Original subtitles

[intro music]

[imitates train] Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!

Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives

they were given by him upstairs.

And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.

[shouts] Stay away!

What sounds on earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face?

Cos this, people reckon, and me included,

is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented,

to calm us all down and stop us going mental.

These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.

We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.

You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.

[all laughing]

Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers

who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.

Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!

Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!

[laughing]

Scatter!

Party!

[music fades out]

[sirens police approaching]

[Shane] Run!

[Shane] Oi! Oi!

[Kelly] Choose life. Choose husband.

Choose fags and slippers.

Choose a mortgage. Choose a nice house.

Choose a patterned concrete driveway.

Choose bedding. Choose ironing. Choose Sunday-morning sex.

Choose eating a nice meal up a nice tree with pictures of nice kittens on,

sat in front of the telly watching Lark Rise To Fucking Candleford.

["Lust for life" playing]

-[car brakes screeching] -[Kelly grunts]

♪ With the liquor and drugs And the flesh machine ♪

[Kelly laughs]

[Kelly] Choose to be part of the mainstream.

[Shane screams]

[Kelly] Or don't.

[Kelly] Don't be part of the mainstream. Be apart from it.

Don't be respectable.

[shouting] Come on!

[Kelly] Don't flog your guts out paying a mortgage

on a pile of rotting bricks the bank will repossess.

["Lust for life" playing]

[Kelly] Or, if you're lucky,

your snot-faced kids will piss up against your early gravestone.

[man grunting] [handcuffs clicking]

["Lust for life" playing]

[Kelly] Choose whatever you fucking well want in order to get by.

To have a laugh and to live, to drink and to screw.

[Kelly pants and moans]

[Kelly] Not because there's nothing else to do, cocker,

but because it's what we want to do.

Get it?

♪ Ooh ooh Lust for life Ooh ooh Lust for life ♪

♪ Ooh ooh Lust for life Ooh ooh Lust for life ♪

[Jamie] Eyes back in lads. Now.

[Mimi] I don't think we've got enough posters up yet.

I'll get some more.

-All right, bruv? -[Jamie] All right.

Bottle of the fizzy stuff, please, Mimi.

[Shane] I tell you something, it's getting too risky,

all this moody wedding stuff, you know?

It's only a matter of time before plod pulls one of us.

[Shane] Or both of us.

I reckon it's time we knocked it on the head.

-How about I knock you on the head? -No, he's right.

Five-0 are getting closer.

-Who? -Five-0.

Police.

[Paddy] Why don't you just say the fucking police, then?

[Kelly] A bit of danger's good.

It's sexy.

[Micky] It's not like we're making much from it, either,

after all the expenses and that.

[Paddy] That's why we have to do more for less.

We're doing a full day of weddings here.

Do it without us.

We're out.

Since when?

There's too much invested to fuck it off now.

All right. One last time.

And that's it.

No more.

And...

The final slot's ours.

It's about time I made an honest woman out of Kel.

["Lust for life" playing]

We're getting wed.

["Lust for life" playing]

[Kelly sighs]

I thought she'd have been chuffed.

[Paddy] The only thing you can safely predict about women

is how unpredictable they can be.

Maybe she's on the blob.

[Lillian] Kelly, no. Not for another week.

We have talked about it before, you know.

I was the one who was against it, she always seemed dead up for it.

You want my advice? You're better off staying as you are.

[Paddy] I mean, what's the point of wrecking what you have by getting married.

It's just a piece of paper.

I think it's the way you proposed.

[Mimi] You've got to be romantic.

She's right.

-Women like to feel special, don't they? -Don't worry, son.

We'll all give you a hand.

-[music box playing] -[door opens]

[door closes]

-Is there anywhere we can talk? -Here.

Oh, he won't say owt.

Go on.

He's going to propose again. You have to say yes.

[Kelly sighs heavily]

When me and Shane got together, we told each other everything.

No secrets.

But now,

I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye.

-But-- -[Kelly] I can't marry him

if I don't tell him.

-[Soft music] -[Paddy pants]

[Paddy pants]

-It'll destroy him...

-And you. -And you.

I don't want him to suffer.

Ditto.

[door opens]

[door slams closed]

[Paddy] Shane made me a promise tonight.

-I clocked off an hour ago. -Clock back on.

Well, wash your cock in the sink and throw on a condom.

[soft harmonic music]

[Frank] Bar wench,

[Frank] is, er, Karen around?

You have to deal with us.

Ah,

little red-waist coated fez-wearing capuchin monkeys are giving it

their all while the grinder of the organ rests.

-Pint and two Es? -Not giro day today, is it?

Technically, there isn't a giro day any more due to the Government.

Stick it on the slate till next week?

[Libby] Tea up.

[Patty] Ah, you're an angel.

[Libby] I've got a packet of your favourites, too.

Hello, lovely.

-Pub closed? -Now...

You all right?

Oh, fuckin' pins and needles, or something.

[Patty coughs heavily]

[Patty] Tell me there won't be any smoking in here when it's all done.

[Patty] It's a terrible selfish habit.

[Patty keeps coughing]

It'll be your room, Mum.

There'll be no need for you to be in here, will there?

[menacing music]

[Patty snores]

[Patty gasps]

[Patty screams and muffle]

[Patty coughs]

[Patty] Couldn't I just have one of the rooms upstairs?

No, no. We'll get this room done. It'll be right.

Make it dead posh, yeah.

Mushroom walls, biscuit carpet.

And if you don't like it, you can eat it.

[Libby laughs out loud]

[Libby] What is he like?

It'll be no bother doing this room up.

There's a couple of decorators coming round later to do us a quote.

They can be a bit pricey, though.

Very pricey.

Eh, why don't I do it?

You?

[Frank] Yeah, I've painted more houses than Lowry, me.

-I told you he'd want to help out. -Yeah, I'd want some cash.

[Frank] You know, for, um...

Materials and that.

How much will you need?

Well, if you want the decent stuff...

[Frank] Great.

It's the masters.

They didn't rush it, did they? They had to live.

[Frank] Painting isn't a hobby, it's a way of life.

Like Francis Bacon.

There's a true artist, surrounded by death,

unafraid of the grotesque.

[Jimmy] Fuck me, what's he on?

It would be quicker to tell you what he isn't on.

Yeah? Don't get too close, you might catch something.

It's a bit late for that.

Yeah. Laters.

[Frank] Who wants it? Retribution.

[together] Wanker.

[Frank] We are carcasses rotting in the midday sun.

Mouths.

Vents.

Pain, anguish, just pouring out.

Ooh!

Fuck's sake... Hello, love.

[Frank] Oh, I'm just having a pre-work swifter.

[Frank] Chat with a mate of mine who's in the trade.

[glass tingling]

[Frank] He's very good at papering, but it has to be Anaglypta.

Fucked if it's woodchip, mind you.

It's like Ulysses to him.

[Libby chuckles]

-[Frank] Would you like a drink? -No.

[Patty] Dubonnet kiss.

Shot of Dubonnet, half of cider.

[Libby] Do you think you'll get it all done today?

We'll see how it goes.

[Frank] You know, it's just about getting the right paint, and that.

[Frank] I'll make a start tomorrow.

Yeah? Break its back.

[Libby] OK.

[Frank] OK.

[Frank chuckles]

[Frank] Hey, I'm going to need, erm, a bit more cash.

Brushes, and that.

[Shane] Kel!

[Shane] Kelly!

Kelly!

Kelly!

[Shane] Kel?

[dogs barking]

Marry me.

[Shane] Kelly-Marie Ball,

be my wife.

[upbeat hopeful music]

What do you say?

[female voice] Go on, Kel.

-Go on. -[Maxine cheering]

-[male voice] Go on, Kelly. -[female voice] Go on, Kel.

-Kel, go on! -[woman] Yes!

Go on, Kel.

-[Micky] Go on. -[Jamie] Come on, Kelly.

-[Micky] Go on! -[Jamie] Come on, Kelly.

-[Maxine] Come on, Kel! -[Shane] You know you want to.

[Maxine] Kel, come on!

[drumbeat music]

[Joe] There's definitely summat wrong with you.

[Joe] Girls were throwing themselves underneath me when I were your age.

Beating them off with a shitty stick, I were.

You've had that house all to yourself,

and you've not had one single party. It's fucking potty.

Are you having a party?

-[Chesney hesitates] Er... -Yes, he is.

-[Sammy] Great. -And you're invited.

[Sammy chuckles]

So, when?

-Next-- -[Joe coughs]

-[Chesney] Tonight! -Mint!

Laters.

See you in a bit.

[upbeat music]

-Kerching! -[Chesney laughs]

OK. Just don't get to hammered.

-If Kelly comes in. -Sorry I'm late.

Brandy, please, Jamie.

-[Kelly] Double. -OK.

-Kel? -[Sophie] Hiya.

Hiya, Sophe. I'll just get changed, I'll be right with you.

See you in a minute.

[rap music playing]

-[Shane] You don't love me any more? -[Kelly scoffs]

Then why did you say no?

[Shane] I didn't want to do it like that, Kel, but everyone got involved.

Always the problem. Other people.

And why now, Shane? Why fix something that ain't broke?

Because it's... Because it shows the world that we're together.

And we need that?

-If you loved me... -I do.

then marry me.

Please.

No.

Then that's it?

It's over.

I mean it, Kel.

I do.

[rap music playing in the lounge]

OK.

[sad music]

It's over.

[door opens]

[Kelly sighs]

[door closes]

[upbeat disco music]

-Jimmy D's sister Sammy? -She's well into me.

20 quid you don't get off with her tonight.

[puffing carelessly] Let's do it.

[door knocking]

[lads creaming and cheering]

[bottle tingling]

It's not a problem, is it?

[Sammy sighs in appreciation] Look at you.

You're like a fucking Arabian prince, or something.

[lads cheering loudly]

Arabian prince?!

[audience cheering]

["How soon is now" playing in the lounge]

[lads whistling]

Go on. Get 'em off.

[music slows down]

[music switches to a menacing one]

["How soon is now" playing again]

[audience cheering enthusiastically]

♪ I go about things the wrong way ♪

♪ I am human and I want to be loved ♪

♪ Just like anybody else does ♪

Would you like a booth dance?

[Jamie] Leave it.

[Micky] She's only doing her job.

Look at him, getting extras.

-Fuck off, eh? -Only winding him up.

[pool balls clacking]

[lad] Oi! You can't do that in here, love.

-[Jimmy] We've got a game on. -It's all right.

Just keep your balls away from me, sweetheart.

It doesn't apply to you, tiger.

-Do you fancy a bit of topless? -[man] Yeah.

It's only another tenner. Treat yourself.

[audience whistling loudly]

["How soon is now" playing]

[Shane] Fucking--

-Get your fucking-- I'll have you! -[Paddy shouting to stop Shane]

-[everybody shouting] -[Shane] Bastard!

[Shine] You fucker! She's mine.

[Shane] She's fucking mine, you fucking-- Hey! Mine!

[Kelly] Mine?! I'm fucking no-one's! You got that?

[Shane] Unless I'm fucking paying you, then you're fucking anyone's.

[Paddy] Shane! Come on, son.

[Paddy] Come on. Come on.

[tense music]

[upbeat music]

[loud techno music]

Ches. Dude, what's happening, babe?

Nothing.

Me and Bonehead are going to have sex.

[Sammy chuckles]

Hey, come with us. You can spit-roast me, like in the movies.

[Carl] DJ's on the decks.

-It's all right, isn't it -But no looking at me knob.

[Carl] Let's have it. Tune! Tune!

[electronic music playing]

[Sammy moans]

Are you feeling left out?

[Sammy chuckles and sighs]

[Sammy sighs]

[menacing music]

-[Sammy hitting the floor] -[Sammy] Oh!

[Sammy screams]

Ches, what's the matter, baby?

She's off her fucking head, mate.

[Sammy] No!

Stop, this isn't right.

[Sammy screams]

Leave her, man.

[Sammy muffled scream]

[tense music]

[door closes]

[Sammy screams and chuckles]

[rock music]

[people laughing] Hey, people say we look like sisters.

We're actually mother and daughter.

Oh, aye?

Which one are you?

-Another drink, ladies? -Yes, please.

[Paddy] OK. Give us a hand, son.

What the hell are you playing at, hmm?

[Paddy] Look, son, you deserve better.

She's just a whore.

[Paddy] Your words.

Move on.

[sad music]

[Libby] Hello.

[Liam] Just let yourselves in.

Oh, you already have.

[Libby] He hasn't even started.

Like he was ever going to.

Can't believe you actually thought he would.

Where is he?

[mischievous music]

[Frank screams in pain] Oh! Oh Argh.

[Frank] Not a fucking word, right?

[Frank] No jokes about Ironside or Sandy from Crossroads.

Christine and her Sunday opening hours! 24 hour shopping!

Not a fucking prayer.

You lot have got it right, open all hours every day.

[Frank] Salaam.

[techno music playing]

[Frank gasps in pain] Easy. Oh!

-[Frank pants in pain] -Mugged?

Yeah, every penny.

I'm only sorry I couldn't get the paint for you.

Not just for you, but for her.

-[Patty] A broken ankle, you say? -Yeah. [sighs in pain]

That normally warrants nothing more than a pair of crutches,

and you get a wheelchair.

[Frank] The doctor was extremely specific.

Do not put any weight on the affected foot

whatsoever or you could end up in one of them, for life.

I said, "No, give it to someone who really needs it."

"I'll just struggle on."

There we are.

-But he insisted. -So, no weight on it.

And no strenuous exercise.

To take it easy.

Shouldn't struggle too much with that.

Anything I can do for you?

[muffled techno music]

[Patty moving]

[Patty hums a song]

[Frank sighs] Fuck!

[Patty] Good night, Frank.

You all right, mate?

[Carl] Where did you get to?

[Bonehead] That Sammy bird. Proper dirty bitch, in't she?

Here. Check this.

[phone beeps]

[Sammy moaning on video]

[Bonehead] Sent it to a couple of mates already.

Give us your number and I'll send it to you.

[Sammy moans loudly on video]

[bat striking]

[Jimmy] I told you to stay away.

[punches and kicks hitting violently]

-She's my sister. -[baseball bat striking]

-My sister. -[baseball bat striking]

[techno music coming from the house]

[Sammy moans in the video on the phone]

[Shane sighs]

-Where are you off to? -To find Kelly.

It's over, son. There's nothing you can do to change it.

[door knocking]

[Libby] He's in his room, go on up.

Look what I won at the fundraising thing down at the community centre.

-[Libby] Well done. -[Frank] Well done, son.

[Patty] Oh! Your dad won't be allowed them, not till he's off his tablets.

You said they gave you some down at the hospital.

Extra strong painkillers?

[Libby] Well, you can't go mixing alcohol with prescription drugs.

It could kill you.

-[Libby] We don't want that, do we? -God forbid.

[Libby] We'd best put them away, then.

My house, my dad. I'll put them away.

[upbeat jazzy music]

-Have you been out? -[Carl] I can't do it.

This "act normal" shit.

I told you to stay away.

I can give you 60 on it.

Mmm?

[door opens]

[door closes]

All right, Ches?

Oh, someone got twatted last night.

You could carry your shopping in those bags of yours, mate.

[Jimmy] I told you to stay away.

[police sirens]

[Jimmy] She's my sister.

[Jimmy] My sister.

[Chesney breathing heavily]

[Jimmy] I told you to stay away.

[Jimmy] She's my sister.

[Jimmy] My sister.

[bat striking]

[door knocking]

[Sammy] I warned Bonehead to stay away from me.

Look, Ches, I was off my head, I didn't know what I was doing.

[Sammy] He filmed us, sent it round.

-[Sammy] It got to our Jimmy who-- -Put him in a coma.

Jimmy has got a suspended on him.

If he gets done for this, he'll be going down for a long time.

Look, I don't need you to tell me to keep my mouth shut.

[tense music]

[phone ringing]

He's still there.

[phone ringing]

[Kelly rejects phone call]

I think you should just...

He won't go until he's seen you.

[sad music]

[door shuts]

Kel, I got it wrong.

I know.

[Shane] I can handle what you do.

I can.

It's just... It's just a job, like you said a million times before.

[Shane] Honestly, there is not a man on this planet

you go with who could ever make me think any less of you.

[door opening]

-[door slamming] -[Kelly sighs in sorrow]

[TV playing]

Oh! Stick the kettle on, will you, kid?

[Frank] Stay there, son.

If you want a brew, get your own.

-How can I be expected to brew up? -Because there is nothing wrong with you.

There's nothing wrong with you.

How do you know? Fucking professor of quadrapology, are you?

-I know a fake when I see one. -Yeah, right back at you.

How dare you!

[Patty coughs]

[Liam] Well, one of you is not telling the truth.

[girls laughing]

[vengeful music]

[tense vengeful music]

[tense music]

[Kelly] Give us a bell if he pops in, yeah?

No luck, then?

[Paddy sighs heavily]

Have you seen our Shane?

[Mimi] I've been calling him all day. It keeps going straight to voicemail.

Everything all right?

Yeah.

[chatters]

[pensive sad music]

[Paddy sighs scornfully]

-It's all my fault. -[Kelly] Not entirely.

[Paddy] Despite everything over the years, all that's happened,

the piss-taking and all of it,

I always thought you and Shane would end up together, stay together, you know.

[sad music]

[sad music]

[sad music]

[plane engines]

[tense music]

[classical music playing]

[Frank] What's this?

Like I said half an hour ago,

-we've seen this. -No, we haven't.

-We have. -[Patty] We haven't.

[Patty slurps]

-We've seen this one. -I fu--

-Can you smell owt? -Other than you?

Something's burning.

[Franks and Patty screams in despair]

-[Frank] Fire! Help! -[Patty] Fire! Help! Help!

Fire! Help!

[Frank] Well, thank you very much, Benjamin fucking Button

[Patty coughs heavily grasping for air]

Fucking choke.

Please, son, just give us a call, eh?

[door opening]

[door shutting]

Why?

To hurt you.

[Paddy] We'd all gone out, you me, your brothers.

[Paddy] My sons.

[Paddy] You took the piss out of me, you fucked off...

hurt me.

I wanted to hurt you.

Congratulations.

The second I sobered up.

[Paddy] I got it wrong. [sniffing]

But you and your brothers left me and...

[Shane] You don't like being on your own, do you?

Then why push everyone away?

Kids, wife.

Why?

I don't know.

You know, I'm the last one 'ere.

You've done everything to try and get shot of me.

Knocked me down.

Put me down.

Now this.

You've...

You've fucked the woman that I love.

Why would you want to hurt me so much, Dad?

I'm sorry.

Prove it.

Feel the pain I feel.

[Paddy gasps]

[Paddy] Shane, you don't know what you're asking.

I do.

This could kill me.

[Paddy tightening the strap]

[extremely tense music]

[menacing tense music]

[sad music]

[sad music]

I know what I am.

And I know what I've done.

[Kelly] And I swear...

I never wanted to hurt you.

I swear.

I've never loved anyone like I love you.

I'll see you around.

[suspenseful music]

[door opening]

[door closing]

[police sirens]

-[police sirens] -[dogs barking]

[sad music]

[fast paced tense music]

[spraying]

[fast paced suspenseful music]

Someone's being painting messages around the estate.

Hands.

Some Asian kid did it, smashed his head in with a baseball bat.

About... [Jimmy blows]

So high.

I know a couple of people who saw it.

[door shutting]

-What the fu--?! -[Frank] Ta-da!

Some say it's the colour of happiness.

They're wrong, obviously.

I did not pick that.

No, I couldn't get the colour you wanted, so I thought I would give this a go.

Just do one wall, see what you thought.

Paint no more!

-What? Do you not like it? -I'll never sleep.

Oh, well, you know, if you're going to be like that--

-If I even suspected that was deliberate -What?

It's like Liam said, it's the colour of happiness.

Cheers, Bob, you're a mate.

[upbeat music]

[Frank laughs mischievously]

Thought I'd just put a smile on your dear mother's face.

Tough call, I know, but I thought it was worth a try!

[Frank] I'll be in the pub if you need me, hacking me ear off.

Fuck!

-[Carl] What if he finds out? -He won't.

[Chesney] We give them the info and that's it.

[Carl] I don't know, but if we go in there,

they might nick us for being accessories, or summat.

[phone beeping]

[lad] Hey, you better check that.

[lad laughs]

[phone beeping]

[Chesney] What?

[Chesney] What is it?

[Carl] Liam!

It's not mine!

[Liam] Get off me!

Lads?

Nice kid, in't he?

I don't ever want to see your faces round Chatsworth again.

You got it?

[Jimmy] Now, go on.

Off you fuck.

[menacing music]

[cars breaking] [car doors opening]

Oi! We've got 17 weddings booked.

Seventeen grooms and one waiting for a blushing bride, you.

[Wedding March playing]

[people cheering]

[Wedding March playing]

You said you never loved anyone like you loved me.

[Wedding March playing]

[people cheering]

[Wedding March playing]

[Wedding March playing]

Marry me.

-[Wedding March playing] -[clapping indoor]

-[people cheering] -[Wedding March playing]

-[happy upbeat music] -[appreciation whistles]

["Ferris Wheels" playing]

♪ I don't know who I am ♪

♪ I don't know who you are ♪

♪ But when I touch your hand I see shooting stars ♪

♪ I see Ferris wheels Curling walls of steel ♪

♪ And light ♪

♪ The long-distance call ♪

♪ Over twisted wires ♪

♪ Some last heartfelt words ♪

♪ Caller on the line ♪

♪ We speak through satellites ♪

♪ That hang like the stars at night ♪

♪ In the sky ♪

[Kelly] You trip along through life minding your own business,

until one day, bang!

Someone steps in front of you, stops you in your tracks, leans in to kiss you

and rips your heart right out of your chest.

And it's all right, you know. It doesn't hurt.

Not at first.

Not so long as they look after it and maybe give you theirs in return.

And you might be lucky that the last person to rip your heart out

is the one who'll look after it.

The one who'll wrap it in tissue paper and tinsel

and stars.

["Ferris Wheels" playing]

[Kelly] Being married means you join a club.

You see a load of other people with rings on their fingers and you go:

"Oh, yeah! I did that!"

I've stood up in front of the world and told someone that I love them

and I wanted to be with them for the rest of my life.

And it really doesn't matter how you do it,

when or where you do it, just as long as there's truth and honesty.

If there's no truth and honesty, there'd be never love nor beauty.

♪ Satellites that hang like the stars at night ♪

♪ In the sky ♪

♪ In the sky ♪

We make films of our situation.

[Micky] The best one gets a grand and a free trip to Hollywood.

[Maxine] Carl and Chesney are wanted.

-For what? -Murder.

[Jamie] Now, that will get a party going.

[ladies cheering]

[Carl] You...

-Sit down. -[girl laughs]

In there, hurry up.

[Ian] What is it with you and my family?

[Micky] You alright? Ian, you alright? Hey?