Original subtitles

Hi, I'm David Faustino, Bud Bundy, Merriwood Children. This is what happens

I drink. My money's gone, my mother's a midget, and my wife left me for my

neighbor, Julio. This is my best friend, Corin Emmett, former star of TV's

Parker Lewis Can't Lose. He did lose. My manager's been with me since I was in

diapers. Now he's in diapers.

When I'm not trying to kill myself, I run a porn shop left to me by a crazed

fan. Oh, and I'm also freakishly short. Thanks, God.

That's a wrap, life.

This is the home of David Faustino, formerly known as an actor. But over

we have Coolio's house.

Staying there is David Faustino's ex -wife.

You might want to get a picture.

You seen the paper?

Y 'all got that?

Good, good.

Let's move on.

As we get to the crest of the hill... Don't fall on my side.

Hello! Hey!

Look! Look! You're back!

Married Children goes to the big screen!

Huh? Live news crew to film the table read! What?

Yeah! Drew to help!

Drew? That's big time! Hell yeah!

Wow! I'm going to the big screen!

I'm going to the big screen!

I almost just killed myself!

I'm going to ride on your coattails!

Let's fuck along. We've got to wait for this guy, Jay.

You know, we're waiting on him.

Some things don't change.

Hey.

That's not an entrance.

Sorry. Hello.

Hey. Hey, buddy.

Good to see you. Katie.

This is exciting, huh?

Movie. Hi, Christina.

Hey. Hi, sweetie. Oh, John. Sorry I'm late, guys. There was a little traffic

coming over the hill.

All right. We ready to go?

No traffic.

Yes. All right, let's get going.

Married with children movie, scene one, act one, interior bungee house, night,

Al enters.

God, I hate my life.

You hate your life? I gotta fuck you.

Daddy, Bud's downloading porn on my computer again.

I'm gonna get a virus.

Don't worry, Kel. You can only get herpes one.

Fuck Seth Green doing here?

What's up, Seth?

I'm playing Bud Bundy.

What is this? What is this? A roast or a joke of some sort? Are you kidding me?

Pizza guy? Yeah.

Oh, you're playing the pizza guy? Oh, that's cool. No, no, no, no. You.

Huh? Pizza guy.

They told me that they talked to you.

That's funny. Are you part of... Well, because they called me and they asked me

to come in and play Bud Bundy. And I said, well, isn't Dave going to do that?

And they're like, oh, no, Dave's not going to do that. You guys are kidding

right? What am I?

Am I on punk or something? Or am I being candy camera? What's going on?

It's very awkward.

This is my comeback. This is my opportunity to make some money. Seth

playing Bud Bundy. I can't play it good enough now?

All right, you know what? This is bullshit. Somebody get my manager on the

right now!

Uh, he's over there, Dee.

Ira, please!

Ira!

Ira! I'm too... I mean, I'm a professional person. I get hired quick.

know. Don't worry about it. You're trying to kick me off the show!

Ira!

When I take a job, it's because I intended to do it.

What? Mr.

Director, sir, I just don't understand what's going on here.

Ed didn't want you.

Katie didn't want you.

Christina didn't want you. The studio doesn't want you. You starting to see a

pattern here?

What about you? I don't get a vote. I'm a fucking Jew.

I'm not a fucking kosher.

What's going on here? Look, now, David, you're just going to have to calm down.

And I really can't help you.

Why can't you help me? Look, the truth is, you know, you and I were really

that close.

But you were like my mother.

Yeah, I was like your mother. I'm not your mother. You're going to have to

care of this yourself. This is a job. We have to act professionally. I need a

job. I know you need a job. But, you know, you got a job. You're the pizza

Just relax. You're the pizza guy. It's going to be fine. It's a moment in time.

How could you do that to me? Hey, Dave, you know, listen. You know, I got no

problem with you. You know that. I wanted you. Okay. I'm dying to have you

the fucking thing. But this director, he... The director just told me you

want me.

This fucking asshole. You believe that? I don't know what to believe. All I know

is I need to eat. This was my... This was my comeback.

Here's the thing. Can I be honest with you? Yeah.

That green is pretty good.

I gotta admit, a little bit. Pretty good.

Oh, yeah?

Well, maybe you can slide me a keynote or something, because I'm starving.

Okay. Your cheerleaders aren't going to bend themselves.

What the hell? Seth, listen. Hey. Yeah, hey. Hey.

Wow. Crazy, huh? I'm so sorry. This is incredibly uncomfortable.

Oh, it's really uncomfortable. But, you know, it's fine. We'll just, we'll find

something for you in here and we'll clear it up. Oh, for me?

Yeah. Oh, I'm playing, I'm playing Bud.

Listen, in all honesty, you're not. This is my role that I did my whole life, so

I'm going to have to go ahead and play that role, but we'll find something

better than Pizza Guy, maybe. Listen, I totally appreciate that, and I

understand the predicament that you're in. This is not going to work for me,

okay? Because this is my role that I've built. I know, and what's so weird is my

entire life, people have thought that I was Bud Bundy, so this is sort of like

coming full circle for me, finally getting to play it, but in the movie

Christina, Christina, come on. Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave. I

cancer, okay? So leave me alone.

I know about the whole cancer thing, but I really need this

job. Really?

Yes, I need a job. Really, you're doing this right now?

After everything that I've been through, you're coming to me about this? No, I

know you went through a lot. Like, I could give a fuck. Are those the new

You're a cocksucker.

They're not the new ones, no.

Fucking asshole.

Fuck. Fuck.

Please, fuck.

Fuck you, Dave.

Oi! You! You!

Oi!

Corin!

He's giving me your pizza guy role.

Hey, D.

What's up? Hey, buddy. Hey.

What can I do for you?

Hey, listen. I just got this new gig on a new Internet show.