Original subtitles

Hi, I'm David Faustino, Bud Bundy, Merriwood Children. This is what happens

I drink. My money's gone, my mother's a midget, and my wife left me for my

neighbor, Julio. This is my best friend, Corin Emmett, former star of TV's

Parker Lewis Can't Lose. He did lose. My manager's been with me since I was in

diapers. Now he's in diapers.

When I'm not trying to kill myself, I run a porn shop left to me by a crazed

fan. Oh, and I'm also freakishly short. Thanks, God.

I'm so tired and hungry I can't even pull this trigger.

I better eat something so I can kill myself.

Oh, morning wood.

What a waste.

Stop!

Bitch, what are you doing in there? Oh, bro, I passed down here last night

looking for some food.

Well, guess what?

There is no food.

Let's order in.

Come on, man. Credit cards are maxed. What?

Mom, who's mom? Mom!

Oh, she's, uh, she's out on location.

I don't think your tiny little cogs are good for my health.

Why don't you bring in the specialist?

Oh, famished.

So hungry.

I'm so hungry I could eat, uh...

So I don't really need anything.

Okay, now fuck that. Fuck that. We're not doing it.

Are we Korean?

Wait a second.

What's that smell?

Julio!

I ain't taking them birth controls no more. When are you going to get

girl? I need me a little half and half baby.

Barbie.

Now I'm counting on Nick for a free meal when you're in need.

Thank you.

Not bad, huh? Oh, yeah.

Nick, thank you so much, man. I mean, you know, we're hurting right now, so

thank you.

What the fuck is this?

It's chicken. What's wrong?

I said it's too spicy.

I mean, it's just spicy.

I said it's too spicy. Hey, ungrateful ass. Get the hell out of my restaurant.

Now, get out.

Hey, just, hey.

I'm sorry.

Get out of here. Sorry.

Get it while it's still fresh.

Hey!

Hey, Kato!

Hey, what's up, man?

Hey, what's happening?

Uh, pitch meeting. Had a good meeting.

Oh, yeah? Probably gonna get a show. Oh, yeah? Probably gonna get a TV show of

my own. So works good.

Working a lot. Like I said, things are going pretty good. How about you guys?

Oh, we're doing great. We've got a bunch of projects going on.

We've got a porn shop going. We're making a lot of money at the porn shop.

raking it in, actually. Is it tapes or just DVDs? I don't have a DVD player.

So, Cato, what's on the menu in there?

Chicken wings and all that. You wouldn't mind sharing a, you know, just like,

you know, just one little piece. No.

Seriously, that's what you're hanging out for. I thought you were my friends.

No. This is my pool. We can't even throw us a morsel? Yeah, not even like one

wing? I'm starving!

Oh, it's like that. Come on, it's like that. Oh, okay. Okay, cool. All right.

Hold it!

Get together! Watch my new show!

Well, Mom always told me, when in need, go to God.

You too.

the fucking cash.

Kato! Yeah, give me the fucking cash.

No! Give me the fucking cash or I'll kill you.

No, you won't. Oh, yeah, I'll kill you both, so give me the fucking cash.

Bullshit. Oh, then I'll ass -fuck you.

Wait, after we're dead?

Yeah, after you're dead, so give me the cash. Give him the money!

I cannot accept this, guys. Why?

It's painted.

Oh, this is bullshit. Give me my blood.

I can't believe this.

Doc, how are we supposed to get this back in us now?

I'll tell you how, Dave.

Uh, Corin, that... Corin?

That's mine.

God,

that's disgusting, Dave. How could you let me do that? You just started

it. Is it good?

Not bad.

You guys are disgusting.

How dare you do those things in a place like this? All these years, I've never

seen anything like that.

I can't taste it. I don't know if it's working.

And you know what? If I'm not getting paid for this, then I'm getting paid in

these.

All of them.

I'm taking them all.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on.

Well, you know, nothing.

What's this?

What? This?

Uh... Sperm.

Uh... Perm.

What's that?

Perm... Sperm perm.

Why are you walking around with sperm?

Oh, but this is not from now. It's from earlier... Sort of today. Oh.

Hey. You've got a beautiful white family having a picnic here. What's wrong with

you?

We didn't mean it.

It's disgusting.

But we're... Perm...

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Oh, that.

I want to smell it. It's my thing.

Oh, it's delicious.

It's still warm.

Oh, what's that? Oh, oh, oh, oh. Hey.

Yes. That's my order, two foods.

Just be thankful that I didn't ask, fuck you.

Again, boss, you know.

He already robbed us at gunpoint. I'm crazy.

The bird.

Birds. He beat me.