identifying this enemy, but simply put, 613 00:33:58,503 --> 00:34:02,573 it is anything that is dead, but is still moving. 614 00:34:03,941 --> 00:34:06,711 If you should encounter this enemy, 615 00:34:06,711 --> 00:34:09,881 do not run or hide, but instead fight. 616 00:34:10,915 --> 00:34:13,217 Fight for your right to survive, 617 00:34:13,217 --> 00:34:16,254 just as our forefathers have done. 618 00:34:16,254 --> 00:34:20,024 For that is the only way to defend yourself 619 00:34:20,024 --> 00:34:21,692 against this threat. 620 00:34:23,261 --> 00:34:26,164 Use any means possible to restrain, 621 00:34:27,832 --> 00:34:29,767 decapitate, and destroy 622 00:34:30,868 --> 00:34:32,103 the host brain. 623 00:34:34,605 --> 00:34:35,440 Today, 624 00:34:37,075 --> 00:34:40,845 you as the fighters and gallant warriors 625 00:34:40,845 --> 00:34:43,548 defending this great nation 626 00:34:43,548 --> 00:34:47,452 are writing a new chapter in the history books. 627 00:34:49,253 --> 00:34:51,823 God be with you, your families, 628 00:34:53,091 --> 00:34:56,761 and the citizens of this great nation. 629 00:34:56,761 --> 00:35:00,932 Thank you, and God bless these United States of America. 630 00:35:03,167 --> 00:35:05,903 - This is Mel Brooks signing off for Channel 4. 631 00:35:05,903 --> 00:35:07,972 I'll be in my elitist, exclusive, 632 00:35:07,972 --> 00:35:11,576 very expensive bomb shelter if anybody's looking for me, 633 00:35:11,576 --> 00:35:13,878 but don't come in unless you've got a lot of money, 634 00:35:13,878 --> 00:35:15,913 or you're a hot non-male. 635 00:35:15,913 --> 00:35:17,215 Or a hot male. 636 00:35:17,215 --> 00:35:18,716 Thank you. 637 00:35:18,716 --> 00:35:21,018 - See guys, I told you, I fucking know what I saw. 638 00:35:21,018 --> 00:35:22,220 And I'm not crazy. 639 00:35:22,220 --> 00:35:23,921 But I did get in your stash. 640 00:35:23,921 --> 00:35:25,857 But I'm not crazy. 641 00:35:25,857 --> 00:35:27,325 - No way. 642 00:35:27,325 --> 00:35:31,162 They're probably like neo-Nazis on bath salts or something. 643 00:35:31,162 --> 00:35:32,296 - Whatever those things are, 644 00:35:32,296 --> 00:35:33,564 we need to board up the windows 645 00:35:33,564 --> 00:35:35,233 and secure the doors before they get in. 646 00:35:35,233 --> 00:35:37,635 Stacy, you go get me nails and a hammer from the garage 647 00:35:37,635 --> 00:35:39,337 and see if Bill has any plywood in there. 648 00:35:39,337 --> 00:35:42,473 Jenny, do you know if Bill has a gun in the house? 649 00:35:42,473 --> 00:35:44,675 - I don't know, maybe somewhere in the study. 650 00:35:44,675 --> 00:35:45,943 Maybe. 651 00:35:45,943 --> 00:35:47,078 - Jenny, seriously, how do you not know 652 00:35:47,078 --> 00:35:48,913 if your husband has a firearm? 653 00:35:48,913 --> 00:35:50,681 - Jeez, Molly, when did you become such 654 00:35:50,681 --> 00:35:52,683 Miss Know-it-all about guns? 655 00:35:52,683 --> 00:35:54,318 - Damn it, Jenny, think. 656 00:35:54,318 --> 00:35:56,387 Have you ever seen Bill with a gun? 657 00:35:56,387 --> 00:35:58,322 - Don't you ever raise your voice at me, Molly. 658 00:35:58,322 --> 00:35:59,891 Do you understand, little girl? 659 00:35:59,891 --> 00:36:01,792 - Look, princess, in about five minutes 660 00:36:01,792 --> 00:36:03,528 those things are going to break in here 661 00:36:03,528 --> 00:36:06,197 and paint your pretty Persian rugs red with your blood. 662 00:36:06,197 --> 00:36:08,232 So, unless you have something useful to say, 663 00:36:08,232 --> 00:36:11,502 shut your mouth and stay out of my way. 664 00:36:15,406 --> 00:36:16,874 I guess that means you're done now? 665 00:36:16,874 --> 00:36:19,076 Good, now go me some knives or something we can use 666 00:36:19,076 --> 00:36:20,511 as weapons since you don't know 667 00:36:20,511 --> 00:36:23,447 if there's a gun in your own house. 668 00:36:25,082 --> 00:36:27,485 - Would you get a move on, boy. 669 00:36:27,485 --> 00:36:32,056 I swear to God you are slower than snail snot. 670 00:36:32,056 --> 00:36:33,191 Ain't nothing like being out 671 00:36:33,191 --> 00:36:36,027 in the great outdoors, huh Dolph? 672 00:36:36,027 --> 00:36:38,329 Smell of pine trees. 673 00:36:38,329 --> 00:36:41,766 Fresh unspoiled air blowing through your hair. 674 00:36:41,766 --> 00:36:44,368 And my number one nephew here to enjoy it all with me. 675 00:36:44,368 --> 00:36:46,504 I'm telling you, man, nothing beats this. 676 00:36:46,504 --> 00:36:48,105 - Honestly, Uncle Walt, all I'm getting 677 00:36:48,105 --> 00:36:49,740 out of this nature walk is just 678 00:36:49,740 --> 00:36:54,545 the smell of deer shit and the mosquitoes biting my ass. 679 00:36:54,545 --> 00:36:56,013 And look, it's hot as balls, man. 680 00:36:56,013 --> 00:36:57,481 Come on, I got armpit sweat. 681 00:36:57,481 --> 00:37:00,318 - Man, where is your sense of adventure, boy? 682 00:37:00,318 --> 00:37:02,687 Hell, my father and his father before him, 683 00:37:02,687 --> 00:37:05,022 they used to live off of this land completely. 684 00:37:05,022 --> 00:37:06,691 They used to hunt their own food, 685 00:37:06,691 --> 00:37:08,259 they used to build their homes. 686 00:37:08,259 --> 00:37:09,794 Hell, when they wanted to entertain themselves, 687 00:37:09,794 --> 00:37:11,162 they would just sit around 688 00:37:11,162 --> 00:37:13,965 and tell good old-fashioned campfire stories. 689 00:37:13,965 --> 00:37:16,167 - That's cool, but um, I'd rather be on a beach. 690 00:37:16,167 --> 00:37:17,868 This is the 21st century, come on. 691 00:37:17,868 --> 00:37:19,270 I want to see babes in bikinis. 692 00:37:19,270 --> 00:37:20,905 - Son, how many times do I got to tell you, 693 00:37:20,905 --> 00:37:24,742 the beach is for those uppity butt-tards from the city. 694 00:37:24,742 --> 00:37:26,777 I went to the beach once, and this uh 695 00:37:26,777 --> 00:37:29,046 deep-fried tanned twat had the nerve 696 00:37:29,046 --> 00:37:31,349 to try to tell me I couldn't hunt there. 697 00:37:31,349 --> 00:37:33,184 - You know Aunt Beatrice told me what happened, right? 698 00:37:33,184 --> 00:37:36,220 That was not the beach, man, that was Sea World. 699 00:37:36,220 --> 00:37:38,489 - The same goddamn thing, boy. 700 00:37:38,489 --> 00:37:40,758 I still can't believe they called the law on me. 701 00:37:40,758 --> 00:37:41,993 - It's Sea World! 702 00:37:41,993 --> 00:37:44,195 You shot a dolphin, a trained dolphin! 703 00:37:44,195 --> 00:37:45,630 - Because that shifty fuck was coming up 704 00:37:45,630 --> 00:37:48,966 out of the water at me, trying to Pearl Harbor my ass. 705 00:37:48,966 --> 00:37:51,068 - That's part of the act, you know that. 706 00:37:51,068 --> 00:37:52,803 Like, it's supposed to jump through a hoop, 707 00:37:52,803 --> 00:37:55,339 and you shot it in the face, brains splattered 708 00:37:55,339 --> 00:37:58,609 all over the special-ed kids sitting in the front, man. 709 00:37:58,609 --> 00:38:00,544 - (laughs) You're goddamn right I did. 710 00:38:00,544 --> 00:38:03,314 I blew Flipper straight to fishy hell. 711 00:38:03,314 --> 00:38:05,283 Alright look, enough of all this, that's beside the point. 712 00:38:05,283 --> 00:38:06,517 We gotta get going, get to the crick 713 00:38:06,517 --> 00:38:09,220 before it gets too late. 714 00:38:09,220 --> 00:38:11,889 (relaxed music) 715 00:38:17,361 --> 00:38:20,898 - Holy shit, Uncle Walt, I can see her cooter. 716 00:38:20,898 --> 00:38:22,366 Oh, this is the best vacation ever. 717 00:38:22,366 --> 00:38:24,468 This is better than Hooters. 718 00:38:24,468 --> 00:38:26,337 - What'd I tell you, boy? 719 00:38:26,337 --> 00:38:31,075 That there is Bear Beaver, nymph goddess of the crick. 720 00:38:31,075 --> 00:38:33,678 - Oh my God, I love you Uncle Walt. 721 00:38:33,678 --> 00:38:36,580 Look at her, man, those titties, their so good. 722 00:38:36,580 --> 00:38:38,416 - You know, I love you too, boy. 723 00:38:38,416 --> 00:38:39,850 I really hope this makes up for the fact 724 00:38:39,850 --> 00:38:41,986 that your parents named you Dolph. 725 00:38:41,986 --> 00:38:43,688 - Why'd you have to mention that, man? 726 00:38:43,688 --> 00:38:45,956 These, these kids would punch me in the balls 727 00:38:45,956 --> 00:38:48,459 and be like, I will break you. 728 00:38:49,593 --> 00:38:51,028 But you know, you know what? 729 00:38:51,028 --> 00:38:51,996 Let's just admire the sight. 730 00:38:51,996 --> 00:38:54,098 Look at that, man, she's. 731 00:38:58,035 --> 00:39:00,137 (branch cracking) 732 00:39:00,137 --> 00:39:02,073 Holy fuck, what was that? 733 00:39:02,073 --> 00:39:05,643 - Probably her husband, Big Bear, coming to kick our asses. 734 00:39:05,643 --> 00:39:06,544 I'll go have a look-see. 735 00:39:06,544 --> 00:39:08,379 You enjoy the scenery. 736 00:39:12,149 --> 00:39:13,417 I swear to God that boy's going to 737 00:39:13,417 --> 00:39:17,088 pull his pecker clean off one of these days. 738 00:39:40,578 --> 00:39:42,880 (Dolph masturbating) 739 00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:46,016 Come on, Big Bear, where the hell are you? 740 00:39:46,016 --> 00:39:48,452 We're just looking at your woman. 741 00:39:48,452 --> 00:39:50,054 We're just looking. 742 00:39:53,724 --> 00:39:54,558 God damn. 743 00:39:55,893 --> 00:39:59,063 I need to find a place to take a dump. 744 00:40:03,267 --> 00:40:05,069 - Oh my God. 745 00:40:05,069 --> 00:40:05,903 Oh, yeah. 746 00:40:08,305 --> 00:40:09,640 Oo, hoo hoo hoo. 747 00:40:11,642 --> 00:40:12,476 Breath. 748 00:40:17,181 --> 00:40:18,349 (zombie growling) 749 00:40:18,349 --> 00:40:21,752 (Walt yelling) 750 00:40:21,752 --> 00:40:23,988 (tense music) 751 00:40:23,988 --> 00:40:24,822 Oh, God. 752 00:40:26,490 --> 00:40:27,324 My God. 753 00:40:28,559 --> 00:40:31,128 (Walt yelling) 754 00:40:52,416 --> 00:40:53,818 Oh, fucking shit. 755 00:41:00,191 --> 00:41:02,860 (Dolph yelling) 756 00:41:06,897 --> 00:41:10,668 (Dolph yelling incoherently) 757 00:41:34,692 --> 00:41:37,428 (dramatic music) 758 00:41:40,865 --> 00:41:42,199 - Oh my God. 759 00:41:42,199 --> 00:41:44,635 (indistinct) 760 00:41:46,604 --> 00:41:48,806 (yelling) 761 00:41:48,806 --> 00:41:51,809 - Ew, Richard Simmons, that's one ugly son of a bitch. 762 00:41:51,809 --> 00:41:53,811 I'm getting out of here. 763 00:41:55,613 --> 00:41:56,514 - Oh, shit. 764 00:41:58,482 --> 00:42:01,252 Wait a minute, I think I fucked that guy in prison. 765 00:42:01,252 --> 00:42:02,753 - What? 766 00:42:02,753 --> 00:42:05,856 - I meant, I meant I fucked him up real good, baby. 767 00:42:05,856 --> 00:42:09,560 Ooh, looks like he ate some bad carnitas. 768 00:42:09,560 --> 00:42:12,463 (Jenny whimpering) 769 00:42:14,632 --> 00:42:16,400 Hey, baby, hang on. 770 00:42:16,400 --> 00:42:18,569 Yeah, you ever been skull fucked, boy? 771 00:42:18,569 --> 00:42:21,338 Well, you're about to be, vaminos. 772 00:42:21,338 --> 00:42:22,773 - What the hell's going on? 773 00:42:22,773 --> 00:42:24,708 - One of those dirty hippy zombies is out there 774 00:42:24,708 --> 00:42:26,343 and Slade's with it. 775 00:42:26,343 --> 00:42:27,845 We gotta help him. 776 00:42:32,917 --> 00:42:35,586 (zombie growls) 777 00:42:37,888 --> 00:42:39,690 - You're a feisty one. 778 00:42:39,690 --> 00:42:40,624 I remember. 779 00:42:42,993 --> 00:42:44,161 Come on, baby. 780 00:42:53,804 --> 00:42:55,539 - Slade, catch. 781 00:42:55,539 --> 00:42:57,107 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 782 00:43:01,612 --> 00:43:04,448 (Slade yells) 783 00:43:04,448 --> 00:43:06,450 - Oh baby, are you okay? 784 00:43:06,450 --> 00:43:09,119 You're going to get an infection. 785 00:43:09,119 --> 00:43:10,821 - Ooh, it's in. 786 00:43:10,821 --> 00:43:11,755 Oh it's in. 787 00:43:12,990 --> 00:43:14,491 Baby, pull it out. 788 00:43:19,630 --> 00:43:22,032 (Slade yells) 789 00:43:22,032 --> 00:43:23,701 Fucking butt loving. 790 00:43:25,102 --> 00:43:27,771 (zombie growls) 791 00:43:30,808 --> 00:43:33,477 (Spot whimpers) 792 00:43:40,684 --> 00:43:43,253 (loud farting) 793 00:43:47,992 --> 00:43:49,627 - What's the matter, boy? 794 00:43:49,627 --> 00:43:52,563 Your master go and leave you all alone? 795 00:43:52,563 --> 00:43:54,231 I know how you feel. 796 00:43:55,766 --> 00:43:57,034 What the hell am I doing, 797 00:43:57,034 --> 00:44:00,004 talking to a grown man in a dog mask? 798 00:44:01,538 --> 00:44:04,074 You pay yourself for something? 799 00:44:04,074 --> 00:44:07,678 No, seriously, what happened to your master? 800 00:44:08,846 --> 00:44:10,614 Looks like there's a mystery to be solved. 801 00:44:10,614 --> 00:44:11,849 Lead on, Scoob. 802 00:44:15,686 --> 00:44:19,089 Where we going, boy, where you taking me? 803 00:44:22,526 --> 00:44:23,527 - Holy shit. 804 00:44:24,495 --> 00:44:25,696 Boy, what happened? 805 00:44:25,696 --> 00:44:29,667 Tell me, what did this, some kind of animal? 806 00:44:29,667 --> 00:44:32,369 (zombie growls) 807 00:44:32,369 --> 00:44:35,439 (Spot barking) 808 00:44:35,439 --> 00:44:38,442 (death metal music) 809 00:45:05,803 --> 00:45:07,237 Are you okay, boy? 810 00:45:07,237 --> 00:45:11,175 We have to get back inside and warn the others. 811 00:45:15,345 --> 00:45:16,246 - Ilsa, no! 812 00:45:19,016 --> 00:45:21,852 (death metal music) 813 00:45:21,852 --> 00:45:23,687 (Tom farts and yells) 814 00:45:23,687 --> 00:45:24,855 - Ah, lick the ass, don't bite it! 815 00:45:24,855 --> 00:45:26,023 What the fuck? 816 00:45:30,494 --> 00:45:32,062 - Tom, I'm here to save you. 817 00:45:32,062 --> 00:45:33,530 - Victor, help. 818 00:45:33,530 --> 00:45:37,034 This rug muncher's eating my ass, and it hurts! 819 00:45:43,841 --> 00:45:46,410 (Inga screams) 820 00:45:50,214 --> 00:45:53,383 God, Victor, I'm not going to make it. 821 00:45:56,820 --> 00:45:57,988 Do me a favor. 822 00:45:59,189 --> 00:46:01,592 Tell Bill I always loved him. 823 00:46:03,927 --> 00:46:06,096 Wait, there's one more thing. 824 00:46:06,096 --> 00:46:08,365 Victor, I always hated you. 825 00:46:09,466 --> 00:46:11,468 Fuck you, you're a dick. 826 00:46:12,569 --> 00:46:14,138 Aah, ugh, I'm dead. 827 00:46:21,445 --> 00:46:24,515 - This is the worst fucking party ever. 828 00:46:24,515 --> 00:46:27,684 - I told you we should have left when the panda got fucked. 829 00:46:27,684 --> 00:46:28,752 - How the fuck was I supposed to know 830 00:46:28,752 --> 00:46:30,888 this was going to happen? 831 00:46:30,888 --> 00:46:32,689 (pounding on door) 832 00:46:32,689 --> 00:46:34,224 Oh shit. 833 00:46:34,224 --> 00:46:35,626 She's dead. 834 00:46:35,626 --> 00:46:36,860 I was going to fuck her. 835 00:46:36,860 --> 00:46:39,396 Tom was getting her ready for me. 836 00:46:39,396 --> 00:46:40,631 Oh. 837 00:46:40,631 --> 00:46:41,999 Ilsa, too. 838 00:46:41,999 --> 00:46:44,434 (Tom groans) 839 00:46:45,569 --> 00:46:47,404 - Now I'm really dead. 840 00:46:48,839 --> 00:46:50,874 - Yeah, that bitch over there was eating his ass. 841 00:46:50,874 --> 00:46:52,376 Look, he had something that he was going to 842 00:46:52,376 --> 00:46:53,777 say to you before he died. 843 00:46:53,777 --> 00:46:56,847 - Does it look like I care right now? 844 00:46:59,383 --> 00:47:00,551 Wait a minute. 845 00:47:01,585 --> 00:47:02,920 Did you fucking kill her? 846 00:47:02,920 --> 00:47:04,354 She wasn't even turned yet. 847 00:47:04,354 --> 00:47:06,390 - How was I supposed to know that? 848 00:47:06,390 --> 00:47:08,025 - You fucking killed a human being. 849 00:47:08,025 --> 00:47:10,627 - I got caught up in the moment, sue me. 850 00:47:10,627 --> 00:47:12,529 - I am a lawyer, and I will sue you as soon as 851 00:47:12,529 --> 00:47:16,433 whatever the fuck this is is all done and gone. 852 00:47:19,369 --> 00:47:21,471 Look, we have one option. 853 00:47:22,606 --> 00:47:24,141 There are two of us. 854 00:47:24,141 --> 00:47:25,609 - Three of us. 855 00:47:25,609 --> 00:47:26,543 - What do you mean? 856 00:47:26,543 --> 00:47:28,011 - Spot is still out there. 857 00:47:28,011 --> 00:47:29,813 - I'm not taking that freak on a leash with us. 858 00:47:29,813 --> 00:47:31,281 - Spot saved our asses. 859 00:47:31,281 --> 00:47:35,319 He's the one who warned us about these undead motherfuckers. 860 00:47:35,319 --> 00:47:36,520 - I'm giving you this one. 861 00:47:36,520 --> 00:47:40,157 After that, don't ask for anything else. 862 00:47:40,157 --> 00:47:42,426 There are three of us. 863 00:47:42,426 --> 00:47:44,561 The car's directly out front. 864 00:47:44,561 --> 00:47:46,530 We wade through these hipster motherfuckers, 865 00:47:46,530 --> 00:47:49,700 get in the car, and get out of here. 866 00:47:49,700 --> 00:47:51,768 - Alright, on three? 867 00:47:51,768 --> 00:47:52,836 - Let's roll. 868 00:47:53,937 --> 00:47:54,771 - One. 869 00:47:56,240 --> 00:47:57,074 Two. 870 00:47:58,408 --> 00:47:59,276 Three. 871 00:47:59,276 --> 00:48:02,112 (Tom groans) 872 00:48:02,112 --> 00:48:04,214 - Now I'm really dead. 873 00:48:04,214 --> 00:48:06,450 (death metal music) 874 00:48:06,450 --> 00:48:09,786 (intestines squelching) 875 00:48:20,831 --> 00:48:23,433 (man groaning) 876 00:48:57,067 --> 00:48:59,903 (zombie growling) 877 00:49:20,524 --> 00:49:21,425 - Come on, we gotta split this spit. 878 00:49:21,425 --> 00:49:22,826 Come on, you too. 879 00:49:23,927 --> 00:49:26,396 Here, have some fresh bing king buck. 880 00:49:26,396 --> 00:49:29,066 (woman screams) 881 00:49:33,303 --> 00:49:34,871 I gotta get the fuck out of here. 882 00:49:34,871 --> 00:49:37,441 An hour later, they're gonna be hungry again. 883 00:49:37,441 --> 00:49:39,843 (Dick yells) 884 00:49:45,582 --> 00:49:47,918 I never got to finish 885 00:49:47,918 --> 00:49:49,152 21 Fuck Street. 886 00:49:56,059 --> 00:49:58,261 - Oh shit babe, we're screwed now. 887 00:49:58,261 --> 00:50:00,597 (woman yelling indistinctly) 888 00:50:00,597 --> 00:50:03,433 (woman screaming) 889 00:50:05,335 --> 00:50:07,070 - You've got the herpes. 890 00:50:07,070 --> 00:50:08,071 Choke on it! 891 00:50:08,939 --> 00:50:11,775 (woman screaming) 892 00:50:20,117 --> 00:50:21,718 - [Man] Uh, save my baby. 893 00:50:21,718 --> 00:50:22,552 I gotta. 894 00:50:34,431 --> 00:50:37,434 (death metal music) 895 00:51:04,995 --> 00:51:06,530 - I have the power! 896 00:51:07,597 --> 00:51:10,367 (sword swishing) 897 00:51:25,182 --> 00:51:28,018 (zombies moaning) 898 00:51:30,787 --> 00:51:32,255 - Shit. 899 00:51:32,255 --> 00:51:34,024 They got Dick Jizzler. 900 00:51:34,024 --> 00:51:36,927 Now I'll never see 21 Fuck Street. 901 00:51:36,927 --> 00:51:38,161 - At least they got cupcakes. 902 00:51:38,161 --> 00:51:39,930 - Fuck your cupcakes. 903 00:51:40,864 --> 00:51:42,432 Batter up, Blondie. 904 00:51:53,944 --> 00:51:55,178 - You freak shit. 905 00:51:55,178 --> 00:51:58,148 Send her back to the Gipper, Victor. 906 00:52:09,025 --> 00:52:11,428 (Spot barks) 907 00:52:13,330 --> 00:52:15,065 - Great party, Kalie. 908 00:52:17,767 --> 00:52:20,203 (Spot barks) 909 00:52:23,273 --> 00:52:25,375 That is for giving me gonorrhea on 910 00:52:25,375 --> 00:52:28,645 the Dutch Wonderland field trip, bitch. 911 00:52:33,884 --> 00:52:36,720 Last one to nail ya, motherfucker. 912 00:52:38,288 --> 00:52:40,157 - We need to get to our wives, fast. 913 00:52:40,157 --> 00:52:42,259 They've got not way to defend themselves. 914 00:52:42,259 --> 00:52:43,660 - No we don't. 915 00:52:43,660 --> 00:52:46,830 What we need to do is go to my uncle's place. 916 00:52:46,830 --> 00:52:49,666 He was one of those Y2K weirdos. 917 00:52:49,666 --> 00:52:51,334 He's got this underground bunker. 918 00:52:51,334 --> 00:52:54,070 It's stocked with AK-47s. 919 00:52:54,070 --> 00:52:56,006 I'm pretty sure there was a bazooka 920 00:52:56,006 --> 00:52:57,607 the last time I was there. 921 00:52:57,607 --> 00:53:00,210 Uh, lots of bottled water. 922 00:53:00,210 --> 00:53:03,346 This freeze-dried food that the astronauts eat. 923 00:53:03,346 --> 00:53:07,484 I say we go there, watch my Dick Jizzler collection, 924 00:53:07,484 --> 00:53:09,719 eat ice cream you can eat in space, 925 00:53:09,719 --> 00:53:13,456 and just wait for this whole thing to blow over. 926 00:53:13,456 --> 00:53:15,258 - Unbelievable. 927 00:53:15,258 --> 00:53:17,894 Just when I thought you couldn't sink any lower. 928 00:53:17,894 --> 00:53:19,229 What about Jenny? 929 00:53:19,229 --> 00:53:20,730 - Fuck Jenny. 930 00:53:20,730 --> 00:53:23,600 All she cares about is my paycheck and what I buy her. 931 00:53:23,600 --> 00:53:25,101 - What about Megan? 932 00:53:25,101 --> 00:53:27,571 Don't you think she deserves to know what happened to Tom? 933 00:53:27,571 --> 00:53:29,873 - Tom is dead, he's not coming back. 934 00:53:29,873 --> 00:53:32,175 She's going to get over it, and when she does, 935 00:53:32,175 --> 00:53:36,913 I'm going to be there with a warm comforting hand. 936 00:53:36,913 --> 00:53:39,082 - Uh huh, yeah, he was your best friend, 937 00:53:39,082 --> 00:53:43,019 and now you're already thinking about screwing his wife. 938 00:53:43,019 --> 00:53:44,421 - We move on. 939 00:53:44,421 --> 00:53:45,855 It's called life. 940 00:53:48,191 --> 00:53:51,428 - Alright, you may be a selfish prick, 941 00:53:51,428 --> 00:53:53,363 but I know you love your kids, 942 00:53:53,363 --> 00:53:55,665 so how 'bout your children? 943 00:53:55,665 --> 00:53:57,167 - Those I do love. 944 00:53:58,068 --> 00:54:00,403 - Then let's go rescue them. 945 00:54:01,871 --> 00:54:02,706 - Okay. 946 00:54:04,574 --> 00:54:07,344 Who the fuck is mowing their lawn? 947 00:54:21,157 --> 00:54:23,560 (Spot barks) 948 00:54:40,343 --> 00:54:41,177 - Uh, hey. 949 00:54:42,512 --> 00:54:45,315 Been in here, oh I don't even know how long. 950 00:54:45,315 --> 00:54:47,050 All I know is, 951 00:54:47,050 --> 00:54:49,019 everything's gone, 952 00:54:49,019 --> 00:54:51,054 and you know, the water's gone. 953 00:54:51,054 --> 00:54:54,224 I have this one container of cat food. 954 00:54:55,392 --> 00:54:57,927 I, yes, it's cat food, I'm not making this up. 955 00:54:57,927 --> 00:55:00,297 I'm stuck in here with fucking cat food, 956 00:55:00,297 --> 00:55:01,998 and you know, I, I thought that you know 957 00:55:01,998 --> 00:55:03,967 being out here, and being able to be 958 00:55:03,967 --> 00:55:05,802 locked away with the things that I love, 959 00:55:05,802 --> 00:55:07,003 this is my DVDs, this is like my favorite stuff 960 00:55:07,003 --> 00:55:08,238 in the whole world, it's my movies 961 00:55:08,238 --> 00:55:09,439 and all this kind of stuff, 962 00:55:09,439 --> 00:55:11,274 but thing is like, it's really not that, 963 00:55:11,274 --> 00:55:13,443 it's not really that, not that exciting. 964 00:55:13,443 --> 00:55:15,578 You know, it gets pretty boring in here, 965 00:55:15,578 --> 00:55:17,414 and especially when you're in here starving to death 966 00:55:17,414 --> 00:55:21,084 and you have nothing, and let me tell you. 967 00:55:21,084 --> 00:55:23,086 Since I've run out of water, there is nothing to, 968 00:55:23,086 --> 00:55:24,988 you know, I'm trying to keep positive for the videos, 969 00:55:24,988 --> 00:55:27,223 and I'm trying to keep positive because I know you guys, 970 00:55:27,223 --> 00:55:29,225 some of you guys out there still care who have the ability, 971 00:55:29,225 --> 00:55:31,628 and I don't want to come off like a total fucking asshole, 972 00:55:31,628 --> 00:55:33,563 but I'm pretty angry right now, you know, 973 00:55:33,563 --> 00:55:36,232 because things are not looking so well for me. 974 00:55:36,232 --> 00:55:38,868 Coolduder's probably coming to his close. 975 00:55:38,868 --> 00:55:41,204 I have, like I said, there's no water left. 976 00:55:41,204 --> 00:55:43,406 I've got this fucking cat food left, 977 00:55:43,406 --> 00:55:45,842 and here's what I'm going to have to drink. 978 00:55:45,842 --> 00:55:47,711 I've resorted, and the color is terrible, 979 00:55:47,711 --> 00:55:50,914 you can tell that I'm extremely fucking dehydrated, 980 00:55:50,914 --> 00:55:53,083 and in pretty bad shape, I've resorted 981 00:55:53,083 --> 00:55:55,452 to having to do a pretty disgusting thing, 982 00:55:55,452 --> 00:55:57,487 which is collect my own urine. 983 00:55:57,487 --> 00:55:59,723 And I'll taste in on camera 984 00:56:00,857 --> 00:56:03,760 to show you guys what it's like, so. 985 00:56:07,330 --> 00:56:08,164 Ugh, oh. 986 00:56:12,268 --> 00:56:13,937 Oh that, that's not, 987 00:56:13,937 --> 00:56:15,505 I can't be a, 988 00:56:15,505 --> 00:56:17,006 Costner and drink. 989 00:56:18,842 --> 00:56:22,245 Uh, Jesus, and here's this, the cat food. 990 00:56:24,347 --> 00:56:27,083 Let's see what this is like. 991 00:56:27,083 --> 00:56:28,985 Oh, this is really bad. 992 00:56:34,224 --> 00:56:36,359 You know, they say, 993 00:56:36,359 --> 00:56:37,193 ew. 994 00:56:39,763 --> 00:56:40,597 God damn it. 995 00:56:40,597 --> 00:56:41,431 They say, 996 00:56:42,832 --> 00:56:44,934 you're so hungry you're just going to eat anything. 997 00:56:44,934 --> 00:56:46,703 Well, I'm not going to go on, just eat any fucking thing. 998 00:56:46,703 --> 00:56:50,106 I don't give a fuck, I don't care that much. 999 00:56:50,106 --> 00:56:51,641 I'm not happy. 1000 00:56:51,641 --> 00:56:55,812 Maybe I'll check back with you guys again, I don't know. 1001 00:56:57,380 --> 00:56:58,214 - Alright, come on. 1002 00:56:58,214 --> 00:56:59,048 - Goddamn, that hurts. 1003 00:56:59,048 --> 00:56:59,983 - Come on, come on. 1004 00:56:59,983 --> 00:57:01,751 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 1005 00:57:01,751 --> 00:57:02,986 - What the fuck? 1006 00:57:02,986 --> 00:57:04,554 - Oh my God. 1007 00:57:04,554 --> 00:57:07,390 (zombies growling) 1008 00:57:09,692 --> 00:57:12,195 (tense music) 1009 00:57:33,983 --> 00:57:35,752 - Can we make it to the car? 1010 00:57:35,752 --> 00:57:37,387 - No, the thing is swarming with them, 1011 00:57:37,387 --> 00:57:39,155 we'd never stand a chance. 1012 00:57:39,155 --> 00:57:41,224 - We're all seriously going to die. 1013 00:57:41,224 --> 00:57:42,692 I can't believe this. 1014 00:57:42,692 --> 00:57:45,395 Bad things should never happen to pretty people. 1015 00:57:45,395 --> 00:57:46,896 Why couldn't it have been that fugly Sean 1016 00:57:46,896 --> 00:57:48,998 from next door and his fatty wife? 1017 00:57:48,998 --> 00:57:50,300 Bet it would have been if they weren't 1018 00:57:50,300 --> 00:57:52,368 bankrupting the blue things in town. 1019 00:57:52,368 --> 00:57:54,037 It's just so stupid. 1020 00:57:56,105 --> 00:57:59,075 - God, same old Megan, right to the bitter fucking end. 1021 00:57:59,075 --> 00:58:01,377 - Hey, don't talk about my sister like that. 1022 00:58:01,377 --> 00:58:03,012 - Jenny, what about that shed? 1023 00:58:03,012 --> 00:58:04,547 - What about it? 1024 00:58:04,547 --> 00:58:06,616 - Would Bill have anything in there that we can use? 1025 00:58:06,616 --> 00:58:07,550 - Yeah, maybe. 1026 00:58:07,550 --> 00:58:08,651 You think we can make it? 1027 00:58:08,651 --> 00:58:10,920 - Only one way to find out. 1028 00:58:10,920 --> 00:58:12,322 Baby doll, it's been a real gas, 1029 00:58:12,322 --> 00:58:14,290 but I'm just going to slow you ladies down. 1030 00:58:14,290 --> 00:58:16,593 - [Stacy] No Slade, don't you dare talk like that. 1031 00:58:16,593 --> 00:58:18,428 We'll all go together. 1032 00:58:19,829 --> 00:58:21,364 - See, this is why I love you. 1033 00:58:21,364 --> 00:58:25,168 You're stubborn as a mule but beautiful as a Georgia sunset. 1034 00:58:34,577 --> 00:58:36,246 (zombies growling) 1035 00:58:36,246 --> 00:58:39,048 Come and get it, you undead sons of bitches. 1036 00:58:39,048 --> 00:58:42,619 I got some grade A all-American beef for you right here. 1037 00:58:42,619 --> 00:58:45,755 You got front row tickets to the gun show. 1038 00:58:45,755 --> 00:58:47,590 (squirrel chattering) 1039 00:58:47,590 --> 00:58:50,360 (Slade screams) 1040 00:58:50,360 --> 00:58:52,128 - [Both] Oh my God. 1041 00:58:52,128 --> 00:58:54,931 (indistinct) 1042 00:58:54,931 --> 00:58:55,932 - Oh, Slade! 1043 00:58:56,866 --> 00:59:00,069 (Slade groaning) 1044 00:59:00,069 --> 00:59:03,840 But he was always so fond of little critters. 1045 00:59:07,377 --> 00:59:10,547 (squirrel chattering) 1046 00:59:11,447 --> 00:59:12,715 - It's okay, I'm alright. 1047 00:59:12,715 --> 00:59:14,317 (squirrel chattering) 1048 00:59:14,317 --> 00:59:16,252 (Slade screaming) 1049 00:59:16,252 --> 00:59:20,156 (overlapping talking) 1050 00:59:20,156 --> 00:59:22,492 (crunching) 1051 00:59:26,829 --> 00:59:29,832 (death metal music) 1052 00:59:49,419 --> 00:59:52,088 (Slade choking) 1053 01:00:00,096 --> 01:00:02,699 (squirrel chattering) 1054 01:00:02,699 --> 01:00:05,635 (zombies growling) 1055 01:00:32,328 --> 01:00:35,632 - Eat this, you zombie cock suckers. 1056 01:00:35,632 --> 01:00:37,467 (weed eater revving) 1057 01:00:37,467 --> 01:00:40,303 (Megan screaming) 1058 01:00:48,111 --> 01:00:50,680 (Molly laughs) 1059 01:01:01,257 --> 01:01:03,926 (zombie groans) 1060 01:01:18,007 --> 01:01:20,710 - Come on, let's see what these bitches are up to. 1061 01:01:20,710 --> 01:01:23,579 Fucking whore of a sister better save some hot water, 1062 01:01:23,579 --> 01:01:25,648 I gotta pretty up a little bit. 1063 01:01:25,648 --> 01:01:26,616 (zombie growls) 1064 01:01:26,616 --> 01:01:28,618 Hey, Stu, how you doing? 1065 01:01:31,320 --> 01:01:34,157 Hola, Alejandro, how's it hanging? 1066 01:01:36,159 --> 01:01:39,162 (death metal music) 1067 01:01:55,111 --> 01:01:56,446 - Got it, Molly. 1068 01:02:01,017 --> 01:02:03,019 - Fucking piece of shit. 1069 01:02:07,023 --> 01:02:08,524 - Let's go, bitch. 1070 01:02:11,828 --> 01:02:13,663 I gotta do more cardio. 1071 01:02:13,663 --> 01:02:14,497 (squirrel chattering) 1072 01:02:14,497 --> 01:02:15,832 Zombie squirrel! 1073 01:02:19,736 --> 01:02:22,505 - That's for mouth raping my man! 1074 01:02:35,251 --> 01:02:38,254 (engine revs and sputters) 1075 01:02:38,254 --> 01:02:40,990 - Fabulous, this could be useful. 1076 01:02:43,392 --> 01:02:45,661 Can we get out of here now? 1077 01:02:46,596 --> 01:02:49,065 - Come on, come on, not now! 1078 01:02:49,065 --> 01:02:51,100 - Jenny, what's wrong? 1079 01:02:51,100 --> 01:02:53,136 - I don't know, it won't start. 1080 01:02:53,136 --> 01:02:56,005 - Maybe it's the starter or the transmission or something. 1081 01:02:56,005 --> 01:02:57,573 (Jenny crying) 1082 01:02:57,573 --> 01:02:59,542 - Jenny, calm down. 1083 01:02:59,542 --> 01:03:01,477 - I can't believe I'm going to die 1084 01:03:01,477 --> 01:03:03,880 in this piece of shit car. 1085 01:03:03,880 --> 01:03:06,315 I was supposed to be rich and famous, 1086 01:03:06,315 --> 01:03:09,018 lounging on a beach in Venice, 1087 01:03:09,018 --> 01:03:12,722 being served drinks by hot guys named Giovanni. 1088 01:03:12,722 --> 01:03:14,457 Bella was going to be home-schooled 1089 01:03:14,457 --> 01:03:16,292 and we'd live the good life. 1090 01:03:16,292 --> 01:03:17,560 - Megan, shut the hell up, or I'm going to 1091 01:03:17,560 --> 01:03:19,829 toss you out of this car to get eaten. 1092 01:03:19,829 --> 01:03:22,665 - Go ahead and try it, clam diver. 1093 01:03:22,665 --> 01:03:25,234 - Guys, I think we can make a run for it. 1094 01:03:25,234 --> 01:03:27,136 - I could have gotten away if my new sugar daddy 1095 01:03:27,136 --> 01:03:29,138 would have gotten me that car he promised. 1096 01:03:29,138 --> 01:03:30,740 - I can't believe you're cheating on Tom. 1097 01:03:30,740 --> 01:03:33,509 He would die for you, Megan. 1098 01:03:33,509 --> 01:03:34,911 - God, you're so blind. 1099 01:03:34,911 --> 01:03:36,479 Little Miss Perfect Jenny. 1100 01:03:36,479 --> 01:03:38,481 Mom and Dad always thought you were perfect, too. 1101 01:03:38,481 --> 01:03:39,715 I could come home and tell them 1102 01:03:39,715 --> 01:03:40,917 I made the cheerleading squad, and they'd say 1103 01:03:40,917 --> 01:03:42,785 "hopefully you'll be half as good as Jenny." 1104 01:03:42,785 --> 01:03:45,021 - What are you talking about? 1105 01:03:45,021 --> 01:03:47,123 - You're so fucking naive. 1106 01:03:47,123 --> 01:03:50,193 I mean, have you even met Tom and seen how hairy he is? 1107 01:03:50,193 --> 01:03:52,128 I don't even know what I was thinking. 1108 01:03:52,128 --> 01:03:53,563 - We are about to die. 1109 01:03:53,563 --> 01:03:55,832 Why are you saying these things? 1110 01:03:55,832 --> 01:03:57,433 - Because if we are going to die, 1111 01:03:57,433 --> 01:04:00,870 I need you to know that Stacy isn't sleeping with Bill, 1112 01:04:00,870 --> 01:04:02,238 I am. 1113 01:04:02,238 --> 01:04:04,674 - I told you, bitch. 1114 01:04:04,674 --> 01:04:05,608 - I can't believe you. 1115 01:04:05,608 --> 01:04:07,443 I don't even know you anymore. 1116 01:04:07,443 --> 01:04:09,212 - I don't care what any of you think of me. 1117 01:04:09,212 --> 01:04:10,446 I've never been more happy than 1118 01:04:10,446 --> 01:04:12,114 these past six months with Bill. 1119 01:04:12,114 --> 01:04:14,483 For once in my life, someone is actually focusing on me 1120 01:04:14,483 --> 01:04:15,718 and not little Jenny. 1121 01:04:15,718 --> 01:04:17,286 For once, you lose! 1122 01:04:19,255 --> 01:04:20,423 - [Both] Damn. 1123 01:04:21,858 --> 01:04:24,060 - You know what, I don't need any of you. 1124 01:04:24,060 --> 01:04:28,231 I've never needed anyone, I'm not going to start now. 1125 01:04:29,265 --> 01:04:31,834 Stupid child safety lock. 1126 01:04:31,834 --> 01:04:33,002 - Megan, wait! 1127 01:04:34,670 --> 01:04:35,471 She'll never make it. 1128 01:04:35,471 --> 01:04:37,473 We have to go after her. 1129 01:05:02,231 --> 01:05:04,166 - Just leave me here. 1130 01:05:04,166 --> 01:05:06,402 I've nothing to live for. 1131 01:05:06,402 --> 01:05:08,604 - Look, regardless of what you did, 1132 01:05:08,604 --> 01:05:10,039 you're still my baby sister, 1133 01:05:10,039 --> 01:05:11,340 and I'm sorry you felt that way. 1134 01:05:11,340 --> 01:05:12,275 I love you. 1135 01:05:18,180 --> 01:05:19,916 - What are y'all doing? 1136 01:05:19,916 --> 01:05:22,652 This looks like my kind of party. 1137 01:05:22,652 --> 01:05:24,921 - Jessica, you're still alive. 1138 01:05:24,921 --> 01:05:27,223 How have you been surviving? 1139 01:05:27,223 --> 01:05:28,958 - Surviving what? 1140 01:05:28,958 --> 01:05:30,726 Fuck it, let's party. 1141 01:05:32,962 --> 01:05:33,796 Whoo! 1142 01:05:35,798 --> 01:05:37,600 (zombie growls) 1143 01:05:37,600 --> 01:05:41,771 Well hey there, big boy, you look like just my type. 1144 01:05:49,078 --> 01:05:51,647 Oh, daddy, I like it rough, oh. 1145 01:06:02,224 --> 01:06:03,793 Oh, harder, harder. 1146 01:06:04,894 --> 01:06:06,395 Oh, use your teeth. 1147 01:06:15,237 --> 01:06:17,907 (zombie growls) 1148 01:06:29,318 --> 01:06:30,820 - Ladies. 1149 01:06:30,820 --> 01:06:32,822 Your savior has arrived. 1150 01:06:35,291 --> 01:06:36,959 Come here, gorgeous. 1151 01:06:38,361 --> 01:06:40,830 (Bill groans) 1152 01:06:40,830 --> 01:06:42,298 What the hell are you doing? 1153 01:06:42,298 --> 01:06:45,968 We came here to rescue you, you ungrateful bitch. 1154 01:06:45,968 --> 01:06:47,570 - I want a divorce. 1155 01:06:49,305 --> 01:06:50,906 - What do you want? 1156 01:06:53,943 --> 01:06:55,544 - That's for calling my sister a bitch. 1157 01:06:55,544 --> 01:06:59,982 And you sir can kiss this fabulous ass goodbye. 1158 01:06:59,982 --> 01:07:01,150 - [Both] Damn. 1159 01:07:03,252 --> 01:07:04,854 - We showed him, didn't we, sis? 1160 01:07:04,854 --> 01:07:05,955 - You know it. 1161 01:07:10,659 --> 01:07:12,361 - Ah, Spot. 1162 01:07:12,361 --> 01:07:13,462 Everyone turned against me. 1163 01:07:13,462 --> 01:07:14,897 You're the last one. 1164 01:07:14,897 --> 01:07:15,698 I knew you'd never leave, wait, what are you, 1165 01:07:15,698 --> 01:07:17,166 what the fuck, no! 1166 01:07:18,334 --> 01:07:19,602 No, Spot, stop! 1167 01:07:20,970 --> 01:07:23,139 (choking) 1168 01:07:28,244 --> 01:07:29,345 Stop. 1169 01:07:29,345 --> 01:07:31,180 What kind of, come on. 1170 01:07:32,381 --> 01:07:34,617 - You just got knocked the fuck out, biatch. 1171 01:07:34,617 --> 01:07:35,851 And pissed on. 1172 01:07:35,851 --> 01:07:37,520 That's what you get. 1173 01:07:38,487 --> 01:07:39,755 - Thank God you're alive. 1174 01:07:39,755 --> 01:07:42,058 I thought I'd never see you again. 1175 01:07:42,058 --> 01:07:43,225 - Where's Tom? 1176 01:07:45,194 --> 01:07:46,662 - Oh my God, Victor, the children. 1177 01:07:46,662 --> 01:07:48,030 We have to get to them. 1178 01:07:48,030 --> 01:07:49,331 - Don't worry. 1179 01:07:49,331 --> 01:07:51,500 Vanessa and Riley are really smart kids. 1180 01:07:51,500 --> 01:07:52,835 I'm sure they've locked themselves 1181 01:07:52,835 --> 01:07:54,937 in one of those cabins by now. 1182 01:07:54,937 --> 01:07:56,906 - I just couldn't bear if we lost them. 1183 01:07:56,906 --> 01:08:01,077 - Molly, I swear to you, I will not let that happen. 1184 01:08:02,645 --> 01:08:05,214 - As long as everyone's done kicking my ass now, 1185 01:08:05,214 --> 01:08:07,650 can we please come up with a plan? 1186 01:08:07,650 --> 01:08:09,285 - So what do you have in mind? 1187 01:08:09,285 --> 01:08:12,288 - Look, I know those woods like the back of my hand. 1188 01:08:12,288 --> 01:08:14,590 Now regardless of what all of you feel about me 1189 01:08:14,590 --> 01:08:17,026 at this moment, I love my kids 1190 01:08:17,026 --> 01:08:19,662 just as much as you love yours. 1191 01:08:19,662 --> 01:08:22,731 - As much as I hate to say it, he's right. 1192 01:08:22,731 --> 01:08:25,468 Bill's taken the kids camping there before. 1193 01:08:25,468 --> 01:08:27,136 - Well, I guess if he's our best chance 1194 01:08:27,136 --> 01:08:28,370 to get our families back, 1195 01:08:28,370 --> 01:08:30,873 I can tolerate the douche bag. 1196 01:08:30,873 --> 01:08:32,942 - Can't you just feel the love. 1197 01:08:32,942 --> 01:08:36,512 - Enough with the bullshit, Bill, let's go. 1198 01:08:57,166 --> 01:09:00,002 (zombie growling) 1199 01:09:02,471 --> 01:09:06,375 - Freaky douche bags, see what I got in my puddy bag. 1200 01:09:06,375 --> 01:09:08,611 Two against one isn't fair. 1201 01:09:08,611 --> 01:09:10,446 Oh God, I'm not ready. 1202 01:09:11,313 --> 01:09:14,550 (yelling indistinctly) 1203 01:09:19,688 --> 01:09:22,224 - Holy crap, is that a transgender little person 1204 01:09:22,224 --> 01:09:24,827 carrying a battle ax being chased by the undead? 1205 01:09:24,827 --> 01:09:26,562 - Uh, yeah. 1206 01:09:26,562 --> 01:09:27,997 I'd still hit it. 1207 01:09:27,997 --> 01:09:28,831 - Yeah. 1208 01:09:32,168 --> 01:09:34,069 - Oh wow, Dick Jizzler. 1209 01:09:39,074 --> 01:09:42,011 Thanks for the wheels, cock sucker. 1210 01:10:00,796 --> 01:10:02,865 - Less noise means less zombies. 1211 01:10:02,865 --> 01:10:04,667 We walk from here on out. 1212 01:10:04,667 --> 01:10:06,869 - Look, in all likelihood, they're camped 1213 01:10:06,869 --> 01:10:10,039 about a quarter mile up north by the creek. 1214 01:10:10,039 --> 01:10:12,942 What we're going to have to do is go in quiet, 1215 01:10:12,942 --> 01:10:15,511 get the kids, get the fuck out. 1216 01:10:17,813 --> 01:10:19,682 - Well, I don't see any zombies, 1217 01:10:19,682 --> 01:10:22,051 but that doesn't mean anything. 1218 01:10:22,051 --> 01:10:25,120 Hopefully they just haven't wandered out this far yet. 1219 01:10:25,120 --> 01:10:26,622 What we need to do is-- 1220 01:10:26,622 --> 01:10:28,924 - If you're getting ready to say we need to split up, 1221 01:10:28,924 --> 01:10:31,093 I have to say it's a terrible idea. 1222 01:10:31,093 --> 01:10:33,662 It never works out well for people like me. 1223 01:10:33,662 --> 01:10:36,198 - No, Megan, I have seen enough monster movies 1224 01:10:36,198 --> 01:10:38,601 to know that that is a fucking horrible idea. 1225 01:10:38,601 --> 01:10:40,469 What I was going to say, is somebody needs 1226 01:10:40,469 --> 01:10:42,871 to stay with the car and keep it running. 1227 01:10:42,871 --> 01:10:44,440 - Megan, maybe you should stay here with the truck 1228 01:10:44,440 --> 01:10:46,308 and keep it ready for us. 1229 01:10:46,308 --> 01:10:47,276 - No way. 1230 01:10:47,276 --> 01:10:48,510 After all we've been through, 1231 01:10:48,510 --> 01:10:50,346 I am not letting you out of my sight. 1232 01:10:50,346 --> 01:10:52,281 - Victor, I think you should be 1233 01:10:52,281 --> 01:10:53,916 the one to stay with the truck. 1234 01:10:53,916 --> 01:10:56,118 - What, no, I'm coming with you. 1235 01:10:56,118 --> 01:10:59,154 I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to you. 1236 01:10:59,154 --> 01:11:01,523 - Sweety, you have no training. 1237 01:11:01,523 --> 01:11:04,093 I mean, you couldn't even open up a Swiss army knife, 1238 01:11:04,093 --> 01:11:06,195 let alone bash a zombie's head in. 1239 01:11:06,195 --> 01:11:09,598 - We did alright for ourselves before we met up with y'all. 1240 01:11:09,598 --> 01:11:12,501 - But sweetie, you weren't trained for combat like I was. 1241 01:11:12,501 --> 01:11:14,670 And I'm afraid that if we do run into some trouble, 1242 01:11:14,670 --> 01:11:16,605 I'll be too busy keeping you safe 1243 01:11:16,605 --> 01:11:19,708 instead of taking care of business. 1244 01:11:19,708 --> 01:11:23,145 - I promise you, proper training or not, 1245 01:11:23,145 --> 01:11:26,982 if one or a thousand of those undead son of a bitches 1246 01:11:26,982 --> 01:11:29,251 gets between us and the kids, 1247 01:11:29,251 --> 01:11:31,854 I will send each and every single one of them 1248 01:11:31,854 --> 01:11:33,422 back to the grave. 1249 01:11:33,422 --> 01:11:34,857 - But Victor-- 1250 01:11:34,857 --> 01:11:38,160 - Don't argue with me, Molly, I'm coming with you. 1251 01:11:38,160 --> 01:11:40,663 - Super, wonderful, awesome. 1252 01:11:40,663 --> 01:11:43,465 I'm so glad that we all love each and every one of us 1253 01:11:43,465 --> 01:11:46,735 and no man left behind and all that bullshit. 1254 01:11:46,735 --> 01:11:49,138 But before we start giving each other hand jobs, 1255 01:11:49,138 --> 01:11:51,840 can we please come up with a goddamn decision. 1256 01:11:51,840 --> 01:11:55,110 - For the record Bill, nobody loves you, you piece of shit. 1257 01:11:55,110 --> 01:11:56,378 - I distinctly-- - Tom loved you. 1258 01:11:56,378 --> 01:11:57,980 - That was at camp-- - Oh no, you fucking. 1259 01:11:57,980 --> 01:12:00,783 - 15 years ago, everyone that goes experiments. 1260 01:12:00,783 --> 01:12:02,384 (overlapping talking) 1261 01:12:02,384 --> 01:12:04,987 (Spot barking) 1262 01:12:04,987 --> 01:12:06,155 - What is it, boy? 1263 01:12:06,155 --> 01:12:07,356 (Spot barks) 1264 01:12:07,356 --> 01:12:09,692 Do you want to stay with the car? 1265 01:12:09,692 --> 01:12:11,193 - I think he does. 1266 01:12:12,361 --> 01:12:14,063 - Now that we have that sorted out, 1267 01:12:14,063 --> 01:12:16,398 can we please get a move on? 1268 01:12:18,834 --> 01:12:20,803 - If you see anything, just bark. 1269 01:12:20,803 --> 01:12:23,205 (Spot barks) 1270 01:12:23,205 --> 01:12:26,041 (zombies moaning) 1271 01:12:30,212 --> 01:12:32,614 - Oh no, we're too late. 1272 01:12:32,614 --> 01:12:34,783 - Don't jump to any conclusions, Jenny. 1273 01:12:34,783 --> 01:12:36,051 I don't see any blood. 1274 01:12:36,051 --> 01:12:38,520 They probably got out before it got too bad. 1275 01:12:38,520 --> 01:12:40,055 - What's our move? 1276 01:12:40,055 --> 01:12:42,091 - There's too many of them on the bridge. 1277 01:12:42,091 --> 01:12:43,392 We'll never make it through. 1278 01:12:43,392 --> 01:12:45,461 - Son of a bitch, he's right. 1279 01:12:45,461 --> 01:12:47,296 The only option we have 1280 01:12:47,296 --> 01:12:50,799 is to go through the creek and around 'em. 1281 01:12:51,967 --> 01:12:54,970 - And we kill them, every last one of them, 1282 01:12:54,970 --> 01:12:57,406 until we get our babies back. 1283 01:13:07,282 --> 01:13:09,952 (ominous music) 1284 01:14:04,239 --> 01:14:06,775 (women scream) 1285 01:14:15,684 --> 01:14:16,852 - [Both] Jism. 1286 01:14:42,511 --> 01:14:45,280 (conch sounding) 1287 01:14:48,584 --> 01:14:51,086 (tense music) 1288 01:14:55,491 --> 01:14:56,992 - Oh my God, Bill! 1289 01:15:05,167 --> 01:15:07,970 - You gotta be fucking kidding me. 1290 01:15:10,472 --> 01:15:12,708 - Is that a fucking merman? 1291 01:15:14,409 --> 01:15:16,912 - I'm coming to meet you, Tom. 1292 01:15:18,213 --> 01:15:21,216 (death metal music) 1293 01:15:36,865 --> 01:15:37,766 No, no, no. 1294 01:15:39,434 --> 01:15:41,336 I can't, no, I'm sorry. 1295 01:15:48,410 --> 01:15:49,344 Oh, no, no. 1296 01:16:01,390 --> 01:16:04,593 - Got my ticket for the penis mullet. 1297 01:16:04,593 --> 01:16:06,929 (zombie groaning) 1298 01:16:06,929 --> 01:16:08,163 What in the ... 1299 01:16:09,565 --> 01:16:11,066 Dios mio. 1300 01:16:11,066 --> 01:16:13,168 What in the cat side cosmos? 1301 01:16:13,168 --> 01:16:14,670 Don't eat me, bro. 1302 01:16:18,440 --> 01:16:21,276 You look like a vagina, and I hate vaginas, 1303 01:16:21,276 --> 01:16:23,946 'cause they look like Willem Dafoe. 1304 01:16:23,946 --> 01:16:26,748 (zombie growling) 1305 01:16:30,953 --> 01:16:32,421 - Hi, room service? 1306 01:16:32,421 --> 01:16:34,957 I'd like a bottle of your freshest wine, please. 1307 01:16:34,957 --> 01:16:37,492 And two plastic cups. 1308 01:16:37,492 --> 01:16:39,728 Stryo, yeah, styrofoam's good. 1309 01:16:39,728 --> 01:16:41,063 Okay, thank you. 1310 01:16:45,067 --> 01:16:47,903 (zombie growling) 1311 01:16:52,541 --> 01:16:55,644 (loud thump on door) 1312 01:17:00,082 --> 01:17:02,784 - You know, it's about fucking time. 1313 01:17:02,784 --> 01:17:06,188 (zombie yells wordlessly) 1314 01:17:06,188 --> 01:17:09,191 (death metal music) 1315 01:17:15,397 --> 01:17:16,231 Take her! 1316 01:17:20,736 --> 01:17:23,405 (woman screams) 1317 01:17:32,147 --> 01:17:35,150 (death metal music) 1318 01:17:38,587 --> 01:17:40,355 (Megan screams) 1319 01:17:40,355 --> 01:17:41,957 - Babe, I'm coming! 1320 01:17:47,162 --> 01:17:49,831 (zombie growls) 1321 01:17:56,004 --> 01:17:58,840 (women screaming) 1322 01:18:05,347 --> 01:18:06,682 - Victor, look out! 1323 01:18:06,682 --> 01:18:07,816 (Victor yells) 1324 01:18:07,816 --> 01:18:08,984 - Ah, get off. 1325 01:18:12,020 --> 01:18:13,689 - [Molly] Oh my God. 1326 01:18:21,763 --> 01:18:23,665 - Is everybody okay? 1327 01:18:23,665 --> 01:18:25,534 - I think so. 1328 01:18:25,534 --> 01:18:29,037 Wow, holy crap, the hot chick lived! 1329 01:18:29,037 --> 01:18:30,772 - Typical Megan. 1330 01:18:30,772 --> 01:18:32,641 Where's Bill? 1331 01:18:32,641 --> 01:18:34,843 - I'm sorry, sis, he didn't make it. 1332 01:18:34,843 --> 01:18:35,677 - Huh. 1333 01:18:40,649 --> 01:18:42,884 - I'm so proud of you baby, are you okay? 1334 01:18:42,884 --> 01:18:44,920 You were so brave. 1335 01:18:44,920 --> 01:18:49,091 We have to go find out where the kids went, let's go. 1336 01:18:53,729 --> 01:18:56,164 Victor, is that zombie blood? 1337 01:18:57,365 --> 01:18:59,901 Answer me, damn it, is that your blood? 1338 01:18:59,901 --> 01:19:01,236 - I'm afraid so. 1339 01:19:02,771 --> 01:19:04,740 - Well, it's just a tiny bite. 1340 01:19:04,740 --> 01:19:07,375 That doesn't mean that that could turn you into one of them. 1341 01:19:07,375 --> 01:19:09,144 - I think it's already happening. 1342 01:19:09,144 --> 01:19:12,314 - Oh, no no no, baby, don't you die on me. 1343 01:19:12,314 --> 01:19:14,816 - Molly, I love you so much. 1344 01:19:14,816 --> 01:19:17,085 I don't want to forget what you and the kids 1345 01:19:17,085 --> 01:19:18,487 have meant to me. 1346 01:19:19,921 --> 01:19:22,090 I want the last thing that I ever see in this world 1347 01:19:22,090 --> 01:19:24,326 to be your beautiful face. 1348 01:19:24,326 --> 01:19:28,096 Hey, I want to love you with my dying breath, 1349 01:19:28,096 --> 01:19:32,534 just as much as I loved you on our wedding day. 1350 01:19:32,534 --> 01:19:33,969 - I'm so worried. 1351 01:19:35,070 --> 01:19:37,639 (somber music) 1352 01:20:12,107 --> 01:20:13,108 - I'm sorry. 1353 01:20:28,957 --> 01:20:31,726 - Come on, let's go get our kids. 1354 01:20:59,521 --> 01:21:00,956 - Come on, Raoul. 1355 01:21:02,390 --> 01:21:03,658 We were supposed to be finished over an hour ago, 1356 01:21:03,658 --> 01:21:05,393 and I haven't eaten anything all day. 1357 01:21:05,393 --> 01:21:06,962 Well, food that is. 1358 01:21:08,230 --> 01:21:10,432 - Hold your horses, missy. 1359 01:21:10,432 --> 01:21:12,400 I don't pay you by the hour. 1360 01:21:12,400 --> 01:21:14,369 I pay you for your vajay-jay, 1361 01:21:14,369 --> 01:21:16,838 which, I will remind you, is mine for the day, 1362 01:21:16,838 --> 01:21:19,107 so I will control when you get to leave, 1363 01:21:19,107 --> 01:21:20,175 when you get to eat, 1364 01:21:20,175 --> 01:21:22,844 and when you are getting fucked. 1365 01:21:25,247 --> 01:21:26,381 This is probably that bastard's way 1366 01:21:26,381 --> 01:21:27,616 of getting back at me. 1367 01:21:27,616 --> 01:21:29,084 He's been trying to get revenge ever since 1368 01:21:29,084 --> 01:21:31,887 I convinced him to act in that Sam Ritter movie. 1369 01:21:31,887 --> 01:21:33,722 What am I going to do? 1370 01:21:35,490 --> 01:21:37,692 - How does Jizzler still get work, anyway? 1371 01:21:37,692 --> 01:21:39,461 He's like a dinosaur. 1372 01:21:41,930 --> 01:21:43,298 - Watch your tone, missy. 1373 01:21:43,298 --> 01:21:44,666 He is a dinosaur 1374 01:21:44,666 --> 01:21:48,069 with a brontosaurus for a cock. 1375 01:21:48,069 --> 01:21:51,072 I would do anything for a taste. 1376 01:21:51,072 --> 01:21:51,907 Anything. 1377 01:21:54,209 --> 01:21:56,177 - Megan Mounds doesn't wait for anyone. 1378 01:21:56,177 --> 01:21:59,547 If he's not here in five minutes, I'm out of here. 1379 01:21:59,547 --> 01:22:02,651 My talents can be used elsewhere. 1380 01:22:02,651 --> 01:22:05,687 (pounding on door) 1381 01:22:05,687 --> 01:22:08,089 - There you are, you bastard. 1382 01:22:08,089 --> 01:22:09,324 What the hell's wrong with you? 1383 01:22:09,324 --> 01:22:12,093 You smell like taco meat and hotdog water. 1384 01:22:12,093 --> 01:22:14,029 Bastard, what the hell? 1385 01:22:17,132 --> 01:22:19,801 (man screaming) 1386 01:22:22,404 --> 01:22:26,041 - Ah, no no no no no, I changed my mind. 1387 01:22:26,041 --> 01:22:28,543 I don't, I don't want a taste. 1388 01:22:30,211 --> 01:22:32,547 - I'm too sexy to be killed. 1389 01:22:48,797 --> 01:22:51,299 (Megan screams) 1390 01:22:51,299 --> 01:22:52,968 - [Jenny] Megan, no. 1391 01:22:54,569 --> 01:22:57,572 (death metal music) 1392 01:23:00,742 --> 01:23:03,244 (Stacy gasps) 1393 01:23:33,408 --> 01:23:34,242 - Whoo! 1394 01:23:41,282 --> 01:23:44,119 (zombie growling) 1395 01:24:08,510 --> 01:24:10,945 (women yelling) 1396 01:24:10,945 --> 01:24:11,780 - Are you okay? 1397 01:24:11,780 --> 01:24:12,847 - I think so. 1398 01:25:20,748 --> 01:25:22,417 - What the fuck was that? 1399 01:25:22,417 --> 01:25:24,352 Who the fuck does that? 1400 01:25:25,553 --> 01:25:29,124 Man, I beat the fuck up that motherfucker, man. 1401 01:25:29,124 --> 01:25:32,093 Hey baby, you think that motherfucker was sick? 1402 01:25:32,093 --> 01:25:33,261 Man, the fuck. 1403 01:25:34,229 --> 01:25:35,864 I hope you ready for round two, 1404 01:25:35,864 --> 01:25:38,867 sure 'bout to beat that pussy, yeah. 1405 01:26:12,834 --> 01:26:14,536 Man, I'm tired of this shit, man. 1406 01:26:14,536 --> 01:26:17,172 She better hurry the motherfuck up. 1407 01:26:17,172 --> 01:26:20,608 Baby, you better hurry in there, man. 1408 01:26:20,608 --> 01:26:24,913 Come back down here and wake me up, surprise me. 1409 01:26:24,913 --> 01:26:25,914 Surprise me. 1410 01:26:30,552 --> 01:26:33,054 (tense music) 1411 01:26:49,070 --> 01:26:51,806 - Ah, bitch, ah, get the fuck, ah. 1412 01:26:51,806 --> 01:26:53,074 Fuck, ah. 1413 01:26:53,074 --> 01:26:56,077 (death metal music) 1414 01:27:18,733 --> 01:27:21,236 (tense music) 1415 01:27:54,969 --> 01:27:56,738 - Oh, where are they? 1416 01:27:57,739 --> 01:28:00,708 (Stacy crying) 1417 01:28:00,708 --> 01:28:01,876 - Jenny, look. 1418 01:28:08,216 --> 01:28:09,884 Guys, come here. 1419 01:28:09,884 --> 01:28:11,552 - You guys, look, the kids are alive. 1420 01:28:11,552 --> 01:28:14,155 It says they were evacuated to Fort Detrick. 1421 01:28:14,155 --> 01:28:16,791 - Fort Detrick's over an hour away. 1422 01:28:16,791 --> 01:28:18,026 - Then we leave now. 1423 01:28:18,026 --> 01:28:18,993 - There must be a million zombies 1424 01:28:18,993 --> 01:28:20,461 between here and Fort Detrick. 1425 01:28:20,461 --> 01:28:22,630 - Then God help every last one of them. 1426 01:28:22,630 --> 01:28:24,999 - Oh guys, things are not good. 1427 01:28:24,999 --> 01:28:26,901 Things are not good at all. 1428 01:28:26,901 --> 01:28:28,736 Right behind the fucking door, 1429 01:28:28,736 --> 01:28:29,837 I don't know if you can hear it, 1430 01:28:29,837 --> 01:28:31,572 these things are out there. 1431 01:28:31,572 --> 01:28:34,842 The fucking zombies are right outside the fucking door, 1432 01:28:34,842 --> 01:28:36,377 coming in here, gonna, 1433 01:28:36,377 --> 01:28:38,146 this is probably going to be the last 1434 01:28:38,146 --> 01:28:40,348 fucking video that you see of me, 1435 01:28:40,348 --> 01:28:41,849 and I hope you've enjoyed me, 1436 01:28:41,849 --> 01:28:44,118 watch all these goddamn spooky movies 1437 01:28:44,118 --> 01:28:45,420 and I've been stuck in this fucking worm lef. 1438 01:28:45,420 --> 01:28:47,488 I'm in here with no, with power still on, 1439 01:28:47,488 --> 01:28:49,590 still fucking power, and the zombies 1440 01:28:49,590 --> 01:28:53,394 are fucking beating on the goddamn door. 1441 01:28:53,394 --> 01:28:54,228 Oh shit. 1442 01:28:55,863 --> 01:28:58,866 (Coolduder screams) 1443 01:29:07,041 --> 01:29:08,676 - Bill? 1444 01:29:08,676 --> 01:29:11,279 I thought you said he was dead. 1445 01:29:18,319 --> 01:29:19,153 Ugh. 1446 01:29:40,508 --> 01:29:41,342 - Wait. 1447 01:29:48,616 --> 01:29:50,184 - Cheating man whore, you were never 1448 01:29:50,184 --> 01:29:52,286 that good in bed, anyway. 1449 01:29:53,454 --> 01:29:56,457 (heavy metal music) 1450 01:30:28,523 --> 01:30:31,793 - This is, um, Reverend Nathan Ashbury. 1451 01:30:31,793 --> 01:30:35,963 Um, about an hour ago, during our hour of empowerment, 1452 01:30:37,398 --> 01:30:40,635 the dead somehow got into our building. 1453 01:30:42,270 --> 01:30:44,939 They uh, they attacked my flock. 1454 01:30:47,208 --> 01:30:49,877 Um, dozens of God-fearing women, 1455 01:30:52,480 --> 01:30:53,981 men, and children, 1456 01:30:55,416 --> 01:30:59,420 were all attacked and eaten by those creatures. 1457 01:30:59,420 --> 01:31:00,888 The only reason that I made it out alive 1458 01:31:00,888 --> 01:31:02,623 was because I ended up making my way back 1459 01:31:02,623 --> 01:31:06,227 to my office and barricading myself in here. 1460 01:31:07,061 --> 01:31:08,796 I don't understand. 1461 01:31:08,796 --> 01:31:10,031 I don't get it. 1462 01:31:10,031 --> 01:31:12,333 I did everything that you asked me to do. 1463 01:31:12,333 --> 01:31:14,902 I, I don't, I don't understand. 1464 01:31:17,205 --> 01:31:18,539 I don't even know if we're live right now. 1465 01:31:18,539 --> 01:31:20,174 I don't know if anybody can see this, 1466 01:31:20,174 --> 01:31:21,576 if anybody's watching. 1467 01:31:21,576 --> 01:31:24,745 If they are, please, I implore you ... 1468 01:31:27,181 --> 01:31:29,016 What does it matter? 1469 01:31:29,016 --> 01:31:31,352 We're all doomed, it's over. 1470 01:31:32,787 --> 01:31:33,721 I love you. 1471 01:31:35,122 --> 01:31:38,626 I'm not so sure I can speak for the big guy anymore. 1472 01:31:38,626 --> 01:31:39,460 Be safe. 1473 01:31:41,462 --> 01:31:42,530 And good day. 1474 01:31:46,267 --> 01:31:48,703 (rock music) 1475 01:36:06,293 --> 01:36:10,464 ("Nice Boys" by Hollywood Dirtbags) 1476 01:38:59,700 --> 01:39:02,703 (death metal music) 1477 01:40:19,246 --> 01:40:21,915 (ominous music) 104777