Original subtitles

I don't want to go in yet. I don't want to.

This weekend was lovely, Chris.

Vermont is so beautiful.

And I've never seen you frolic in the woods that way.

T 'was not the words that brought the frolic out of me.

And how hath I inspired thou thus, my liege?

Details, oh, details.

Thou hast a beauty of lips and a body so firm

that it raises the very potency of myself.

five children.

You would have to bring that up.

But not for long.

Before we go inside.

Oh, Cliff, would that this day might never end.

Carry on.

Bring the leaves of life with you.

Hey, Dad. Hey, Mom.

Well, hello, Theo.

Son, why are you robbing us?

No, I'm not robbing you. I'm borrowing this from my apartment.

You said I could.

When? Last week.

Remember, I told you the light in my bedroom was bad, so you told me I should

something about it.

That didn't mean go upstairs and steal my lamp.

It meant for you to go get a brighter bulb. That's all you had to do.

this house bone dry.

Hey, Mom, I am not picking.

I'm exchanging. I brought the blue light back for this one. You brought nothing

back. Vanessa took the blue light for her dorm room.

No, no, she didn't, dear. She took the gooseneck lamp. I know because she

brought back the toaster oven and the electric blanket.

No, honey, you see, Sandra had a toaster oven. Vanessa had the blanket and the

card table. No, dear.

Sandra had the card table. I know because I bought it back from her last

when she had a garage sale.

So, can I have the lamp?

Well, just how did you think you were going to get that thing to your

Well, can I borrow the station wagon, too?

Vanessa has the station wagon, Theo. She took it to the library.

Well, I'm not in a rush.

I'm going to go in the kitchen and make a sandwich. Want something?

No, thank you. All right. Help yourself.

Hi,

Mom!

Oh, Rudy, hello.

Hi, Dad.

How you doing?

All right. Oh, calm. Sit down. Hi, Mom. Did you have fun?

Well, yeah, I did. Right here.

Thank you. I just need your signature right here on this permission plate.

sports. Can I join? What is it for?

Figure skating.

How much is it for?

You get everything.

You get your skate, you get your lessons two times a week, the rental of the

rink, plus you get a very neat skirt.

For?

$200. Please, please, just let me do this. If you don't let me, I'll be the

one in my class that does it.

Don't you know any free sports at that school?

have to have this in by tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

I see. Okay, so it has to be in tomorrow so you wouldn't give us much time to

think about it today, huh? Well, I guess I forgot.

Well, we're not going to be rushed into anything because you forgot.

That look doesn't mean anything to me.

Tahiti, please.

Thank you, please. Thank you. Yes, yes. I love you so much.

Excuse me.

Didn't mean to interrupt, but do you guys need this hose?

No, no, no. You go ahead and take that. Your mother and I can spit on our

plants.

Sounds like the washing machine.

That machine is brand new.

Mom,

all the tables took one load of laundry in here.

Oh, no, my pants.

Oh, look at this.

I can't wear these anymore, Mom. Who cares about your pants? What about my

machine?

What is this?

Broken crayon.

the basement.

It's me.

Oh, Mr. Ghost, how are you?

What are you doing down here?

I've come to eat up some little children.

You know I love to eat up little children.

Well, help yourself. I don't think any are down here, Mr. Ghost.

in the washing machine? Are they yours?

They used to be, but the machine wrecked them.

And lady, you know you're not supposed to touch any machines. And why? Why were

you washing these crayons?

Because they were dirty and the lady said they were washable.

Livia, she meant that you could wash them off walls.

Sorry, this won't happen again.

And don't worry about the cost of repairs. Martin and I will pay for the

thing.

And you, young lady, you're going to come upstairs. We're going to have a

long talk. Come on.

You talk, I'll... Yes.

you look like Vermont?

So we can remember our... You know, the last time you put the leaves in my hair,

what happened?

Yes, I know.

Well, what you waiting for?

Hi.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Hello, Vanessa. So how was Vermont?

It was lovely.

Yes. Had a good time?

Yes, we did. Sure did, thank you.

How was everything at the library?

I've finished all my studying.

Okay, well, give me the keys to the car.

Why?

Because it's my car.

Now, where did you park? Out front?

Yeah. I just have to go get something out of my glove compartment. Oh, well,

Dad, let me do that for you. I don't want the neighbors to see you looking

the forest.

You should get away more often. You look so relaxed.

Well, thank you, Vanessa.

I mean it, Mom. You've earned it. Working so hard for us all these years.

believe me, I know it hasn't been easy.

I just want to tell you how much I appreciate it.

Vanessa?

What did you do?

Dad, I was making a right turn. I signaled. I had both hands on the wheel.

what?

So then all of a sudden, the back of this car just hits me.

So the guy backed into you while you were making the turn?

Well, no, no. He wasn't backing up.

Well, what was he doing?

He was getting his prescription in a drugstore.

So there was no...

One in the car.

No, Dad, there was no one in the car, but I thought it was moving.

So what happened was you were negotiating a right turn and you hit a

Isn't that what happened? Why didn't you just say that to me, dear?

Doesn't anyone care if I'm all right or not?

You know what we're going to do? When Rudy gets her driver's license, you and

are going to go down to the salvage dump.

We're going to pick out the worst bash -smash looking thing that still runs,

we're going to let her drive it. That way, if anybody hits her, it'll be an

improvement.

I know how you feel, Dad.

Boy.

No, you don't. Hey, I can appreciate the pressures both of you are under, and if

you ask me, I think y 'all doing a bang -up job.

Well, shut up.

Mom, you don't give us enough credit for understanding you.

When have you understood us?

And what have you understood?

You, who are beyond understanding yourself. I don't understand you. How

you possibly understand me?

See? See what I mean?

Let me ask you a question, man. Suppose your father and your daughter runs into

the back of a car and does not tell you. Well, Dad, first of all, it's not like

she drove around looking for an accident.

Now, had it been me...

I would try to be understanding and not make a big deal out of it. But she never

told me. She let me go outside to find this.

Hoping what? That perhaps I would go crazy and say, even though I haven't

in the car, I must direct it.

We're having a hypothetical reality debate on understanding parents.

Let me ask you a question.

Suppose your daughter came to you and said, I want to take ice skating

please. And maybe I can go to the Olympics, please. All right. Would you

the permission slip?

Yeah, I would sign it. What's wrong with that? Oh, nothing wrong with it, except

you become more involved than the child.

You and the child and the mother and we go out and we watch the little wobbly

legs and she skates and she falls and we go, oh my goodness, I hope she makes

it. And then as we get caught up in the whole thing, one day she says, I don't

want to skate anymore.

See, that's the problem with girls. They're so demanding.

What?

Do you recall yourself in Little League?

Yeah, and I loved every minute of it. Oh, you loved every minute of it.

Well, my boy, first of all, your mother and I, we went out and we paid for the

whole uniform, bought you spikes, and you had named spikes because it was $55.

You went out and you practiced.

We watched the ball hit you in the face.

Watched the ball hit you in the back.

A couple of times we watched you say, as the ball went past you, hey, what's the

big deal?

And finally, the big game. And we watched the game. The final score was 75

98.

And between the two teams, there was three hits.

672 errors.

542 walks.

Three kids were beamed.

And we had to wait two hours for one kid to stop crying.

The game... was busted open by a Grand Slam bunt.

So it took a little time. What's the big deal?

Right. No big deal. Now there's the key. You guys always say things like no

big deal. Some of the greatest lies ever told by your kids. No big deal.

I forgot.

I'll pay you back later.

It was like that when I found it. I swear, Mom, Dad, it was like that when I

found it.

Mom, Dad, I just want to say that I'm really sorry.

Please add that to the list. I'm really sorry.

Yes, and the other one that's key. What are you doing home so early?

What's going on?

Complaining about being parents.

Again?

How about getting in the car to go to work and discovering that your

understanding of the word empty means I'll just park the car over here and Mom

will fill it up? How about leaving the car radio on so that both of us have a

heart attack?

You left the thing up so loud, your mother's hair went straight up.

You guys act like you don't do some bad things to us. I would like to know what

we ever asked you to do, except hang up your clothes before they take root.

Oh, that's it.

They're being paid to look after you all. And there's not a check big enough

take care of you.

Here we go. Here we go now.

Watch my back.

Beth, you're five years old. And your parents have taught you that song under

the boardwalk.

And your parents think you sing that song so beautifully, they want you to

it every time company comes over. Yes.

Yes. Now, let me ask you this.

How do you tell your parents?

That you hate singing in front of a group of old, smiling people.

And that you hate that song under the boardwalk.

You open your mouth and say it. No, I tried that. Remember?

I said, Dad, I don't like singing this song. He said, Don't worry, son. Listen,

my son sings and he dances, too. Go ahead, son. Go ahead, boy.

You don't know how cute you were when we met. Oh, God, I don't believe it. You

make me sing Easter Parade.

Please, don't sing Easter Parade.

Dad. Huh?

How about you have a date with a guy that you really, really like?

Go ahead, tell him, Denise, tell him. He comes to pick you up, and your father

insists on meeting him.

So what does he do? He takes the guy into the kitchen.

Have a little talk.

Yeah, have a little talk with your forefather. it buck nice you took jeremy

into that kitchen took two apples put them on top of each other said that was

took one of the apples skinned it and said that was him i haven't heard from

and when you went out with him he didn't put his hands on you did he

dad i have got the ultimate one what about

we've come to find out are not true.

From who?

You gonna believe a man that age?

How come every single time one of us ever came to you for money, you started

talking about this story?

You know, when I was seven years old, I used to have to wake up at 4 .30 every

morning. Without an alarm clock. Couldn't afford an alarm clock. Had to

by myself. Had to get out and deliver newspapers.

But wait.

You always have to brush your teeth first. Had to brush my teeth.

Oh, yeah. Didn't have the money for a toothbrush, so I had to get a... It

some bark, I believe it was. No, it was a sassafras root.

Yeah, it was a sassafras. So I had no running water, so we had to go out and

a handful of snow.

I believe that it was winter 365 days of the year. And every day the snow...

I had no bucket.

Or I didn't have any shoes either. Well, I had to just squirt the milk in the

palm of my hand.

And I had to hop three miles through the house. With no shoes. Hopped on one

foot to keep the other foot warm.

And I ended up hopping from house to house.

Only made about, what, seven cents a month, I believe? I gave five.

I left two sins to myself, and that's how I bought my first car.

I'm sorry, but you

do tell those stories.

Well,

at least I can drive.

something that you were not supposed to do. You're not supposed to touch the

machines. I'm sorry.

I'll pay for it.

The machine cost about two skillion dollars.

That's a lot of money.

And then another three skillion to have it repaired.

How much money do you get a week for allowance?