Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

(suspenseful music)

- Honey, not like that.

You have to be precise.

Use the book. - Mom, we've been

doing this

forever, I just.

- Well. - It'll be fine.

- Make it perfect and we won't

have to do it as long, okay?

Just here, no, put no, this is

the board goes right here.

- The joke goes right here. -

This is literally,

this is what's in, Mom. - I

know.

- Now everything has to be

pristine and perfect like this.

- I really kind of don't need

the attitude right now.

I need you to bedazzle. - Oh my

goodness.

I just hit. - Better, it's

better.

- Oh my God, baby.

I'm so happy to see you.

My stepmom is driving me nuts.

(sighs)

- Why, what's going on?

What are you guys doing?

- So we are working on all of

the pageant costumes

for the year because Scarlet is

going to be the queen

this year, I just know it.

- Yeah, I've been telling you

about it.

- Yeah, I'm so excited for you.

I know you're gonna do so good.

- Thank you so much. - She's

gonna be amazing.

If we can get every single

outfit perfect

because we have one for every

holiday.

We're doing 4th of July now. -

Okay.

- But we also have, what else?

- The nautical themed one.

- Nautical, yeah. - And then

there's gonna be

like a Victorian, like

Renaissance.

I forget what it's called. -

The Renaissance one

with the tulle, it's gonna be

so beautiful.

- I really wanna do like lace,

make some like really lacy,

pretty. - We can look into that,

sweetie, but I mean, really the

important thing

is that we beat Kelly and her

kind of ugly daughter, Betty.

Okay. - Oh my God.

I swear, if you care more about

beating her,

then you care about me actually

winning this thing.

- Sweetheart, no, I care about

you winning too

because of how it makes me look

as a mom.

I care about that. - Exactly.

- I'm sorry, who's Betty again?

- Oh, we don't even, oh. - You

never listen.

- I do listen, I swear. - Okay,

baby.

- I'm always paying attention.

And how do you-- - You just

look, you care.

- How do you do this?

I mean, I'm so confused. - It's

actually very,

very difficult and very precise,

but Scarlett's been doing

better at it.

We used the glue gun. - Thank

you.

- Yeah, here, why don't you

just help out a little bit,

right?

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

- I can do that. - So you just,

you grab this.

Just like get it, mm-hmm. - Yep,

just like that.

- Yeah, just like that, mm-hmm.

- Okay.

- Oh my gosh, she's actually

not bad at this.

- You're already a part. - You're

hired. (laughs)

- But you like how mine looks,

right?

Like better than hers?

Like I feel like hers is so-- -

Honey, it's not a competition

with me, it's a competition

with Betty.

- Oh, okay. - Thanks.

- Thank you, thank you. - Of

course, yeah.

You're doing such a good job

helping, that's wonderful.

I know, we'll have this done by

sundown maybe.

- Sundown? - Mm-hmm.

- Mom, I haven't eaten all day.

- Okay, well, you're always

complaining,

but you won't complain once you

win the gold.

- So do you use the pushpins to

attach the stars?

- Obviously, Ryan, obviously,

come on.

Do you know nothing about bedazzling?

The pushpins are an essential

part of bedazzling.

- Don't get her started on the

pushpins.

She'll never shut up. - I will

never stop.

I'll never be quiet about pushpins.

- I'm so happy that you did it

to Dad.

- Well, I mean, they are useful.

- Thank you for understanding,

he might actually get it.

- Will you stop groping my mom

and help with this?

- I mean, it's the law, that's

what I'm supposed to do.

- It is. - Well, this is

supposed to be

about me today. - Oh, honey.

I mean, it's totally fine,

right?

This is part of the law now,

and I think this is just what

we're supposed to do.

- Maybe it'll help you be less

stressed out.

- I mean it, right. - Yeah,

baby, you just need

to calm down a little bit. - I

need to calm down.

- Oh, oh. - Whose side are you

on?

- I'm just trying to play both

sides here, okay?

- That's true, you're doing a

pretty good job

of playing both sides, I get

that,

but you should be more on my

side,

because my bedazzling is better.

- Well, I see that you both are

very good at bedazzling.

- Just say hers is better. - No,

babe, I'm not gonna say.

- If you like my mom's bedazzling,

what would you like?

- Mom, I have 20 years of

experience,

and I won at least two summer

fairs in a row.

I'm just saying I know what I'm

talking about, okay?

Wow. - How's that?

- Wow, let's be a brat about it.

Let's do that.

Why don't you bedazzle, okay?

- Mom, I've been bedazzling for

hours.

- Well, you're gonna do great,

okay?

It's totally fine.

- You really think I'm gonna

beat Betty and--

- Honey, I have all the faith

in you.

It just needs more pushpins.

That's really what I think it

needs.

I think that's the most, more

pushpins, yeah.

Yep, that's really important. -

You might be right.

Whatever. - Yeah.

- I will say my favorite one of

these is Fourth of July.

- Yeah, yeah, honestly, I have

to say that too.

- Well, of course, look at your

outfit.

I mean-- - It's my first

birthday,

honestly. - I know.

- Ever since you married my dad,

it's been one of my favorite

things us to do together,

is just corny specifically. -

Yeah.

- I love that we both have that

in common.

- Babe, I loved your outfit

last year too.

- Really? - That's so sweet,

honey.

Aw. - I didn't even think

you paid attention. - Yeah.

- You know I bedazzled that too,

right?

- Oh, I had no idea. - Deep.

- I thought you bought it that

way.

- No, she actually made it.

I taught her to do it perfectly,

and it was perfect.

I think that was such a good

outfit.

- She did haul a little bit

here and there.

- Oh, come on, come on.

I showed you exactly how to do

it.

You know she burnt herself with

that glue gun?

Mom, it's so embarrassing. - Oh.

- It's not embarrassing, honey.

There's a learning curve. - Yes.

- Yeah, you just put a lot of

effort into it.

That's a good thing. - I

stopped the screws.

- Yeah, I think so, but.

- Almost done. - Oh, I don't

think

you're even close to almost

done.

There's plenty more that needs

to happen on the straps too.

Don't forget about that, okay?

- Oh my God.

- We live and we learn.

That's what we say in this

family, don't we?

- I'm so happy I lived and that

you learned.

And then I learned. - Mm-hmm,

definitely.

- But I'm not gonna try it

again.

I've been so careful with the

glue gun this time.

I've been like, oh, fuck. - I've

noticed that.

- We're doing it on and off,

so that way I just don't like

burn.

- Honey, that's so smart.

- I was just completely around

my chances this year.

If I had another, 'cause I'm

pretty sure

that's why I didn't get it last

year.

- You think that's why you didn't

win?

You don't think it was that twirling

thing

you did during your dance? - No.

Mom, the twirling thing was in,

it was in.

You just don't get it because

you haven't been

in a pageant in like 110 years.

- Okay, it's only been 20,

sweetheart.

You don't need to speak to me

that way.

And I remember it like it was

yesterday.

The lights. - Oh my God, let's

not get started.

- My outfit, the bedazzled

stars.

- She's just trying to talk you

up.

- Mom, focus. - Sorry, what?

- Focus. - Okay, yes, yes.

I'm sorry, this is your time,

this is your leotard.

- Yes, it's my leotard for my

pageant.

- Yes, it is, it is.

And you're gonna do great,

and you're gonna make your mom

so proud.

- Yes. - Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, you're doing great,

babe.

- You are. - Yeah.

- So maybe. - Yeah.

- Well, you know what, Ryan,

why don't you tell me

what you've been up to, right?

I feel like we haven't caught

up in so long.

- Oh, well, you know, work's

been good.

- Mm-hmm, why'd you tell her

about that project

you've been working on?

- Oh, that's all I do is work

on these projects.

You know, they put me under a

lot of pressure,

but my boss said I did a really

good job.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

And my dad, he retired recently,

so.

- Oh, that's wonderful, yeah.

It's good for him, I was

wondering about him.

- Yeah, my family's good, and

you know, life is.

- You're coming about the end

of it, aren't you?

I'm just so happy that this

project you've been working on

is about to come to an end,

because you're gonna have

so much time to help me with

these patterns.

- Yeah, and you can teach me

how to bedazzle better.

- You never bedazzle, babe.

You know, I can teach him.

I mean, do you really want my

mom to teach you?

- Oh, I mean, yeah. - Yes.

- Maybe you will teach me. -

You both of us.

I mean, she's learning, she's

good,

but she's not as good as I am.

- I actually think you should

have my mom teach you,

because it gives me a lot more

time by myself

to focus on my own crafts. - Oh,

yeah.

- Well, wait, what other crafts

do you do besides bedazzling?

- Well, mom, I like to, I don't

know,

shop, that's crafting, right?

- No, no, honey, that's not

crafting.

Bedazzling is the only craft

that matters.

- Mom, I don't, we're not

always bedazzled.

Like, you know, honestly, like,

pageants are one thing,

but I wanna be an architect.

- You wanna be an architect in

this family?

- Mom, I wanna go to like

college, like school, like.

- Ew, you wanna go to school?

This is a beauty pageant family,

and that is what you will do in

this family.

- But mom, I like to read books.

(mumbles)

Nevermind.

- Yeah, she reads a lot.

- Okay, babe, don't, you need

to own top her.

- I'm just trying to chime in

to like keep the peace.

(laughs)

- It's not really keeping the

peace.

I mean, she doesn't like it

when I read.

She only likes them to bedazzle.

- You'll never get anywhere in

life if you read,

and I've told you that since

you were younger, okay?

- Oh my God, mom, okay.

- You hone your pageant craft,

and you make me proud of you,

okay, young lady?

- I think it's really important

to let people

follow their interests, I'm

just saying.

- Oh, I'm so sorry, Ryan, I

didn't think I asked you.

- Oh, oh, I'm just, sorry,

Sophia.

- Oh, it's Mrs. Locke.

- Yeah, I was like, that's so

weird,

that you just called her Sophia.

(laughs)

- It's fine, you know what, it's

fine, I think.

- I feel like we've gotten to

know each other on a--

- How can we get to know each

other?

- Oh, because we have a mom.

- Okay, all right, sorry, babe.

- Mm-hmm. - All right.

(groans)

- You look frustrated, babe, is

everything okay?

- Babe, every time I close my

eyes,

all I see is bedazzling.

I'm tired of bedazzling.

- You're getting really good at

it.

- Sweetheart, you know what,

why don't you just take a break,

okay, that's what we have Ryan

here for, come here.

- Okay. - Yeah, you're good.

- Yeah, you're fine.

- Mm.

There we go.

I just want-- - See, isn't that

better?

- A good, happy family with a

lovely daughter

who does her pageants the way

she's supposed to.

That's all I ask for, is that

fair for me to ask for, Ryan?

- That's very fair for you to

ask.

- Thank you, yeah, see, you're

a nice family.

- I still have to get those

shoes,

I don't even have shoes to even

match this,

and this isn't just like a few

days.

I don't know what I'm gonna do,

Mom.

- I'll go shopping with you.

You know I hate shopping, but I'm

a good boyfriend, so.

- Yeah, you are, you are a good

boyfriend.

- That would be really sweet of

you, Ryan,

but does he even know what kind

of shoes to get?

What kind of glitter they need?

The colors, the patterns, the

heel height?

- Definitely not, but you know,

it's just like emotional

support thing, maybe.

- Oh, an emotional support

boyfriend.

- Yeah. - I've heard of that

on the internet, that's nice.

- I'm like a stuffed animal.

- Do you even know what the

internet is, Mom?

- I can't, I can't find you. -

Okay.

But yeah, like I was thinking

with that one,

just because it's so bedazzled

with like the little stars

and stickers, that maybe I

could change it up

and get like lacy shoes.

- Oh, that's hot. - Right.

- We are not doing hot shoes.

We are doing practical, good

for your line,

stepping dance shoes, okay?

We don't want hot shoes, Ryan,

all right?

We don't want other men

thinking things

while she's doing her pageantry.

Practical. - I mean, if you're

doing it

for what men want, you'd just

be barefoot, right?

- I guess so, that's actually a

good point.

Yeah, yeah, we don't wanna do

that.

I feel like shoes are

potentially

the most important part of the

outfit, right?

- The shoes are the most--

- Okay, obviously the pushpins

are the most important, but.

- I don't know, I feel like the

first thing they see

is the accessories, you know?

Like I feel like instead of

matching, they should mismatch.

So like pink or blue, or

because it's Fourth of July,

red and then blue.

What do you think, Dave?

- I think that's a great idea.

Yeah, everything, anything you

say, babe.

(both sighing)

- I'm partial to white of the

red, white, and blue.

I think that's a good color for

that.

- Fair.

- We're supposed to get dressed

soon, or?

- Oh, right, yes, I need to get

you ready for the pageants.

We have a dress, we need to

figure it out.

- Okay, let's go. - Okay, all

right.

(upbeat music)

- Well, honey, it's finally

here,

the day we've been waiting for,

the Fourth of July pageants.

And you look so beautiful.

- Mom, I know I've been really

grumpy lately,

and I can't promise it won't

happen again,

but it does mean a lot how much

you've helped me.

I couldn't have done it without

you.

- I love hearing that.

Oh, you're so sweet.

And I just, this dress turned

out perfectly.

- You really think so?

- I think it's great.

- I love all the bedazzling we

did.

- You finally learned, and you

did it amazingly.

- I know, all bedazzled out.

I really love the feeling of

the fabric.

- Oh, babe. - Oh my God, babe.

He really should have.

(laughing)

- Ryan, how sweet of you.

What a thoughtful, thoughtful

woman you are.

- It's her big day, I just

wanted to feel special.

- Oh my gosh, thank you. - She

is special.

(laughing)

- I really think I have it in

the bag this year, guys.

- Oh, definitely.

- If you don't win, I'll be

disappointed.

- I really think we're gonna

win this year.

- I hope so.

- I hate just, you know, Betty,

I just don't think

she even bedazzled her dress

this year.

- I bet she didn't.

- I bet she doesn't even.

- I bet it won't even be sparkly.

It won't even shine in the

light.

- No, there's no way.

She's been so busy with like,

what is it?

- Practicing her talent, which

doesn't matter.

- Yeah, talent. - Of course,

right?

No, please, a talent of her bedazzling?

- Yeah, no. - No, she'll never

win.

- There's not a chance. -

Absolutely not.

I don't think so.

You know, Ryan, I think it's

really sweet of you

that you brought her flowers.

It's so nice that you support

all of her pageantry.

We only have 72 of these a year,

and so it just means a lot that

you come

and you support and you're

there in the audience for her.

She's just, she's just such a

sweetheart

and she works so hard.

Let me get this hair over here

too.

- Thank you, Mom. - That's

perfect.

You're welcome, sweetie.

Oh, yeah, this is just a lovely

relationship

that you two have.

So mutual, so nice.

- I'm just lucky to have her.

- That's so nice of you to say.

Well, we're always happy to

have you over,

no matter what kind of bouquet

you bring.

A big one, a small one.

- Do you wish it was red?

- You know, honey, some things

are bigger, you know,

so I think it makes up for it.

- I didn't want the flowers to

die,

so I got the fake ones so that

they could last forever.

- These are fake? - Oh, they're

fake.

- Yeah. - Oh.

- Like your love for my

daughter.

Fake. - Oh!

- No, no, no, no, lasting

forever.

- Got it. - Yes.

- Got it, understood. - Oh.

- Okay, okay, well.

That was a close call,

but I still support the

relationship

and as long as you support my

daughter

not becoming any sort of other

profession,

- Right.

- then I will support your

relationship, honey.

Thank you.

- Perfect.

Your hair's almost done.

I think we've got that going,

that's wonderful.

Oh, he'll just be the prettiest,

prettiest flower

up there on that stage

and I'll be looking at you and

thinking about myself

being up there. (sighs)

- Thinking about. (laughs)

- Yeah, honey, it seems to be

up there.

- Let me go. - Let me put this

on.

- Here.

All this makeup stuff here, let

me get that for you.

- Okay. - Okay.

Yeah, so I was seeking maybe a

little bit more neutral

just so it doesn't take away

from the.

- The dress. - You know.

- Sure, but I don't think we

should go neutral.

I think what we should do is

have a little bit of powder.

Here, let me see, let me see

your nose.

Okay, there we go. - Just

powder my nose.

- Let me get closer, yeah,

perfect.

This is good.

See, your natural beauty is

shining through.

This just enhances it, okay?

- Okay, yeah, okay.

I'm glad that makes sense for

sure.

- Yeah.

Do you think we're gonna have

time to finish the makeup?

- Of course, we have all the

time in the world.

- I'm just getting all stressed.

- I know, are you distracted

with your boyfriend here?

- No, no, no, no, I want him

here.

I just, you know.

I just feel like you're just

also just giving her

so much attention and it's not

really helping with my

anxiety, like this is supposed

to be my day.

- I'm trying to divide my

attention between

both of you equally.

- Do you think that this makeup

look's gonna be okay

for like the theme and

everything?

- Do you not trust all of the

work and the planning

that I've put into this theme?

I work on each of these themes

for two weeks straight.

I thought about your hair and I

thought about your lashes

and I thought about this

perfect little powder.

- I don't know, Mom, I'm not

like, you know,

judging whether or not you're

right.

I think I'm just a little bit

anxious because last year

I didn't win and we put in so

much work.

- We did put in a lot of work,

but I think that one girl

cheated, so this time we're

gonna be watching and making

sure that they are following

the rules because everything

that we've done is perfect.

- Yeah, honestly, maybe we

should record Betty.

Just in case she cheats again.

- Yes, that's a great idea. -

That's a great idea.

- Yeah. - Thank you, baby.

- Aw. - You're so supportive.

- He's so supportive. - Sure,

you're gonna be.

- I love that you have my mom's

back, too.

- Yeah, he really does. - You

have both of our backs.

- That's really sweet. - You're

so supportive.

- Don't want her mad at me. -

No, no, you do not trust me.

- I never get upset, okay? -

Yes.

- I am perfectly happy with

everything that's going on

except for whatever Betty's

doing.

- Honestly, I will say, I think

a big part of my anxiety

is you're spending so much time

on my mom and I feel

like you're not giving me, this

is supposed to be my day,

too, you know, my day more than

hers.

- Is it? - Yes, mom.

- I'm trying to divide my

attention equally between--

- Beep, please. - Okay, all

right.

(sighs)

- Here, let's just look at this.

- Wait, sure, whatever, put it

wherever it is.

- Oh my gosh, let me unpack

this from the couch, thank you.

- I don't think you should

stress, sweetheart.

- You know, just the flowers.

- Okay, let's not get upset

about the flowers.

- Let me just-- - Honey, he

probably spent

a good couple of dollars on

those, okay?

- Oh my gosh, fine. - Yeah, I

still think I'm on

the way here, I was planning it

for a long time.

- Yeah, I know, I know, babe, I'm

just a little stressed out

and just a little pent up and I

think I just--

- You're just anxious because

you have a whole stage show

to do, but don't even think

about it, all right?

You've got your dance number

ready, right?

Right, it's the Irish jig dance,

okay.

One and a two, this is, yeah,

perfect.

- Right, okay. - That's good.

We're gonna beat Betty. - Thank

you so much.

- You and I, we're gonna win

this.

We have to go now. - I'm going.

- We're gonna win. - I'm--

- This is luck, I think I need

a little help with this.

- Oh gosh, of course, whatever

you need, sweetie.

- Right, okay, yeah. - Yes,

this is perfect,

perfect dress, honey-- - I need

to keep

the tiara back on. - Don't step

on the bedazzles.

- Oh my gosh, you're so right,

mom, I'm so sorry.

- Here, can you shoot on her? -

Oh, yeah, mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm, yeah, okay.

- It's still looking great. - I

think so.

- It's just unfortunate that,

babe, I'm so sorry I destroyed

your flowers.

- They are, I mean, they are

pretty,

they aren't what I would have

chosen.

- But they are nice flowers.

- They're nice, sure, yeah,

absolutely,

it was a nice gesture, Brian, I

think that was,

it was a really nice thought.

- Yeah, just different color

palette.

- Different, maybe red, white,

and blue,

is all I'm saying, but you have

'til next year

to figure it out. - Yeah, yeah.

- I know, I suck at holidays. -

No, sweetheart,

you're doing just fine. - I

thought girls like pink.

- Yeah, I mean-- - Are they

supposed to be red?

Like roses? - Yeah, that's a

little

more romantic, but it's okay,

we have,

we have the Valentine's Day

Pageant,

he could bring red roses for

the Valentine's Day Pageant.

- Oh my gosh, it's not for a

while, but it gives you

a lot of time to like, at least--

- To actually, yeah, be, you

know, to put something together.

- Write it in your notes,

actually.

- Oh, that's a great idea. - I

think that's a good idea,

too. - Maybe a calendar or

something?

I think that would be great.

- Oh yeah, like a calendar,

yeah, that makes sense.

Did you, did you make sure that

you wrote

the rest of the year's pageants

in the calendar?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It sounds

like,

it sounds like you're lying to

me, sweetheart.

You know I'm going to find out,

I'm going to find out.

- I did, mom, yes, of course I

did.

That would make me so silly if

I did it.

- I know, you're such a good

girl.

You make sure that everything

is organized, okay?

I mean, I work really hard in

this family.

- Mm-hmm. - You know?

- No, yeah, you work so hard,

mom.

I totally wrote down every

single one.

I totally did forget to get to

you.

- Okay, you got the President's

Day, the President's Day.

- I have Memorial Day,

Valentine's Day.

- Memorial Day Pageant, right,

okay.

- So, I'm fighting, how could,

like, different?

- Appreciated. - Okay, here's

what I'm thinking.

Instead of the red, white, and

blue colors,

what we can do is bedazzle a

flag and turn it into a dress.

- No way! - This is, this is

why I do this.

- Actually, mom, you're kind of

cooked with that one.

That's a really good idea. -

You like that idea?

- Yeah, okay. - All right, that

won't offend

anyone to wear a flag as a

dress, you don't think?

- As long as it's all, like, on

the ground.

As long as we don't end up on

the ground.

- And as long as we bedazzle it

completely?

- Oh yeah, yeah, the car. - Oh

yeah.

- All the stripes, right, Ryan?

- Definitely bedazzle it. -

Yeah.

- Thank you, baby.

- I think it's even more

patriotic, the more jewels.

- So, for Easter, do you think

I should, like, have, like,

for the swimsuit contest, like,

two big Easter eggs?

Just like my bikini, or like a

bunch of little ones,

making, like, four? - So, I'm

gonna back up

on that and let you know that,

as your mother,

I will not allow you to enter

the bikini portion,

because I think it's too slutty.

- Mom. - What?

- I just-- - It's okay if we're

little,

like, you know. - Let's have

some respect, okay?

You need to cover your body,

okay?

- I think you should listen to

your mom, babe.

- There we go, thank you, Ryan.

- Really, whose side are you on,

babe?

- I mean, I'm trying to be on

both of your sides,

is that possible? - I don't

know, honestly.

- It's not even, like, it'll be

fine, like,

it's just a little bit of skin,

there's nothing wrong,

I'm just showing you a little

bit of skin.

- I guess a little bit of skin

is fine,

but it has to be one piece.

- Yeah, I know, like, yeah, you're

not used to, like,

seeing me, like, all sexy or

whatever, but like--

- I'm not, I'm just not. - It'll

be fine,

it's for the pageant, like, it's

not,

like, that's not super sexual,

like--

- Do you think that maybe you'd

have a better chance

of winning if you showed more

skin?

- I think so, yeah. - Well,

times have changed.

- Okay, so for mine, in my swimsuit

competition,

I won, dammit, I wore a ankle

to neck wetsuit, okay?

- Okay. - And I still won

because of the smile and the

blowjobs

that I gave the judges, so I

didn't have to show any skin.

It was all the way to my wrists.

- Mom, I'm telling you, you

have to be just a little bit--

- Slutty. - You mean risque?

- Yeah, a little bit risque,

whatever.

- But he says you're skinny

more, Mom.

- It's not heft to say that? -

She's not.

- It's okay to show a little

skin, I mean,

she can be talented and

gorgeous.

- Honey, I think it's jiggy,

okay?

Like, I can do anything. - Chicky,

chicky, Mom.

- What? - Oh my God,

you're so embarrassing. - How

am I embarrassing?

Honey, I've helped you with

this.

Year after year, we've won

exactly

one and a half competitions,

and I think we're gonna win

more this year.

- I, you know what, I do have a

feeling

we're gonna win more than a

beast, you know.

- Than we have in the past. -

You think so, sweetheart?

- It's been, I don't know, we

have like,

60 more chances this year,

right?

- We do, and we have outfits

and ideas for 50 of them.

- We just need to really think

about the others, okay?

- Right, what about for

President's Day?

'Cause that one's a little tuffy.

Like, should I wear a big top

hat, you think?

- I think you could wear a top

hat and that like,

judges wig. - Oh my gosh, like

the curly--

- I have one, I have one in the

closet.

- You do? - That you can borrow.

- I do. - Wait, wait, wait.

- Okay, your mother gets kinda

freaky sometimes too,

all right? - Ew, Mom, I do not

wanna

imagine you getting freaky. -

Not even in my Washington wig?

- But yeah, I don't know, I

think maybe we should work more,

and I know you said talent

doesn't matter too much,

but maybe we should just kind

of, just as a fallback,

you know? - Wait, you wanna

change?

Change your talent?

Honey, you've been working on

your Irish line dancing

for years. - I know, I just, I,

I get bored with it, 'cause it's

been years,

they always like, you know, I

just, like,

they completely just expect me

to always do the dance.

- Well sure, but that, I mean,

it honors our heritage,

right, it honors our heritage,

and I feel like

you've just gotten better and

better at this dancing.

- I know, and look, I do like

the dancing,

but it's something, again, like

you always did

during the pageants, it's

something you always won gold

for.

- Right. - And maybe I have

some talents

that you don't really know

about, 'cause I'm really open.

- What kind of other talents

could you have?

- We have lots of talents, you

know?

- She has lots of talents? -

Thank you, baby.

I have so many talents. - Like

what?

- Um, yodeling. - Oh, is that

that sound

we make in the shower? -

Sometimes.

- Honey, I don't know if that's

a talent,

or if that's, like, a problem.

- Mom.

- What? - Is definitely not a

problem.

- Okay, all right. - I like it,

and so does

my boyfriend. - Really, you

like her yodeling?

- Yep. - Okay, okay.

I mean, I guess we could try

something like that,

but I'd have to get you a yodel

instructor?

- I could always do-- - I only

know four of those.

- Yodeling, that sounds like

fun.

- Well, how would yoga be a

good talent on stage?

- Yoga, I feel like yoga could

be, maybe juggling.

- Oh, juggling, yeah, that'd be

great if it were 1952.

- Oh yeah, you would know,

right, Mom?

- I would, okay, and the jugglers

never did that well.

They did what, three, maybe

four oranges?

No one was impressed. - Well, I

was thinking I could

do, like, fire juggling, like

pyro juggling.

- Okay. - Or you could be, like,

stuff on fire, and I could, you

know.

- Okay, that would actually

kinda be terrible.

- I did burn myself last year.

- Oh, yeah.

- I remember with the glue gun,

so I--

- That's true, you might not

wanna do fire juggling

if you can't even handle a glue

gun,

but you've gotten better with

that.

What about bedazzled oranges on

fire juggling?

- Oh my God, wait, huh? - Uh-huh.

- Maybe onto something.

- I like it when we work

together, honey.

- I do too, when we actually

collaborate.

- Yeah, yeah, huh, hmm, hmm.

- I like it when we collaborate

too.

I like us working together on

these sorts of things,

you know? - Yeah, no, totally.

- Oh, gosh, watch out for your

dress.

You know, I was thinking that

this dress here,

it might be a little bit loose

on your bust area.

- Oh, I don't want it loose. -

I was measuring it earlier.

- Really? - Yeah, I have a

measuring tape

somewhere. - Oh yeah, I know

where I'm at.

- I know, I was measuring it

earlier,

and I think it might be a

little bit loose

in your bust area, sweetheart.

- You think so? - Yeah, I mean,

maybe you'll grow into it. - I,

yeah, I mean,

it was originally very just

small,

and you have much bigger boobs

than I do.

- Well, honey, we don't have to

call out

each other's body parts, okay?

- Oh, why?

- I mean, I don't think that's

very appropriate.

- You're sorry, I don't think

it's appropriate.

- I don't know. - I think you

both

have really nice tits. - Do you

really?

- Oh, that's so nice, how do

you like her tits in this dress?

- Uh, the dress-- - That's so

inappropriate.

- I'm so sorry, should I not

have asked that?

- No! - Okay, you're right, you're

right.

- I don't even think about,

like,

either of our tits right now,

like, it's--

- Yeah, we're trying to have a

serious

pageant conversation about pageants,

so we need to be doing that

instead.

- And crafts. - And crafts!

That is also really important,

so besides

the fire orange juggling, I

just can't think

of any other talents, what is

Betty's talent usually?

Besides peeing a bitch. (laughing)

Yeah. - That's a good robot.

- Thanks, thanks, honey.

We're gonna beat her this year,

sweetheart.

- No, she usually, like, I don't

know, she, she, like,

(sighing)

she does something different

every single year.

- She does!

Like, she likes to pretend she

has all these talents.

- She's skated, like, she

bought an entire

ice rink last year, it was

crazy.

- Do you think that's why she

won?

Do you think it was the ice

rink that she brought on stage?

- Again, mom, they don't care

about talent.

- Okay, okay, maybe because she

wore that

slutty little bathing suit, you

might have a point.

- Uh-huh, I see. - Yeah, I

think she should

show some skin too. - You think

so too?

- Yeah. - Uh-huh.

- Right, I mean-- - I mean, it

can't hurt, right?

- I guess, if you were a judge,

what would you be looking at?

Like, what kind of talent would

impress you?

Don't say blowjobs, okay,

because that would be

inappropriate. - So I'm not

supposed to look

at her tits. - Right.

- Any sort of skin. - Okay.

- Anything showing. - So like,

like a shoulder--

- Just her ankles. - Yeah, an

ankle,

shoulder shimmy dance. - Yeah,

I'll be looking

at the ankles if that's the

only skin there.

- Okay, maybe you should show a

little bit more ankle

at these pageants, sweetheart.

- Ankle?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Oh, okay. - And I don't think

that's where I was going with

that, but.

- I mean, this is very sweet,

that you're not vulgar

like those other boys at her

school.

- I'm, I really try to be-- -

He's really polite.

- A nice guy. - He's such a

gentleman.

- He is a gentleman. - He's

such a gentleman.

- I think that's true. - Aw.

- You did pick a good one with

this boy.

- I know, he brought flowers. -

I know, it was so much

better than the last one. -

Yeah, yeah, the other one

didn't even know what bedazzling

was.

Can you believe that? - Yeah,

yeah, yeah.

- What a crime. - But, yeah,

please listen.

- Wait, you didn't know? - I'm

sorry, baby.

- I mean, why'd you have to

tell her?

- You did not know what bedazzling

was.

- Of course, of course I knew

what it meant.

I just, I've never done it

before.

- You didn't understand the

craft?

What goes into it, the years of

hard work, the history?

The storied history of bedazzling?

- The word. - Maybe you could

teach me,

Mrs. Locke. - I mean, I don't

have

all the time in the world,

because it is such an art,

but I will do my best, okay?

I will do my best to deal with

this worthless,

worthless man who doesn't even

know.

- Oh my God, Mom. - What?

What did I say? - Read that

part.

- I said when you pick a

partner,

you pick one who knows our

crafts.

- Mom, it's your craft. - I'm

doing the best I can.

- Not our craft. - Anyway, I

guess bedazzling

isn't everything, I'm open to

that concept.

- I've never heard her say that

before.

- I'm just trying to be more

open-minded these days.

It's difficult when this was my

entire life,

and this was all I cared about,

and I just,

I wanna leave some space to,

maybe it isn't,

this is hard for me to say, but

maybe it isn't

everything that you care about.

- Do you, wait, do you mean

that?

- I want you to be honest with

me.

Is there something else that

you care about,

besides architecture, because

that is a garbage thing?

- Well, I do like archeology.

- Archeology, I mean-- - I love

arcs.

- You like arcs and the ology

of them.

Okay, I can get into this. -

Okay, yeah.

- Like the animals on the arc.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or character arcs. - Oh, a

character arc.

- No, all arcs, anything that

has an arc,

I really, really enjoy. - Okay,

yeah, all right.

- Well, I can get into that. -

Do you really mean it?

- Archeology is the study of

artifacts.

- No, it's arcs, why would it

have arc in it?

Anyway, that's okay, you should

go back to school.

- Oh, oh. - It's a good thing

you're really pretty, babe. -

And you get some nice

flowers, that's true too. -

Yeah.

- And what did you see those

represent?

- It was in like how fake,

right, 'cause it's--

- Forever, that's what-- -

Forever, right.

- Uh-huh. - Oh.

- I could see you two together

forever.

- Really? - He just has to

learn

what archeology means, but-- -

Bedazzling.

(laughing)

All of the above. - Uh-huh,

yeah.

- Oh my gosh, I really can't

believe the pageants tonight.

- Oh, I can't wait. - You know,

every single time

we do this, every 72 times, it's

like the first time.

- Oh, I'm so glad you feel that

way, sweetie.

- I do, really truly. - Yeah, I

mean,

it's just so much effort and so

much work,

and we keep not winning, but

eventually we will, right?

- Yeah, yeah, right.

I really, truly believe in us

this year.

- Yeah, you're gonna do great,

babe.

- What was that, baby? - I said

you're gonna

do great, babe. - Thank you so

much.

- Aw, say it, that's so sweet.

- You're really my

biggest cheerleader, baby. -

Besides your mother.

- Yes, Mom. - There we go,

that's my girl. - Thank you.

- Thank you. - But you can be

the second biggest cheerleader,

okay?

- Yeah, yeah. - You're more

like a--

- You're more like a, what do

they call them, a momager?

- Okay, is that a nice term? -

Yeah!

- That means I support you,

right?

- Yeah, it means you're the

best mother ever,

you're not overbearing, you're

very kind, selfless,

and put me and my needs first.

- Aw.

- On your own, and you

definitely don't live

vicariously for me. - That's

sweet, but I do.

I just, I want you to be a mini

me.

So maybe I'm not that, what you

say, you know?

- I didn't know you were so

self-aware.

I think therapy's really

helping you.

- Thanks, sweetie, it is.

It's telling me what I am,

which is self-absorbed

and obsessed with living

through you.

- Yeah. - But I don't know.

- Well, it's okay, I'm gonna

probably have to start

in like 20 years. - Yeah, you're

welcome.

- Because of you. - You're

welcome, sweetie.

- Of course. - Mm-hmm.

- Well. - Oh.

- Hi, babe. - You have the best

mom ever.

- I know, I really, I really do.

- Uh-huh. - You know, sometimes

we have

our struggles, but you know,

after so many years with you,

like, I really feel like we've

found some common ground.

- We definitely have, as long

as you're exactly perfect

and do everything I tell you to,

right?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- It sounds a little

controlling, don't you?

- Yeah, do you think, what, do

you think it's controlling?

- Well, I mean, I'm just.

- I feel like you have a lot of

opinions

about me as a mother. - Well,

you know, I just

don't know when to shut my

mouth sometimes.

- That's okay, you'll learn. -

Yeah, I think I am.

- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, oh my gosh, my shawl.

- Yeah, you cannot forget it. -

I cannot forget my shawl.

- Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, there it

is, yep.

- Wow, it's a sock. - Uh-huh.

Yeah, I think we have your

perfect outfit

all planned together. - I think

so, too.

- Yeah, it's the bedazzled

dress, this lovely fur

that we'll have over top of it.

- Yeah, what do you think, do

you like it?

Do you think it's a nice

addition?

- I love the bedazzled, the shawl

is just--

- Yeah, it is, it's very bedazzled.

- Yeah, the red, white, and

blue is perfect.

- That's true, hey, that works

with our theme,

red, white, and blue. - Yeah.

- Honey, look how smart he is.

- You're so smart. - You're so

smart.

Okay, I take back how angry I

was about the bedazzling thing.

I'm sorry, I get a little

heated sometimes.

- Oh, it's okay, I say dumb

things all the time.

- That's okay, you're self-aware,

too, are you in therapy?

- Yeah, no, but I probably

should be.

- Yeah. - He's in therapy?

- Yeah, he seems pretty self-aware.

Yeah, yeah, what about paleontology?

- Oh, that's my favorite. -

Well, that's paleont.

- Yeah, it's studying paleonts.

- Oh, no, it's the study of

fossils, actually.

- No, that sounds nothing-- -

No, it's like paleos,

like people that are paleo?

- Yeah. - Oh, like the diet?

- Yeah, like the diet. - Yeah.

- Yeah, like vegetarian paleo.

- That's not what it means. -

Yeah, it's the ology of it.

- It's the ology of it. - Uh-huh.

- Okay, I'm starting to pick up

what she's putting down.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's

the diet

that you study, I think. - Mm-hmm.

- Speaking of diets, I was

thinking of being a vegetarian.

- Yeah, were you? - Yeah.

- Okay. - Yeah.

- I could never, I love meat

way too much.

- You do, sweetie, yeah, I

guess so.

I mean, we try and eat healthy

in this family.

I think that's really important.

- Yeah. - Yeah, I mean,

because you have to have so

much energy

for dancing these jigs. - For

dancing.

- Yeah, for dancing. - But not

doing

the dancing anymore.

- Well, honey, you don't even

know how to juggle yet,

so you have to learn how to do

that first.

- Yeah, first, juggling is just

putting one thing

into the next hand, like it's

literally like.

- One hand into the next hand,

okay, right?

- That's the juggling is, right?

- I think so, I mean, I can't

think of any other talents

that she could do, so I'm not

really sure.

We don't wanna do the ogling,

we do know that.

- What's wrong with the ogling?

- Have you heard her yet? - I

mean, yeah.

- It's like a screechy thing,

we don't, it doesn't,

it's not. - It's screechy.

- Yeah, honey, it's screechy,

we're never gonna beat anyone

with screechy noises, okay? - I

just, I don't think

that you really believe in my ogling

career, and like,

it's so silly. - Well, no, I

don't, no,

I don't, okay, and I'm right,

and this is,

the whole point is that we're

not arguing with me,

because I know how this all

works, okay?

- I can't be an archaeologist.

- No.

How many-- - I can't be a paleontologist.

- No, you can't do the paleo

thing.

No, no, you can't do any of

those things,

and you know why, because how

many gold ribbon medals

did I win for my pageantry? -

Oh my God.

- Thank you, I know, we're

gonna talk about it again.

315. (sighs)

We, we won 315, right?

- 315. - Thank you, I know,

I make you say it before every

single pageant.

- I can get the solid two. - I

think you can get

another half of a win, and that

would count as two, maybe.

- I'm gonna have two. - So, I

mean, you won the one,

and that was for what, Easter

Sunday?

Easter Sunday pageant, I think?

- Yeah, yeah, I think it was, I

believe it was Easter, yeah.

- Yeah, mm-hmm, and then the

other half

was for St. Patrick's Day. -

That's right, when I gave

the judges the blowjobs. - You

did, and if you had

given better blowjobs, maybe

you would've won

the extra half, as I was saying.

- Oh my God.

- Right, mm-hmm. - I know.

- Yeah, well, you can always

try harder.

- Oh, you're so sweet. - No, so

sweet.

- He always picks up my crown.

- Aw, I know.

Well, I guess I can give Ryan a

better chance with you,

right, like I should be a

little bit sweeter.

- Oh, you should be. - He's

trying.

- He really is, he's trying so

hard, aren't you?

- He got flowers. - He's trying

so hard.

- And beautiful flowers. - Yeah,

and he did

fix your crown. - Uh-huh, he

always

makes my crown so good. - And

he loves ologies.

- He loves all the ologies

every single one of them.

- He doesn't know much about

them, but he did.

- He's just, he makes it up. -

Yeah, but he tries,

and we love that he tries. -

What about, is he here?

- He's trying to be a good

boyfriend.

- Yeah, you are being like a

boyfriend.

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, that's a good

friend.

- Yeah, good pageant boyfriend?

- Yeah, yeah, totally, yeah.

Like, the best, honestly, I

couldn't ask for anyone better.

- True. - Well, just get better

flowers

at some point. - Yeah.

- Oh, man. - 'Cause you're such

a good girlfriend. - What time

is it?

- It's so nice, oh, honey, we

have to get, here, let me--

- Oh, are you late? - Yeah,

well, no,

she's not gonna be late. - Well.

- No, daughter of mine is late.

- Oh, wait.

- Here's this, sweetheart. -

What about the dress?

- No, put this on. - Oh,

remember,

you're gonna show some more

skin, babe.

I think this is to still work

out.

- You're really, you think that's

a good idea?

- Well, let me fix your makeup.

Let me see.

Oh, this shine will be perfect

for the judges.

They'll see it all the way on

stage.

- Oh, my God, really? - Sweet,

I'm so proud of you.

- Thank you. - I know.

(lips smacking)

You ready to tip it?

Honey, put on your panties,

okay?

It's not being appropriate. -

Oh, yeah, of course.

Okay, I'm so sorry, Mom.

Okay. - There we go.

- How do I look? - She's great.

- Yeah? - What?

- I think this is perfect. - Oh,

my gosh.

- Yep, we'll make sure it'll

shine for the judges

to see on stage and maybe bedazzle

your nipples.

- Oh, that's such a great idea.

- I know, we are a great team.

Mom. - I love you.

- I love you too, sweetie. (lips

smacking)

Okay, let's go. - Let's go.

- Let's get ready. (sighs)

(lips smacking)

(clicking)