Original subtitles

Hi, I'm David Faustino, Bud Bundy, Merriwood Children. This is what happens

I drink. My money's gone, my mother's a midget, and my wife left me for my

neighbor, Julio. This is my best friend, Corin Emmett, former star of TV's

Parker Lewis Can't Lose. He did lose. My manager's been with me since I was in

diapers. Now he's in diapers.

When I'm not trying to kill myself, I run a porn shop left to me by a crazed

fan. Oh, and I'm also freakishly short. Thanks, God.

You have created the biggest grossing show we've ever had. Huge.

We're really happy here at the network. I mean, you created a million, a billion

dollar baby for us.

Billion dollar baby. Okay.

A billion dollar baby for us. Billion.

Look at her right here. She's kind of entertaining.

Yeah, I know. Look at her. She doesn't have to do anything. She doesn't have to

do anything. Listen.

Life, this life we have here is kind of like a relationship.

Yeah. Where you give each other things. You pleasure each other. Yeah. For

example. Exactly. And both of you get pleasure out of it. And you end up with

something very pleasant, which is, in this case, money.

What we want to do with you. What we want to do to you. Around you. Okay,

come on.

She has to tell us who it is.

Yes. She wants to work with. Who do you want to create?

Your next show. Anybody.

Anybody you want. My favorite actor is Bud Bundy. And I want to create his next

show.

She's hilarious.

What a fucking hilarious idea.

Brilliant. Straight delivery.

Straight delivery.

She's breaking shit. I will smack the shit out of you little white bitch. Hold

it, hold it.

Are you sure that's what you want? I want it!

Mr. Faustino, give me my money. I don't have any money.

Give me my motherfucking money. I don't have any motherfucking money. You little

faggot cocksucker. You said you would work for free. You know I'm unemployed

right now until I get some money. No more tamales.

Is someone going to answer the fucking phone?

I'm trying to sleep over here.

Hello? David!

David, we spent you.

Wow. The network, we were just talking about you today.

Who?

It's Steve.

It's Melinda.

Right. Dave, Dave, Dave. What?

The network.

It's the network, Dave. The network.

The network.

Hello? Every generation a talent like yours comes along.

So you have to give it a generation of new viewers to really appreciate

something like you, something like what you do. So we had to wait for the right

person, and the right person just walked into my office today. Just walked in

today. Dave, you are so funny.

Hilarious. Oh.

Well, yes, it is true. I have to admit.

We've been missing you. We've been missing you. We miss you. And the thing

We'll put you on the back of a milk carton. Okay.

We've got a great producer on the line.

What's this deal?

She wants you to be the center of her next big show. She wants you to be the

center. When do you want to meet me?

Today. Right now.

Yeah! Oh, she's not working. They want a show for me. They want to create a new

show for me. I'm going to come down there right now.

I'm back!

I gotta get ready for this meeting. It's pretty important.

Dave, you're a star now, man. You got people to take care of that stuff for

again. Look, you go get polished up.

I'll bury the dead Mexican, all right? Um, Corn, she's from Puerto Rico, okay?

She's Puerto Rican.

That's really, that's really racist. That's just rude.

It's because she's Latino.

It doesn't mean she's Mexican. I'm sorry, man. Okay, apologize and chop her

all right?

I'm sorry.

Really am gonna miss those tamales, though.

Mr. Faustino, give me my money. Okay.

No more tamales.

I want you so bad.

Is that how to get me to 5 -3?

Well,

I'm out of here, man. Wish me luck.

Good luck, Dave, but before you go, we have to have at least one celebratory

drink. Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not having a drink, man. That could be

disastrous. Come on, Dave, seriously.

Me and you, we can't have one drink like two gentlemen here to celebrate this

amazing occasion in your life?

You know what?

You're right. What kind of pussies are we if we can't have one drink? Yeah,

dude, please!

All right!

my only chance at a television comeback.

Dave, Dave, don't worry about it, man. You'll get another.

Really? You think so?

No, I highly doubt it, but we can at least have another beer.

Just one, though.

Of course, man. What are we, pussies? We can't have just one beer?

What kind of pussies are we if we can't just have one beer, huh?

I... I know die so easy.