Original subtitles

I mean, man oh man, you want to talk about blowing a layup.

How does LA lose out

on the most lucrative deal in League history?

-You mean the Hoopli deal? -Yes.

-And, I hate to say it, Isla Gordon… -Mm-hmm.

…what are you thinking?

Boston just sneaks in there and punches LA in the nards.

Jack Gordon is spinning in his grave right now

because this team stinks.

Uh, he was cremated.

His ashes were scattered in Hugh Hefner's grotto, you dumbass.

Uh, can you please not swear in front of Law Roach?

I'm sorry, Law, I'm just very upset.

No, it's okay. I've dressed some really crazy bitches.

Well, I'm very honored to be one of them today.

You are gonna look so amazing at your engagement party.

Thank you. Will you tell Zendaya I'm a huge fan?

-She won't know who you are. -Okay, drag her, Law.

Makes sense.

Thank you so much, and will you put it in the car?

- Bye. - I got you.

That's right, haters.

After seven long years,

your girl's engagement party is this weekend.

It can't be all work all the time.

And while I am a proud Gordon,

this is one part of my life where I'm determined not to be my dad.

It'll be okay, Mom.

I'm sure Dad didn't mean it.

- He'll come back. - He's not coming back.

Please, go get Mommy her Skittles.

You mean your Ativan?

Pretty bleak shit, right?

Jack Gordon couldn't commit to his marriages, but I will.

And I will only be married once.

Well, once more.

I was married to Brian Austin Green, remember?

Nice guy.

And as hard as I'm working to be the best owner,

I will work just as hard to be the best wife to this perfect, perfect man.

Guess who finally beat Joanna?

Straight sets.

She has a twisted ankle, but I still say it counts.

Ooh, what's that?

This is a little protein shake to ring in our engagement party week.

-Oh my God. -What? Is it bad?

Mm-mm.

This is good. It's just…

It's much chunkier than I was expecting.

Well, we didn't have spinach, so I used broccoli.

Right on.

Mmm. That is an experience.

Let's talk schedule.

My parents get into LAX tomorrow.

I'll pick them up, then I'll see you back here for dinner.

Perfect. I was thinking I'd order in and pretend like I cooked.

They-- They love you. They're never gonna believe that you made pot stickers.

And I love them. But I am never learning how to cook.

You don't have to.

You are more than making up for it by converting.

Converting. To what? Solar?

Seriously, though, the whole becoming Jewish thing is a long process,

so we should probably get the ball rolling sooner than later.

Did he say… Jewish?

♪ One, two, three, four, five ♪

♪ Once I step into the party Then I'm getting it live ♪

Question.

Do you ever remember me saying anything about becoming Jewish?

I have heard you say you prefer circumcised penises for aesthetic reasons.

I never said that.

Yeah, you did.

Oh my God, I remember now.

A couple months ago,

Lev and I went to his cousin's wedding in Punta Mita.

-I had, like, seven margaritas. -Nice.

It was this big Jewish wedding and beautiful rituals,

and I must've gotten carried away and told Lev I'd convert.

No big deal. Just tell him it was a miscommunication.

Like that time you forgot to pick him up from LASIK surgery.

Well… I can just be Jewish if Lev wants me to.

Isla, you can't be so casual about this. I mean, religion is really important.

Yeah, it's important to Lev and his family.

He does stuff for me all the time.

I once told him I hate Crocs.

I have never seen him wear them once. Not even by the pool.

This isn't like the Blue Zones diet you abandon driving past a Taco Bell.

Can't you just play pickleball like normal white couples?

Yeah, we'll do that too.

Harper Collins presents Seize the Day by the Balls,

a memoir written by Jack Gordon.

I'm your narrator, Gary St. Michel.

Hey, you got five minutes.

Uh, so, I-- I wanted this meeting because I've been listening to our dad's memoir.

Super inspirational. Have you read it?

Not the whole thing. I, uh, stopped when I saw my name was misspelled.

The narrator says your name right, if that makes you feel better.

It doesn't, so get to it.

Okay, anyway, uh, a big part of the book is asserting yourself.

I know you, Isla, and Ness didn't start where you are now…

Nope, Isla and Ness had to fail as human beings before they got their jobs.

I had to get an MBA.

Right.

My point is, you… you worked your way up, and that's what I'm trying to do.

Uh…

When I was a vendor, I noticed certain aspects of the fan experience.

One thing is, our halftime shows have gone stale.

It's nothing but dance routines and thick dads missing lay-ups.

We're the most storied franchise in the league.

Our halftime shows should match that standard, right?

Check this out. This is Red Panda.

She's a Chinese acrobat who rides a ten-foot-tall unicycle,

and she flips bowls from her feet onto her forehead.

I think we should hire her.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Red Panda!

I gotta take this. If you wanna work your way up,

why don't you just focus on being the best assistant you can be, all right?

Shut the door on your way out. Thank you.

- Hello? - Hey.

Guess who got two tickets to see your favorite show live.

No.

Wait, Wait… Don't Tell Me! How? I thought it was sold out.

-Yeah, it is, but I pulled some strings. -Oh my God.

I'm freaking out. Like, we're gonna see Peter Sagal in real life?

-When is it again? -Uh, tomorrow night.

Damn it, damn it, damn it.

I, uh… Ooh, I have a… I have work thing.

No, God, no. Can you get out of it?

No, it's a, uh, finance board conference

on, um, luxury tax implications.

It… it's really boring stuff. Um…

Well, shoot, that sucks.

I guess we'll just have to "wait, wait" for some other time.

Yeah, I'm… I'm sorry. Uh…

I've gotta go, all right? I, uh-- I love you.

Yeah, I, uh, love you too.

-Hey, you got a minute? -Uh, yeah, come on in, Jackie.

Just taking care of the old turkey neck.

Better appreciate that tight young skin while you've still got it.

-How you been? You good? -Yeah.

Oh.

-Somebody being racist to you? -No, no, nothing like that.

Okay, good. Because there's no room in this organization for racism.

Well, at least not since my dad died.

Funny you mention our dad.

You know, he used to say, "In business, there's no such thing as 'no.'"

"Only 'not yet.'"

Well, but just to be clear, that's only in business, right?

Yeah. Are you familiar with a performer named Red Panda?

-No. -Aw, you're gonna love this.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

Get over there!

Reed, move your feet.

Get back, come on.

I'm gonna be a little late to your engagement party.

I've got to drop my girls off at my ex's first.

Of course. Hey, can I ask you a strangely personal question?

Yeah.

How did you know you wanted to be a Buddhist?

Well, I, uh, got to a point in my life

where the only things I cared about were money, sex, fame…

I'm sorry, are those supposed to be bad things?

The first time I walked inside a vihara, I knew my life was changed forever.

I immediately felt centered and resolute, and in touch with the world around me.

I don't know what that is, but it sounds so nice.

Best decision I ever made.

But it was tough.

All right? It took my family a long time to come around to my decision.

But, you know, they saw it made me a happier, more complete person.

Yeah, that's what it's about.

And I introduced 'em to Richard Gere.

My mom still emails with him.

How is she not the most famous person in the world?

I haven't seen this level of showmanship since I saw Adele in concert.

I cried so much she had to stop singing to check on me.

What if we get Red Panda for our halftime show?

She's in town for an opening of a CB2. She's at The Grove right now.

What if we get her for tomorrow's game?

Yes, I'll have programming reach out to her immediately.

Hey, do me a favor. Tell the dancers they're getting bumped.

This is a great presentation, brother. Bring it in.

-I love it. You're fully engaged. -Yeah.

Ooh, that's… that's good. That's tight. That's really tight.

- Okay! Don't ask about the flight. - Hi.

Welcome to LA.

- Oh, it is so good to see you guys. - Oh!

-You too. -It smells amazing in here.

Well, I made Chinese food. Don't look in the garbage.

How was the flight?

The flight.

This morning, I took a tape measure to the airport

to make sure our bags were well within the limits.

But still, they check our bags because

"no more overhead space."

There was space. Lots of it.

♪ My price going up ♪

♪ All the way up ♪

♪ And my whole crew in the cut My price going up ♪

♪ All the way up ♪

♪ And my whole crew in the cut My price going up ♪

♪ All the way up ♪

♪ All the way up ♪

♪ All the way up ♪

♪ And my whole crew in the cut My price going up ♪

♪ I don't got no hands on the wheel ♪

♪ I don't give a damn about how you feel ♪

♪ Used to rock a fake chain Now it's real ♪

♪ Making too much to sign a deal ♪

♪ Uh, I'm moving too fast ♪

♪ I put too much on the gas ♪

♪ I come first, I don't do last ♪

♪ All I do is get the cash ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

How's it going?

You-- You guys are incredible.

I loved all the moves and… spins.

-This is a closed rehearsal. -Oh, this… this will be quick.

Uh, great news. We got Red Panda for tomorrow's halftime show.

I know. Cool, right?

So, yeah, y'all are off the hook for tomorrow.

Hold up. What is a Red Panda?

Oh, she's a performer. She's amazing.

N-- Not that you guys aren't.

You guys are all smoking…

Smokingly talented. All smoke.

Hey, so you're cutting us? Who approved this?

Uh, Ness Gordon, the GM. He's my brother now.

Well, uh, technically, it was my idea.

Mmm, so it was your idea?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Oh.

So, yeah. Uh, I, uh… I've got to go.

- Yeah. Okay. - Good talk. Bye.

Hey, morning, Jackie.

Good morning. Our brothers are in the conference room.

They wanted to surprise you with breakfast. So nice, right?

What? They don't do anything nice.

-Hey. -Hey, there she is.

- Hey. - Cam, what's up?

Oh, just missing my baby sister.

I told my parole officer he better let me squeeze in a visit.

Yeah, we got you one of those little green coffees you like.

Matcha?

Mm-hmm.

What the fuck is this? Why are you guys being so weird?

Isla, you can tell us. Will Lev not marry you if you don't convert?

-What? -Look, we understand the pressure.

Yeah, you're no spring chicken.

I know he might be your last resort. Ticktock…

Hey, don't point at my ovaries, okay?

-Lev's not making me do this. -Okay, good.

Then you can get out of it. Boom, we're done.

No, no, not "boom, done." I want this.

Wait, are you bothered I'm becoming Jewish?

- Whoa. - Whoa, easy.

I'm stoked about it. It's cool.

A little weird that a grown-ass woman's just up and changing her religion.

- Like, what are you, Cat Stevens? - Yeah.

I'm sorry. I didn't realize you guys were attached to our non-existent faith.

Well, to be honest, I mean, you know, it does feel like you're abandoning us.

We'd get together around the holidays, and I never did drugs on Christmas.

Think about what you'd be giving up. Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy.

-Nope. Tooth Fairy's not Christian. -Yes, he is.

He's best friends with Santa. That's how he gets around the houses.

-The sleigh… -Nope, he has wings.

- Yes, he does. He has wings. - He's not Christian.

-It's transactional. -Shut up for a second! Hey.

-The Tooth Fairy's a chick. -No.

Hey, you guys. Guys, look.

I'm kind of flattered that you care about our dysfunctional family traditions,

but I've made up my mind.

None of us grew up seeing what a healthy marriage looked like.

And I love Lev.

I want to make this marriage work, so I'm converting.

Okay. Just wanted you to know how we felt.

Great. So are we done here?

Not quite. Sandy.

-What is that? -That is the Gordon Family Trust.

When Bernie heard you were converting, he flagged something Dad had added.

Go ahead, Sandy.

"If any of my children convert to Judaism, Islam, Mormonism, or Hinduism,

they shall immediately forfeit any and all participation

in Gordon Family Holdings LLC,

including, but not limited to,

ownership stakes in the LA Waves, Gordon Family Investments,

and any real estate holdings and properties."

I was pleasantly surprised there was nothing against same-sex marriage.

- Cool how Dad still surprises us. - Hold on.

Back to my thing. This can't be enforceable.

Unfortunately, it is. If you do convert, you will lose everything.

Even my job?

Well, legally, you keep your job, but you just lose everything else.

I think the choice is pretty clear.

Well, you're right, Cam.

My choice is very clear.

Lev loves me for me, not my holdings.

He'd stay with me even if I had to sleep on the beach.

Not the beach in front of the Malibu house.

Because, technically, the Trust owns that as well…

I am so tired of everyone telling me what to do.

I'm gonna do what I want to do.

Or is it what Lev wants you to do?

Screw you, Cam.

Screw… you.

Hey, is there anything in there about body piercings?

One thing you don't tell Isla Gordon,

what goddamn religion she can or can't be.

You know what?

They've never seen a Jew like me.

And that's the end of the first half.

The Waves, 49. Tropics, 54.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm Los Angeles Waves welcome

to our halftime performer.

All the way from Shaanxi, China, Red Panda!

What the fuck?

It's fine.

Oh!

No way.

Come on.

Let's go!

Yes! Yes!

I told you!

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Red Panda!

Absolutely amazing.

I mean, if loving smoked salmon is a crime, then lox me up.

Oh, sorry, sweetie, you've got a little schmuts on your face.

You've got a good one there, Levie.

I do prefer the Old Testament. I mean, if it ain't broke… Right?

Oh, I share a dermatologist with Natalie Portman.

Oh, honey, give me my phone.

So, Larry David has season tickets to the Waves.

- Mmm. - I have his number in my phone.

Don't show them.

How does someone even discover that they have this kind of talent?

-I know. -Hey, hey.

-Hey. -What are you guys watching?

I just showed Gene a clip from the halftime show today. It was insane.

Wait, this is… this is from today? Today's game? Like the Waves game?

No, it's from tomorrow's game.

Did you approve this?

Me? No, it was Ness.

Ness.

Charlie! Hey!

What-- What up?

So, this is, uh-- This is the work thing you couldn't get out of?

-Your sister's engagement party? -Yes, yeah, it… it is a work thing.

My, um…

My sister's my co-worker.

Um, how… how did you know I'd… I'd be here?

That shouldn't matter. But Ness told me.

You know, I met him by mistake the night you lied and said you had COVID.

Goddamn it.

I called to see if he and Bituin wanted our Wait, Wait… Don't Tell Me! tickets.

And he said he couldn't take them because he didn't know what NPR was,

and you'd all be here tonight.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, I… I realize I fucked up.

I'm so sorry. Let's just get out of here, and we can talk about it.

Um, no, thanks.

And I'm not-- I'm not mad.

I just, uh, I just wanted to say goodbye in person.

-Charlie. -Look, I can't tell what you want.

But what I want is to be with somebody who isn't ashamed of me.

You know, who treats me as his… as his equal.

Who wants to introduce me to his family.

You know, goodbye, Sandy.

-Charlie, please. -No, I have to go, all right?

I have a van full of dogs parked out front,

and I actually can't remember if I rolled the windows down or not.

Good luck with your life, Sandy.

Sorry, I'm sorry. Excuse me, everyone.

Look, we weren't planning on making any speeches,

but I just need to say a few words

about my beautiful, amazing wife-to-be, Isla Gordon.

You know, uh, in Yiddish, there is a term that's called beshert.

Translated into English, it means inevitable.

It's the belief that somewhere out there is a preordained, inevitable person.

A soulmate.

Now, when I was growing up in a little cul-de-sac,

riding my bike to shul in Scarsdale, New York,

did I think that my beshert would be a smoking-hot blonde shiksa

from Brentwood?

I… I did not.

But I couldn't be happier.

And the shiksa thing is about to change, by the way.

Don't worry, Ma.

Isla Gordon…

I cannot wait to marry you.

To spend the rest of our lives together.

Morning, noon, night.

Getting old and wrinkly and way, way too tan.

Because that's what marriage is.

No matter the ups and downs,

at the end of the day, I know that I get to come home

and have dinner with you every single night.

Forever.

To my inevitable. My soulmate.

My beshert.

Mmm.

Isla Gordon-Levenson.

- Aw! - Cheers.

My turn. Um…

I am terrible at speeches, so I'm just gonna say… ditto.

And I just, you know, I love you, bud.

Um…

Can't wait to do all the things that you just said.

-Cheers. -All right.

- Mazel tov. - Mazel tov.

Hey, are you okay? You got really pale and sweaty all of a sudden.

No, no, I just need to get some air. I'll be right back.

Okay, all right.

Sometimes in life you just have to vomit,

and you don't even know why.

Hey, you okay over there?

Who the hell was that?

Jay Brown. Right on time, as always.

Just a boot and rally. I'm gonna head back.

Why don't we, uh… Why don't we take a breather?

Yeah?

Come on.

So, uh, what's going on?

Oh, hey, come on. Let's do a TikTok 'cause my hair is pumping.

You told Charlie that I'd be here?

Oh. Well, yeah, but that was, like, an accident.

You had no right to talk to him.

What are you mad at me for? I'm the one that should be mad, okay?

You had a boyfriend for a year and didn't even tell us.

You know I need people for my game nights.

I didn't introduce you because I knew how you guys would react.

Do you think Charlie the dog groomer meets the Gordon standard?

He doesn't have family money like Bituin or an impressive job like Lev.

He's a schlubby guy who wears Kirkland jeans.

-So what? -So what?

Do you remember when Isla gained her Freshman 15?

You and Cam made fun of her so much she developed an eating disorder.

Yeah. We called her Island Gordon because she got so big, she was…

like an island.

Wasn't cool, okay? But it was a different time.

So do you think I'd be comfortable introducing somebody like Charlie

to this firing squad?

Exactly, dick!

It's not that I'm scared of converting.

I'm not even scared of losing my inheritance.

It's just when Lev was up there talking about growing old together,

I realized that when he says forever, he means forever.

Yeah, I mean, that's… that's pretty much the deal.

It's so permanent.

Maybe my dad didn't want all his marriages to fail.

Maybe he just couldn't handle the idea of…

eating dinner with the same person every night.

Look, I, uh… I'm probably not the guy who should be doling out marriage advice

as I just did a child handoff in a Chipotle parking lot,

but it's perfectly normal to be scared.

I mean, this thing could end up being a huge, ugly, painful mistake.

Is this the kind of pep talk you give the guys at halftime?

-Is this why we're three games under 500? -Yeah, I… I said, "It could be."

-Mmm. -Or not. It's a leap of faith.

But it's a leap of faith that you're in control of.

So, this? I mean, come on. You got this.

That's exactly what I'm talking about!

Oh, okay, so you got me, all right?

Sorry my brain and eyeballs like looking at sexy people with hot bodies.

But guess what? You are just as vain and judgmental as the rest of us.

No, I'm not.

You just said you hid your boyfriend from us because you're embarrassed!

Just stay out of my business, okay?

You meddle in my personal life. You undermine me at work.

Undermine you at work?

Yes! Like with Jackie and the red dragon lady.

Her name is Red Panda!

That's probably not her real name, but that's what she goes by.

And Jackie was right. She was a hit.

Not the point. I told him no,

and then you went behind my back, and you let him do it.

You've given him more attention in two months

than you have me my entire life.

Well, maybe that's because he's more lovable than you are.

I am lovable, you asshole!

Okay, then let's ask Charlie. Hey, Charlie… You know what?

-He's not here. -Fuck you.

-Oh. -Hey!

Nobody shoves Ness, as much as we may want to!

No, hold on, babe. I got this. Do me a favor. Fuck you, okay?

Stop it right now. Stop it!

-Stop it. Hey. -Fuck.

- No! - Doggone--

Don't you… Fucking--

- Get off. - Stop it!

Ow! Ow!

Grab me! Grab me!

My extension, you idiot.

I told you to stop it!

Ow!

We should call 911. Call 911.

Oh, for God's sake, she's gonna kill him.

Goddamn…

Hey, enough.

Get her away.

Isla! Isla!

Easy!

Isla.

Isla, what the hell happened?

- Please just help me out. - Get off of me!

-You okay? -Oh, thanks.

I'm sorry I ruined our engagement party.

No, stop. It wasn't you.

It was more your whole family.

Look, I want to say something.

I love that you're trying to make this work,

but I don't want to force you to do something that you clearly don't want to.

No, it wasn't that. I just got overwhelmed when you were giving your speech.

I could see that. And that's why I don't want you to go through with this.

Wait…

Are you serious?

Yeah. Look, I was watching you tonight, and I realized you were converting for me,

not for yourself, and I don't…

Oh, right. That. No, Lev.

I'm willing to do it. I want to.

I know you do, and I appreciate it. I do.

But I don't want to start our marriage dictating how you live

based on what I believe or what my parents believe.

I'm sorry, I cut you off.

Your turn.

I'm sorry I freaked out.

I'm just a little concerned that

I'll perpetuate every bad habit of my fucked-up family.

Is your family fucked up?

I… I… I don't know.

I couldn't tell by the battle royale that took place in the hotel pool.

Are you sure about this?

Yes, I'm sure. As long as we're together.

-As far as our kids… -Oh no, they can be totally Jewish.

Thank you 'cause it would be a whole thing with my parents.

Th-- They're nuts too.

Plus, it's great, 'cause then I can keep my inheritance.

What do you mean?

Yeah, it turns out my dad made it so that if any of his kids converted,

we lose stake in the family trust.

-Wow. That is, uh… That's intense. -Mm-hmm.

That's like Henry Ford-level bigotry.

He did always drive Fords.

I love you.

I love you too. My beshert.

Oh, that was good.

Yeah. Hey, uh, sis.

Bituin has brought it to my attention that we may have ruined the party.

Yeah, we're sincerely sorry about… everything.

Law Roach will be in contact with you about dry-cleaning fees,

and I will need a bundle of hair extensions.

You okay?

I think so.

Dad really did a number on us.

Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just let it out.

My… my boyfriend dumped me tonight.

- Son of a bitch. - You had a boyfriend?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I was so worried about you guys ruining it that I ended up ruining it.

-Oh! -Oh no.

Oh, you're gonna… you're gonna be all right.

- Yeah. - You're… you're such a catch, Sandy.

You're… you're a… homeowner.

- That's not a very good compliment. - Yeah.

And, uh, you've got a nice little rig.

Huh? A tight butt. Little lean machine.

-Thank you. I like that one. -Yeah.

- Hey, what's up? - Hey.

Sorry, dude. This is your family now.

Just a bunch of violent, dysfunctional heathens

who can't help make a mess in public.

I… I love it.

I was an only child, so this is fun.

Uh, by the way, congrats on, uh… on Panda Lady.

Thank you, Sandy.

And I'm, uh… I'm sorry that we called you Island Gordon.

-Honestly, thank you. -Yeah.

Yo, let's get a selfie.

-Oh yeah. -Is this our first picture?

Yeah! The first of many.

Nice. I wish we had done it earlier. My hair was a little better.

♪ And times we have together… ♪

Hey, asshole. I hope you're proud of yourself for dishonoring Celia Cruz.

Celia Cruz?

She was a very important Cuban singer.

I… I know who Celia Cruz is. She was a very important Cuban singer.

Mm-hmm. Yesterday was her birthday, and I had this entire routine planned

to celebrate her life, and your little unicycle lady stole all our smoke.

I'm really sorry. I didn't know.

Uh, can't you do it at a halftime show next game?

That's not how birthdays work, pinche culero.

You're a snake.

I'm watching you.

♪ Yes, it's so easy ♪

♪ To say no ♪