Original subtitles

Hi, I'm David Faustino, Bud Bundy, Merriwood Children.

This is what happens when I drink. My money's gone, my mother's a midget, and

wife left me for my neighbor, Julio. This is my best friend, Corin Emmett,

former star of TV's Parker Lewis Can't Lose. He did lose.

My manager's been with me since I was in diapers. Now he's in diapers.

When I'm not trying to kill myself, I run a porn shop left to me by a crazed

fan. Oh, and I'm also freakishly short. Thanks, God.

Hi, I'm Alan Six, beloved TV... father here to make you rich like me.

Oh, I'm not talking Kelsey Grammer rich, but I do okay.

Why?

Because I sold out completely.

Alan Thicke, what a douchebag.

Actually, I've known Alan a long time.

He's a really nice guy. He's done really well for himself. He's done great with

these infomercials. His son, Robin Thicke, he's even more richer and more

than him.

I mean, he's a huge pop star now. He's worth trillions.

Trillions?

Get rich with alanthick .com. You click, I stay rich.

Where can we find Alan Thick? I don't know what you're thinking over there,

Alan's Canadian.

Where's the nearest ice rink?

You are sharp as a tack.

They could have made the big. I know it.

They said I wasn't tough enough.

Hollywood hockey, that's all I'm good for.

Yeah, yeah. So I would give half my fortune to these departments.

Get him!

Get him!

What's this?

Give us your filthy rich son Robin Thicke's phone number right now or else.

Torture.

It's a black one connected to the right testicle and red to the left.

Don't let me stop you.

You know I do like this.

Juice them up! Juice them up!

Hit it! Hit it!

It's what they did just before my penis reduction. We got a good old -fashioned

ripping out of the fingers.

In Canada, we call that a manicure. And make sure you get this one.

Let me know when you start.

Oh, my God.

Is this guy going to start soon?

I don't believe this. He's not human.

He's not fucking human!

Waterboarding. No one can take a good old drowning.

If you're the senior agent, you go ahead and pour the water. Okay.

You ready? Yeah.

I'd be offended if I nod off.

You're going to give us Robin's number. Come on!

Give us Robin's number! Get it to us!

He's supposed to start freaking out now.

He should start gagging and drowning.

Don't forget to twist those nipples.

What? You know I once fucked a moose? Ah, fucking son of a bitch! We can't

get that fucking number!

Now what?

You got any beer?

The TV family!

The TV family? The TV family!

Why didn't we think of that in the first place? I have no idea. They all have

money. Forget about Robin Thicke. Yeah, fuck that.

All right, let's do it.

My father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Oh, Lord.

Please don't let this be David Faustino.

Hello? Kirk Cameron?

David Faustino!

He passed.

Shit! All right, plan B.

Tracy Gold.

You've got Alan.

What's the project?

No, um... We've got Alan.

Yeah.

Yeah? We have him.

We got him blocked.

I don't get it. What do you need me for?

Don't you want to see Alan alive again, Tracy?

Then we need your money.

What are you guys talking about?

Uh, that's it.

Smart girl. Smart girl playing dumb. Nothing sexy.

So, uh, there is no project?

No.

So you got me all the way down here, and there's no project?

We have Alan Fitt.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

There's your check from the other day.

Has been.

Thank you!

What about the other son on the show? You know, the dorky one, the blonde

goody -goody? Oh, the little brother. Yeah. Jeremy Miller. That's right,

Miller. I used to smoke weed with him all the time. Really?

Yeah, he's not a goody -goody.

Hi, I'm Alan Thicke, beloved TV father, here to make you rich.

Please don't let this be David Faustino.

Hello? Jeremy Miller?

We have your father.

And we're gonna kill him.

My father?

Well, I mean, it's not your real father. It's, you know, your TV dad, Alan

Thicke.

And? And if you give us one trillion dollars in small unmarked bills

immediately, he's dead, you faggot. A trillion dollars?

All I got is like a hundred bucks and a sack of weed.

We'll take it!

5 p .m.

Vanite! Nice rink.

Be there, bitch.

Go down to the mall and sign autographs.

Well,

Mr. Pick, you might not be worth a trillion bucks, but we're going home.

What's the matter? No more smart -ass remarks, Mr. Canada?

Mr. Tookie!

You first.

You first.

You first.

You first.

Hey, come on. You guys flight it first.

You first.

I don't trust you losers a bit.

Flight it first, then I'll flight it over. You pass your stuff over.

We'll pass our goods over. We meet in the middle.

Same time.

On three.

On three.

One.

Two.

Thank you.