Original subtitles

[intro music]

[imitates train] Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!

Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives

they were given by him upstairs.

And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.

[shouts] Stay away!

What sounds on earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face?

Cos this, people reckon, and me included,

is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented,

to calm us all down and stop us going mental.

These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.

We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.

You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.

[all laughing]

Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers

who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.

Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!

Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!

[laughing]

Scatter!

Party!

[music fades out]

[Carl] In science we got told all kinds of these law things, like:

"For every action there's an equal and opposite reaction."

[distorted sounds]

I don't want to see your faces around Chatsworth again. You got it?

[suspenseful music]

[music fades out]

[Carl] I've got a new one: "When two bodies are on the run,

the lack of planning and the distance they travel

is directly proportional to the bullshit they're leaving behind."

It was here on this very spot just under a week ago

that local teenager Ted Boden, known affectionately

as Bonehead to friends, had attended a house party,

after which he was brutally attacked, and later died.

Please call, Carl.

[reporter] This unprovoked assault

has left Chatsworth residents reeling in shock,

and local detectives--

Hey! Fuckin' compo, grieving or not!

[door opens]

Ow!

Still no sign?

-Of what? -Something bad's happened.

-Oh, don't be daft. -When?

-Carl's gone missing. -No, he's not.

-Guess you won't be coming to the Jockey? -Invitation duly accepted.

I bet you a packet of fig rolls he'll be back tomorrow

with a smile on his face.

-He's not even checking Facebook. -Look...

When I was his age I followed the Bay City Rollers on tour

for ten days without telling anyone.

-Oh, you were considerate. -You slapper! Is that where you were!

Carl always says, "See ya." Always.

[tense music]

[music fades out]

[phone beeps]

Still?

-How've you got one? -I haven't.

[moaning on telephone]

-Saved this. -What the fuck for?

If it had been you and not Bonehead shagging her,

-then, bye-bye, Chesney. -I wouldn't have showed it everyone.

Who were you calling?

Anyone who'll come and get us out of this shit-hole.

Tell anyone why we left, they're in danger.

So we'll lie low. Stay out of sight until Jimmy's nicked.

-Thinking with your dick started this. -You're to blame as well.

-Why? -You bet I couldn't shag Sammy.

[shouts] This is fucking stupid.

-How far to the ferry? -[Carl] Too fucking far.

[soft flute music]

[music fades out]

[laughing]

Does it count as a honeymoon if you don't go straight away?

Exactly! She did that to you? The bloody bitch!

It's worth waiting for.

[chatter]

-Safari? -That won't be cheap.

Real baboons.

You know what? I'm really proud of him.

His father's nose is coming through.

-Go away! I'd've knocked you right out! -No need for that.

Long as Nana's accent stays at bay.

-So what're you saying? -Fuck off!

Did you clock that?

-He's just took it the wrong way. -What?

-The threat to knock him out, Mum. -He knows I'm joking.

It's not you, it's just... your manner can be--

Say what you mean, Karen.

To a more delicate soul you might sometimes come across slightly aggressive.

Me! Aggressive?

Y'all right, Jamie? Can I have a lager and a blackhead?

-Still no Carl? -Nah.

-Yes, mate? -Two Stellas.

Oh, what convenient timing.

Stella by name it's me youngest.

Fucking no offence.

Just, you know, apple of me eye, that's all.

[chatter]

[soft music]

-Jimmy must have summat to do with it. -Everyone knows he did it.

No, not Bonehead. Carl and Chesney legging it.

[laughing]

I heard that slag sister were all over Chesney at party.

Was that before or after Bonehead shagged her?

[soft music continues]

I'm fucked, I need to get me head down.

-Where you going? -Here y'are.

[soft flute music]

[Carl] Fuck this.

[suspenseful music]

[Chesney] This'll wake you up!

[suspenseful music continues]

[dog barking in distance]

Whoa!

[dog continues barking]

[shouts]

[tense music]

[gunshot]

Ches!

[music fades out]

[Carl] I'm sorry.

-I'm so sorry. -That'll do.

Look, please, stop pointing the gun at me.

[suspenseful music]

Please.

I'm sorry.

Help him.

[suspenseful music continues]

[car approaching]

[sobs]

In there. Hurry up.

Come on!

-[Carl] What are you going to do with us? -I said, "Hurry up!"

Quick. Move it!

[suspenseful music]

[music fades out]

[dishes clattering]

-[Ian] Oh, that's hanging. -[Micky] It's all right.

[sighs]

Carl?

-His phone's off! -[Micky] He wouldn't answer to you anyway.

-What you did to him. -We need to report it.

-They're grown men. -When's Carl gone missing before?

-When he got herpes round his mouth. -He didn't!

Plating that mong who did handstands in the Jockey.

He's got a point. If they don't want to be contacted...

I dread the day I have to rely on you.

Maybe you're just missing him?

[inhales]

[sheep bleating]

What's she digging now?

Don't think about it.

What is she digging?

[tense music]

Help! You twisted fucker! Let us out!

-Anyone, please help! -Shut up! Shut up!

[Hazel vocalising]

[sobs]

[continues vocalising]

Please! Just talk to us.

What do you want to talk to her for!

-Ask her not to do anything stupid. -More stupid than undress,

kidnap and let us starve to death?

[sobs]

[continues vocalising]

-I'm too young to die. -We're not going to die.

[stops vocalising]

[breathing heavily]

Smell cooking?

It might be other runaways she's caught.

-Help! Help! -Somebody help us! You sick bitch!

Let us out!

[door creaks open]

So sorry, lads.

Smoking too much of my own shit always makes me paranoid.

Breakfast's ready.

Put your hands together for Mavis, who's had her best collection yet

at Timperley Infirmary. 62 pounds and 28 pennies.

Oh, and the calendar's drawing ever closer, girls.

[all] Ooh!

We need at least three more,

even though Edith has volunteered to be on every month!

[laughing]

[all] Out! Out!

[cheering]

[Florence] I think that's time for a break, ladies.

[chatter]

What do you think of the gang?

All right, I suppose.

It's all right. You'll settle. That's just first day of term stuff.

It took me over a month before I finally settled.

Florence. Florence.

Ethel wants to go naked in her wheelchair.

Give Stephen Hawkings a hard-on.

[laughing]

And now look at me!

[laughing]

I'd probably get me kit off for a good cause.

Especially if it'd help with the gang.

[murmuring] Chatsworth.

[murmuring]

Don't give them any more ammunition.

You'll find them an even harder bunch to crack.

Shall we do coffee? Soon?

-[chuckles] -I'll call you.

[harmonica music playing]

[laughing]

[murmuring] Drug addicts.

[Mimi] You two-faced, skinny bitch.

Bet you never had to bring kids up.

Save it, Lumley. Nobody tells me what to do.

Don't fucking ignore me.

In Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly ever happen.

[computer voice] You have 6% accuracy and 2% progress.

Stuck-up slag.

[knocking on door]

Mimi?

You OK?

Women's Institute?

That is what all this is about?

-They're all right. -They're not you.

I know they're not.

But the other night wasn't the only time I've scared someone off.

-That is their problem. -It's not, though, Karen.

I was born and brought up on a council estate

thirty-five miles away from here,

and I'm going to spend the rest of me life on one.

So how are them stuck-up boots going to help?

Improve me jam-making? [laughing]

I'm now in this constant struggle with my personality.

You've been through a lot.

So don't you start trying to be summat you're not.

I promise.

[harmonica music playing]

[music fades out]

I'm sorry about your dog.

[iron whooshes]

More concerned with you two, now you know my little secret.

-Don't worry about us. -No chance of us saying owt.

-You don't look like you'd grass. -As if?

Or that you're capable of taxing me.

You're holding the gun.

[engine revs]

Fucking hell, Cedric.

[engine stops]

[tense music]

[Chesney] Fuck!

[tense music continues]

Shout at the dibble?

-These inbreds stick together. -He'll end up nicking us.

[both speaking Welsh]

-They talking Urdu? -Welsh.

[both speaking Welsh]

She's coming.

[engine starts]

[clattering]

You sit down.

[laughing]

I unloaded it this morning.

Make sure there's no more accidents.

What did the police want?

Just reports of two lads trying doors on cars and sheds.

Wouldn't want to get arrested round here.

Have you seen The Wicker Man?

Guess not.

So no belongings and a fiver between you.

-Tells me you left somewhere in a hurry. -Yeah.

You could say that.

-It's just-- -Not interested. No shit on my doorstep.

Where were you headed?

-We was going to go-- -Ireland.

[exhales]

[Hazel] I'll drop you at the ferry tonight.

My way of saying sorry for doing a Papa Fritzl.

There's a spare bed if you want to get some sleep.

How much is there?

[soft piano music]

[music fades out]

[volunteer] We're here to start a new initiative

that aims to allow residents of the community a voice of their own.

[dog barking]

Hey!

Aargh!

[dog continues barking]

Could you tell us how this all came about?

-Not bad, that. -Better than some.

Graffiti scares the punters.

[chatter]

-Seen our Shane? -He's just gone badger baiting.

-In the daytime? -He needs to earn for his honeymoon.

He's took Bunty's dog without permission, and it's epileptic.

Mind, some farmers are happy to see a few less.

[chatter]

I recognise Billy Smart in the suit,

even without the oranges and the stiletto up his arse.

Hello.

[upbeat music]

-What you filming me for? -[Shane] You look like a likely candidate.

Freeze! RSPCA!

[laughing]

-Bang to rights. -I've got the farmer's permission,

-you dickhead. -Here. Put me down for one.

-Pretending to be a grass is never a joke. -Argh!

-It's a movie camera. Digital. -Did Baghead Billy ram-raid Currys again?

We got picked off the council cos Chatsworth's a shit-hole.

-What for? -"Community initiative to aid recovery".

We make films of our situation, yeah, and see what we look like.

It's easier to fix. It's what the Yanks do.

Oh, my giddy fucking God. You are a grass.

-Why's that being a grass? -Why's it not being a grass?

The best one gets a grand and a free trip to Hollinwood.

But we can split the money.

Nah. Two weeks' badger baiting earns more than that.

[Micky] So?

What, killing God's creatures and stinking out the gaff?

-I know what I'd rather do. -You and films?

It's good to dream. It don't have to be interviews.

-We can dramatize it. -What, like Corrie?

No. Drama!

[Micky] Anything. You know.

"Nobody leaves the baby in the corner."

-Fuck! -I've got evidence.

[spits]

[Micky] I'll be watching you.

Here. Don't say owt in front of Donnie Brasco,

but we have got a camera of our own, you know.

[clicks tongue]

Next filming I do is from a hot-air balloon over the Serengeti.

[upbeat African music]

[music fades out]

It's a great way of holding the mirror to ourselves.

Amazing stories without the cost of scripted drama.

We'll interview you about your experiences with the community.

[shouting] Kyle! Jeremy! Put the fucking lotion in the basket.

Carl and Chesney are wanted!

-For what? -Murder.

No way!

We were reporting 'em missing at the station

-and that slag sister was coming out. -Who?

-Jimmy's sister stuck 'em in. -Lying bitch.

-Slow down. What's happened? -Sammy.

She's give a statement.

She saw 'em with Bonehead before he was killed.

[Liam] They must know it was Jimmy.

That means nothing. We've got to get 'em home.

Or keep 'em away.

Sometimes, I'd swear they're not even mine.

[piano music]

[music fades out]

-Oo-er, missus! -Local MP with a Marilyn fixation.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, Mr President. Happy birthday, Mr President.

Orange and a high-heel shoe up your anus, Mr President.

[laughing]

Come here, you daft get.

Know this, Kelly Maguire.

I don't, nor never will...

need oranges, poppers, pills or Viagra.

Just you.

In the gear or starkers.

[laughing]

-Ah. Whoo! -Mm-mm.

-Pumpkin. -Yes, honey bunny?

-You know Micky's camera thingy? -Mm.

Well, I do role-playing at work all the time,

and I think, maybe I've always wanted to be an actress.

I like the sound of that, an' all.

No piss, pain or back bottom, though.

[upbeat music]

[music fades out]

-[Micky] Cut! -Got it.

Liam! Chop chop. Nosing at our film.

-What's this supposed to be? -Tell 'em nothing!

We're calling it Fit Bird.

Why aren't you making a film that says something about our situation?

-Said we should've done Top Gun! -Stupid!

Fit Bird is going to show the plight of working girls.

-Help get 'em off the street. -Sugar-coated fluff.

You can show that, but you can also make a stand.

-What, like you are? -It's variété, you twat.

The art of letting the estate speak for itself.

People would rather watch a film than a documentary any day.

Michael Moore might have something to say.

-Who? That arsonist kid in your year? -Why they working with him?

Go, Liam. Go.

[humming]

Oh, it's got to be worth a shot.

What's the point? Don't we want to get away from here?

-Why don't you just ask her? -You ask her. It's your idea.

All right. I will.

[wordless singing]

More salad?

He's on a diet.

[grunts]

[birds chirping]

I thought they had to be fat.

When you sell 'em for meat. I want this lazy fucker to mate.

-He's too heavy to mount anything. -Can't girl pigs get on top?

-[Chesney] What's it called? -He? Harris.

-Don't want to leave yet. It's too early. -[Carl] Hazel.

We've been thinking.

Your weed.

-Forget it. -Oh, come on.

-There's always a drought round our way. -There's a drought everywhere these days.

-I bet we can beat what price you get. -And pay with what?

-Yeah, we know people. -It's all right.

-Come on. Just a little bit. -Hazel.

It's mainly personal, anyway.

-All that? -There's a few other users in the valley,

and a couple of Scousers take the rest.

[sheep bleating]

-Probably are a bit cheap, though. -We won't be.

Go on, Hazel. Just give us a sample. We'll prove we're worth it.

-If it's good, we'll get paid in advance. -It is.

-Five days into blossom.

Go double with this. The buds stink, but it won't burn 'em.

-Makes them stickier. -What about Ireland?

Second thoughts.

Make some money, can go anywhere.

-Crop's not ready. -Two days?

-Four. -I'd say less. But we can wait.

[laughing]

-Can you, now? -If you're interested.

-Where will you stay? -Is there a hotel?

Won't it let people know where you are?

-So? -Guess you can't be proper fugitives then.

We never said we were.

Come on. There must be lots of jobs on a farm.

Just while we wait.

[suspenseful music]

You lookin' at me?

Yeah, you.

You lookin' at me?

Because I can't see anyone else here.

Who the fuck do you think you're looking at?

Rated.

-You look like a bell end. -[Shane] Well. Life imitating art.

Your script better be as good as your porn.

[laughing]

No need to dress as one to play Sonic The Hedgehog!

I'm writing a script.

-What? -Carl and Ches?

They've pinned Bonehead's murder on them.

-Someone needs to sort Jimmy out. -No!

You're Maguires. Come on. Do the right thing.

Round the family up. Force Jimmy to confess.

-I can't. -Why?

Cos it's not our fight.

That's never stopped you before!

I can't concentrate in here.

-[Ian] Do it for me. -I would.

I've already asked me dad.

He said he's not risking any of us for any of yous.

Plus, he can't stand the fucking sight of Chesney after his mam ripped him off.

[soft piano music]

Look, I'm sorry.

[harmonica music playing]

[music fades out]

-Is it full-frontal? -We will be nude,

with fruit and flowers tastefully placed to protect our modesty.

[chuckles]

My Paddy loved me in nothing but a Santy hat.

I don't think it's your thing.

Laura Ashley, under a good old M&S cardie.

Make a good leprechaun in March?

Maybe not the modelling, Mimi.

[Florence] Any other favourite labels?

Bit of Lacoste, back in the day.

Dey do, dough, don't dey though?

My ultimate fashion disaster was on Lady Captain's Day last year.

The heavens opened, and my bra strap was showing

through my cashmere Pringle.

[alarm beeping]

Not so fast, Little Miss Bootle.

[Mimi] Get off me!

-All right. Get off! -Shut it!

Bitch!

[hens clucking]

-You think sheep bite? -Probably.

[hens clucking]

-It's good here, man. -It's not that good.

There's fuck-all for me back there.

I know there is for you.

[dog quacking]

Should have just fronted the little dickhead.

Think so?

Nah. He'd leather me all over.

And still hurt Liam.

[cow mooing]

-I didn't think I'd miss home. -[Chesney] You'll get over it.

He wouldn't get us in Pakistan.

-Behave! -I know.

-London? -There's too many homeless.

Macca's brother was on the gear in a week.

-He was a baghead before he went! -Wasn't queer, though.

[hens clucking]

At least we're staying put till the weed's ready.

[footsteps approaching]

Carl?

You all right? Just thought you might be hungry.

Nice kid, in't he?

[Jimmy] Let's hope he makes it to 12.

[soft flute music]

[music fades out]

[upbeat music]

-Anything good? -Small matter of a firearm.

Just got him another five years.

-[Liam] Let's get it and get out of here. -And action.

Chatsworth was originally developed as an overspill garden suburb

in the post-war years, a time of optimism in city planning.

The good intentions faded with time and the shift in cultural attitudes.

-Good take? -Perfect.

♪ I travel the world And the seven seas ♪

♪ Everybody's looking for something ♪

♪ Some of them want to use you ♪

♪ Some of them want to get used by you ♪

-[sighs] Stop doing that! -Go on, Hazel.

Hardly the Palladium, but I held a note longer than most.

Scran time soon?

This'll build your appetite.

[clicks tongue] Hmm. Haven't you got small hands?

-Don't believe the hype. -[laughing]

[Chesney] I'd love to work on ships.

-You still wear armbands! -Why did you stop?

It's harder for mature singers when they leave the ships.

-Look at Jane McDonald. -So why leave?

Indeed.

-Your ex? -[Hazel] At the back.

You'd be all right, the size of his hands.

-[inhales] Yeah, they were the problem. -[Carl] In what way?

-[Hazel] Shh! -[reporter]...Ted Boden.

-There's your dad! [reporter] known as Bonehead,

had attended a house party after which he was brutally attacked

and later died.

[reporter] The police have released the images of suspects

Carl Gallagher and Chesney Karib.

A new statement claims to have seen both men

with the victim shortly before his death. [gasping]

[breathing heavily]

[inhales]

I wanted to kill a man once.

[exhales] We didn't kill him.

[chuckles] Looks that way.

Ches, we need to get back. They've got fuck-all evidence,

we've just got to tell the truth.

-Jimmy'll come for us. -Not if he's in jail.

Brothers, uncles, rest of his firm.

-We're on the run for murder. -[laughing] In for a penny!

We're fucked either way. Remanded for killing Bonehead

or getting done in by knobhead wannabe gangsters.

We'll get police protection.

Cos they're known for sympathy when a brother's got problems.

What protection? You're suspects!

We need to get back and sort this.

Will that lessen the threat to your little brother?

[tense music]

[rock music]

Contrary to the national trend of pub closures,

and regardless of any recession,

Chatsworth regulars still find ways to attend their local pub.

[rock music continues playing]

Scouse decoy service suspended. You're not welcome.

-You're still speaking. -You reckon?

-They can't have kept you five minutes! -Not the point.

[rock music playing]

-I'm not proud of myself. -Save it, Winona.

It's just that nothing beats that adrenaline rush.

Normal people stop around their fifteenth birthday.

-I didn't start till I was fifty. -Well, you need help.

I'm getting it.

I am sorry.

I promise I won't put you through that again.

Fair enough.

As well as the apology, I came to talk about the calendar.

My new white basque and the pom-poms? I'm a lovely snowman.

I was wondering about getting something to help the mood.

You know, relax and open the girls up a bit?

A couple of them are really quite shy.

You know.

-And I can get that sort of stuff? -Can't you?

I'll sort something out.

Not that different to the rest of us after all!

Actually worse, but pretending to be better?

-Hypocrites! -It's OK.

Wait and see. Sshhh.

[music continues]

Leave it. Don't.

[Ian] No! No!

[Maxine] You think you're a big man?

Do the crime but you can't do the time?

-Is that right? Yeah. -[Sammy] What's going on?

-And what's with the bullshit statements? -Hey.

-[Sammy] Stupid bitch! -That's not nice.

You think everyone's scared?

[all gasping]

[Maxine] You make me sick! -[Sammy] Fuckin'.

[glass shattering]

[gasping]

[all gasping]

[Sammy] Get her off.

[gasping]

[Jamie] Out!

[door closes]

[jazz music playing]

[Micky] The war on terror fucked me up big-time.

Back home, the war on crime raged all around.

And the good guys were losing.

[jazz music continues]

-Cut! -Bramhall, please.

Whoa, lady.

I think... Hey, I think you'll find I saw him first!

-We're making a film, love. -Aren't we all?

OK, let's go again, everyone. From the top.

[muffled] My fucking arm's killing me!

I still say it needs a stitch.

Five-hour wait with overdosing smack-heads for a scratch?

No chance.

-[Ian] Sorry. -Don't worry about it.

About everything.

[Ian] Now I'm feeling even more guilty.

Don't use this to put another downer on us.

If Carl was with you, he wouldn't be fucking about at parties.

He wouldn't be getting in this shit and you wouldn't be getting whacked.

And if I wasn't with you, I could be at parties,

off me head and risk getting raped or killed by knobheads.

What sort of way is that to look at life?

[Maxine] Here.

You need it.

[flute music]

Now, that'll get a party going.

Not enough.

[banging]

You'll incite an orgy.

-Exactly! -Garçon!

-Mam, we need a Scouser.

-What the fuck do you look like? -Has anyone seen Liam?

["Raindrops keep falling on my head" playing]

Fucking gangsters, eh? Eh, you remember, Lillian!

You know, before Slack Alices, me and our Bernard

-sent the Krays packing. -You'd have been about eight!

Platform seven, Piccadilly Station, stood at the back, QSG.

-Showed the Cockneys, all right. -The shopping channel?

No, QSG Quality Street Gang, you know, Tommy the Hat, Benny Axes, Kenny the Dope.

You know. Manchester's finest.

I prefer Roses.

[door opens]

["Raindrops keep falling on my head" continues playing]

[laughing]

♪ But that doesn't mean my eyes Will soon be turning red ♪

♪ Crying is not for me ♪

[laughing]

♪ Cos I'm never gonna stop the rain... ♪

No, not round here. Stop! Stop!

-[Chesney] What's wrong? -Just not here.

Just don't point.

Come on, mate. Enjoy it while we can.

I'm trying.

She was a bit lively getting you away from there.

Sacred spaces. She's right into me, though.

She could be your mam!

MILF with her own weed farm. Could it get any better?

[Chesney] See you later.

So you've had no boyfriends at all since your ex?

-How long's he been dead? -Couple of years.

That's a long time without a man.

[Hazel laughing] Maybe.

-You don't talk about him much. -That's right.

But you started to, though.

-Penile cancer sounds nasty. -Change the channel. That was all.

[Hazel] Just change the channel.

-It's not contagious? -[Hazel] Wouldn't let it go.

[Hazel] Just kept going on and on. [chuckles]

[soft flute music]

You're right.

[Hazel] It's been too long.

-I think she's up for it. -Never.

-What's up with you? -Let's see where your dick takes us.

Don't be like that. She might want both of us, anyway.

[chuckles]

Give her one from me.

[suspenseful music]

[both moaning]

[laughing] Oh, no more!

[soft flute music]

[phone beeping]

Fuck!

[phone rings]

[Liam over the phone] Carl, you always say: "See you."

[sobs]

[continues sobbing]

[music fades out]

[upbeat music]

You'll be perfect for the part. It's been a nightmare getting extras.

-Do we share the prize money? -Why?

But you're pulling out anyway.

We sacrifice our project for the greater cause.

You're not doing anything about Jimmy.

-Everyone is too scared to do anything. -It's not our fight.

You know, the surveillance can look after itself.

All right. We'll split the winnings.

OK.

[upbeat music]

[music fades out]

[jazz music]

[Micky] For some reason, my new bird didn't understand me.

I love the start of this.

[moaning on television]

Are you right in the head?

Lots of couples watch these films.

On a first date?

[moaning continues]

And cut. Great.

Well done, team.

[sirens]

[Micky] All across the state.

[woman] Go away!

[car horn]

[Micky] Why won't the council sort it?

Smackheads, crackheads, rapists, murderers?

-[Micky] Does me in. -Looking for a good time?

[Micky] Cabbages me napper.

Sends me under.

[suspense music]

[Micky] Then I sussed it.

Even though my swede kept pounding.

Save just one little lamb.

Save one and the buzzing might stop and the headaches go away.

Damp piss-flaps for the first time in years, girls.

[laughing]

-Right! Come on. [Florence] Go on.

Oh, come on, give it here.

[indistinct chatter]

-Ooh! -Oooooh!

Ooh, Jeez! [laughing]

[all laughing]

[cheering]

[all laughing]

[chatter]

[all laughing]

[Mimi] Not so posh now, are you, girls?

[chatter]

[Ian] Can you hear me now?

Can you hear me now?

[Maxine] Ian?

[door closes, click]

Yeah?

-I fancy a drink. -Have you got a death wish?

He won't stop me.

[sighs]

You don't think?

-You going somewhere? -Yeah, I've got something to do.

What's this?

Oh-ho! Now who's got a death wish?

Have you got any better ideas?

It's not Micky's movie!

-Somebody might come forward. -The whole estate's shit-scared.

He's not gonna just admit to it.

So I'll have to be subtle.

-Ian, it's not the time to play the hero. -[Ian] I'm no hero.

I steal my brother's girl, then stand and watch her get hit with a pool cue.

Stop!

I don't know how anyone could hit a woman.

[Hazel] You'd be surprised.

-Why d'you get with him? -We didn't start out like that.

-[Hazel] I guess we both changed. -Still no excuse.

-He broke six of my ribs once. -Scum.

You're sweet now, though.

I wish my life was this sorted. -[Hazel] D'you reckon?

What more could you want?

I wouldn't be so sure I'm that good a role model.

[soft piano music]

[Hazel sobs]

[Chesney] He can't stop you any more.

-[Chesney] You could go back on the boats. -He can.

How?

Oh, shit!

-[Hazel] Sorry, I didn't mean... -[man] I'll fucking kill you!

-[Hazel] Don't! Please! I'm sorry. -[man] Bitch!

[thud]

[breathing heavily]

[gasping]

[sobs] I'm more a prisoner than before.

[sobs] If I ever leave, then they find the body.

What do you think's left down there after two years?

Bet his hands are still as big.

[Hazel sobs]

Pigs eat anything, don't they?

No way, Chesney.

[exhales]

Harris'd love a break from that diet.

-All right, mate? -You having a laugh?

Are you? What is it with you and my family?

You must mean Carl...

-cos I ain't got round to Liam. -Where is he?

You think I'm stupid? I found a camera.

-You do think I'm stupid. -[Ian] Ah!

[Ian] Ah! Ah!

I'm getting out of here.

[breathing heavily]

-When? -Now.

-[Chesney] Right.

[breathing heavily]

I'm coming with you.

What about the weed? Your new bird?

[soft piano music]

[pig grunts]

[pig grunts]

[soft music continues]

[pig grunts]

[soft flute music]

[music fades out]

[screaming on television]

[chainsaw on television]

[screaming on television]

Oh, it's great ambition. They should be really proud.

Possibly as innovative as the original, considering the budget.

I thought you were a Scouser?

The Wirral.

[Micky] The hurricane of retribution flushed the shit down the drain.

Me napper wasn't shredded.

The buzzing was a quiet beep.

The dealers and pimps got fucked off as flowers bloomed

and kiddies' laughter filled the air.

Old people went back in the park.

I married Beatrice and we adopted Jodie.

United won yet another treble and we all lived happily ever after.

[guitar music playing]

[applause]

[music fades out]

Your little cocktail certainly livened proceedings at the WI.

Fifty-two copies sold already. Twelve ninety-nine.

Threadbare-rug-munching.com.

[both laughing]

Some sick fucks out there.

Check February.

[Mimi laughing] -Ew!

[soft flute music]

[Carl] There's a better way of phrasing the law of physics opposite reaction.

Just say it the way we do round here.

What goes around comes around, and that.

[Liam] Blood?

[soft flute music continues]

[Carl] Cos now it's time to stop all the bullshit.

Stop flapping. Galvanise.

Stick together in the name of righteousness, and that.

Do the right things, innit?

[door opens]

Ian?

Are you all right? All right, eh, Ian?

[breathing heavily]

[continues breathing heavily]

[music fades out]

[crying] Please, Carl, just come home.

[Frank] They're on to you already!

-You firing blanks? -It's a terrible affliction for a man.

So we put our heads together and come up with a solution.

IVF'll cost you a fortune.

We've mixed it all up, so you won't know whose is whose.

You think Kelly'll be up for it?

We all know who's really responsible!

If you don't fess up, I'll fucking kill ya.

-Things can go back to the way they were. -No. They can't.

[Carl] Yeah, they can.

[Micky] Are you sure you wanna do this?

Gallagher!

Yeah, that's right. Run after him.

I'm not running after him. I'm leaving.

[outro music]

[all shouting]

Ey!

Cut!

Cut!

Fucking hell, Frank!

Alright, there you go then.

Quadriplegia.

[guitar music]