Original subtitles

I want you to see our baby.

Denise has been up all night long finishing up that political science

child is exhausted.

Thank God.

The Huxtable study genes have kicked in.

There's no stopping her now.

Well, she's going to stop for something. That girl is hungry. So I'm preparing

this breakfast for her. No, no, no. Don't give her breakfast. If you want

finish that paper, don't give her any breakfast.

Why not?

Because, dear, let me explain physiology to you. If she eats those pancakes,

they go dead to the stomach.

Thud.

All of a sudden, the blood cells hear that sound.

And they say, what was that?

Say, I know a thud when I hear one.

They say, that's a party thud. There's a party going on. Come on. on, everybody.

There's a party going on in the stomach, and all the blood cells, they leave the

brain, they run down to the stomach, and then the stomach's up and around, and

the enzymes are popping, and everybody's cooking, and they're partying in the

brain. What is going on out here?

This is a crazy world of everybody's partying, and I'm going to take a nap.

And you fall asleep, and that's the end of the paper.

A party in the stomach.

Yes. I'm a doctor.

Trust me.

It's Jim Hartman. Don't let him in. He's the enemy.

Good morning, Fred.

It's a pleasure to see you this morning.

Oh. Please don't kiss my wife. Hey.

Dr. Hartman, what a pleasant surprise. Would you like some breakfast, sir? Some

pancakes, coffee juice, anything? No, no, no. He doesn't want anything. No

coffee, nothing.

Come in here and kiss my wife. What do you want, Harmon?

I just had to get a last look at a loser before the auction today.

Auction? What auction, Your Honor? The jazz auction for the United Negro

Fund. My wife and I just signed four checks, tuition to college. We happen to

the United Negro College Fund.

And besides, my jazz collection is so tight, Harmon, I don't need another

Including Charlie Parker's Night in Tunisia.

Original, one -of -a -kind acetate. And haven't you heard about it, Harmon?

Haven't you heard that it's flawed?

That it has a scratch in it so deep that a dog could sleep in it?

Knowledgeable jazz people know these things. Am I right, Claire?

Claire, would you tell him that knowledgeable jazz people know there is

because... knowledgeable, jazz people examine the goods at the preview on

Tuesday.

Knowledgeable, jazz people examine the goods at the preview on Tuesday.

I know you're just dying to get your hands on Night in Tunisia, Oxable. I can

see it in your eyes.

Yes, and I'm going to get it too, Dr. Harmon.

Why are you two so pitiful? Why can't you just share the record?

That record is going to be mine and only mine.

So nice to see you again, Claire.

Come

in

here kissing my wife.

And my wife looking like she's enjoying it.

Because that record belongs to me. It has my name on it.

And what makes you so sure?

First of all, I beat him out the last time there was an auction. I won the

Machito album off of him.

And mainly because I sat there and I gave him the Huxtable Don't Mess With Me

look.

Well, suppose the Huxtable Don't Mess With Me look doesn't work.

Just in case, I also add to it the Huxtable...

Voice of doom.

That's your voice of doom? That's the voice of doom, and you only got 6 %

because this house is not zoned for all of you.

Hey, what's up? Hey.

What's that?

Holly's side paper.

You know, I'm really impressed with the way you're focusing on school.

Oh, thanks, but I am so stressed out.

Ah, well, look, there are some things I learned in my Asian Studies course that

can help you deal with stress.

Yeah, thanks.

But I don't have time for Asian studies. I really have to concentrate.

Oh, okay. Well, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.

Okay.

But, you know, in Burma, the people have a way of dealing with pressure.

They've learned you have to flow with life, not force it. Uh -huh.

Burmese rice farmers, for example, they adjust their lives to the Irrawaddy

River and irrigate their fields when the river lets them.

Your paper will be done when it lets you, Denise.

No. Become the Irrawaddy.

Theo, this is not Burma, okay? This is Brooklyn, and my paper is due at 11.

I'm sorry. I was just trying to help you workflow.

Why don't you flow on in the kitchen here?

Hey, Mom.

Hi, Theo. Have some pancakes.

Oh, well, I just ate breakfast, but if you insist, sure.

how you do it, man. I don't know how you do it. You live all the way down in the

village and somehow you know you can sense exactly when food is going to hit

table.

Do you have radar like a bat?

Hey, I'm done. All right.

All right. Denise, I knew you could do it. Here, sweetheart, have some

Thank you. All I have to do is my table of contents and footnotes. No, no,

that's it. Do the footnotes, table of contents, then you eat.

Well, I can't finish the footnotes anyways. I've got to take Olivia to

All right, wait a minute. I'll take Olivia to school.

Pardon me, aren't you supposed to have shoes on when you rock and roll?

Oh, yeah.

Okay. Wait, Dad, it's okay. I'll just turn in my paper a little late.

Nonsense.

Well, I didn't mean for Dad to have to do that.

Hey, Denise, you better go footnote. I'll help you with these.

What are you going to buy at the auction? I am going to buy a jazz

called Night in Tunisia, recorded by some very famous musicians.

What's jazz?

Do you have a favorite song?

What's your favorite song?

Pop Goes the Weasel. Okay, you go ahead. You sang Pop Goes the Weasel. Sing it.

All around the mobile, the monkey chased the weasel. The monkey said, it's all

in fun, Pop Goes the Weasel. Okay, now, did you take that song?

What you did just naturally was you put some jazz in it when you went... That

was it. So now let me show you. I would say...

Oh, I'm so happy to meet you. You must be so proud.

Denise is one of our most responsible, dedicated parents.

Good student, too. She was up all night working on a paper. That's why I had to

bring Olivia. She'll pick her up this afternoon.

Oh, dear.

And Denise must have forgotten.

It's her turn to be help mom for the day.

One of you has to eat.

You see, volunteers make it possible for us to work with a small staff, and

they're a vital part of the parent -child bonding process.

Well, can't somebody from the carpool do the bonding?

I'm sorry, it's Denise's turn.

And if she can't come down, you have to take her place.

I don't think you understand. See, I have to go to an auction today of a very

famous jazz record. It's called Night in Tunisia, performed by a very important

musician by the name of Charlie Parker.

Night in Tunisia, Bird at his Best, Dizzy Gillespie on trumpet, Max Roach on

drums. So you know.

No. I was president of the jazz club at Bryn Mawr.

Of course, there were only six of us.

The hip six.

This is a one -of -a -kind acetate.

Oh, my.

So you do understand.

I do.

Good.

And I wish I could help you.

Don't move.

Hello?

Oh, it's just a moment.

It's your daughter, Denise.

Yeah. Dad!

Hi, I am so sorry. I completely forgot. I was supposed to be a help mom today. I

can be there right away.

Did you finish your paper, honey? No, but don't worry about that. Come on, I

can't leave you stuck with my responsibilities.

I want you to finish the paper. I'll be okay.

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

Thanks, Dad. I owe you one.

Please, don't start counting now.

Is Denise coming down?

No, she's not coming down. But here's what I was thinking. Look, why don't...

See, these children are indoors all the time. Look at the coloring on them. They

need to get out.

And we'll take a field trip, and we will go to an auction.

That way, they can learn something... I can see where Denise gets her sense of

humor.

Excuse me.

Oh, if you need... I will be in a meeting with parents in my office.

Will you be all right, Dr. Huxley? Hey, I got my apron.

I got crackers, cookies.

Life is good.

Okay.

Jonathan, would you like a cracker or a cookie?

I want a cupcake.

Jonathan, you can either have a cracker or a cookie. We don't have cupcakes.

Work with me, Jonathan.

I have either a cookie or a crack. Why don't you

all finish coloring in everything there or call your broker.

Let's call his broker.

Hello, jazz auction.

What time will you be auctioning night in Tunisia?

Oh, I'd say that should be on the black, oh, about a half an hour from now.

Okay, I have a slight problem. Now, is there a way you could back that up?

Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't do that. But we do accept phone bids. If you'd care

to leave your number, I'll call you when the bidding starts. Okay, I'm at 555

-4265.

And the name again? And the name is Huxtable, Doctor, and I will give you my

credit card number and everything.

Very good, sir. Thank you.

Hey,

see you later, Nadish.

Yes! Ah!

Ah, you finished the paper.

Theo, I am talking about 24 pages, okay? Table of... Content, index, and my

footnote. All right.

You know, brother, all I have to do is press the print button, and you'll have

the honor of being the first to read Passive Resistance from Gandhi to King.

Well, I'd love to. Okay.

Oh, no.

What? Oh, no.

My paper is gone.

What? My polysliced paper is gone. Wait, wait, wait. Denise, take it easy. Take

it easy? I just pressed the flunk button you told me to.

I am dead. I am dead. I am dead. I am dead.

Relax, take a breath. Denise, Denise, come on, come on. Close your eyes.

Think of a river.

Denise,

come on, come on. Close your eyes. Take a breath. Flow.

I don't hear you flowing, Denise. I'm flowing. I am flowing. Okay, okay. Now

up. Take a breath.

Put your fingers on the keyboard and flow till you come to the last key you

Okay.

Okay.

I pressed arrow and then I hit print.

Now look at your fingers.

Well, maybe I hit the wrong button by accident.

Try pressing escape.

Now press recall.

Mahatma Gandhi's campaign of peaceful resistance... You

might

want to put another eye on that gorilla, son.

Oh, all right.

Everybody, just call your broker.

Hello?

Dr. Huxtable, please.

This is Dr.

Huxtable. Dr. Huxtable, this is the auction house. We're just finishing lot

number 64. Your lot is coming up next.

Okay. Just one second, please. All right, everybody, take a map.

Number 65, the Charlie Parker recording of Night in Tunisia.

We start the bidding at $100.

$100. I have $100 down in front.

$125. We're at $125, sir. Now, is there a fellow there with a corduroy jacket

and a beard that looks like he should be birdwatching?

There sure is.

$150. He just bid $150.

He is the enemy. Do you understand me?

Now, I want you to give him the Huxtable Stare.

Huh?

to fix your face in a way. I want your eyes to be narrowed.

I want your lips close to your teeth.

I want you to have a look like you would eat him.

200 to you, sir. All right. I want you... I want you to stare at him.

Stare him down.

And say... And say... 225!

225!

I have 225 on the phone.

225 on the phone. Who give me more?

250.

275. The enemy just beat 275, sir.

Three hundred.

Three hundred.

I have 300 for the phone. Do I hear 325?

Let's go, people.

325. 325.

300 once. 300 twice. It worked.

Of course it worked.

Going. Going.

We're going to get it. 300 is the last bid on Charlie Parker's Night in

Do I hear another bid?

just waiting with 325.

I have 325. Who give me 350?

It's 350 to us, sir. Okay, now we can do it. Do you believe we can do it? I

believe. I believe.

trouble. I just lost the Charlie Park album. Bird flew to coop.

Oh, Dad, I'm sorry.

Sorry. Hey, I know this isn't your record, but I hope this makes you feel

better. Look at the first page.

Dedicated to the most supportive father in the world.

Oh.

Well, thank you, Pud.

I, uh, I hope you score well with it. Thank you. Thank you, Dad.

I'm proud of that.

Honey, you must be very tired. I understand that you spent the entire day

group of preschoolers.

All I had to eat was half of a peanut butter and banana sandwich that Anthony

was going to feed to the gerbil.

And to top it off, you didn't get to go to the auction and bid on that record

that you wanted.

No, no, I got to bid on the record. I got to bid on it. What are you talking

about? They let me bid on the phone.

I was on the phone.

You were on the phone?

Yes, I was on the phone. And guess what, dear?

I had it. I had it. And we got Harmon was out of there and gone. I don't know

where this fool came from.

But came in and started bidding like somebody who was possessed, I'm telling

you.

You were on the phone. I'm telling you, I was on... phone like high noon and and

i and i blinked i knew i wasn't going to get that record the last thing i know

that price was going up and that dude paid a bundle for that

it

was one of a kind look i

don't care if it's one of a kind of what that person's gonna have to keep that

record for about 900 years before they can get their money back on that one

sitting up here bidding all that money back.

So, sweetheart, why don't you just relax there?

And I'll put on some music.

No, dear, I don't want to hear any more music. I tell you, music does nothing

except break your heart. It just goes to the person who's bidding higher than

anybody else.

Where did you get that?

You ever dance for the food?

No!

Me!

Oh, dear!

Oh, no!

How much did you wind up paying for it?

$150.

No, you didn't pay no...

Poor thing.

Oh, he just kept bidding long after I stopped. You know that fool got up to $1

,500? Yes, so what'd you pay?

I paid $450 because they found out that the last authorized bid that he had was

for $400.

Well, you should have seen his face.

Lips all curled up.

Eyes squinting and rolling on.