Original subtitles

Okay. Okay.

No, and what do you want to do?

Ah,

there's my yellow rose of taxes.

What's the matter with you? IRS got your tongue?

Now, what has gotten into you? It is tax time. I know what time it is, and who

are you, and what have you done to my husband?

No, the Cliff I know at text time is grumbling around this house, barking at

furniture. Why aren't you deductible?

I don't remember my behavior being that bad.

Need I bring out the letters that have been written to various presidents

throughout the years?

Yes, there were times, but that is the past. I am now a new person. So does

mean that I will have your full cooperation this year? You're going to

the receipts and let me take them to the accountant, and the accountant and I

will work this thing out?

The receipts, and you shall go forth.

This is a new attitude.

I'm going to go get my pencil. Get it.

And I'm going to meet you and your new attitude in the dining room. Okay.

All right with me.

Enter!

Kenny, my main man.

No time for chit -chats, sir.

Personal crisis.

Romantic variety.

Anything I can do? You can point me to a Rudy.

Oh, okay.

Rudy! Oh, hi, Stanley.

We need to talk.

Kenny, is there no one else who would talk to you?

Where is your alleged girlfriend?

Stanley, I find it fascinating that you're obsessed with my personal life.

Almost as if you didn't have one of your own.

Stanley, could you go get us some juice, please?

Okay.

Oh, I like some shaved ice in mine.

you a drink.

So what can I do for you, friend?

It's Deirdre.

I'm in big trouble.

What happened?

You see, yesterday was Deirdre's birthday, and I bought her a special

I even wrapped it myself.

What'd you get her?

Tube socks.

Tube socks?

That's not very romantic.

But they are practical.

One size fits all.

I brought them to school yesterday and was about to give them to Deirdre when I

overheard Deirdre talking to Debbie Costa.

And Debbie Costa asked her what she got for her birthday.

She said, well, my grandmother sent me socks again.

Oh, not a good sign.

Well, there I was holding this grandma gift.

So I did what any man would do.

I lied.

I told her that I was giving her a party tonight here.

But you know, my brother, I don't think you make much of a host walking around

in that flannel robe.

He still has that robe?

Yeah.

Now, please, can you help me?

All right, but you got to talk to my father first.

Okay. He'll understand an affair of the heart.

Hello, Dr.

Huxtable. Hey, boy, I'm having a good day now.

What do you want, Ken?

Well, you know how you told me that if there's anything you can do to help me

with my love life?

No, I said, anything I can do?

That's just it, sir. And you can.

I was wondering if I could use your backyard for a little reception tonight.

A reception?

You and Deidre getting married?

Would that we could, sir.

But I was just wondering if I could use it to give her a birthday party.

What kind of party?

Just the four of us.

It won't cost much, Dad.

It won't cost much, Dad.

I will pay for it, sir. I'll even work it off.

I think that Mrs.

Huxtable and I can absorb the cost of some cookies and some chips.

I think it'll be okay because I'm expecting a big tax refund soon.

That'll be just fine, kid. Make it on me. Thank you, sir. All right?

Yes, sir.

There goes a prince among men.

He's pushing it.

Okay. All right, now.

Now, here. Now, wait. Just, just, just. Let me just say.

You know.

All you have to do is give me the receipt, and I will take them to the

accountant, and we will take care of everything.

Well, we will start with our first defendant.

Dependent. No, defendant.

I'm saying defendant.

And I defend the right to write off Sandra Alvin and the two

children.

and a medical expense.

Now, there.

Those are the receipts. As a charitable expense?

Charitable expense.

They eat, they sleep, they borrow, and then they don't pay back.

Sandra, Elvin, and the little dwarfs.

Sandra and Elvin are adults who are earning their own wages.

Now, what is this medical expense?

The medical expense is mainly because they have taken at least a year off of

life.

Let's move on. Okay.

Now, next.

Aha! A perfect one I have here. Under 18.

Olivia. Absolutely no income of her own. That's a definite put it down, put it

down. There you go.

That's the best defendant we have.

The accountant has told me that Martin and Denise are claiming Olivia.

How?

He's out there on a boat somewhere with a little cute uniform running around

saying, aye, aye, sir.

He is defending his country, dear.

Big deal.

Look at this stack of stuff that we spent. This man did not come home. when

was time to take the child out on one of these field trips and go to the museum,

little children. I want to go to the bathroom. He didn't have to do that.

Let's move on, dear.

Okay, next is Cousin Pam.

Well, I spoke to her mother today.

Yes. And she said that we could claim her as a dependent.

Thank you. But I didn't feel good about that.

Now, why didn't you feel good about it? Because Pam is her daughter, dear.

But by what definition is she the daughter?

This is a chance for us to write off somebody. Oh, sweetheart, let's move on.

Okay.

All right.

Vanessa and Theo.

Yes. Huh? We do have Vanessa and Theo. You better believe it. And look at all

this. Vanessa.

And Theo.

Vanessa's in college. She's our dependent.

Theo, my boy, I can write him off forever, man. Just in

cereal alone, we're going to get back $18 ,000.

Put that down.

I got receipts for all of that. Now. You have receipts for $18 ,000 in cereal.

You better believe it. And guess what else I did?

I didn't put the coupons, you know, that we cut out to buy the bread to get

eight and ten cents off.

I left them out.

I don't get it, Rudy.

How many times are we going to have to bail out Mr.

Slick? Stanley, everybody needs friends, and Kenny is mine.

Besides, he really likes Deidre, and I want to see him happy.

There's something I should probably tell you.

It's about our guest of honor, Deidre.

What's that?

Well, yesterday at school, Deidre came up to me and said, see, you have to

at Rudy's tomorrow night.

And I said, what party?

And he said, oh, it's okay. It's not a surprise.

Kenny already told me all about it.

And I said, well, it's a surprise to me because there's no party.

I know.

That means that Deidre knows that Kenny was lying and this whole thing is last

minute.

It does, doesn't it?

Why didn't you tell Kenny this before?

I hope it doesn't ruin the evening.

Oh, Deidre, happy birthday.

Sell it somewhere else, Kenny.

I was just over at your house. This guy in a robe and a baseball cap told me I

could find you here. That's not my brother.

story, Kenny. How about the one about the birthday party that none of my

are invited to?

Oh, they're the party.

It's just an intimate one.

Well, how long have you been planning this intimate party?

You mean in my head or in my heart?

Forget it, Kenny. From the moment I met you, all you've been doing is making up

stories and excuses to get out of trouble. Well, you can't live your life

way, Kenny, and neither can I.

This is simply unacceptable.

Goodbye. Forever.

But Deidre, There's an orchestra coming.

Kenny, get some help.

Oh, Kenny, Kenny, Kenny.

The balloons are up and the party's coming together.

What party?

The love of my life is gone.

Forever. What happened?

She saw right through my desperate party plan.

Like she was psychic.

Kenny, why don't you go talk to her? I can't. She said it was forever.

I can talk to her.

She wouldn't believe you. You're my friend.

Stanley can talk to her.

Who?

Come on, you guys. Look at it this way.

Stanley thinks you're a creep.

things about you deirdre would have to believe him that's if stanley says nice

things about you no forget it it's just the three of us again forever

i'll be at deirdre's

I'm almost finished. Maybe you'd like to go in the living room and just relax a

little bit. No, we can't. No, we can't. Check it out.

Bam.

I got it.

The Patriot's Guide to Tax Paying. I got it. Pepper.

Now. Where did you get this? I got it down at Carlton's Bookstore, and it was

the last one. Now, look at it. Read about it. First of all, it's written by

Paxton Piedmont, formerly with the IRS before he was drummed out.

for giving too many tax tips to the American taxpayer.

I'm going to read that whole book.

Listen, I've already been skimming through it, and I've got some passages

for you. Now, look at this.

If you work for the government and are disabled because of a

terrorist attack, you don't have to pay taxes.

But you don't work for the government, dear.

And you are not disabled.

Just answer me this now.

Has or has not this house been under siege?

Now, that's a good point. Now, now, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Here's

one. If our trees are destroyed by southern pine

beetles, that's deductible.

don't live in the south bugs can migrate now didn't you

have some people up here from virginia they they came up here they could have

carried the little critters on their clothes and they could have jumped up

they could have just there could have been a blight all in the backyard gone

stuff gone i'm telling you this this book is on the money don't try

over my shoulder.

Yes. He says here, this is a delectable tax deduction.

Your office.

That is not deductible.

If the occupant, me, has another office where she performs most of her work, a

home office is not deductible.

And furthermore...

Since we did add that room on and increase the value of the home, our

taxes are going up.

That's not funny.

Let me ask you a question.

Are we in this together or what?

We are in this together, but you know what? I think I would do better if I

in this room by myself right now.

I could collect these receipts like we have to do every year this time and take

them to the accountant. And between the accountant and I, we could figure this

thing out.

We could write off this book.

This is the Uptown String Quartet. Hi, I'm Diane.

I'm Lisa. I'm Eileen.

And I'm Aunt Myrna.

My nephew asked us to rehearse here tonight.

Okay. Well, he didn't tell me anything about the Uptown String Quartet. Kenny?

Huh? Listen, you all go ahead. Don't let me stop. Enjoy yourselves.

Okay. All right.

Matthew, for a moment, please.

Oh, excuse me.

Where's Deidre?

She's in the living room.

What did she say?

I talked to her, and she says before she sees you again, you must promise three

things.

Well, name them.

Okay. Number one,

you agree to be completely honest with Deidre.

Done. Number two, you must promise to think of others before you think of

yourself.

Done.

And number three, you must spend the next six Saturdays taking boyfriend

from Stanley's School of Charm.

Oh, come on, that's not on there. Oh, but it is.

Oh, and Kenny?

I want to help you so much. Don't come near me, Stanley.

Well, Deidre's in the living room. All you have to do is sign right here.

Now I know I love her.

School starts next Saturday.

Hope you graduate.

Hi, Deidre.

Hello, Kenny.

I got your note.

And I signed it.

I would have taken your word for it, but I wanted you to know how serious I was

about this.

I understand that.

I deserve it.

You know, Kenny, one of the reasons I like you is that you have a great

imagination.

I always admired the stories you wrote in English class.

I just never thought I'd be the twist in one of your plots.

Well, I didn't mean for it to happen.

I didn't mean to ruin your birthday.

I'm sorry.

But I just got you the wrong present, and I panicked.

Kenny, it's okay to panic. It's when you try to cover it up is when you get in

trouble.

You're right.

Why don't we just start over and see how it goes?

Good idea.

Look, I know this is the last minute party, but I'd be honored if you'd come.

Okay, Kenny.

Thank you, Kenny.

May I have this dance?

Certainly.

Rudy?