Original subtitles

Hi, I'm David Faustino, Bud Bundy, Merriwood Children.

This is what happens when I drink. My money's gone, my mother's a midget, and

wife left me for my neighbor, Julio. This is my best friend, Corin Emmett,

former star of TV's Parker Lewis Can't Lose. He did lose. My manager's been

me since I was in diapers. Now he's in diapers.

When I'm not trying to kill myself, I run a porn shop left to me by a crazed

fan. Oh, and I'm also freakishly short. Thanks, God.

What? Say it to my face, motherfucker!

Oh, God.

Oh,

God.

You look like you could use a free gym membership.

What makes you say that?

We offer free self -defense classes.

Why would I need self -defense?

I'll take it.

Is that all you got in you, big homie?

Hello.

Hi,

David. Hi, guys.

I didn't know you two worked out here.

Yeah, we got the Lifetime Celebrity Women Tour.

For free?

Yes, sir.

Fucking bitch!

Calm down, bud.

Why is it always going to be butt?

All right, all right, all right, all right, all right.

You look good, David. Thanks.

I'm going to go pull up.

Good to see you two.

I'm going to go pull it up.

Bitches must be.

All right, everyone reach for the sky.

Reach.

Tickle the stars.

Tickle the stars.

Tickle them.

You stretch your arms to the ceiling, not your legs, although I don't really

mind that too much.

Up. There. Yes. Up.

Down. Up.

A little up. A little down.

Yes. No, but a little up and a little down at the same time.

A little up and a little down. It's the same.

What?

What?

What time, John?

Shh. This is how you spend your day, everyone.

You're doing great.

You're doing great. I'm going to help the new student real quick.

Don't get your fucking hands off me.

Don't you. Shh.

Sorry, class, but I'm late. Did everybody have a good weekend?

I'm so proud of you. You're all in poses already. Oh, look at that.

We have a new one.

Hi. Hi. Do you need some help?

Yes, yes, I do. Yes?

Okay, you're a little wide.

Why don't you take those buns and jump a little bit. Okay. Okay. And go down.

Breathe.

And breathe.

We start tomorrow morning, 5 a .m. Be here.

Well, I just went swimming. I'm cold.

Pools need it, tiny.

5 a .m. Be here.

Steroids, steroids, steroids, steroids.

Don't do it, Dave.

He's crazy.

Thank you.