Original subtitles

Isaac Higgintoot,

do you take Nigel to be your husband?

I don't.

And you couldn't have told me this an hour ago?

Her name is Patience.

She's the lady that lives in the ground.

What? Who's that?

We were once stuck in a hole.

We decided we had to join hands

and navigate our way through the dirt

to the Woodstone basement.

We agreed that Sass would lead the way,

then Thor, then myself.

There was another ghost in the hole with us.

Her name was Patience. She was a Puritan.

- W-What happened to her? -Isaac sneezed

and let go of Patience's hand.

For all we know, she's still out there, roaming.

So, you're telling me there's a Puritan woman

just out there wandering around in the dirt?

Yes.

Mm-mmm. I don't like that one bit.

You really should have invited us to the wedding, Isaac.

He's here, Patience.

God bless you.

Oh!

Patience, the council has met,

and we've decided that we'd like you

to leave the community.

What?

But I'm the most pious among us.

Who experiences less joy than I?

Who is more severe?

Uh, you are joyless and severe, I agree.

But even for us Puritans,

there's such a thing as too severe. I mean,

you wanted us to execute Miss Elizabeth Prue.

She was talking to a doll.

'Tis surely a sign of witchcraft.

She's five.

And on a path most dark.

The point is you have to leave. I'm sorry.

Then fine.

I shall start my own colony.

Where there will be no smiling,

no laughter.

And all the handles of the butter churns

shall be rough-hewn,

so that thoust shall feel the pain of sin

with every stroke.

Well, I think people are going to really enjoy that.

Or-or not enjoy it. Whatever you wish.

Anyway, banishment.

Next.

Oh, man.

I feel bad about Isaac leaving Nigel

at the altar last night,

but what a show.

Indeed. At least it was a break

from the crushing mundanity of our bleak existence.

Okay, the water bill this month is unusually high.

And just like that, we're back.

Jay, have you been taking long showers or something?

You think I'm taking long showers?

I got a bunch of invisible people creeping on me.

I wear a bathing suit in there.

People are so uptight about nudity.

In the cult, we used to take group showers.

It really helped to clean those hard-to-reach places.

Quick, Samantha, more water bill talk.

Hey, guys.

Got those tile samples for the restaurant.

Mark and I just went to the hardware store.

Because I can leave the property.

We know, Pete.

This one's perfect, right here.

Final answer. Lock it in.

Wow, okay. That was easy.

It's usually a whole weird song and dance with you two.

Well, we should confirm it with our investor.

Right, our silent partner. But do you really think

he needs to weigh in on such a little thing?

Yes, I think he would be very upset

if we didn't loop him in.

Yeah, that's more what I expected.

Anyway, our supplier said he's almost out of these.

So if we want them, we got to act fast.

See? So, let's ask Isaac, okay?

Is he in here?

No. Have any of you guys seen him?

- Mm. - No. He must still be moping in his room.

Oh, poor guy. But it was exciting for us.

Oh, the drama! - The smell of the hors d'oeuvres. - Mm.

The camaraderie. The sharing of the soap.

And she's back on group showers.

He wasn't at the hardware store

because he can't leave the property, which I can.

- What'd they say? - They haven't seen him.

I hope he's doing okay.

Eh, I'm sure he's fine.

Okay, okay, you know what?

Let's just address the elephant in the room.

You're upset with me.

Patience! Patience!

That's new.

Thou didst abandon me.

It was an accident.

I had to sneeze

and so I covered my nose.

And in doing so, I did let go of your hand

and abandoned you to the dirt.

The point is, I was wrong.

And I apologize.

'Tis my intention to push thee into the dirt

such that thou may know the century of suffering

Patience has endured.

What?

- Patience! - Aah!

Hey.

Sorry, um, have you-you seen Isaac?

The marksman who only yesterday

pierced my heart for a second time?

No. I can't say that I have.

But, in a grander sense,

I'm not sure I've ever seen the real Isaac.

I'm sorry, Nigel. This is really hard.

Nigel's still living in the house?

I thought he would have slunk back to the shed.

- Damn it, Jay. - What?

Didn't Isaac, like, totally ditch him at the altar?

Well, we'll leave you alone.

Those of us who possess the ability

to close doors will do so.

Can you turn on the TV already?

It's not called 45 Minutes. I want to watch the full 60.

Okay, it's not just like pressing a button.

I mean, it is, but it's hard.

And it's impressive that I can do it at all.

Possible Trevor somehow growing weaker over time.

Legs are looking little smaller.

What? No.

That's not even physically possible.

Hey. Have you guys seen Isaac?

I haven't seen him.

Me neither.

Not since wedding, which went...

very bad.

Nancy? Have you seen Isaac?

Isaac? Huh. Huh...

You know, now that you mention it,

I think he said he was going for a stroll this morning.

Mm-hmm. And I remember that because when he said "stroll,"

I was looking at a bowl and I was like

"Whoa, stroll and bowl-- what are the chances?"

- What? - Did he say when he'd be back?

I'm sorry, I didn't get his life story.

Geez, what's with the third degree, huh?

Why are you being so weird?

I'm not being weird.

You're being weird!

Quit taking your body issues out on me, chicken legs.

I don't have to take this. Move!

Interesting.

Nancy seems like she's hiding something.

Okay, you listen here, Nancy,

and you listen good.

She left, Jay.

Why am I even along on this mission?

Please, Patience. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to lose you.

I-I... I did look for you.

A few times, I even ventured slightly into the dirt.

No. You wouldn't. Not for Patience.

Are you kidding? I missed you.

We all missed you. Me, Sass, Thor.

The entire Hole Patrol.

And we had some good times, right?

Remember when

Thor tried to say the word "supposedly,"

and instead said "supposably?"

'Twas indeed quite amusing.

And I don't know about you,

but I loved our time in the ditch.

I mean, who wouldn't enjoy staring

at that gorgeous porcelain skin?

'Tis from the bloodletting that killed me.

I'm just glad we get to hang again.

Although, similarly to how Thor, Sass and I

missed being in the ditch with you, I do fear

I might miss being with them.

See what I mean, Patience?

- Isaac is lonely. - Exactly.

I miss my friends.

You can understand that, right?

Oh, Patience understand.

Patience. Patience.

Great.

Isaac. Isaac.

Nancy, out with it.

What happened to Isaac?

I don't know why you guys are riding my leg about this.

I have no idea where he is.

Okay, I had promised not to say anything,

but Nancy already told me what happened.

You told him about Patience?

Wait, what happened with Patience?

Oh, damn it, Stuart.

You have to be the dumbest,

most gullible piece of trash I've ever known,

and I was married to the village idiot.

Come on, Nancy. What happened?

Okay.

So yesterday, attracted by the pulsing bass

from the wedding DJ's speakers,

Patience appeared through the wall.

She asked to speak to Isaac,

so we arranged a meeting.

We thought she just wanted to yell at him a little.

We didn't know she was gonna drag him away.

It was very rude.

We were mad about

not being invited to the wedding,

but we didn't want this to happen.

Jay, uh, quick update.

Isaac was kidnapped by a Puritan ghost

who's been roaming the dirt for centuries

waiting for a chance at revenge.

Oh, that's really gonna push back an answer on these tiles.

Obviously, I'm also very concerned for Isaac.

Thor confused. How Patience just take Isaac?

Not like she strong enough to lift Isaac over shoulder.

Probably something you struggle with as well.

I broke a ThighMaster once, Thor. I broke it.

Patience is real stealth. I'll show you.

I'll be Patience and, Sass, you be Isaac.

Okay? See, he was standing over there.

Right here?

Yep, but his back was to the wall.

- Like this? -Exactly.

Then all of a sudden...

- Patience! - Oh!

Okay, you got to believe me.

We did not know that was gonna happen.

Surprise!

Patience, what is the meaning of this?

Thou did say that thou missed thy friends.

'Tis now a problem solved.

Wait, did I get kidnapped

because Isaac said he was lonely?

No. I have been vastly misunderstood.

And also, - she has gone quite mad. - Okay.

Isaac didst inform me how much you searched for Patience

all those years ago.

'Twas a relief

on account of how much I did see thee as friends.

Uh... same.

Oh! I never had such friends

as in the ditch.

And now we have another chance.

- Huzzah. - Yay.

It is ordained.

We shall spend the remainder of eternity here, together.

Now

is it time for my daily constitutional.

It took me a century to get my bearings here in the dirt,

so don't you go wandering off

lest ye be lost forever.

Oh, this sucks.

Yeah.

Okay, Flower, you spoke with Patience

while you were in the well.

Do you recall her saying anything

that could help us locate Isaac and Sass?

Don't love that Flower's memory's load-bearing here.

Okay,

let me think.

It's interesting, because Patience

has taken Isaac and now Sass.

It's almost like she's abducting everyone

that was in the ditch with her.

Which just leaves Thor.

- Huh? -Yeah.

She could be coming for you next, big guy.

The final piece to her creepy little puzzle.

Thor like to see her try.

Thor not scared.

Oh, wait! I do remember something about Patience.

- Mm. - She was small,

she had no arms and legs.

She was a worm.

There was worm named Patience?

Yeah, I named her after this other Patience I met.

She's a Puritan.

And we're in the vicinity.

Do you know where we can find the Puritan?

Yes, Patience said something about

living in a cave underneath a willow.

Okay, Flower said that Sass and Isaac

are under a willow.

Is there a willow tree on the property?

Yeah, remember, that's where I crashed my drone

that looks like a TIE fighter.

TIE fighter's from Star Wars.

Star Wars is a futuristic space opera.

A... Well, actually, it was set in the distant past.

This is worse than Samantha's water bill talk.

Well, what are we waiting for, huh?

- Let's go get 'em. - Get who?

- Aah! - Aah! Aah!

What the hell?!

Thor not scared, Thor just surprised.

Subtle but important difference.

Maybe being imprisoned in this dank lair

with that interminable dripping

is my comeuppance.

What are you talking about?

I've disappointed everyone who's ever depended on me.

I was a bad fiancé in death, a bad husband

in life. Let this be

my promise to you, my friend.

If, by the grace of God, we ever get out of here,

I vow to change my ways.

To be

kinder, to be less selfish.

To be a better person.

Good for you.

Your rock looks more comfortable. Can I have it?

W-What happened to being a better person?

What? Oh, no, no, no. I said, "if."

If we get out of here.

God has to uphold his end of the bargain first.

Can't believe we're in this situation.

Who knows what that lunatic has in store for us?

Ugh. Honestly, I'd like to say

that she became terrible

because of the isolation,

but she was always a little off to begin with.

Patience! Patience!

Your version's too sane. Patience!

Patience![regular voice]: Oh, yeah, that's it. That was good.

That one really captured the madness.

That wasn't me, Isaac.

Patience. What's up, girl?

Oh.

I'm tired and my hands hurt.

Yeah, sorry I couldn't find that second shovel, Jay.

You threw it behind the shed, Sam.

How it going?

Thor, get over here.

Thor good in this

open space

with, uh, clear views of all approaches,

but... not scared.

Oh, I think he broke through!

Sam, I think I broke through.

Do you see anything?

Sass! Isaac!

Trevor! Arrow guy!

Oh, this is fun, naming everyone.

Oh, it's

a burrow of rabbits.

No ghosts. They're not in here.

Patience ain't in there.

You can stop cowering, Thor.

And your hat small and ugly like Trevor's legs.

Two for one-- boom!

Wait a minute.

Patience never said she lived under a willow.

The Grateful Dead said we could all get high under a willow

in the song "Sugar Magnolia,"

which wasn't released until after I died,

but Bobby Weir used to sing it to us in the shower.

They're not in there, Jay.

You know what that means?

We're digging in the wrong place.

Raiders. Did Pete do the Raiders thing?

Our friends are still being held hostage,

but, yes, Jay, he did the Raiders thing.

- My guy. - My guy.

I wanted to be nice.

But no one's nice to Patience.

There's only one thing to do.

Yes, one thing to do.

Forget this ever happened

and start over with a clean slate?

Take thee into the dirt.

Eh, when you say, "thee,"

do you mean me "thee" or he "thee?"

Both.

Don't love that.

Three, two, one, shoot! Yeah.

What was that? Y-You just made a fist.

That is what rock is, Stuart.

The rules are so simple. You're killing me.

The sexual tension between these two.

It's palpable.

Will they or won't they?

Just put us out of our misery.

Oh, my God, that was gross.

Oh, that was so scary. And disgusting.

I'm pretty sure a worm went right through my mouth.

Oh, she's back and she wants more!

Here, take him. He's not annoying.

No.

I'm returning them.

Thou art free to go.

Wait, really?

W-why?

'Tis mine own fault for thinking you actually liked me.

Patience shall return

to her one true friend:

the dirt.

Oh...

Why does paper beat rock?

Do I run into the dirt?

I got it! Patience said she was living

in a white room with black curtains.

No, wait,

that's from a bath I took with the band Cream.

This is painful.

If legs hurt from standing, you can have Thor seat.

I was talking about Flower.

The legs are great.

We have returned.

How did you escape?

Did you brave the dirt?

Or did you have to do something you can

never talk about? You can tell Berty.

Berty keeps her mouth shut.

Actually, she just let us go.

Sasappis hurt her feelings.

Me? You did it too.

But you started it, by imitating her.

Patience! Patience!

That's a thing she does now.

It's nuts.

Look, I'm glad to be back, but I don't know, man--

I feel like she needed friends and we abandoned her.

Just like we did 130 years ago.

Patience!

I'm not even exaggerating, that is literally

what it is. She is loony.

Well, I think we figured out what's up with the water bills.

Mark says the fountain is leaking.

Just hundreds of dollars dripping into the ground.

And the fascinating saga of the water bill continues.

Will they patch the - pipes? Stay tuned. - Babe,

Sass and Isaac escaped Patience's clutches.

They're back.

Oh, nice.

You see? Sometimes this ghost stuff just resolves itself.

That's a good lesson - for the future. -Wait a minute.

Dripping?

Isaac, remember the dripping in Patience's lair?

Patience's lair must be under the fountain.

What? She's been 50 feet away this entire time?

Oh, now, that creeps me all the way out.

You know, if Patience's feelings were really hurt,

now you can do something about it.

We know where she is.

Hey, just to clarify, are you suggesting

going and getting the creepy, feral, Puritan ghost

and bringing her into the house?

I'm suggesting righting a wrong that happened

a long time ago.

Wow. And you wouldn't even let me get a lizard.

May I just remind you that this

lunatic kidnapped

and held us hostage?

'Cause she was hurting, Isaac.

And, also, she let us go.

Wait, you were kidnapped by a worm?

I may regret this, but I feel we need to go get Patience.

Patience is very creepy,

but Thor know

pain of abandonment.

Would not wish that on any non-Dane.

Isaac, you were literally just saying

that if we got out of there, you'd turn over a new leaf

and be a better person.

Well, here's your chance.

Yes, perhaps we could start with something smaller?

I could compliment one of Samantha's dreadful sweaters.

That looks...

lovely.

- Isaac. - Okay, fine, fine.

Let's go get that scary Puritan woman.

Jay, we may need to destroy the fountain, but...

Please don't finish - that sentence. -No.

I got a better idea.

I'm a guy with great legs

and a great idea.

Wow, Jay,

this is actually really cool.

They formed a human chain.

Or, you know, a ghost chain.

Once again, Sam, we're still human,

we're just dead.

This is the most amazing sight I've never seen.

You see, back at Camp Ramah,

I was anchor of my tug-of-war team.

Three years running,

we got first in the Maccabiah games.

Okay.

I'll take Crash's hand.

At least we know he cannot sneeze.

Yeah, yeah, keep going. Into the dirt.

I hate this!

Whee!

Oh! Now we stop. Stop. Stop. Pull out! Pull out!

No! The-the ghosts got pulled into the dirt.

Oh, no.

Yes!

T-Money and his magic quads.

Suck it, Thor!

Thor's way up there.

Pass it on.

Suck it, Thor. Pass it on.

Suck it, Thor. Pass it on.

Suck it, Thor. Pass it on.

Patience!

We came back.

Isaac? Sasappis?

What is the meaning of this?

We're not gonna abandon you again.

Come with us.

Oh, sorry! Sorry!

I... got him.

We're good, we're good.

Look, we know we messed up,

but you're our friend.

And you are not a lunatic.

My point is we would like you

to come back to the house with us.

You came back for me?

Not soon enough.

Patience. Patience!

Oh, so, it can be good or bad.

- That's interesting. - Mm-hmm.

Come with me if you want to live.

Terminator.

It's a movie. Uh, a movie's,

like, a series of images... SASAPPIS: Can we do this

back at the house?

Suck it, Thor. Pass it on.

Wait.

Hey, Jay, if I were kidnapped

and trapped in an underground lair,

would you risk an eternity in the dirt

for the chance to save me?

Ooh, of course.

And I love that these are our hypotheticals.

Mm.

Well?

Oh, sorry, bro.

It's a no-go on the tiles.

Our investor wants to see other options.

I mean, burgundy--

are we opening a restaurant or a brothel?

Okay,

I'll find some more options.

Sorry, Mark.

By the way, how's Patience adapting to life in the house?

I think it's going really well.

One last question for thee.

What is thy favorite color?

Ugh. I did not sign up for this.

Patience! Patience!

Aah! Purple!

Oh.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org