Original subtitles

That was good, Lucy.

Want some more? I have eight or nine pieces left in the kitchen.

No, three's my limit.

Well, I guess I better go put on a new face.

Yeah, me too.

Say, did you see that little polka dot dress at Orbach's, the one with the

ruffled collar? Wasn't that the cutest thing you've ever seen?

What's that for?

Well, I'm always hoping that this time will be the charm.

What do you mean?

Ethel keeps going out to put on a new face, but she always comes back with the

old one.

Well, you know how women are. Yeah.

If Lucy doesn't have any lipstick on, she thinks she's naked.

Naked? Yeah, you know, not wearing a thin... A thin what?

Clothes, clothes, clothes.

Naked. Not wearing no thin clothes.

Me neither.

Same old one.

Same old one here, too.

What are they talking about?

I don't know, but whatever... is ours aren't young enough.

We were just teasing you, honey, because you said you were going to go in and

put on a new face and you didn't.

Oh, asshole, did you ever wish there was something else to marry besides men?

Awful.

Well, what are we going to do tonight besides sit around and sneer at each

other? Shall I look in the paper? Yeah.

I better call Jerry.

Wouldn't it be quicker to look in the paper?

This is something else.

I'm having some trouble finding some Apache. Apache dancers for my show.

Apache dancers?

Yeah.

Lucy!

What? Not that kind, honey. It's for the Parisian number.

Oh. The French kind.

A French Indian?

Oui, oui.

Oui, oui, oui, oui.

No, no, Lucy. You know where the tough Frenchman grabs the girl by the hair and

throws her over his shoulder and slams her down on the floor and steps on her.

and you think you can do the dance, right?

Right. Well, honey, you don't have to go into all this routine.

I don't? No, honey. All you have to do is just come out and ask me.

Ricky, can I be in the show?

Really? Of course.

Ricky, can I be in the show?

No.

You're mean. You didn't even let me finish your attention for heaven's sake.

What do you mean, what's going on? My wife is acting crazy again, Jerry.

all that's going on.

Your feet?

No.

A partner in some rehearsal.

It's a wonderful opportunity for somebody.

Even if you had a partner, Ricky wouldn't hire you.

Well, you heard what he said. He's having trouble finding somebody.

Maybe if I had a partner and we were really good, Ricky couldn't turn me

It's a wonderful opportunity for somebody.

Yeah, but who?

Well... Gee, I wonder what Fred Astaire is doing these days.

No. Yes.

Well, that covers the territory pretty well.

Lucy, were you serious last night about finding that partner for the Apache

dance? I certainly was. Well, I've got him for you. Fred.

Fred?

A stare.

Oh,

mercy.

Now, Lucy, before you make up your mind, listen.

Fred used to be a headliner in vaudeville. Why, he can dance circles

of the younger men today.

He's the king of the Apache dancers.

There, I said it. Do I get my new hat?

Well, thanks a lot, Fred, but I don't think... Oh, now, listen, Lucy, he's

really not half bad. He might work out fine. Why don't you give him a chance?

Yeah. Well, all right. I suppose a fat Apache's better than none.

Okay, you're on your own. See you later. Bye.

Now we can start rehearsing, huh?

All right.

Now, let's get going.

Well, I don't know much about this. Well, I'm going to show you. Now, here.

Put your hands together behind your back.

Put them up a little higher.

Now, turn around.

Now.

Now we face each other and look in each other's eyes.

Where are you? Now, here.

Well, it's impossible to look into each other's eyes.

Oh, it isn't. We've got to do it. All Apache dancers do it.

Now, you come down a little and I'll come up. All right.

Hey. Right in there.

Hold that. Yeah. Now, we put our heads together.

Now, stare in each other's eyes.

All right.

Now, we go forward.

Okay. Are you ready?

Yeah.

forward and you go backwards. Well, why did you say that?

I did.

You did not.

Now, don't argue with me. I'm the one who knows about this. All right.

Oh, come on. Let's try it again.

Put your hand behind your back. All right.

Now, turn around.

Now, put our heads together.

All right.

Now, look in each other's eyes. Okay.

Now, are you ready? Yeah.

Well,

Fred, I'm sorry.

You're sorry? Yeah, that helps a lot.

Fred, I'll be careful next time.

Try it yourself this time, will you? All right.

All right, now put your hand behind your back. All right. All right.

Now,

now.

Go,

stand still, will you? All right, yeah.

Are you ready? Yeah. Time.

I got my dad when I should have done.

Oh, Fred, I'm sorry.

You're sorry and I'm crippled.

Oh, come on. Let's go on from here. Let's try something else. Okay. Here.

Now, I grab you by the wrist and hurt. you to the floor.

What?

I grab you by the wrist and hurl you to the floor.

Okay.

I said I grab you by the wrist and hurl you to the floor.

Okay.

What's the matter with you? Are you nailed down?

Well, Fred, maybe you weren't doing it right. Now, you said you take me by the

wrist and you hurl me... to the floor.

Is that what you mean?

Yes, that's exactly what I mean.

But there's a little bugging at some place. We've got to figure out how to

you down here and me up there.

Lucy, Lucy, I've got some wonderful news.

What? Well, this is going to cost me a new hat, but I found the perfect partner

for you.

Really? Who?

I'm sorry, Fred, but I'm about to dethrone you as king of the Apache

You're a little late. I've just abdicated.

Who was it? The owner of the French Laundry has a nephew who just got here

Paris and he's an Apache dancer.

Really? What's his name? His name is... Now I want to say it just like he did.

His name is... Jean Valjean Raymond.

Huh?

Jean Valjean Raymond.

Jean Valjean...

came to come over here this afternoon. Is that all right?

Yeah, that's wonderful. Rick, you'll be at rehearsal all day. Oh, I envy you

spending all afternoon with a romantic Frenchman.

Oh, Ethel, don't be silly. This is strictly business.

Oh? Oh.

Madame Ricardo?

Yes? I am Jean Valjean Ramon.

Oh?

Won't you come in, please?

It is so good of you to come this afternoon.

What's the matter?

Oh, madame, but you have such a beautiful hand.

Oh, really?

Well, I have another one just like it.

Please, we better get to the dancing.

But you don't understand, madame. The Apache dance... It's a dance of amour.

must warm up to it. Yeah, well, I think you started warming up on the way over

here.

I can't help it. I can't help it. There's a pounding in my heart.

You don't watch out. There'll be a pounding on your head.

Lucy, Ricky's coming.

Ricky? I just saw him coming up the front stairs. Oh, no, quickly, quickly.

I forgot this music, honey. I need it for rehearsal.

Oh, gee, it's a shame you can't stay for a minute.

Oh, I guess I can stay a minute or two. Oh, no, no. You better go.

What's the matter with you?

Well, I guess I'm just excited because you're home in the afternoon.

Well, if you're going to get that excited, I should never leave.

I'll see you tonight.

Oh, goodbye, dear.

I'd better get my hat. It looks like rain. Oh, I'll get it. I'll get it. All

right. Thank you.

There. Thank you.

Maybe I should take an umbrella, too. Oh, I'll get it. I'll get it.

Now I get it.

Still, I hate to get soaked on the way down to the club.

Ah, the heck with it.

Is he gone? Huh?

Your husband, is he gone? Oh, yes, he's gone.

Oh, my chérie.

Now I know how you really feel about me.

Kiss me. No!

Why are you American women so stubborn? Why are you Frenchmen so amorous?

I don't know.

Just fortunate, I guess.

Kiss me. No!

But if all you wanted me was to dance with you, why did you hide me from your

husband? Because... I want to get a job dancing in his show, and I don't want

him to know that I'm rehearsing with you.

Am I not romantic to you?

Yes, you are not romantic to me. Now, please go.

Very well.

I shall go.

Thank goodness.

But I shall return, and I shall look for ways to make myself more

romantic in your beautiful big blue eyes.

Promise the Mertzes we go to the movies with them tonight. They'll be up in a

few minutes.

Oh.

All right.

Lucy?

Yes, dear, you have to shave.

Shave, shave, shave.

All this shaving, it's like I want to wear my chin away.

Okay, Andy Gump.

This is more romantic.

We will elope together.

Elope? Are you out of your mind? Now get out of here. No, no, please don't.

What happened?

The ladder. She went down without me.

Fine. Now what are you going to do?

in the country and commute.

Oh, I'd like that.

Lottie, honey, you better go get your shirt on. The Mercer's will be here any

minute. Oh, we have lots of time.

You want a cigarette?

Uh, yeah, light it for me, dear.

All right.

Want me to smoke it for you?

You know, living in the country wouldn't be a bad idea at all.

With the trees and the flowers.

The birds singing.

Tweet, tweet.

Tweet, tweet.

Tweet, tweet.

Tweet, tweet.

Where would you like to live? Long Island or Westchester?

Westchester.

Yeah, you know, it'd be real wonderful to be away from the...

From the crowd and the noise and the nightclubs.

The smoke.

We could get a place in New Jersey. That's right there.

What's that?

What's that?

Hey! There's a man out here!

Hey! Hold him up! Hold on!

I'll get... Hold on now. Hold on now.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, thank you, monsieur.

I thought I was going to fall.

Who are you?

you doing outside that window?

Yeah, how about that?

My lady, I came here to elope with madame.

Elope? What's going on here?

How can you say a thing like that?

What do you mean you came here?

Please, please, this is not time to argue. If we stay here much longer, her

stupid husband will return and find us here.

That's what you're saying. He's my stupid husband.

He's my husband.

All right, you. Now you tell me what's going on.

I'll punch you right in the... Don't try to get away, you gigolo!

Gigolo! I am very insulted.

I challenge you to a duel.

A duel?

You got yourself a deal, brother.

Very well.

I challenge you.

You choose the weapons.

These are good enough for me, brother. Put them out. Come on. Pretty, pretty.

Please, please, please. Too crude. Very vulgar.

It must be pistols.

Pistols? Pistols?

Who's got any pistols?

I'll hit you in the top of the head with a conga drum, you bum.

Qu 'est -ce que c 'est conga drum, you bum?

And you, um... It'll hurt you.

It must be pistols. What are we going to get pistols?

I have such a terrible temper that I always carry with me dueling pistols.

no! Okay, that's enough for me. Ricky.

Come on. Ricky, you don't know what you're doing. Come on, honey. This is

to be a bit messy. Ricky, I'm not worth it.

I'm not worth it. I'm not worth it, Ricky.

All right, I'm ready.

What do you got?

Please put that thing away before you kill somebody.

You mean we're not going to duel?

I hope not.

That's the closest I've ever been to a duel in my whole life.

Me too.

What do you mean, me too?

It was a bum steer.

I was told that it was safe to challenge people over here because American men

would be afraid to duel.

American men, eh?

I guess I fooled you with my Brooklyn accent, eh?

I guess I made what you call a boo -boo.

What about all this stuff about eloping with my wife? Is that another boo -boo?

Supersize. I was also told that American women expect Frenchmen to be romantic.

I have a wife and five children of my own.

Then what are you doing? I came here to be your wife's dance partner in their

first dance.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, I smell a red -headed rat.

I tell you what we're going to do, amigo.

Is this thing loaded?

Yes.

We're going to teach my wife a lesson she will never forget.

You and I are going to do...

Now you go to the movies.

Lucy! What's the matter?

They're in there. They're going to fight a duel.

A duel?

Yes. Who's dueling? Did he come back?

Yes. Who's dueling? How did it happen? He called him a gigolo. Who's dueling?

Swords, pistols.

Who's dueling?

Ricky and Jean Valjean Raymond.

All four of them?

C 'est la vie.

Is he... Oh,

Ricky!

Don't, madame. It isn't a pretty sight.

Well, that's all.

Yeah, I guess I had it coming to me.

Well, good night, baby.

Good night, sweetheart.

effect it would have on me.

was played by...

I Love Lucy is a Dazzy Lou production.