Original subtitles

Hi, I'm David Faustino, Bud Bundy, Merriwood Children. This is what happens

I drink. My money's gone, my mother's a midget, and my wife left me for my

neighbor, Julio. This is my best friend, Corin Nemec, former star of TV's Parker

Lewis Can't Lose. He did lose.

My manager's been with me since I was in diapers. Now he's in diapers.

When I'm not trying to kill myself, I run a porn shop left to me by a crazed

fan. Oh, and I'm also freakishly short. Thanks, God.

Five billion dollars.

That's a lot of money.

Every time I look at that sign, I want to jerk off all over my desk.

So, what's a client thinking in the way of residuals?

Residuals? What the fuck are residuals?

Like that.

You're my kind of Jew.

Moving on?

You have nothing.

Nothing?

Nothing.

First floor dig!

Ready? I don't think it's a good idea.

I'm telling you, we're going through with this.

You're doing it. Just, whatever you do... Stay here. I don't want him to see

and recognize you. Oh, come on. He's forgotten about that by now.

You stealing money out of his dressing room? I didn't steal the money, Dave.

Yeah, you did. I accidentally walked into the wrong dressing room. Fine. Stay

here. Okay. Don't move. Okay. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

Okay. Just do it. Okay.

Stay here.

All right?

Get as much as you can.

How's your mother? She all right? My mother's good. She's still a midget?

Yeah, she's still a midget. Guess what?

She's going to stay a fucking midget.

There's kids. There's kids.

Be careful.

Excuse me.

She's a good woman. We had a little side business.

Hold on. Hold on.

Just cut right to the fucking chase.

Okay? I'm trying to eat.

You wanted to say hi. I was in the neighborhood. I knew you'd be here.

How much money do you want from me?

What's the number, you know? How much?

You want me to just throw a number out there?

So you're asking me to just throw a number out?

Well... I'm just 100 grand.

Excuse me.

You said $100 ,000.

Is that what you just said?

You said throw a number. I know I said to throw a number, and you threw the

fucking number. I just threw a number out. What the fuck's the matter with

How the fuck does your mind work anymore? I need to be tightened up. It's

rough, you know... $100 ,000?

You're a... Fucking crazy. Well, that would help me get me on my feet. I

you were asking for like a hundred bucks.

I got in trouble with that. Yeah, but I was just throwing a number out, just a

ballpark figure to start. When do you need to know the answer? When would you

like to hear the answer?

Now? Here's my answer, David.

Go fuck yourself in your fucking ass.

That's a no.

You're like, you know, we were close. You were like my father. Think for

yourself. Think for yourself.

How many fucking times have I told you? No, I know you're not.

My real father. I'm not your father.

I'm not married to your midget fucking mother.

Okay? For starters.

But let me ask you this then.

Forget the money. Maybe a couple bucks before I go. Do you still hang around

with that fucking scumbag that used to hang around that show with you? That

fucking Parker asshole? No, no, no.

Huh? Because you know how I look at this now? I think you owe me the fucking 15

he took out of my fucking wallet that time. Don't think I forgot that. If I

run into that little prick, he's going to catch a beating from me.

All right. You understand?

That scumbag little fuck took my fucking money. I agree. It's not the 15.

That's beside the fucking point. It's the idea.

Look, I know. He's an asshole. And I'm trying to clear that up.

Hey, what's up, Ed? Hello, Ed.

Hey, Ed.

Hey, Ed.

Long time no see. He just had to drive me down here.

Hey,

man. What's up?

Mmm.

This is good, though.

What's up? Take care of yourself.

You know I love you.

I love you, too. It's a bad day for me today, that's all. I was in a bad mood.

Thanks a lot.

Okay? You like it?

Beautiful, huh?

Touch my dick.