Original subtitles

Hi, I'm David Faustino, Bud Bundy, Merriwood Children.

This is what happens when I drink. My money's gone, my mother's a midget, and

wife left me for my neighbor, Julio. This is my best friend, Corin Nemec,

star of TV's Parker Lewis Can't Lose. He did lose. My manager's been with me

since I was in diapers. Now he's in diapers.

When I'm not trying to kill myself, I run a porn shop left to me by a crazed

fan. Oh, and I'm also freakishly short. Thanks, God.

There you go, sir.

Is this for you, sweetheart?

Oh, I thank you. Tell your friends about our shop.

It's going to be some sabbath.

Thank you.

Wow.

We're safe.

You folks have fallen a little bit behind in your payment.

You don't come up with another $190. By this time tomorrow, this shop goes into

permanent foreclosure.

$190? You can't do that. That's illegal, man. I'm going to call the cops.

Go ahead. Call the cops.

We own their houses, too.

Have a nice day.

I have some bailout money to count.

This is bullshit.

You can't do this.

$190?

How can we even raise that in a day? That's impossible.

It's impossible.

You're going to have to sell your memorabilia, sweetie.

No!

This was supposed to be for my grandkids. I can show them.

We need money now.

36,

20. I just don't see the point in that.

What do you mean? We've got money in the kids.

Look at how upset it's making me. I know it's 24, 36, 24.

You're not going to find it. I mean, you know, it's virtually impossible.

Whoever pulled off this job is obviously a professional safecracker. I mean, you

know, there's just not a chance in hell.

Here it is.

Huh?

David Bustino's personal items to be auctioned off in a Vegas hotel room one

night only have to get there tonight. Why?

What are we going to do?

I got it.

It's fucking locked.

Well, let's just go home, man.

Don't be a pussy.

God. Stand back.

Huh?

Fuck.

Fuck!

Fuck that, I'm fine!

We're selling a whole lot here, right? No partials. It's all or nothing, folks.

I've got personally autographed panties from Christina Applegate. Snagged those

myself. A stack of David Faustino suicide notes.

A used condom from the Paris Hilton affair.

And for you sick freaks, David Faustino at the birth. Not available in stores.

Just here, folks. Mmm, delicious.

And a personal blow -up love doll of Mr. David Faustino. And the most coveted,

David Faustino's sex tape.

Who's that sex tape with?

Himself. And it's disgusting.

Well, you all right?

Give me out!

I mean the afterbirth of the great American TV icon, David Faustino!

You're all right in a few months there, old man. A little massage will clear

that up.

Don't bleed on him.

It was that Parker Lewis guy that sold us this buffalo. Get out of here. It was

Corky Devitt. Get out of here.

Aren't you Bud Bundy, man?

I'm a single mother.

Single? Hmm.

What would you do for a potato?

Oh, well, what wouldn't I do? Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I'm just saying. Come on over here, Purple Rain.

Love the dress.

Oh, just for a minute.

Mom!

That's so great!

You like potatoes?

Mm -hmm. Do you like potatoes?

Oh, I...