Original subtitles

Oh. Bodices and Barons is starting.

Ooh. I've never seen Baron von Schtubert

in such a fancy cravat.

Is that a cravat or is that an ascot?

It's a jabot.

I can't expect those

of your social stature to understand

the sartorial preferences of the very rich.

You rich but not exactly Sweyn Forkbeard.

He king of Norway who once got fork stuck in beard

but own it with clever nickname.

Well, Thorfinn, I don't like to brag,

but it is rumored that the Woodstones are actually related

to the British royal family.

Whoa. We are?

Mm-hmm, the story goes that my grandfather Bernard Woodstone

wooed a cousin of the monarch and brought her back to America.

So I'm a royal?

This is just like one of those movies

where a regular girl becomes a princess.

I was never a princess,

but I was briefly the tenth wife to a sheik.

I don't have royal ancestry, per se,

but my Uncle Sal owned a Burger King and a Dairy Queen.

Also a Subway, but that's not really relevant here.

You know, we actually could confirm it.

They have these

ancestry websites now

where you can track your family tree.

Samantha, I think that would be wonderful. Shh!

The Baron and Lady Eliza are about to do it.

Of course you commoners

are enthused about something so base.

My God, she ripped his jabot right off.

So, we're getting pretty close with the restaurant.

Are we sure we need that table

in the middle of the dining room

that no one is allowed to sit at?

The ghost table? Uh, yes, Mark.

Yeah, that's a nonnegotiable from our investor.

He wants it open

in case he ever drops by. Hey.

I have an Amazon Prime package for Woodstone B and B.

Thank you.

This must be the new tile samples.

Ooh, those arrived quickly.

And if they're not to my liking,

I will dispatch them with similar haste.

Maybe 12th time's the charm.

I'm pulling for you guys. It's been a journey.

It has. Thank you for your support.

Okay.

This is it. This is the one.

I like it. I'm good with anything

that doesn't have me look at more tiles.

Eh, it's gonna be a "no" for me.

That particular shade of gray reminds me

of Benjamin Franklin's dead tooth.

And while I know that's not a problem for everyone,

I can't get past it.

So, we did it?

Uh, actually, I just sent a picture to our investor,

and he doesn't like them.

Sorry, Mark.

This is ridiculous. Decisions are piling up.

I want to talk to this guy.

Uh, the thing is, the investor's very private.

Uh, he's not a big talker.

God, I wish that were true.

That's not gonna work for me anymore.

Either I meet the investor or I'm out.

But he's pretty busy.

I don't care. Get him here or find a new partner.

Okay, Mark has never been hotter.

And that bar was high to begin with.

Hey, what's going on, guys?

Sam just received an email from the ancestry computer site.

We're about to find out if I am indeed royalty.

This could literally be my coronation.

Okay, I have a lot going on today, so let's just do this.

Don't worry, everyone.

No matter what the results are, nothing will change.

I have always been, and will continue to be, superior to you.

You may be royal, but I was voted prom king as a junior.

It was unprecedented.

Kind of feels like you're grasping.

Whatever. You probably went to prom by yourself.

I was a student chaperone,

so technically I went with everyone.

So you went to prom with multiple partners

but you still won't sleep with me and Thor?

Ooh, that stings.

Okay, let me see.

There is your grandfather Bernard and his wife Mary.

That's the one you said was royal, right?

Indeed. All right.

They have some birth records for her. Let me click.

I'm not saying everyone should curtsy,

but if my grandeur moves you, don't fight the instinct.

Okay. Huh.

It says here she was born Mary Shaughnessy...

What?

...in County Cork, Ireland.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Hetty's Irish.

No...!

What if we kill the investor?

We tell Mark that the investor was heli-skiing

in British Columbia and his chopper went down.

He came up with that way too easily.

This man has plans for someone, and I, for one, respect it.

You will not kill the investor.

The investor is my representative,

my voice in this venture.

Isaac, we'll listen to you. You can trust us.

You don't need a representative.

Where have I heard that before?

Oh, that's right, King George III.

Isaac complain about monarchy. Must be day ending in "Y."

This is going nowhere. Samantha, don't try me.

I will pull my funds.

And only I know the password to the account-- and Trevor,

who I had to loop in because he can touch buttons!

Oh, you know, Mark doesn't know what the investor looks like.

Maybe you can get someone to pretend to be them.

Alberta's suggesting we get someone

to pretend to be the investor

and introduce them to Mark.

Seriously?

Who would we even get?

I don't know, an actor? A TaskRabbit?

Maybe get one of the Hudson Valley Players.

Many of them are actors and TaskRabbits.

No, Mark's a fellow player. He knows all of them.

What about Momoa? He's between projects

and looking for new challenges, according to People magazine.

What about the guy who played

Pete in Dumb Deaths? He was an actor.

He's in England.

I saw on Instagram he booked the lead in Dr. Hoo.

Whoa! That's incredible.

Oh, sorry, "Hoo," H-O-O.

It's a Web series about an owl that teaches kids math.

Either way, he's not available.

You can't just get any old actor.

You need someone who is willing to con your friend.

What about lady

who pretend to be your cousin?

The one who try to steal your house.

She's fun.

The ghosts are pitching Kelsey.

The scammer who our shady lawyer hired

to con us out of the mansion?

On the upside, she might actually do it,

and she owes us for not turning her in.

Why didn't you turn her in?

She was sort of my cousin for a minute.

No, baby, that was the scam.

I don't have a lot of family.

I think we sometimes forget

that Samantha once hit her head really hard.

Look, it's either this or we tell Mark the truth.

That we made up an investor

because we borrowed money from a ghost.

But Kelsey?

Are we really that desperate?

Kelsey, hey. Hey.

Come on in.

Oh, did you hurt yourself?

Oh, this? No.

I just can't be photographed outside without it

for the next 90 days.

She's a pro. I think this is gonna work.

Do either of you work for State Farm?

If you do, you have to tell me.

Call me crazy, I like her.

So, what's the play here? What are we doing to this Mark guy?

Is it a sting? A shakedown? No. No.

A classic Nashville Hustle? Don't know what that is.

I dated the guy who came up with that.

Ironically, invented in Chattanooga.

All you need to know is we made up a fake investor

and now Mark wants to meet them,

so that's who you're pretending to be.

Look, I feel bad for the way things went down last time

with the whole "me trying to steal your house" thing.

Wow, you need a big truck to steal a house.

So I'm gonna help you out,

but you're gonna have to sweeten the pot.

How about a thousand dollars?

Okay.

Uh, I've got...

seven dollars and

whatever's left on this Chipotle gift card.

Deal!

I died before the Constitutional Convention,

but I am glad to be here

to witness these historic negotiations.

So, yeah, I guess, bottom line:

going to space is kind of boring. Really?

I think it would be incredible.

I mean, we hit a duck on the way up.

That was kind of exciting.

I hit a turkey in a carriage once.

But we were going so slowly the turkey barely noticed.

Not everything needs to be a story.

All right.

Mark, if you have any other questions

about Andrea's business or biography,

it's all on that website I sent you.

Jay stayed up all night creating fake websites

for "Andrea" and her companies.

Yeah, I didn't get a chance to look.

Well, I can resend you the link.

I mean, it's pretty extensive.

Someone obviously put a lot of work into it.

Well, I'm just glad we finally got to meet.

Although it's weird.

I could have sworn Jay and Sam

always referred to you as a "he."

Maybe you just heard "rich investor"

and you assumed it was a man.

Oh, they're about to gaslight the hell out of Mark.

It's called "internalized misogyny."

I'm so sorry.

It's okay, Mark. We all have work to do.

I'm a huge proponent of equal rights,

which is why I slept with every member of Fleetwood Mac.

Should we get down to business?

Mark, you said you wanted to talk

to Andrea about streamlining the decision-making process.

Yeah, the restaurant's gonna open soon,

and we're starting to get behind.

We can't keep putting off decisions.

Like with the tiles, you've been very particular.

Because they've particularly sucked.

You know what? You're right.

I have been micromanaging,

and that is not how I like to run a company.

You know, I think there's a page on her website

that explains her management style.

Why don't I pull it up and we can look at it together?

Then it's settled.

Andrea will be more sensitive to our schedule.

Uh, speaking of which,

I think you said you had a plane to catch.

Right. I'm gonna go visit one of my many properties.

I have homes in Monte Carlo, Fiji...

No way. I just got back from Fiji.

Stayed at the Four Seasons,

courtesy of Sam and Jay's new roof.

And our fountain.

We basically just send all our money straight to Mark.

You know what?

Actually, while I'm here,

I might as well go check out the restaurant.

But your plane. Remember, Andrea, your plane?

Well, you know, the best part about having your own plane is

you get to decide when it leaves.

Great.

Let me show you the way.

Kelsey, what are you doing?

The longer you stay here, the more likely it is we get caught.

Sam, how weird would it be

if I didn't want to see the restaurant?

I know what I'm doing.

You can trust me. I'm a con woman.

Hmm. Don't love the sound of that.

I mean, it just doesn't even make any sense.

Me? Irish?

Can you see it?

A flaming redhead with alabaster skin being Irish?

Nope, doesn't add up. How do we even know

that this ancestry Web thing is even correct?

Internet not always true.

Remember we take Sex and City quiz and it say I am Miranda

when we all know Thor total Samantha.

Hetty, this is no big deal. Being Irish is awesome.

It's a proud culture with rich traditions.

This prejudice is just a product of your time.

It's like Thor hating Danes and Trevor hating Dartmouth.

Someone talking about

the most expensive ski school in the country?

No, Peter! I simply cannot accept it.

Th-There just must be some mistake.

I mean, if you really wanted an answer,

you could have Sam send in a DNA sample.

You would have a definitive answer in about a week.

Man, the Internet is amazing. Literally no downside.

Well, then I shall speak with Samantha.

Or you don't find out for sure.

At least now you have hope that there is some mistake.

No, if there's a chance that I can find out that I'm not Irish,

I must take it.

Wait!

No need to test DNA, for Thor already know results.

Your blood run green.

What are you saying?

As ghost, Thor watch Woodstones for years.

I hear Mary speak about growing up in Ireland.

Was very shameful secret

she and Bernard decide to keep from children,

but Thor hear everything.

You've known this whole time and you've kept this from me?

Did you two know about this?

If it makes you feel any better,

I've always loved St. Patrick's Day.

It's one of the top three drunk girl holidays,

along with Halloween and Purim.

Thor not tell anyone till just now.

Thor sorry, Hetty.

I can't believe you.

Hetty, please.

And what am I supposed to do now?

I can't even drown my sorrows in whiskey.

And yes, that is an instinct I suddenly have.

Do you have any other secrets about anyone else

you've been holding on to?

Yes.

Okay.

The idea was to complement the rustic with the modern,

in much the same way the food is a blend of old and new.

It's really all about supporting Jay's vision.

Who's Jay?

Me. I'm Jay.

I was also wondering that.

Andrea deals mostly with me, not Jay.

Do you have a problem with that, Mark?

Two women working together?

I-I didn't say anything.

Your silence is complicity.

What are they doing

to this man?

You know, Mark, I have a place in Lake Como

that could use your attention.

Really? Wow.

Yeah, I mean, that would be incredible.

I'm sorry, is she offering Mark a fake job?

You got to get Kelsey out of here, Sam.

She's a loose cannon.

We had a loose cannon at the Battle of White Plains.

It backfired and took out three of our horses.

Tragedy, but we ate well that night.

Jay, didn't you want to show Mark

something with the walk-in freezer?

Right. The walk-in freezer.

Yeah, Mark, you got a sec?

Uh, yeah, sure. Be right back.

Hmm, "be right back." That's what I said to Dusty

after I tied him to the post next to that loose cannon.

You have to leave. What?

You're offering Mark work on a villa that doesn't exist.

Whatever. Things happen.

My villa was destroyed in a pasta spill.

Who knows? That's tomorrow's problem.

David Crosby's favorite shirt was destroyed in a pasta spill.

Look, we really appreciate you helping us out,

but I don't think we want to continue

to press our luck with Mark.

Okay, you're right. I'm sorry.

I start improvising, and I just get lost in the story.

But I don't want to blow up your spot.

Spot was Dusty's best friend.

Should I say goodbye to Mark? Just go.

All right, I'll take off. Ooh, that Chipotle card

is burning a hole in my pocket anyway.

She's been standing there for ten minutes.

What is she waiting for?

Maybe she forget why she standing there.

Happens to Flower all the time.

Oh, hey, guys. Mark and I were just out for a little stroll,

unbeknownst to him.

Hey, Andrea.

Thought you had to take off.

Still waiting on my limo, unfortunately.

I almost rode in a limo once.

Caesars Palace was trying to butter up

a group of us travel agents,

but Pete Martino is not for sale.

I just hope I don't miss this meeting.

It's a big investment opportunity.

I can't really talk about it.

It's okay. No problem.

It's this start-up. This big AI/VR play.

I think it's gonna be huge.

Actually, they're looking for a couple more investors.

Really?

Oh, I see what's going on here.

Thor also understand, but maybe you explain to Pete.

Why am I even telling you about this?

You wouldn't be interested.

Well, I don't know.

Could you tell me more about it?

There's not even a point.

I mean, they're closing the round today.

You'd have to literally write me a check right now.

This is a Nashville Hustle.

Which really should've been called a Chattanooga Cheat,

but that's a debate I've already had too many times.

Sam, we got big problem. What is it?

Your con woman just conned your contractor out of 15 grand.

Kelsey. I'm just saying,

Momoa would never.

I can't believe Kelsey would con Mark.

Really? She did arrive wearing a neck brace,

after she tried to steal your home during her previous visit.

It feels in character.

You have to tell Mark that he's the mark.

Get it?

But also, do you understand?

Because this is a very serious situation.

Okay, but then he'll find out that Kelsey's a con woman

and we've been lying to him for months.

There he is!

Oh, do something, Sam.

He needs that money for his muffin business.

Uh, Mark, can I have a word?

What's up?

Did you just give Andrea some money to invest in something?

Yeah, I wrote her a check. Did she tell you?

Are you guys getting in on it, too?

Listen, you need to cancel that check immediately.

Why?

Poor Samantha.

How do they get themselves in these predicaments?

You made them do this. This is all your fault.

Asked and answered.

Andrea's a con woman. Her real name is Kelsey.

I know because I hired her.

What are you talking about? Hired her for what?

I needed someone to pretend to be the investor.

I'm confused. Why would you do that?

Uh, that's a good question.

Just run. Leave town. Change your name.

Do you think my real name's Alberta?

What? Nothing.

Hey, guys.

Does Jay know about this?

Know about what?

That Andrea is a con woman that Sam hired

to pretend to be the investor.

This going to destroy Jay and Mark friendship.

Well, Jay?

Jay doesn't know anything about it.

I did it all on my own.

Ooh, ooh, say, "In fact, I did it because of Jay."

In fact, I did it because of Jay.

Where are you going with this? Wherever the improv takes us.

Dead Ringers, our time is now.

That's the all-ghost improv team I keep trying to start.

I can explain.

Maybe someone Jay didn't want to invest invested,

and Sam hid it from Jay.

Ooh, like a mob boss. Or a bear.

Or going off of that, Jay's dad.

The real investor is Jay's dad.

What? I don't understand.

Jay was too proud to take money from his father.

Jay was too proud to take money from his father,

so Mahesh and I came up with

this madcap scheme. Hold up.

The guy we named the restaurant after?

Wait a minute. Did-did you incept me

into naming my restaurant after my own father?

Jay getting on board with improv.

We're zipping, she's zapping, he's zopping. This is fun.

This is messed up, Sam.

I can't believe both my wife and my father betrayed me.

I put my heart and soul into this restaurant

because I believed in Jay.

And his vision.

Not some guy who thinks he should be listened to

just because he put in some money.

I'm sure we can figure out

a way to all work together.

I think it might be Mahesh or me.

And scene! Okay.

Normally, I'd suggest we end things on a joke,

but maybe we just go out on the emotion this time.

Yeah, this feels right.

There you are.

Thor feel bad about the way we leave things

but wanted to give time

for famous Irish temper to cool down.

All those years when I would mock the Irish for their sloth

or suggest that their pockets were lined with corned beef,

you were quietly mocking me.

No, Thor wasn't.

Then why? Why would you keep this from me?

Remember when you were child

and you thought that I was imaginary friend Gordon?

Yes.

Gordon always look after Hetty.

Always protect her.

And even after you grow older

and no longer see imaginary friend,

I still want to protect you.

You knew learning this would hurt me,

and you didn't want to see me get hurt.

Yeah.

Gordon love Hetty.

Aw, thank you.

Now you say it back.

Hetty love Gordon.

You know, Thor been around a thousand years

and seen many groups of people

hate other groups of people for silly reasons.

But what Thor learn is that we are all basically the same.

Except for Danes, who brains are rumored to be mostly cabbage.

Samantha,

do, uh, you and Jay have a minute?

Isaac just came in. He wants to talk.

I'm listening.

Or, you know, doing that thing where Sam listens

and then conveys to me and-- J-Just go.

I've been thinking about my role in the restaurant,

and I believe that the most helpful thing I can do right now

is step back.

What do you mean?

I'm saying, you can keep my money,

but I'm no longer gonna be holding up the works.

Mark was right.

This restaurant should live and die with Jay's vision.

Even if that vision includes tiles that would look

more at home in a Canadian high school locker room.

We're watching Degrassi.

They put milk in bags.

Strange culture, Canada.

Jay, Isaac's saying that we can keep the money,

no strings attached, because he also believes in your vision.

Really? Thank you, Isaac.

Although I would like there to still be a ghost table.

That's not for me. That's for my friends.

Oh, that's unusually nice.

Well, just so you know, Isaac,

we couldn't have gotten this far without you.

We owe you, buddy. And you know what?

The signers of the Declaration of Independence were overrated,

and crapping yourself is a fine way to go.

You're too kind, Jay. All right.

Well, I guess I should call Mark and tell him we worked it out

and I told my dad to take a hike

and gave you a piece of my mind for going behind my back.

Jay.

Seriously, it wasn't cool what you did.

If I had any self-respect,

you'd be sleeping on the couch tonight.

My man is improv-ing his tush off.

He would make a great Dead Ringer

if he would just die already.

In a long, long time.

I hope it's soon.

So, as you can see, the Irish actually have

a pretty neat history and culture.

We've covered James Joyce,

Oscar Wilde, Bram Stoker.

We went down a pretty deep Colin Farrell rabbit hole.

I'd like to go deeper.

Okay, well, that brings us

to our musical portion of the presentation.

Now, people love to sing the praises of U2

and The Pogues and Sinéad O'Connor,

but they don't hold a candle to my personal favorite.

Hit it, Trevor.

♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away... ♪

What is this, Peter?

This is Enya.

It came out a couple years after my death, actually,

but apparently, the '80s got even more rad.

Song remind Thor of abandonment trauma.

That what shipmates do.

♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away. ♪

Wait for the key change.

There it is.

Mm, this is lovely.

But maybe we go back to Colin Farrell.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org