Original subtitles

(mysterious music)

- Hello, brothers and sisters.

This is the Reverend Nathan Ashbury of the Divinity Church.

You know, a lot of people today are in a panic

of the recent resurrection of the dead,

and what this means to our future.

Well, as any good Christian knows,

this was prophesized long ago in the writings of

John for the book of Revelations.

This is our judgment day, and as long

as you've walked the line and been right with God,

you have nothing to fear.

Rejoice, as Jesus is coming at last.

And for those of you who have not let Christ

into your heart, it's not too late for you as well.

Repent your sins.

Let the spirit of God fill that empty void in your heart.

Return to the flock, my little lamb,

because Jesus loves you, and I love you.

Again, this is the Reverend Nathan Ashbury

of the Divinity Church.

Please join us every Wednesday and Sunday

on Channel 83, cable 12.

Christ be with you.

Be safe, and have a good day.

- Yep, that's how it's done, babe.

- Right.

- Now the old one-eyed wonder lizard's gotta spit.

- Douche bag.

I can't believe he dragged me all the way here for this.

(zombies growling)

(tense music)

- Holy shit, dead tits.

(zombies growling)

Oh shit.

- God damn it, Gilbert, can you hurry the fuck up?

I'm not trying to be out here all night.

Fucking douche bag.

What the fuck, stop playing around.

(woman screaming)

(Gilbert groaning)

(zombies growling)

(woman screams)

(zombies growling)

(woman gasps)

(woman screams)

(woman gasps)

(women laughing)

- Alright ladies, settle down,

the night is still young and we have to pace ourselves.

- Yeah, settle down, bitches.

We got all night to get our party on.

- Oh, God, I've been looking forward

to this get together all week.

The kids have been positively annoying.

"Mom, Vanessa has my dolly and she won't give it back."

Or "Mom, Riley is thumb-wrestling his wiener

"to Daddy's magazines again."

- God Lord, Molly, I know what you mean.

Little Billy has been running all over the house,

tell me everything he's going to be doing at camp this week.

- Well, it's his father's fault.

All those HBO shows he lets him watch with him,

each and every one of them filth.

- Hey, I like Game of Thrones.

- You gotta love HBO.

It doesn't matter if it's taking place in a castle

besieged by dragons, on in a town in the old west,

it's all about the fucking.

- Oh my God, Stacy, that is so not true.

You have no idea what you're talking about.

- Come on now, it's all garbage nowadays.

Teen moms, guidos, anorexic models,

fornication, it's all garbage.

- Hey Jenny, I was a teen mom and a model,

and I turned out alright.

- Yeah, you're a regular Rhodes scholar if I ever saw one.

You, your husband, and your kid shacking up with big sis?

I'd call that winning.

- You're such a cunt, Stacy.

- Born and bred, bitch.

- You wait and see when my agent calls me back

on the next Michael Bay movie.

You'll be looking at Hollywood's hottest new leading lady,

and my sweet little Bella will be right by my side.

- So Michael Bay is making porn now?

Sweet.

- You're like so not right in the head.

- Oh, my God, that is divine.

- I know, better than sex, right?

- Not better than sex with my man, I'll tell you that much.

Slade's got Ron Jeremy's cock

with the tongue of Gene Simmons.

- Hello, TMI, Stacy.

- No, too much information would be telling you

that one time, Slade diddled my cooter with a corn dog,

and then he ate that sumbitch.

- Jeezy birdbaths, that came out my nose.

- No lie, Slade had me so wet

the breading didn't even peel off the corn dog.

- Well, with that lovely image forever burned

into our brains, maybe it's time to change

the topic of conversation.

So Molly, how are you and Victor doing?

- I'm going to get cleaned up, guys.

(tense music)

- Oh, oh, oh God.

Get away, you pervs.

Oh God, oh God.

- Oh my God, guys, you'll never guess what I just saw.

- What is it, Molly?

What did you see?

- There are these men chasing this woman down the street,

except the men look dead, and the woman looked

like a man in a skirt, and I don't know,

we gotta go help her, or him, or, or whatever it was.

- Girl, have you been dipping into my weed stash?

- Now Stacy, I'm sure Molly's just a little confused.

It's probably just some drunks outside fooling around.

- I, I suppose so.

- Man, this shit's going to be off the hook.

Got your nipple (laughs).

- Indeed it will, my friend, indeed.

- I don't know, guys, I got a real bad feeling about this.

- Victor, Kalie was the hottest bitch back in high school.

Now if she is still just half as hot

as she was back then, imagine the entourage

she's going to have now.

- Are you guys deaf?

How many times do I have to tell you,

I don't care about that shit, I love Molly.

- No one is going to force you to do anything.

Just don't screw it up for the rest of us.

- Fine, let's get this over with.

- Come on, you wean bag, what are you worried about?

Seeing some tits?

Come on!

- What do you mother fuckers want?

- [Bill] Is this Kalie and Leroy's place?

- Bitch, do I look like Google Maps?

I don't know.

We came with that horny old bastard Lloyd.

- Oh God, make him stop.

Get him off, get him off.

Make him stop, get him off.

Spot, Spot!

No, bad dog.

(Spot barks)

Now what has Mama told you about humping strangers?

- Oh, it smells like he jizzed on your foot.

(Spot whines)

- Lady, what's up with your, uh, boyfriend?

- And he's not my boyfriend, he's my dog.

He was hit on the head when he was younger,

so he actually thinks he is a dog.

Aww, how can Mama stay mad at you?

Oh, you're such a good boy.

Yes you are, oh yes you are.

- Uh, we'll be leaving now.

We're sorry about interrupting whatever the hell this is.

- Yeah, whatever.

Come on boy, let's go back to the party.

- I'd do her.

- I told you we should have gone to Vegas, seeing hookers.

- Whatever.

- Ow!

- Victor, is that you?

Jesus, it is you.

- Hello, Kalie.

- I see you still got these two degenerates

dragging you around.

- Hey, Kalie, long time no blow.

- You.

- Hey, I don't recognize you without a dick in your mouth.

My dick.

- Well, how's this for you?

- Hey, Kalie, how you been?

- Come on in, you guys, join the party.

- I'd like to come in something.

- Well, you can't get herpes twice.

- Guys, this is going to be a freak show.

Let's just get out of here.

- Why don't we get in there, and get some poon?

- Victor, baby,

live a little.

Let's go find some.

- Come on, get the fuck in there.

(rock music)

Great googly moogly.

Look at those boobs.

Those are sweet boobs.

- Indeed they are, my friend.

- I really like boobs.

- Indeed they are.

- (sniffs) I don't smell that bad, do I?

- Well, Kalie, you certainly have

a very diverse group of people here tonight.

- Oh, absolutely.

We were in, I love ethnic people.

Well, come on, enjoy the party.

- Hey, remember that time she blew us?

- Indeed I do, my friend, indeed I do.

(overlapping talking)

- Spanks.

(girl squeals)

(overlapping talking)

- I got a tinkler like Henry Winkler.

E.

- Hey dude, how's it hanging?

- Baby pooped.

- Ugh, now that you mention it, I fucking smell it.

But you know what, it's nothing to be ashamed about.

You know, one time my girlfriend and I

went to go see Marky Mark, and we had these

really fucking rancid tacos,

and I had the apple squirts pretty fucking bad.

So I went to check, and you know what?

It was running off my fingers like a fucking waterfall.

And Marky Mark himself comes down from the stage

to give me a high fucking five.

And let's just say, he wasn't having

good vibrations after that.

- Change me, daddy.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I am not your fucking daddy,

but I will beat you like a stepchild.

(Tom yelps)

Ow.

You bitch baby.

- Bad man yell at baby.

(rock music)

- Holy shit, Dick Jizzler.

What the hell are you doing here?

I have all your movies, man.

Charlie's Anals, Duffy the Poontang Slayer, Robo-cock.

And my wife's all-time personal favorite,

When Harry Met Sally and Came on Her Tits.

- Yes, I like that one too.

It allowed me to flex my acting muscles as well as my

love muscle.

- I would be honored if I could have your autograph, sir.

- Kid, can't you see I'm busy with Yoko, here?

- My name's Monica.

- Don't ruin it, dim sung.

(Monica farts)

Ah, jism.

- Did you just snort wasabi?

- When I eat Asian, I have a little wasabi.

Want a hit?

- That's, that's okay, maybe

some other time.

- Just kick back, put your feet up, and relax, Molly.

That's what ladies' night is all about.

- You know what?

You guys are right.

All that stress with the kids and work

must be getting to me.

Well, I say no more.

No more stupid mother-in-laws telling me

how to make tuna casserole, neurotic chihuahuas

shitting in my favorite slippers,

little hell spawn running me ragged

or an oversexed husband trying to get me

to dress up so we can play gladiator.

Nope, on this day, I just want to drink

fruity alcoholic beverages, paint each others toenails,

and talk about boys, just like in high school.

- Yay, Molly!

Except, I really don't want to bang Kirk Cameron anymore.

He got like uber-creepy when he found Jesus.

- Well, hey there girl, why don't you

come give daddy some sugar?

- Baby, you're back!

I didn't think they'd let you til October.

- Ah, shit.

They got bigger fish to fry

than sticking it to the old Slade train.

Besides, I just roughed him up a little bit.

- A little?

Babe, you cracked a pool stick over his head.

- Now, in my defense, he invaded my personal bubble.

I was just defending myself.

- But did protecting yourself really merit you

taking a Corona bottle, shoving it up his ass,

parading him around the whole bar,

and saying, "Hey everybody look, its Sissy McPussypants."

- Abso-fucking-lutely, 100% necessary, darling.

Don't take shit from no one, that's my motto.

- Slade, did you happen to see anything

strange on your way here?

- Strange like what?

- Oh, I don't know, like anything out of the ordinary.

- Molly thinks she saw some zombies

chasing after some woman.

- Say what?

That's fucking sweet.

Wait, did you just say chasing?

God damn it, I hate that shit.

Give me old school Romero shamblers any day of the week.

- Well, not running exactly,

more like aggressive speed walking.

- Anyway, running zombies are for queers.

No, I didn't see anything out of the ordinary.

I think you ladies been hitting the bottle too hard tonight.

- Yes I, I suppose that's it.

- Well, ladies, I hate to drop a sausage bomb

on your estrogen parade, but uh,

my little lady's kitten is purring, if you know what I mean.

So I'ma take her upstairs,

'bout 20 minutes,

then we'll come back down and watch us The Notebook

and have us all a good cry.

- Well, shit babe, let me grab that corn dog

and I'll be right behind you.

- Well, in that case, we'll be five minutes.

- Please don't ruin my good sheets,

just use the children's room.

- Aw, shit.

How am I suppose to get my pecker hard

looking at Twilight posters and Barbie dolls?

- Baby, you could get your pecker hard

watching Clint Howard take a sponge bath.

- Now, I will not have you speaking ill of him,

that man is a goddamn national treasure.

I don't think I want to unleash the kraken on you now.

- I'm sorry, daddy.

I think I need a spanking.

- Oh, you're going to get it

for talking shit about the master.

(tense music)

- Megan dear, do you happen to know

if Stacy has been over at the house at all recently?

- I don't know, Jenny, I've been keeping busy

with my Zuma classes, so I haven't been home much.

Why are you asking?

- Oh, I was just curious to know

if she'd come over to hang out with you.

- Uh, yeah right, Jenny,

'cause Stacy and I have always been BFFs.

- Well, I just thought that maybe

she'd come over to hang out.

- Like, what would we even do together?

Go mudding and watch those icky hobos on Duck Dynasty?

- I suppose you wouldn't.

- OMG, you think he's cheating, don't you?

- Hey, I didn't say that.

- No, but you're obviously thinking it.

And with Stacy?

Hello, ew, she's like Larry the Cable Guy with a vagina.

- Well,

I just found this.

This is Bill's business card.

It fell out of Stacy's pocket.

She dropped it on the step.

- That's all?

- Look, I know that sounds odd,

but it's got Bill's personal cellphone number on it,

and he never gives it out to anyone.

He doesn't even let me use it.

My God, he's cheating on me (crying).

(rock music)

- One hundred percent all beef.

- Oh, naughty explorer, you.

(toilet flushes)

- Damn enchiladas.

Whew.

So, what did I miss?

- Oh my God, Molly, Jenny thinks Bill and Stacy

are having an affair.

(Jenny cries)

- Jenny, why would you think a thing like that?

Just because we met through our husbands

doesn't mean we're not friends.

Stacy would never do something like that.

- I agree.

I mean, Stacy is one skanky ass slam pig,

but she wouldn't fuck Bill.

- That bastard, I can't believe

he did this to me and the kids.

- So what if she had his business card?

Maybe she was just seeking legal advice.

- Yeah, right.

He advised her right out of those ratty ass panties.

- Really?

Megan, she's your sister.

- Well, excuse me for speaking the truth.

- Just wait til Stacy comes down,

and we'll all talk it out.

- After she finishes going down, you mean.

(Jenny cries)

- Slap my ass and call me Tom Selleck.

Ooh.

(Stacy moans)

(woman coughing)

- [Man] What the fuck, honky bitch?

- I can't believe the kinky fuck bit me.

- Oh, so it's not period blood.

(woman coughing)

(death metal music)

- Ah, shit.

Aw, what the fuck?

(man screams)

- Asshole.

- I'll take that.

Fucking bear.

- What'd that bear ever do to you?

- I don't like bears, okay?

- Bears are manly.

- Nicolai, bad man yell at me.

- This party's different for sure,

but it's also kind of awesome.

You know who I just ran into?

Dick Jizzler.

- The Fantastic Whore?

Rise of the Silver Squirter?

That very same Dick Jizzler?

- The very one.

He was sitting right on this couch.

- Man, I always wanted to be like that guy when I grew up.

- We all did, my friend, we all did.

- Oh (farts).

Fuck, what was in that crab dip?

Uh, oh God, I hope it's not the Marky Mark incident again.

Where's the shitter?

(mysterious music)

(Tom farts)

Well, this isn't the shitter.

Well, hello ladies.

What are your names?

- I'm Inga.

- I'm Ilsa.

- [Both] We're sisters.

- Are you now?

How very West Virginia of you.

- [Both] Vhat?

- Nevermind.

Please, continue.

Kissing.

- [Both] We will give you the pleasure.

- Tonight I'm ordering off the take-out menu,

'cause I'm about to eat out.

- Gentlemen, I have a certain blast from the past

that would like to say hello.

- Holy shit, number 27 himself.

- Hey boys.

- How the hell have you been, man?

- You know me, I've been keeping busy.

- Last time I saw you was at the, uh,

big championship game.

Oh, dude, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to

bring up any bad memories.

- No no no, I'm not offended.

In fact, if it wasn't for that little incident,

I never would have married my little angel here.

- Aw, baby.

You have such sweet pillow talk.

I can't wait to ride your face later.

- Mm, I'm going to blow that pussy up

like a Taco Bell shitter on two for one night.

- It was certainly great catching up with y'all,

but we really ought to be leaving now.

- Victor, what the hell are you doing, we just got here.

- Look look.

I got handcuffs.

- Whoa, hey, whoa.

- Lay down.

- I usually got to pay extra for this.

- Right here, Inga.

- What, hey.

- It doesn't hurt if you hold still.

- Ow, you cunt.

Ow, you can't close me like a suitcase.

- Yes, we can.

- We will.

- The dick?

- Oh, I will get.

- The dick?

What dick?

Oh my Goooooooooooood!

Whoa, what, hey, I'm an exit only kind of guy.

I will cunt punch both of you.

Get that thing away from my butt hole.

No, not my (yelps).

Oh, hey, wha ...

Ooh.

(death metal music)

- Ilsa, no (screams).

(Ilsa screams)

- Oh, my tit.

(Ilsa screaming)

(indistinct)

- Oh, what a waste of great tits.

- Oh, uh, die.

- Yeah, kick his ass, that's what you get for

not letting me come come, you dick.

- Hello, brothers and sisters,

this is Reverend Nathan Ashbury of The Divinity Church,

and I have a question for you.

Why are you so shocked the dead are returning?

Why are you so shocked they are devouring the living?

You were warned about this.

It's right here, right in the Good Book in black and white.

This is because of your sinful lifestyle,

your premarital relations.

You promoted and embrace same-sex marriage.

You've desecrated your bodies with tattoos and piercings.

You have no care for your fellow man.

And now, God is cleaning house.

This is a mighty purge.

The seven seals have all been opened.

All seven trumpeteers can be heard in the distance.

And that sound is getting louder and louder.

Repent.

Repent for your sins before it is too late.

Jesus loves you, and I love you.

Again, this is the Reverend Nathan Ashbury

of The Divinity Church.

Please join us every Wednesday and Sunday

on channel 83, cable 12.

Christ be with you.

Be safe,

and have a good day.

- Yeah, hop aboard the old Slade train.

Whoo, whoo!

- Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh, fuck my monkeypuss.

- Oh, yeah.

The Sladenator's going to tear through your baleen.

(Stacy moans)

- Oh, di-di-di-di-di-dig-suh.

(Stacy yells)

- Oh, baby, that was amazing.

- Man, I haven't been fucked like that in four months.

- But, you went to prison six months ago.

- Uh, yeah.

That's what I said.

I haven't been fucked like that in six months.

And look, monkeypuss.

- Ha, I came twice actually.

So, um, what are you bitches gossiping about behind my back?

Oh, it's on, bitch.

I'm going to shove my foot up your goody-two-shoes twat.

(rock music)

Don't pull my hair, you fucking pussy.

(indistinct)

- What's all this finger banging?

(women grunting)

- You screwed my husband, you whore.

- Oh, Molly, you want some?

- Clint Howard in Carnosaur.

(porno music)

Yeah, Clint Howard in Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 and 5.

(porno music)

Clint Howard in Leprechaun 2.

- Slade, you've got to help me break them up.

Slade, snap out of it.

Help me before someone gets hurt.

(Slade chokes)

- Baby.

Stop, stop, stop.

God, stop it, stop it.

Damn, baby, why y'all fighting now?

- She started it.

- You screwed my husband, you whore.

- Are you kidding me?

Bill's like the biggest asshole on this planet.

I wouldn't touch him with a stolen pussy.

- Then why did I find this.

It fell out of your back pocket.

Bill never gives out his personal cellphone number,

not even to his own mother.

- Oh my God, guys, what time is it?

You're making me miss my stories.

In this one, Hector finds out that

Maria's been cheating on him with his twin brother Jorge,

who's part of the cartel, and we also find out

who ate the quesadilla.

Dios mio.

- We interrupt this program to bring you a special bulletin.

There are bloodthirsty and violent ghouls

all over the area of Martinsburg.

Stay in your homes.

I repeat, stay in your homes or in your offices.

Do not attempt to talk to them.

Do not have sexual relations.

Their saliva, their semen, their vaginal secretions

can infect you permanently.

It's worse than Ebola.

You must stay inside.

Do not let any of these ghouls come anywhere near you.

Even the CDC, I don't know what that stands for,

but even they in Atlanta have failed miserably.

We now take you to Washington D.C.,

to the President of the United States of America.

- What the hell's this shit?

Nobody every interrupts Mickin Stories.

What the hell, it's on every fucking channel.

Ugh.

- My fellow Americans,

today has become a reality

for things that were once thought to be impossible.

We have a new enemy on the home front.

This enemy is ruthless, cruel,

deadly, and non-discriminatory.

It can and will attack both male and female,

young or old, as well as our four-legged friends.

This enemy is known as the undead.

It can mask itself as close friends,

relatives, or even pets.

There are specific signs to look for

in identifying this enemy, but simply put,

it is anything that is dead, but is still moving.

If you should encounter this enemy,

do not run or hide, but instead fight.

Fight for your right to survive,

just as our forefathers have done.

For that is the only way to defend yourself

against this threat.

Use any means possible to restrain,

decapitate, and destroy

the host brain.

Today,

you as the fighters and gallant warriors

defending this great nation

are writing a new chapter in the history books.

God be with you, your families,

and the citizens of this great nation.

Thank you, and God bless these United States of America.

- This is Mel Brooks signing off for Channel 4.

I'll be in my elitist, exclusive,

very expensive bomb shelter if anybody's looking for me,

but don't come in unless you've got a lot of money,

or you're a hot non-male.

Or a hot male.

Thank you.

- See guys, I told you, I fucking know what I saw.

And I'm not crazy.

But I did get in your stash.

But I'm not crazy.

- No way.

They're probably like neo-Nazis on bath salts or something.

- Whatever those things are,

we need to board up the windows

and secure the doors before they get in.

Stacy, you go get me nails and a hammer from the garage

and see if Bill has any plywood in there.

Jenny, do you know if Bill has a gun in the house?

- I don't know, maybe somewhere in the study.

Maybe.

- Jenny, seriously, how do you not know

if your husband has a firearm?

- Jeez, Molly, when did you become such

Miss Know-it-all about guns?

- Damn it, Jenny, think.

Have you ever seen Bill with a gun?

- Don't you ever raise your voice at me, Molly.

Do you understand, little girl?

- Look, princess, in about five minutes

those things are going to break in here

and paint your pretty Persian rugs red with your blood.

So, unless you have something useful to say,

shut your mouth and stay out of my way.

I guess that means you're done now?

Good, now go me some knives or something we can use

as weapons since you don't know

if there's a gun in your own house.

- Would you get a move on, boy.

I swear to God you are slower than snail snot.

Ain't nothing like being out

in the great outdoors, huh Dolph?

Smell of pine trees.

Fresh unspoiled air blowing through your hair.

And my number one nephew here to enjoy it all with me.

I'm telling you, man, nothing beats this.

- Honestly, Uncle Walt, all I'm getting

out of this nature walk is just

the smell of deer shit and the mosquitoes biting my ass.

And look, it's hot as balls, man.

Come on, I got armpit sweat.

- Man, where is your sense of adventure, boy?

Hell, my father and his father before him,

they used to live off of this land completely.

They used to hunt their own food,

they used to build their homes.

Hell, when they wanted to entertain themselves,

they would just sit around

and tell good old-fashioned campfire stories.

- That's cool, but um, I'd rather be on a beach.

This is the 21st century, come on.

I want to see babes in bikinis.

- Son, how many times do I got to tell you,

the beach is for those uppity butt-tards from the city.

I went to the beach once, and this uh

deep-fried tanned twat had the nerve

to try to tell me I couldn't hunt there.

- You know Aunt Beatrice told me what happened, right?

That was not the beach, man, that was Sea World.

- The same goddamn thing, boy.

I still can't believe they called the law on me.

- It's Sea World!

You shot a dolphin, a trained dolphin!

- Because that shifty fuck was coming up

out of the water at me, trying to Pearl Harbor my ass.

- That's part of the act, you know that.

Like, it's supposed to jump through a hoop,

and you shot it in the face, brains splattered

all over the special-ed kids sitting in the front, man.

- (laughs) You're goddamn right I did.

I blew Flipper straight to fishy hell.

Alright look, enough of all this, that's beside the point.

We gotta get going, get to the crick

before it gets too late.

(relaxed music)

- Holy shit, Uncle Walt, I can see her cooter.

Oh, this is the best vacation ever.

This is better than Hooters.

- What'd I tell you, boy?

That there is Bear Beaver, nymph goddess of the crick.

- Oh my God, I love you Uncle Walt.

Look at her, man, those titties, their so good.

- You know, I love you too, boy.

I really hope this makes up for the fact

that your parents named you Dolph.

- Why'd you have to mention that, man?

These, these kids would punch me in the balls

and be like, I will break you.

But you know, you know what?

Let's just admire the sight.

Look at that, man, she's.

(branch cracking)

Holy fuck, what was that?

- Probably her husband, Big Bear, coming to kick our asses.

I'll go have a look-see.

You enjoy the scenery.

I swear to God that boy's going to

pull his pecker clean off one of these days.

(Dolph masturbating)

Come on, Big Bear, where the hell are you?

We're just looking at your woman.

We're just looking.

God damn.

I need to find a place to take a dump.

- Oh my God.

Oh, yeah.

Oo, hoo hoo hoo.

Breath.

(zombie growling)

(Walt yelling)

(tense music)

Oh, God.

My God.

(Walt yelling)

Oh, fucking shit.

(Dolph yelling)

(Dolph yelling incoherently)

(dramatic music)

- Oh my God.

(indistinct)

(yelling)

- Ew, Richard Simmons, that's one ugly son of a bitch.

I'm getting out of here.

- Oh, shit.

Wait a minute, I think I fucked that guy in prison.

- What?

- I meant, I meant I fucked him up real good, baby.

Ooh, looks like he ate some bad carnitas.

(Jenny whimpering)

Hey, baby, hang on.

Yeah, you ever been skull fucked, boy?

Well, you're about to be, vaminos.

- What the hell's going on?

- One of those dirty hippy zombies is out there

and Slade's with it.

We gotta help him.

(zombie growls)

- You're a feisty one.

I remember.

Come on, baby.

- Slade, catch.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(Slade yells)

- Oh baby, are you okay?

You're going to get an infection.

- Ooh, it's in.

Oh it's in.

Baby, pull it out.

(Slade yells)

Fucking butt loving.

(zombie growls)

(Spot whimpers)

(loud farting)

- What's the matter, boy?

Your master go and leave you all alone?

I know how you feel.

What the hell am I doing,

talking to a grown man in a dog mask?

You pay yourself for something?

No, seriously, what happened to your master?

Looks like there's a mystery to be solved.

Lead on, Scoob.

Where we going, boy, where you taking me?

- Holy shit.

Boy, what happened?

Tell me, what did this, some kind of animal?

(zombie growls)

(Spot barking)

(death metal music)

Are you okay, boy?

We have to get back inside and warn the others.

- Ilsa, no!

(death metal music)

(Tom farts and yells)

- Ah, lick the ass, don't bite it!

What the fuck?

- Tom, I'm here to save you.

- Victor, help.

This rug muncher's eating my ass, and it hurts!

(Inga screams)

God, Victor, I'm not going to make it.

Do me a favor.

Tell Bill I always loved him.

Wait, there's one more thing.

Victor, I always hated you.

Fuck you, you're a dick.

Aah, ugh, I'm dead.

- This is the worst fucking party ever.

- I told you we should have left when the panda got fucked.

- How the fuck was I supposed to know

this was going to happen?

(pounding on door)

Oh shit.

She's dead.

I was going to fuck her.

Tom was getting her ready for me.

Oh.

Ilsa, too.

(Tom groans)

- Now I'm really dead.

- Yeah, that bitch over there was eating his ass.

Look, he had something that he was going to

say to you before he died.

- Does it look like I care right now?

Wait a minute.

Did you fucking kill her?

She wasn't even turned yet.

- How was I supposed to know that?

- You fucking killed a human being.

- I got caught up in the moment, sue me.

- I am a lawyer, and I will sue you as soon as

whatever the fuck this is is all done and gone.

Look, we have one option.

There are two of us.

- Three of us.

- What do you mean?

- Spot is still out there.

- I'm not taking that freak on a leash with us.

- Spot saved our asses.

He's the one who warned us about these undead motherfuckers.

- I'm giving you this one.

After that, don't ask for anything else.

There are three of us.

The car's directly out front.

We wade through these hipster motherfuckers,

get in the car, and get out of here.

- Alright, on three?

- Let's roll.

- One.

Two.

Three.

(Tom groans)

- Now I'm really dead.

(death metal music)

(intestines squelching)

(man groaning)

(zombie growling)

- Come on, we gotta split this spit.

Come on, you too.

Here, have some fresh bing king buck.

(woman screams)

I gotta get the fuck out of here.

An hour later, they're gonna be hungry again.

(Dick yells)

I never got to finish

21 Fuck Street.

- Oh shit babe, we're screwed now.

(woman yelling indistinctly)

(woman screaming)

- You've got the herpes.

Choke on it!

(woman screaming)

- [Man] Uh, save my baby.

I gotta.

(death metal music)

- I have the power!

(sword swishing)

(zombies moaning)

- Shit.

They got Dick Jizzler.

Now I'll never see 21 Fuck Street.

- At least they got cupcakes.

- Fuck your cupcakes.

Batter up, Blondie.

- You freak shit.

Send her back to the Gipper, Victor.

(Spot barks)

- Great party, Kalie.

(Spot barks)

That is for giving me gonorrhea on

the Dutch Wonderland field trip, bitch.

Last one to nail ya, motherfucker.

- We need to get to our wives, fast.

They've got not way to defend themselves.

- No we don't.

What we need to do is go to my uncle's place.

He was one of those Y2K weirdos.

He's got this underground bunker.

It's stocked with AK-47s.

I'm pretty sure there was a bazooka

the last time I was there.

Uh, lots of bottled water.

This freeze-dried food that the astronauts eat.

I say we go there, watch my Dick Jizzler collection,

eat ice cream you can eat in space,

and just wait for this whole thing to blow over.

- Unbelievable.

Just when I thought you couldn't sink any lower.

What about Jenny?

- Fuck Jenny.

All she cares about is my paycheck and what I buy her.

- What about Megan?

Don't you think she deserves to know what happened to Tom?

- Tom is dead, he's not coming back.

She's going to get over it, and when she does,

I'm going to be there with a warm comforting hand.

- Uh huh, yeah, he was your best friend,

and now you're already thinking about screwing his wife.

- We move on.

It's called life.

- Alright, you may be a selfish prick,

but I know you love your kids,

so how 'bout your children?

- Those I do love.

- Then let's go rescue them.

- Okay.

Who the fuck is mowing their lawn?

(Spot barks)

- Uh, hey.

Been in here, oh I don't even know how long.

All I know is,

everything's gone,

and you know, the water's gone.

I have this one container of cat food.

I, yes, it's cat food, I'm not making this up.

I'm stuck in here with fucking cat food,

and you know, I, I thought that you know

being out here, and being able to be

locked away with the things that I love,

this is my DVDs, this is like my favorite stuff

in the whole world, it's my movies

and all this kind of stuff,

but thing is like, it's really not that,

it's not really that, not that exciting.

You know, it gets pretty boring in here,

and especially when you're in here starving to death

and you have nothing, and let me tell you.

Since I've run out of water, there is nothing to,

you know, I'm trying to keep positive for the videos,

and I'm trying to keep positive because I know you guys,

some of you guys out there still care who have the ability,

and I don't want to come off like a total fucking asshole,

but I'm pretty angry right now, you know,

because things are not looking so well for me.

Coolduder's probably coming to his close.

I have, like I said, there's no water left.

I've got this fucking cat food left,

and here's what I'm going to have to drink.

I've resorted, and the color is terrible,

you can tell that I'm extremely fucking dehydrated,

and in pretty bad shape, I've resorted

to having to do a pretty disgusting thing,

which is collect my own urine.

And I'll taste in on camera

to show you guys what it's like, so.

Ugh, oh.

Oh that, that's not,

I can't be a,

Costner and drink.

Uh, Jesus, and here's this, the cat food.

Let's see what this is like.

Oh, this is really bad.

You know, they say,

ew.

God damn it.

They say,

you're so hungry you're just going to eat anything.

Well, I'm not going to go on, just eat any fucking thing.

I don't give a fuck, I don't care that much.

I'm not happy.

Maybe I'll check back with you guys again, I don't know.

- Alright, come on.

- Goddamn, that hurts.

- Come on, come on.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- What the fuck?

- Oh my God.

(zombies growling)

(tense music)

- Can we make it to the car?

- No, the thing is swarming with them,

we'd never stand a chance.

- We're all seriously going to die.

I can't believe this.

Bad things should never happen to pretty people.

Why couldn't it have been that fugly Sean

from next door and his fatty wife?

Bet it would have been if they weren't

bankrupting the blue things in town.

It's just so stupid.

- God, same old Megan, right to the bitter fucking end.

- Hey, don't talk about my sister like that.

- Jenny, what about that shed?

- What about it?

- Would Bill have anything in there that we can use?

- Yeah, maybe.

You think we can make it?

- Only one way to find out.

Baby doll, it's been a real gas,

but I'm just going to slow you ladies down.

- [Stacy] No Slade, don't you dare talk like that.

We'll all go together.

- See, this is why I love you.

You're stubborn as a mule but beautiful as a Georgia sunset.

(zombies growling)

Come and get it, you undead sons of bitches.

I got some grade A all-American beef for you right here.

You got front row tickets to the gun show.

(squirrel chattering)

(Slade screams)

- [Both] Oh my God.

(indistinct)

- Oh, Slade!

(Slade groaning)

But he was always so fond of little critters.

(squirrel chattering)

- It's okay, I'm alright.

(squirrel chattering)

(Slade screaming)

(overlapping talking)

(crunching)

(death metal music)

(Slade choking)

(squirrel chattering)

(zombies growling)

- Eat this, you zombie cock suckers.

(weed eater revving)

(Megan screaming)

(Molly laughs)

(zombie groans)

- Come on, let's see what these bitches are up to.

Fucking whore of a sister better save some hot water,

I gotta pretty up a little bit.

(zombie growls)

Hey, Stu, how you doing?

Hola, Alejandro, how's it hanging?

(death metal music)

- Got it, Molly.

- Fucking piece of shit.

- Let's go, bitch.

I gotta do more cardio.

(squirrel chattering)

Zombie squirrel!

- That's for mouth raping my man!

(engine revs and sputters)

- Fabulous, this could be useful.

Can we get out of here now?

- Come on, come on, not now!

- Jenny, what's wrong?

- I don't know, it won't start.

- Maybe it's the starter or the transmission or something.

(Jenny crying)

- Jenny, calm down.

- I can't believe I'm going to die

in this piece of shit car.

I was supposed to be rich and famous,

lounging on a beach in Venice,

being served drinks by hot guys named Giovanni.

Bella was going to be home-schooled

and we'd live the good life.

- Megan, shut the hell up, or I'm going to

toss you out of this car to get eaten.

- Go ahead and try it, clam diver.

- Guys, I think we can make a run for it.

- I could have gotten away if my new sugar daddy

would have gotten me that car he promised.

- I can't believe you're cheating on Tom.

He would die for you, Megan.

- God, you're so blind.

Little Miss Perfect Jenny.

Mom and Dad always thought you were perfect, too.

I could come home and tell them

I made the cheerleading squad, and they'd say

"hopefully you'll be half as good as Jenny."

- What are you talking about?

- You're so fucking naive.

I mean, have you even met Tom and seen how hairy he is?

I don't even know what I was thinking.

- We are about to die.

Why are you saying these things?

- Because if we are going to die,

I need you to know that Stacy isn't sleeping with Bill,

I am.

- I told you, bitch.

- I can't believe you.

I don't even know you anymore.

- I don't care what any of you think of me.

I've never been more happy than

these past six months with Bill.

For once in my life, someone is actually focusing on me

and not little Jenny.

For once, you lose!

- [Both] Damn.

- You know what, I don't need any of you.

I've never needed anyone, I'm not going to start now.

Stupid child safety lock.

- Megan, wait!

She'll never make it.

We have to go after her.

- Just leave me here.

I've nothing to live for.

- Look, regardless of what you did,

you're still my baby sister,

and I'm sorry you felt that way.

I love you.

- What are y'all doing?

This looks like my kind of party.

- Jessica, you're still alive.

How have you been surviving?

- Surviving what?

Fuck it, let's party.

Whoo!

(zombie growls)

Well hey there, big boy, you look like just my type.

Oh, daddy, I like it rough, oh.

Oh, harder, harder.

Oh, use your teeth.

(zombie growls)

- Ladies.

Your savior has arrived.

Come here, gorgeous.

(Bill groans)

What the hell are you doing?

We came here to rescue you, you ungrateful bitch.

- I want a divorce.

- What do you want?

- That's for calling my sister a bitch.

And you sir can kiss this fabulous ass goodbye.

- [Both] Damn.

- We showed him, didn't we, sis?

- You know it.

- Ah, Spot.

Everyone turned against me.

You're the last one.

I knew you'd never leave, wait, what are you,

what the fuck, no!

No, Spot, stop!

(choking)

Stop.

What kind of, come on.

- You just got knocked the fuck out, biatch.

And pissed on.

That's what you get.

- Thank God you're alive.

I thought I'd never see you again.

- Where's Tom?

- Oh my God, Victor, the children.

We have to get to them.

- Don't worry.

Vanessa and Riley are really smart kids.

I'm sure they've locked themselves

in one of those cabins by now.

- I just couldn't bear if we lost them.

- Molly, I swear to you, I will not let that happen.

- As long as everyone's done kicking my ass now,

can we please come up with a plan?

- So what do you have in mind?

- Look, I know those woods like the back of my hand.

Now regardless of what all of you feel about me

at this moment, I love my kids

just as much as you love yours.

- As much as I hate to say it, he's right.

Bill's taken the kids camping there before.

- Well, I guess if he's our best chance

to get our families back,

I can tolerate the douche bag.

- Can't you just feel the love.

- Enough with the bullshit, Bill, let's go.

(zombie growling)

- Freaky douche bags, see what I got in my puddy bag.

Two against one isn't fair.

Oh God, I'm not ready.

(yelling indistinctly)

- Holy crap, is that a transgender little person

carrying a battle ax being chased by the undead?

- Uh, yeah.

I'd still hit it.

- Yeah.

- Oh wow, Dick Jizzler.

Thanks for the wheels, cock sucker.

- Less noise means less zombies.

We walk from here on out.

- Look, in all likelihood, they're camped

about a quarter mile up north by the creek.

What we're going to have to do is go in quiet,

get the kids, get the fuck out.

- Well, I don't see any zombies,

but that doesn't mean anything.

Hopefully they just haven't wandered out this far yet.

What we need to do is--

- If you're getting ready to say we need to split up,

I have to say it's a terrible idea.

It never works out well for people like me.

- No, Megan, I have seen enough monster movies

to know that that is a fucking horrible idea.

What I was going to say, is somebody needs

to stay with the car and keep it running.

- Megan, maybe you should stay here with the truck

and keep it ready for us.

- No way.

After all we've been through,

I am not letting you out of my sight.

- Victor, I think you should be

the one to stay with the truck.

- What, no, I'm coming with you.

I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to you.

- Sweety, you have no training.

I mean, you couldn't even open up a Swiss army knife,

let alone bash a zombie's head in.

- We did alright for ourselves before we met up with y'all.

- But sweetie, you weren't trained for combat like I was.

And I'm afraid that if we do run into some trouble,

I'll be too busy keeping you safe

instead of taking care of business.

- I promise you, proper training or not,

if one or a thousand of those undead son of a bitches

gets between us and the kids,

I will send each and every single one of them

back to the grave.

- But Victor--

- Don't argue with me, Molly, I'm coming with you.

- Super, wonderful, awesome.

I'm so glad that we all love each and every one of us

and no man left behind and all that bullshit.

But before we start giving each other hand jobs,

can we please come up with a goddamn decision.

- For the record Bill, nobody loves you, you piece of shit.

- I distinctly-- - Tom loved you.

- That was at camp-- - Oh no, you fucking.

- 15 years ago, everyone that goes experiments.

(overlapping talking)

(Spot barking)

- What is it, boy?

(Spot barks)

Do you want to stay with the car?

- I think he does.

- Now that we have that sorted out,

can we please get a move on?

- If you see anything, just bark.

(Spot barks)

(zombies moaning)

- Oh no, we're too late.

- Don't jump to any conclusions, Jenny.

I don't see any blood.

They probably got out before it got too bad.

- What's our move?

- There's too many of them on the bridge.

We'll never make it through.

- Son of a bitch, he's right.

The only option we have

is to go through the creek and around 'em.

- And we kill them, every last one of them,

until we get our babies back.

(ominous music)

(women scream)

- [Both] Jism.

(conch sounding)

(tense music)

- Oh my God, Bill!

- You gotta be fucking kidding me.

- Is that a fucking merman?

- I'm coming to meet you, Tom.

(death metal music)

No, no, no.

I can't, no, I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no.

- Got my ticket for the penis mullet.

(zombie groaning)

What in the ...

Dios mio.

What in the cat side cosmos?

Don't eat me, bro.

You look like a vagina, and I hate vaginas,

'cause they look like Willem Dafoe.

(zombie growling)

- Hi, room service?

I'd like a bottle of your freshest wine, please.

And two plastic cups.

Stryo, yeah, styrofoam's good.

Okay, thank you.

(zombie growling)

(loud thump on door)

- You know, it's about fucking time.

(zombie yells wordlessly)

(death metal music)

Take her!

(woman screams)

(death metal music)

(Megan screams)

- Babe, I'm coming!

(zombie growls)

(women screaming)

- Victor, look out!

(Victor yells)

- Ah, get off.

- [Molly] Oh my God.

- Is everybody okay?

- I think so.

Wow, holy crap, the hot chick lived!

- Typical Megan.

Where's Bill?

- I'm sorry, sis, he didn't make it.

- Huh.

- I'm so proud of you baby, are you okay?

You were so brave.

We have to go find out where the kids went, let's go.

Victor, is that zombie blood?

Answer me, damn it, is that your blood?

- I'm afraid so.

- Well, it's just a tiny bite.

That doesn't mean that that could turn you into one of them.

- I think it's already happening.

- Oh, no no no, baby, don't you die on me.

- Molly, I love you so much.

I don't want to forget what you and the kids

have meant to me.

I want the last thing that I ever see in this world

to be your beautiful face.

Hey, I want to love you with my dying breath,

just as much as I loved you on our wedding day.

- I'm so worried.

(somber music)

- I'm sorry.

- Come on, let's go get our kids.

- Come on, Raoul.

We were supposed to be finished over an hour ago,

and I haven't eaten anything all day.

Well, food that is.

- Hold your horses, missy.

I don't pay you by the hour.

I pay you for your vajay-jay,

which, I will remind you, is mine for the day,

so I will control when you get to leave,

when you get to eat,

and when you are getting fucked.

This is probably that bastard's way

of getting back at me.

He's been trying to get revenge ever since

I convinced him to act in that Sam Ritter movie.

What am I going to do?

- How does Jizzler still get work, anyway?

He's like a dinosaur.

- Watch your tone, missy.

He is a dinosaur

with a brontosaurus for a cock.

I would do anything for a taste.

Anything.

- Megan Mounds doesn't wait for anyone.

If he's not here in five minutes, I'm out of here.

My talents can be used elsewhere.

(pounding on door)

- There you are, you bastard.

What the hell's wrong with you?

You smell like taco meat and hotdog water.

Bastard, what the hell?

(man screaming)

- Ah, no no no no no, I changed my mind.

I don't, I don't want a taste.

- I'm too sexy to be killed.

(Megan screams)

- [Jenny] Megan, no.

(death metal music)

(Stacy gasps)

- Whoo!

(zombie growling)

(women yelling)

- Are you okay?

- I think so.

- What the fuck was that?

Who the fuck does that?

Man, I beat the fuck up that motherfucker, man.

Hey baby, you think that motherfucker was sick?

Man, the fuck.

I hope you ready for round two,

sure 'bout to beat that pussy, yeah.

Man, I'm tired of this shit, man.

She better hurry the motherfuck up.

Baby, you better hurry in there, man.

Come back down here and wake me up, surprise me.

Surprise me.

(tense music)

- Ah, bitch, ah, get the fuck, ah.

Fuck, ah.

(death metal music)

(tense music)

- Oh, where are they?

(Stacy crying)

- Jenny, look.

Guys, come here.

- You guys, look, the kids are alive.

It says they were evacuated to Fort Detrick.

- Fort Detrick's over an hour away.

- Then we leave now.

- There must be a million zombies

between here and Fort Detrick.

- Then God help every last one of them.

- Oh guys, things are not good.

Things are not good at all.

Right behind the fucking door,

I don't know if you can hear it,

these things are out there.

The fucking zombies are right outside the fucking door,

coming in here, gonna,

this is probably going to be the last

fucking video that you see of me,

and I hope you've enjoyed me,

watch all these goddamn spooky movies

and I've been stuck in this fucking worm lef.

I'm in here with no, with power still on,

still fucking power, and the zombies

are fucking beating on the goddamn door.

Oh shit.

(Coolduder screams)

- Bill?

I thought you said he was dead.

Ugh.

- Wait.

- Cheating man whore, you were never

that good in bed, anyway.

(heavy metal music)

- This is, um, Reverend Nathan Ashbury.

Um, about an hour ago, during our hour of empowerment,

the dead somehow got into our building.

They uh, they attacked my flock.

Um, dozens of God-fearing women,

men, and children,

were all attacked and eaten by those creatures.

The only reason that I made it out alive

was because I ended up making my way back

to my office and barricading myself in here.

I don't understand.

I don't get it.

I did everything that you asked me to do.

I, I don't, I don't understand.

I don't even know if we're live right now.

I don't know if anybody can see this,

if anybody's watching.

If they are, please, I implore you ...

What does it matter?

We're all doomed, it's over.

I love you.

I'm not so sure I can speak for the big guy anymore.

Be safe.

And good day.

(rock music)

("Nice Boys" by Hollywood Dirtbags)

(death metal music)

(ominous music)