Original subtitles

Hi, I'm David Faustino, Bud Bundy, Merriwood Children. This is what happens

I drink. My money's gone, my mother's a midget, and my wife left me for my

neighbor, Julio. This is my best friend, Corin Emmett, former star of TV's

Parker Lewis Can't Lose. He did lose. My manager's been with me since I was in

diapers. Now he's in diapers.

When I'm not trying to kill myself, I run a porn shop left to me by a crazed

fan. Oh, and I'm also freakishly short. Thanks, God.

Okay. Goodbye, life.

Oh, come on, you stupid fucking piece of shit! I'm trying to kill myself here!

Warned. Statutory rate? When the hell did I do that?

That is definitely getting burned.

Give positive.

That sounds good. That's a keeper.

Right on.

What the fuck, Dave?

What the hell are you doing in there?

Just trying to light myself on fire.

Okay, that's it. This has just gone too far. We need a vacation. We need to get

out of town, go to my Uncle Hugh's in Kentucky, do a little barbecuing, a

fly fishing, and I'm going to fuck my cousin, Becky.

Goodbye, parking tickets.

So

what's Kentucky

like? Oh, you'll see.

Oh, yeah.

You

two are

trespassing on my property.

Uncle Hugh, it's me.

Corky.

Uncle Hugh.

Who's your pretty little friend?

Oh, he's... Oh, no. I'm good. I'm good.

Excuse

me

a minute while I take care of some business.

No, no, no!

What the hell did you do that for?

Them two stole from me.

I think.

Or was it them two?

Who's ready to eat?

You've been gone quite a while, Corky. A lot of things have changed around here.

Oh, Uncle Hugh.

Where's Cousin Becky?

My kissing cousin?

Becky, get your ass in here!

I'm bush hogging my beaver, Daddy.

your request.

Becky!

Becky!

Becky! Becky!

Get in the kitchen and help your mama.

Aw.

Stay in your room tonight.

We got supper, boy.

After supper, I'll show you the whole operation.

You knocked the shit out of her.

Come on in here.

This here's what I call my lab.

What kind of lab is it?

It's a meth lab.

Oh, yeah. Now, see, you mix this stuff in here, it comes around here, you lock

the torch over there, and at the end product, this is what we got. And we

it to all the kids across America. It's really good.

Hey,

who you trying to call?

I'm calling the sheriff, okay? This is bullshit.

I is the sheriff.

He's been the sheriff for 25 years, Dave. Call him.

You is the sheriff?

Now, we got an assembly line working here. Wait a minute.

I just shot them two beaners.

Well, then I guess you two will have to fill in.

I don't... I know you're kin, so I know you won't steal from me.

But I don't know about your little Jew friend here.

Well, no, I'm not a Jew. Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to

shoot your little Jew friend in the ass.

That's what I'm going to do. But I'll go easy on you.

It's okay.

Hey, you guys want to continue that now?

Sure.

Can I help?

Deal. Okay.

Oh, I love to keep it in my...

Let me pick the vacation spot, okay? It doesn't hurt so bad.

Jesus was a pussy.

It's like they're in their jeans all at the same time.

Happiest day of my life.

Martha!