Original subtitles

Hi, I'm David Faustino, Bud Bundy, Merriwood Children. This is what happens

I drink. My money's gone, my mother's a midget, and my wife left me for my

neighbor, Julio. This is my best friend, Corin Emmett, former star of TV's

Parker Lewis Can't Lose. He did lose. My manager's been with me since I was in

diapers. Now he's in diapers.

When I'm not trying to kill myself, I run a porn shop left to me by a crazed

fan. Oh, and I'm also freakishly short. Thanks, God.

And look who we have here.

Linda, stop for a second.

Just kill me.

Kill me with poison. We have David Faustino, TV Bud

Bundy. How you doing, David?

Can I please just die in peace, please?

All right. I'll give Faustino your love. Bye.

Stop! It's hot!

Fucking cocksucker!

Hello?

Ira!

I can't understand you very well. Have you had another stroke?

You know, talent fuck, you miserable schmuck, it is time to fuck your...

Germany?

Corey Feldman dropped out of the field? Corey Feldman dropped out? They want you

to replace him.

Okay, let's do it. One drink.

What kind of pussies are we if we can't have one drink? Yeah.

Alright.

a talking monkey move. They'll pay me 50 G's.

That's 100 G's.

That's 200.

This is the

craft service table. A lot of

fiber on there.

That schnitzel must really stop you guys up, huh?

So where's my dressing room?

It's that way.

The other actors, they want

to know if you have a meal preference for them.

For them?

What do you mean?

I'd like to get a script.

I don't have a script. We go with the flow around here.

So to speak.

This is my second, eighth grade.

I might even taste vomit.

I'd like to try some beers.

Nice German beers, local brewery beers.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I never, never, never drink when I work.

Hey, could just have one sip.

Wow, he took a lot of shit in the last scene. I've never seen an American actor

taking so much shit and enjoy it.

and natural.

We're moving right along. We're going on to the final scene. The big climax now.

What big climax?

I haven't even seen the script yet.

I don't know. It's a bit weird, man.

The Germans are always bizarre.

Listen, you know this company I'm working for? It was called

What?

Wunderscheiss? Hold on a second. Wait a minute. What?

I got a discontinued copy of it right here, man. This thing is highly illegal,

Dave. Shit in my mouth and they kill me. Sorry, Jeremy Miller. What? We

shouldn't even be selling it. It's a snuff film scheisse movie.

You know scheisse shit?

They're going to make you eat shit. They're going to kill you.

He's not the Jew.

Kill him anyway!

Did you hear something?

I didn't hear anything.

Aw, you broke the cipher.

I'm a lady.

Damn it.

Oh, sure.