Original subtitles

Hi, I'm David Faustino, Bud Bundy, Merriwood Children. This is what happens

I drink. My money's gone, my mother's a midget, and my wife left me for my

neighbor, Julio. This is my best friend, Corin Emmett, former star of TV's

Parker Lewis Can't Lose. He did lose.

My manager's been with me since I was in diapers. Now he's in diapers.

When I'm not trying to kill myself, I run a porn shop left to me by a crazed

fan. Oh, and I'm also freakishly short. Thanks, God.

A little lonely present over here.

Ooh.

Shake it.

Yeah.

Oh, it's, uh... It's glue.

Really strong glue. Next time your teeth fall out, you can just glue them back

in. Oh, I got one right here in my pocket.

See? Suddenly not having any dental insurance is no big deal, huh?

Let's see.

Let's see. You got there.

You fooled me.

Nice, Andy. For you, huh?

You forgot about me.

What do we got here?

Five minute mini therapy session.

What the fuck do I need therapy for?

Dave, you're very angry.

No, I'm not.

Yeah, you are.

No, I'm not.

All right, maybe you're right.

I'm sorry about that hit. I will go to therapy, I promise, and I'll work on

that. I really apologize.

It's time for your session.

Yeah.

How are you? Good.

Dr. Lipschitz. I'm David. Nice to meet you. Come on in, David.

Get on the bed, you little bitch.

Fucking corn.

It's my goddamn bed!

You dick, cocksucker, pussy ass!

No, no, no!

Enough!

Enough!

Come! Come!

That's my wife.

She runs the S &M business in the house, too.

Then she's sucking up all my clients.

How can I compete with that?

Well, you could say...

Nothing.

Okay.

We've only got five minutes, you cheap fuck.

So what's your problem?

Anger. Oh, I can understand that.

You're short, you're ugly, you have no future, and you have a tiny little dick.

Who told you I have a tiny little dick?

My wife texted me.

I can still hear her laughing.

Maybe that's why she didn't suck me off.

No, I don't think so.

Anyway, time's almost up.

But what do you do?

Oh, I'm an actor, a comedian.

I was on a show for 11 years, Bud Bundy from Married with Children.

Yeah, I don't know you.

Anyway, I think I have a solution for you.

I have a brother, a twin brother.

He runs a network.

A network?

What network?

Al Juheda. Al Juheda? The network that hates Jews?

Wow, that's big time.

Oh, yeah, it's real big time.

I'd like to adapt better than I am. This room of a bitch is too hot.

I don't know how you people stand it. I like that towel you're wearing. I bet

that's cooler than what I got on.

What's your idea now? Well, I want to have something like the greatest hit of

Osama bin Laden.

Get out of here now.

These fucking Jews, they never pay me.

What'd you say? Wait, hey, what?

What'd you say? I say you still owe me for 9 -11.

You keep your fucking mouth shut, boy.

I'll call you when I need you.

Yeah, who are you guys?

Mr. Lipschitz?

Yeah.

David Postino, Corin Nemec, your brother, Mr. Lipschitz. Oh, my brother

you? Yeah, did he tell you he was going to send you? Yeah, he said he was

sending a couple of schmucks over here. I said, what do you want?

Okay, we thought a new show for Al Juheda would be great. You know, both of

are big stars in Hollywood. He's bigger, but, you know. You may have seen some

of our work. David Postino, Bud Bundy, Married with Children, 11 Seasons.

Oh, yeah. Parker Lewis.

That's shit.

That's shit.

I got an idea. I just had an idea. You two are the new odd couple.

You guys are about as odd as they come. But this time, you've got a next -door

neighbor who's a fag Middle Easterner. And we're going to use Osama bin Laden

that role.

Osama bin Laden? Yeah, yeah.

Now, hey, bring Osama back in here.

Bring him back.

Come here, O.

Bud Bundy.

I'm a very big fan of yours. I watch your show all the time. Yes.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

All right, we're going to do a new series.

It's going to be The Odd Couple. You remember The Odd Couple? It doesn't

Anyway, this is The Odd Couple. You're going to be their next -door fag

neighbor. Come again? It's going to be a fantastic idea.

It is kind of funny, but it's not that funny, okay?

Yeah, yeah.

What's the problem?

I'm not comfortable playing a gay neighbor. Oh, you'll get comfortable.

We're going to make it.

Look, I would really love to do this with Bud Bundy as one of Al Juheda's

project is. You three.

Al Juheda? It's a good show? Yeah, Al Juheda.

The new idea.

The new odd couple. Thank you, Mr. Lipschitz. It was a pleasure. Very good.

Yeah, we'll talk to you. Bye -bye.

Congratulations.

Oh.

Dead man, Bundy.

What the hell did you do? Well, he said that... You know what you just did? That

was a compliment. That's Osama Bin Laden. You spat on him, you dumb

told me that was a compliment? Maybe it is. That's disgraceful.

That sucks.

What about our show? You're a disgrace to your country. God, get out of here!

And we're back.

Welcome to Cave Talk.

I'm your host, Osama Bin Laden. If you don't like my show, I kill you.

He's Jew of all Jews.

Michael Richard.

Michael Richard is on my show.

You crack me up. Go ahead and you crack me up.

He's so loud.

What did you do to my poppy seeds?

I smoked them.