Original subtitles

[intro music]

[imitates train] Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!

Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives

they were given by him upstairs.

And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.

[shouts] Stay away!

What sounds on earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face?

Cos this, people reckon, and me included,

is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented,

to calm us all down and stop us going mental.

These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.

We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.

You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.

[all laughing]

Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers

who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.

Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!

Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!

[laughing]

Scatter!

Party!

[music fades out]

So...

Maxine, then...

[Micky] See, here's the problem with society.

We've got too much choice.

[both panting]

[Micky] Every decade that rolls past,

we get more and more lifestyle options.

[Carl] You fuckin'...

[Carl gasping in rage]

[Micky] And the one thing you can guarantee about people,

give 'em a choice and they'll pick the wrong fuckin' one.

And then it's too late.

Can't rewind, can't go back, you've made your choice,

-and you... -[door slams]

and everyone else has got to live with it.

ASAP.

Was happy to feed Stella. Make sure bills were paid.

Stop Dad from choking on his own vomit.

[Frank] Wasn't choking so much as a terrified gargle.

But you just broke the camel's back.

Camel?

[Frank] Hey!

Brekky!

Just take, take, take, with you, innit?

Should've got that tidy little thing you hang around with

to sew it for you, instead of pissing Liam off.

-That's her job, see? -Maxine?

-Yeah. -We broke up, remember?

Give you the sharp end of the elbow, did she?

No. I dumped her.

-[Frank making a trumpet sound] -[Carl] Seriously. I did.

-It was me. All me. -[Frank] She's out of your league, mate.

You're supposed to hold onto those ones, not chuck 'em away.

It just... didn't feel right.

[Frank] Good in the sack, made you laugh,

bit of a brain on her,

cracking tits you could stare at for hours?

Well, yeah.

So what the fuck didn't feel right?

Well, while you're ruminating on your failings as a human being,

two eggs, sunny side up.

So, you'll do it, then.

[sighs] I dunno. It's weird.

Ah. Statement, not a question.

Cos I've already told my mum and dad that I'm bringing my boyfriend

to their anniversary party.

-Great. -[Maxine] Oh, and you're a doctor.

-What? -Congratulations.

But I'm not a doctor.

And even if I was, I'd be a gay doctor, so that's even less use for you.

You're the only half-decent man I know.

So show up, slap a smile on your face and pretend you like me.

Why you so bothered about impressing your parents, anyway?

Because they think I'm a fuck-up.

And I am a fuck-up.

But I don't want to provide them with any more ammunition.

[Ian sighs]

Tell you what, that black goes in...

and you're on.

-[Maxine laughs] -[Ian laughs]

[Ian] You all right, mate?

[Maxine clears throat]

Look, I don't want to sound like a tit, but your angle's all wrong.

Go on, then.

-That was actually pretty good. -Nothing.

[Maxine chuckles]

What, that doesn't count!

You said the black had to go in. You didn't say who by.

[Maxine] Wear something straight.

[sweet romantic music]

[Lillian] Got any Tom Bakers?

-What? -Scarves.

You know, like Tom Baker wore.

Ladies' wear...

third floor.

-Eh? -It's the lowest form of wit, love.

Never mind.

Going to look like a real twat if I turn up without one.

Bournemouth, three days. Doctor Who convention.

There's going to be a real live Cyberman there.

-And I fucking love Cybermen. -4.50.

Hear that Karen Maguire's coming out of prison today.

-You sure? -Yeah.

-And it was hospital, not prison. -No. Mimi definitely said prison.

Ta. See ya.

Yeah, live long and prosper.

-[Jamie] Are you okay? -[Karen] I've stayed in worse places.

It's all right.

You can give me a hug, I'm not going to break.

[door opens]

[door slams]

Bit quiet in here, innit?

People aren't willing to slap down cash for a quickie any more.

Everyone just stays home and wanks.

I thought when Lillian left me in charge, it'd be a chance to do things my way.

But you can't have a knocking shop if nobody's knocking.

[knocking at the door]

-Erm... -Piss off, son.

-Come back when you're older. -Whoa, whoa. Don't you fucking move.

How old are ya?

16.

You got ID?

-Technically, he's legal. -[Kelly] Yeah,

but if he gets his rocks off in 'ere,

then every bloody kid for miles is going to be coming through that door.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Park your arse.

[intriguing music]

"She's young," I said. "They make mistakes."

That's what youth is all about. She'll learn.

Main thing, she did her time like a good girl.

Makes me feel proud.

-She's not half like me. -[Karen slams glasses on the counter]

[Karen] I wasn't in jail.

-Best not talk about this now, eh, Karen? -I was in hospital.

[Karen] A psychiatric hospital.

Insanity plea. Works a charm.

[Karen] I've been diagnosed wi' being bipolar.

It's an affective disorder in which the individual alternates

between states of deep depression and extreme elation.

And it is nothing to be ashamed of, despite what some people might think.

You'll ruin the good name of this family.

Have you actually looked at the family recently?

Because if you really think the Maguires have got a good name,

maybe it's you that needs to stay in a nuthouse.

[Ian] Cereal for dinner?

Yeah, for any time of the day.

Not breaking any laws.

Going out?

Yeah. Maxine's folks are having a party.

Well, a bit of warning would have been nice.

-I've not even had a shower or anything. -It's a private party.

-Oh. -[Ian] It's not going to be fun.

I've got to pretend to be her doctor boyfriend.

Boyfriend?

But she does know that you're a...

-Some kind of bird? -Shit-stabber.

Of course she does. You know that.

-Ta-da! -You scrub up okay.

-So do you. -Yeah, for a poof!

Well, I'm dead busy tonight, me.

Oh, I've got loads of things to do.

[Micky turns TV on]

-Should we hold hands or something? -I don't know. If you want.

Hello?

-Is this not a bit over the top? -Shut up.

-Hi, Mum. -Hiya, love. Aw.

[Maxine] Dad,

this is, er, my boyfriend.

Hi.

Dr Gallagher.

Doctor? Oh! Can't be bad.

[Cameron] Come in.

-[karaoke music] -[guy singing "Love Will Tear us Apart"]

So, how come you ended up with our Max, then?

We met at, um...

a social function.

It must be a bit frustrating, though?

Well, no, not really.

[Cameron] You've obviously gone out

and made something of yourself and now you've been lumbered with her.

Take her brother, Bruce.

He's directionless, yeah, but he's got drive. He's got gumption.

I've got drive.

[Cameron] Of course you have, sweetheart. Don't be so sensitive.

She's just like her mother.

You help yourself to beer, won't you, Ian?

Don't. I'm fine.

Cool fucking beans. On toast.

Let's just get through this party without fucking up.

[Bruce singing "Love Will Tear us Apart"]

Apparently, the sexual peak for a woman is in her 30s.

-That's, like, 60 in dog years-- -[Ian] Micky!

-[Ian] What you doing? -Making conversation--

-No, what the fuck are you doing here? -I'm looking out for you.

Watching that Maxine. She fancies you.

-[Ian] Don't talk shite. -It'll get messy.

Stop trying to run my life.

Stay here, don't touch anything, don't talk to anyone.

Maxine won't mind. Carl's here too.

-You shouldn't be here. -It's a party.

It's not that sort of party. You can't stay.

I'm sure your boyfriend won't mind.

-[Ian] Could have asked me, though. -[Bruce] Thank you.

Have a bit of fun!

[Cameron] Hey, Doc, are you going to have a go at that karaoke?

Watch out for our Max.

She sounds like a pig being punched when she starts belting them out.

-Cut it out. -Cut what out?

You're making Max feel bad. I know you probably don't mean to.

[Ian] I don't want to cause an argument, but you need to ease up on her.

Give her a smile or a thumbs-up or something.

[upbeat lounge music playing]

[Carl] What are we singing?

"I Got You Babe".

[man] Oh, my god.

[chatter in background]

You've got to go home some time, kiddo.

No. Not until they stop treating me like a slave.

-Unless I'm getting in the way. -Course you're not.

Right. Number 64, you're up.

[lads laughing]

[Kelly] Thank you.

Calm down. Deep breaths.

[both inhale deeply]

[both exhale]

Have fun.

After-school specials? You're a genius.

Shame it's out of my pocket, straight into Lillian's.

No, you just need a bit of creative accounting, that's all.

Nah. I couldn't do that.

-Hi! -[lad] I've counted it, twice.

There's your ticket, take a seat.

[lad] Cheers.

[mischievous music]

Then again...

What she doesn't know, right?

[Jamie moans]

[Karen] Jamie,

it's like a thousand insects scrabbling away.

[Jamie gasps in discomfort]

[Karen pants]

[Karen's voice] Jamie,

why won't it stop?

Jamie, why won't it stop?

[Karen's voice screaming] Stop! Stop!

-[Karen breaths quickly] -[Jamie sighs] Sorry.

It's just...

Oh, sorry.

-[Jamie sighs] -It's okay.

I understand.

[Jamie] It's not you, Karen. It's just...

I'm tired, babes.

-It's all right. -[Jamie sighs]

[tense music]

["Children" playing]

[lads chattering]

-So, you really like our Max, eh? -Yeah, she's great.

You're a shit liar.

[Bruce blows out smoke]

Little gay boy.

Cut it out, Bruce.

It's ok. He knows. I tell my little brother everything.

[Ian] Fuck's sake.

I thought you were going to punch me then.

Yeah. With his penis.

-[Ian] You're kidding. Are you-- -One of the gays? Yep.

-For me sins. -I'm one of them lot too.

Max, you got any friends who don't park their car up Chocolate Lane?

I don't.

Yeah, that's a shame.

Right, well, you boys can all crash in here,

but don't expect any Caligula-style orgies.

Smoking dope's one thing,

but I don't think Pops would be too pleased

if he found us all with us dicks hanging out.

[Bruce] And cheers for sticking up for my sis.

If you were shafting her,

I'd definitely give you my seal of approval.

I'll get some pillows and stuff, then.

I was thinking...

I could stay in your room.

I mean, give the lads a bit of space and all that.

Yeah, it's just...

Ian's my fake boyfriend, so...

[Maxine] My dad, you know. Might be weird.

Yeah, good point.

[Carl] Er, your singing...

it were dead good. Like proper singing.

Oh, cheers.

[suspenseful music]

-What-- -[Maxine shushes]

[Ian sighs]

[Micky's voice] I'm looking out for you. Watching that Maxine. She fancies you.

[radio playing]

[plates clattering]

[water pouring]

Cheers for last night. I do appreciate it.

-That's my mug. -What?

[Ian] It says "Ian" on it.

Ian. That's me. So, respect that, thank you.

[plates clattering]

[spoon tinkling]

What's his problem?

You've put the wind up him.

-[Maxine] Sorry? -He knows.

-[Maxine] Knows what? -That you fancy him.

I don't.

Whatever you think is going to happen, it's not.

[Micky] Right?

I'm sorry, but it's not.

You need a fucking hobby, sunshine.

Too much time on your hands.

[tense music]

[Karen] Friendly warning letter.

Official warning letter.

Red no-more-fucking-warning letters.

Easy, Karen, easy.

Come on, calm down.

You think I'm doing this cos of my condition?

Crazy fucking Karen?

We are one bill away from being out on our arses.

Hey, it's all under control.

I'm dealing with these.

You've got nothing to worry about.

-You promise me? -Yeah.

Of course.

[door lock opens]

[Micky] Voila!

Tidy bit of artwork by yours fucking truly.

[Ian sighs]

[suspenseful music]

[Micky] Oi! What the fuck?

[moaning]

[pool balls clattering]

[fast-paced electronic music]

You all right?

Don't speak, all right? Don't say a word.

[door lock closes]

[both panting]

[both breathing heavily]

[Micky] Ah, yeah.

[Maxine moans]

[Micky moans and pants]

[both panting]

[Micky's voice] Watching that Maxine.

[Micky's voice] Because whatever you think is going to happen, it's not.

[Micky's voice] She fancies ya.

[Micky's voice] He knows that you fancy him.

I've got to run.

-Right, well, I'll see you later, yeah? -Yeah.

[fast-paced music]

[Micky moans]

-Have you seen the scissors? -[Micky moans]

[Micky moans]

[Ian breathes heavily]

-[Micky] Give us a kiss. -Fuck off, Micky.

[Micky breathes quickly]

[disco pop music playing]

[Carl] It's back on.

It's so back on. You should have seen her, all over me.

[Jamie] All right, we get it, mate. You're great, you're fucking amazing.

-[Carl] Right, I'm off. -[Chesney] You're joking?

You can't go home. Are you not seeing what I'm seeing?

-They're all right, I suppose. -All right? It's girls in school uniform.

There's no way we are not going home without them.

No, I can't. It wouldn't be right.

No, it really would be.

[Carl] There's two of them and one of you, and they're all gagging for it.

So stop being a tit, and get over there.

Happy birthday!

See you later, mate. Take care.

Ladies' toilets. Two minutes.

-[Jamie] You what? -You heard.

Do I know you?

-No. -So what's this about, then?

Well, I just wanted to see what sort of person you are.

Like, are you the sort of man who walks into the ladies

just because a stranger told him to?

And?

[upbeat music]

-[Jamie pants] -[woman laughs]

-[woman moans loudly] -[Jamie pants]

[both moaning]

-[woman screams] -[Jamie breaths heavily]

[puffs loudly]

[enigmatic upbeat music]

I was going to knock this time, honest.

Oh, come on! It was sort of funny.

[Maxine] Have you been eating twat sandwiches today or summat?

Cos either I've done something wrong

or you've turned into a total fanny overnight.

Micky thinks you fancy me.

And he keeps going on about it. It's messing with my head a bit.

Sorry.

[TV in background]

I don't think you need to worry about that.

Even if I did, it'd be pointless.

So don't flatter yourself.

[Ian] It's not just that.

It's... I don't know.

What are you doing?

-I don't know. -Don't do that.

-Don't! -Sorry.

I know you're just trying to be nice, but I fucking hate nice.

-And I don't need your sympathy. -It's not sympathy.

Ian, a few hours ago, you had your dick in Micky.

-So let's not pretend otherwise, eh? -I did it because I thought it'd help.

You don't have to justify it.

[Maxine] That's what you do. Who you are.

Sorry.

-[Ian] All right? -Piss off.

[Ian chuckles]

-[remote beeping] -[TV playing]

Stop, alright?

[romantic music]

[Maxine] Stop.

[Ian and Maxine moaning loudly]

[tense music]

[Maxine moans]

[Ian and Maxine moaning]

[Maxine moans louder and louder]

[birds chirping]

Please tell me you weren't watching me sleep.

We're going to watch a movie.

-It's a bit early for porn, isn't it? -It's not porn. It's art.

-Oh, really. What's it called? -[Micky] Handbugger Hill.

Part Two.

[Micky pushing buttons]

-[video playing] -That is Richie Rockwood.

[Micky] Ten inches of pure hard steel.

He won the Gay Adult Video Awards, Best Performer, three years in a row.

[table trembling]

-[Micky] He's gorgeous, isn't he? -He's all right, I guess.

No, he is not "all right".

A cup of tea in the morning's "all right".

Beans on toast is "all right". Richie Rockwood is fucking incredible,

and I want you to admit that to me, right here, right now.

[men moaning on video]

-You saw us. -You're too fucking right I did.

-Ruined me dinner. -It must be confusing for you.

It's confusing for me too. Really fucking confusing.

Hey, don't worry.

[Micky] We're going to sort you out. We'll...

We'll de-straighten you. Everything'll be fine.

-Ian, just watch the movie! -I don't want to watch the fucking movie!

-Fine. We'll go to bed then. -No!

You didn't have a problem yesterday before she fucked with your head.

-She didn't fuck with my head. -So I'm just a piece of meat to you?

A booty call.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have dragged you into this. I shouldn't have slept with you.

Yes, you should, Ian! Because I'm a fucking man!

-[door lock closes] -And that is fucking natural!

[men panting on video]

-I'm not handling knock-offs. -They're not knock-off.

-They're 100% legit. -Where did you get them from, then?

I won 'em.

In a raffle. Youth club.

The youth club was raffling off Ladyshaves?

-50 quid. -Done!

Liam!

Breakfast.

Carl? Stella? Anyone?

Hello?

[lads cheering]

All right, on you go.

[lads cheering]

Don't forget your souvenir snaps, it's only two quid.

Look, come home, son. This is no place for a young lad.

Oh, fuckin' 'ell.

You only want me home cos you can't look after yourself.

[Frank] Well, yeah, obviously.

But...

You're part of me, you're me flesh and blood.

I'm like one of those amputees who just lost a limb

-and still thinks that it's there. -Twenty quid.

It's not about the cash, Liam, it's about family.

Twenty quid.

I could get a maid for that, a butler.

-Me own personal Jeeves. -Then get one.

Just...

[coins rattling]

What? You what? Eh, eh?

Fucking tried, didn't I?

Me own fucking flesh and blood.

[folk music playing]

[door shutting]

I think you must have wandered into the wrong house, cos...

everybody knows Paddy Maguire wouldn't pay for it.

[Paddy sighs]

I just thought, as two fellow entrepreneurs,

we could have a little chat, a business opportunity.

We're doing fine as we are.

-You haven't even heard my proposal. -That's right.

I haven't.

Goodbye, Paddy.

Try and control your woman, son

before someone else has to.

[door lock opens]

[Jamie scoffs]

[paper crumpling]

[unfolding paper]

[tense music]

[both pant]

Whatever your game is, I'm not interested.

[Michelle] Jamie...

It is Jamie, right?

Well, sit down.

Now, there's a woman in Manchester on a conference.

Three months ago, she discovered

that her husband had been having an affair for over two years.

She's vulnerable, a little insecure,

but, most importantly,

she needs cheering up,

and someone like you could really put the smile back on her face.

[Jamie laughs] You've got to be kidding, yeah?

Er, I put 200 in your pocket. Missing 50 here.

I had bills to pay.

Times are hard. I get it. That's why I'm offering you work.

I said I had bills.

I didn't say I wanting to become a fucking man-whore.

[chuckling] You still took 50 quid off me to pay some bills.

But it won't be enough, will it?

Because there's always another brown envelope

waiting to land on the doormat.

[Michelle] One hour's work, and you get this.

No. I'm not interested.

You are going to walk away...

from this?

I've got a wife and a kid, so, yeah...

I am.

[piano playing]

Think about it.

[car door shuts]

Hey, I can guarantee you at least 200 quid a session, right?

Well, that's three sessions a week,

that's... nearly two and a half grand a month, right? Tax-free.

Yes, you have a wife and a kid,

but that kind of money's got to make life a lot easier for everyone.

If you want to know more, get in the car.

[upbeat drum music]

[door shutting]

It's through the back, gents. Game kicks off in five minutes.

It's a 100 quid minimum and, time wasters, you know where the exit is.

[door opens]

No.

What?

I can't do it, Joe.

One thing I've learned is life has got to be simple.

It is.

You, me and the baby, we get in the car, and we go. Right now.

Heard you got tagged.

Oh! That...

Was a misunderstanding at the casino.

It's a ten-minute detour to a mate.

It's a blowtorch and wire cutters moment. It's not a reason to stay.

Jamie can't look after ya.

-He can't provide for you, not like I can. -He does his best.

And it's never going to be good enough!

I just came here...

to say no.

That was it.

[door opens]

[Joe grunts]

Really fuckin' smooth, Joe.

[sighs]

[door knocking]

[door lock opens]

-Carl! Hey. -[Carl] Shh! Come.

[Carl] Come on.

Sit down.

Close your eyes.

-[Carl] Come on, close them. -[Maxine sighs heavily]

Okay.

-What's this? -Open it and see.

-Jesus! It's-- -Real.

Wow, Carl...

-You haven't thought this through. -I have.

Really.

[Carl] Look, we've been stupid and we've made mistakes,

but I'm certain about this, Max.

I really am.

-You and me-- -Whoa! You've got terrible timing, you.

-I'm running late for work. -[Carl] Five minutes.

I'm already on a warning. They're going to kill me.

Last chance, they said.

[keys rattling]

Go on, then. You better run.

-[Carl] I'll come see you after. -Yeah.

[door shuts]

-[Carl] Guess what? -What?

I'm getting married!

[Micky sighs]

[door shuts]

[door lock opens]

Come in.

[police sirens approaching]

Not going to give you much of a night out.

-What do you want? -Assistance.

And what makes you think I'll say yes?

Because you want to be in full possession of your kneecaps.

And...

I'll be forever in your debt.

Who knows...

maybe it'll mend a few bridges between me and your ma.

Is this something like being made an offer you can't refuse?

No.

It's exactly like being made an offer you can't refuse.

[calm soothing music]

[indistinct conversation]

Over a thousand quid in two days.

God, if Lillian wasn't coming back tomorrow...

I know.

I mean, the best thing is, we did this.

[steps]

Thought they'd all buggered off home.

[snorting]

[lad exhaling heavily]

What the fuck are you doing?

Out! Everyone out!

-I'm sorry. -[Kelly] Fuck being sorry.

-What the hell is wrong with you? -It's only coke.

Since when have you been a fucking coke dealer, Chesney?

You're working for him?

[breathes heavily] Ok, you can piss off now.

[Kelly] Uh-uh. We're keeping the coke, and the money.

-He'll fucking kill me. -I'll handle him.

I didn't have a choice.

-So she said yeah, then? -She's going to.

I can tell. You see, I know Maxine.

-No, you don't. -What do you mean?

You don't know Maxine at all. You don't know anything.

-Ian's sleeping with her. -What?

-Shut up! -[Micky] I caught 'em.

I'm sure you did. Ian and Maxine?

[Micky] I came home, and they were fucking.

-They didn't see me. -Look, Ian's gay and you're insane.

Think about it.

All that time they spend together, laughing and joking. Best mates.

More than best mates.

You've seen it too.

Micky, you're starting to piss me off now.

Ask him, then.

[Micky] Ask him about it. Why would I lie to you, for fuck's sake?

[Micky] I'm trying to stop you making a fool of yourself!

-Fuck off! -[Micky] In his bed...

I saw 'em. Fucking each other. Look, I'm telling you this to help you.

Why are you trying to mess with me like this? [grunts]

-[shouts] Tell me it's a lie! Tell me! -I can't!

It's not!

[Carl sobbing] Ian and Maxine?

[Carl] My Maxine?

No...

[Carl] That's not fucking...

That's not fucking possible. She wouldn't.

She wants to be with me.

She got up and walked out on you the moment you pulled out that ring.

Has she called you about it?

Texted you?

Anything?

No. Because she's fucking your brother.

Fuck you!

[in anger] That's not true!

[Carl sobbing] It's not fucking true!

[soft tense music]

[Michelle moaning]

[Ian] Why the fuck did you tell Carl?

-Because he loves her. -No, no, he doesn't!

-He just thinks he does! -He proposed to her!

-What? -[Micky] And he was going to ask you

to be the best man.

-You! -[Ian] Oh, no, this can't be happening!

Just explain to him that it was all an accident.

How can I explain it to him, when I don't even understand it myself?

Well, the damage is done.

So you better put a stop to the whole thing.

-It's for the best. -No.

[Micky] But you can't like her.

She doesn't...

She doesn't even have a cock.

-Maybe I just like people. -People with cocks.

[Ian] Or maybe I am confused,

and maybe me and Maxine are just mates,

or maybe it's more than that.

-How can it be? -I don't know!

[shouting] I don't have all the fucking answers!

I just know...

That when I'm with her, I'm not thinking man or woman.

It's just Maxine.

And maybe, sexuality isn't one thing or another.

Maybe it's something that's just shifting and moving.

Fuck you!

What?

[Ian] What?

Fuck... you!

I looked up to you. I thought you meant something.

Because until I met you,

I was a freak.

I was disgusted with myself.

But you... showed me...

that I didn't have to be.

You're a fucking traitor.

It wasn't...

It wasn't personal.

-I didn't mean to. -[Micky] But you did.

And I loved you.

-Micky... -And not in a...

"want to shag him all over the place" way.

But just love!

Just proper fucking love!

But now I see you for what you are.

A cunt.

[door slamming]

[baby crying]

I understand you have something that belongs to me.

We're having our dinner here.

[Liam] Chips? I've only had four of my five a day.

Have a bloody banana, then.

You had no right dealing at Lillian's.

And to school kids!

Free market. Supply and demand.

Exactly the same as you were doing.

No, no. I just wanted them to have fun. Harmless fun, show them a good time.

[Paddy] No.

You wanted to make some easy cash. At least I wasn't lying to myself.

You don't have any bloody bananas.

-Then have some milk or something! -Milk?

[Kelly sighs] Jesus!

Don't you dare act like you're better than me.

You're the one who paid to fuck your own son's girlfriend.

And you're the one who took the money.

Now, I would like my property back,

thank you.

[cabinet door opening]

[unwrapping]

[Paddy] True what they say, dear.

If you look in the abyss long enough, it'll stare right back at you.

[indie music playing]

Don't ask.

I'm having a bit of tough time of it at the moment.

I haven't got any money.

I don't want any money.

I wouldn't ask you, anyway.

Oh...

I just... I dunno.

Do you ever think you're one thing and then...

you breathe in and maybe you're not?

I went to Southend-on-Sea once.

The sixth circle of Hell.

And I stood on the beach, resisting the urge to do a Reggie Perrin',

and there's this old fella,

just eating custard creams.

Just shoving them down his throat.

And he looked...

miserable,

even though he'd probably bought 'em all for himself.

He looked so fucking miserable.

I'm not sure I follow.

Me neither.

It's all fucking bits and pieces, this life of ours.

[Ian] Hmm.

Could be worse. Could be a poof.

[Ian sighs heavily]

[kissing]

[door opens]

[door shuts]

[Carl] So...

Maxine, then.

-[Carl] You fucking... -[Ian] Ah!

[Ian gasps in pain]

[slamming]

[Carl screams]

-[Carl] You lied to me. -[Ian gasps]

[Carl screams]

-[laboured breathing] -You fucking knew!

-[Ian grunts] -[Karen] Carl!

-[Carl] I'll fucking kill him! -[Chesney] Stop it! He's your brother!

[Carl spits]

-[Carl] He's fucking dead to me! -[Ian coughs]

[Frank] Fucking hell.

Ok now, you all right, son?

[Ian coughs]

-Ian, I'm-- -Don't say sorry.

But I am.

[Maxine] I'm sorry.

I'm not.

[Micky] That's the thing about this world of ours.

Even if we are twats, it just keeps on rolling.

[door closes]

[Micky] Wife walks out on ya. Father passes away.

Cat gets run over by the number 10 bus. Doesn't matter.

[female voice screaming]

[Micky] World's not going to stop, not even going to pause for breath.

[phone beeping]

[pool balls clicking]

I've got to pop out for a while.

Sure.

[Micky] Nobody cares about your problems.

But sometimes you find someone.

Someone who seems to understand, someone who gets ya.

[woman laughing]

[Micky] And for a little while, it's better.

We can lie there in the dark, and promise never to leave each other.

We have someone to hold on to.

For a little while, anyway.

I've met someone. We're gonna live together

Her name's D'reen.

Oh my god!

-What happened to the kitchen? -Bailiffs.

-Never let the bailiffs in. -Can you lend me some more money?

This is it for the Maguires. 150 grand.

And you're gonna rob it.

-How much do you owe? -1500.

-Get down, son. -[Liam] Why should I?

-What have I got to live for? -[all scream]

[man] Hello, officers. What seems to be the problem?

I know you.

[grunts]

-None of this is done to make you jealous. -This is your mid-life crisis, not mine.

I want us to go to Cuba.

[shaver buzzing]

Oh, bastard!

I'm not going to ask.